Original subtitles

(Laughter and applause)

Another one like that and we've won! My word, this is a great event for you, my dear!

Watching two of your hottest suitors

- making a last wicket stand together. - Bo and Humphrey do everything together.

Yes!

- Howzat? - (Laughter and applause)

He's out!

- Bad luck, sir. - Thank you, Simpson.

We only had four more runs to get, sir.

Well, it's all in the game, Simpson.

Hard luck, Humph, old man.

Take your hands off me, you cad!

Eh? What's up, old man?

You know damn well what's up! You deliberately tripped me.

- Humphrey, what are you saying? - You tripped me.

Now, just a minute, gentlemen.

This is an extremely grave charge you're making, Captain Bagshaw.

- Mr West, is there any truth in it? - No, of course not. Humphrey's my friend!

- Why would I want to do a thing like that? - Then you're saying Captain Bagshaw is a liar.

Well, no, I don't mean that, but. .. he must have tripped over his bootlace.

My bootlace?! The lace on my elastic-sided boots?

Oh, Bo, how could you do such a despicable thing?

Mr West, you are no longer welcome in my house,

nor as a member of my cricket team.

Come, Jane!

I've lost her, Simpson.

(Chatter)

This letter has just arrived for you, milady.

Thank you, Nightingale. Excuse me.

What is it, my beloved?

It's Bo. It's Mr West, he's...

(Sobs)

My dearest Jane, by the time you receive this letter,

I shall have left this country for good.

The only hope I have of forgetting the terrible things that have happened

is to join the French Foreign Legion.

Oh, nol

Excuse me.

Oh, never mind, my dear. His life wouldn't have been worth living here.

- No other cricket club would have accepted him. - (Sobs) Oh!

(Gunshot) - What the...?

(Gasps)

Well, cut him down, someone! Cut him down! He's dripping all over my best carpet!

Excuse me, milady.

Oh, Humphrey! What made you do it? Why?

I...

lied.

Bo... Bo didn't trip me.

...fell..

...ON purpose.

Oh, Bo!

Dearest Bo, what have we done to you?

(Camel bellows)

(Cock crows)

(Squawking)

- Whoa, Cleo! - Is this it, Simpson?

Yes, sir. Sidi-bel-Abbés.

- Well, get me down, Simpson. - Certainly, sir.

Hey, you! Arab fellow! Camel up! Obo!

(Camel bellows)

Argh! Ooh!

Aah! Aah! My foot...

- Let go of the thing. - Damn it, I'll never get used to that!

I expected the back end to go down first.

Oh!

Oh, well, never mind that.

- Find out where one joins up around here. - Yes, sir.

BO: Let's try that café over there.

Very well, sir.

BO: Anyone home?

Good morning, madam. My name is Bertram Oliphant West.

Well, I'm sorry, but what can [ do about it?

My name is Zigzig. And what can you do about that?

No, no, you misunderstand me, madam.

I merely wish to ask where one goes to join the Foreign Legion.

Ah, just one moment.

- I go ask the sergeant. - Sergeant?

Sergeant Nocker. He is important man in Legion. He know everything.

Is he here?

Oh, yes.

Often.

Perhaps it's the married quarters, Simpson.

(Murmurs sleepily)

Ah! (Chuckles)

Hello, sugar date.

Not now, baby. I gotta get some sleep.

- Hey, hey, hey! - (Chuckles)

What is this strange fascination I have over them?

Why can't they let me alone but for a moment?

Heart of my heart, I only want to talk.

You go right ahead and talk, sugar date.

- You talk while I get some sleep. - No, no, no, don't go to sleep yet.

There are two men here who are wanting to join you.

Nothing doing. Let them find their own bed!

No, no! To join you in the Legion!

Simple. Let them report to headquarters. It's just the other side of town.

OK. I tell them.

And then come back.

But you just say you want to sleep.

Can I help it if my tongue don't know how my mind works?

J Fanfare

Legion! Legion, present arms!

(Bugle fanfare)

Was ist das?

Capitaine Le Pice!

Oui! Oui!

- Hello! Did anybody call? - Capitaine Le Pice!

- Kommandant Burger! - Look!

LE PICE: Spring flowers.

- Spring flowers?! - Early bloomers!

This is no joke!

Pull those bloomers down!

Pull them down!

Herr Kommandant, not so loud!

Anyone listening outside the fort will wonder what's going on.

I don't care about those pigs! Pull them down!

I want to get to the bottom of this!

Capitaine Le Pice,

the man who is responsible for this will be buried in the sand up to here, headfirst.

Find out who he is.

- But how? - How? Use your brains!

Search the lockers. Find out which one wears underwear like this.

Oh, Herr Kommandant, no legionnaire would wear anything like these.

How do you know? We get all sorts in the Legion.

And it's our custom not to ask questions.

- Perhaps it's time we started. - Oh, Herr Kommandant! Look!

There is a message written on the back.

Well, it can't be a message from the front! (Chuckles)

What is...? "Death to all Legion infidels.

Your time is nigh. The flaming sword is spoken."

What is that? What flaming sword?

Herr Kommandant, it is an emblem of the leader of the Riffs, Sheikh Abdul Abulbul.

They have got my message.

(Officers shout over each other)

Let us give them a taste of what is soon to come.

BURGER ! if's a disgrace!

- Lintend to get to the bottom of .. {(Gunshots)

Attack! Attack!

(Bugle fanfare)

See how the mice run.

But the time is not yet.

- We will go. - Effendi, look what comes.

Ah, this appears to be the place, sir.

Oh, well, help me down, will you, Simpson?

Ho! Camel, bo-bo.

(Camel bellows)

Ha-hal Ha-ha! I've got it!

Oooh! Oh!

Oh, sirl Keep still, sir!

It has been truly said.

The mind of the white infidel

is like the action of the cleanser.

Clean round the bend!

SIMPSON: This way, Sir.

Ah, well, Simpson, the...the time has come to say goodbye, old friend.

No, sir, I can't do it.

I can't leave you here like this! I'm going to join the Foreign Legion, too!

Oh, Simpson.

Simmy!

Not in front of the natives, sir.

- Oh. - Sorry, sir.

Shall ll er...? Shall I knock now?

- Please do that, Simpson. - Excuse me, sir.

Kommandant, I think there is someone knocking at the gate.

The nerve of the dogs! Do they expect me to let them in?

Ah, perhaps that would be the wisest move.

- Never! Over your dead body! - Ooh!

I've got something in store for them they didn't bargain for.

Move out the cannon and load with grape!

And if you haven't got any grape, load with some other fruit.

Come on, you men! Move out the cannons! Get out your grapes!

- Perhaps they don't want our services, sir. - Nonsense! They're always looking for recruits.

They'll welcome us with open arms.

Get out your grapes!

There, what did I tell you?

Fire!

(Groans)

So, you came to join the Foreign Legion?

Yes, we keep telling you that.

Are you aware this place has just been under heavy attack?

How do I know you are not one of them?

Oh, no, sir!

Spies! Sent in here to learn our secrets.

Spies? How dare you, sir!

We are English gentlemen!

Don't talk to me about your English gentlemen's!

I have seen what you scribble on the walls of your English gentlemen's!

Mr West has never so much as raised a finger to a walll He's a man of honour!

If he is a man of so much honour, why does he need to join the Foreign Legion?

...I can't tell you that.

Ah, so! Perhaps you lost your honour on the playing fields of Eton.

That was not Mr West's fault.

- There was a gardener's daughter... - Simpson!

So, good' You can enlist.

But be careful, you will be watched.

At the first sign of any treachery, the firing squad!

The firing squad? Oh, we'll enjoy that, sir!

- Mr West is an excellent shot. - Le Pice! Take them away!

Oui, Kommandant Burger!

Recruits! Attention!

Right turn!

Quick march!

- After you, sir. - No, that's all right.

- Oh, I insist. - No, Simpson.

Get out!

(La Pice clears throat)

- Le Pice! - QOui, Herr Kommandant!

Turn them over to the colour sergeant. He will make soldiers of them.

Oh, er...didn't you know, sir?

Sergeant Nocker hasn't returned from patrol yet.

Not back yet? But it's been six days! Was he by himself again?

Ah, sugar date, hold it right here, sugar.

Sergeant, do you have to go back now?

Oh, come on, sugar date! I explained to you.

We had six wonderful days together.

Heaven. It was great. It really was swinging.

But, baby, I belong here. I've got my work to do.

Come back now.

Honey, can't I explain to you? I'm a sergeant. I'm an important man.

- How do you think I got these? - How did you get them?

Well, if I was to tell you, you'd be even more crazy about me than you are now.

You're a good girl. Thanks a lot, honey.

- Thanks for the lift. - I have a good ass, no?

Give me a break, will you?

It's a vast country, I can't take care of all of 'em.

Oh, well, back to the humdrum life.

JINSTRUMENTAL: When Johnny Comes Marching Home

(Weakly) Let me in!

Let me in, for pity's sakes!

Herr Kommandant! Sergeant Nocker! He's back!

- Impossible! - Mais oui, Herr Kommandant! He's at the gates!

Mein Gott!

Colour Sergeant Nocker reporting, sir.

Back from patrol. I... (Mumbles incoherently)

No, sir. Thank you, sir. I'll be all right.

After all, I've just been five days without food or water, that's all.

- Bring water, quickly! - (Mumbles)

Did I say water? Thank you, sir.

I'll be all right. I must file my report.

- Drink, Sergeant. - No, thank ...

Thank you, sir. Delicious, sir.

And now, Sergeant, if you feel strong enough, your report.

Yes, sir. Well, last Saturday, I got a tip-off there would be an attack

on Fort Zuassantneuf.

It cost me 20 francs, but I don't mind if I don't get it back. It was worth it, sir.

Sergeant, you will get it back!

Oh, thank you, sir. You're a brick.

I thought I'd better get to the garrison and warn them immediately, sir.

At Zuassantneuf?! But that's over 200 kilometres away!

But what does that matter, sir, with the lives of fellow legionnaires at stake, sir?

You went alone? What happened?

I was attacked by this murderous group of Riffs!

Ah, so you were surprised.

I mean, what chance did I have?

- One legionnaire against a hundred Riffs? - A hundred?!

But you don't have to worry about them, sir.

Not with half their number dead.

I can hardly believe it!

I can hardly believe it myself. I had to count them twice, sir.

Capitaine Le Pice, this gallantry merits immediate recognition.

I will get the box, Herr Kommandant.

Sergeant Nocker, I salute your bravery.

You have acted in the highest traditions of the Legion.

Oh, sir, you're embarrassing me in front of the men.

Oh, sir, this isn't necessary. I have enough medals.

It is a proud moment just to serve for you, sir.

I..I don't... Oh, there's a goody!

Yes, this one here. Mm!

Solid silver. Splendid. Thank you, sir.

(Horn beeps)

- Jane, my dear, I still think you're wrong to go. - Oh, Papa, I must! Don't you see?

It was mainly because of me that Bo left.

And it's my duty to find him and tell him that his name has now been cleared.

Oh, very well, but please be careful, my dear.

You've led far too sheltered a life to know what can possibly happen to a young woman

- travelling alone. - I have a first-class seat reserved on the train.

Oh, I'm not bothered about your seat! There'll be men!

What can men do to me?

Oh, far too sheltered a life.

Bye, my dear.

Oh, good morning, miss. I just wanted to punch your ticket.

- Punch my ticket? - That's right.

- Are you er... Are you travelling alone, miss? - Well, yes. Why?

Oh.

Well, there's er...nothing to it, really.

What a funny way fo punch my ticket!

& Reveille

Wake up, you dogs! Wake up!

Wake up, you... Wake up!

Come on, you sons of dogs!

Sleeping will stop now!

What are you doing? Hey, you, wake up!

- Good morning, sir. - Oh, good morning, Simpson.

- It appears it's time to rise, sir. - Oh, thank you very much. Where's the tea?

- There doesn't seem to be any served yet, sir. - Oh.

Well, in that case, run my bath, would you?

I regret to inform you, sir, that I've been unable to find a bath.

- No baths? - No, sir. I'm given to understand that...

- Oh, dare I say it, sir? - Please dare.

That one uses a horse trough outside, sir.

Oh, well, in that case, run my trough.

Thank you, Clotski.

(Yawns)

It's nice to be back. The simple comforts.

That was a rough patrol you had, Sergeant.

They don't come any rougher, Clotski.

Six days, six nights on the job... takes a lot out of a man.

You bet. You bet.

You know, Sergeant, it's incredible.

You do all that walking, and not a grain of sand in your boots.

Yeah, when I do what I do, I do it with my boots off.

(Cheering and wolf-whistling)

(Laughter)

Ah, it's good to be back!

Look out on the old parade grounds and see...

What the hell is that?

! must be seeing things!

They're the two new ones. Came in yesterday.

What do they think this is? A health spa?

What are they? Newlyweds, or something?

They're English, Sergeant. You know the English? They're half nuts.

By the time I'm finished with them, they'll be whole nuts.

Boy, I'm looking forward to fraining those two.

I haven't had anything as good to work on since that other limey was here.

- What was his name? - Beau Legs.

Ah! That's the one.

OK; get 'em on parade ground, Corporal.

- What have you got in mind, Sergeant? - Get 'em on parade ground at the double!

CLOTSKI: Fools! Hurry up!

What do you think this is? A picnic? You lousy dogs! Damn you!

You're soldiers, do you understand?

Come along! Come along! All right, now. Properly at ease,

you lousy pigs!

- All present, Corporal? - Except for the two new ones.

- Leave them to me, Sergeant. - Fall in. I'll handle this one myself.

Maybe /'ff get a chance to bathe the baby.

CLOTSKI: Get up! Get up, every one of you!

Now, then, properly at ease, you lousy pigs! Quick march!

Move, you dogs! Come on! Quick!

All right, what's going on here? Ain't he old enough to dress himself?

A gentleman never dresses himself.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

You see, I'm so terribly ignorant of these facts.

That's perfectly all right, old chap. You'll learn. Something we can do for you?

Yes. Er...

I wonder if you'd care to join us for a teensy-weensy parade?

You see, the Kommandant will be there. Oh, it'll be such fun!

That's very decent of you, Sergeant. Thank you very much indeed.

We'd both be delighted.

Oh, bully, bully, bully!

Just as soon as we've breakfasted. Oh, by the way, where is the restaurant?

Oh...I'm terribly sorry, I'm afraid there is no restaurant.

- But I'll tell you what there is. - Oh? What?

We have a pit where we bury you up to your neck in sand,

- for days and days. - Oh? What for?

For talking back at your sergeant! For not being ready for parade!

And for acting like motherless, fatherless jerks!

Now, you get with it!

Get dressed, and be out there in five seconds!

(Yells) Get on parade now! On the double!

{Knock at door) - Come!

- Ready for inspection, sir. - Thank you, Sergeant.

In future, I want the garrison kept on standby.

All leave is cancelled, and double the guards.

You got it!

Double the guards? What for, sir?

I am expecting trouble. Have you seen these?

- Whoa! Would you like to have them filled, sir? - Sergeant!

...mean, any woman wearing these could cause plenty of trouble around the fort.

Don't you worry, sir, I'll track her down. She won't lay a glove on you.

I did not get them from a woman, Sergeant.

Then from who, sir? I...

Hello!

Hello.

They were raised on the flagpole yesterday morning.

There's a message on them. Look.

A message? I didn't see... Oh! Abdul Abulbul.

(Chuckles) I wouldn't worry about him, sir.

Don't give it a second thought. After all, he has twelve wives.

What time has he got left for fighting?

There's an old Arab saying, Sergeant.

"The more a camel has to drink,

the more he will want to make stops."

That's a goody! Did you hear the one about the butler and the upstairs maid?

Sergeant!

I want you to bear that in mind. I am now ready to inspect your men.

Sirl

Present...arms!

Yes.

Straighten the jacket.

Yes, good.

Very good. Mm, very...

Huh? Was ist das?

A joke?

Oh, I forgot I had it on my head, sir.

- Deal with this man, Sergeant! - Yes, sir, it'll be a pleasure.

Oh, it's the hat! Oh, don't blame him, sir.

- He was so busy helping me, that he... - Silencel

Argh! Argh! Argh!

Ow! Oh! (Screams)

(Ship's whistle)

{Knock at door) - Entrez!

- Bonjour, mademoiselle. Welcome aboard. - Oh, merci, I'm sure.

It is possible, mademoiselle, that it will be rough in the Channel.

- I must check your porthole. - By all means.

Mademoiselle is travelling alone?

- Yes. Why? - Uh-huh!

Oh! (Giggles) What an odd way to check my porthole!

(Flies buzz)

(Continuous buzzing)

These damn flies!

I'm sorry, sir. It's all my fault.

Ah, well, Simpson, only another five more days to go.

Yes, sir, but...

Sir?

Yes, Simpson, what is it?

Do you think they have worms in the Sahara, sir?

I don't know. Why?

(Whimpers) There's something crawling up my...sirl Help!

Now, steady on, Simpson.

Oh, I can't stand much more of this, sir!

Forgive me, sir, but with your permission, I think I'll go mad.

- Oh, I've got the worms! The worms! - Steady on, Simpson. Steady on.

There'll be plenty more of this. That sergeant's got it in for us.

(Groans) Oh, I know, sir.

And just think, sir. He was the one that told us where to come and enlist.

What do you mean?

That's Sergeant Nocker, sir.

The one the woman in the café went to ask. He was in the back room. Ooh!

And then, a little while later, he came in looking awreck, and staggering about all over the place.

So would I, if I'd spent some time with that woman, sir.

But he told the Kommandant he'd just come back from patrol.

And he got decorated for bravery!

(Chuckles)

Enjoying yourselves, gentlemen?

We're just beginning to, Sergeant.

Well, I'm glad to hear that.

Because when I get you out of here,

I'll make your lives so miserable, you'll be glad to get back in!

Oh, I don't think so, Sergeant.

Not a brave man like you, who can go out on patrol and kill 50 Riffs

- single-handed. - 531

Oh, I beg your pardon.

You see what I mean, Simpson?

It wasn't Sergeant Nocker in the café with that woman.

But it was, sir. I saw him through the curtain.

Nonsense. You must be imagining things.

When we get out of here, we'll go and ask the Kommandant.

- He should know. - Hey, wait a minute.

Were you the two guys in the café yesterday morning?

So, it was you in there, Sergeant.

Clotski!

- Sergeant! - Corporal Clotski,

what are these fine men doing down there?

But, Sergeant, you told me to put them in the hot box.

{ told you? { would waste the talent of these two intelligent, hard-working,

conscientious soldiers in this manner?

You must be out of your mind!

- But, Sergeant, you... - (Yells) Don't but me!

- But, Sergeant... - Dig these gentlemen out of here on the double!

Yes, Sergeant!

Don't worry, fellas, it's all been a mistake. Have a cigar.

I have a feeling we're gonna be real buddies.

Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right! (Barks incoherently)

Work itl Work it! Move it! Move it!

Get those legs up! Move it! Move it!

(Shouts gibberish) Aitchal Aitchal Aitchal

How you doing, fellas? Everything all right?

En garde!

Charge!

Argh!

I'm so sorry, Sergeant.

That's all right. Anybody can make a little mistake...buddy.

Wakey-wakey, Simmy!

- Tea's up. - Thank you very much indeed, Sergeant.

Oh, no bother. I wonder if you would make parade this morning?

It's Kommandant's inspection. It shouldn't take long, you know.

Yes, I...I think we could make it.

Oh, that's what I admire - keenness. However, no hurry.

Whenever you're ready... buddy.

Come along, you guys. Hold it! Right there.

Right there. Now, shut your eyes.

Come on! Shut your eyes! This is going to be a surprise.

You're not shutting your eyes.

OK, open 'em!

Surprise!

Oh, Sergeant, we...we don't know what to say.

Ah, just a small token of my esteem, buddies.

But.. but where did you get it from?

Oh...never mind, just don't tell anybody.

Le Pice!

- Le Pice! - QOui, Herr Kommandant!

- Where's my bathtub gone? - Your bathtub?

{Knock at door) - Entrez!

Welcome to the Kaifer Hotel, Algeria, mademoiselle.

- I am the manager. - How nice.

I just wanted to see whether your accommodation is er...satisfactory.

Well, yes. Yes, I'm sure.

Mademoiselle travels alone?

Yes.

Ooh! What an extraordinary way fo see if my accommodation's satisfactory.

J Exotic music

You can't beat it. There's nothing like an old-fashioned waltz.

You not say hello to me tonight, my sergeant.

Hello. Do you mind, honey? I can't see. Would you get out of the way?

And you!

{Music stops)

Hello, baby. How about giving us the dance of the two veils?

You mean seven velils.

Why bother with the preliminaries, huh?

(Laughs raucously)

Hey, did you see that?

She's crazy about me.

She's very beautiful. But why was she wearing that ruby in her... Well, in here?

That's to keep the draught out.

I don't know if you happened to notice, sir, but.. these things...

Yes, Simpson, I did happen to notice.

Well, we had some casserole dishes just like that at home, sir.

Oh, yes, that's right. We used to put our dumplings in them.

They use them for the same reason here.

I'd like to meet her.

What, that dancer, sir? Oh, I don't think that would be advisable, sir.

Why ever not?

Simmy's right. You'd never catch me getting mixed up with a woman of that sort.

Hello, there! Well, why don't you take off your clothes and pull up a chair?

- Zank you. - No, no. Zank you!

Now, who told you I was the only one around here worth bothering with?

- Oh, nobody. - Oh, just psychic, eh?

May I say how very much I enjoyed your dancing?

Thank you, you are most kind.

- We haven't seen you here before. - No, I have just come from Egypt.

Ah, Egypt. Land of mystery.

Home of the mighty fairies.

- You mean pharaohs. - I know what I mean.

You are so very pretty.

- Oh, please. - Oh, no, no, it is true.

What is your name?

(Whispers) West, sir.

West. Bertram Oliphant West.

Ludicrous, ain't it? My name is...

Bertram Oliphant?

It's a riot, isn't it? You see, my name is...

But most of my best friends call me Bo.

- Bo? - Yes, B-O.

You've got some nice friends.

- And what's your name? - They call me Corktip.

Now, I bet you can't guess my name.

Oh, yes, I know your name.

How do you like that? It's even spread to Egypt. It had to happen.

They call you the Big Stinker.

Ha-ha! That's what they call me! Everybody know...

What?

I hear Zigzig call you that just now.

NOCKER: How do you like that dame?

Well, she'll get no more favours out of me!

May I offer you some refreshment, Miss Corktip?

Oh, no, thank you. I must go work now.

- Oh, dancing again? - No, I also tell fortune.

Really? How?

Oh, with the ball, or by the hand.

Or I feel your bumps.

(Laughs)

Who did that?

- Itwas I. - You sh...

And very well done, I must admit.

- Go, woman! - Now, just a moment.

You will be the first to die.

Enough! Go!

Go, you dogs!

A thousand apologies, gentlemen.

They're just ignorant fools.

Ah, it's a good thing you showed up. Just about to lose my temper.

It will not happen again.

Peace be on you.

And peace on you, too.

Fools! You would kill legionnaires here? In front of everyone?

I have other plans for them.

(Bugle fanfare)

{Knock at door) - Come!

Excuse me, Herr Kommandant, there is a woman here for you.

A woman? But it's not Saturday, is it?

No, no, not that one, Herr Kommandant.

A white woman. She asked to see the officer in charge.

- A white woman? Out here? - And out there.

- Well, bring her in! Bring her in immediately! - Qui, oui!

Lady Jane Ponsonby,

- Kommandant Burger. - Jane!

Maximilian!

Oh, pardon!

- Oh, can it really be you? - It's been such a long time.

Oh, years ago! Vienna, when I was in finishing school.

And I was your fencing master, and finished you off.

I was only 17. I hardly knew what it was all about.

Fencing, I mean.

Oh, and such a beautiful child, you were!

With the pigtails, and the braces on your teeth.

And you had braces, too. On your leather shorts.

- Ah, mein Liebchen! - Maximilian!

Forgive me, but it's been so many years since I've even seen a white woman!

Come now, there can't be that much difference. Apart from the colour!

That's very true. There's an old Arab saying, "The whiteness of the snow

is as the blackness of the coal hole when there's no light."

What a lovely saying.

But not you. You could never be the same.

It was because of you that I joined the Legion.

- Because of me? - Yes.

That day you are coming to me for the private lesson, and I did what I did to you.

Oh, I was so ashamed!

- Oh, look, it was nothing. - Hm, only a little scratch.

But I have never touched a sword since.

Oh, poor Maximilian!

No matter. You have forgiven me and found me again.

Oh, Maximilian, I didn't come here looking for you.

Not for me?

No, I really came to find a very dear friend of mine. A Mr West.

- Bo West? - This man, he is important to you?

Yes, I'd do absolutely anything to find him.

Anything?

Yes.

Tell me, are you travelling alone?

Yes.

- Very well. In that case... - Oh, never mind, I'll do it.

BURGER: Ooh!

(Chattering)

I wish you to get them to come to your house.

My men will take care of them then.

I understand.

CORKTIP: All three of them?

No, just two of them.

He with the head like the dome of the mosque of Omar.

And he with eyes like well holes in the sand.

It shall be done, O powerful one.

Hey! Corktip, she wants to see you in the back room.

- Me? - Yes, you! Don't ask me why!

I don't have to ask. I know.

Ow! They can only fight against it for just so long, and then it's va-va-va-voom!

Well, chappies, don't wait up for me, what?

You can stop looking for it in there. It's right here.

Sit down. I would like to see what's in store for you.

Hey, I'd like to see what's in store for me, myself!

No, you must not. Not here.

I tell your fortune. Sit.

Fine, but er... never mind that, let's get to the bumps, huh?

You interest me, strangely.

I feel an...affinity between us.

A destiny that guides our ends.

Fine, you take care of your end, I'll take care of mine.

Ah, it is clearing now.

I see you meeting a dark woman

- somewhere else. - Oh, er...

it wouldn't be you, would it?

It might be.

Yes, it is me.

Fine. When?

I see a clock.

It says...midnight?

Midnight it is. Where?

I see a house.

It is the tenth house in the Street of Many Fools.

Oh, 10 Downing Street.

I'll be there!

(Nocker hums tune)

- Well, what happened? - Where? What do you mean? Oh! Oh.

Nothing at all. She just told my fortune. Nothing to it.

Oh. Well, we'll soon see about that.

Sit down! Where do you think you're going?

- The sergeant's right, sir. - Well, I like that!

Didn't you just tell me to find another woman?

Yes, sir. I mean a lady of breeding, sir.

A woman of that type's only looking for one thing.

Good, I'll go and help her find it.

Oh, dear, oh, dear. Sergeant, do you think he's going to be all right?

Good, you have come. I was just going to send for you.

You were? Really?

Yes. You fascinate me, strangely.

Please, sit down.

Oh!

You have a very interesting head.

Well? What does it tell you?

Well, this one here, this big bump,

this indicates that you are very romantic and passionate.

That's very funny. That's where I was hit by a cricket ball.

But you are passionate! I feel it here!

- (Whimpers) - Is it not true?

Well, I...l did once breathe rather heavily down my music teacher's neck.

She was showing me some five-finger exercises and I lost my senses.

Is that all? You mean you have never kissed a woman?

Oh...oh, yes.

- But never one wearing a veil. - What difference does my veil make?

Well, it would be like sucking a toffee with the paper on.

And if I were to take it off?

Oh, yes.

It is well, but it is forbidden for me to remove it in public.

Of course, if you were to...come to my house later...

- Yes? - About ten minutes after midnight?

Yes? Yes?

There will be a whole toffee assortment with no papers on.

(Whimpers)

Must you go? This last hour has been an experience I cannot forget.

Oh, yes, it's been fun, but I really must see Bo now.

Very well, he will be at the Café Zigazig. I will take you there.

Oh, no! I must see him alonel Surely you understand that.

Very well, mein Liebchen, but be careful.

It is not safe for a young woman to go about alone.

Papa told me that before I left, but nothing's happened to me yet.

- Nothing unpleasant, that is. - Out here, it's different.

These hot-blooded Arabs, once they get you amongst the sand dunes...

Oh, do tell me! What do they do?

I cannot tell you, but there's an old Arab saying,

"There's many a good fiddle played on an old dune!"

(Laughs) On an old dune!

So, be careful, mein Liebchen.

OK, fellas, let's take the short cut.

Who is this woman?

- What woman? - She of the skin the colour of camel tripes.

I do not know. Why?

I desire her.

Bring her to me.

(Laughs) Good night. I'm having a little shuteye.

- See you later. So long. Good night. - Bye.

He doesn't seem to be here at the moment.

I'm sure you will find the one you are seeking.

In the meantime, perhaps you would care to accept the hospitality of my humble dwelling?

Oh, how kind. Do you live near here?

My encampment is at the Oasis El Nooki, In the desert.

- Amongst the sand dunes? - Naturally.

I thought as much. Thank you very much, but I feel I ought to stay somewhere in town.

As you wish. Perhaps you will change your mind.

- You will have a drink? - Thank you.

- What is it? - We call it sherbet.

Sherbet!

I haven't had any sherbet since I was a little girl!

It's...harmless, isn't it?

Of course, if drunk...quickly.

It doesn't taste quite the same as I remember.

Delicious, though. Really!

Oh.

(Hiccups)

Do you know, I think I shall accept your offer of kind hospitality.

I am honoured.

We will leave immediately.

Oh. Oh!

Whoops!

(Chuckles) I'm travelling alone, you know. Ha-ha!

Yoo-hoo! It's me! The desirable one!

Enter, O desirable onel

I got something for you!

CORKTIP: am here, in the bedroom.

Ha-how!

Who needs you?

This'll be a night to remember, baby.

By the time I'm through with you, you won't know...

(Clang)

(Slurs) ..what hit you.

Enter, O desirable onel

- Hello! - I am here, in the bedroom.

Oh, I...I do beg your pardon. I'll wait here.

(Whimpers)

No, no, you must come in here.

{ am in bed.

Oh, aren't you feeling well?

No, no, I am just cold.

I need to be warmed.

(Whimpers) Wo...would you like me to... get you a hot-water bottle?

No! Do you not understand? I just want you.

- Ohl (Clang)

Well, if you don't mind me seeing you in bed.

(Giggles)

I say, it's...it's rather dark in here.

...Argh!

(Crashing and thudding)

(Laughs) It's all right, Miss Corktip, you can come out Now.

Oh, no, you won't need that. There's no more of them.

It's those two chaps who were bothering you in the café, earlier on this. .

(Clang)

Luckily, I learned a bit of the old jujitsu.

1. Oh, I say, I do beg your pardon.

You haven't got your topcoat on.

There, I'll.._I'll just turn my back.

(Cock crows)

(Explosion)

(Camel bellows)

Jezebel!

I'll never trust another woman as long as I live.

Disgusting! If you did that in England, you'd get fined £5.

- Where are we, Sergeant? Do you know? - Yes, this is the Oasis EI Nooki.

It's the only water hole

within 200 miles.

You have done well. You will be rewarded.

I want no other reward than to be favoured with the loving attentions of my lord.

It shall be done. Wait in my tent.

I hope you had a pleasant journey, gentlemen.

No! We have been treated outrageously and I demand to see the British Consul.

(Laughs raucously)

Did I say something funny?

I don't know, but keep going, he might rupture something.

Quiet, you miserable camel droppings!

I beg your pardon? You can't talk to a British subject like that!

- Hey, take it easy, Bo. Take it easy! - No, I won't!

I will not be humiliated in this manner!

If you're going to kill us, why don't you shoot us now?

That is an excellent idea.

You and your big mouth.

But first, I require some information.

Of course, anything you want to know, just fire away.

How many accursed legionnaires are there at the outpost in Fort Zuassantneuf?

Let me see. How many legionnaires at Fort Zuassantneuf? Er...

- You're not going to tell him, are you? - Why not? It's a harmless question.

Well, of course it isn't! He wants to find out so he can attack it.

Oh, come off it, Bo. Not him.

- Not this kindly old gentleman. - Itis true!

The infidels will all perish when the second crescent of the moon enters

- Orion's third phase. - When is that?

Tuesday.

First, the legionnaires at Fort Zuassantneuf, and then the infidels at Sidi-bel-Abbés.

It has been ordained by the prophet, Mustafa Leak.

Mustafa Leak!

Mustafa Leak!

Now, you will tell me. How many men?

You know, for the moment, it seems to have slipped my mind.

If I could pop back to the barracks and have a word with our Kommandant.

Don't trifle with me, accursed one!

Perhaps a little torture will help you to remember.

You have until nightfall to come to your senses.

If not...they will come off.

One by one.

One by one? I suppose he means our ears.

That's my boy. Always thinking of the higher things.

Look, chiefie, if you could just have a word and talk this over sensibly

with this er.. Mustafa Leak.

ALL: Mustafa Leak!

I don't know, it must be number one on the hit parade.

Away with them!

(Grunts)

Argh!

(Toilet flushes)

Good!

Now you.

Someone is coming.

Pow! Pow!

- (Groans) NOCKER: Good boy!

NOCKER: Get his clothes.

NOCKER: Come on, let's get out of here.

If we could only get to those horses.

How are ya? I lost a cuff link. It must be around here some place.

- I'm sure I could find it if I looked... - Stop!

- I think they've spotted us. - You must be kidding.

Kill them!

Wait!

Mustafa Leak.

ALL: Mustafa Leak!

Run for it!

After them!

Quick! In there!

Man, you gotta hand it to these Arabs.

They got the craziest camping equipment.

NOCKER: Allah is smiling down on me.

- I think we ought to leave. - Why?

Well, they've hardly any clothes on.

That's a reason?!

Well, I'm going. I'd rather die out there than in here with this lot.

What are you, some kind of a nut?

I have to remember the family name.

- West, sir. - Thank you, Simpson.

WEST: They're just waiting out there.

Let me see.

WEST: Why don't they come and get us?

Wait a minute!

This is the harem tent.

By their laws, no man may enter here.

- Only the eunuchs. - What are they?

You'll never know how close you came to finding out.

Sergeant, do you mean that all these ladies

- are the sheikh's wives? - What's so terrible about that?

Think, all those mothers-in-law!

- Surely the sheikh himself is allowed in? - No.

Then what's the good in having them all?

It's like playing cricket with no bails. There's nothing to knock off.

You don't understand.

Whenever he feels like a game, he sends for one.

He don't travel. He just plays on his own ground.

You mean that all the while we're in here, then, we're safe.

That's right. I'm afraid we're stuck in here. What a pity.

And now, girls, how about some of that Turkish delight?

- (Women scream) - Don't frighten them, Sergeant.

I do apologise for the intrusion, ladies, but I can assure you that we will do you no harm.

Here, stop making promises I can't keep!

What's all that noise? I'm trying to sleep.

I was having such a lovely dream,

full of fabulous men, all travelling alone!

- Ha-ha-ha! - Jane!

- Is that you, Abdul? - No, it's me, Bol

Bo to you, too.

Jane, what's the matter with you? No, it's me. Bo West.

That Bo?

Oh, fancy seeing you herel Oh. Oh, kiss me, Bol

Jane, please!

You men in there!

Hearken to me!

Quiet. Let's hearken.

Come out of there, and I give you my word I will spare your lives.

If not, eventually, you will all die!

Horribly.

It's Abdul. He's a frightful dear. Wants me to be his number 13.

- Number 137 - Wife, you know.

We might as well surrender.

Certainly not. I'm not leaving Jane here to become part of a baker's dozen.

Well, it's better than being dead, isn't it? Besides, 13 ain't too bad.

She'll have 12 days off.

No! No, we've got to get help.

- One of you will have to get away. - Not me, sir. My place is by your side.

Thank you, Simpson. It's up to you, Sergeant.

- Thanks a lot. What do I do? - I've been thinking.

We'll go out, and you creep under the flap and run.

- Well, how do I do that? - Grab a horse and stampede the rest.

Sire! I... What am I saluting you for?

All this grass, no time left to graze.

ABDUL: Come out of that tent! - It's all right, we're coming out!

Bye-bye, Bo!

Seize them!

There are only two.

Where is the other infidel?

{ ook, Effendi!

Stop!

Let him go.

It worked! Nocker, old boy, I think you've pulled it off.

You'll be a real hero now. That's it.

Real. Ho! Good boy, Nocker. You've done it.

They'll write books about you. "Nocker of the Foreign Legion." That's what they'll call you.

I like that sound. Nocker of the Foreign Legion.

Jolly good.

Ah-ha!

Aaah...!

Did you ever have one of those days when nothing seemed to go right?

Aaah! Here! Here! Whoa!

Here!

(Cock crows)

{(Gunshots)

So, let me understand quite clearly what you have told us, madame.

You say that four nights ago

Sergeant Nocker was in your café with these other two legionnaires.

- Correct? - That is right.

Then he go off with this woman. Corktip. (Spits)

Ye...yes. And you further say that he is still with this woman. Correct?

Of course. Where else, the dirty pig? (Spits)

So, all the time he was supposedly out on patrol alone,

he was, in reality, staying with you.

- Correct? - That is right.

I tell you, for years he has been with me. And then this woman come along and... (Spits)

- Perhaps you would like to use this. - No, thanks, I went before I came.

Yes. Very well. Thank you for coming forward with this information. You may go now.

OK.

I like you. Why don't you come and see Zigzig some time, eh?

I think I've got all I want from you, madame, thank you.

You think so?

Well, perhaps there are a couple of points I'd like to go over with you later.

Good. Soon, eh?

Interesting, Le Pice!

Very interesting. What is her name?

- Mon Kommandant, her name is Zigzig. - Zigzig? Oh, that's a strange name.

It is an old Arabic word for serving woman, meaning, "She who handeth it out on a platter.”

Yes, and all the time she's been handing it out on the platter to Sergeant Nocker!

Oh, mein Gott! What fools he has been making of us!

I know! All these stories about lone patrol and killing hundreds of Riffs.

And all the time, he and she were...

Yes! And I've been giving him medals for it!

Open up! It's me! Sergeant Nocker!

Open up!

Kommandant! Kommandant! Sergeant Nocker's back!

Quick, Le Pice!

Sergeant Nocker reporting back from patrol, sir.

And what, I wonder, have you got to report this time, Sergeant?

Bad news, sir. Fort Zuassantneuf, it's going to be attacked.

And how did you acquire that information?

Yes, sir. Legionnaires West, Simpson and me were taken prisoners by them.

- After a stiff fight, of course. - Of course.

Yes, we were taken to the Oasis El Nooki, but I managed, by sheer audacity,

to escape and come back to warn you, sir.

Four days on foot across the burning hot sand, sir.

Enough! This is unbelievable!

Yes, it was quite a feat, sir.

Well, you heard the Kommandant.

Get the tray. Get the medals.

- Nein, nein, nein! - One medal will be enough, sir.

You will have no more medals from me, Schweinhund!

Schweinhund?

You have made a fool of me for the last time!

Killing 53 tribesmen single-handed, eh?

Rescuing legionnaires from certain death, eh?

Lies, lies, lies!

Sir, what are you doing? I got those medals for bravery!

No, not for bravery, but for jiggery-pokery! Take him away!

What happened?

What did I say?

Herr Kommandant.

About Sergeant Nocker, sir. He's been there for three days, now.

He has decided to tell the truth?

I'm afraid not, sir. He still keeps insisting on some ridiculous story

about West and Simpson and an English woman being held prisoner.

You did not tell me this before!

An English woman, you say? Not...not...

- Lady Jane! - I believe that was her name, sir.

Capitaine Le Pice, turn out the entire company!

- Oui, oui, mon Kommandant! - Full packs, arms,

- ammunition! - Qui, oui!

And release Sergeant Nocker!

- Qui, oui! - Well, stop oui oui-ing and get on with it!

Legion, left turn!

Legion, forward!

Oon! On!

Faster! Faster!

No stopping! On your feet, you scum! On! On!

Look!

The oasis!

(Excited shouting)

What's happened? Where's everyone gone?

Where's Lady Jane? Where is she?

I warned you, if you have brought us here on a wild-goose's chase...

- Sir, I gave you my word. They were here. - Kommandant! Look!

NOCKER: Vultures!

- Vultures?! You don't think...? - Oh, I don't like this.

- They've got a bone to pick with someone. - Nein, nein! Not mein Liebchen Jane!

Halt!

- Look, sir! - {(Gasps)

- Its all right. He's still breathing. - I don't care! Where is mein Liebchen?

- Oh! Alas, poor Jane, I knew her well. - Aw, come on, sir, that's a skull of a man.

- How can you tell? - By the jawbone.

A woman's gets worn down from the constant ya-ta-ta ya-ta-ta.

- Then what's happened to her? - Mother!

- Mothe...? Mothe...? It's me, Bo! Nocker!

Poor devil, he's half out of his mind. He's been under this sun for a week.

Yes, but I think he's trying to tell us something. Yes, West, what is it?

(Weakly) Turn...me over.

I want to do my back.

Argh! She might be being murdered, and all he can think of is getting an even tan!

Oh, don't pay any attention to him, sir. He's delirious.

Boy, where is she? Where is Lady Jane?

(Weakly) Took her. Took her with them to raid Fort Zuassantneuf.

Ah, then we are not too late! Look after him, Sergeant.

OK, sir. Take it easy, you'll be all right.

We leave at once for Fort Zuassantneufl Fall in!

Oh, Herr Kommandant, it is many miles away. There is no water left!

Fool! We can fill our water bottles at the oasis! Come on! Jump to it!

NOCKER: Those fiendish devils!

Now you see why I let the sergeant go.

He will lead them straight into my trap.

(Chuckles)

- Do we attack them now, Effendi? - No, no.

We wait two or three days.

Without water, they will be weaker then.

I did not say halt! March, you swines! March!

Sir, the men have been marching for two days without a rest. They must have a break, sir.

Very well. One hour. That's all!

Thank you, sir, you're all heart.

All right, good news, you monkeys.

Fall out for one hour.

- One hour. - One hour's rest, sarge.

Sir, I'm rather worried about morale.

If we don't get water soon, you'll have trouble from the men.

You are the adjutant, Capitaine Le Pice.

It is your job to keep their minds occupied so they forget about their thirst.

As a matter of fact, I did have rather a good idea.

Then act on it, Le Pice. Act on it!

(Chuckles) I'd love to!

Gott im Himmel! Dummkopf!

They have stopped, Effendi.

But what is it they are doing?

Kommandant Burger, we're all ready for you.

- And you'll be amazed. - Good.

Strange.

I think the time has come to attack. Tell my warriors to make ready.

Fun, ain't it, sir?

- (Chuckles) - It's lovely weather, huh?

Yes, they are good, these castles. They are all so very good, I think.

Mm, yes, this one, too.

But I think this one.

This one is the best. First prize, Clotski.

What?! Mine's better than his!

Oh, you think so, huh?

Yeah!

Stop it! Stop it! It's only a game!

- Stop I, I tell you! Argh! Oh! Ohl NOCKER: Come on, you two.

Now, what I...

(Shouting)

Simpson, tread on his.

Our men are ready to attack, Effendi.

Wait. I think the job is being done for us.

(Shouting)

We do not need to attack these fools.

Pass the word.

We march on Fort Zuassantneuf immediately.

The prophet has truly said.

The behaviour of the white infidels is like blood coming from a stone.

Bleedin' mystery.

Oh, you beaver!

Sorry, sorry. All right. Take it easy.

Just relax. Oh, OK.

- (Gasps) - All right, all right, all right.

- That's it, sir. - How many casualties, Sergeant?

-16, sir. -167!

It's disgraceful! Absolutely disgusting!

Oh, come on, sir. They're a good bunch of boys, just letting off a bit of steam.

But 16 casualties!

You, Le Pice, with your bright ideas!

Well, you don't have to blame mel Oh, you really can be a rotten Burger!

- Sergeant. - Sirl

Sort out those fit enough to march on Fort Zuassantneuf.

Sir, all that way without water?

We must go on. Not only to save Lady Jane, but to relieve the garrison.

- But what about the captain, sir? - You won't be taking Le Pice.

I'm asking a serious question, sir.

What about the captain?

You fool! I mean Le Pice will not be coming with us!

I am sending him back to Sidi-bel-Abbés. He will fetch reinforcements.

- Le Pice! - Yes, Kommandant!

- I wish to see the map! - Yes, Herr Kommandant!

Ah!

Here is our objective.

Fort Zuassantneuf. And here is our present position.

Left...turn!

For...ward!

Left, right, left, right,

left, right, left, right, left, right...

Sergeant!

Legionnaires, attention!

Forward march!

Hup!

Simpson, look! A well!

A welll

SIMPSON: Hurray!

Hurray, there's a...

Hey, hey, relax! Take it easy!

- Did you see? - It was there!

Shut up! There's nothing there!

There was, Sergeant! It's a well!

Mr Bo's right, Sergeant! There was a well!

Of course there was a well. And you're Jack, and you're Jill.

Wh-wh-where is it? Where did it go to?

Look, kid, it was never there. It's a mirage.

A mirage? I don't believe it.

You don't believe it. Well, I'll prove it to you. You see this coin?

Coin, right? Coin.

I will now throw it down the well. Here.

- See? (Splash)

Sergeant, you should have made a wish.

I wish you'd shut up!

What about the well?

- What about the well? - (All shout at once)

Move it! Move it! Move!

Sirl (Laughs)

Look! Ah! I can't believe it!

Wa-hey!

Sim...

Simpson! There's nowa...

Where's the water?

Another mirage. It even had me fooled that time.

(Delirious chuckling)

Look at that!

Restaurant, bar, dancing. Now that's what I call a mirage!

It has been seen many times before.

Come, we must go on!

I told you it was a mistake building right out here. Nobody ever stops.

I cannot stand it no more! I've had enough!

I cannot stand it, I tell you! I cannot stand it!

- What's the matter, Clotski? - I'm thirsty.

- I think he wants water. - Don't look at me! What can I do about it?

I cannot make water!

- We're done for! - Simpson!

No, sir, we'll never get out of here alive! Look at the vultures!

SIMPSON: To hell with you! To hell with all of you!

Go on! Do your worst!

Ooh! Blimey, one did!

Men! You must pull yourselves together!

There's plenty of water at the fort!

On! On! We must go on!

Ooh, sir, he does go on.

& Oh, I do like to be beside the seaside

& Oh, I do like to be beside the sea

& Oh, I do like to stroll along the prom, prom, prom

& Where the brass band plays tiddly-om-pom-pom

(Wind howls)

J.to be beside the seaside

& Oh, I do like to be beside the sea

Jd Oh, I do like to stroll...

Look! The fort!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Get out of the way! Get out of the way!

BURGER: Do you mind?

I say, sir, are...are we too late?

& Arabic music

Well, I've heard this sort of music before. It's for a wedding celebration.

- Oh, Is that all? - Ja, it's when the chief is taking another wife.

Good luck to him. He's got twelve already!

And another wife...

Number thirteen? Lady Jane?

- Oh, no! - Now, don't panic, sir. It may not be too late.

Er, Kommandant, sir, is it a before or an after celebration?

Before. It is to wish the chief an abundant harvest.

It's called The Song Of The Oats.

Oh, no! Let's hurry, before it's too late.

There she is!

There is still time. This music is to wish the chief great virility and endurance.

The day of the morrow, we march on Sidi-bel-Abbes!

(Cheering)

But the night of tonight,

to mark your gallant victory,

I, your chief,

will take another wife to bosom.

ALL: Aah!

Go to my tent.

The hour of your fulfilment approaches.

- Oh, look here, do I have to be fulfilled? - Take her!

Oh! (Yelps)

(Laughter)

My people,

the time is nigh!

I wish mine was. I could use a nigh old time right now.

Come, we will try and work our way round and up under the back of her tent.

But she isn't wearing one.

SHEIKH ABULBUL. ..are all with us.

(Cheering)

But first,

in accordance with the custom of our tribe,

you will all give your gifts to the glory of Abdul!

ALL: To the glory of Abdul!

To the glory of Abdul.

(Coins clink)

To the glory of Abdul.

Thank you.

(Whispers) Jane!

(Whispers) Bo!

Shh! Don't make a sound.

All right, come on.

Oh, Bo! Bo!

Dear, dear Jane!

- Are we...are we in time? - For what?

Well, you know. Has he...? Have you?

Oh, no, he hasn't. But neither have .

- Mein Liebchen! - Maximilian!

Mein Liebchen!

Do not worry, Max is here. I will take you to the fort. You will be safe there.

I wouldn't like to bet on that.

If you'll pardon me, sir, it's time / got Lady Jane out of here.

He's right, go ahead. I'll keep watch.

NOCKER: Look out! Somebody's coming!

To the glory of Abdul.

Thank you very much, I'm sure.

All right, what was all that about?

- They keep bringing money for him. - For him? You mean he gets paid for it?

Boy, I'm in the wrong racket!

This is not good. If they keep coming in and out,

one of them will see Lady Jane is missing and raise the alarm.

That's right, we need ten minutes to get her safely back to the fort.

Hey, maybe one of us could take her place. - That's a good idea, Sergeant.

- Somebody small. - Exactly, Sergeant.

Like you.

Um...maybe it's not such a good idea, after all.

But it is, Simpson. It's an absolutely splendid one.

Quickly, mein Liebchen, go behind the screen and change the clothes.

That shouldn't take long.

Well, get a move on, Simpson. Take them off.

Oh, very well, sir. Do you mind, sir?

Well?

- Do I have to, sir? - If you don't mind, Simpson.

Very well, sir.

- Hurry it up, will you, you guys? - We're ready.

He will do. Quickly, mein Liebchen. This way.

BO: Thanks, Simmy.

Sir, what am I going to do, sir, when the chief comes?

That's a good question, Simpson, and er...l wish I knew a good answer.

- Thank you, sir. - Don't forget, we need a good clear ten minutes.

- Now, you mustn't let him find out till then. - Sirl

Sir, Mr Bo, sir, he's bound to find out when my time is nigh!

But, Sergeant, you're not going to leave me alone with this man, are you?

Simmy, relax. All brides are nervous on their wedding night.

But I don't know what to do!

Just keep calm, and keep your fingers crossed, too. (Chuckles)

Well, remember, if things go wrong,

you can always escape through the trap door at the back!

- Have fun. - But, Sergeant!

(Belches)

My people! You have given enough!

ABDUL: [ can wait no longer.

I'm really engaged to a very well-known butcher in Wolverhampton.

- Come, my little... - No, not this week.

_lily of the Nile.

- Come, O sweet one. - No, no. No, no.

- Come. - You see, I'm only here for two weeks.

Aye, aye! You can put that away!

- I will have youl! - No, no! No, nol

Open the gates, Clotski! It's us!

LADY JANE: Come on!

- Has the chief found out about Simpson? - I don't think so.

SIMPSON: Argh! Help! - He has now.

Oh! Oh! Hello, boys.

Stop him! Stop him!

I have been tricked!

Bring me this man!

I will have his kidneys grilled for breakfast! I swear it by the prophet Mustafa Leak!

ALL: Mustafa Leak! - Never mind all that claptrap, you fools!

After him! After him!

Here he comes.

{(Gunshots)

(Rapid gunfire)

Give him covering fire.

Oh! Oh! Oh, let me in!

{(Gunshots)

Accursed ones!

You will all die for this!

I, Abdul Abulbul, swear it!

You will all die at dawn!

Well, that makes sense. That mob against the six of us.

All is not lost yet, Sergeant. There are still two hours before dawn.

Come, let us see what's in the storeroom.

Not much ammunition, Sergeant.

Well, there's gunpowder.

A gramophone. That's just what we needed. I suppose we could give them the needle.

- (Laughter) - Sergeant!

I thought I'd inject a little humour in a tense moment.

And over there. You see? Figs, dates, senna pods, cascara.

They couldn't have been regular troops, sir.

Let's see. They've got indigestion tablets, glucose tablets, salt tablets, the pill,

and...

The pill?!

- What do you suppose they use that for? - I can't conceive!

And you see over here? Gum arabic.

- We need gum arabic! - We need it like we need a hole in the head.

That's the luck we're running here. We can't find anything... Hold it.

Gum arabic. Gum... (Mumbles)

Sir, it might just work.

Come, now! Now!

Come on, come on. Push! Push! Push!

So, you see, dearest Bo, you didn't trip Humphrey at all.

He deliberately told a lie to dishonour you.

And so, you, dear sweet wonderful Jane

travelled all this way alone to tell me?

(Giggles)

Oh, it was nothing. Everybody was terribly kind.

- In fact, they couldn't do enough. - How sweet.

Do you realise what this means, Simpson?

My name is cleared, we can return to England.

Yes, sir, if we ever get out of this lot.

Now! Now!

We will move into position now!

(Cock crows)

(Yelling)

(Gunfire)

Stop firing!

They are on the run!

Argh! Oh! Oh! Argh!

(Continuous gunfire)

Oh! Argh!

& Rousing German song

Stop firing!

A relief force!

(German song continues)

& ..was der Jager macht

& Hier bleibt die Rose

& Und gab sie hier

(Speaks Arabic)

(German song continues)

(Laughs raucously)

(German song starts again)

What did I tell you? We got 'em worried!

(Groans)

Are you all right, sir?

Yes, but keep a lookout. They'll attack once they know what's happening.

(Gramophone music blares)

(Warped) & Und er spricht

J Das Madchen an...

(Singing slows down)

Uh-oh, that's torn it.

(Music plays very slowly)

(Music winds down and stops)

We've got a few surprises left for them.

Attack! Kill!

Look out! Here they come!

(Angry shouting)

SHEIKH ABULBUL: Kill!

All right, look alive. Another 50 yards, they'll be in it.

(Gunfire)

Killl Kill them!

Go on! Go on, you fools! Attack and kill them! Go on, kill them!

Bingo! Let 'em have it!

I'm enjoying this, you know!

Well, don't just hold it, throw it!

Oh!

Just like old times, sir.

Thank you, sir. Argh! Ooh!

Go on! Go on, you fools!

(Groans) Argh!

Here! More ammunition, quick!

- There's no more ammunition left. - Hey, Cricket Joe!

- More bombs! - Close of play, Sergeant. They're all finished.

Well, that's done it. The minute they get out of that goo, we're cooked.

(Yelling)

(Bugle fanfare)

Ooh! I do believe we've come in the nick.

Company!

We're moving into action!

Forward!

This time you win, but I shall have my revenge!

I swear it!

(Gunfire)

Hey!

Simmy, baby, I told you we'd... Hold it!

What's happened to the Kommandant?

- Have you been hit, sir? - Yes, in many places.

Have some water, sir. You'll feel better.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

(Applause)

(Nocker barks order)

Sergeant Nocker!

Yeah! Kommandant, if you don't mind.

Bo! How are you? Lady Jane!

Oh, it's good to see you, Sergeant. Can you stay a while?

Well, I just didn't come for tea and crumpets, old boy.

Wonderful! I'll get Simpson to collect your things.

Hold it. Never mind that, I got my own batman. Look alive! On the double!

Left right, left, right, hee-yah!

- Your batman? - Well, you must admit, it's better than Robin.

SIMPSON: Oh, excuse me, sir.

- You're in. - Oh, thank you very much indeed, Simpson.

Well, I'll see you in a few moments, Kommandant. Have a talk with my wife.

Give 'em a good go, Bo!

Well, Lady Jane, you're looking lovelier than ever.

- Thank you. - And I see you've been kept rather busy.

Oh, yes. Look.

- Isn't he adorable? The image of his father! - (Gurgles)

How is that? (Chuckles)

- Not out! - (Laughter and applause)