Original subtitles

[GROWLS]

[FAINT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[CAN RATTLES]

♪ WHAA!

♪ WHAA!

SO I BOUGHT MY FIRST MICROWAVE THE OTHER DAY.

IT'S PRETTY AMAZING, ACTUALLY.

I HAD NO IDEA.

I CAN COOK DINNER IN TWO MINUTES.

I CRAWLED INSIDE WITH A COPY OF WAR AND PEACE

AND READ IT IN EIGHT AND A HALF.

[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]

IT'S AN EASY READ.

IS, UH, ANYBODY HERE CELEBRATING A BIRTHDAY?

[SCATTERED CHEERS]

IN THE LAST YEAR OR SO?

ME TOO.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GUYS.

I, UH...

I RECENTLY SIGNED UP FOR THE ARMY.

I DID NOT PASS THE INTERVIEW.

THEY ASKED ME WHAT MY PHILOSOPHY ON LIFE WAS,

AND I SAID "IF YOU CAN'T BEAT 'EM, JOIN 'EM."

THEY DID NOT LIKE THAT.

I GOT THIS NEPHEW.

HE'S COOL, MAN.

LITTLE FIVE-YEAR-OLD.

RUNS AROUND THE HOUSE WITHOUT HIS SHIRT ON.

YOU SHOULD SEE THE PHYSIQUE ON THIS KID.

MAN, I REMEMBER WHEN I HAD A PHYSIQUE LIKE THAT.

I WAS ABOUT HIS AGE.

ALL RIGHT. THAT ONE WASN'T SO FUNNY.

I GET IT.

UM...NEEDS SOME WORK.

I LOVE EXERCISING.

OKAY, THAT WAS THE JOKE.

UH, WHEN I GO OUT JOGGING,

I DON'T WEAR RUNNING SHOES OR EXERCISE CLOTHES.

NO WAY.

I WEAR A SUIT AND A TIE.

THAT WAY, IF MY FRIENDS HAPPEN TO DRIVE BY,

THEY DON'T SAY, "HEY LOOK, THERE'S TREVOR. OUT RUNNING.

GOOD FOR HIM."

THEY SAY, "HEY, THERE'S TREVOR, RUNNING.

"HE MUST BE LATE.

LET'S GIVE HIM A RIDE."

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT. GOOD NIGHT, FOLKS.

[SCATTERED RESPONSE]

MAN, THAT SUCKED.

ALL RIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THAT WAS TREVOR NEWANDYKE.

BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE. ALL RIGHT.

HEY, YOU'RE THAT GUY THAT WAS JUST ON STAGE.

YUP, THAT WAS ME.

YOU LOOKED PRETTY NERVOUS, MAN.

IS THIS YOUR FIRST TIME, OR SOMETHING?

NO. NO.

YUP. YEAH, IT SEEMED LIKE IT.

BECAUSE YOU WERE REALLY NOT FUNNY.

LET ME GIVE YOU ONE PIECE OF ADVICE.

YOU SHOULD TELL FUNNY JOKES, OR TELL FUNNY STORIES,

OR TALK ABOUT FUNNY SITUATIONS.

YOU KNOW, LIKE, "I WENT TO THE GROCERY STORE THE OTHER DAY

AND YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE THE SIZE OF THE..."

OKAY, I GET IT.

WELL, ALL RIGHT. WELL, UH, UP HIGH.

YOU'LL GET THEM NEXT TIME.

ALL RIGHT, MAN.

NUT SHOT.

CISCO, MAN, THIS IS, LIKE, 25 BUCKS SHORT.

YOU DIDN'T BRING ONE PERSON IN TONIGHT.

NOT ONE.

IF ANYTHING, YOU SHOULD BE PAYING ME.

PLACE WAS EMPTY.

COME ON, MAN. YOU OWE ME MORE MONEY.

18 BUCKS. THAT'S ALL I'M PAYING YOU.

HERE, CAN I AT LEAST GET SOME QUARTERS FOR THE BUS?

ASK BARB.

RIGHT.

BARB, CAN I GET SOME QUARTERS FOR THE BUS?

CAN'T, TREV. I GOT NOTHING.

BEAUTIFUL. BEAUTIFUL.

[VOICES CHATTERING]

[MAN YELLING, MUFFLED]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RINGS]

YEAH.

HI, THIS IS STEVE FROM...

YES. YEAH, YES, IT IS.

...LOOKS LIKE IT'S OVERDUE AGAIN.

NO, NO, I'LL MAIL YOU A CHECK OUT TUESDAY.

IT'S TOO LATE.

WHAT DAY IS IT TODAY?

TODAY'S TUESDAY.

TODAY'S TUESDAY? AGAIN?

WELL, THURSDAY, MAYBE.

YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

COME ON.

WELL, YOU CAN'T TURN OFF MY TV, CAN YOU?

YES, I CAN.

OH, REALLY? YES.

JEEZ.

HEY, SPICER. IT'S TREVOR.

HEY, LOOK, MAN,

I NEED THAT $40 THAT YOU OWE ME.

FOR THOSE JOKES THAT I SOLD YOU, MAN.

I NEED IT, LIKE, TODAY.

OR TOMORROW, IF THAT WORKS BETTER.

UM...

I'M GONNA BE REALLY MAD IF I DON'T GET THAT MONEY.

I MEAN, I AM REALLY MAD.

BUT, I'M GONNA... CONTI--

JUST CALL ME BACK.

THIS IS TREVOR, BY THE WAY.

[SPITS]

SO I BUILT A TIME MACHINE OUT OF MY BED.

BUT THE PILLOWS DON'T WORK, AND MY NECK IS KILLING ME.

NO, I BUILT A TIME MACHINE OUT OF MY BED.

NO, FOR REAL.

THE MATTRESS SMELLS LIKE THE '20s.

IT'S HORRIBLE.

NO, FOR REAL, THOUGH.

I BUILT A TIME MACHINE OUT OF MY BED.

IT'S NO JOKE.

I CAN REALLY GO BACK

AND CHANGE WHAT I DO EVERY DAY

TO MAKE SURE THAT I DON'T GET IN TROUBLE.

[ALARM BEEPING]

OH. NO.

[BEEPING STOPS]

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

[MAN SPEAKING ON TELEVISION]

OKAY, SMILE. YOU'RE ON CANDID CAMERA.

[LAUGHS] ALL RIGHT. HEY, ALL RIGHT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

MY DAY HAS COME. IT'S SHINING.

I DOUBT IF I'LL EVER GET INTO TV,

BUT HERE'S MY TRACK IN, YOU KNOW.

HELLO, PEOPLE. HERE I AM.

HELLO, UTAH.

I SAYS, UH, I SAYS

IF I MAKE SOMETHING, IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO THIS,

I DON'T KNOW IF IT WILL.

I SAYS, "ME AND YOU ARE GONNA GO HAVE A STEAK DINNER."

REALLY. BUT THAT'S OLIVIA.

SEE, THIS IS OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN.

ANOTHER GUY CARVED THAT OUT.

[GUN FIRES]

I'M DYIN'. EVERYTHING IS GETTING DARK.

MOE, LARRY...

WHAT'S THE MATTER, KID?

THEY GOT ME.

TAKE IT EASY, KID. TAKE IT EASY.

WE GOTTA GET A DOCTOR.

WAIT A MINUTE. I STUDIED MEDICINE FOR THREE YEARS.

GO AND SEE WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM, DOC.

IS HE HURT?

HE'S GONE.

THE POOR KID.

AND I OWE HIM FIVE BUCKS.

WAIT A MINUTE. I HEARD THAT...

LAY DOWN. YOU WANNA MAKE A FOOL OUT OF THE DOCTOR?

[FIRECRACKER POPS]

[FAINT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

♪♪

♪♪

HEY, WHAT'S UP, BUM?

HEY, DUDE, LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION, MAN.

UH, YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO HAVE, LIKE,

TWO BUCKS I COULD BORROW, WOULD YOU?

BORROW? REALLY?

SERIOUSLY, MAN, I'VE BEEN OUT HERE ALL DAY.

I JUST NEED SOMEBODY TO LEND ME TWO BUCKS.

I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL PAY YOU BACK.

WOW, THAT'S A NEW ONE.

WHAT, ARE YOU TRYING TO GET A BURRITO, OR SOMETHING?

NO, MAN, TO BE COMPLETELY HONEST,

I JUST WANT TO GET A HUGE CAN OF BEER.

IT'S FREAKING HOT OUT HERE.

LIKE, COME ON, HELP ME OUT.

OKAY, MAN. YOU GOT IT.

I GOT, LIKE, A BUCK FOR YOU.

DUDE, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

I'LL HIT YOU BACK, DUDE.

YEAH, WHATEVER, MAN.

HEY, MAN!

HEY, IT WAS YOU THAT I GAVE THAT TEN BUCKS TO, WASN'T IT?

YEAH, SO?

THAT WAS A MISTAKE.

YOU THINK I'D REALLY GIVE YOU TEN DOLLARS?

I GUESS SO.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE BEING FRIENDLY, MAN.

I TOLD YOU I'D PAY YOU BACK.

WELL, NOW I GOT NOTHING.

DUDE. BUMMER, MAN.

UH, WANT A BEER?

NO.

YOU OWE ME BIG TIME.

WHATEVER.

HEY, EXCUSE ME, MA'AM.

I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY.

NO, I'M NOT ASKING YOU FOR MONEY.

THEN WHAT IS IT?

WELL, I'M NOT BEGGING.

I WANT TO SELL YOU A JOKE.

HUH? ORIGINAL JOKE.

IT'S JUST FIFTY CENTS.

I WILL NOT GIVE YOU MONEY FOR ALCOHOL.

WHAT? NO, NO.

I'M NOT BUYING ALCOHOL.

THERE'S THIS OTHER GUY.

HE GOT ALL OF MY MONEY.

AND HE'S THE ONE THAT'S BUYING THE BOOZE.

HEY, I--I REALLY-- I JUST WANT A SLURPEE.

I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS.

JUST TAKE IT.

HEY, THANKS!

JUST WALK OFF THEN.

HEY, WHAT HAPPENED TO GRAPE?

[MAN] I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW.

WE REPLACED IT WITH DEW.

OH, MAN.

YOU BEEN GETTING A LOT OF COMPLAINTS ABOUT THAT GRAPE BEING OUT?

NO.

REALLY?

THAT'S WEIRD, BECAUSE THIS CHERRY

TASTES LIKE COUGH SYRUP.

DOLLAR FOUR, MAN.

OF COURSE, IT'S NOT REALLY COUGH SYRUP, IS IT?

WOW. NO, IT'S NOT REALLY COUGH SYRUP.

DOLLAR FOUR, MAN.

DOLLAR FOUR? SINCE WHEN, MAN?

THEY'RE USUALLY 89 CENTS.

THEY'VE ALWAYS BEEN A DOLLAR FOUR.

NO WAY. NO WAY.

I COME IN HERE EVERY DAY.

YOU DON'T LOOK FAMILIAR TO ME.

WHAT? COME ON, MAN.

I KNOW YOU. YOU'RE TIM!

WHATEVER.

I SEE THOUSANDS OF YOU CUSTOMERS EVERY DAY.

WHOA. THOUSANDS? DOUBT IT.

HUNDREDS, MAYBE.

YOU GONNA PAY FOR YOUR FREEZEE, OR WHAT?

FREEZEE?

WELL, I MEAN, THIS IS ALL I GOT.

TEN CENTS SHORT.

WELL, THEN YOU GET NO FREEZEE.

AGAIN WITH THE FREEZEE.

THIS GUY. LOOK MAN, I'LL JUST--

I'LL BRING IN THE TEN CENTS TOMORROW.

TOMORROW?

YEAH.

NO.

IT IS SO BOGUS YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME DO THIS.

MM-HMM.

ONE. TWO.

THREE. FOUR.

FIVE. SIX.

SEVEN.

EIGHT. NINE.

AND WELL DONE. THANK YOU.

VERY GOOD. ENJOY YOUR FREEZEE.

[SIRENS WAILING, HORNS HONKING]

[RAP MUSIC PLAYS]

♪♪

FUNNY STUFF.

JUST UPSTAIRS.

LAUGH SHACK.

FIFTEEN MINUTES.

FUNNY, FUNNY STUFF.

LADIES...

WE GOT A BIG SHOW TONIGHT.

JUST TAKE ONE OF THESE FLYERS.

IT'LL GET YOU FIVE DOLLARS OFF AT THE DOOR.

FIVE DOLLARS? HOW MUCH IS THE SHOW?

IT'S CHEAP. YOU CAN DRINK UP THERE.

BUY A COUPLE DRINKS.

IT'LL BE, LIKE, $15.

$15!

WELL, I'LL BE THERE TOO.

SAYING LOTS OF FUNNY THINGS.

YOU? YOU DON'T SEEM VERY FUNNY.

ARE YOU A COMEDIAN?

NO. YEAH.

JUST TAKE ONE OF THESE.

LOOK, THEY'RE GONNA ACT LIKE A COUPON.

THEY'LL HELP YOU OUT. THEY'RE GONNA--

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT GOING, ARE YOU?

NOPE. NO.

THANKS.

YEAH, THANKS FOR LISTENING ANYWAY.

WE HAVE OTHER PLANS.

NO, I UNDERSTAND.

IT'S NOT THAT FUNNY ANYHOW.

HI, LADIES. DENNIS SPICER.

YOU ARE?

SPICER, I ALREADY TALKED TO THEM.

YEAH, I CAN TELL. THEY'RE LEAVING.

UH, THEY'D KILL ME UPSTAIRS

IF THEY KNEW I WAS GIVING ONE TO EACH OF YOU, BUT...

THIS YOUNG MAN ALREADY GAVE US EACH ONE.

OH, BUT LADIES, I'M GOING TO BE THERE.

AND I'M A FUNNY GUY.

HOW FUNNY?

WELL, ACTUALLY, HE'S RIGHT. HE'S HILARIOUS.

THANKS, TREVOR.YEAH, SURE.

HEY, WHY DON'T YOU GO AND DO YOUR PETER O'TOOLE IMPRESSION FOR THEM.

YOU'LL LOVE THIS.

OH, I'D LOVE THAT. OH, PLEASE DO IT FOR US.

THAT'D BE A KICK.

NO, I DON'T HAVE ONE. REALLY, I DON'T.

OH, COME ON.HE'S JUST BEING NERVOUS.

NO, REALLY, I DON'T HAVE ONE.

TREVOR, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

COME ON! SHOW THEM, BUDDY.

JUST GO FOR IT.

WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? I DON'T HAVE ONE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

HE'S STILL NERVOUS.

NO. I DON'T GET NERVOUS, OKAY?

I'M ALWAYS CONFIDENT. ALWAYS.

WELL, GOOD NIGHT, LADIES.THANKS.

THANKS FOR LISTENING ANYWAY.

I'M SORRY ABOUT MY BUDDY SPICER HERE.

IT'S OKAY.

OKAY.TAKE CARE.

WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, MAN?

O'TOOLE IMPRESSION?

WHAT? I THOUGHT YOU DID ONE.

NO. I DO AN AMAZING STALLONE, BUT NO O'TOOLE.

OH, RIGHT, STALLONE. YEAH.

I'M SORRY. I FORGOT, MAN.

STALLONE.

STALLONE...

YEAH, I DO AN INCREDIBLE STALLONE.

OH, I KNOW. YEAH.

YOU KNOW, I HAD THESE LADIES IN THE DOOR, OKAY, AND YOU BLEW IT.

YOU NEED TO LEARN TO SELL THE PRODUCT, TREVOR.

HEY, MAN, DID YOU GET THAT MESSAGE I LEFT YOU?

DIDN'T GET IT.

WHAT? OH, COME ON, MAN.

I NEED THAT MONEY YOU OWE ME.

THEY'RE GOING TO TURN OFF MY CABLE.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. YOU HAVE A VCR.

OH, WHAT? THE TAPES OF THE JERRY LEWIS TELETHON?

NO WAY. I'M NOT DOING THAT AGAIN.

COME ON, YOU OWE ME THAT MONEY, MAN.

IT'S MINE.

WHAT MONEY? I LITERALLY CANNOT WAIT

TO HEAR WHAT THIS IS ABOUT.

WAIT, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR WHY I OWE YOU MONEY.

NO, BUT YOU SAID YOU LITERALLY CAN'T WAIT.

RIGHT. I REALLY CAN'T WAIT.

WHATEVER, MAN.

LOOK, YOU OWE ME MONEY FOR THAT JOKE BOOK I SOLD YOU.

THAT WAS ALL ORIGINAL MATERIAL.

AND I DON'T EVEN TELL THOSE JOKES ANYMORE,

BECAUSE I SOLD THEM TO YOU.

DUDE, THOSE JOKES, THEY STUNK, OKAY?

I DON'T USE THEM.

WHAT? THE CRANKING UP THE BASS FOR BOOKS ON TAPE?

MAN, THAT BIT IS HILARIOUS.

OH, I WOULD NEVER USE THAT ONE. SO DUMB.

IT'S NOT DUMB. IT'S ALL IN DELIVERY.

NO. DELIVERY AND MATERIAL.

OKAY? IT CAN'T BE ONE OR THE OTHER.

OH, THANK YOU. YEAH.

DICK YOBA'S COMING FRIDAY NIGHT, YOU KNOW.

REALLY? MM-HMM.

YEAH, AND HE'S LOOKING TO SIGN SOMEBODY.

I DON'T CARE. HE DOESN'T EVER LIKE ANYONE.

YEAH, RIGHT!

I'VE BEEN WORKING ON MY STUFF ALL MONTH.

AND CISCO SAYS IF HE LIKES ME,

HE'LL SIGN ME TO THE EAST COAST.

IS HIS NAME REALLY DICK YOBA?

YEAH, WHY?

BECAUSE HE'S NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR ACT, IS WHAT I HEAR.

I DON'T CARE. DUDE THINKS HE'S BIG TIME.

HE IS. AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM.

HOW SAD.

NEITHER DO YOU!

I'M GOING UPSTAIRS, OKAY?

BE READY FOR FRIDAY NIGHT.

IT'S THE BIG NIGHT.

YOU KNOW, YOU STILL OWE ME.

I DON'T OWE YOU A THING. OKAY?

YOU'RE A LOUSE, SPICER.

BE READY FOR FRIDAY NIGHT. ONE WEEK, BABY.

YOBA'S COMING!

STILL DON'T CARE.

COMEDY! FUNNY STUFF!

LAUGH SHACK! UPSTAIRS!

SHOW STARTS IN FIVE MINUTES.

FUNNY, FUNNY STUFF.

OKAY. IT'S JUST...

IT'S JUST LIKE BITTMAN SAYS.

YOU ALWAYS CARE FOR THE HAIR.

ALWAYS CARE FOR HAIR.

OH, MAN, WHATEVER.

[MAN] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

LET'S GIVE IT UP FOR TREVOR NEWANDYKE!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH? I, UH...

I'M WORKING ON BUILDING A TIME MACHINE.

IT SHOULD BE READY SOMETIME IN THE FUTURE.

[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]

I BOUGHT A TOTINO'S PARTY PIZZA LAST NIGHT.

I WAS EXPECTING SO MUCH MORE.

I MEAN, I WAS REALLY EXCITED.

I INVITED SOME FRIENDS OVER,

WE CRANKED UP THE MUSIC, GOT READY TO THROW DOWN.

TURNS OUT THAT A TOTINO'S PARTY PIZZA PARTY

ISN'T THAT COOL.

I FORGOT MY GIRLFRIEND'S BIRTHDAY LAST WEEK.

MAN, SHE WAS FURIOUS.

SHE TOLD ME THAT I'D BE IN THE DOGHOUSE FOR A MONTH.

I SAID, "WELL, HONEY,

"IT'S A GOOD THING I BUILT THE DOG

THAT THREE-BEDROOM CONDO IN THE BACKYARD."

I'M JUST KIDDING. THAT WAS A JOKE.

I DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

IS ANYBODY HERE CELEBRATING A BIRTHDAY?

[WOMEN CHEER]

WITHIN THE LAST YEAR OR SO?

ALL RIGHT. ME TOO.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GUYS.

MAN, YOU KNOW, I THINK ADAM AND EVE ARE COOL.

YOU KNOW, MOST PEOPLE SEE A SNAKE AND THEY FREAK.

BUT THEY JUST KIND OF SORT OF HUNG OUT WITH IT,

AND LET IT TALK ITS SNAKE JIVE.

I KNOW IF A SNAKE OFFERED ME A GOLDEN APPLE

I'D BE OUT OF THERE.

MAN, IF I FOUND OUT IT WAS THE DEVIL, I'D TELL HIM TO GET LOST.

NO DEAL.

ACTUALLY, I MIGHT EAT LUNCH WITH A SNAKE.

MIGHT MAKE A DEAL WITH A SNAKE.

ESPECIALLY IF HE HAD SOME COOL VHS TAPES OR SOMETHING.

BUT, MAN, NO DEALS WITH THE DEVIL.

UNLESS HE HAD SOME PRETTY COOL VHS TAPES.

THEY'D HAVE TO BE REALLY GOOD VHS.

I'M TALKING LIKE... CRITTERS 2.

[RAP MUSIC]

♪♪

YEAH?

WANT A CHIP?

NO, THANKS. I'M SET.

THEY'RE GOOD.

THANK YOU.

GOOD, HUH?

YEAH, IT'S A DORITO.

SO GROSS.

YOU'RE LEAVING?

LOOK AT ALL THE CHEESE FLAVOR ON MY FINGERS.

HEY.

HELLO, MY FRIEND.

WHAT'LL IT BE?

WELL, THE SIGN SAYS "FRUIT," BUT I DON'T SEE ANY.

WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE A LOOK AT MY ONIONS.

GROSS.

WHY IS THERE NO FRUIT?

WELL, I HAD TO CHANGE MY BUSINESS MODEL.

THIS ISN'T EVEN A FRUIT OR A VEGETABLE.

IT'S, LIKE, A CHEWED-UP LITTLE FOOTBALL.

SO WHAT? JUST LEAVE IT ALONE.

SO THERE'S NO FRUIT?

NO FRUIT.

NOT EVEN AN APPLE?

NOT FOR SALE.

WAIT, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

WELL, I HAVE THIS RARE GOLDEN DELICIOUS.

BUT IT'S MINE.

GOLDEN DELICIOUS.

YEAH, THE APPLE.

A GOLDEN APPLE, HUH? YEAH.

REALLY? OH, REALLY.

REALLY? UH-HUH.

OKAY, I GET IT.

I DON'T.

AM I ON CAMERA HERE OR SOMETHING?

CAN WE MAKE A DEAL?

A DEAL? FOR THE APPLE?

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I WANT.

WELL, HOW MUCH YOU GOT?

I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY.

WELL, THEN YOU HAVE NO APPLE.

WHAT IF I--WHAT IF I GAVE YOU A JOKE?

AN ORIGINAL JOKE FOR THE APPLE.

WHAT, ARE YOU A COMEDIAN, OR SOMETHING?

NO. YES.

WELL, WHAT'S THE JOKE?

NO, NO, DO WE HAVE A DEAL?

OH, NO. NO, NOT UNTIL I HEAR THE JOKE.

I MEAN, HEY, WHAT IF IT STINKS?

IT'S NOT GOING TO STINK.

YOU SURE?

NO.

COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.

JUST TELL ME THE JOKE. COME ON.

OKAY. OKAY.

HOW ABOUT...

WHAT'S FASTER? HOT OR COLD?

COME ON. ARE YOU SERIOUS?

COME ON. WHICH ONE?

I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S HOT.

BECAUSE YOU CAN CATCH A COLD.

[SCOFFS]

THAT'S IT?

THAT'S IT? THAT'S ALL YOU GOT?

THAT'S LOUSY.

IT'S NOT THAT BAD.

IT'S NOT ORIGINAL.

I PUT MY OWN LITTLE SPIN ON IT.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT?

HERE. TAKE IT.

THE APPLE'S YOURS.

I DON'T CARE.

REALLY? OH, REALLY.

SO IT'S A DEAL?

OH, IT'S A DEAL. IT'S A DONE DEAL.

THAT'S IT?

THAT'S IT.

YOU'RE SURE?

GOOD DEAL.

GOOD DAY!

[MUFFLED YELLING]

I GOT MY MEAT, I GOT MY VEGETABLES,

AND I GOT MY DESSER--

NO DESSERT?

[WOMAN WHIMPERING, MUFFLED]

[STATIC]

COME ON!

I BOUGHT A MICROWAVE.

IT CAN MAKE DINNER IN TWO MINUTES.

IT'S CRAZY.

SO I CRAWLED INSIDE, AND I READ A BOOK IN UNDER FIVE.

I CRAWLED INSIDE AND I READ WAR AND PEACE.

IT ONLY TOOK ME TEN MINUTES.

PRETTY DECENT BOOK. PRETTY GOOD BOOK.

PRETTY DECENT READ. NOT BAD.

GOOD...GOOD BOOK.

EASY READ. EASY READ.

MY KID BROTHER, HE CRAWLED INSIDE AND CAME OUT AN OLD MAN.

MY LITTLE BROTHER HOPPED INSIDE, POOR KID,

CAME OUT AN OLD MAN. [GROANS]

I BOUGHT A NEW MICROWAVE.

I USE IT TO MAKE KOOL-AID OUT OF POPSICLES.

IT'S NO GOOD?

YOU DIDN'T LIKE THAT ONE?

SO YOU GOING TO EAT IT, OR WHAT?

NOT YET.

I'M GOING TO KEEP IT.

IT'S KIND OF A BIG DEAL.

SO YEAH, I'M JUST GOING TO HOLD ONTO IT FOR A WHILE.

SO YOU'RE THINKING IT'S SOME KIND OF A SIGN, THEN?

COME ON, NO.

I JUST THINK IT'S KIND OF COOL.

IT'S AN APPLE, HON.

YEAH.

BUT IT'S STILL CRAZY.

I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE IT IS MAGIC.

AND IF I EAT IT, I'M GOING TO GET SPECIAL POWERS.

OR MAYBE I'LL JUST DIE.

WHATEVER.

BARB! [WHISTLES]

OKAY, BARB. I'M UP.

GOOD LUCK, KID.THANKS.

NOT TONIGHT.

WHAT?

I BUMPED YA.

WHAT, I'M BUMPED?

YOU DON'T BRING ANYONE IN.

AND DICK YOBA'S COMING FRIDAY NIGHT

TO CHECK OUT A COUPLE SETS.

I NEED TO GET MY A-LISTERS UP ON STAGE.

I'M ABOUT TO GO NUTS, I SWEAR.

A-LISTERS. NICE SHIRT.

UM, JUST A QUICK QUESTION.

WHAT DO YOU THINK SYLVESTER STALLONE'S

FAVORITE ICE CREAM IS?

WHAT?

ROCKY ROAD.

[MAN] THAT JOKE AGAIN?

YEAH. CAN YOU GET HIM OUT OF HERE?

THANKS.

SO WE'RE HAVING A GOOD TIME.

OH, I GOT A NEW CAR.

IT'S AN OMEGA.

YEAH, IT'S A--I HAVE A NEW STEREO IN IT, TOO.

AND, YOU KNOW, I'M INTO THOSE BOOKS ON TAPE.

OH, MY GOSH, THOSE THINGS ARE AWESOME.

YEAH, I LIKE TO CRANK THE BASS.

BOOKS ON TAPE, CRANK THE BASS?

PULL UP TO THE INTERSECTION.

JUST LIKE--

GOOD STUFF.

IT REALLY ANNOYS PEOPLE.

TREVMEISTER!

I KILLED IT OUT THERE. KILLED IT.

THOUGHT YOU GOT BUMPED?

YOU KNOW, I SAW YOUR SET TONIGHT.

THAT BOOKS ON TAPE BIT, THAT'S MY JOKE.

OH, NO. HEY, BUDDY, THAT'S MY JOKE, OKAY?

IT'S NOT YOUR JOKE.

I ENJOY CRANKING THE BASS

WHEN LISTENING TO BOOKS ON TAPE.

THAT'S A TRUE THING I LIKE.

YOU KNOW THEY CUT MY CABLE OFF BECAUSE I COULDN'T PAY.

YOU OWE ME FOR THOSE JOKES.

OH, COME ON MAN.

THIS IS, LIKE, THE LONGEST PEE EVER!

[ALARM BEEPING]

[RAP MUSIC PLAYING]

♪♪

[TAPE DISTORTING]

OH, GOD.

[CHANGING RADIO STATIONS]

[STATIC, CHANGING STATIONS]

[HOWLS]

[HOWLS]

[BARKING]

[HEAVY METAL]

♪♪

OH, I'M SORRY.

[MUSIC CONTINUES FAINTLY IN HEADPHONES]

YOU KNOW, I WAS JUST READING,

AND YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS,

ABOUT A MAN WHO ATE SPOILED VENISON.

THE DEER MEAT. I MEAN, LIKE, ROTTEN DEER MEAT.

AND A WEEK LATER THEY FOUND ANTLERS GROWING FROM HIS HEAD.

REALLY?

OH, YEAH. LIKE THIS CRAZY DREAM I HAD.

MY SISTER WAS WORKING IN A LIBRARY.

IT WAS JUST SO BIZARRE.

I DON'T THINK SHE EVER GOES TO THE LIBRARY.

AND THERE SHE STOOD,

JUST RE-SHELVING THESE BOOKS LIKE AN EXPERT.

THAT'S IT?

WELL, THAT'S VERY UNUSUAL TO ME

TO DREAM OF YOUR SISTER WORKING IN A LIBRARY OF ALL PLACES.

WHAT IS IT?

LOOK.

LOOKS LIKE THAT DUDE'S STEALING THAT BIKE.

OH, NO. YOU'RE RIGHT.

DON'T LOOK AT HIM.

DUDE!

SIT DOWN. HE'LL SEE US.

HEY, MAN, THAT'S NOT YOUR BIKE!

NO, NO. PLEASE DON'T!

I GOT TO FIND A COP.

JUST LOOK AROUND FOR A COP.

NO. PLEASE DON'T, PLEASE DON'T, PLEASE DON'T.

THERE'S NO COP. I'M GOING OVER THERE.

OH, NO.

HEY, MAN!

NO, DON'T DO THAT.

WHAT?

4:00 a.m.

STALLONE.

STALLONE.

STALLONE.

WE GOT DRAMA HERE IN LOUISVILLE TONIGHT

AS THE BASES ARE LOADED.

IT'S THE BOTTOM OF THE NINTH, FULL COUNT.

AT THE PLATE IS TREVOR NEWANDYKE.

HERE'S THE WIND UP. THE PITCH, AND--

AW. TOO BAD.

HE LETS HIS CITY DOWN AGAIN.

STRIKE THREE. TREVOR IS OUT.

I BUILT A TIME MACHINE.

WORKING ON BUILDING A TIME MACHINE.

IT SHOULD BE READY SOMETIME.

IN THE FUTURE.

I'M BUILDING A TIME MACHINE.

IT SHOULD BE READY SOMETIME. IN THE FUTURE.

IT SHOULD BE READY SOME TIME. IN THE FUTURE.

I WENT BACK IN TIME LAST WEEK.

I WENT BACK IN TIME ALL THE WAY TO LAST WEEK,

AND IT WAS BORING!

AND IT WAS BORING.

IT WAS BORING.

I BUY A LOT OF NON-DAIRY CREAMER,

AND I DON'T EVEN DRINK COFFEE.

BUT I GOT A TON OF THIS STUFF.

OKAY, THAT'S NOT EVEN A JOKE.

STEVE? IS THAT A JOKE?

NO. YEAH, I DIDN'T THINK SO.

SEE?

TA-DA!

[MAN] ♪ IF YOU DON'T KNOW ME BY NOW ♪

♪ YOU WILL NEVER, NEVER, NEVER KNOW ME... ♪

♪ KNOW ME

♪ NO, YOU WON'T

♪ IF YOU DON'T OWE ME BY NOW ♪

♪ YOU WILL NEVER, EVER OWE ME ♪

♪ NO, YOU WON'T

YOU KNOW, THESE SHIRTS LOOK SO GOOD ON ME.

IT'S, LIKE, WE SHOULD HAVE...

LIKE, SPICER SHIRTS OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

SPICER.

NO? OKAY.

YOU KNOW, I GOTTA TELL YOU

ABOUT THIS DREAM I HAD LAST NIGHT.

OKAY. I LOVE HEARING ABOUT DREAMS.

OH, THEN YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS ONE.

YOU'RE LITERALLY GOING TO FLIP OUT.

AGAIN, NOT SURE WHAT THAT MEANS.

OKAY, I WAS IN THE ARMY, OKAY?

GUNS GOING OFF EVERYWHERE.

IT'S LIKE ME AND ALL MY FRIENDS

WERE IN THIS HUGE WAR.

I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER WHO WAS IN THE DREAM.

BUT DID YOU EVER HAVE A DREAM LIKE THAT?

WHEN YOU WERE IN THE ARMY?YEAH.

LIAR.

NO, ALL THE TIME.

YEAH, RIGHT.

WHAT ELSE HAPPENED?

WHAT, IN THE DREAM?

YEAH.

I JUST TOLD YOU.

THAT'S IT? THAT'S THE WHOLE DREAM?

WELL, OBVIOUSLY IT WAS WAY COOLER THAN I CAN DESCRIBE HERE.

OH, MY GOSH.

IT'S LIKE, YOU KNOW IN MOVIES WHEN THEY TALK ABOUT DREAMS,

AND THEY CUT TO THE REENACTMENT OF THE DREAM?

YEAH.

YEAH, WELL, YOU'D FLIP OUT IF THAT HAPPENED, WOULDN'T YOU?

SO, HERE'S WHAT I'M THINKING.

I TAKE THE PART ABOUT THE ARMY,

OKAY, AND I TURN IT INTO A DISCO INSTEAD.

MAKE A BIT OUT OF IT.

FUNNY. STUFF.

I HEARD ABOUT THIS GUY IN TEXAS.

HE ATE SO MUCH BARBEQUE SAUCE

HIS SKIN LITERALLY BURST INTO FLAMES.

LIKE--

NO JOKE.

NO JOKE?

WELL, I'M THINKING ABOUT A WAY

TO TRY AND TURN IT INTO A JOKE.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT'S IT, MAN.

I'M OUT OF HERE.

HEY, HEY. YOBA.

TWO DAYS.

YEAH, I STILL DON'T CARE.

YOU HEAR BARB WAS FIRED?

WHAT?

YUP. YOU KNOW CISCO.

HE'S CRAZY.

THEN I HAVE THIS ROTTEN BOSS.

I THINK I'M GONNA FIREBOMB HIS BACKYARD TOMORROW.

[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]

YEAH, I DON'T WANNA TELL JOKES.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I, UH...

I'VE BEEN HOLDING ON TO THIS APPLE FOR A WHILE NOW.

I GUESS I THOUGHT THAT IT WAS MAGICAL, OR SOMETHING.

THE DEVIL GAVE IT TO ME.

WE MADE A DEAL.

I KNOW. SNAKES, BUT NO DEVIL.

OH, RIGHT. THAT WAS SOMETHING I TOLD THE LAST CROWD.

UH...

LOOK, I'M JUST GONNA EAT IT.

JUST GONNA EAT IT.

HERE GOES NOTHING.

YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT THAT BAD, ACTUALLY.

IT'S PRETTY GOOD.

YOU KNOW, I STILL GOT THREE MINUTES.

I'M JUST GONNA STAND HERE AND EAT THIS APPLE.

WHAT IF I TOOK A BITE OUT OF THE CORE?

THAT'D BE FUNNY, RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]

[MAN CHUCKLES]

[MAN] HEY, TAKE A BITE OF THIS!

[MAN LAUGHS, MAN COUGHS]

YOU KNOW, THAT'S ABOUT THE LOUSIEST THING ANYONE'S EVER YELLED AT ME.

ANYTHING ELSE?

NOW'S YOUR CHANCE TO COME UP WITH SOMETHING FUNNIER IF YOU WANT TO.

YOU KNOW, THE NEXT TIME ANYBODY YELLS ANYTHING OUT AT ME,

EVER AGAIN, I'M GONNA BUST THEM IN THE FACE.

JUST SO YOU KNOW.

SO HARD.

SO HARD.

IT'S GONNA BE HILARIOUS.

[GATE RATTLES]

♪ WHAA!

[HEAVY METAL]

♪♪

♪ IF YOU DON'T KNOW ME BY NOW ♪

♪ YOU WILL NEVER, EVER, EVER KNOW ME ♪

[GLASS BREAKING]

♪ IF YOU DON'T KNOW ME BY NOW ♪

♪ YOU WILL NEVER, EVER, EVER OWE ♪

MM... NO, YOU WON'T!

♪ YOU WILL NEVER, EVER, EVER OWE ME ♪

♪ OH NO YOU WON'T

♪ IF YOU DON'T OWE ME BY NOW ♪

♪ YOU WILL NEVER, EVER, EVER OWE ME ♪

♪ IF YOU DON'T OWE ME BY NOW ♪

♪ YOU WILL NEVER, EVER, EVER OWE ME ♪

♪ MM-HMM

♪ OH, NO

♪ IF YOU DON'T KNOW ME BY NOW ♪

♪ YOU WILL NEVER, EVER--

[GROANS]

I TRIED TO JOIN THE ARMY THE OTHER DAY.

I DIDN'T MAKE IT MUCH PAST THE INTERVIEW.

SEE, THEY ASKED WHAT MY PHILOSOPHY IN LIFE WAS

AND I SAID, "IF YOU CAN'T BEAT 'EM, JOIN 'EM."

THEY DIDN'T LIKE THAT.

I DIDN'T GET THAT GIG.

I, UH, I ACTUALLY--

I FAILED MY FIREFIGHTER'S EXAM AS WELL.

I TOLD THEM MY PHILOSOPHY WAS FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE.

THAT'S TRUE, ACTUALLY. THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

THAT'S NOT A JOKE.

BOUGHT MY FIRST MICROWAVE THE OTHER DAY.

IT'S PRETTY AMAZING. I HAD NO IDEA.

I CAN COOK DINNER IN UNDER TWO MINUTES.

I CRAWLED INSIDE WITH A COPY OF WAR AND PEACE,

AND READ IT IN UNDER FIVE.

IT'S AN EASY READ.

MY KID BROTHER, HE CRAWLED INSIDE AFTER ME.

HE WAS ONLY IN THERE FOR TEN MINUTES.

CAME OUT AN OLD MAN.

POOR KID.

ALL RIGHT.

I, UH, I COOKED A TOTINO'S PARTY PIZZA THE OTHER NIGHT.

LAMEST PARTY IN TOWN.

[WOMAN LAUGHS]

[MAN] NOT FUNNY.

OH, PERFECT. A COMEDIAN.

WHY DON'T YOU COME ON UP HERE?

COME ON UP. NOW, DUDE.

[SCATTERED CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

YEAH, HE CAN TAKE OVER.

ALL RIGHT.

WANTS TO BE A FUNNY GUY.

STAGE IS YOURS.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

IT'S TODD.

YEAH, YOU LOOK LIKE A TODD.

ALL RIGHT. WELL, IT'S YOUR TIME TO SHINE, MY FRIEND.

GO FOR IT.

[APPLAUSE]

WHAT'S UP? WHAT'S UP, DUDES?

WHOO! HEY!

WHO'S GETTING DRUNK TONIGHT?

[SCATTERED CHEERS]

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT, TODD?

THAT'S NOT HOW I WORK.

HOW ABOUT WE DO SOME PHYSICAL COMEDY.

TODD?

I'M NOT SURE. SURE.

PHYSICAL COMEDY. HILARIOUS PHYSICAL COMEDY.

COME ON. THEY LOVE IT, MAN.

WHAT ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE, UH, THE THREE STOOGES, MAYBE?

YEAH, SOUNDS GOOD. ALL RIGHT.

SEE, WHAT I'M GONNA DO IS,

I'M GONNA HIT TODD IN THE FACE WITH THIS MIC STAND.

IT'S GONNA BE GREAT. IT'S GONNA BE HILARIOUS.

OKAY, I WANT EVERYONE TO COUNT ALONG.

ALL RIGHT?

ONE...

YOU KNOW, TODD, THIS IS--

THIS IS ALL JUST A JOKE, OKAY?

FAKE AS THIS WALL.

TWO...

YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY, YOU BETTER PUT THAT MIC DOWN.

I DON'T WANNA BREAK IT.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THIS.

THREE.

HO, HO.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, A BIG HAND FOR TODD.

NOW THAT'S FUNNY.

OH, MAN.

OH, MAN. I'M LOSING IT.

[MAN] LIVE FROM CAESAR'S PALACE IN LAS VEGAS,

IT'S THE 1985 JERRY LEWIS SUPER SHOW.

TO BENEFIT THE MUSCULAR DYSTROPHY ASSOCIATION.

HOT.

[MUFFLED VOICES]

JEEZ.

[TV, MUFFLED VOICES CONTINUE]

[MAN SPEAKING ANGRILY, WOMAN WHIMPERING]

[THUD]

[MAN CONTINUES YELLING]

UH-UH.

[TV, MUFFLED ARGUING CONTINUES]

[WOMAN WHIMPERING]

[MAN] DON'T--DON'T DO IT. DON'T!

DON'T DO IT! DON'T!

DON'T DO THAT AGAIN.

NO!

GOOD DAY. HAVE A GOOD DAY.

HOW MANY TIMES?

HOW MANY TIMES?

DO I GOTTA KEEP DOING THIS?

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

THE--THE NEIGHBOR. TREVOR.

FROM NEXT DOOR.

OKAY. TREVOR. FROM NEXT DOOR.

[GROANS]

YOU SHOULD HAVE STAYED OUT OF MY BUSINESS.

OH--

[GROANING]

HOLY COW.

I'M SORRY.

DON'T BE.

ACTUALLY, IT FELT PRETTY GOOD.

I SHOULD PROBABLY GET OUT OF HERE.

YEAH.

[HOWLS]

COME ON, MAN. LET'S GO.

YOU WANNA GO? LET'S DO IT.

[CAN RATTLES]

[HEAVY METAL]

♪♪

[FIRECRACKERS POPPING]

[BOTTLE ROCKET FIRES, POPS]

[BOTTLE ROCKET FIRES, POPS]

[WHISTLES]

DUDE, HOLD ON.

YOU ALL RIGHT?

YEAH, IT'S JUST-- IT'S JUST A STOMACH PROBLEM.

YOU SHOULD GET SOME PEPTO ON THAT.

HEY, HOLD ON A SECOND.

HEY, MAN. THAT TEN I OWE YOU.

I TOLD YOU I'D PAY YOU BACK.

YEAH. YEAH.

TAKE IT EASY, DUDE.

ALL RIGHT.

♪ IF YOU DON'T KNOW ME... ♪

TIM.

YEAH, THE DORITO GUY.

HEY, YOU GUYS GET THIS GUY WHATEVER HE WANTS, ALL RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT.

HEY, GRAPE'S BACK.

ALL RIGHT.

[TIM] IT WAS NEVER OUT.

NO, YOU'RE WRONG, TIM.

KEEP THE CHANGE, TIM.

SO GROSS.

AAH!

[GROANING]

SO I'M BUMPED AGAIN?

UH-HUH. I BUMPED YOU FOR SPICER.

FOR SPICER?

LOOK, DICK YOBA'S OUT THERE.

I DON'T WANT HIM TO THINK I'M HIRING BUMS.

SO GET LOST.

[COUGHS]

I'M GOING ON STAGE TONIGHT.

KEEP IT DOWN. I'M WATCHING THE GAME.

WELL, I'M GOING UPSTAIRS.

I DON'T WANT YOU GOING UP THERE, BOMBING AGAIN.

ME, BOMB?

I'LL FIRE BOMB YOUR BACKYARD.

EXCUSE ME?

I DON'T TOLERATE BUMS LIKE YOU.

I PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE.

THAT'S MY POLICY.

OH, THAT'S YOUR POLICY?YEAH.

YEAH, WELL, HERE'S MY POLICY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK SYLVESTER STALLONE'S FAVORITE ICE CREAM IS?

ROCKY ROAD.

YOU LIKE THAT ONE, HUH?

UM, I'M ONE OF THOSE GUYS

WHO LIKES TO LISTEN TO BOOKS ON TAPE.

YOU'VE HEARD OF THESE?

THERE'S NOTHING LIKE SITTING IN YOUR OMEGA,

CRANKING THE BASS, LISTENING TO THE BOOKS ON TAPE.

CHICKS DIG IT.

GOOD STUFF.

I, UH...

TREVOR, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

GET OFF THE STAGE.

FUNNY GUY.

FUNNY TREVOR HERE.

NO. LEAVE.

HEY.

I KNOW THAT GUY.

YOU KNOW, I ATE THAT APPLE, MAN.

GAVE ME A STOMACH ACHE.

IT WAS A LOUSY DEAL.

WHY ARE YOU STILL IN COSTUME?

MAN, I GOTTA TELL YA, I, UH...

I'M REALLY NOT IN THE MOOD FOR JOKES TONIGHT,

SO, UH, HOW ABOUT I JUST TALK ABOUT MY DAY?

[LAUGHTER]

LET'S SEE, I, UH...

I LIT OFF SOME FIRECRACKERS.

I, UH, SMASHED SOME BOTTLES.

I STARTED SOMETHING ON FIRE.

I DON'T REMEMBER.

LET'S SEE. I GOT IN--

GOT INTO A FIGHT WITH A WOLFMAN.

HE WAS A HONUS.

IS IT "HONNIS"?

HONUS. WHATEVER.

UM, THEN I GOT THIS...

THIS NEIGHBOR THAT I MAY HAVE KILLED.

HE HAD IT COMING, THOUGH.

[LAUGHTER]

WHATEVER.

I'M NOT DOING JOKES TONIGHT.

NO, I COULDN'T STAND TO WATCH SPICER UP HERE.

MAN, 'CAUSE...

YOU GUYS DUG IT.

NOT ME. NO WAY.

GUY TELLS THE SAME JOKES EVERY NIGHT.

BUT, YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT JUST SPICER.

IT'S ALL OF US.

YOU KNOW, WE PRACTICE THIS JUNK IN FRONT OF A MIRROR.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?

JEEZ. WE TELL THE SAME, OLD, LOUSY JOKES EVERY NIGHT.

YOU KNOW, I WAS OUTSIDE TRYING TO BEG PEOPLE

TO COME INTO THIS COMEDY SHOW.

DID ANYBODY SEE ME OUT THERE EMBARRASSING MYSELF TONIGHT?

YEAH? OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

THERE YOU GO.

SEE, NOW, YOU WANT COMEDY,

YOU JUST STAND AND WATCH ME OUTSIDE

TRYING TO HAND PEOPLE A PIECE OF PAPER.

[LAUGHTER]

MM.

YEAH, IT'S--IT'S 15 BUCKS JUST TO GET THROUGH THE DOOR.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

I DON'T EVEN HAND OUT COUPONS.

I HAND OUT AN ADVERTISEMENT

THAT'S DISGUISED TO LOOK LIKE ONE.

CHECK THIS OUT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T EVEN HAVE A REAL JOB.

I DON'T WANT ONE.

SEE, I...

THINK THERE'S SOME PHONY,

HOT-SHOT BOOKING AGENT OUT THERE TONIGHT.

DICK YOBA? YOU HERE?

[LAUGHTER]

UH... THERE HE IS.

YES, I SEE HIM.

WHAT A NAME. DICK YOBA.

THE DUDE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW COMEDY.

HE PASSED ON BOBBY BITTMAN.

YOU BELIEVE THAT?

NOW DICK'S THE GUY

THAT BOOKED THE HEADLINING ACT HERE TONIGHT.

AND THAT GUY TELLS THE SAME JOKES NO MATTER WHERE HE IS.

WHETHER IT'S CLEVELAND, DES MOINES, SCHENECTADY,

WHEREVER, IT DOESN'T MATTER.

SAME STUFF.

AND MY LOUSY BOSS, CISCO,

SEE, HE SUPPLIES HIM WITH ALL THIS FLUFF MATERIAL.

SO IT'S GUARANTEED TO GET A LAUGH, YOU KNOW.

HE'LL PROBABLY TELL JOKES ABOUT THE NORTH SIDE.

DUDE'S NEVER EVEN BEEN TO THE NORTH SIDE.

HE'LL PROBABLY EVEN THROW IN THE OLD THREE-SEASONS BIT.

YOU KNOW, WINTER, SUMMER, CONSTRUCTION.

[LAUGHTER]

WHATEVER.

ANYWAY, THAT'S ALL I WANTED TO SAY.

BUT, UH, BEFORE I GO...

AND--YOU'LL KNOW THIS ONE.

BECAUSE I TRADED IT TO YOU.

YEAH, BUT I'M TAKING IT BACK.

WHAT'S FASTER, HOT OR COLD?

[MAN] I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S HOT.

BECAUSE YOU CAN CATCH A COLD.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[GROANS]

[GROANS]

UGH.

AAH!

[HORN HONKS]

[MAN] YOU SUCK!

[FAINT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[TIRES SCREECH, HORN HONKS]

♪♪