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1
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[man] Okay, ready, and...
2
00:00:21,813 --> 00:00:24,232
Take your own cue, Adam. And action, Dan!
3
00:00:24,315 --> 00:00:25,150
[piano plays]
4
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:39,873
♪ It was the perfect day ♪
5
00:00:40,915 --> 00:00:42,792
♪ You had the sweetest smile ♪
6
00:00:43,793 --> 00:00:45,712
♪ You were my only way ♪
7
00:00:46,212 --> 00:00:48,673
♪ Yeah, we were doing it in style ♪
8
00:00:49,591 --> 00:00:52,552
♪ We were walkin' and talkin'
And jammin' and jawin' ♪
9
00:00:52,635 --> 00:00:55,096
♪ It was you and me against the world ♪
10
00:00:55,513 --> 00:00:57,807
♪ Then you got hit by an electric car ♪
11
00:00:57,891 --> 00:00:59,851
♪ 'Cause you didn't hear it comin' ♪
12
00:01:00,852 --> 00:01:02,562
[laughter]
13
00:01:02,645 --> 00:01:03,480
[cheering]
14
00:01:03,563 --> 00:01:05,315
Fuck those cars. You should....
15
00:01:05,398 --> 00:01:06,941
[cheers and applause]
16
00:01:07,025 --> 00:01:09,194
I have one. I have an electric car.
17
00:01:09,277 --> 00:01:11,863
But at least I have the decency
when I'm driving,
18
00:01:11,946 --> 00:01:14,574
to put my head out the window and go,
"Here comes the Sandman."
19
00:01:14,657 --> 00:01:15,492
[laughter]
20
00:01:15,575 --> 00:01:17,243
"Sandman coming. Watch out."
21
00:01:18,203 --> 00:01:20,955
How about those Tesla's now
driving themselves?
22
00:01:21,039 --> 00:01:22,457
Those Teslas, that's pretty cool.
23
00:01:22,540 --> 00:01:24,542
They can drive themselves. Holy shit, man.
24
00:01:24,626 --> 00:01:27,754
I got in an accident with a Tesla
and nobody was in there,
25
00:01:27,837 --> 00:01:30,965
and I didn't know who to exchange
the information with...
26
00:01:31,049 --> 00:01:34,344
and I started screaming,
"Hey, you fucker. What the fuck?"
27
00:01:34,427 --> 00:01:38,056
And the Tesla's, you know, fucking
windshield wipers are flappin' about.
28
00:01:38,139 --> 00:01:40,391
And I was like, "What the fuck
does that mean? You did it."
29
00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:42,602
And its fucking lights
are going on and off.
30
00:01:42,685 --> 00:01:45,105
Like it's saying, "Okay. All right."
And, uh...
31
00:01:45,188 --> 00:01:46,439
Then we go to court
32
00:01:46,523 --> 00:01:49,067
and I'm like,
"I'm going to fucking destroy this thing."
33
00:01:49,150 --> 00:01:51,694
And then the Tesla shows up
in a neck brace,
34
00:01:51,778 --> 00:01:53,780
and I say, "Oh, give me a fucking break.
35
00:01:53,863 --> 00:01:56,324
What a liar. He's a fucking liar."
36
00:01:56,407 --> 00:01:57,700
[piano plays]
37
00:02:00,411 --> 00:02:02,580
♪ Oh, Grandma's roommate ♪
38
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:04,999
♪ Why do you talk so much? ♪
39
00:02:05,083 --> 00:02:06,084
[laughter]
40
00:02:06,167 --> 00:02:08,962
♪ Don't you know
I came to the nursing home ♪
41
00:02:09,045 --> 00:02:10,797
♪ To see my grandma ♪
42
00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:12,465
[laughter]
43
00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:14,300
♪ I just said hello ♪
44
00:02:15,635 --> 00:02:17,137
♪ To be polite ♪
45
00:02:17,220 --> 00:02:18,138
[laughter]
46
00:02:18,221 --> 00:02:20,932
♪ Now you're telling me
That my grandma was rude ♪
47
00:02:21,015 --> 00:02:22,475
♪ 'Cause she didn't share ♪
48
00:02:22,559 --> 00:02:25,186
♪ Her unsugared candy ♪
49
00:02:25,270 --> 00:02:26,813
[laughter]
50
00:02:26,896 --> 00:02:31,401
♪ Well, I guess that calls
For a death pillow over your face ♪
51
00:02:31,484 --> 00:02:33,069
[laughter]
52
00:02:34,237 --> 00:02:37,073
You ever go over to somebody's house
53
00:02:37,532 --> 00:02:38,616
and, uh...
54
00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:42,787
you ring the doorbell and the guy answers,
and he says, "Hey, take your shoes off"?
55
00:02:42,871 --> 00:02:44,664
And then you go, "Oh, God. Okay."
56
00:02:44,747 --> 00:02:46,541
And then he goes,
"Hey, take your socks off."
57
00:02:46,624 --> 00:02:48,084
And you're like,"Take my socks off?"
58
00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:51,212
And then he goes, "Roll up your pants."
You're like, "Roll my pants up?"
59
00:02:51,296 --> 00:02:53,756
He puts some grapes down,
and goes, "Start stomping the grapes."
60
00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:56,843
You're like, "What the fuck are we doing?"
He's like, "Making the wine!"
61
00:02:57,218 --> 00:02:58,761
"You make me the wine."
62
00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:00,054
[laughter]
63
00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:04,934
[guitar strums]
64
00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:06,352
♪ Oh, no ♪
65
00:03:06,811 --> 00:03:08,188
♪ Oh, no ♪
66
00:03:08,771 --> 00:03:11,733
♪ Oh, no, no, no, no, no ♪
67
00:03:12,275 --> 00:03:13,985
♪ Oh, no ♪
68
00:03:14,068 --> 00:03:15,445
♪ God no ♪
69
00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:18,907
♪ My mother's friend has a son
Who just moved to Hollywood ♪
70
00:03:18,990 --> 00:03:20,617
♪ And she asked me to help him ♪
71
00:03:20,700 --> 00:03:22,702
[laughter and applause]
72
00:03:22,785 --> 00:03:24,913
My wife's always putting lotion
on my face.
73
00:03:24,996 --> 00:03:27,749
Don't you put a lot of lotion
on your face out here in LA?
74
00:03:27,832 --> 00:03:31,044
My wife fucking
really lathers on the lotion.
75
00:03:31,127 --> 00:03:32,795
She always says she's looking out for me.
76
00:03:32,879 --> 00:03:35,924
She just puts a lot of lotion.
Like, there's too much.
77
00:03:36,007 --> 00:03:37,217
Doesn't rub it in either.
78
00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:39,761
She just puts it on my forehead,
my cheeks, my nose...
79
00:03:39,844 --> 00:03:41,804
Then I found out, before me,
80
00:03:41,888 --> 00:03:44,349
my wife used to date a lemon meringue pie.
81
00:03:44,432 --> 00:03:45,308
And I was like--
82
00:03:45,391 --> 00:03:46,267
[laughter]
83
00:03:46,351 --> 00:03:49,229
She still likes him. She still likes him.
I know she does.
84
00:03:49,312 --> 00:03:50,396
[piano plays]
85
00:03:51,147 --> 00:03:52,440
I don't give a shit.
86
00:03:52,523 --> 00:03:53,483
[laughter]
87
00:03:53,983 --> 00:03:56,402
♪ Daddy shaved his beard today ♪
88
00:03:57,570 --> 00:04:00,198
♪ Mustache and sideburns went away ♪
89
00:04:01,616 --> 00:04:03,493
♪ Daddy's lips are really small ♪
90
00:04:03,576 --> 00:04:05,328
♪ Doesn't have a chin at all ♪
91
00:04:05,411 --> 00:04:07,121
♪ Daddy made a big mistake ♪
92
00:04:07,205 --> 00:04:08,706
[laughter]
93
00:04:09,916 --> 00:04:11,167
My father used to shave--
94
00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:12,710
My dad had a beard,
95
00:04:12,794 --> 00:04:15,338
and then, literally, every ten years
would shave his beard.
96
00:04:15,421 --> 00:04:18,549
Like, didn't ask us, just fucking
came out of nowhere, shaved.
97
00:04:18,633 --> 00:04:21,219
It was-- Any time
my father shaved his beard,
98
00:04:21,302 --> 00:04:23,513
it was the only time
you saw him look vulnerable.
99
00:04:23,596 --> 00:04:25,974
When he first came out of the bathroom,
he was like...
100
00:04:26,057 --> 00:04:27,308
[laughter]
101
00:04:30,436 --> 00:04:33,564
I was like, "Dad has dimples?"
I didn't know Dad had dimples."
102
00:04:33,648 --> 00:04:34,774
[laughter]
103
00:04:36,943 --> 00:04:38,611
[imitates father] "It'll grow back."
104
00:04:39,195 --> 00:04:40,321
Why'd you do it?
105
00:04:41,739 --> 00:04:42,824
"I don't know.
106
00:04:42,907 --> 00:04:43,866
[laughter]
107
00:04:44,534 --> 00:04:45,618
It was...
108
00:04:46,411 --> 00:04:47,245
It was itchy."
109
00:04:47,870 --> 00:04:49,914
"It's been itchy for ten fucking years?"
110
00:04:49,998 --> 00:04:50,957
[laughter]
111
00:04:52,458 --> 00:04:55,670
I went to my friend's house
and he had a heated toilet seat.
112
00:04:56,254 --> 00:04:59,882
I sat on his heated toilet seat.
I've got to say it made you relax.
113
00:04:59,966 --> 00:05:02,176
I went a lot better than I usually go.
114
00:05:02,260 --> 00:05:05,179
I came out and said, "I like that heated
toilet seat. Where'd you get that?"
115
00:05:05,263 --> 00:05:07,056
He goes, "I don't have
a heated toilet seat."
116
00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:08,391
[laughter]
117
00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:12,020
You ever walking down the street
and you say hi to a baby?
118
00:05:12,478 --> 00:05:13,313
And, uh...
119
00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:16,607
And the baby goes...
[imitates baby speaking gibberish]
120
00:05:16,691 --> 00:05:18,609
And you're going, "Yeah, that's great."
121
00:05:18,693 --> 00:05:21,404
And then-- And the mother goes,
"He can say 'hi' back."
122
00:05:21,487 --> 00:05:24,324
And you go, "Oh, yeah?"
And the kid goes... [speaks gibberish]
123
00:05:24,407 --> 00:05:25,450
You go, "There it is."
124
00:05:25,533 --> 00:05:27,535
Then mother goes,
"No, he really can say it."
125
00:05:27,618 --> 00:05:30,288
And the kid goes... [speaks gibberish]
126
00:05:30,371 --> 00:05:32,123
And you go, "Hey, that was great."
127
00:05:32,206 --> 00:05:33,875
The mother goes,
"No, he really can say it."
128
00:05:33,958 --> 00:05:35,960
And the kid goes... [speaks gibberish]
129
00:05:36,044 --> 00:05:37,920
And you go,
"There it is. That was it, right?"
130
00:05:38,004 --> 00:05:40,423
And the mother's like,
"No! Say it. Say hi."
131
00:05:40,506 --> 00:05:42,258
And the kid's like... [speaks gibberish]
132
00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:45,470
And-- And then the mother's like,
"What the fuck? Say it!
133
00:05:45,553 --> 00:05:46,679
You said it earlier!"
134
00:05:46,763 --> 00:05:49,974
And the kid's like... [speaks gibberish]
135
00:05:50,058 --> 00:05:52,894
And you're like, "Hey, that was
a full sentence. That's better than 'Hi'."
136
00:05:52,977 --> 00:05:56,647
And the mother's like, "What the--?
I'm so mad at you, baby!"
137
00:05:56,731 --> 00:05:57,857
[laughter]
138
00:05:57,940 --> 00:06:01,027
And then she like hands you the baby
and is like, "I've got to walk this off.
139
00:06:01,110 --> 00:06:03,446
This is very discouraging for me.
140
00:06:03,905 --> 00:06:05,865
He said it earlier!"
141
00:06:05,948 --> 00:06:07,784
And you're holding the baby, like...
142
00:06:09,118 --> 00:06:11,621
"Say it. Go ahead and say it. Say, 'Hi'.
143
00:06:11,704 --> 00:06:13,790
Come on, you really upset your mother."
144
00:06:13,873 --> 00:06:15,416
And the kid's looking at you...
145
00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:18,711
And you're like, "Come on, get it out."
It's gonna make her feel better.
146
00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:22,548
And the kid's like... [speaks gibberish]
And you're like, "You can do it. Come on."
147
00:06:22,632 --> 00:06:26,177
And the kid's like...
[speaking gibberish softly]
148
00:06:27,887 --> 00:06:28,971
[whispers] "Help me.
149
00:06:29,055 --> 00:06:30,431
[laughter]
150
00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:34,102
She-- She...
151
00:06:34,685 --> 00:06:37,480
She won't let me get vaccinated."
152
00:06:37,563 --> 00:06:39,440
[laughter]
153
00:06:39,524 --> 00:06:41,984
Come on, there's no proof
that that's good or bad yet.
154
00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:43,027
[speaks gibberish]
155
00:06:43,111 --> 00:06:44,821
[raspy voice]
"I've been getting sick a lot."
156
00:06:44,904 --> 00:06:46,322
[laughter]
157
00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:48,116
[piano plays]
158
00:06:50,451 --> 00:06:52,912
♪ My hands are shaking ♪
159
00:06:52,995 --> 00:06:55,415
♪ My heart's beating fast ♪
160
00:06:55,498 --> 00:06:57,750
♪ I'm sweating through my cheap suit ♪
161
00:06:57,834 --> 00:07:00,211
♪ How much longer can it last? ♪
162
00:07:00,294 --> 00:07:02,880
♪ I'm an alcoholic lawyer ♪
163
00:07:02,964 --> 00:07:05,466
♪ Facing the trial of my life ♪
164
00:07:05,550 --> 00:07:07,844
♪ And I need to sober up quickly ♪
165
00:07:07,927 --> 00:07:10,263
♪ If I want to make things right ♪
166
00:07:10,346 --> 00:07:11,931
♪ Put the bottle down, son ♪
167
00:07:12,014 --> 00:07:12,849
[cheering]
168
00:07:12,932 --> 00:07:15,059
♪ There's an innocent man who needs you ♪
169
00:07:15,143 --> 00:07:17,228
♪ Put the bottle down, son ♪
170
00:07:17,311 --> 00:07:18,354
[cheering]
171
00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:20,773
♪ There's nothing left to fear ♪
172
00:07:21,566 --> 00:07:23,025
Wait, what day is it?
173
00:07:23,109 --> 00:07:24,402
[laughter]
174
00:07:24,485 --> 00:07:25,736
Shit.
175
00:07:25,820 --> 00:07:27,655
The trial was last week.
176
00:07:28,156 --> 00:07:29,699
And he got the chair?
177
00:07:29,782 --> 00:07:31,159
[laughter]
178
00:07:31,242 --> 00:07:36,539
♪ Well, let's have a few whiskey sours
In his memory ♪
179
00:07:37,165 --> 00:07:38,666
[cheers and applause]
180
00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:41,878
My wife and I,
we fool around pretty hardcore.
181
00:07:41,961 --> 00:07:43,463
We go at a pretty good. It's fun.
182
00:07:44,046 --> 00:07:47,467
You know, it's nice. We love each other,
and we fucking go pretty hard and...
183
00:07:47,550 --> 00:07:48,509
[laughter]
184
00:07:48,593 --> 00:07:51,846
It gets crazy.
It gets pretty fucking nuts in there
185
00:07:51,929 --> 00:07:53,514
because it's only me and her,
nobody else.
186
00:07:53,598 --> 00:07:55,892
So, we're like, "Let's fucking--
Let's do it all," you know?
187
00:07:55,975 --> 00:07:58,311
We do, uh-- We do have a safe word.
188
00:07:58,394 --> 00:07:59,312
It's, "Really?"
189
00:07:59,395 --> 00:08:00,646
[laughter]
190
00:08:02,398 --> 00:08:05,526
My whole life, I always wanted
to be able to do a flip.
191
00:08:05,610 --> 00:08:06,569
Wouldn't that be great?
192
00:08:06,652 --> 00:08:09,280
I was always growing up, going,
"Man, I've got to get a flip going.
193
00:08:09,363 --> 00:08:12,283
Everybody will love me
if I could just do a flip."
194
00:08:12,366 --> 00:08:14,785
Everybody would be like,
"Whoa, did you see the Sandman?
195
00:08:14,869 --> 00:08:16,370
He popped out a flip."
196
00:08:16,454 --> 00:08:19,457
I just wanted to be
in a fucking Marshalls or something,
197
00:08:19,540 --> 00:08:21,876
buying some cheap clothes
and going, "Hey, watch this."
198
00:08:21,959 --> 00:08:24,795
Pop a flip and have
the fucking lady at the cash register go,
199
00:08:24,879 --> 00:08:26,881
"Did you fucking see
that kid with the flip?"
200
00:08:26,964 --> 00:08:29,050
I'd be like. "Hey, I do it all the time."
201
00:08:29,133 --> 00:08:32,553
But I never got that one down, man.
I wish I did.
202
00:08:32,637 --> 00:08:35,348
Always I was like--
I didn't know how to fucking practice.
203
00:08:35,431 --> 00:08:36,599
That was the problem.
204
00:08:36,682 --> 00:08:41,062
I didn't know how to do my first try.
I would always get to right about here,
205
00:08:41,145 --> 00:08:43,231
and then go, "Ah, I don't know.
I'm gonna get hurt."
206
00:08:43,314 --> 00:08:46,192
And when I got older, I wanted to learn
how to speak fluent Italian too.
207
00:08:46,275 --> 00:08:47,777
And I did that. I mastered that.
208
00:08:47,860 --> 00:08:50,613
So, I'm in Italy,
and I meet the Pope himself,
209
00:08:50,696 --> 00:08:52,365
and in fluent Italian, I say to him,
210
00:08:52,448 --> 00:08:54,617
"Hey, I love what you've done
for the Church.
211
00:08:54,700 --> 00:08:56,827
I love what you you're doing
for the world.
212
00:08:56,911 --> 00:08:58,913
America says, 'Hello.'
213
00:08:58,996 --> 00:09:00,540
Um...
214
00:09:00,623 --> 00:09:02,166
Am I getting into heaven?"
215
00:09:02,250 --> 00:09:04,752
And in Italian he says,
"Can you do a flip?"
216
00:09:04,835 --> 00:09:07,713
And I was like, "Madonne!"
217
00:09:07,797 --> 00:09:08,839
[laughter]
218
00:09:09,340 --> 00:09:10,800
Shit.
219
00:09:10,883 --> 00:09:13,594
Did you ever have a friend
who rescues too many animals
220
00:09:13,678 --> 00:09:15,304
and, like, never can do anything?
221
00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:17,557
"Hey, you want to go out
in a couple days?"
222
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,642
"Ah, no, my chicken's eye fell out
223
00:09:19,725 --> 00:09:22,353
and I've got to paste it back on."
224
00:09:22,436 --> 00:09:24,272
"Oh, okay. That shouldn't take that long."
225
00:09:24,355 --> 00:09:27,108
"Well, one of the ducks,
she isn't quacking, so...
226
00:09:27,191 --> 00:09:28,192
[laughter]
227
00:09:28,276 --> 00:09:29,694
I've got to look-- [laughs]
228
00:09:29,777 --> 00:09:31,654
I've got to look into that."
229
00:09:36,534 --> 00:09:37,952
Okay. [laughs]
230
00:09:38,953 --> 00:09:39,954
Dling!
231
00:09:40,705 --> 00:09:42,456
By the way, I never met this man.
232
00:09:42,540 --> 00:09:43,624
[laughter]
233
00:09:45,084 --> 00:09:47,837
Uh, this one is
kind of a Bee Gee-esque tune.
234
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:49,964
Kind of a...
You like the Bee Gees out there?
235
00:09:50,047 --> 00:09:51,966
-I always liked the Bee Gees.
-[cheering]
236
00:09:52,049 --> 00:09:52,883
♪ Slow ♪
237
00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:54,468
-♪ Slow ♪
-♪ Slow ♪
238
00:09:54,552 --> 00:09:55,595
-♪ Slow ♪
-♪ Slow ♪
239
00:09:56,178 --> 00:09:57,430
♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪
240
00:09:57,513 --> 00:10:00,433
-♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪
-♪ Slow ♪
241
00:10:00,516 --> 00:10:01,851
-♪ Slow ♪
-[vocalizing]
242
00:10:01,934 --> 00:10:03,227
♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪
243
00:10:03,311 --> 00:10:05,062
♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪
244
00:10:05,146 --> 00:10:06,897
♪ Slow, slow ♪
245
00:10:06,981 --> 00:10:09,817
-♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪
-♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪
246
00:10:10,693 --> 00:10:13,404
-♪ Slow, slow ♪
-♪ Mr. Slow ♪
247
00:10:13,487 --> 00:10:16,991
-♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪
-♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪
248
00:10:17,908 --> 00:10:20,911
♪ I'm the slow motion man ♪
249
00:10:20,995 --> 00:10:22,663
♪ In the crosswalk ♪
250
00:10:22,747 --> 00:10:24,165
[laughter]
251
00:10:24,248 --> 00:10:27,835
♪ Walking just as slow as I can ♪
252
00:10:27,918 --> 00:10:29,003
[laughter]
253
00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:32,006
♪ Holding up the traffic ♪
254
00:10:32,089 --> 00:10:34,425
♪ As I walk across the street ♪
255
00:10:34,508 --> 00:10:35,551
[laughter]
256
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:37,720
♪ Hardly even seems ♪
257
00:10:37,803 --> 00:10:40,723
♪ Like I'm picking up my feet ♪
258
00:10:40,806 --> 00:10:45,686
♪ I'm the slow motion man
In the crosswalk ♪
259
00:10:45,770 --> 00:10:47,146
[laughter]
260
00:10:47,229 --> 00:10:51,067
♪ California laws will protect me ♪
261
00:10:51,150 --> 00:10:52,276
[laughter]
262
00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:53,402
[applause]
263
00:10:54,570 --> 00:10:57,531
♪ Then an earthquake hits ♪
264
00:10:57,615 --> 00:10:59,909
♪ And I fall deep in a crack ♪
265
00:11:00,576 --> 00:11:04,246
♪ And everybody cheers 'cause I'm dead ♪
266
00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:05,915
[laughter]
267
00:11:05,998 --> 00:11:08,167
♪ Slow, slow ♪
268
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:11,170
♪ Dying so slow ♪
269
00:11:11,253 --> 00:11:12,171
[laughter]
270
00:11:12,254 --> 00:11:13,881
-[cheers and applause]
-Thank you.
271
00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:18,427
♪ Come on, right ♪
272
00:11:18,928 --> 00:11:20,930
♪ That's right, feel that shit ♪
273
00:11:21,013 --> 00:11:22,765
♪ Unh, right ♪
274
00:11:22,848 --> 00:11:24,225
♪ Come on, Daddy ♪
275
00:11:24,809 --> 00:11:27,019
♪ Join in on this motherfucker
Would you? ♪
276
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:29,146
♪ Yeah, yeah-yeah, yeah ♪
277
00:11:29,230 --> 00:11:30,314
♪ So, let's go ♪
278
00:11:30,398 --> 00:11:32,191
♪ My Uber driver smells bad ♪
279
00:11:32,274 --> 00:11:33,818
♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪
280
00:11:33,901 --> 00:11:35,403
♪ Got a smelly Uber driver ♪
281
00:11:35,486 --> 00:11:36,904
♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪
282
00:11:36,987 --> 00:11:38,447
-♪ Yeah ♪
-♪ A smelly Uber driver ♪
283
00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:40,574
-♪ Yeah, that's right ♪
-♪ Got a smelly Uber driver ♪
284
00:11:40,658 --> 00:11:41,992
♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪
285
00:11:42,076 --> 00:11:43,494
♪ Got a smelly Uber driver ♪
286
00:11:43,577 --> 00:11:46,706
♪ He got a free water
If you want a drink drink ♪
287
00:11:46,789 --> 00:11:48,374
♪ You know, what else he got ♪
288
00:11:48,457 --> 00:11:49,875
♪ He got a stink stink ♪
289
00:11:49,959 --> 00:11:53,295
-♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪
-♪ God damn, what the fuck? ♪
290
00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:54,880
-♪ Got a smelly Uber driver ♪
-♪ Yeah ♪
291
00:11:54,964 --> 00:11:56,173
♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪
292
00:11:56,257 --> 00:11:57,800
♪ Right when I got inside ♪
293
00:11:57,883 --> 00:11:59,468
♪ I was like, "Uh-oh" ♪
294
00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:01,178
♪ This Honda Civic smells ♪
295
00:12:01,262 --> 00:12:02,930
♪ Just like a butthole ♪
296
00:12:03,013 --> 00:12:06,016
-♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪
-♪ What the fuck? Now, come on ♪
297
00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:07,977
-♪ Got a smelly Uber driver ♪
-♪ Locked window ♪
298
00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:09,061
♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪
299
00:12:09,145 --> 00:12:10,771
♪ He rock the Google Maps ♪
300
00:12:10,855 --> 00:12:12,106
♪ He rock the window tint ♪
301
00:12:12,189 --> 00:12:15,484
♪ One thing he doesn't rock
Is that deodorant ♪
302
00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:18,320
-♪ God damn, Speed Stick that shit ♪
-♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪
303
00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:20,573
-♪ What the fuck? Come on ♪
-♪ Got a smelly Uber driver ♪
304
00:12:20,656 --> 00:12:21,741
♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪
305
00:12:21,824 --> 00:12:23,617
♪ I need the iPhone charged ♪
306
00:12:23,701 --> 00:12:24,994
♪ I pass the cord back ♪
307
00:12:25,077 --> 00:12:26,746
♪ And when you take a bath ♪
308
00:12:26,829 --> 00:12:28,372
♪ Scrub the nutsack ♪
309
00:12:28,456 --> 00:12:30,291
-♪ Scrub your nutsack ♪
-♪ What the fuck? ♪
310
00:12:30,374 --> 00:12:32,334
-♪ Scrub your nutsack ♪
-♪ Common courtesy ♪
311
00:12:32,418 --> 00:12:34,420
♪ This shit got germs ♪
312
00:12:34,503 --> 00:12:36,464
♪ I can't believe the smell ♪
313
00:12:36,547 --> 00:12:37,798
♪ In these Uber cars ♪
314
00:12:37,882 --> 00:12:39,550
♪ Oh, wait, I shit my pants ♪
315
00:12:39,633 --> 00:12:41,385
♪ I'll give him five stars ♪
316
00:12:41,469 --> 00:12:42,636
♪ Give him five stars ♪
317
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:44,388
-♪ Damn ♪
-♪ Give him five stars ♪
318
00:12:44,472 --> 00:12:45,890
♪ Turns out the smell was me ♪
319
00:12:45,973 --> 00:12:47,725
♪ Better give him five stars ♪
320
00:12:47,808 --> 00:12:53,898
♪ Word up, motherfucker, yeah ♪
321
00:12:53,981 --> 00:12:55,024
[cheers and applause]
322
00:12:55,107 --> 00:12:56,066
[clears throat]
323
00:12:56,150 --> 00:12:56,984
Oh, yes.
324
00:12:57,067 --> 00:12:58,194
[piano plays]
325
00:12:58,277 --> 00:13:01,322
♪ Oh, cotton candy making me randy ♪
326
00:13:01,405 --> 00:13:03,032
-♪ Multicolored lolli-- ♪
-[music skips]
327
00:13:03,115 --> 00:13:05,326
-What the hell happened?
-I fucked it up.
328
00:13:05,409 --> 00:13:06,327
[piano plays]
329
00:13:06,410 --> 00:13:08,329
No! You don't just start over!
330
00:13:08,412 --> 00:13:10,539
You apologize to me!
331
00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:14,335
You don't just do that to the Sandman!
332
00:13:14,418 --> 00:13:15,461
[laughter]
333
00:13:16,253 --> 00:13:17,338
Okay.
334
00:13:17,421 --> 00:13:19,298
Let's start again. We'll cut around it.
335
00:13:19,381 --> 00:13:20,341
Not yet!
336
00:13:20,424 --> 00:13:21,509
[laughter]
337
00:13:21,592 --> 00:13:22,426
Hit it!
338
00:13:22,927 --> 00:13:24,303
-[piano plays]
-Hoo!
339
00:13:24,386 --> 00:13:26,013
Yes, yes, yes.
340
00:13:26,096 --> 00:13:28,933
♪ Oh, cotton candy making me randy ♪
341
00:13:29,016 --> 00:13:32,228
♪ Multicolor lollipop
Gobstopper never stop ♪
342
00:13:32,311 --> 00:13:33,562
♪ Red attire-- ♪
343
00:13:34,313 --> 00:13:35,856
I fucked up. All right, sorry.
344
00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:37,274
Fuck that shit!
345
00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:39,568
The Sandman don't fuck up.
346
00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:41,028
[laughter]
347
00:13:41,529 --> 00:13:43,447
Ooh, from the top.
348
00:13:43,531 --> 00:13:45,199
-[laughs]
-[piano plays]
349
00:13:46,951 --> 00:13:50,120
♪ Oh, cotton candy making me randy ♪
350
00:13:50,204 --> 00:13:53,207
♪ Multicolor lollipop
Gobstopper never stop ♪
351
00:13:53,290 --> 00:13:56,168
♪ Reese's Pieces, Charleston Chew
Butterfinger, Snickers too ♪
352
00:13:56,252 --> 00:13:57,837
♪ Red Atomic Fireball ♪
353
00:13:57,920 --> 00:13:59,421
♪ I want to eat them all ♪
354
00:13:59,505 --> 00:14:01,674
♪ Give me a green Jolly Rancher ♪
355
00:14:01,757 --> 00:14:02,716
Let me hear you.
356
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:04,885
[cheering]
357
00:14:04,969 --> 00:14:05,803
Let's go.
358
00:14:05,886 --> 00:14:07,012
[sings indistinctly]
359
00:14:07,096 --> 00:14:08,556
♪ Laffy Taffy, Lemonhead ♪
360
00:14:08,639 --> 00:14:10,099
♪ Cadbury Eggs will hatch ♪
361
00:14:10,182 --> 00:14:11,559
♪ Kids from the Sourpatch ♪
362
00:14:11,642 --> 00:14:13,060
♪ Milk Duds and Swedish Fish ♪
363
00:14:13,143 --> 00:14:14,687
♪ Gummy bears and licorice ♪
364
00:14:14,770 --> 00:14:17,648
♪ If you got a Kit Kat
I would like a taste of that ♪
365
00:14:17,731 --> 00:14:20,526
♪ The doctor says I got diabetes ♪
366
00:14:20,609 --> 00:14:22,486
[laughter]
367
00:14:22,570 --> 00:14:23,404
Thank you.
368
00:14:23,487 --> 00:14:26,365
Yeah, okay, we did that again. I think
that was better than the first time.
369
00:14:26,448 --> 00:14:28,492
Do you? Yes, yes. Absolutely.
370
00:14:28,576 --> 00:14:30,536
-[piano plays]
-Okay, here comes a song.
371
00:14:32,246 --> 00:14:33,122
More dancing.
372
00:14:33,205 --> 00:14:34,290
[cheering]
373
00:14:34,999 --> 00:14:38,210
♪ Yeah, let's hear you, Ohio ♪
374
00:14:38,294 --> 00:14:41,589
♪ Ohio ♪
375
00:14:41,672 --> 00:14:42,965
Yes, sir.
376
00:14:43,048 --> 00:14:44,884
Here we go, here we go, here we go.
377
00:14:45,551 --> 00:14:46,677
Should we clap along?
378
00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:48,304
[audience claps along]
379
00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:51,348
-All right, let's lose that. I hate it.
-[laughter]
380
00:14:51,432 --> 00:14:52,850
Sorry. [laughs]
381
00:14:52,933 --> 00:14:54,018
You were right on it.
382
00:14:54,101 --> 00:14:56,645
It's a thing of mine, man.
I don't fucking like that shit.
383
00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:58,022
It was startling me.
384
00:14:58,981 --> 00:15:02,818
♪ Well, we all know a guy
Who shaves his chest ♪
385
00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:06,238
♪ We all know a guy
Who wears a leather vest ♪
386
00:15:06,322 --> 00:15:10,701
♪ We all know a guy
Who knows a lot about coffee ♪
387
00:15:10,784 --> 00:15:12,411
[laughter]
388
00:15:13,203 --> 00:15:16,415
♪ We all know a stud
Who would fight anyone ♪
389
00:15:16,498 --> 00:15:20,169
♪ We all know a fool
Who wears his hair in a bun ♪
390
00:15:20,252 --> 00:15:21,587
♪ We all know a guy ♪
391
00:15:21,670 --> 00:15:24,506
♪ Who says he fucked his babysitter
When he was 12 ♪
392
00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:25,716
[laughter]
393
00:15:26,842 --> 00:15:30,387
♪ Yeah, we all know a guy
Who wears too much cologne ♪
394
00:15:30,971 --> 00:15:34,683
♪ We all know a guy
Who's better when he's stoned ♪
395
00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:38,562
♪ We all know a guy who hugs your wife
Five seconds too long ♪
396
00:15:38,646 --> 00:15:40,314
[audience laughs, clapping along]
397
00:15:41,106 --> 00:15:44,693
♪ Well, we all know a guy
Who's starting a band ♪
398
00:15:45,277 --> 00:15:48,113
♪ We all know a guy who's missing a hand ♪
399
00:15:48,822 --> 00:15:50,908
♪ We all know a guy who doesn't work ♪
400
00:15:50,991 --> 00:15:53,285
♪ But still goes twice a year to Ibiza ♪
401
00:15:53,369 --> 00:15:55,037
[laughter]
402
00:15:55,996 --> 00:15:59,500
♪ We all know a guy
Who said he almost went pro ♪
403
00:15:59,583 --> 00:16:03,128
♪ We all know a guy with a red afro ♪
404
00:16:03,212 --> 00:16:07,549
♪ We all know a guy who's dick color
Doesn't match his body ♪
405
00:16:07,633 --> 00:16:08,884
[laughter]
406
00:16:10,302 --> 00:16:13,430
♪ We all know a guy
Whose hair always looks wet ♪
407
00:16:14,014 --> 00:16:17,059
♪ We all know a guy with a pig as a pet ♪
408
00:16:17,601 --> 00:16:22,022
♪ We all know a guy who knows a guy
Who says he knows Guy Fieri ♪
409
00:16:22,106 --> 00:16:23,524
[laughter]
410
00:16:27,903 --> 00:16:31,949
♪ And we all know a guy
With weird allergies ♪
411
00:16:32,032 --> 00:16:35,202
♪ We all know a guy
Who sneezes in threes ♪
412
00:16:35,285 --> 00:16:37,204
♪ So how come we don't know ♪
413
00:16:37,287 --> 00:16:40,290
♪ Who my real father is? ♪
414
00:16:40,374 --> 00:16:41,792
[laughter]
415
00:16:41,875 --> 00:16:43,669
No!
416
00:16:44,378 --> 00:16:45,587
Thank you. Thank you.
417
00:16:45,671 --> 00:16:47,214
[cheers and applause]
418
00:16:48,924 --> 00:16:52,761
I'm a triple threat though. You didn't
know I could dance that fucking good.
419
00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:54,722
Took many lessons growing up, man.
420
00:16:56,015 --> 00:16:57,641
[laughter and cheering]
421
00:16:57,725 --> 00:16:59,476
The hula-- The hula hoop.
422
00:17:00,894 --> 00:17:03,313
Hula hoop, by the way,
is very horny looking.
423
00:17:03,397 --> 00:17:05,649
When I'm
at my fucking kids' birthday parties
424
00:17:05,733 --> 00:17:07,776
and some kid gives me a hula hoop
425
00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:10,571
and I'm doing it, I feel so fucking gross.
I'm going...
426
00:17:10,654 --> 00:17:12,156
[laughter]
427
00:17:12,239 --> 00:17:15,242
You see other parents like,
"What the fuck?"
428
00:17:15,325 --> 00:17:16,368
[laughter]
429
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:21,331
Do you ever play miniature golf
with your daughter
430
00:17:21,832 --> 00:17:23,667
and you're tied on the 18th hole?
431
00:17:23,751 --> 00:17:24,918
[laughter]
432
00:17:25,669 --> 00:17:28,297
And in the middle of her backswing,
433
00:17:28,380 --> 00:17:31,550
you just say, "Hey, I tea-bagged
your mother this morning."
434
00:17:31,633 --> 00:17:32,885
[laughter]
435
00:17:34,261 --> 00:17:35,262
And then--
436
00:17:35,345 --> 00:17:38,223
And then the kid sinks the putt
and goes, "Yeah, I know, I saw."
437
00:17:38,307 --> 00:17:39,767
[laughter]
438
00:17:39,850 --> 00:17:43,353
And you're like,
"This kid stays concentrated."
439
00:17:43,937 --> 00:17:46,648
She's fucking good. She's got focus.
She could be somebody.
440
00:17:46,732 --> 00:17:47,566
[piano plays]
441
00:17:47,649 --> 00:17:49,943
Are there married folks out there tonight?
442
00:17:50,027 --> 00:17:51,028
Married folks.
443
00:17:51,111 --> 00:17:54,073
-[cheering]
-I love it. Okay, this is for you guys.
444
00:17:56,033 --> 00:17:57,409
♪ You tell me I'm wrong ♪
445
00:17:57,868 --> 00:17:59,453
♪ But I know I'm right ♪
446
00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:01,997
♪ You say, "No fucking way" ♪
447
00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:04,083
♪ But I insist that I'm right ♪
448
00:18:04,666 --> 00:18:06,376
♪ So I pull out my phone ♪
449
00:18:07,044 --> 00:18:08,629
♪ And I look it up ♪
450
00:18:08,712 --> 00:18:10,214
[laughter]
451
00:18:10,297 --> 00:18:12,549
♪ I right away see I was wrong ♪
452
00:18:13,383 --> 00:18:15,594
♪ But I pretend I can't find the answer ♪
453
00:18:15,677 --> 00:18:17,012
[laughter]
454
00:18:19,139 --> 00:18:21,725
♪ So I fake like I'm still looking ♪
455
00:18:21,809 --> 00:18:23,977
♪ And you say, "So who's right?" ♪
456
00:18:24,061 --> 00:18:25,771
♪ I say, "My phone sucks" ♪
457
00:18:25,854 --> 00:18:28,190
♪ And blame AT&T reception ♪
458
00:18:28,273 --> 00:18:30,067
[laughter]
459
00:18:30,651 --> 00:18:32,361
♪ Then you start to look it up ♪
460
00:18:32,444 --> 00:18:36,448
♪ So I just grab your phone
And drop it into a glass of iced tea ♪
461
00:18:37,074 --> 00:18:38,450
[cheers and applause]
462
00:18:38,534 --> 00:18:39,409
Thank you.
463
00:18:39,493 --> 00:18:41,078
Marriage is good, guys.
464
00:18:41,161 --> 00:18:42,162
Marriage is good.
465
00:18:42,246 --> 00:18:43,997
You'll like it one day
if you're not married.
466
00:18:44,081 --> 00:18:46,750
You just got to keep it mysterious.
You got to keep the mystery alive.
467
00:18:46,834 --> 00:18:49,878
Like, my wife has no idea
where I go for weeks at a time.
468
00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:53,757
-It's fucking-- It's a big mystery.
-[man] You tell her where you are tonight?
469
00:18:53,841 --> 00:18:55,300
Yeah, she knows I'm here.
470
00:18:55,384 --> 00:18:56,552
My kids don't.
471
00:18:56,635 --> 00:18:58,720
I just said I was
going downstairs to get an apple.
472
00:18:58,804 --> 00:19:00,055
[laughter]
473
00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:00,973
[laughs]
474
00:19:02,015 --> 00:19:05,227
I always get these emails from
the kids' school that I've got to come in.
475
00:19:05,310 --> 00:19:06,895
"It's Terrific Tuesday...
476
00:19:07,521 --> 00:19:08,814
Make sure you come in."
477
00:19:08,897 --> 00:19:11,400
And you're like, Terrific--
What the fuck is Terrific Tuesday?
478
00:19:11,483 --> 00:19:12,901
Well, you come by the school
479
00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:14,945
and you tell the kids
how terrific they are.
480
00:19:15,028 --> 00:19:17,990
And I'm like, "Okay, Thirsty Thursday."
481
00:19:18,532 --> 00:19:20,325
It's Thirsty Thursday. Come by.
482
00:19:20,409 --> 00:19:23,120
You know, you help the kids
fill their water bottles.
483
00:19:23,203 --> 00:19:26,665
I'm like, my father
literally came to school
484
00:19:26,748 --> 00:19:29,626
one fucking time my whole school career.
485
00:19:30,502 --> 00:19:33,172
He opened the door
in the middle of a fucking test,
486
00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:35,632
and I hear, "Where'd you put the rake?
487
00:19:35,716 --> 00:19:36,633
[laughter]
488
00:19:36,717 --> 00:19:38,427
I'm like, "What?"
489
00:19:39,553 --> 00:19:40,804
"You put it on the nail?"
490
00:19:41,638 --> 00:19:43,265
-"I think I did."
-"You think?
491
00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:44,808
"It's not there."
492
00:19:44,892 --> 00:19:46,268
[laughter]
493
00:19:46,351 --> 00:19:48,228
-"Okay."
-"It's not okay."
494
00:19:50,397 --> 00:19:52,274
"I'll get it for you after school."
495
00:19:52,357 --> 00:19:53,901
"No, you'll get it now!"
496
00:19:53,984 --> 00:19:55,527
-[laughter]
-[piano plays]
497
00:19:55,611 --> 00:19:56,528
Okay, here we go.
498
00:19:58,363 --> 00:20:01,825
♪ One is a little guy hiding in a tree ♪
499
00:20:02,326 --> 00:20:05,495
♪ Two are together
And they're swimming out to sea ♪
500
00:20:05,579 --> 00:20:09,124
♪ Three on a Ferris wheel
Four at the zoo ♪
501
00:20:09,708 --> 00:20:11,043
♪ Five in my pocket ♪
502
00:20:11,126 --> 00:20:13,086
♪ Six in my shoe ♪
503
00:20:13,170 --> 00:20:14,922
♪ Seven on a mountain top ♪
504
00:20:15,005 --> 00:20:16,757
♪ Eight in a park ♪
505
00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:18,634
♪ Nine in a gondola ♪
506
00:20:18,717 --> 00:20:20,135
♪ Ten in the dark ♪
507
00:20:20,636 --> 00:20:22,304
♪ It's everywhere you go ♪
508
00:20:22,387 --> 00:20:23,764
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
509
00:20:24,348 --> 00:20:26,433
♪ Everywhere you'll find an anti-Semite ♪
510
00:20:27,017 --> 00:20:28,268
There he is!
511
00:20:28,352 --> 00:20:30,229
[cheering]
512
00:20:30,312 --> 00:20:31,730
[whistling]
513
00:20:31,813 --> 00:20:32,648
Joking.
514
00:20:32,731 --> 00:20:35,275
He's not. Leave him alone.
Get the fucking lights off of him.
515
00:20:35,359 --> 00:20:36,818
He seems like a decent man.
516
00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:37,736
[laughter]
517
00:20:37,819 --> 00:20:38,654
Sorry.
518
00:20:41,823 --> 00:20:43,408
♪ I am gonna read a book ♪
519
00:20:43,492 --> 00:20:45,369
♪ Read a book, read a book ♪
520
00:20:45,452 --> 00:20:47,120
♪ Gonna be a better man ♪
521
00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:49,248
♪ Better man than I am ♪
522
00:20:49,331 --> 00:20:51,124
♪ So I go to Amazon ♪
523
00:20:51,208 --> 00:20:53,043
♪ Amazon dot com ♪
524
00:20:53,126 --> 00:20:54,836
♪ And I buy a dozen books ♪
525
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:56,964
♪ Lots of books, smart books ♪
526
00:20:57,047 --> 00:20:58,840
♪ They will ship them right away ♪
527
00:20:58,924 --> 00:21:00,759
♪ Right away, in a day ♪
528
00:21:00,842 --> 00:21:02,552
♪ And I have Amazon Prime ♪
529
00:21:02,636 --> 00:21:04,721
♪ So it doesn't cost a dime ♪
530
00:21:04,805 --> 00:21:06,598
♪ So I look at my new book ♪
531
00:21:06,682 --> 00:21:08,392
♪ Take a look at my book ♪
532
00:21:08,475 --> 00:21:10,519
♪ Right away I tune out ♪
533
00:21:10,602 --> 00:21:12,521
♪ Don't like reading, get distracted ♪
534
00:21:12,604 --> 00:21:14,356
♪ So I turn on my TV ♪
535
00:21:14,439 --> 00:21:16,233
♪ TV good, reading bad ♪
536
00:21:16,316 --> 00:21:18,360
♪ And I watch Property Brothers ♪
537
00:21:18,443 --> 00:21:20,821
♪ For 11 fucking hours ♪
538
00:21:20,904 --> 00:21:22,406
[cheers and applause]
539
00:21:22,990 --> 00:21:23,949
Hello.
540
00:21:24,616 --> 00:21:25,450
You ever...
541
00:21:26,034 --> 00:21:27,619
How about the times you wake up...
542
00:21:27,703 --> 00:21:29,454
Ever wake up like 4:30 in the morning
543
00:21:29,538 --> 00:21:32,165
and you're like, "God damn it.
What am I doing up right now?"
544
00:21:32,249 --> 00:21:34,001
4:30, can't fall asleep...
545
00:21:34,084 --> 00:21:35,752
I'm fucking ruined for the day.
546
00:21:35,836 --> 00:21:38,630
Ever do one of those things where you go,
"Let me just get out of bed,"
547
00:21:38,714 --> 00:21:42,050
and live like those people who always go,
"Hey, I get up at 4:30 every day.
548
00:21:42,134 --> 00:21:43,844
I do that for me. That's me time.
549
00:21:43,927 --> 00:21:45,470
I spend the morning alone.
550
00:21:45,554 --> 00:21:48,807
That's my time and it's the best.
It sets me in the right mood."
551
00:21:48,890 --> 00:21:50,934
You're like, "Let me be
one of those fucking pricks.
552
00:21:51,018 --> 00:21:52,394
I'll get up at 4:30."
553
00:21:52,477 --> 00:21:55,105
And you get up at 4:30
and you make yourself breakfast.
554
00:21:55,188 --> 00:21:57,899
You're like, "Wow, this is good.
making breakfast. I never do that."
555
00:21:57,983 --> 00:21:59,151
And then you work out.
556
00:21:59,234 --> 00:22:00,986
You're like, "I'm working out this early.
557
00:22:01,069 --> 00:22:03,113
Holy shit. That's out of the way.
That's great."
558
00:22:03,196 --> 00:22:05,490
And then you have yourself
another breakfast.
559
00:22:05,574 --> 00:22:08,076
You're like,
"Okay, I'm running out of shit to do."
560
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:11,580
And then you flip on the news and you go,
"There's news before the news?
561
00:22:11,663 --> 00:22:13,040
Who the fuck are these people?
562
00:22:13,123 --> 00:22:15,584
They're very good.
They should be on the real news."
563
00:22:15,667 --> 00:22:18,170
Then you go outside
and you see a bird eating a worm.
564
00:22:18,253 --> 00:22:19,963
You're like,
"Is that the fucking early bird?
565
00:22:20,047 --> 00:22:22,883
I've been hearing about that thing
for a long time."
566
00:22:22,966 --> 00:22:24,343
There he is. Holy shit."
567
00:22:24,426 --> 00:22:26,553
Then a bus shows up,
and your kids get on it.
568
00:22:26,636 --> 00:22:29,931
You're like, "That's how they fucking
get to school. Nobody fucking told me...
569
00:22:30,015 --> 00:22:31,933
What a day. This is interesting."
570
00:22:32,517 --> 00:22:36,688
And then it's around 11 o'clock
and you're in the middle of a work meeting
571
00:22:36,772 --> 00:22:39,816
and you're like, "How long
is this fucking day gonna go for?
572
00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:41,526
Let me sleep!"
573
00:22:41,610 --> 00:22:42,694
[laughter]
574
00:22:43,528 --> 00:22:48,075
My wife's grandmother turned--
she turned 101 years old,
575
00:22:48,158 --> 00:22:50,494
which is nice, 101 years old.
576
00:22:50,577 --> 00:22:52,913
-[cheers and applause]
-That's good for the family,
577
00:22:52,996 --> 00:22:54,873
you know, good to have that
in your genes.
578
00:22:54,956 --> 00:22:56,583
My daughter's got that great life.
579
00:22:56,666 --> 00:22:58,543
My family, we fucking die...
580
00:22:58,627 --> 00:23:02,547
I should be dead is all I'm saying.
It makes no sense that I'm here right now.
581
00:23:02,631 --> 00:23:04,257
But 101 years old...
582
00:23:04,341 --> 00:23:07,928
I went to her birthday,
I gave her 101 punches in the shoulder...
583
00:23:08,637 --> 00:23:10,639
Just, she kept going, "Ooh."
584
00:23:10,722 --> 00:23:14,101
And I was saying, "It's tradition.
We can't break tradition, Grandma."
585
00:23:14,184 --> 00:23:16,728
She was like, "I want to break tradition."
586
00:23:16,812 --> 00:23:20,357
I was like, "Well, you can't.
So, just fucking deal with 94 more."
587
00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:22,109
And bam. "Oh!"
588
00:23:22,192 --> 00:23:23,402
[laughter]
589
00:23:24,611 --> 00:23:26,071
[keyboard plays]
590
00:23:45,757 --> 00:23:51,471
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
591
00:23:53,265 --> 00:23:59,187
♪ Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
592
00:24:01,606 --> 00:24:03,733
♪ Grandma died ♪
593
00:24:03,817 --> 00:24:05,986
♪ Grandma died ♪
594
00:24:06,069 --> 00:24:09,364
♪ Grandma died today ♪
595
00:24:09,948 --> 00:24:13,410
♪ How are we gonna tell the kids? ♪
596
00:24:14,077 --> 00:24:16,788
♪ Grandma died today ♪
597
00:24:16,872 --> 00:24:21,918
♪ I guess I'll go to a bingo game
And steal ♪
598
00:24:22,002 --> 00:24:25,046
♪ Somebody else's grandma ♪
599
00:24:25,630 --> 00:24:28,633
♪ And hope that my dumb kids ♪
600
00:24:28,717 --> 00:24:31,928
♪ Can't tell the difference ♪
601
00:24:33,305 --> 00:24:34,598
[laughs]
602
00:24:37,476 --> 00:24:40,020
What's going on?
You getting this camera all set?
603
00:24:40,103 --> 00:24:41,104
Don't get hurt.
604
00:24:41,188 --> 00:24:43,482
That's a heavy fucking piece of machinery.
605
00:24:43,565 --> 00:24:44,983
It's blocking you good.
606
00:24:45,066 --> 00:24:47,777
You okay? You got your beer.
That's a big fucking beer, man.
607
00:24:47,861 --> 00:24:48,695
[laughter]
608
00:24:48,778 --> 00:24:50,780
Way to go. You get loose.
609
00:24:50,864 --> 00:24:53,783
I dedicate this song
to the fucking drunk guy right there.
610
00:24:53,867 --> 00:24:54,701
[laughter]
611
00:24:54,784 --> 00:24:55,744
[cheers and applause]
612
00:24:55,827 --> 00:24:57,287
Here we go.
613
00:24:57,370 --> 00:24:58,538
[rock music plays]
614
00:25:00,665 --> 00:25:01,500
Yeah.
615
00:25:04,002 --> 00:25:05,253
Shoop!
616
00:25:05,337 --> 00:25:06,421
[cheering]
617
00:25:08,924 --> 00:25:10,217
[woman] I love you!
618
00:25:12,135 --> 00:25:14,471
♪ I am a grown man ♪
619
00:25:14,554 --> 00:25:15,639
[laughter]
620
00:25:15,722 --> 00:25:18,642
♪ Pissing in the shower in my house ♪
621
00:25:19,184 --> 00:25:22,145
♪ Yes, I am a grown man ♪
622
00:25:23,188 --> 00:25:26,066
♪ Pissing in the shower in my house ♪
623
00:25:26,858 --> 00:25:29,569
♪ I have no respect for my family ♪
624
00:25:30,445 --> 00:25:33,532
♪ My kids will take a bath in here today ♪
625
00:25:34,115 --> 00:25:36,993
♪ I know I should go to the toilet ♪
626
00:25:37,786 --> 00:25:39,704
♪ But the toilet is too far ♪
627
00:25:39,788 --> 00:25:42,499
♪ The toilet is too far away ♪
628
00:25:42,582 --> 00:25:43,833
[cheers and applause]
629
00:25:44,834 --> 00:25:46,836
♪ I said the toilet is too far ♪
630
00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:49,047
♪ The toilet is too far ♪
631
00:25:49,130 --> 00:25:51,258
♪ Once when I was drunk, I... ♪
632
00:25:52,300 --> 00:25:54,469
♪ Took a piss in the kitchen sink ♪
633
00:25:54,553 --> 00:25:55,595
[laughter]
634
00:25:56,179 --> 00:25:58,390
♪ But I prefer the shower ♪
635
00:25:59,432 --> 00:26:02,143
♪ My wife's loofah is starting to stink ♪
636
00:26:02,227 --> 00:26:03,270
[laughter]
637
00:26:03,353 --> 00:26:06,064
♪ When my kids go to school
In the morning ♪
638
00:26:07,148 --> 00:26:09,818
♪ They smell
Like they're soaking in piss ♪
639
00:26:09,901 --> 00:26:10,735
[laughter]
640
00:26:10,819 --> 00:26:12,779
♪ Sometimes before I shower ♪
641
00:26:12,862 --> 00:26:14,489
[man] ♪ Sometimes before I shower ♪
642
00:26:14,573 --> 00:26:16,866
♪ I eat some asparagus ♪
643
00:26:16,950 --> 00:26:18,159
[laughter]
644
00:26:18,743 --> 00:26:20,203
♪ I am an animal ♪
645
00:26:22,330 --> 00:26:24,249
♪ I am a destroyer ♪
646
00:26:24,332 --> 00:26:25,250
[cheering]
647
00:26:25,333 --> 00:26:27,836
♪ They caught me pissing
In my neighbor's pool ♪
648
00:26:27,919 --> 00:26:29,045
[laughter]
649
00:26:29,129 --> 00:26:32,215
♪ And now I have to get a lawyer ♪
650
00:26:32,299 --> 00:26:34,384
♪ It was worth it ♪
651
00:26:34,467 --> 00:26:35,760
[cheering]
652
00:26:35,844 --> 00:26:36,928
Thank you!
653
00:26:38,179 --> 00:26:39,764
That was fun.
654
00:26:42,309 --> 00:26:45,312
Are you ever wiping yourself,
uh, back there...
655
00:26:45,395 --> 00:26:48,148
You're wiping up pretty good,
and then you keep wiping.
656
00:26:48,231 --> 00:26:50,358
And then you've really--
you've got to keep wiping.
657
00:26:50,442 --> 00:26:52,819
And you wipe again,
and then you wipe another one.
658
00:26:52,902 --> 00:26:54,029
Then you go, "You know what?
659
00:26:54,112 --> 00:26:56,906
Just out of principal,
I'm stopping after this next one.
660
00:26:56,990 --> 00:26:58,366
It's fucking enough already.
661
00:26:58,450 --> 00:27:01,161
I don't care if I'm done or not.
This is fucking killing me.
662
00:27:01,244 --> 00:27:02,370
[laughter]
663
00:27:02,454 --> 00:27:03,955
Whatever happens happens.
664
00:27:04,623 --> 00:27:06,291
Get me the fuck out of here.
665
00:27:06,374 --> 00:27:07,334
[laughter]
666
00:27:09,336 --> 00:27:11,796
I did my first dick pic, everybody.
667
00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:12,714
[cheering]
668
00:27:12,797 --> 00:27:13,798
Thank you.
669
00:27:14,507 --> 00:27:16,801
A dick pick is...
that's a weird thing to do.
670
00:27:16,885 --> 00:27:20,013
There's no reason for me to do it.
I'm fucking married.
671
00:27:20,096 --> 00:27:23,099
But all my friends are doing them,
so I'm like, "What the fuck, let me just--
672
00:27:23,183 --> 00:27:25,143
at least I can be part of the conversation
673
00:27:25,226 --> 00:27:26,853
when they're talking
about their dick pics.
674
00:27:26,936 --> 00:27:28,772
I can go, "Oh, yes, definitely."
You know?
675
00:27:28,855 --> 00:27:29,939
[laughter]
676
00:27:30,023 --> 00:27:32,525
So, I do my first dick pick.
677
00:27:33,026 --> 00:27:34,402
I look back at it.
678
00:27:34,486 --> 00:27:36,696
There's a ghost in the background.
679
00:27:36,780 --> 00:27:39,074
So there's a ghost in the image,
680
00:27:39,157 --> 00:27:41,743
and I'm like,
"I live in fucking haunted house?"
681
00:27:41,826 --> 00:27:44,120
I had no idea. I want to show everybody...
682
00:27:44,621 --> 00:27:45,872
'cause...
683
00:27:45,955 --> 00:27:47,916
what are the chances of catching that?
684
00:27:48,667 --> 00:27:50,835
But my dick doesn't look...
685
00:27:51,419 --> 00:27:54,339
as good as I want it to look in the image.
686
00:27:54,422 --> 00:27:57,550
Plus, you know,
the fucking ghost was really tall,
687
00:27:57,634 --> 00:28:00,470
so he made my dick not look... exact.
688
00:28:00,553 --> 00:28:04,641
Plus the fucking ghost was holding a ruler
next to my dick.
689
00:28:04,724 --> 00:28:07,060
I was like, "What the fuck
is your problem?" to the ghost.
690
00:28:07,143 --> 00:28:08,061
He was like...
691
00:28:08,144 --> 00:28:10,647
The ghost was like,
"I live here too. I like to have fun."
692
00:28:10,730 --> 00:28:11,690
[laughter]
693
00:28:11,773 --> 00:28:15,110
All right, I'm gonna play guitar
a little bit for you.
694
00:28:15,193 --> 00:28:16,945
[electric guitar plays]
695
00:28:17,028 --> 00:28:19,239
[cheering]
696
00:28:31,793 --> 00:28:34,754
♪ My kid's only got one line in a play ♪
697
00:28:34,838 --> 00:28:37,632
♪ My kid's only got one line in a play ♪
698
00:28:38,133 --> 00:28:40,760
♪ My kid's only got one line in a play ♪
699
00:28:40,844 --> 00:28:43,763
♪ My kid's only got one line in a play ♪
700
00:28:43,847 --> 00:28:45,640
♪ And yet, the fact is ♪
701
00:28:46,516 --> 00:28:48,977
♪ We still gotta practice ♪
702
00:28:49,060 --> 00:28:50,145
♪ Every day ♪
703
00:28:50,228 --> 00:28:53,231
♪ Oh, no, my kid's only got
One line in a play ♪
704
00:28:53,314 --> 00:28:56,526
♪ My-my-my kid's only got
One line in a play ♪
705
00:28:56,609 --> 00:28:59,487
♪ The dumb teacher
Gave the big parts away ♪
706
00:28:59,571 --> 00:29:02,532
♪ Oh, no, my kid's only got
One line in a play ♪
707
00:29:02,615 --> 00:29:04,868
♪ It's in the first five minutes ♪
708
00:29:04,951 --> 00:29:05,952
[laughter]
709
00:29:06,035 --> 00:29:08,997
♪ But my wife says
We still gotta stay the whole way ♪
710
00:29:09,080 --> 00:29:12,584
♪ Fuck no
My kid's only got one line in a play ♪
711
00:29:12,667 --> 00:29:15,795
♪ As soon as my wife looks the other way ♪
712
00:29:15,879 --> 00:29:18,465
♪ I phone in a bomb scare
And I call it a day ♪
713
00:29:18,548 --> 00:29:21,718
♪ Because my kid's only got
One line in a play ♪
714
00:29:21,801 --> 00:29:23,303
♪ And she got it wrong ♪
715
00:29:23,386 --> 00:29:24,596
[laughter]
716
00:29:26,514 --> 00:29:27,849
[cheers and applause]
717
00:29:29,934 --> 00:29:34,355
You love your kids more than anything
on the planet until like 9:30 at night.
718
00:29:34,439 --> 00:29:36,691
And then you're like,
"Okay... that's enough.
719
00:29:36,775 --> 00:29:38,026
[laughter]
720
00:29:38,109 --> 00:29:40,904
I loved you all day long.
Just give me a little break.
721
00:29:41,404 --> 00:29:43,364
I answered all your crazy questions.
722
00:29:43,448 --> 00:29:45,575
I don't even know.... I know nothing.
723
00:29:45,658 --> 00:29:48,620
That does not fucking help
when you have to answer your kid.
724
00:29:48,703 --> 00:29:50,955
I've got to make up every goddamn answer.
725
00:29:51,039 --> 00:29:52,415
"Are whales smart, Daddy?"
726
00:29:52,499 --> 00:29:55,919
"Well, you know, they're more street smart
than book smart, but..."
727
00:29:56,002 --> 00:29:58,797
I don't fucking know anything
about whales.
728
00:29:59,422 --> 00:30:02,258
My daughter plays basketball,
my nine year old.
729
00:30:02,342 --> 00:30:05,512
So, I go and see her play basketball,
and she's a sweetheart of a kid.
730
00:30:05,595 --> 00:30:08,515
And every time they put the kid
in the game, I get so excited.
731
00:30:08,598 --> 00:30:10,266
I take my video camera out,
732
00:30:10,350 --> 00:30:12,602
and I fucking video everything she does.
733
00:30:12,685 --> 00:30:16,022
And so, a couple Sundays ago,
I'm videoing my daughter
734
00:30:16,105 --> 00:30:17,273
and another dad goes,
735
00:30:17,357 --> 00:30:19,818
"Hey, can you email me that
when you're done?"
736
00:30:19,901 --> 00:30:21,528
And I go, "Yeah, absolutely, dude.
737
00:30:21,611 --> 00:30:24,239
And then I'm videoing my kid
and then I remembered.
738
00:30:24,322 --> 00:30:28,159
Actually, when I video my kid,
I say a lot of things, and...
739
00:30:28,243 --> 00:30:31,621
It's always not stuff
I want other people to hear.
740
00:30:31,704 --> 00:30:34,582
And I'm always like,
"Okay, you got it, you little cutie.
741
00:30:34,666 --> 00:30:37,335
You've got the ball. You're so good.
Look how good you are.
742
00:30:37,418 --> 00:30:40,505
You take the ball. Pass it to my kid.
Somebody pass it to my kid.
743
00:30:40,588 --> 00:30:43,049
I'll get a break your fucking neck,
I swear to God.
744
00:30:43,132 --> 00:30:46,261
Give that fucking ball to my fucking kid.
You all suck out there."
745
00:30:46,344 --> 00:30:50,473
And I was like, "I better not
email that to that man there.
746
00:30:50,557 --> 00:30:54,143
So I just emailed him
the ghost/dick pic thing.
747
00:30:54,227 --> 00:30:56,563
The guy was like,
"What the fuck's with the ruler?"
748
00:30:56,646 --> 00:31:00,275
I go, "Yeah, the ghost was an asshole.
Fuck that guy."
749
00:31:00,358 --> 00:31:01,234
"I'm with you."
750
00:31:01,734 --> 00:31:03,653
My little sweet daughter...
751
00:31:03,736 --> 00:31:04,821
the sixth grader,
752
00:31:04,904 --> 00:31:06,990
she comes back from school
and she's like,
753
00:31:07,073 --> 00:31:09,659
"All the boys keep saying,
'That's what she said...'
754
00:31:09,742 --> 00:31:11,244
and then they all laugh."
755
00:31:11,327 --> 00:31:13,830
-"Why Daddy?"
-And I was like, "Oh, boy."
756
00:31:13,913 --> 00:31:16,666
"Yeah, it seems like anything I say,
757
00:31:16,749 --> 00:31:18,918
they say, 'That's what she said.'
758
00:31:19,002 --> 00:31:22,255
They look at each other,
and they just laugh and laugh.
759
00:31:22,338 --> 00:31:25,174
And I'm confused. Help me Dad-da."
760
00:31:25,258 --> 00:31:28,428
And so, I'm like, "Okay,
how do I explain this to her?"
761
00:31:28,511 --> 00:31:31,681
And I'm trying to just figure out,
you know, the right way to do it,
762
00:31:31,764 --> 00:31:33,850
in a clean way, no cursing.
763
00:31:33,933 --> 00:31:36,603
And I'm just going,
"Uh-- uh-- uh-- uh, well, it's a..."
764
00:31:36,686 --> 00:31:37,854
And then my kid goes,
765
00:31:37,937 --> 00:31:40,148
"That's okay, Daddy. You tried your best."
766
00:31:40,231 --> 00:31:41,608
[laughter]
767
00:31:41,691 --> 00:31:43,985
And I was like,"That's what she said."
768
00:31:44,068 --> 00:31:45,778
[laughter]
769
00:31:46,571 --> 00:31:47,697
All right, let's do this.
770
00:31:47,780 --> 00:31:49,282
[piano plays]
771
00:31:49,365 --> 00:31:51,993
That's not true. None of that--
None of this fucking story...
772
00:31:52,076 --> 00:31:53,912
All this is a lie. All right.
773
00:31:53,995 --> 00:31:54,913
[laughter]
774
00:31:55,496 --> 00:31:56,623
[laughs]
775
00:31:56,706 --> 00:31:58,791
♪ I'll take the large, please ♪
776
00:31:58,875 --> 00:32:00,919
♪ Can't believe my eyes ♪
777
00:32:01,002 --> 00:32:04,380
♪ Sprinkles and fudge
And a smelly surprise ♪
778
00:32:04,464 --> 00:32:07,926
♪ Oh, ice cream lady ♪
779
00:32:08,009 --> 00:32:10,637
♪ Thank you for letting me
Eat your pussy ♪
780
00:32:11,137 --> 00:32:12,347
[laughter]
781
00:32:12,430 --> 00:32:14,015
[laughs]
782
00:32:14,098 --> 00:32:15,391
-Come on.
-[cheering]
783
00:32:15,475 --> 00:32:19,479
You know you would fucking go
to that ice cream place all the time.
784
00:32:21,105 --> 00:32:22,607
[Sandler] Oh, Sandman.
785
00:32:22,690 --> 00:32:24,901
That's too much.
786
00:32:24,984 --> 00:32:26,319
-[piano plays]
-Okay.
787
00:32:28,529 --> 00:32:29,530
Just getting ready.
788
00:32:30,990 --> 00:32:33,660
♪ The pilot had a heart attack ♪
789
00:32:34,285 --> 00:32:36,621
♪ The co-pilot can't be found ♪
790
00:32:37,372 --> 00:32:40,083
♪ The people in the aisles are screaming ♪
791
00:32:40,166 --> 00:32:43,044
♪ They know the plane's going down ♪
792
00:32:43,127 --> 00:32:45,922
♪ We need a hero, someone to save us ♪
793
00:32:46,005 --> 00:32:49,175
♪ We need a hero to land the plane ♪
794
00:32:49,258 --> 00:32:51,552
♪ We need a hero who's going to do it ♪
795
00:32:52,303 --> 00:32:55,056
♪ We need a hero to save the day ♪
796
00:32:55,139 --> 00:32:58,476
♪ So I jump to my feet and I volunteer ♪
797
00:32:58,559 --> 00:33:01,479
♪ The people on the plane
All start to cheer ♪
798
00:33:01,562 --> 00:33:04,399
♪ I get a high-five from a baby ♪
799
00:33:04,899 --> 00:33:07,694
♪ And a hickey from a flight attendant ♪
800
00:33:07,777 --> 00:33:11,030
♪ So I go in the cockpit
Put the headset on ♪
801
00:33:11,114 --> 00:33:13,908
♪ And grab the main control ♪
802
00:33:13,992 --> 00:33:16,285
♪ Then right away I crash the plane ♪
803
00:33:16,369 --> 00:33:18,204
♪ Because I don't know what I'm doing ♪
804
00:33:18,287 --> 00:33:19,122
[laughter]
805
00:33:19,205 --> 00:33:21,124
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
806
00:33:21,207 --> 00:33:22,375
[applause]
807
00:33:23,543 --> 00:33:24,460
Yeah.
808
00:33:27,630 --> 00:33:28,506
Thank you.
809
00:33:29,841 --> 00:33:31,175
[piano plays]
810
00:33:31,718 --> 00:33:34,387
♪ We're on a runaway train ♪
811
00:33:34,929 --> 00:33:37,890
♪ The conductor had a meltdown ♪
812
00:33:37,974 --> 00:33:40,935
♪ The people in the dining car ♪
813
00:33:41,019 --> 00:33:43,855
♪ Are screaming really, really loud ♪
814
00:33:43,938 --> 00:33:46,607
♪ We need a hero, someone to save us ♪
815
00:33:46,691 --> 00:33:50,069
♪ Yeah, we need a hero
To bring us through the danger ♪
816
00:33:50,153 --> 00:33:52,905
♪ We need a hero, somebody competent ♪
817
00:33:52,989 --> 00:33:56,075
♪ We need a hero to save the day, yeah ♪
818
00:33:56,159 --> 00:33:59,037
♪ So I put the engineer's hat
On the top of my head ♪
819
00:33:59,620 --> 00:34:02,582
♪ The people go fucking crazy ♪
820
00:34:02,665 --> 00:34:05,460
♪ A guy says, "You're the man, man" ♪
821
00:34:05,543 --> 00:34:08,629
♪ And a deaf woman signs
"Go get 'em" ♪
822
00:34:08,713 --> 00:34:11,924
♪ Then I go to the cab
And I toot the whistle ♪
823
00:34:12,008 --> 00:34:14,761
♪ That's something I always wanted to do ♪
824
00:34:14,844 --> 00:34:16,929
♪ Then right away we fly off the bridge ♪
825
00:34:17,013 --> 00:34:18,890
♪ Because I don't know what I'm doing ♪
826
00:34:18,973 --> 00:34:19,807
[laughter]
827
00:34:19,891 --> 00:34:21,309
Thank you. Thank you.
828
00:34:21,392 --> 00:34:22,518
[applause]
829
00:34:23,269 --> 00:34:24,228
Thank you.
830
00:34:27,315 --> 00:34:28,274
Ahh.
831
00:34:31,527 --> 00:34:34,781
♪ We're in a nice family restaurant ♪
832
00:34:34,864 --> 00:34:38,117
♪ Somebody's grandma's choking
On a lamb chop ♪
833
00:34:39,660 --> 00:34:42,872
♪ There's panic in the air
As Nana's face turns blue ♪
834
00:34:42,955 --> 00:34:45,625
♪ The busboy screams in Spanish
"What the fuck do we do?" ♪
835
00:34:45,708 --> 00:34:48,294
♪ We need a hero who's gonna do it ♪
836
00:34:49,045 --> 00:34:51,798
♪ We need a hero
To clean out her windpipe ♪
837
00:34:51,881 --> 00:34:54,884
♪ We need a hero
Who's down with Heimlich ♪
838
00:34:54,967 --> 00:34:58,137
♪ We need a hero to save the day, yeah ♪
839
00:34:58,221 --> 00:35:00,681
♪ So I slap my napkin down on the table ♪
840
00:35:01,265 --> 00:35:04,143
♪ And I get a fucking standing ovation ♪
841
00:35:04,811 --> 00:35:07,772
♪ Another guy gets up
And says he's a doctor ♪
842
00:35:07,855 --> 00:35:10,858
♪ I say, "Sit the fuck down
I got this shit" ♪
843
00:35:10,942 --> 00:35:13,820
♪ Then I wrap my arms
Around Grandma's chest ♪
844
00:35:13,903 --> 00:35:16,989
♪ And I look her grandkids
Deep in the eyes ♪
845
00:35:17,073 --> 00:35:18,407
♪ Then right away... ♪
846
00:35:18,491 --> 00:35:20,284
[laughs]
847
00:35:20,368 --> 00:35:22,453
♪ Then right away I break all her ribs ♪
848
00:35:22,537 --> 00:35:24,997
♪ Because I don't know what I'm doing ♪
849
00:35:25,081 --> 00:35:25,998
Grandma!
850
00:35:26,082 --> 00:35:27,291
[cheers and applause]
851
00:35:29,710 --> 00:35:30,962
What the fuck was that?
852
00:35:33,089 --> 00:35:34,173
After every joke...
853
00:35:34,257 --> 00:35:35,383
[plays guitar]
854
00:35:37,426 --> 00:35:39,178
This is one that we don't play that much
855
00:35:39,262 --> 00:35:41,806
But, uh--
but I figured it's fucking Jersey.
856
00:35:41,889 --> 00:35:44,350
I think you guys might enjoy this.
So here we go.
857
00:35:44,433 --> 00:35:45,768
[cheers and applause]
858
00:35:56,404 --> 00:35:58,447
♪ Thirteenth birthday ♪
859
00:35:58,531 --> 00:36:00,116
♪ People come from far away ♪
860
00:36:00,199 --> 00:36:01,993
♪ Aunts and uncles show up ♪
861
00:36:02,076 --> 00:36:04,036
♪ I brush my fro up ♪
862
00:36:04,120 --> 00:36:05,538
♪ Feeling skittish ♪
863
00:36:05,621 --> 00:36:07,456
♪ People speaking Yiddish ♪
864
00:36:07,540 --> 00:36:09,292
♪ Buy a freaky suit and tie ♪
865
00:36:09,375 --> 00:36:11,085
♪ Tailor's hanging on my thigh ♪
866
00:36:11,169 --> 00:36:12,879
♪ Practice for the whole year ♪
867
00:36:12,962 --> 00:36:14,672
♪ Paralyzed with fear ♪
868
00:36:14,755 --> 00:36:16,465
♪ Hebrew flash cards on my walls ♪
869
00:36:16,549 --> 00:36:18,634
♪ Voice is changing, dropped my balls ♪
870
00:36:18,718 --> 00:36:20,052
♪ Dad's mad at the cost ♪
871
00:36:20,136 --> 00:36:21,888
♪ Too bad Mom's the boss ♪
872
00:36:21,971 --> 00:36:23,681
♪ Grandmas are full of joy ♪
873
00:36:24,265 --> 00:36:27,185
♪ For the Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
874
00:36:27,268 --> 00:36:28,519
[man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
875
00:36:28,603 --> 00:36:30,771
♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
876
00:36:30,855 --> 00:36:32,064
[man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
877
00:36:32,148 --> 00:36:34,483
♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
878
00:36:34,567 --> 00:36:35,902
[man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
879
00:36:35,985 --> 00:36:38,070
♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
880
00:36:38,154 --> 00:36:39,405
[man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
881
00:36:39,488 --> 00:36:41,866
♪ Okay, up on the podium ♪
882
00:36:41,949 --> 00:36:43,743
♪ I'm staring out at everyone ♪
883
00:36:43,826 --> 00:36:45,578
♪ Can't remember how it goes ♪
884
00:36:45,661 --> 00:36:47,538
♪ Whistle from my rabbi's nose ♪
885
00:36:47,622 --> 00:36:49,165
♪ Oh, man, this is it ♪
886
00:36:49,248 --> 00:36:50,875
♪ Make up some crazy shit ♪
887
00:36:50,958 --> 00:36:52,793
♪ Baruch atah, a cha-cha-cha ♪
888
00:36:52,877 --> 00:36:54,545
♪ Everybody says, "Good job" ♪
889
00:36:54,629 --> 00:36:56,464
♪ Now I'm done, sweet relief ♪
890
00:36:56,547 --> 00:36:58,382
♪ Lipstick on Mama's teeth ♪
891
00:36:58,466 --> 00:37:00,134
♪ Catholic friends all ask me this ♪
892
00:37:00,218 --> 00:37:01,969
♪ "What the fuck is a knish?" ♪
893
00:37:02,053 --> 00:37:03,721
♪ Kids are all coming in ♪
894
00:37:03,804 --> 00:37:05,514
♪ Checks and bonds and fountain pens ♪
895
00:37:05,598 --> 00:37:07,308
♪ Make a bank deposit ♪
896
00:37:07,391 --> 00:37:09,268
♪ Make out in the closet ♪
897
00:37:09,352 --> 00:37:12,647
♪ He's the Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
898
00:37:12,730 --> 00:37:13,940
[man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
899
00:37:14,023 --> 00:37:16,192
♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
900
00:37:16,275 --> 00:37:17,652
[man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
901
00:37:17,735 --> 00:37:19,654
♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
902
00:37:19,737 --> 00:37:21,113
♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
903
00:37:21,197 --> 00:37:23,366
♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
904
00:37:23,449 --> 00:37:24,825
[man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
905
00:37:25,409 --> 00:37:27,203
♪ The rabbi does the Electric Slide ♪
906
00:37:27,286 --> 00:37:29,121
♪ Grandma's ass is six feet wide ♪
907
00:37:29,205 --> 00:37:30,915
♪ Party music never stops ♪
908
00:37:30,998 --> 00:37:32,833
♪ All my friends drinking schnapps ♪
909
00:37:32,917 --> 00:37:34,418
♪ Boys are short, girls are tall ♪
910
00:37:34,502 --> 00:37:36,379
♪ Pass me the alcohol ♪
911
00:37:36,462 --> 00:37:38,005
♪ Chug as much as I can ♪
912
00:37:38,089 --> 00:37:39,632
♪ Vomit on the klezmer band ♪
913
00:37:39,715 --> 00:37:41,759
♪ Mom and Dad yell at me ♪
914
00:37:41,842 --> 00:37:43,261
♪ This strains my family ♪
915
00:37:43,344 --> 00:37:45,221
♪ But I'm a man, so I don't care ♪
916
00:37:45,304 --> 00:37:47,181
♪ Got my first mustache hair ♪
917
00:37:47,265 --> 00:37:50,685
♪ I'm the Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
918
00:37:50,768 --> 00:37:51,894
[man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
919
00:37:51,978 --> 00:37:54,313
♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
920
00:37:54,397 --> 00:37:55,523
[man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
921
00:37:55,606 --> 00:37:57,692
♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
922
00:37:57,775 --> 00:37:58,985
[man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
923
00:37:59,068 --> 00:38:01,320
♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
924
00:38:01,404 --> 00:38:02,697
[man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪
925
00:38:02,780 --> 00:38:06,284
♪ And it's the best day of my life ♪
926
00:38:06,367 --> 00:38:08,286
♪ Until three years later ♪
927
00:38:08,369 --> 00:38:11,038
♪ When my parents stop
Making me go to temple ♪
928
00:38:11,622 --> 00:38:12,748
[laughter]
929
00:38:12,832 --> 00:38:15,376
Very nice, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
930
00:38:15,459 --> 00:38:16,711
[cheers and applause]
931
00:38:20,256 --> 00:38:22,717
So I'll tell you a little story
about Disney World.
932
00:38:22,800 --> 00:38:25,594
You want to hear
a true Adam Sandler Story?
933
00:38:25,678 --> 00:38:27,930
-Please, I can-- Okay.
-[cheers and applause]
934
00:38:28,472 --> 00:38:30,474
So you guys have been
to Disney World, right?
935
00:38:30,558 --> 00:38:32,643
-[cheering]
-The families have been there.
936
00:38:32,727 --> 00:38:35,438
Who doesn't have kids
and still goes to Disney World?
937
00:38:35,521 --> 00:38:37,273
[cheering]
938
00:38:37,356 --> 00:38:39,483
You fucking stoners.
939
00:38:39,567 --> 00:38:41,402
-[laughter]
-I'm on to you.
940
00:38:42,111 --> 00:38:43,362
[laughs]
941
00:38:43,446 --> 00:38:45,990
All right, so I go
to Disney World recently
942
00:38:46,073 --> 00:38:48,826
with my wife and the two kids.
943
00:38:48,909 --> 00:38:51,037
My kids wanted
to go on this roller coaster.
944
00:38:51,120 --> 00:38:53,414
They were very excited.
So, we wait on the line.
945
00:38:53,497 --> 00:38:55,374
We're waiting.
You know the lines are very long.
946
00:38:55,458 --> 00:38:57,376
So, it takes like an hour and 15 minutes.
947
00:38:57,460 --> 00:38:59,211
We get to the front of the line,
948
00:38:59,295 --> 00:39:03,966
and then the roller coaster, we find out,
only takes three people at a time.
949
00:39:04,050 --> 00:39:05,593
So, there's four of us.
950
00:39:05,676 --> 00:39:07,511
And I see my wife and the two kids
951
00:39:07,595 --> 00:39:09,972
just immediately start walking
to the thing.
952
00:39:10,056 --> 00:39:12,850
And I was like, we're not even
gonna flip a coin. Not--
953
00:39:12,933 --> 00:39:15,603
Not even a thought, right?
They're like, "No, no..."
954
00:39:15,686 --> 00:39:16,896
I was like, "Yeah. All right."
955
00:39:16,979 --> 00:39:19,732
And so, I'm sitting there very angry.
I'm stewing.
956
00:39:19,815 --> 00:39:22,276
Like, "I waited a fucking hour
and 15 minutes
957
00:39:22,360 --> 00:39:25,488
to go on this fucking shit with you guys,
and you fucking bail on me."
958
00:39:25,571 --> 00:39:29,992
Then I see it happens to some other dad
from Oklahoma, and he's muttering.
959
00:39:30,076 --> 00:39:33,162
He's like, "Goddamn motherfucker...
They're mean as shit.
960
00:39:33,245 --> 00:39:34,622
And I'm like, "Yeah, yeah."
961
00:39:34,705 --> 00:39:36,248
And then I say to the other dad,
962
00:39:36,332 --> 00:39:38,793
I go, "You want fucking me and you
to go on it together?
963
00:39:38,876 --> 00:39:41,420
And he's like, "What?"
I go, "Well, I'm not going alone.
964
00:39:41,504 --> 00:39:43,381
Let's fucking do this shit.
I'll go with you."
965
00:39:43,464 --> 00:39:46,175
And he's like,
"Yeah, whatever the fuck you want."
966
00:39:46,258 --> 00:39:47,676
And so... [laughs]
967
00:39:48,219 --> 00:39:51,305
So I get on the roller coaster
with the guy
968
00:39:51,389 --> 00:39:52,973
and we're both not talking to each other.
969
00:39:53,057 --> 00:39:54,892
The roller coaster takes off,
970
00:39:54,975 --> 00:39:57,061
and you know how they take off
so fucking fast...
971
00:39:57,144 --> 00:40:00,231
that both our necks snap back,
and we look at each other.
972
00:40:00,314 --> 00:40:01,607
And he's like "Ooh, that got me."
973
00:40:01,690 --> 00:40:04,026
I was like, "Oh, yeah,
that was fucked up, man."
974
00:40:04,110 --> 00:40:05,528
We start laughing a little bit.
975
00:40:05,611 --> 00:40:07,738
And we're fucking
all of a sudden loosening up.
976
00:40:07,822 --> 00:40:11,742
And we're fucking doing all the-- jetting,
banging into these fucking crazy turns.
977
00:40:11,826 --> 00:40:14,453
I'm fucking leaning,
100% leaning on the guy.
978
00:40:14,537 --> 00:40:18,249
He's looking at me like, "What the fuck?"
I was like, "Hey, here we are."
979
00:40:18,332 --> 00:40:20,126
And we're laughing our asses off.
980
00:40:20,209 --> 00:40:24,046
And I'm like, "Holy shit, I haven't been
this happy in at least 11 years.
981
00:40:24,130 --> 00:40:28,008
I know that, but whatever,
I'm fucking... jetting around,
982
00:40:28,092 --> 00:40:29,260
fucking doing loop-the-loops.
983
00:40:29,343 --> 00:40:30,636
He's fucking bumping my first.
984
00:40:30,719 --> 00:40:32,847
I'm like, "Yeah, motherfucker."
He's like, "Yeah, baby."
985
00:40:32,930 --> 00:40:34,473
We get to the end. The fucking--
986
00:40:34,557 --> 00:40:36,350
You know how the break
comes out of nowhere.
987
00:40:36,434 --> 00:40:39,478
It fucking screeches on,
both our fucking heads snap again.
988
00:40:39,562 --> 00:40:42,940
He's like, "They got us again.
I was like, "Fuck yeah, we'll never learn.
989
00:40:43,023 --> 00:40:44,733
[laughter]
990
00:40:44,817 --> 00:40:49,113
So, uh, we're creeping up
to, you know, getting off the ride,
991
00:40:49,196 --> 00:40:50,739
how it's like a little slow at exit,
992
00:40:50,823 --> 00:40:52,992
and we're sitting there,
and I'm fucking...
993
00:40:53,451 --> 00:40:55,453
I feel this crazy pain in my heart,
994
00:40:56,245 --> 00:40:59,582
and I'm like, "Did I fucking fall in love
with this guy or some shit?
995
00:40:59,665 --> 00:41:00,791
What happened?
996
00:41:00,875 --> 00:41:03,502
And he's not looking at me.
I'm like this guy feels it too,
997
00:41:03,586 --> 00:41:05,588
'cause he's in a fucking daze.
We're both--
998
00:41:05,671 --> 00:41:08,674
And my kids are like,
"Come on, let's go to Peter Pan."
999
00:41:08,757 --> 00:41:10,426
I was like, "All right, in a minute."
1000
00:41:10,509 --> 00:41:12,178
I'm yelling at the kids too loud.
1001
00:41:12,261 --> 00:41:14,221
"I've got to say goodbye to the man."
1002
00:41:14,305 --> 00:41:15,431
And, uh...
1003
00:41:15,514 --> 00:41:17,766
I get off. I go, "Hey, nice to meet you."
1004
00:41:17,850 --> 00:41:19,727
He's like, "Yeah, nice to meet you."
1005
00:41:19,810 --> 00:41:21,979
He won't look at me,
and we're both all fucked up.
1006
00:41:22,062 --> 00:41:24,523
He goes back to his family,
I go back to mine.
1007
00:41:24,607 --> 00:41:25,816
I'm walking away.
1008
00:41:25,900 --> 00:41:28,736
In my head, I'm like, "I'm never gonna see
that fucking guy again,
1009
00:41:28,819 --> 00:41:30,821
and I don't feel good about that.
1010
00:41:30,905 --> 00:41:31,739
Um...
1011
00:41:32,323 --> 00:41:33,491
And then I...
1012
00:41:33,574 --> 00:41:34,992
And then I go...
1013
00:41:35,618 --> 00:41:37,495
"They take your picture though...
1014
00:41:38,120 --> 00:41:39,246
on those rides.
1015
00:41:39,788 --> 00:41:41,665
You know, just for memory's sake.
1016
00:41:41,749 --> 00:41:45,169
Just, what the fuck, I'm gonna go see,
maybe they snapped us, maybe they didn't.
1017
00:41:45,252 --> 00:41:47,838
But if they did... why not?
Fuck it, you know. Let's just see."
1018
00:41:47,922 --> 00:41:49,340
And so, we...
1019
00:41:49,423 --> 00:41:50,841
We go to the, uh--
1020
00:41:50,925 --> 00:41:53,844
I go to that place
where there's the fucking monitor up.
1021
00:41:53,928 --> 00:41:56,222
Sure enough, there's a picture
of me and the guy,
1022
00:41:56,305 --> 00:41:59,058
upside down, in the loop-the-loop...
1023
00:41:59,141 --> 00:42:02,686
staring so deep into each other's eyes.
1024
00:42:02,770 --> 00:42:04,063
It was fucking bananas.
1025
00:42:04,146 --> 00:42:07,316
I was like, "Okay, he felt it.
He definitely felt it too."
1026
00:42:07,399 --> 00:42:12,488
So, I say to the lady behind the counter,
"Hey, how much is that?"
1027
00:42:12,571 --> 00:42:14,698
And the lady goes, "Sixty-five dollars."
1028
00:42:14,782 --> 00:42:16,116
I was like, "Oh. Okay."
1029
00:42:16,200 --> 00:42:19,245
And then I take my phone out,
and I fucking snap a shot of it.
1030
00:42:19,328 --> 00:42:22,915
And then I feel this energy behind me.
1031
00:42:22,998 --> 00:42:25,125
I look back, and it's the guy
from Oklahoma.
1032
00:42:25,209 --> 00:42:27,461
He's holding the picture he just bought.
1033
00:42:27,545 --> 00:42:30,130
And he was like, "I wasn't worth it?"
1034
00:42:30,214 --> 00:42:31,966
[laughter]
1035
00:42:33,676 --> 00:42:35,427
So, anyways...
1036
00:42:35,970 --> 00:42:38,931
If that man is watching
my Netflix special right now,
1037
00:42:39,557 --> 00:42:41,100
I think of you a lot, sir.
1038
00:42:41,183 --> 00:42:42,393
I think of you a lot.
1039
00:42:43,269 --> 00:42:46,313
All right, Milwaukee,
let's fucking do this shit. Here we go.
1040
00:42:46,397 --> 00:42:47,314
[hip hop music plays]
1041
00:42:47,398 --> 00:42:49,942
♪ Yeah. Yeah. Yeah ♪
1042
00:42:51,902 --> 00:42:53,612
♪ Here we go again ♪
1043
00:42:54,363 --> 00:42:55,447
♪ Come on ♪
1044
00:42:56,657 --> 00:42:57,992
♪ I'm heading out ♪
1045
00:42:58,075 --> 00:42:59,785
♪ And all I'm taking with me ♪
1046
00:42:59,868 --> 00:43:01,328
♪ Is my phone, wallet, keys ♪
1047
00:43:01,412 --> 00:43:03,247
♪ Yeah, phone, wallet, keys ♪
1048
00:43:03,330 --> 00:43:06,458
♪ Just those three things, please
Need my phone, wallet, keys ♪
1049
00:43:06,542 --> 00:43:08,419
♪ Got my credit cards in my wallet ♪
1050
00:43:08,502 --> 00:43:10,212
♪ Got my phone, you can call it ♪
1051
00:43:10,296 --> 00:43:11,755
♪ Masterlock on my front door ♪
1052
00:43:11,839 --> 00:43:13,549
♪ That's what my motherfucking keys
Are for ♪
1053
00:43:13,632 --> 00:43:14,967
♪ My phone, wallet, keys ♪
1054
00:43:15,050 --> 00:43:16,760
♪ Yeah, phone, wallet, keys ♪
1055
00:43:17,177 --> 00:43:20,139
♪ Good things come in threes
Need my phone, wallet, keys ♪
1056
00:43:20,222 --> 00:43:23,726
♪ If I'm going to the zoo
I need my phone, wallet, keys ♪
1057
00:43:23,809 --> 00:43:26,979
♪ If I'm getting a face tattoo
I need my phone, wallet, keys ♪
1058
00:43:27,062 --> 00:43:30,566
♪ If I'm going out to a wedding
If it's winter time and I'm sledding ♪
1059
00:43:30,649 --> 00:43:34,194
♪ If I'm at the Daddy-Daughter dance
My phone, wallet, keys are in my pants ♪
1060
00:43:34,278 --> 00:43:37,281
♪ I'm going on vacation
To the West Indies ♪
1061
00:43:37,364 --> 00:43:38,991
♪ And I don't got no luggage ♪
1062
00:43:39,074 --> 00:43:40,701
♪ Just got phone, wallet, keys ♪
1063
00:43:40,784 --> 00:43:42,620
♪ I roll on up to the airport ♪
1064
00:43:42,703 --> 00:43:44,538
♪ Lady asks for my passport ♪
1065
00:43:44,622 --> 00:43:45,789
Fuck.
1066
00:43:45,873 --> 00:43:47,082
Okay.
1067
00:43:47,166 --> 00:43:49,668
♪ Guess I need my phone
Wallet, passport, keys ♪
1068
00:43:49,752 --> 00:43:51,337
♪ Phone, wallet, passport, keys ♪
1069
00:43:51,420 --> 00:43:54,673
♪ Now I need four things, bitch, please
Phone, wallet, passport, keys ♪
1070
00:43:54,757 --> 00:43:58,010
♪ I'm finally on the plane
I'm riding Delta, Delta ♪
1071
00:43:58,093 --> 00:43:59,845
♪ The lady farted next to me ♪
1072
00:43:59,928 --> 00:44:01,430
♪ I smelled her, I smelled her ♪
1073
00:44:01,513 --> 00:44:03,390
♪ We get to 30,000 feet ♪
1074
00:44:03,474 --> 00:44:05,100
♪ I recline my fucking seat ♪
1075
00:44:05,184 --> 00:44:06,810
♪ About to watch a movie, stop ♪
1076
00:44:06,894 --> 00:44:08,437
♪ I forgot my laptop ♪
1077
00:44:08,520 --> 00:44:10,022
♪ Mm, motherfucker ♪
1078
00:44:10,105 --> 00:44:11,065
♪ Damn it ♪
1079
00:44:11,148 --> 00:44:13,692
♪ Now I need my laptop
Phone, wallet, passport, keys ♪
1080
00:44:13,776 --> 00:44:15,361
♪ Laptop, phone, wallet, passport, keys ♪
1081
00:44:15,444 --> 00:44:17,029
♪ Too much shit, five fucking things ♪
1082
00:44:17,112 --> 00:44:20,324
♪ Laptop, phone, wallet, passport, keys
I'm swinging my shit all over the place ♪
1083
00:44:20,407 --> 00:44:21,784
♪ I'm hurting ya, I'm hurting ya ♪
1084
00:44:21,867 --> 00:44:23,160
♪ I'm carrying so much shit ♪
1085
00:44:23,243 --> 00:44:25,621
♪ I got a hernia, a hernia ♪
1086
00:44:25,704 --> 00:44:28,957
♪ No place to put it, what can I do?
Probably should take my iPad too ♪
1087
00:44:29,041 --> 00:44:30,501
♪ What the fuck else did I forget? ♪
1088
00:44:30,584 --> 00:44:32,503
♪ Sandman, you need tons of shit ♪
1089
00:44:32,586 --> 00:44:34,213
♪ My Tic Tacs, my backpack ♪
1090
00:44:34,296 --> 00:44:37,299
♪ My Zippo lighter, my charge pack
My sunglasses, my hairspray ♪
1091
00:44:37,383 --> 00:44:39,385
-♪ My headphones ♪
-♪ They're Beats by Dre ♪
1092
00:44:39,468 --> 00:44:42,805
♪ My notebook, my GoPro
My vape pen, my crossbow ♪
1093
00:44:42,888 --> 00:44:44,306
♪ My toothpick, my pocket knife ♪
1094
00:44:44,390 --> 00:44:46,100
♪ Oh, fuck, I forgot my wife ♪
1095
00:44:46,183 --> 00:44:47,893
-[man] ♪ Phone, wallet, keys ♪
-♪ God damn ♪
1096
00:44:47,976 --> 00:44:49,186
♪ Phone, wallet, keys ♪
1097
00:44:49,269 --> 00:44:51,146
♪ It used to be so easy ♪
1098
00:44:51,230 --> 00:44:52,898
♪ With my phone, my wallet
And my keys-ee ♪
1099
00:44:52,981 --> 00:44:56,402
♪ Phone, wallet, keys, yeah
Phone, wallet, keys ♪
1100
00:44:56,485 --> 00:44:57,945
♪ It used to be a breez-ee ♪
1101
00:44:58,028 --> 00:44:59,738
♪ With my phone, my wallet
And my keys-ee ♪
1102
00:44:59,822 --> 00:45:03,033
♪ My pockets got so heavy
Now I'm cramping, I'm cramping ♪
1103
00:45:03,117 --> 00:45:06,370
♪ Each time I leave my house
It's like I'm camping, I'm camping ♪
1104
00:45:06,453 --> 00:45:09,998
♪ I'm miserable, just standing around
I'm like a walking lost and found ♪
1105
00:45:10,082 --> 00:45:11,625
♪ You know I'd rather stay at home ♪
1106
00:45:11,709 --> 00:45:14,712
-♪ Where all I need's my fucking phone ♪
-[man] ♪ Phone, phone, phone ♪
1107
00:45:14,795 --> 00:45:17,005
-♪ Yeah ♪
-♪ Phone, phone, phone ♪
1108
00:45:17,089 --> 00:45:18,424
♪ Much happier at home ♪
1109
00:45:18,507 --> 00:45:20,342
♪ Just playing with my phone ♪
1110
00:45:20,426 --> 00:45:22,261
-♪ Phone, phone, phone ♪
-♪ Yeah ♪
1111
00:45:22,344 --> 00:45:23,429
♪ Phone, phone, phone ♪
1112
00:45:23,512 --> 00:45:25,347
♪ Yeah, I'll just stay at home ♪
1113
00:45:25,431 --> 00:45:28,100
♪ And fiddle with my phone on the toilet ♪
1114
00:45:28,183 --> 00:45:29,226
[laughter]
1115
00:45:29,309 --> 00:45:30,519
[cheering]
1116
00:45:32,521 --> 00:45:34,481
I'm gonna do my first mic drop.
1117
00:45:35,357 --> 00:45:36,734
Yeah.
1118
00:45:36,817 --> 00:45:37,651
Yeah.
1119
00:45:37,735 --> 00:45:40,821
You just got Sandoozled.
1120
00:45:41,655 --> 00:45:43,198
[laughs]
1121
00:45:43,282 --> 00:45:44,742
[sings indistinctly]
1122
00:45:44,825 --> 00:45:46,452
Yeah, yeah.
1123
00:45:46,535 --> 00:45:48,078
Sweet, sweet, sweet.
1124
00:45:49,621 --> 00:45:50,831
That was a good ending.
1125
00:45:50,914 --> 00:45:52,082
-Thank you.
-[cheering]
1126
00:45:52,166 --> 00:45:53,375
[electronic music plays]
1127
00:45:53,459 --> 00:45:55,753
Whoa, what the fuck is that? What is that?
1128
00:45:56,378 --> 00:45:58,672
Oh, shit, you scared me with that one.
1129
00:45:58,756 --> 00:46:00,215
Give me a second.
1130
00:46:00,924 --> 00:46:02,676
Wait, okay. Okay, here we go.
1131
00:46:04,595 --> 00:46:05,554
This one's fun.
1132
00:46:06,764 --> 00:46:08,849
♪ He's a very strong lad ♪
1133
00:46:10,184 --> 00:46:12,728
♪ But he hasn't been laid in years ♪
1134
00:46:13,479 --> 00:46:16,106
♪ Because the strong and handsome lad ♪
1135
00:46:16,982 --> 00:46:20,778
♪ Has a terrible case of UFC ears ♪
1136
00:46:20,861 --> 00:46:23,989
♪ UFC ears, UFC ears ♪
1137
00:46:24,072 --> 00:46:27,117
♪ Cauliflower wrestling, UFC ears ♪
1138
00:46:27,618 --> 00:46:30,996
♪ UFC ears, UFC ears ♪
1139
00:46:31,079 --> 00:46:34,041
♪ Swollen and disfigured UFC ears ♪
1140
00:46:34,124 --> 00:46:36,335
♪ He can beat you in the Octagon ♪
1141
00:46:36,418 --> 00:46:37,461
[laughter]
1142
00:46:37,544 --> 00:46:40,130
♪ Afterwards drink 30 beers ♪
1143
00:46:41,298 --> 00:46:44,510
♪ But that doesn't change
The horrible fact ♪
1144
00:46:44,593 --> 00:46:47,638
♪ He also has a case of UFC ears ♪
1145
00:46:48,263 --> 00:46:51,517
♪ UFC ears, UFC ears ♪
1146
00:46:51,600 --> 00:46:55,020
♪ Tiny little holes in his UFC ears ♪
1147
00:46:55,103 --> 00:46:58,398
♪ UFC ears, UFC ears ♪
1148
00:46:58,482 --> 00:47:01,944
♪ Can't stop looking at those UFC ears ♪
1149
00:47:02,027 --> 00:47:05,280
♪ Heavyweight boxers get the broken nose ♪
1150
00:47:05,364 --> 00:47:08,534
♪ Ballet dancers
Have those fucked up toes ♪
1151
00:47:08,617 --> 00:47:11,912
♪ MLB pitchers all have crazy beards ♪
1152
00:47:11,995 --> 00:47:14,957
♪ But I can't believe these guys
Can fucking hear ♪
1153
00:47:15,040 --> 00:47:17,042
♪ With those UFC ears ♪
1154
00:47:17,125 --> 00:47:18,627
♪ UFC ears ♪
1155
00:47:19,127 --> 00:47:22,464
♪ Puffy and disturbing UFC ears ♪
1156
00:47:22,548 --> 00:47:25,884
♪ UFC ears, that's right, UFC ears ♪
1157
00:47:25,968 --> 00:47:29,096
♪ Cries himself to sleep
He's got UFC ears ♪
1158
00:47:29,179 --> 00:47:30,764
♪ Now, after the show tonight ♪
1159
00:47:32,432 --> 00:47:34,977
♪ I'll be shaking
With cheeks wet with tears ♪
1160
00:47:35,477 --> 00:47:38,730
♪ Because he's going to find me
And beat my fucking head in ♪
1161
00:47:39,314 --> 00:47:42,568
♪ Screaming, "Welcome to the club
Of UFC ears" ♪
1162
00:47:42,651 --> 00:47:44,319
[cheers and applause]
1163
00:47:44,903 --> 00:47:45,737
♪ Ears ♪
1164
00:47:46,280 --> 00:47:47,114
♪ Ears ♪
1165
00:47:47,614 --> 00:47:48,448
♪ Ears ♪
1166
00:47:48,949 --> 00:47:49,825
♪ Ears ♪
1167
00:47:50,659 --> 00:47:51,994
Yeah.
1168
00:47:52,077 --> 00:47:53,036
Oh my.
1169
00:47:54,079 --> 00:47:56,957
That's some smokey shit.
1170
00:47:57,708 --> 00:47:59,668
This is not from us.
There is a fucking fire.
1171
00:47:59,751 --> 00:48:02,254
Let's get the fuck out of here. Quick.
1172
00:48:02,337 --> 00:48:04,256
No, I'm just joking.
Don't-- don't bail on me.
1173
00:48:04,840 --> 00:48:07,426
-Is that going into your mouth?
-[laughter]
1174
00:48:08,176 --> 00:48:09,803
That's-- Yeah, that's-- [laughs]
1175
00:48:09,887 --> 00:48:11,805
That's what she said. Yes. Very good.
1176
00:48:11,889 --> 00:48:13,807
-[laughter]
-That was fun.
1177
00:48:13,891 --> 00:48:15,142
Really good.
1178
00:48:15,225 --> 00:48:16,643
I liked that.
1179
00:48:16,727 --> 00:48:19,563
Yes, those UFC guys,
they are built pretty fucking good.
1180
00:48:19,646 --> 00:48:20,564
I can't stand...
1181
00:48:20,647 --> 00:48:22,900
That's the only reason I don't watch.
I get so angry
1182
00:48:22,983 --> 00:48:25,485
at how fucking chiselled
these fucking guys are.
1183
00:48:25,569 --> 00:48:29,239
I go to the gym, of course,
but I just go to pick my wife up.
1184
00:48:29,323 --> 00:48:31,658
I'm always like, "Hey, how was that?
How'd it go in there?"
1185
00:48:31,742 --> 00:48:34,786
She's like, "You've got to come in."
I'm like, "Yeah, definitely."
1186
00:48:35,370 --> 00:48:38,206
I got old enough now
that I don't take my shirt off anymore.
1187
00:48:38,290 --> 00:48:40,709
I'm 51, 51 years old.
1188
00:48:40,792 --> 00:48:41,877
[cheers and applause]
1189
00:48:41,960 --> 00:48:44,296
So, I don't take my shirt off anymore
1190
00:48:44,379 --> 00:48:47,633
when I go swimming
at, like, a hotel pool with my kids.
1191
00:48:47,716 --> 00:48:49,259
I keep my fucking shirt on.
1192
00:48:49,343 --> 00:48:51,219
I'm swimming,
and everyone's pointing and stuff,
1193
00:48:51,303 --> 00:48:53,180
and like this lifeguard was yelling at me.
1194
00:48:53,263 --> 00:48:55,349
"You can't do that."
I'm like, "What the fuck is...
1195
00:48:55,432 --> 00:48:58,143
I'm humiliated, buddy. I just don't want
to take my fucking shirt off."
1196
00:48:58,226 --> 00:49:00,896
He's like, "No, you've got to wear
a bathing suit, your dick is out."
1197
00:49:00,979 --> 00:49:02,481
I'm like, "Oh, okay.
1198
00:49:02,564 --> 00:49:05,817
Oh, this is, uh...
one of the fancy Howard Johnson's.
1199
00:49:05,901 --> 00:49:06,944
I got you.
1200
00:49:07,027 --> 00:49:08,737
Fuck. Sorry, man."
1201
00:49:08,820 --> 00:49:11,323
The guys over 50 know
what I'm talking about.
1202
00:49:11,406 --> 00:49:15,702
The testicles do get bigger and bigger
as you get older.
1203
00:49:15,786 --> 00:49:18,622
They hang lower
and whatever the fuck happens...
1204
00:49:18,705 --> 00:49:20,958
You know, you've seen it
at the YMCA your whole life,
1205
00:49:21,041 --> 00:49:23,794
the older men with the giant balls,
1206
00:49:23,877 --> 00:49:25,837
and you're always wondering
1207
00:49:25,921 --> 00:49:28,757
why they're so free and happy, fucking...
1208
00:49:28,840 --> 00:49:31,009
Those are like the 85-year-old guys.
1209
00:49:31,093 --> 00:49:34,805
They don't give a fuck.
They just swing it... and whatever.
1210
00:49:34,888 --> 00:49:36,598
They don't even think
of throwing a towel on.
1211
00:49:36,682 --> 00:49:39,810
They're just like, "This is it.
I only got a few years left.
1212
00:49:39,893 --> 00:49:43,063
I want-- You should remember me how I am,
1213
00:49:43,146 --> 00:49:45,023
with these giant..."
1214
00:49:45,107 --> 00:49:46,984
My balls are not that big,
1215
00:49:47,067 --> 00:49:50,237
but they still don't make sense
on my body.
1216
00:49:50,320 --> 00:49:54,157
My dick literally looks
like it's sitting in a bean bag chair.
1217
00:49:54,241 --> 00:49:57,452
Yeah, it's so comfortable.
My dick never...
1218
00:49:57,536 --> 00:49:59,329
it never wants to leave the balls.
1219
00:49:59,413 --> 00:50:00,789
It's always just resting.
1220
00:50:00,872 --> 00:50:04,543
So nice, like, "I love you guys.
You're my best friends."
1221
00:50:04,626 --> 00:50:06,169
[laughter]
1222
00:50:06,253 --> 00:50:09,131
The new giant balls get me into trouble
with my wife now,
1223
00:50:09,214 --> 00:50:10,841
because we're both not used to them.
1224
00:50:10,924 --> 00:50:14,511
I'm behind her doing my thing,
what you do when you're behind your wife.
1225
00:50:14,594 --> 00:50:16,179
And I'll hear, "Hey, hey, no spanking."
1226
00:50:16,263 --> 00:50:19,266
I'm like, "That wasn't me.
That was-- That was those guys, babe."
1227
00:50:19,349 --> 00:50:20,767
And she's like, "Oh...
1228
00:50:21,351 --> 00:50:23,311
Oh, you got me again."
1229
00:50:23,395 --> 00:50:24,730
[piano plays]
1230
00:50:24,813 --> 00:50:27,441
Okay, this is for the people
who either live together
1231
00:50:27,524 --> 00:50:29,109
or have been married for awhile.
1232
00:50:29,192 --> 00:50:30,360
Okay? This is for you.
1233
00:50:31,278 --> 00:50:33,655
♪ You're giving me a strange look
In the mirror ♪
1234
00:50:33,739 --> 00:50:35,490
♪ As I brush my teeth ♪
1235
00:50:35,574 --> 00:50:36,575
[laughter]
1236
00:50:37,701 --> 00:50:39,453
♪ I don't know
What I could have done wrong ♪
1237
00:50:39,536 --> 00:50:41,455
♪ 'Cause I literally just woke up ♪
1238
00:50:41,538 --> 00:50:42,706
[laughter]
1239
00:50:44,708 --> 00:50:47,711
♪ Maybe you had a dream
That I cheated on you ♪
1240
00:50:47,794 --> 00:50:48,712
[laughter]
1241
00:50:48,795 --> 00:50:53,091
♪ Or you remember something mean I said
Like two fucking years ago ♪
1242
00:50:53,175 --> 00:50:54,301
[laughter]
1243
00:50:55,177 --> 00:50:58,847
♪ All I know is that all day long
It's gonna be weird ♪
1244
00:50:58,930 --> 00:50:59,765
[laughter]
1245
00:50:59,848 --> 00:51:01,475
♪ Eggshells ♪
1246
00:51:01,558 --> 00:51:04,728
♪ Why the hell is she walking past me
Without talking? ♪
1247
00:51:05,395 --> 00:51:06,855
♪ Eggshells ♪
1248
00:51:06,938 --> 00:51:08,732
♪ I told her her hair looked good ♪
1249
00:51:08,815 --> 00:51:10,817
♪ And that somehow made things worse ♪
1250
00:51:11,568 --> 00:51:12,611
[man] ♪ Eggshells ♪
1251
00:51:12,694 --> 00:51:14,946
♪ When she picks up the phone
She uses a nice voice ♪
1252
00:51:15,030 --> 00:51:17,699
♪ But when she hangs up
It's back to fucking monotone ♪
1253
00:51:17,783 --> 00:51:18,784
[laughter]
1254
00:51:18,867 --> 00:51:19,951
♪ Eggshells ♪
1255
00:51:20,035 --> 00:51:21,953
♪ I see you're reading a book
In the kitchen ♪
1256
00:51:22,037 --> 00:51:24,873
♪ But she hasn't turned a page
In 45 fucking minutes ♪
1257
00:51:24,956 --> 00:51:26,249
[laughter]
1258
00:51:26,333 --> 00:51:27,667
♪ Eggshells ♪
1259
00:51:27,751 --> 00:51:29,711
♪ Then I realize I said yesterday ♪
1260
00:51:29,795 --> 00:51:32,380
♪ I'd start going on walks with her ♪
1261
00:51:33,131 --> 00:51:37,260
♪ But I didn't say it
With enough enthusiasm ♪
1262
00:51:37,761 --> 00:51:39,429
-[laughter and applause]
-Thank you.
1263
00:51:39,513 --> 00:51:41,431
[man] Yo, Sandman,
what's your favorite vegetable?
1264
00:51:41,515 --> 00:51:43,266
Ah-ha, we get it.
1265
00:51:43,350 --> 00:51:44,768
[rock music plays]
1266
00:51:46,978 --> 00:51:47,938
Oh, shit.
1267
00:51:49,272 --> 00:51:50,315
Yeah.
1268
00:51:52,025 --> 00:51:54,319
♪ Unh, unh, unh, unh ♪
1269
00:51:56,404 --> 00:52:01,409
Get up! Oh, everybody in the fucking arena
go fucking mental!
1270
00:52:01,493 --> 00:52:02,994
[cheering]
1271
00:52:03,078 --> 00:52:04,246
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
1272
00:52:05,914 --> 00:52:07,249
♪ Feels so good ♪
1273
00:52:08,750 --> 00:52:10,210
♪ Kiss your body ♪
1274
00:52:11,545 --> 00:52:13,672
♪ Come on, let's get naughty ♪
1275
00:52:14,256 --> 00:52:16,133
♪ Now we're in the groove ♪
1276
00:52:16,216 --> 00:52:19,427
♪ Rocking so hard
Her belly's starting to move, yeah ♪
1277
00:52:20,428 --> 00:52:22,264
♪ I'm gonna show you how ♪
1278
00:52:22,347 --> 00:52:24,683
♪ Nothing in the world's
Gonna stop us now ♪
1279
00:52:24,766 --> 00:52:29,396
♪ So let's both ignore
That crazy pussy fart ♪
1280
00:52:29,479 --> 00:52:30,647
[laughter]
1281
00:52:31,273 --> 00:52:32,774
[laughs] Thank you.
1282
00:52:32,858 --> 00:52:34,776
The vagina fart
1283
00:52:34,860 --> 00:52:37,279
has been around a long time, girls.
1284
00:52:37,362 --> 00:52:38,572
No problem. It's fun.
1285
00:52:39,156 --> 00:52:42,117
The vagina fart, girls, I gotta say
still gets you every time.
1286
00:52:42,200 --> 00:52:45,412
Everybody. Every fellow here
enjoys them so much.
1287
00:52:45,495 --> 00:52:46,955
Just keep them coming, girls.
1288
00:52:47,873 --> 00:52:50,250
It just provides entertainment
in the bedroom.
1289
00:52:50,333 --> 00:52:52,002
Guys do not say nothing about it.
1290
00:52:52,085 --> 00:52:53,962
Guys will fucking ignore it every time.
1291
00:52:54,045 --> 00:52:56,715
Just because, you know,
if you comment on it, it's fucking over.
1292
00:52:56,798 --> 00:52:58,967
You're getting up and leaving
and that's it.
1293
00:52:59,050 --> 00:53:02,554
So you're like, "Okay, whatever the fuck
that was, let's keep...
1294
00:53:02,637 --> 00:53:04,055
Let's keep going forward."
1295
00:53:04,139 --> 00:53:07,058
I have been face-to-face
with the vagina fart.
1296
00:53:07,142 --> 00:53:10,896
I've been tagged pretty hard
by my wife right there.
1297
00:53:10,979 --> 00:53:12,147
I don't say shit.
1298
00:53:12,230 --> 00:53:13,857
You know, I might go like, "Uh."
1299
00:53:13,940 --> 00:53:15,609
I might give her one of those.
1300
00:53:16,193 --> 00:53:17,027
Hey, now.
1301
00:53:17,694 --> 00:53:20,655
But I always get right back in there
and finish off when I started.
1302
00:53:20,739 --> 00:53:25,076
You know, if my wife hits me
with like four or five of them in a row,
1303
00:53:25,160 --> 00:53:28,830
I might say, "I think you've got to do
some fucking jumping jacks or some shit.
1304
00:53:29,414 --> 00:53:31,625
You know, get a Q-Tip,
1305
00:53:31,708 --> 00:53:33,001
fucking pop that...
1306
00:53:33,084 --> 00:53:35,795
You got-- Something's wrong.
Something's going on with you.
1307
00:53:35,879 --> 00:53:38,548
But when you come back,
I'll fucking finish you good.
1308
00:53:38,632 --> 00:53:40,008
I promise you.
1309
00:53:40,091 --> 00:53:41,843
If it was reversed...
1310
00:53:41,927 --> 00:53:44,846
let me just say...
the girls would not be as sweet to us.
1311
00:53:44,930 --> 00:53:47,015
If there was a dick fart,
if there was such a--
1312
00:53:47,098 --> 00:53:50,977
There's no dick fart,
but if there was a dick fart...
1313
00:53:51,061 --> 00:53:53,730
And it would be nothing.
It's such a little hole.
1314
00:53:53,813 --> 00:53:55,482
The sound would be nothing.
1315
00:53:55,565 --> 00:53:57,275
Your vaginas literally are like
1316
00:53:57,359 --> 00:54:01,154
acoustically fucking made
to blast out a boomer.
1317
00:54:01,696 --> 00:54:05,492
And-- And we're just like, "All right,
let's play it off like it didn't happen."
1318
00:54:05,575 --> 00:54:08,370
With a dick fart, you'd be like--
At the most, it would sound like...
1319
00:54:08,453 --> 00:54:09,704
[soft whistling]
1320
00:54:09,788 --> 00:54:12,332
And you'd be like,
"Whoa, what the fuck is that?"
1321
00:54:12,415 --> 00:54:13,458
[laughter]
1322
00:54:14,709 --> 00:54:15,919
[soft whistling]
1323
00:54:16,795 --> 00:54:18,171
"I'm nervous. I don't know.
1324
00:54:18,964 --> 00:54:20,382
You don't think that's cute?
1325
00:54:20,882 --> 00:54:23,009
It sounds like a little Disney character.
1326
00:54:23,093 --> 00:54:24,427
[laughter]
1327
00:54:24,511 --> 00:54:25,428
Cinderelly."
1328
00:54:26,388 --> 00:54:27,305
"I'm leaving!"
1329
00:54:27,389 --> 00:54:29,557
We'd have to play it off
like it didn't happen.
1330
00:54:29,641 --> 00:54:31,017
Like, "No, I think the tea's ready.
1331
00:54:31,601 --> 00:54:32,644
[soft whistling]
1332
00:54:32,727 --> 00:54:33,728
[laughter]
1333
00:54:33,812 --> 00:54:34,729
[laughs]
1334
00:54:36,606 --> 00:54:39,526
My wife, one time, hit me in the face
with a combo platter.
1335
00:54:39,609 --> 00:54:42,279
She hit me with the vagina to the mouth...
1336
00:54:42,362 --> 00:54:43,363
Up high.
1337
00:54:43,947 --> 00:54:47,284
At the very same time,
hit me in the neck with the other...
1338
00:54:47,367 --> 00:54:48,451
the, uh...
1339
00:54:48,535 --> 00:54:51,496
She came up high and down low
at the very same time.
1340
00:54:51,579 --> 00:54:53,999
I fucking don't know what happened.
One time in 20 years.
1341
00:54:54,082 --> 00:54:56,584
Just fucking bam, in the face,
one in the neck.
1342
00:54:56,668 --> 00:54:59,421
Fucking hit me hard,
it was like the perfect storm.
1343
00:54:59,504 --> 00:55:01,631
We don't know
what she was eating that day,
1344
00:55:01,715 --> 00:55:03,174
but whatever the fuck it was,
1345
00:55:03,258 --> 00:55:04,551
she got me good.
1346
00:55:04,634 --> 00:55:06,636
I've got to say, it literally felt like
1347
00:55:06,720 --> 00:55:09,139
somebody opened the door
on a fucking airplane.
1348
00:55:09,222 --> 00:55:10,640
It was like, "Whoa!"
1349
00:55:10,724 --> 00:55:12,100
[laughter]
1350
00:55:12,183 --> 00:55:14,811
There was debris in the air and fucking...
1351
00:55:15,312 --> 00:55:18,148
Other passengers were floating
through my fucking room.
1352
00:55:18,231 --> 00:55:19,316
[laughter]
1353
00:55:20,400 --> 00:55:22,902
Oxygen masks dropped down.
You know, I was...
1354
00:55:22,986 --> 00:55:24,321
But I fucking took it like...
1355
00:55:24,404 --> 00:55:27,115
I did wish someone else saw it.
That was fucking incredible.
1356
00:55:27,198 --> 00:55:30,952
And then I hear the ghost go,
"I saw that shit. Oh, my God.
1357
00:55:31,036 --> 00:55:33,621
It fucking blew the ruler out of my hand."
1358
00:55:33,705 --> 00:55:34,706
[laughter]
1359
00:55:35,957 --> 00:55:39,461
So I tell my wife recently
I would love to try anal.
1360
00:55:39,544 --> 00:55:42,630
And I say to my wife,
"Hey, I would love to try anal."
1361
00:55:42,714 --> 00:55:44,466
And she goes, "Oh, I wouldn't."
1362
00:55:44,549 --> 00:55:45,800
And then I say, "Oh."
1363
00:55:45,884 --> 00:55:46,718
[laughter]
1364
00:55:46,801 --> 00:55:48,011
I said, "But I would."
1365
00:55:48,094 --> 00:55:50,138
And she goes, "Yeah, I know. I heard."
1366
00:55:50,221 --> 00:55:51,097
[laughter]
1367
00:55:51,181 --> 00:55:53,224
And then I said, "Okay, so let's..."
1368
00:55:53,308 --> 00:55:54,601
I really think we should.
1369
00:55:54,684 --> 00:55:56,353
She goes, "I'm just not into that."
1370
00:55:56,436 --> 00:55:58,229
And then I said, "You know, what?
1371
00:55:59,397 --> 00:56:00,398
I love you.
1372
00:56:00,482 --> 00:56:02,567
I'm gonna be with you
for the rest of my life.
1373
00:56:02,650 --> 00:56:04,152
I've been with you 20 years.
1374
00:56:04,235 --> 00:56:06,863
I've never cheated on you.
I never will cheat on you.
1375
00:56:06,946 --> 00:56:09,491
-It's you and me against the world, baby.
-[cheering]
1376
00:56:09,574 --> 00:56:13,036
And, uh... I really--
I got nowhere else to get this anal.
1377
00:56:13,119 --> 00:56:14,704
-So...
-[laughter]
1378
00:56:14,788 --> 00:56:16,581
I was like, "You've got
to fucking help me out.
1379
00:56:16,664 --> 00:56:18,291
It's a fantasy. Please?"
1380
00:56:18,375 --> 00:56:19,250
And, uh...
1381
00:56:19,334 --> 00:56:21,961
And she was nice. She said okay.
1382
00:56:22,045 --> 00:56:24,589
And so, on my birthday, she gave it up.
1383
00:56:24,672 --> 00:56:27,384
She gave it to me,
and she said she liked it.
1384
00:56:27,467 --> 00:56:29,177
She said it was fun
1385
00:56:29,260 --> 00:56:32,097
and she couldn't believe
she fit her whole fist inside me...
1386
00:56:32,180 --> 00:56:34,224
-And so-- I don't know.
-[laughter]
1387
00:56:34,307 --> 00:56:36,893
I said, "You see? New experiences."
1388
00:56:38,478 --> 00:56:40,188
She's a good girl. That's my baby.
1389
00:56:40,688 --> 00:56:42,107
That's my baby.
1390
00:56:42,190 --> 00:56:44,109
[Sandler] Oh, Sandman.
1391
00:56:44,192 --> 00:56:45,902
That's too much.
1392
00:56:45,985 --> 00:56:47,028
[piano plays]
1393
00:56:47,112 --> 00:56:48,071
♪ Mmm ♪
1394
00:56:49,656 --> 00:56:53,326
♪ It's awfully cold in outer space today ♪
1395
00:56:54,911 --> 00:56:57,080
♪ The earth is just a tiny speck ♪
1396
00:56:57,705 --> 00:56:59,499
♪ A million miles away ♪
1397
00:56:59,582 --> 00:57:02,585
♪ I'm floating through the darkness ♪
1398
00:57:02,669 --> 00:57:05,088
♪ There's nothing much to see ♪
1399
00:57:06,339 --> 00:57:09,092
♪ And a Cosmonaut named Yuri ♪
1400
00:57:09,175 --> 00:57:11,553
♪ Is the only one with me ♪
1401
00:57:11,636 --> 00:57:12,929
[laughter]
1402
00:57:13,012 --> 00:57:14,389
♪ Mmm ♪
1403
00:57:15,557 --> 00:57:18,017
♪ Now we're in zero gravity ♪
1404
00:57:18,101 --> 00:57:20,437
♪ Just spinning round and round ♪
1405
00:57:21,062 --> 00:57:23,440
♪ The next thing you know
I'm right side up ♪
1406
00:57:23,523 --> 00:57:25,608
♪ And Yuri's upside down ♪
1407
00:57:26,651 --> 00:57:29,028
♪ My penis accidentally goes
In his mouth ♪
1408
00:57:29,112 --> 00:57:30,113
[laughter]
1409
00:57:31,573 --> 00:57:35,118
♪ His penis accidentally goes in mine ♪
1410
00:57:35,201 --> 00:57:36,161
[laughter]
1411
00:57:37,829 --> 00:57:40,874
♪ Yes, it's just another accident ♪
1412
00:57:40,957 --> 00:57:43,751
♪ On Station 69 ♪
1413
00:57:43,835 --> 00:57:45,295
[laughter]
1414
00:57:45,378 --> 00:57:48,298
Ladies and gentlemen... Yuri.
1415
00:57:48,381 --> 00:57:49,924
[cheers and applause]
1416
00:57:52,844 --> 00:57:54,846
Hello, people of Earth.
1417
00:57:54,929 --> 00:57:56,764
[cheering and whistling]
1418
00:57:58,183 --> 00:58:01,561
♪ It's awfully cold
In outer space tonight ♪
1419
00:58:02,061 --> 00:58:03,188
[Sandler] Yes.
1420
00:58:03,271 --> 00:58:05,648
♪ I sent a message back to Earth ♪
1421
00:58:05,732 --> 00:58:08,443
♪ To tell them we're all right, yes ♪
1422
00:58:08,526 --> 00:58:10,653
♪ I check the telescopes ♪
1423
00:58:10,737 --> 00:58:15,116
♪ And look for instruments to fix ♪
1424
00:58:15,200 --> 00:58:16,534
[laughter]
1425
00:58:17,160 --> 00:58:19,496
♪ But my favorite part of space ♪
1426
00:58:19,579 --> 00:58:24,000
♪ Is when we suck each other's dicks ♪
1427
00:58:24,083 --> 00:58:25,210
[Sandler] Absolutely.
1428
00:58:26,544 --> 00:58:28,880
♪ We're spinning around in circles ♪
1429
00:58:28,963 --> 00:58:31,716
♪ And it feels very nice ♪
1430
00:58:31,799 --> 00:58:34,427
♪ When we kiss each other's penis tips ♪
1431
00:58:34,511 --> 00:58:36,930
♪ It seems like paradise ♪
1432
00:58:37,514 --> 00:58:39,724
-♪ We're travelling in light speed ♪
-Yes.
1433
00:58:39,807 --> 00:58:43,770
♪ It's an intergalactic ride ♪
1434
00:58:46,022 --> 00:58:48,024
♪ Well, we used to have a monkey ♪
1435
00:58:48,107 --> 00:58:48,942
Remember?
1436
00:58:49,025 --> 00:58:53,488
♪ But I fucked it till it died ♪
1437
00:58:53,571 --> 00:58:54,572
Yes, yes.
1438
00:58:55,406 --> 00:58:58,117
♪ Yes, we're in zero gravity ♪
1439
00:58:58,201 --> 00:59:00,495
♪ Just spinning round and round ♪
1440
00:59:00,995 --> 00:59:03,873
♪ The next thing you know
I'm right-side up ♪
1441
00:59:03,957 --> 00:59:05,792
♪ And I am upside down ♪
1442
00:59:05,875 --> 00:59:07,335
[cheering and whistling]
1443
00:59:10,672 --> 00:59:14,050
♪ He accidentally puts his penis
In my mouth ♪
1444
00:59:14,133 --> 00:59:17,762
♪ And he puts his penis in mine ♪
1445
00:59:17,845 --> 00:59:18,972
[laughter]
1446
00:59:20,473 --> 00:59:23,935
♪ Yes, it's just another accident ♪
1447
00:59:24,769 --> 00:59:27,188
♪ It's just another thing
That on purpose I did ♪
1448
00:59:27,272 --> 00:59:28,648
[laughter]
1449
00:59:28,731 --> 00:59:30,567
♪ It's-- It's just... ♪
1450
00:59:30,650 --> 00:59:32,277
[laughs]
1451
00:59:32,360 --> 00:59:35,363
♪ It's just another afternoon ♪
1452
00:59:35,446 --> 00:59:41,119
[both] ♪ On Station 69 ♪
1453
00:59:41,202 --> 00:59:42,829
[cheers and applause]
1454
00:59:42,912 --> 00:59:45,415
Go! Go back! Go back to space!
1455
00:59:45,498 --> 00:59:46,791
Get out of here!
1456
00:59:46,874 --> 00:59:48,668
Take him away!
1457
00:59:54,090 --> 00:59:55,008
[laughs]
1458
00:59:55,508 --> 00:59:57,010
What are you doing?
1459
00:59:57,093 --> 00:59:58,136
Help him.
1460
01:00:00,138 --> 01:00:01,472
[laughs]
1461
01:00:08,688 --> 01:00:10,440
All right, guys, gonna do this one.
1462
01:00:10,523 --> 01:00:12,900
This is a very special song.
I hope you like it.
1463
01:00:12,984 --> 01:00:14,944
It means a lot to us. Here we go.
1464
01:00:15,028 --> 01:00:16,070
[cheering]
1465
01:00:16,154 --> 01:00:17,614
[low-tempo music plays]
1466
01:00:43,931 --> 01:00:45,850
♪ The first time I saw him ♪
1467
01:00:45,933 --> 01:00:48,811
♪ He was sweeter than shit ♪
1468
01:00:52,190 --> 01:00:54,484
♪ Plaid jacket and belt too tight ♪
1469
01:00:54,567 --> 01:00:56,819
♪ He wasn't even doing a bit ♪
1470
01:00:59,572 --> 01:01:01,616
♪ Then he cartwheeled around the room ♪
1471
01:01:01,699 --> 01:01:04,035
♪ And slow-danced with the cleaning lady ♪
1472
01:01:04,702 --> 01:01:06,996
♪ He was a one-man party ♪
1473
01:01:07,955 --> 01:01:10,166
♪ You know who I'm talking about ♪
1474
01:01:10,249 --> 01:01:13,169
♪ I'm talking about
My friend Chris Farley ♪
1475
01:01:13,252 --> 01:01:14,754
[cheering]
1476
01:01:19,967 --> 01:01:25,181
♪ On Saturday night
My man would always deliver ♪
1477
01:01:27,684 --> 01:01:29,769
♪ Whether he was the Bumblebee girl ♪
1478
01:01:29,852 --> 01:01:33,398
♪ Or livin' in a van down by the river ♪
1479
01:01:33,481 --> 01:01:34,816
[cheering]
1480
01:01:35,858 --> 01:01:40,196
♪ He loved the bears and did the dance
At Chippendale's with Swayze ♪
1481
01:01:40,279 --> 01:01:42,448
♪ When they replaced his coffee
With Folgers ♪
1482
01:01:42,532 --> 01:01:44,325
♪ He went fucking crazy ♪
1483
01:01:44,409 --> 01:01:46,035
♪ The sexiest Gap girl ♪
1484
01:01:46,119 --> 01:01:48,496
♪ And Meatloaf in the band ♪
1485
01:01:48,579 --> 01:01:52,250
♪ Without him, there'd be no Lunch Lady
In Lunch Lady Land ♪
1486
01:01:52,333 --> 01:01:54,544
♪ You know who I'm thinking about ♪
1487
01:01:54,627 --> 01:01:57,797
♪ I'm thinking about my boy Chris Farley ♪
1488
01:01:57,880 --> 01:01:58,881
[cheering]
1489
01:02:34,250 --> 01:02:36,169
[man] I love you, Sandman!
1490
01:03:04,906 --> 01:03:06,407
[cheers and applause]
1491
01:03:18,795 --> 01:03:21,464
♪ After a show
He'd drink a quart of Jack Daniels ♪
1492
01:03:21,547 --> 01:03:23,800
♪ And stick the bottle right up his ass ♪
1493
01:03:23,883 --> 01:03:25,051
[laughter]
1494
01:03:26,511 --> 01:03:29,013
♪ But hungover as hell
That Catholic boy ♪
1495
01:03:29,096 --> 01:03:31,891
♪ Always showed up to morning mass ♪
1496
01:03:34,477 --> 01:03:38,689
♪ We'd tell him, "Slow down
You'll end up like Belushi and Candy ♪
1497
01:03:38,773 --> 01:03:40,733
♪ He said, "Those guys are my heroes" ♪
1498
01:03:40,817 --> 01:03:42,777
♪ That's all fine and dandy ♪
1499
01:03:42,860 --> 01:03:44,612
♪ I ain't making that shit up ♪
1500
01:03:44,695 --> 01:03:47,949
♪ That's the truth
About my boy Chris Farley ♪
1501
01:03:48,032 --> 01:03:49,617
[cheers and applause]
1502
01:03:51,828 --> 01:03:55,998
♪ I saw him in the office
Crying with his headphones on ♪
1503
01:03:56,082 --> 01:03:59,710
♪ Listening
To a KC and the Sunshine Band song ♪
1504
01:03:59,794 --> 01:04:03,506
♪ I said buddy, "How the hell
Is that making you so sad?" ♪
1505
01:04:04,090 --> 01:04:05,466
♪ Then he laughed and said ♪
1506
01:04:05,967 --> 01:04:07,969
♪ Just thinking about my dad ♪
1507
01:04:13,015 --> 01:04:14,433
[applause]
1508
01:04:18,688 --> 01:04:21,148
♪ The last big hang we had ♪
1509
01:04:21,232 --> 01:04:23,818
♪ Was at Timmy Meadows' wedding party ♪
1510
01:04:26,571 --> 01:04:29,574
♪ We laughed our balls off
All night long ♪
1511
01:04:29,657 --> 01:04:31,659
♪ Off the coast of Florida ♪
1512
01:04:34,328 --> 01:04:36,247
♪ But a few months later ♪
1513
01:04:36,330 --> 01:04:38,583
♪ The party came to an end ♪
1514
01:04:38,666 --> 01:04:40,585
♪ We flew out to Madison ♪
1515
01:04:40,668 --> 01:04:42,670
♪ To bury our friend ♪
1516
01:04:42,753 --> 01:04:46,591
♪ Nothing was harder than saying goodbye ♪
1517
01:04:46,674 --> 01:04:51,512
♪ Except watching Chris' father
Have his turn to cry ♪
1518
01:04:52,722 --> 01:04:55,516
♪ Mmm ♪
1519
01:05:02,315 --> 01:05:04,692
♪ Hey, buddy, life's moved on ♪
1520
01:05:04,775 --> 01:05:07,820
♪ But you still bring us so much joy ♪
1521
01:05:07,904 --> 01:05:09,363
[cheers and applause]
1522
01:05:10,489 --> 01:05:13,826
♪ Make my kids laugh
With your YouTube clips ♪
1523
01:05:13,910 --> 01:05:16,037
♪ Or Tommy Boy ♪
1524
01:05:16,120 --> 01:05:18,414
[cheers and applause]
1525
01:05:18,497 --> 01:05:22,460
♪ Well, when they ask me
Who's the funniest guy I ever knew ♪
1526
01:05:22,543 --> 01:05:26,505
♪ I tell them hands down
Without a doubt, it's you ♪
1527
01:05:26,589 --> 01:05:28,382
♪ Yeah, I miss hanging out ♪
1528
01:05:28,466 --> 01:05:30,718
♪ Watching you try to get laid ♪
1529
01:05:30,801 --> 01:05:34,430
♪ But most of all I miss
Watching you fuck with Spade ♪
1530
01:05:34,513 --> 01:05:36,265
♪ Well, it ended how you wanted ♪
1531
01:05:36,349 --> 01:05:38,893
♪ But I still wish you were here with me ♪
1532
01:05:39,477 --> 01:05:42,063
♪ And we were getting on a plane
To go shoot ♪
1533
01:05:42,146 --> 01:05:45,149
♪ Grown Ups 3 ♪
1534
01:05:45,775 --> 01:05:49,445
♪ Yeah, life ain't the same
Without you, boy ♪
1535
01:05:50,613 --> 01:05:52,990
♪ And that's why I'm singing about ♪
1536
01:05:53,074 --> 01:05:57,662
♪ I'm singing about
My friend Chris Farley ♪
1537
01:05:58,287 --> 01:06:01,082
♪ And if we make enough noise ♪
1538
01:06:01,165 --> 01:06:03,000
♪ Maybe he'll hear us ♪
1539
01:06:03,084 --> 01:06:04,251
[whistling]
1540
01:06:04,335 --> 01:06:05,378
[cheering]
1541
01:06:05,461 --> 01:06:10,549
♪ Give it up for the great ♪
1542
01:06:10,633 --> 01:06:15,054
♪ Chris Farley ♪
1543
01:06:15,137 --> 01:06:16,639
[cheers and applause]
1544
01:06:43,374 --> 01:06:46,335
By far the funniest fucking guy
of all time,
1545
01:06:46,419 --> 01:06:47,920
the Farls, man.
1546
01:06:48,462 --> 01:06:50,047
Yeah, baby, so thank you.
1547
01:06:50,131 --> 01:06:54,010
I couldn't wait to sing that to you guys,
and I knew it would be special here.
1548
01:06:54,093 --> 01:06:55,011
And thank you.
1549
01:06:55,094 --> 01:06:56,846
[cheers and applause]
1550
01:06:59,557 --> 01:07:01,225
He was the best. He was the best.
1551
01:07:01,308 --> 01:07:04,478
Okay, you guys,
I'm gonna sing you this song right now.
1552
01:07:04,562 --> 01:07:06,397
This is the kind of a sweet song.
1553
01:07:06,480 --> 01:07:11,110
I sing it to my wife, because she lets me
talk about so many things
1554
01:07:11,193 --> 01:07:13,195
in front of you people. [laughs]
1555
01:07:13,279 --> 01:07:14,822
And she doesn't even get mad at me.
1556
01:07:14,905 --> 01:07:16,407
She's pretty damn cool.
So here we go.
1557
01:07:18,200 --> 01:07:20,453
♪ I met you 20 years ago ♪
1558
01:07:20,536 --> 01:07:22,371
♪ And we talked all night ♪
1559
01:07:23,205 --> 01:07:24,582
♪ You drank me under the table ♪
1560
01:07:24,665 --> 01:07:26,792
♪ Yeah, it was love at first sight ♪
1561
01:07:26,876 --> 01:07:29,170
♪ I knew right then and there ♪
1562
01:07:29,837 --> 01:07:32,757
♪ I'd grow old with you ♪
1563
01:07:32,840 --> 01:07:34,175
[cheers and applause]
1564
01:07:35,301 --> 01:07:37,428
♪ I said I'd tell you jokes ♪
1565
01:07:37,511 --> 01:07:39,847
♪ Whenever you are sad ♪
1566
01:07:39,930 --> 01:07:43,476
♪ Make you a mom if you made me a dad ♪
1567
01:07:43,559 --> 01:07:46,062
♪ Oh, it's been so much fun ♪
1568
01:07:47,021 --> 01:07:50,066
♪ Growing old with you ♪
1569
01:07:50,149 --> 01:07:50,983
♪ Oh, oh ♪
1570
01:07:51,067 --> 01:07:52,068
[cheering]
1571
01:07:52,151 --> 01:07:54,195
♪ I love you ♪
1572
01:07:54,278 --> 01:07:56,155
♪ Foot rub you ♪
1573
01:07:56,655 --> 01:08:00,242
♪ Tell you you're the only one
I'm thinking of ♪
1574
01:08:00,326 --> 01:08:02,453
♪ Make big decisions with you ♪
1575
01:08:02,536 --> 01:08:04,538
♪ Try new positions with you ♪
1576
01:08:04,622 --> 01:08:05,498
[laughs]
1577
01:08:06,415 --> 01:08:10,252
♪ Even sit and watch
Fucking Eat Pray Love ♪
1578
01:08:10,336 --> 01:08:11,295
[laughter]
1579
01:08:11,378 --> 01:08:12,922
♪ Two times in a row ♪
1580
01:08:13,005 --> 01:08:13,881
[laughter]
1581
01:08:13,964 --> 01:08:16,175
♪ Now when I'm on a diet ♪
1582
01:08:16,258 --> 01:08:18,636
♪ You take away my potatoes ♪
1583
01:08:19,386 --> 01:08:23,140
♪ Say, "Fuck all those guys"
After reading Rotten Tomatoes ♪
1584
01:08:23,641 --> 01:08:26,060
♪ I hope they all die miserable deaths ♪
1585
01:08:26,560 --> 01:08:29,772
♪ As I grow old with you ♪
1586
01:08:29,855 --> 01:08:31,232
[cheering]
1587
01:08:31,857 --> 01:08:33,692
♪ You scold me ♪
1588
01:08:33,776 --> 01:08:35,736
♪ You hold me ♪
1589
01:08:36,237 --> 01:08:40,199
♪ Look the other way
When I dress like a pimp ♪
1590
01:08:40,282 --> 01:08:41,909
♪ You cry to me ♪
1591
01:08:41,992 --> 01:08:44,203
♪ You lie to me ♪
1592
01:08:44,787 --> 01:08:46,288
♪ But only when you tell me ♪
1593
01:08:46,372 --> 01:08:47,915
♪ That the dick looks big ♪
1594
01:08:47,998 --> 01:08:49,542
[laughter]
1595
01:08:49,625 --> 01:08:50,501
[laughs]
1596
01:08:51,085 --> 01:08:53,337
♪ Now, we don't need a big house ♪
1597
01:08:53,420 --> 01:08:55,381
♪ We don't need any money ♪
1598
01:08:56,006 --> 01:08:57,925
♪ All we need is you and me ♪
1599
01:08:58,008 --> 01:09:00,010
♪ And Sadie and Sunny ♪
1600
01:09:00,094 --> 01:09:01,929
♪ I got everything I want ♪
1601
01:09:03,055 --> 01:09:05,891
♪ Growing old with you ♪
1602
01:09:05,975 --> 01:09:08,561
And this goes for all of you guys
here tonight.
1603
01:09:08,644 --> 01:09:10,604
-[man] Yeah!
-[cheering]
1604
01:09:10,688 --> 01:09:14,817
♪ Thanks for growing old with... ♪
1605
01:09:40,801 --> 01:09:44,221
♪ Me ♪
1606
01:09:44,305 --> 01:09:46,682
All right, you all, thank you so much.
1607
01:09:47,516 --> 01:09:48,601
Respect!
1608
01:09:49,768 --> 01:09:51,562
Rock and roll. I love you too.
1609
01:09:51,645 --> 01:09:53,105
Let's do it again sometime.
1610
01:09:53,772 --> 01:09:55,524
Thank you. Thank you.
1611
01:09:56,275 --> 01:09:59,570
Well, folks, I've been given the light
and I must go. But thank you very much.
1612
01:09:59,653 --> 01:10:01,030
Enjoy the rest of the show.
1613
01:10:01,113 --> 01:10:02,406
[cheers and applause]
1614
01:10:02,489 --> 01:10:04,408
[mid-tempo instrumental music plays]
1615
01:10:54,792 --> 01:10:55,918
♪ Ears ♪
1616
01:11:24,029 --> 01:11:25,239
♪ Ears ♪
1617
01:12:27,176 --> 01:12:28,260
♪ Ears ♪
1618
01:12:42,191 --> 01:12:43,359
♪ Ears ♪
1619
01:12:57,289 --> 01:12:58,957
[applause]
1620
01:13:01,668 --> 01:13:04,213
-[Sandler] I got-- Go ahead.
-Why did the chicken cross the road?
1621
01:13:04,296 --> 01:13:06,256
[Sandler] Why did the chicken
cross the road? Why?
1622
01:13:06,340 --> 01:13:10,386
Because he wanted to get
some diarrhea to eat for breakfast.
1623
01:13:10,469 --> 01:13:12,971
[Sandler laughs] Okay, your turn.
1624
01:13:13,055 --> 01:13:15,808
Hey, Dad. Hey, just so you know.
Don't forget, I'm Sadie.
1625
01:13:15,891 --> 01:13:17,935
[Sandler] Ah-ha. Go ahead, Sunny.
1626
01:13:18,018 --> 01:13:21,897
Why did the M&M walk away from me?
1627
01:13:21,980 --> 01:13:22,940
[Sandler] Why?
1628
01:13:23,023 --> 01:13:26,985
Because it wanted
to go pee on my dress.
1629
01:13:27,069 --> 01:13:28,529
[Sandler laughs]
1630
01:13:36,870 --> 01:13:38,580
Terrific.
123462
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