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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:17,225 --> 00:00:19,811 [man] Okay, ready, and... 2 00:00:21,813 --> 00:00:24,232 Take your own cue, Adam. And action, Dan! 3 00:00:24,315 --> 00:00:25,150 [piano plays] 4 00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:39,873 ♪ It was the perfect day ♪ 5 00:00:40,915 --> 00:00:42,792 ♪ You had the sweetest smile ♪ 6 00:00:43,793 --> 00:00:45,712 ♪ You were my only way ♪ 7 00:00:46,212 --> 00:00:48,673 ♪ Yeah, we were doing it in style ♪ 8 00:00:49,591 --> 00:00:52,552 ♪ We were walkin' and talkin' And jammin' and jawin' ♪ 9 00:00:52,635 --> 00:00:55,096 ♪ It was you and me against the world ♪ 10 00:00:55,513 --> 00:00:57,807 ♪ Then you got hit by an electric car ♪ 11 00:00:57,891 --> 00:00:59,851 ♪ 'Cause you didn't hear it comin' ♪ 12 00:01:00,852 --> 00:01:02,562 [laughter] 13 00:01:02,645 --> 00:01:03,480 [cheering] 14 00:01:03,563 --> 00:01:05,315 Fuck those cars. You should.... 15 00:01:05,398 --> 00:01:06,941 [cheers and applause] 16 00:01:07,025 --> 00:01:09,194 I have one. I have an electric car. 17 00:01:09,277 --> 00:01:11,863 But at least I have the decency when I'm driving, 18 00:01:11,946 --> 00:01:14,574 to put my head out the window and go, "Here comes the Sandman." 19 00:01:14,657 --> 00:01:15,492 [laughter] 20 00:01:15,575 --> 00:01:17,243 "Sandman coming. Watch out." 21 00:01:18,203 --> 00:01:20,955 How about those Tesla's now driving themselves? 22 00:01:21,039 --> 00:01:22,457 Those Teslas, that's pretty cool. 23 00:01:22,540 --> 00:01:24,542 They can drive themselves. Holy shit, man. 24 00:01:24,626 --> 00:01:27,754 I got in an accident with a Tesla and nobody was in there, 25 00:01:27,837 --> 00:01:30,965 and I didn't know who to exchange the information with... 26 00:01:31,049 --> 00:01:34,344 and I started screaming, "Hey, you fucker. What the fuck?" 27 00:01:34,427 --> 00:01:38,056 And the Tesla's, you know, fucking windshield wipers are flappin' about. 28 00:01:38,139 --> 00:01:40,391 And I was like, "What the fuck does that mean? You did it." 29 00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:42,602 And its fucking lights are going on and off. 30 00:01:42,685 --> 00:01:45,105 Like it's saying, "Okay. All right." And, uh... 31 00:01:45,188 --> 00:01:46,439 Then we go to court 32 00:01:46,523 --> 00:01:49,067 and I'm like, "I'm going to fucking destroy this thing." 33 00:01:49,150 --> 00:01:51,694 And then the Tesla shows up in a neck brace, 34 00:01:51,778 --> 00:01:53,780 and I say, "Oh, give me a fucking break. 35 00:01:53,863 --> 00:01:56,324 What a liar. He's a fucking liar." 36 00:01:56,407 --> 00:01:57,700 [piano plays] 37 00:02:00,411 --> 00:02:02,580 ♪ Oh, Grandma's roommate ♪ 38 00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:04,999 ♪ Why do you talk so much? ♪ 39 00:02:05,083 --> 00:02:06,084 [laughter] 40 00:02:06,167 --> 00:02:08,962 ♪ Don't you know I came to the nursing home ♪ 41 00:02:09,045 --> 00:02:10,797 ♪ To see my grandma ♪ 42 00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:12,465 [laughter] 43 00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:14,300 ♪ I just said hello ♪ 44 00:02:15,635 --> 00:02:17,137 ♪ To be polite ♪ 45 00:02:17,220 --> 00:02:18,138 [laughter] 46 00:02:18,221 --> 00:02:20,932 ♪ Now you're telling me That my grandma was rude ♪ 47 00:02:21,015 --> 00:02:22,475 ♪ 'Cause she didn't share ♪ 48 00:02:22,559 --> 00:02:25,186 ♪ Her unsugared candy ♪ 49 00:02:25,270 --> 00:02:26,813 [laughter] 50 00:02:26,896 --> 00:02:31,401 ♪ Well, I guess that calls For a death pillow over your face ♪ 51 00:02:31,484 --> 00:02:33,069 [laughter] 52 00:02:34,237 --> 00:02:37,073 You ever go over to somebody's house 53 00:02:37,532 --> 00:02:38,616 and, uh... 54 00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:42,787 you ring the doorbell and the guy answers, and he says, "Hey, take your shoes off"? 55 00:02:42,871 --> 00:02:44,664 And then you go, "Oh, God. Okay." 56 00:02:44,747 --> 00:02:46,541 And then he goes, "Hey, take your socks off." 57 00:02:46,624 --> 00:02:48,084 And you're like,"Take my socks off?" 58 00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:51,212 And then he goes, "Roll up your pants." You're like, "Roll my pants up?" 59 00:02:51,296 --> 00:02:53,756 He puts some grapes down, and goes, "Start stomping the grapes." 60 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:56,843 You're like, "What the fuck are we doing?" He's like, "Making the wine!" 61 00:02:57,218 --> 00:02:58,761 "You make me the wine." 62 00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:00,054 [laughter] 63 00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:04,934 [guitar strums] 64 00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:06,352 ♪ Oh, no ♪ 65 00:03:06,811 --> 00:03:08,188 ♪ Oh, no ♪ 66 00:03:08,771 --> 00:03:11,733 ♪ Oh, no, no, no, no, no ♪ 67 00:03:12,275 --> 00:03:13,985 ♪ Oh, no ♪ 68 00:03:14,068 --> 00:03:15,445 ♪ God no ♪ 69 00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:18,907 ♪ My mother's friend has a son Who just moved to Hollywood ♪ 70 00:03:18,990 --> 00:03:20,617 ♪ And she asked me to help him ♪ 71 00:03:20,700 --> 00:03:22,702 [laughter and applause] 72 00:03:22,785 --> 00:03:24,913 My wife's always putting lotion on my face. 73 00:03:24,996 --> 00:03:27,749 Don't you put a lot of lotion on your face out here in LA? 74 00:03:27,832 --> 00:03:31,044 My wife fucking really lathers on the lotion. 75 00:03:31,127 --> 00:03:32,795 She always says she's looking out for me. 76 00:03:32,879 --> 00:03:35,924 She just puts a lot of lotion. Like, there's too much. 77 00:03:36,007 --> 00:03:37,217 Doesn't rub it in either. 78 00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:39,761 She just puts it on my forehead, my cheeks, my nose... 79 00:03:39,844 --> 00:03:41,804 Then I found out, before me, 80 00:03:41,888 --> 00:03:44,349 my wife used to date a lemon meringue pie. 81 00:03:44,432 --> 00:03:45,308 And I was like-- 82 00:03:45,391 --> 00:03:46,267 [laughter] 83 00:03:46,351 --> 00:03:49,229 She still likes him. She still likes him. I know she does. 84 00:03:49,312 --> 00:03:50,396 [piano plays] 85 00:03:51,147 --> 00:03:52,440 I don't give a shit. 86 00:03:52,523 --> 00:03:53,483 [laughter] 87 00:03:53,983 --> 00:03:56,402 ♪ Daddy shaved his beard today ♪ 88 00:03:57,570 --> 00:04:00,198 ♪ Mustache and sideburns went away ♪ 89 00:04:01,616 --> 00:04:03,493 ♪ Daddy's lips are really small ♪ 90 00:04:03,576 --> 00:04:05,328 ♪ Doesn't have a chin at all ♪ 91 00:04:05,411 --> 00:04:07,121 ♪ Daddy made a big mistake ♪ 92 00:04:07,205 --> 00:04:08,706 [laughter] 93 00:04:09,916 --> 00:04:11,167 My father used to shave-- 94 00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:12,710 My dad had a beard, 95 00:04:12,794 --> 00:04:15,338 and then, literally, every ten years would shave his beard. 96 00:04:15,421 --> 00:04:18,549 Like, didn't ask us, just fucking came out of nowhere, shaved. 97 00:04:18,633 --> 00:04:21,219 It was-- Any time my father shaved his beard, 98 00:04:21,302 --> 00:04:23,513 it was the only time you saw him look vulnerable. 99 00:04:23,596 --> 00:04:25,974 When he first came out of the bathroom, he was like... 100 00:04:26,057 --> 00:04:27,308 [laughter] 101 00:04:30,436 --> 00:04:33,564 I was like, "Dad has dimples?" I didn't know Dad had dimples." 102 00:04:33,648 --> 00:04:34,774 [laughter] 103 00:04:36,943 --> 00:04:38,611 [imitates father] "It'll grow back." 104 00:04:39,195 --> 00:04:40,321 Why'd you do it? 105 00:04:41,739 --> 00:04:42,824 "I don't know. 106 00:04:42,907 --> 00:04:43,866 [laughter] 107 00:04:44,534 --> 00:04:45,618 It was... 108 00:04:46,411 --> 00:04:47,245 It was itchy." 109 00:04:47,870 --> 00:04:49,914 "It's been itchy for ten fucking years?" 110 00:04:49,998 --> 00:04:50,957 [laughter] 111 00:04:52,458 --> 00:04:55,670 I went to my friend's house and he had a heated toilet seat. 112 00:04:56,254 --> 00:04:59,882 I sat on his heated toilet seat. I've got to say it made you relax. 113 00:04:59,966 --> 00:05:02,176 I went a lot better than I usually go. 114 00:05:02,260 --> 00:05:05,179 I came out and said, "I like that heated toilet seat. Where'd you get that?" 115 00:05:05,263 --> 00:05:07,056 He goes, "I don't have a heated toilet seat." 116 00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:08,391 [laughter] 117 00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:12,020 You ever walking down the street and you say hi to a baby? 118 00:05:12,478 --> 00:05:13,313 And, uh... 119 00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:16,607 And the baby goes... [imitates baby speaking gibberish] 120 00:05:16,691 --> 00:05:18,609 And you're going, "Yeah, that's great." 121 00:05:18,693 --> 00:05:21,404 And then-- And the mother goes, "He can say 'hi' back." 122 00:05:21,487 --> 00:05:24,324 And you go, "Oh, yeah?" And the kid goes... [speaks gibberish] 123 00:05:24,407 --> 00:05:25,450 You go, "There it is." 124 00:05:25,533 --> 00:05:27,535 Then mother goes, "No, he really can say it." 125 00:05:27,618 --> 00:05:30,288 And the kid goes... [speaks gibberish] 126 00:05:30,371 --> 00:05:32,123 And you go, "Hey, that was great." 127 00:05:32,206 --> 00:05:33,875 The mother goes, "No, he really can say it." 128 00:05:33,958 --> 00:05:35,960 And the kid goes... [speaks gibberish] 129 00:05:36,044 --> 00:05:37,920 And you go, "There it is. That was it, right?" 130 00:05:38,004 --> 00:05:40,423 And the mother's like, "No! Say it. Say hi." 131 00:05:40,506 --> 00:05:42,258 And the kid's like... [speaks gibberish] 132 00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:45,470 And-- And then the mother's like, "What the fuck? Say it! 133 00:05:45,553 --> 00:05:46,679 You said it earlier!" 134 00:05:46,763 --> 00:05:49,974 And the kid's like... [speaks gibberish] 135 00:05:50,058 --> 00:05:52,894 And you're like, "Hey, that was a full sentence. That's better than 'Hi'." 136 00:05:52,977 --> 00:05:56,647 And the mother's like, "What the--? I'm so mad at you, baby!" 137 00:05:56,731 --> 00:05:57,857 [laughter] 138 00:05:57,940 --> 00:06:01,027 And then she like hands you the baby and is like, "I've got to walk this off. 139 00:06:01,110 --> 00:06:03,446 This is very discouraging for me. 140 00:06:03,905 --> 00:06:05,865 He said it earlier!" 141 00:06:05,948 --> 00:06:07,784 And you're holding the baby, like... 142 00:06:09,118 --> 00:06:11,621 "Say it. Go ahead and say it. Say, 'Hi'. 143 00:06:11,704 --> 00:06:13,790 Come on, you really upset your mother." 144 00:06:13,873 --> 00:06:15,416 And the kid's looking at you... 145 00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:18,711 And you're like, "Come on, get it out." It's gonna make her feel better. 146 00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:22,548 And the kid's like... [speaks gibberish] And you're like, "You can do it. Come on." 147 00:06:22,632 --> 00:06:26,177 And the kid's like... [speaking gibberish softly] 148 00:06:27,887 --> 00:06:28,971 [whispers] "Help me. 149 00:06:29,055 --> 00:06:30,431 [laughter] 150 00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:34,102 She-- She... 151 00:06:34,685 --> 00:06:37,480 She won't let me get vaccinated." 152 00:06:37,563 --> 00:06:39,440 [laughter] 153 00:06:39,524 --> 00:06:41,984 Come on, there's no proof that that's good or bad yet. 154 00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:43,027 [speaks gibberish] 155 00:06:43,111 --> 00:06:44,821 [raspy voice] "I've been getting sick a lot." 156 00:06:44,904 --> 00:06:46,322 [laughter] 157 00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:48,116 [piano plays] 158 00:06:50,451 --> 00:06:52,912 ♪ My hands are shaking ♪ 159 00:06:52,995 --> 00:06:55,415 ♪ My heart's beating fast ♪ 160 00:06:55,498 --> 00:06:57,750 ♪ I'm sweating through my cheap suit ♪ 161 00:06:57,834 --> 00:07:00,211 ♪ How much longer can it last? ♪ 162 00:07:00,294 --> 00:07:02,880 ♪ I'm an alcoholic lawyer ♪ 163 00:07:02,964 --> 00:07:05,466 ♪ Facing the trial of my life ♪ 164 00:07:05,550 --> 00:07:07,844 ♪ And I need to sober up quickly ♪ 165 00:07:07,927 --> 00:07:10,263 ♪ If I want to make things right ♪ 166 00:07:10,346 --> 00:07:11,931 ♪ Put the bottle down, son ♪ 167 00:07:12,014 --> 00:07:12,849 [cheering] 168 00:07:12,932 --> 00:07:15,059 ♪ There's an innocent man who needs you ♪ 169 00:07:15,143 --> 00:07:17,228 ♪ Put the bottle down, son ♪ 170 00:07:17,311 --> 00:07:18,354 [cheering] 171 00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:20,773 ♪ There's nothing left to fear ♪ 172 00:07:21,566 --> 00:07:23,025 Wait, what day is it? 173 00:07:23,109 --> 00:07:24,402 [laughter] 174 00:07:24,485 --> 00:07:25,736 Shit. 175 00:07:25,820 --> 00:07:27,655 The trial was last week. 176 00:07:28,156 --> 00:07:29,699 And he got the chair? 177 00:07:29,782 --> 00:07:31,159 [laughter] 178 00:07:31,242 --> 00:07:36,539 ♪ Well, let's have a few whiskey sours In his memory ♪ 179 00:07:37,165 --> 00:07:38,666 [cheers and applause] 180 00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:41,878 My wife and I, we fool around pretty hardcore. 181 00:07:41,961 --> 00:07:43,463 We go at a pretty good. It's fun. 182 00:07:44,046 --> 00:07:47,467 You know, it's nice. We love each other, and we fucking go pretty hard and... 183 00:07:47,550 --> 00:07:48,509 [laughter] 184 00:07:48,593 --> 00:07:51,846 It gets crazy. It gets pretty fucking nuts in there 185 00:07:51,929 --> 00:07:53,514 because it's only me and her, nobody else. 186 00:07:53,598 --> 00:07:55,892 So, we're like, "Let's fucking-- Let's do it all," you know? 187 00:07:55,975 --> 00:07:58,311 We do, uh-- We do have a safe word. 188 00:07:58,394 --> 00:07:59,312 It's, "Really?" 189 00:07:59,395 --> 00:08:00,646 [laughter] 190 00:08:02,398 --> 00:08:05,526 My whole life, I always wanted to be able to do a flip. 191 00:08:05,610 --> 00:08:06,569 Wouldn't that be great? 192 00:08:06,652 --> 00:08:09,280 I was always growing up, going, "Man, I've got to get a flip going. 193 00:08:09,363 --> 00:08:12,283 Everybody will love me if I could just do a flip." 194 00:08:12,366 --> 00:08:14,785 Everybody would be like, "Whoa, did you see the Sandman? 195 00:08:14,869 --> 00:08:16,370 He popped out a flip." 196 00:08:16,454 --> 00:08:19,457 I just wanted to be in a fucking Marshalls or something, 197 00:08:19,540 --> 00:08:21,876 buying some cheap clothes and going, "Hey, watch this." 198 00:08:21,959 --> 00:08:24,795 Pop a flip and have the fucking lady at the cash register go, 199 00:08:24,879 --> 00:08:26,881 "Did you fucking see that kid with the flip?" 200 00:08:26,964 --> 00:08:29,050 I'd be like. "Hey, I do it all the time." 201 00:08:29,133 --> 00:08:32,553 But I never got that one down, man. I wish I did. 202 00:08:32,637 --> 00:08:35,348 Always I was like-- I didn't know how to fucking practice. 203 00:08:35,431 --> 00:08:36,599 That was the problem. 204 00:08:36,682 --> 00:08:41,062 I didn't know how to do my first try. I would always get to right about here, 205 00:08:41,145 --> 00:08:43,231 and then go, "Ah, I don't know. I'm gonna get hurt." 206 00:08:43,314 --> 00:08:46,192 And when I got older, I wanted to learn how to speak fluent Italian too. 207 00:08:46,275 --> 00:08:47,777 And I did that. I mastered that. 208 00:08:47,860 --> 00:08:50,613 So, I'm in Italy, and I meet the Pope himself, 209 00:08:50,696 --> 00:08:52,365 and in fluent Italian, I say to him, 210 00:08:52,448 --> 00:08:54,617 "Hey, I love what you've done for the Church. 211 00:08:54,700 --> 00:08:56,827 I love what you you're doing for the world. 212 00:08:56,911 --> 00:08:58,913 America says, 'Hello.' 213 00:08:58,996 --> 00:09:00,540 Um... 214 00:09:00,623 --> 00:09:02,166 Am I getting into heaven?" 215 00:09:02,250 --> 00:09:04,752 And in Italian he says, "Can you do a flip?" 216 00:09:04,835 --> 00:09:07,713 And I was like, "Madonne!" 217 00:09:07,797 --> 00:09:08,839 [laughter] 218 00:09:09,340 --> 00:09:10,800 Shit. 219 00:09:10,883 --> 00:09:13,594 Did you ever have a friend who rescues too many animals 220 00:09:13,678 --> 00:09:15,304 and, like, never can do anything? 221 00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:17,557 "Hey, you want to go out in a couple days?" 222 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,642 "Ah, no, my chicken's eye fell out 223 00:09:19,725 --> 00:09:22,353 and I've got to paste it back on." 224 00:09:22,436 --> 00:09:24,272 "Oh, okay. That shouldn't take that long." 225 00:09:24,355 --> 00:09:27,108 "Well, one of the ducks, she isn't quacking, so... 226 00:09:27,191 --> 00:09:28,192 [laughter] 227 00:09:28,276 --> 00:09:29,694 I've got to look-- [laughs] 228 00:09:29,777 --> 00:09:31,654 I've got to look into that." 229 00:09:36,534 --> 00:09:37,952 Okay. [laughs] 230 00:09:38,953 --> 00:09:39,954 Dling! 231 00:09:40,705 --> 00:09:42,456 By the way, I never met this man. 232 00:09:42,540 --> 00:09:43,624 [laughter] 233 00:09:45,084 --> 00:09:47,837 Uh, this one is kind of a Bee Gee-esque tune. 234 00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:49,964 Kind of a... You like the Bee Gees out there? 235 00:09:50,047 --> 00:09:51,966 -I always liked the Bee Gees. -[cheering] 236 00:09:52,049 --> 00:09:52,883 ♪ Slow ♪ 237 00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:54,468 -♪ Slow ♪ -♪ Slow ♪ 238 00:09:54,552 --> 00:09:55,595 -♪ Slow ♪ -♪ Slow ♪ 239 00:09:56,178 --> 00:09:57,430 ♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪ 240 00:09:57,513 --> 00:10:00,433 -♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪ -♪ Slow ♪ 241 00:10:00,516 --> 00:10:01,851 -♪ Slow ♪ -[vocalizing] 242 00:10:01,934 --> 00:10:03,227 ♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪ 243 00:10:03,311 --> 00:10:05,062 ♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪ 244 00:10:05,146 --> 00:10:06,897 ♪ Slow, slow ♪ 245 00:10:06,981 --> 00:10:09,817 -♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪ -♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪ 246 00:10:10,693 --> 00:10:13,404 -♪ Slow, slow ♪ -♪ Mr. Slow ♪ 247 00:10:13,487 --> 00:10:16,991 -♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪ -♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪ 248 00:10:17,908 --> 00:10:20,911 ♪ I'm the slow motion man ♪ 249 00:10:20,995 --> 00:10:22,663 ♪ In the crosswalk ♪ 250 00:10:22,747 --> 00:10:24,165 [laughter] 251 00:10:24,248 --> 00:10:27,835 ♪ Walking just as slow as I can ♪ 252 00:10:27,918 --> 00:10:29,003 [laughter] 253 00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:32,006 ♪ Holding up the traffic ♪ 254 00:10:32,089 --> 00:10:34,425 ♪ As I walk across the street ♪ 255 00:10:34,508 --> 00:10:35,551 [laughter] 256 00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:37,720 ♪ Hardly even seems ♪ 257 00:10:37,803 --> 00:10:40,723 ♪ Like I'm picking up my feet ♪ 258 00:10:40,806 --> 00:10:45,686 ♪ I'm the slow motion man In the crosswalk ♪ 259 00:10:45,770 --> 00:10:47,146 [laughter] 260 00:10:47,229 --> 00:10:51,067 ♪ California laws will protect me ♪ 261 00:10:51,150 --> 00:10:52,276 [laughter] 262 00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:53,402 [applause] 263 00:10:54,570 --> 00:10:57,531 ♪ Then an earthquake hits ♪ 264 00:10:57,615 --> 00:10:59,909 ♪ And I fall deep in a crack ♪ 265 00:11:00,576 --> 00:11:04,246 ♪ And everybody cheers 'cause I'm dead ♪ 266 00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:05,915 [laughter] 267 00:11:05,998 --> 00:11:08,167 ♪ Slow, slow ♪ 268 00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:11,170 ♪ Dying so slow ♪ 269 00:11:11,253 --> 00:11:12,171 [laughter] 270 00:11:12,254 --> 00:11:13,881 -[cheers and applause] -Thank you. 271 00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:18,427 ♪ Come on, right ♪ 272 00:11:18,928 --> 00:11:20,930 ♪ That's right, feel that shit ♪ 273 00:11:21,013 --> 00:11:22,765 ♪ Unh, right ♪ 274 00:11:22,848 --> 00:11:24,225 ♪ Come on, Daddy ♪ 275 00:11:24,809 --> 00:11:27,019 ♪ Join in on this motherfucker Would you? ♪ 276 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:29,146 ♪ Yeah, yeah-yeah, yeah ♪ 277 00:11:29,230 --> 00:11:30,314 ♪ So, let's go ♪ 278 00:11:30,398 --> 00:11:32,191 ♪ My Uber driver smells bad ♪ 279 00:11:32,274 --> 00:11:33,818 ♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪ 280 00:11:33,901 --> 00:11:35,403 ♪ Got a smelly Uber driver ♪ 281 00:11:35,486 --> 00:11:36,904 ♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪ 282 00:11:36,987 --> 00:11:38,447 -♪ Yeah ♪ -♪ A smelly Uber driver ♪ 283 00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:40,574 -♪ Yeah, that's right ♪ -♪ Got a  smelly Uber driver ♪ 284 00:11:40,658 --> 00:11:41,992 ♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪ 285 00:11:42,076 --> 00:11:43,494 ♪ Got a smelly Uber driver ♪ 286 00:11:43,577 --> 00:11:46,706 ♪ He got a free water If you want a drink drink ♪ 287 00:11:46,789 --> 00:11:48,374 ♪ You know, what else he got ♪ 288 00:11:48,457 --> 00:11:49,875 ♪ He got a stink stink ♪ 289 00:11:49,959 --> 00:11:53,295 -♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪ -♪ God damn, what the fuck? ♪ 290 00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:54,880 -♪ Got a smelly Uber driver ♪ -♪ Yeah ♪ 291 00:11:54,964 --> 00:11:56,173 ♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪ 292 00:11:56,257 --> 00:11:57,800 ♪ Right when I got inside ♪ 293 00:11:57,883 --> 00:11:59,468 ♪ I was like, "Uh-oh" ♪ 294 00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:01,178 ♪ This Honda Civic smells ♪ 295 00:12:01,262 --> 00:12:02,930 ♪ Just like a butthole ♪ 296 00:12:03,013 --> 00:12:06,016 -♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪ -♪ What the fuck? Now, come on ♪ 297 00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:07,977 -♪ Got a smelly Uber driver ♪ -♪ Locked window ♪ 298 00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:09,061 ♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪ 299 00:12:09,145 --> 00:12:10,771 ♪ He rock the Google Maps ♪ 300 00:12:10,855 --> 00:12:12,106 ♪ He rock the window tint ♪ 301 00:12:12,189 --> 00:12:15,484 ♪ One thing he doesn't rock Is that deodorant ♪ 302 00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:18,320 -♪ God damn, Speed Stick that shit ♪ -♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪ 303 00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:20,573 -♪ What the fuck? Come on ♪ -♪ Got a smelly Uber driver ♪ 304 00:12:20,656 --> 00:12:21,741 ♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪ 305 00:12:21,824 --> 00:12:23,617 ♪ I need the iPhone charged ♪ 306 00:12:23,701 --> 00:12:24,994 ♪ I pass the cord back ♪ 307 00:12:25,077 --> 00:12:26,746 ♪ And when you take a bath ♪ 308 00:12:26,829 --> 00:12:28,372 ♪ Scrub the nutsack ♪ 309 00:12:28,456 --> 00:12:30,291 -♪ Scrub your nutsack ♪ -♪ What the fuck? ♪ 310 00:12:30,374 --> 00:12:32,334 -♪ Scrub your nutsack ♪ -♪ Common courtesy ♪ 311 00:12:32,418 --> 00:12:34,420 ♪ This shit got germs ♪ 312 00:12:34,503 --> 00:12:36,464 ♪ I can't believe the smell ♪ 313 00:12:36,547 --> 00:12:37,798 ♪ In these Uber cars ♪ 314 00:12:37,882 --> 00:12:39,550 ♪ Oh, wait, I shit my pants ♪ 315 00:12:39,633 --> 00:12:41,385 ♪ I'll give him five stars ♪ 316 00:12:41,469 --> 00:12:42,636 ♪ Give him five stars ♪ 317 00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:44,388 -♪ Damn ♪ -♪ Give him five stars ♪ 318 00:12:44,472 --> 00:12:45,890 ♪ Turns out the smell was me ♪ 319 00:12:45,973 --> 00:12:47,725 ♪ Better give him five stars ♪ 320 00:12:47,808 --> 00:12:53,898 ♪ Word up, motherfucker, yeah ♪ 321 00:12:53,981 --> 00:12:55,024 [cheers and applause] 322 00:12:55,107 --> 00:12:56,066 [clears throat] 323 00:12:56,150 --> 00:12:56,984 Oh, yes. 324 00:12:57,067 --> 00:12:58,194 [piano plays] 325 00:12:58,277 --> 00:13:01,322 ♪ Oh, cotton candy making me randy ♪ 326 00:13:01,405 --> 00:13:03,032 -♪ Multicolored lolli-- ♪ -[music skips] 327 00:13:03,115 --> 00:13:05,326 -What the hell happened? -I fucked it up. 328 00:13:05,409 --> 00:13:06,327 [piano plays] 329 00:13:06,410 --> 00:13:08,329 No! You don't just start over! 330 00:13:08,412 --> 00:13:10,539 You apologize to me! 331 00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:14,335 You don't just do that to the Sandman! 332 00:13:14,418 --> 00:13:15,461 [laughter] 333 00:13:16,253 --> 00:13:17,338 Okay. 334 00:13:17,421 --> 00:13:19,298 Let's start again. We'll cut around it. 335 00:13:19,381 --> 00:13:20,341 Not yet! 336 00:13:20,424 --> 00:13:21,509 [laughter] 337 00:13:21,592 --> 00:13:22,426 Hit it! 338 00:13:22,927 --> 00:13:24,303 -[piano plays] -Hoo! 339 00:13:24,386 --> 00:13:26,013 Yes, yes, yes. 340 00:13:26,096 --> 00:13:28,933 ♪ Oh, cotton candy making me randy  ♪ 341 00:13:29,016 --> 00:13:32,228 ♪ Multicolor lollipop Gobstopper never stop ♪ 342 00:13:32,311 --> 00:13:33,562 ♪ Red attire-- ♪ 343 00:13:34,313 --> 00:13:35,856 I fucked up. All right, sorry. 344 00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:37,274 Fuck that shit! 345 00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:39,568 The Sandman don't fuck up. 346 00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:41,028 [laughter] 347 00:13:41,529 --> 00:13:43,447 Ooh, from the top. 348 00:13:43,531 --> 00:13:45,199 -[laughs] -[piano plays] 349 00:13:46,951 --> 00:13:50,120 ♪ Oh, cotton candy making me randy ♪ 350 00:13:50,204 --> 00:13:53,207 ♪ Multicolor lollipop Gobstopper never stop ♪ 351 00:13:53,290 --> 00:13:56,168 ♪ Reese's Pieces, Charleston Chew Butterfinger, Snickers too ♪ 352 00:13:56,252 --> 00:13:57,837 ♪ Red Atomic Fireball ♪ 353 00:13:57,920 --> 00:13:59,421 ♪ I want to eat them all ♪ 354 00:13:59,505 --> 00:14:01,674 ♪ Give me a green Jolly Rancher ♪ 355 00:14:01,757 --> 00:14:02,716 Let me hear you. 356 00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:04,885 [cheering] 357 00:14:04,969 --> 00:14:05,803 Let's go. 358 00:14:05,886 --> 00:14:07,012 [sings indistinctly] 359 00:14:07,096 --> 00:14:08,556 ♪ Laffy Taffy, Lemonhead ♪ 360 00:14:08,639 --> 00:14:10,099 ♪ Cadbury Eggs will hatch ♪ 361 00:14:10,182 --> 00:14:11,559 ♪ Kids from the Sourpatch ♪ 362 00:14:11,642 --> 00:14:13,060 ♪ Milk Duds and Swedish Fish ♪ 363 00:14:13,143 --> 00:14:14,687 ♪ Gummy bears and licorice ♪ 364 00:14:14,770 --> 00:14:17,648 ♪ If you got a Kit Kat I would like a taste of that ♪ 365 00:14:17,731 --> 00:14:20,526 ♪ The doctor says I got diabetes ♪ 366 00:14:20,609 --> 00:14:22,486 [laughter] 367 00:14:22,570 --> 00:14:23,404 Thank you. 368 00:14:23,487 --> 00:14:26,365 Yeah, okay, we did that again. I think that was better than the first time. 369 00:14:26,448 --> 00:14:28,492 Do you? Yes, yes. Absolutely. 370 00:14:28,576 --> 00:14:30,536 -[piano plays] -Okay, here comes a song. 371 00:14:32,246 --> 00:14:33,122 More dancing. 372 00:14:33,205 --> 00:14:34,290 [cheering] 373 00:14:34,999 --> 00:14:38,210 ♪ Yeah, let's hear you, Ohio ♪ 374 00:14:38,294 --> 00:14:41,589 ♪ Ohio ♪ 375 00:14:41,672 --> 00:14:42,965 Yes, sir. 376 00:14:43,048 --> 00:14:44,884 Here we go, here we go, here we go. 377 00:14:45,551 --> 00:14:46,677 Should we clap along? 378 00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:48,304 [audience claps along] 379 00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:51,348 -All right, let's lose that. I hate it. -[laughter] 380 00:14:51,432 --> 00:14:52,850 Sorry. [laughs] 381 00:14:52,933 --> 00:14:54,018 You were right on it. 382 00:14:54,101 --> 00:14:56,645 It's a thing of mine, man. I don't fucking like that shit. 383 00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:58,022 It was startling me. 384 00:14:58,981 --> 00:15:02,818 ♪ Well, we all know a guy Who shaves his chest ♪ 385 00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:06,238 ♪ We all know a guy Who wears a leather vest ♪ 386 00:15:06,322 --> 00:15:10,701 ♪ We all know a guy Who knows a lot about coffee ♪ 387 00:15:10,784 --> 00:15:12,411 [laughter] 388 00:15:13,203 --> 00:15:16,415 ♪ We all know a stud Who would fight anyone ♪ 389 00:15:16,498 --> 00:15:20,169 ♪ We all know a fool Who wears his hair in a bun ♪ 390 00:15:20,252 --> 00:15:21,587 ♪ We all know a guy ♪ 391 00:15:21,670 --> 00:15:24,506 ♪ Who says he fucked his babysitter When he was 12 ♪ 392 00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:25,716 [laughter] 393 00:15:26,842 --> 00:15:30,387 ♪ Yeah, we all know a guy Who wears too much cologne ♪ 394 00:15:30,971 --> 00:15:34,683 ♪ We all know a guy Who's better when he's stoned ♪ 395 00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:38,562 ♪ We all know a guy who hugs your wife Five seconds too long ♪ 396 00:15:38,646 --> 00:15:40,314 [audience laughs, clapping along] 397 00:15:41,106 --> 00:15:44,693 ♪ Well, we all know a guy Who's starting a band ♪ 398 00:15:45,277 --> 00:15:48,113 ♪ We all know a guy who's missing a hand ♪ 399 00:15:48,822 --> 00:15:50,908 ♪ We all know a guy who doesn't work ♪ 400 00:15:50,991 --> 00:15:53,285 ♪ But still goes twice a year to Ibiza ♪ 401 00:15:53,369 --> 00:15:55,037 [laughter] 402 00:15:55,996 --> 00:15:59,500 ♪ We all know a guy Who said he almost went pro ♪ 403 00:15:59,583 --> 00:16:03,128 ♪ We all know a guy with a red afro ♪ 404 00:16:03,212 --> 00:16:07,549 ♪ We all know a guy who's dick color Doesn't match his body ♪ 405 00:16:07,633 --> 00:16:08,884 [laughter] 406 00:16:10,302 --> 00:16:13,430 ♪ We all know a guy Whose hair always looks wet ♪ 407 00:16:14,014 --> 00:16:17,059 ♪ We all know a guy with a pig as a pet ♪ 408 00:16:17,601 --> 00:16:22,022 ♪ We all know a guy who knows a guy Who says he knows Guy Fieri ♪ 409 00:16:22,106 --> 00:16:23,524 [laughter] 410 00:16:27,903 --> 00:16:31,949 ♪ And we all know a guy With weird allergies ♪ 411 00:16:32,032 --> 00:16:35,202 ♪ We all know a guy Who sneezes in threes ♪ 412 00:16:35,285 --> 00:16:37,204 ♪ So how come we don't know ♪ 413 00:16:37,287 --> 00:16:40,290 ♪ Who my real father is? ♪ 414 00:16:40,374 --> 00:16:41,792 [laughter] 415 00:16:41,875 --> 00:16:43,669 No! 416 00:16:44,378 --> 00:16:45,587 Thank you. Thank you. 417 00:16:45,671 --> 00:16:47,214 [cheers and applause] 418 00:16:48,924 --> 00:16:52,761 I'm a triple threat though. You didn't know I could dance that fucking good. 419 00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:54,722 Took many lessons growing up, man. 420 00:16:56,015 --> 00:16:57,641 [laughter and cheering] 421 00:16:57,725 --> 00:16:59,476 The hula-- The hula hoop. 422 00:17:00,894 --> 00:17:03,313 Hula hoop, by the way, is very horny looking. 423 00:17:03,397 --> 00:17:05,649 When I'm at my fucking kids' birthday parties 424 00:17:05,733 --> 00:17:07,776 and some kid gives me a hula hoop 425 00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:10,571 and I'm doing it, I feel so fucking gross. I'm going... 426 00:17:10,654 --> 00:17:12,156 [laughter] 427 00:17:12,239 --> 00:17:15,242 You see other parents like, "What the fuck?" 428 00:17:15,325 --> 00:17:16,368 [laughter] 429 00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:21,331 Do you ever play miniature golf with your daughter 430 00:17:21,832 --> 00:17:23,667 and you're tied on the 18th hole? 431 00:17:23,751 --> 00:17:24,918 [laughter] 432 00:17:25,669 --> 00:17:28,297 And in the middle of her backswing, 433 00:17:28,380 --> 00:17:31,550 you just say, "Hey, I tea-bagged your mother this morning." 434 00:17:31,633 --> 00:17:32,885 [laughter] 435 00:17:34,261 --> 00:17:35,262 And then-- 436 00:17:35,345 --> 00:17:38,223 And then the kid sinks the putt and goes, "Yeah, I know, I saw." 437 00:17:38,307 --> 00:17:39,767 [laughter] 438 00:17:39,850 --> 00:17:43,353 And you're like, "This kid stays concentrated." 439 00:17:43,937 --> 00:17:46,648 She's fucking good. She's got focus. She could be somebody. 440 00:17:46,732 --> 00:17:47,566 [piano plays] 441 00:17:47,649 --> 00:17:49,943 Are there married folks out there tonight? 442 00:17:50,027 --> 00:17:51,028 Married folks. 443 00:17:51,111 --> 00:17:54,073 -[cheering] -I love it. Okay, this is for you guys. 444 00:17:56,033 --> 00:17:57,409 ♪ You tell me I'm wrong ♪ 445 00:17:57,868 --> 00:17:59,453 ♪ But I know I'm right ♪ 446 00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:01,997 ♪ You say, "No fucking way" ♪ 447 00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:04,083 ♪ But I insist that I'm right ♪ 448 00:18:04,666 --> 00:18:06,376 ♪ So I pull out my phone ♪ 449 00:18:07,044 --> 00:18:08,629 ♪ And I look it up ♪ 450 00:18:08,712 --> 00:18:10,214 [laughter] 451 00:18:10,297 --> 00:18:12,549 ♪ I right away see I was wrong ♪ 452 00:18:13,383 --> 00:18:15,594 ♪ But I pretend I can't find the answer ♪ 453 00:18:15,677 --> 00:18:17,012 [laughter] 454 00:18:19,139 --> 00:18:21,725 ♪ So I fake like I'm still looking ♪ 455 00:18:21,809 --> 00:18:23,977 ♪ And you say, "So who's right?" ♪ 456 00:18:24,061 --> 00:18:25,771 ♪ I say, "My phone sucks" ♪ 457 00:18:25,854 --> 00:18:28,190 ♪ And blame AT&T reception ♪ 458 00:18:28,273 --> 00:18:30,067 [laughter] 459 00:18:30,651 --> 00:18:32,361 ♪ Then you start to look it up ♪ 460 00:18:32,444 --> 00:18:36,448 ♪ So I just grab your phone And drop it into a glass of iced tea ♪ 461 00:18:37,074 --> 00:18:38,450 [cheers and applause] 462 00:18:38,534 --> 00:18:39,409 Thank you. 463 00:18:39,493 --> 00:18:41,078 Marriage is good, guys. 464 00:18:41,161 --> 00:18:42,162 Marriage is good. 465 00:18:42,246 --> 00:18:43,997 You'll like it one day if you're not married. 466 00:18:44,081 --> 00:18:46,750 You just got to keep it mysterious. You got to keep the mystery alive. 467 00:18:46,834 --> 00:18:49,878 Like, my wife has no idea where I go for weeks at a time. 468 00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:53,757 -It's fucking-- It's a big mystery. -[man] You tell her where you are tonight? 469 00:18:53,841 --> 00:18:55,300 Yeah, she knows I'm here. 470 00:18:55,384 --> 00:18:56,552 My kids don't. 471 00:18:56,635 --> 00:18:58,720 I just said I was going downstairs to get an apple. 472 00:18:58,804 --> 00:19:00,055 [laughter] 473 00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:00,973 [laughs] 474 00:19:02,015 --> 00:19:05,227 I always get these emails from the kids' school that I've got to come in. 475 00:19:05,310 --> 00:19:06,895 "It's Terrific Tuesday... 476 00:19:07,521 --> 00:19:08,814 Make sure you come in." 477 00:19:08,897 --> 00:19:11,400 And you're like, Terrific-- What the fuck is Terrific Tuesday? 478 00:19:11,483 --> 00:19:12,901 Well, you come by the school 479 00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:14,945 and you tell the kids how terrific they are. 480 00:19:15,028 --> 00:19:17,990 And I'm like, "Okay, Thirsty Thursday." 481 00:19:18,532 --> 00:19:20,325 It's Thirsty Thursday. Come by. 482 00:19:20,409 --> 00:19:23,120 You know, you help the kids fill their water bottles. 483 00:19:23,203 --> 00:19:26,665 I'm like, my father literally came to school 484 00:19:26,748 --> 00:19:29,626 one fucking time my whole school career. 485 00:19:30,502 --> 00:19:33,172 He opened the door in the middle of a fucking test, 486 00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:35,632 and I hear, "Where'd you put the rake? 487 00:19:35,716 --> 00:19:36,633 [laughter] 488 00:19:36,717 --> 00:19:38,427 I'm like, "What?" 489 00:19:39,553 --> 00:19:40,804 "You put it on the nail?" 490 00:19:41,638 --> 00:19:43,265 -"I think I did." -"You think? 491 00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:44,808 "It's not there." 492 00:19:44,892 --> 00:19:46,268 [laughter] 493 00:19:46,351 --> 00:19:48,228 -"Okay." -"It's not okay." 494 00:19:50,397 --> 00:19:52,274 "I'll get it for you after school." 495 00:19:52,357 --> 00:19:53,901 "No, you'll get it now!" 496 00:19:53,984 --> 00:19:55,527 -[laughter] -[piano plays] 497 00:19:55,611 --> 00:19:56,528 Okay, here we go. 498 00:19:58,363 --> 00:20:01,825 ♪ One is a little guy hiding in a tree ♪ 499 00:20:02,326 --> 00:20:05,495 ♪ Two are together And they're swimming out to sea ♪ 500 00:20:05,579 --> 00:20:09,124 ♪ Three on a Ferris wheel Four at the zoo ♪ 501 00:20:09,708 --> 00:20:11,043 ♪ Five in my pocket ♪ 502 00:20:11,126 --> 00:20:13,086 ♪ Six in my shoe ♪ 503 00:20:13,170 --> 00:20:14,922 ♪ Seven on a mountain top ♪ 504 00:20:15,005 --> 00:20:16,757 ♪ Eight in a park ♪ 505 00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:18,634 ♪ Nine in a gondola ♪ 506 00:20:18,717 --> 00:20:20,135 ♪ Ten in the dark ♪ 507 00:20:20,636 --> 00:20:22,304 ♪ It's everywhere you go ♪ 508 00:20:22,387 --> 00:20:23,764 ♪ Everywhere you look ♪ 509 00:20:24,348 --> 00:20:26,433 ♪ Everywhere you'll find an anti-Semite ♪ 510 00:20:27,017 --> 00:20:28,268 There he is! 511 00:20:28,352 --> 00:20:30,229 [cheering] 512 00:20:30,312 --> 00:20:31,730 [whistling] 513 00:20:31,813 --> 00:20:32,648 Joking. 514 00:20:32,731 --> 00:20:35,275 He's not. Leave him alone. Get the fucking lights off of him. 515 00:20:35,359 --> 00:20:36,818 He seems like a decent man. 516 00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:37,736 [laughter] 517 00:20:37,819 --> 00:20:38,654 Sorry. 518 00:20:41,823 --> 00:20:43,408 ♪ I am gonna read a book ♪ 519 00:20:43,492 --> 00:20:45,369 ♪ Read a book, read a book ♪ 520 00:20:45,452 --> 00:20:47,120 ♪ Gonna be a better man ♪ 521 00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:49,248 ♪ Better man than I am ♪ 522 00:20:49,331 --> 00:20:51,124 ♪ So I go to Amazon ♪ 523 00:20:51,208 --> 00:20:53,043 ♪ Amazon dot com ♪ 524 00:20:53,126 --> 00:20:54,836 ♪ And I buy a dozen books ♪ 525 00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:56,964 ♪ Lots of books, smart books ♪ 526 00:20:57,047 --> 00:20:58,840 ♪ They will ship them right away ♪ 527 00:20:58,924 --> 00:21:00,759 ♪ Right away, in a day ♪ 528 00:21:00,842 --> 00:21:02,552 ♪ And I have Amazon Prime ♪ 529 00:21:02,636 --> 00:21:04,721 ♪ So it doesn't cost a dime ♪ 530 00:21:04,805 --> 00:21:06,598 ♪ So I look at my new book ♪ 531 00:21:06,682 --> 00:21:08,392 ♪ Take a look at my book ♪ 532 00:21:08,475 --> 00:21:10,519 ♪ Right away I tune out ♪ 533 00:21:10,602 --> 00:21:12,521 ♪ Don't like reading, get distracted ♪ 534 00:21:12,604 --> 00:21:14,356 ♪ So I turn on my TV ♪ 535 00:21:14,439 --> 00:21:16,233 ♪ TV good, reading bad ♪ 536 00:21:16,316 --> 00:21:18,360 ♪ And I watch Property Brothers ♪ 537 00:21:18,443 --> 00:21:20,821 ♪ For 11 fucking hours ♪ 538 00:21:20,904 --> 00:21:22,406 [cheers and applause] 539 00:21:22,990 --> 00:21:23,949 Hello. 540 00:21:24,616 --> 00:21:25,450 You ever... 541 00:21:26,034 --> 00:21:27,619 How about the times you wake up... 542 00:21:27,703 --> 00:21:29,454 Ever wake up like 4:30 in the morning 543 00:21:29,538 --> 00:21:32,165 and you're like, "God damn it. What am I doing up right now?" 544 00:21:32,249 --> 00:21:34,001 4:30, can't fall asleep... 545 00:21:34,084 --> 00:21:35,752 I'm fucking ruined for the day. 546 00:21:35,836 --> 00:21:38,630 Ever do one of those things where you go, "Let me just get out of bed," 547 00:21:38,714 --> 00:21:42,050 and live like those people who always go, "Hey, I get up at 4:30 every day. 548 00:21:42,134 --> 00:21:43,844 I do that for me. That's me time. 549 00:21:43,927 --> 00:21:45,470 I spend the morning alone. 550 00:21:45,554 --> 00:21:48,807 That's my time and it's the best. It sets me in the right mood." 551 00:21:48,890 --> 00:21:50,934 You're like, "Let me be one of those fucking pricks. 552 00:21:51,018 --> 00:21:52,394 I'll get up at 4:30." 553 00:21:52,477 --> 00:21:55,105 And you get up at 4:30 and you make yourself breakfast. 554 00:21:55,188 --> 00:21:57,899 You're like, "Wow, this is good. making breakfast. I never do that." 555 00:21:57,983 --> 00:21:59,151 And then you work out. 556 00:21:59,234 --> 00:22:00,986 You're like, "I'm working out this early. 557 00:22:01,069 --> 00:22:03,113 Holy shit. That's out of the way. That's great." 558 00:22:03,196 --> 00:22:05,490 And then you have yourself another breakfast. 559 00:22:05,574 --> 00:22:08,076 You're like, "Okay, I'm running out of shit to do." 560 00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:11,580 And then you flip on the news and you go, "There's news before the news? 561 00:22:11,663 --> 00:22:13,040 Who the fuck are these people? 562 00:22:13,123 --> 00:22:15,584 They're very good. They should be on the real news." 563 00:22:15,667 --> 00:22:18,170 Then you go outside and you see a bird eating a worm. 564 00:22:18,253 --> 00:22:19,963 You're like, "Is that the fucking early bird? 565 00:22:20,047 --> 00:22:22,883 I've been hearing about that thing for a long time." 566 00:22:22,966 --> 00:22:24,343 There he is. Holy shit." 567 00:22:24,426 --> 00:22:26,553 Then a bus shows up, and your kids get on it. 568 00:22:26,636 --> 00:22:29,931 You're like, "That's how they fucking get to school. Nobody fucking told me... 569 00:22:30,015 --> 00:22:31,933 What a day. This is interesting." 570 00:22:32,517 --> 00:22:36,688 And then it's around 11 o'clock and you're in the middle of a work meeting 571 00:22:36,772 --> 00:22:39,816 and you're like, "How long is this fucking day gonna go for? 572 00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:41,526 Let me sleep!" 573 00:22:41,610 --> 00:22:42,694 [laughter] 574 00:22:43,528 --> 00:22:48,075 My wife's grandmother turned-- she turned 101 years old, 575 00:22:48,158 --> 00:22:50,494 which is nice, 101 years old. 576 00:22:50,577 --> 00:22:52,913 -[cheers and applause] -That's good for the family, 577 00:22:52,996 --> 00:22:54,873 you know, good to have that in your genes. 578 00:22:54,956 --> 00:22:56,583 My daughter's got that great life. 579 00:22:56,666 --> 00:22:58,543 My family, we fucking die... 580 00:22:58,627 --> 00:23:02,547 I should be dead is all I'm saying. It makes no sense that I'm here right now. 581 00:23:02,631 --> 00:23:04,257 But 101 years old... 582 00:23:04,341 --> 00:23:07,928 I went to her birthday, I gave her 101 punches in the shoulder... 583 00:23:08,637 --> 00:23:10,639 Just, she kept going, "Ooh." 584 00:23:10,722 --> 00:23:14,101 And I was saying, "It's tradition. We can't break tradition, Grandma." 585 00:23:14,184 --> 00:23:16,728 She was like, "I want to break tradition." 586 00:23:16,812 --> 00:23:20,357 I was like, "Well, you can't. So, just fucking deal with 94 more." 587 00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:22,109 And bam. "Oh!" 588 00:23:22,192 --> 00:23:23,402 [laughter] 589 00:23:24,611 --> 00:23:26,071 [keyboard plays] 590 00:23:45,757 --> 00:23:51,471 ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ 591 00:23:53,265 --> 00:23:59,187 ♪ Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ 592 00:24:01,606 --> 00:24:03,733 ♪ Grandma died ♪ 593 00:24:03,817 --> 00:24:05,986 ♪ Grandma died ♪ 594 00:24:06,069 --> 00:24:09,364 ♪ Grandma died today ♪ 595 00:24:09,948 --> 00:24:13,410 ♪ How are we gonna tell the kids? ♪ 596 00:24:14,077 --> 00:24:16,788 ♪ Grandma died today ♪ 597 00:24:16,872 --> 00:24:21,918 ♪ I guess I'll go to a bingo game And steal ♪ 598 00:24:22,002 --> 00:24:25,046 ♪ Somebody else's grandma ♪ 599 00:24:25,630 --> 00:24:28,633 ♪ And hope that my dumb kids ♪ 600 00:24:28,717 --> 00:24:31,928 ♪ Can't tell the difference ♪ 601 00:24:33,305 --> 00:24:34,598 [laughs] 602 00:24:37,476 --> 00:24:40,020 What's going on? You getting this camera all set? 603 00:24:40,103 --> 00:24:41,104 Don't get hurt. 604 00:24:41,188 --> 00:24:43,482 That's a heavy fucking piece of machinery. 605 00:24:43,565 --> 00:24:44,983 It's blocking you good. 606 00:24:45,066 --> 00:24:47,777 You okay? You got your beer. That's a big fucking beer, man. 607 00:24:47,861 --> 00:24:48,695 [laughter] 608 00:24:48,778 --> 00:24:50,780 Way to go. You get loose. 609 00:24:50,864 --> 00:24:53,783 I dedicate this song to the fucking drunk guy right there. 610 00:24:53,867 --> 00:24:54,701 [laughter] 611 00:24:54,784 --> 00:24:55,744 [cheers and applause] 612 00:24:55,827 --> 00:24:57,287 Here we go. 613 00:24:57,370 --> 00:24:58,538 [rock music plays] 614 00:25:00,665 --> 00:25:01,500 Yeah. 615 00:25:04,002 --> 00:25:05,253 Shoop! 616 00:25:05,337 --> 00:25:06,421 [cheering] 617 00:25:08,924 --> 00:25:10,217 [woman] I love you! 618 00:25:12,135 --> 00:25:14,471 ♪ I am a grown man ♪ 619 00:25:14,554 --> 00:25:15,639 [laughter] 620 00:25:15,722 --> 00:25:18,642 ♪ Pissing in the shower in my house ♪ 621 00:25:19,184 --> 00:25:22,145 ♪ Yes, I am a grown man ♪ 622 00:25:23,188 --> 00:25:26,066 ♪ Pissing in the shower in my house ♪ 623 00:25:26,858 --> 00:25:29,569 ♪ I have no respect for my family ♪ 624 00:25:30,445 --> 00:25:33,532 ♪ My kids will take a bath in here today ♪ 625 00:25:34,115 --> 00:25:36,993 ♪ I know I should go to the toilet ♪ 626 00:25:37,786 --> 00:25:39,704 ♪ But the toilet is too far ♪ 627 00:25:39,788 --> 00:25:42,499 ♪ The toilet is too far away ♪ 628 00:25:42,582 --> 00:25:43,833 [cheers and applause] 629 00:25:44,834 --> 00:25:46,836 ♪ I said the toilet is too far ♪ 630 00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:49,047 ♪ The toilet is too far ♪ 631 00:25:49,130 --> 00:25:51,258 ♪ Once when I was drunk, I... ♪ 632 00:25:52,300 --> 00:25:54,469 ♪ Took a piss in the kitchen sink ♪ 633 00:25:54,553 --> 00:25:55,595 [laughter] 634 00:25:56,179 --> 00:25:58,390 ♪ But I prefer the shower ♪ 635 00:25:59,432 --> 00:26:02,143 ♪ My wife's loofah is starting to stink ♪ 636 00:26:02,227 --> 00:26:03,270 [laughter] 637 00:26:03,353 --> 00:26:06,064 ♪ When my kids go to school In the morning ♪ 638 00:26:07,148 --> 00:26:09,818 ♪ They smell Like they're soaking in piss ♪ 639 00:26:09,901 --> 00:26:10,735 [laughter] 640 00:26:10,819 --> 00:26:12,779 ♪ Sometimes before I shower ♪ 641 00:26:12,862 --> 00:26:14,489 [man] ♪ Sometimes before I shower ♪ 642 00:26:14,573 --> 00:26:16,866 ♪ I eat some asparagus ♪ 643 00:26:16,950 --> 00:26:18,159 [laughter] 644 00:26:18,743 --> 00:26:20,203 ♪ I am an animal ♪ 645 00:26:22,330 --> 00:26:24,249 ♪ I am a destroyer ♪ 646 00:26:24,332 --> 00:26:25,250 [cheering] 647 00:26:25,333 --> 00:26:27,836 ♪ They caught me pissing In my neighbor's pool ♪ 648 00:26:27,919 --> 00:26:29,045 [laughter] 649 00:26:29,129 --> 00:26:32,215 ♪ And now I have to get a lawyer ♪ 650 00:26:32,299 --> 00:26:34,384 ♪ It was worth it ♪ 651 00:26:34,467 --> 00:26:35,760 [cheering] 652 00:26:35,844 --> 00:26:36,928 Thank you! 653 00:26:38,179 --> 00:26:39,764 That was fun. 654 00:26:42,309 --> 00:26:45,312 Are you ever wiping yourself, uh, back there... 655 00:26:45,395 --> 00:26:48,148 You're wiping up pretty good, and then you keep wiping. 656 00:26:48,231 --> 00:26:50,358 And then you've really-- you've got to keep wiping. 657 00:26:50,442 --> 00:26:52,819 And you wipe again, and then you wipe another one. 658 00:26:52,902 --> 00:26:54,029 Then you go, "You know what? 659 00:26:54,112 --> 00:26:56,906 Just out of principal, I'm stopping after this next one. 660 00:26:56,990 --> 00:26:58,366 It's fucking enough already. 661 00:26:58,450 --> 00:27:01,161 I don't care if I'm done or not. This is fucking killing me. 662 00:27:01,244 --> 00:27:02,370 [laughter] 663 00:27:02,454 --> 00:27:03,955 Whatever happens happens. 664 00:27:04,623 --> 00:27:06,291 Get me the fuck out of here. 665 00:27:06,374 --> 00:27:07,334 [laughter] 666 00:27:09,336 --> 00:27:11,796 I did my first dick pic, everybody. 667 00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:12,714 [cheering] 668 00:27:12,797 --> 00:27:13,798 Thank you. 669 00:27:14,507 --> 00:27:16,801 A dick pick is... that's a weird thing to do. 670 00:27:16,885 --> 00:27:20,013 There's no reason for me to do it. I'm fucking married. 671 00:27:20,096 --> 00:27:23,099 But all my friends are doing them, so I'm like, "What the fuck, let me just-- 672 00:27:23,183 --> 00:27:25,143 at least I can be part of the conversation 673 00:27:25,226 --> 00:27:26,853 when they're talking about their dick pics. 674 00:27:26,936 --> 00:27:28,772 I can go, "Oh, yes, definitely." You know? 675 00:27:28,855 --> 00:27:29,939 [laughter] 676 00:27:30,023 --> 00:27:32,525 So, I do my first dick pick. 677 00:27:33,026 --> 00:27:34,402 I look back at it. 678 00:27:34,486 --> 00:27:36,696 There's a ghost in the background. 679 00:27:36,780 --> 00:27:39,074 So there's a ghost in the image, 680 00:27:39,157 --> 00:27:41,743 and I'm like, "I live in fucking haunted house?" 681 00:27:41,826 --> 00:27:44,120 I had no idea. I want to show everybody... 682 00:27:44,621 --> 00:27:45,872 'cause... 683 00:27:45,955 --> 00:27:47,916 what are the chances of catching that? 684 00:27:48,667 --> 00:27:50,835 But my dick doesn't look... 685 00:27:51,419 --> 00:27:54,339 as good as I want it to look in the image. 686 00:27:54,422 --> 00:27:57,550 Plus, you know, the fucking ghost was really tall, 687 00:27:57,634 --> 00:28:00,470 so he made my dick not look... exact. 688 00:28:00,553 --> 00:28:04,641 Plus the fucking ghost was holding a ruler next to my dick. 689 00:28:04,724 --> 00:28:07,060 I was like, "What the fuck is your problem?" to the ghost. 690 00:28:07,143 --> 00:28:08,061 He was like... 691 00:28:08,144 --> 00:28:10,647 The ghost was like, "I live here too. I like to have fun." 692 00:28:10,730 --> 00:28:11,690 [laughter] 693 00:28:11,773 --> 00:28:15,110 All right, I'm gonna play guitar a little bit for you. 694 00:28:15,193 --> 00:28:16,945 [electric guitar plays] 695 00:28:17,028 --> 00:28:19,239 [cheering] 696 00:28:31,793 --> 00:28:34,754 ♪ My kid's only got one line in a play ♪ 697 00:28:34,838 --> 00:28:37,632 ♪ My kid's only got one line in a play ♪ 698 00:28:38,133 --> 00:28:40,760 ♪ My kid's only got one line in a play ♪ 699 00:28:40,844 --> 00:28:43,763 ♪ My kid's only got one line in a play ♪ 700 00:28:43,847 --> 00:28:45,640 ♪ And yet, the fact is ♪ 701 00:28:46,516 --> 00:28:48,977 ♪ We still gotta practice ♪ 702 00:28:49,060 --> 00:28:50,145 ♪ Every day ♪ 703 00:28:50,228 --> 00:28:53,231 ♪ Oh, no, my kid's only got One line in a play ♪ 704 00:28:53,314 --> 00:28:56,526 ♪ My-my-my kid's only got One line in a play ♪ 705 00:28:56,609 --> 00:28:59,487 ♪ The dumb teacher Gave the big parts away ♪ 706 00:28:59,571 --> 00:29:02,532 ♪ Oh, no, my kid's only got One line in a play ♪ 707 00:29:02,615 --> 00:29:04,868 ♪ It's in the first five minutes ♪ 708 00:29:04,951 --> 00:29:05,952 [laughter] 709 00:29:06,035 --> 00:29:08,997 ♪ But my wife says We still gotta stay the whole way ♪ 710 00:29:09,080 --> 00:29:12,584 ♪ Fuck no My kid's only got one line in a play ♪ 711 00:29:12,667 --> 00:29:15,795 ♪ As soon as my wife looks the other way ♪ 712 00:29:15,879 --> 00:29:18,465 ♪ I phone in a bomb scare And I call it a day ♪ 713 00:29:18,548 --> 00:29:21,718 ♪ Because my kid's only got One line in a play ♪ 714 00:29:21,801 --> 00:29:23,303 ♪ And she got it wrong ♪ 715 00:29:23,386 --> 00:29:24,596 [laughter] 716 00:29:26,514 --> 00:29:27,849 [cheers and applause] 717 00:29:29,934 --> 00:29:34,355 You love your kids more than anything on the planet until like 9:30 at night. 718 00:29:34,439 --> 00:29:36,691 And then you're like, "Okay... that's enough. 719 00:29:36,775 --> 00:29:38,026 [laughter] 720 00:29:38,109 --> 00:29:40,904 I loved you all day long. Just give me a little break. 721 00:29:41,404 --> 00:29:43,364 I answered all your crazy questions. 722 00:29:43,448 --> 00:29:45,575 I don't even know.... I know nothing. 723 00:29:45,658 --> 00:29:48,620 That does not fucking help when you have to answer your kid. 724 00:29:48,703 --> 00:29:50,955 I've got to make up every goddamn answer. 725 00:29:51,039 --> 00:29:52,415 "Are whales smart, Daddy?" 726 00:29:52,499 --> 00:29:55,919 "Well, you know, they're more street smart than book smart, but..." 727 00:29:56,002 --> 00:29:58,797 I don't fucking know anything about whales. 728 00:29:59,422 --> 00:30:02,258 My daughter plays basketball, my nine year old. 729 00:30:02,342 --> 00:30:05,512 So, I go and see her play basketball, and she's a sweetheart of a kid. 730 00:30:05,595 --> 00:30:08,515 And every time they put the kid in the game, I get so excited. 731 00:30:08,598 --> 00:30:10,266 I take my video camera out, 732 00:30:10,350 --> 00:30:12,602 and I fucking video everything she does. 733 00:30:12,685 --> 00:30:16,022 And so, a couple Sundays ago, I'm videoing my daughter 734 00:30:16,105 --> 00:30:17,273 and another dad goes, 735 00:30:17,357 --> 00:30:19,818 "Hey, can you email me that when you're done?" 736 00:30:19,901 --> 00:30:21,528 And I go, "Yeah, absolutely, dude. 737 00:30:21,611 --> 00:30:24,239 And then I'm videoing my kid and then I remembered. 738 00:30:24,322 --> 00:30:28,159 Actually, when I video my kid, I say a lot of things, and... 739 00:30:28,243 --> 00:30:31,621 It's always not stuff I want other people to hear. 740 00:30:31,704 --> 00:30:34,582 And I'm always like, "Okay, you got it, you little cutie. 741 00:30:34,666 --> 00:30:37,335 You've got the ball. You're so good. Look how good you are. 742 00:30:37,418 --> 00:30:40,505 You take the ball. Pass it to my kid. Somebody pass it to my kid. 743 00:30:40,588 --> 00:30:43,049 I'll get a break your fucking neck, I swear to God. 744 00:30:43,132 --> 00:30:46,261 Give that fucking ball to my fucking kid. You all suck out there." 745 00:30:46,344 --> 00:30:50,473 And I was like, "I better not email that to that man there. 746 00:30:50,557 --> 00:30:54,143 So I just emailed him the ghost/dick pic thing. 747 00:30:54,227 --> 00:30:56,563 The guy was like, "What the fuck's with the ruler?" 748 00:30:56,646 --> 00:31:00,275 I go, "Yeah, the ghost was an asshole. Fuck that guy." 749 00:31:00,358 --> 00:31:01,234 "I'm with you." 750 00:31:01,734 --> 00:31:03,653 My little sweet daughter... 751 00:31:03,736 --> 00:31:04,821 the sixth grader, 752 00:31:04,904 --> 00:31:06,990 she comes back from school and she's like, 753 00:31:07,073 --> 00:31:09,659 "All the boys keep saying, 'That's what she said...' 754 00:31:09,742 --> 00:31:11,244 and then they all laugh." 755 00:31:11,327 --> 00:31:13,830 -"Why Daddy?" -And I was like, "Oh, boy." 756 00:31:13,913 --> 00:31:16,666 "Yeah, it seems like anything I say, 757 00:31:16,749 --> 00:31:18,918 they say, 'That's what she said.' 758 00:31:19,002 --> 00:31:22,255 They look at each other, and they just laugh and laugh. 759 00:31:22,338 --> 00:31:25,174 And I'm confused. Help me Dad-da." 760 00:31:25,258 --> 00:31:28,428 And so, I'm like, "Okay, how do I explain this to her?" 761 00:31:28,511 --> 00:31:31,681 And I'm trying to just figure out, you know, the right way to do it, 762 00:31:31,764 --> 00:31:33,850 in a clean way, no cursing. 763 00:31:33,933 --> 00:31:36,603 And I'm just going, "Uh-- uh-- uh-- uh, well, it's a..." 764 00:31:36,686 --> 00:31:37,854 And then my kid goes, 765 00:31:37,937 --> 00:31:40,148 "That's okay, Daddy. You tried your best." 766 00:31:40,231 --> 00:31:41,608 [laughter] 767 00:31:41,691 --> 00:31:43,985 And I was like,"That's what she said." 768 00:31:44,068 --> 00:31:45,778 [laughter] 769 00:31:46,571 --> 00:31:47,697 All right, let's do this. 770 00:31:47,780 --> 00:31:49,282 [piano plays] 771 00:31:49,365 --> 00:31:51,993 That's not true. None of that-- None of this fucking story... 772 00:31:52,076 --> 00:31:53,912 All this is a lie. All right. 773 00:31:53,995 --> 00:31:54,913 [laughter] 774 00:31:55,496 --> 00:31:56,623 [laughs] 775 00:31:56,706 --> 00:31:58,791 ♪ I'll take the large, please ♪ 776 00:31:58,875 --> 00:32:00,919 ♪ Can't believe my eyes ♪ 777 00:32:01,002 --> 00:32:04,380 ♪ Sprinkles and fudge And a smelly surprise ♪ 778 00:32:04,464 --> 00:32:07,926 ♪ Oh, ice cream lady ♪ 779 00:32:08,009 --> 00:32:10,637 ♪ Thank you for letting me Eat your pussy ♪ 780 00:32:11,137 --> 00:32:12,347 [laughter] 781 00:32:12,430 --> 00:32:14,015 [laughs] 782 00:32:14,098 --> 00:32:15,391 -Come on. -[cheering] 783 00:32:15,475 --> 00:32:19,479 You know you would fucking go to that ice cream place all the time. 784 00:32:21,105 --> 00:32:22,607 [Sandler] Oh, Sandman. 785 00:32:22,690 --> 00:32:24,901 That's too much. 786 00:32:24,984 --> 00:32:26,319 -[piano plays] -Okay. 787 00:32:28,529 --> 00:32:29,530 Just getting ready. 788 00:32:30,990 --> 00:32:33,660 ♪ The pilot had a heart attack ♪ 789 00:32:34,285 --> 00:32:36,621 ♪ The co-pilot can't be found ♪ 790 00:32:37,372 --> 00:32:40,083 ♪ The people in the aisles are screaming ♪ 791 00:32:40,166 --> 00:32:43,044 ♪ They know the plane's going down ♪ 792 00:32:43,127 --> 00:32:45,922 ♪ We need a hero, someone to save us ♪ 793 00:32:46,005 --> 00:32:49,175 ♪ We need a hero to land the plane ♪ 794 00:32:49,258 --> 00:32:51,552 ♪ We need a hero who's going to do it ♪ 795 00:32:52,303 --> 00:32:55,056 ♪ We need a hero to save the day ♪ 796 00:32:55,139 --> 00:32:58,476 ♪ So I jump to my feet and I volunteer ♪ 797 00:32:58,559 --> 00:33:01,479 ♪ The people on the plane All start to cheer ♪ 798 00:33:01,562 --> 00:33:04,399 ♪ I get a high-five from a baby ♪ 799 00:33:04,899 --> 00:33:07,694 ♪ And a hickey from a flight attendant ♪ 800 00:33:07,777 --> 00:33:11,030 ♪ So I go in the cockpit Put the headset on ♪ 801 00:33:11,114 --> 00:33:13,908 ♪ And grab the main control ♪ 802 00:33:13,992 --> 00:33:16,285 ♪ Then right away I crash the plane ♪ 803 00:33:16,369 --> 00:33:18,204 ♪ Because I don't know what I'm doing ♪ 804 00:33:18,287 --> 00:33:19,122 [laughter] 805 00:33:19,205 --> 00:33:21,124 Thank you, thank you, thank you. 806 00:33:21,207 --> 00:33:22,375 [applause] 807 00:33:23,543 --> 00:33:24,460 Yeah. 808 00:33:27,630 --> 00:33:28,506 Thank you. 809 00:33:29,841 --> 00:33:31,175 [piano plays] 810 00:33:31,718 --> 00:33:34,387 ♪ We're on a runaway train ♪ 811 00:33:34,929 --> 00:33:37,890 ♪ The conductor had a meltdown ♪ 812 00:33:37,974 --> 00:33:40,935 ♪ The people in the dining car ♪ 813 00:33:41,019 --> 00:33:43,855 ♪ Are screaming really, really loud ♪ 814 00:33:43,938 --> 00:33:46,607 ♪ We need a hero, someone to save us ♪ 815 00:33:46,691 --> 00:33:50,069 ♪ Yeah, we need a hero To bring us through the danger ♪ 816 00:33:50,153 --> 00:33:52,905 ♪ We need a hero, somebody competent ♪ 817 00:33:52,989 --> 00:33:56,075 ♪ We need a hero to save the day, yeah ♪ 818 00:33:56,159 --> 00:33:59,037 ♪ So I put the engineer's hat On the top of my head ♪ 819 00:33:59,620 --> 00:34:02,582 ♪ The people go fucking crazy ♪ 820 00:34:02,665 --> 00:34:05,460 ♪ A guy says, "You're the man, man" ♪ 821 00:34:05,543 --> 00:34:08,629 ♪ And a deaf woman signs "Go get 'em" ♪ 822 00:34:08,713 --> 00:34:11,924 ♪ Then I go to the cab And I toot the whistle ♪ 823 00:34:12,008 --> 00:34:14,761 ♪ That's something I always wanted to do ♪ 824 00:34:14,844 --> 00:34:16,929 ♪ Then right away we fly off the bridge ♪ 825 00:34:17,013 --> 00:34:18,890 ♪ Because I don't know what I'm doing ♪ 826 00:34:18,973 --> 00:34:19,807 [laughter] 827 00:34:19,891 --> 00:34:21,309 Thank you. Thank you. 828 00:34:21,392 --> 00:34:22,518 [applause] 829 00:34:23,269 --> 00:34:24,228 Thank you. 830 00:34:27,315 --> 00:34:28,274 Ahh. 831 00:34:31,527 --> 00:34:34,781 ♪ We're in a nice family restaurant ♪ 832 00:34:34,864 --> 00:34:38,117 ♪ Somebody's grandma's choking On a lamb chop ♪ 833 00:34:39,660 --> 00:34:42,872 ♪ There's panic in the air As Nana's face turns blue ♪ 834 00:34:42,955 --> 00:34:45,625 ♪ The busboy screams in Spanish "What the fuck do we do?" ♪ 835 00:34:45,708 --> 00:34:48,294 ♪ We need a hero who's gonna do it ♪ 836 00:34:49,045 --> 00:34:51,798 ♪ We need a hero To clean out her windpipe ♪ 837 00:34:51,881 --> 00:34:54,884 ♪ We need a hero Who's down with Heimlich ♪ 838 00:34:54,967 --> 00:34:58,137 ♪ We need a hero to save the day, yeah ♪ 839 00:34:58,221 --> 00:35:00,681 ♪ So I slap my napkin down on the table ♪ 840 00:35:01,265 --> 00:35:04,143 ♪ And I get a fucking standing ovation ♪ 841 00:35:04,811 --> 00:35:07,772 ♪ Another guy gets up And says he's a doctor ♪ 842 00:35:07,855 --> 00:35:10,858 ♪ I say, "Sit the fuck down I got this shit" ♪ 843 00:35:10,942 --> 00:35:13,820 ♪ Then I wrap my arms Around Grandma's chest ♪ 844 00:35:13,903 --> 00:35:16,989 ♪ And I look her grandkids Deep in the eyes ♪ 845 00:35:17,073 --> 00:35:18,407 ♪ Then right away... ♪ 846 00:35:18,491 --> 00:35:20,284 [laughs] 847 00:35:20,368 --> 00:35:22,453 ♪ Then right away I break all her ribs ♪ 848 00:35:22,537 --> 00:35:24,997 ♪ Because I don't know what I'm doing ♪ 849 00:35:25,081 --> 00:35:25,998 Grandma! 850 00:35:26,082 --> 00:35:27,291 [cheers and applause] 851 00:35:29,710 --> 00:35:30,962 What the fuck was that? 852 00:35:33,089 --> 00:35:34,173 After every joke... 853 00:35:34,257 --> 00:35:35,383 [plays guitar] 854 00:35:37,426 --> 00:35:39,178 This is one that we don't play that much 855 00:35:39,262 --> 00:35:41,806 But, uh-- but I figured it's fucking Jersey. 856 00:35:41,889 --> 00:35:44,350 I think you guys might enjoy this. So here we go. 857 00:35:44,433 --> 00:35:45,768 [cheers and applause] 858 00:35:56,404 --> 00:35:58,447 ♪ Thirteenth birthday ♪ 859 00:35:58,531 --> 00:36:00,116 ♪ People come from far away ♪ 860 00:36:00,199 --> 00:36:01,993 ♪ Aunts and uncles show up ♪ 861 00:36:02,076 --> 00:36:04,036 ♪ I brush my fro up ♪ 862 00:36:04,120 --> 00:36:05,538 ♪ Feeling skittish ♪ 863 00:36:05,621 --> 00:36:07,456 ♪ People speaking Yiddish ♪ 864 00:36:07,540 --> 00:36:09,292 ♪ Buy a freaky suit and tie ♪ 865 00:36:09,375 --> 00:36:11,085 ♪ Tailor's hanging on my thigh ♪ 866 00:36:11,169 --> 00:36:12,879 ♪ Practice for the whole year ♪ 867 00:36:12,962 --> 00:36:14,672 ♪ Paralyzed with fear ♪ 868 00:36:14,755 --> 00:36:16,465 ♪ Hebrew flash cards on my walls ♪ 869 00:36:16,549 --> 00:36:18,634 ♪ Voice is changing, dropped my balls ♪ 870 00:36:18,718 --> 00:36:20,052 ♪ Dad's mad at the cost ♪ 871 00:36:20,136 --> 00:36:21,888 ♪ Too bad Mom's the boss ♪ 872 00:36:21,971 --> 00:36:23,681 ♪ Grandmas are full of joy ♪ 873 00:36:24,265 --> 00:36:27,185 ♪ For the Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 874 00:36:27,268 --> 00:36:28,519 [man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 875 00:36:28,603 --> 00:36:30,771 ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 876 00:36:30,855 --> 00:36:32,064 [man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 877 00:36:32,148 --> 00:36:34,483 ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 878 00:36:34,567 --> 00:36:35,902 [man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 879 00:36:35,985 --> 00:36:38,070 ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 880 00:36:38,154 --> 00:36:39,405 [man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 881 00:36:39,488 --> 00:36:41,866 ♪ Okay, up on the podium ♪ 882 00:36:41,949 --> 00:36:43,743 ♪ I'm staring out at everyone ♪ 883 00:36:43,826 --> 00:36:45,578 ♪ Can't remember how it goes ♪ 884 00:36:45,661 --> 00:36:47,538 ♪ Whistle from my rabbi's nose ♪ 885 00:36:47,622 --> 00:36:49,165 ♪ Oh, man, this is it ♪ 886 00:36:49,248 --> 00:36:50,875 ♪ Make up some crazy shit ♪ 887 00:36:50,958 --> 00:36:52,793 ♪ Baruch atah, a cha-cha-cha ♪ 888 00:36:52,877 --> 00:36:54,545 ♪ Everybody says, "Good job" ♪ 889 00:36:54,629 --> 00:36:56,464 ♪ Now I'm done, sweet relief ♪ 890 00:36:56,547 --> 00:36:58,382 ♪ Lipstick on Mama's teeth ♪ 891 00:36:58,466 --> 00:37:00,134 ♪ Catholic friends all ask me this ♪ 892 00:37:00,218 --> 00:37:01,969 ♪ "What the fuck is a knish?" ♪ 893 00:37:02,053 --> 00:37:03,721 ♪ Kids are all coming in ♪ 894 00:37:03,804 --> 00:37:05,514 ♪ Checks and bonds and fountain pens ♪ 895 00:37:05,598 --> 00:37:07,308 ♪ Make a bank deposit ♪ 896 00:37:07,391 --> 00:37:09,268 ♪ Make out in the closet ♪ 897 00:37:09,352 --> 00:37:12,647 ♪ He's the Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 898 00:37:12,730 --> 00:37:13,940 [man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 899 00:37:14,023 --> 00:37:16,192 ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 900 00:37:16,275 --> 00:37:17,652 [man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 901 00:37:17,735 --> 00:37:19,654 ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 902 00:37:19,737 --> 00:37:21,113 ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 903 00:37:21,197 --> 00:37:23,366 ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 904 00:37:23,449 --> 00:37:24,825 [man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 905 00:37:25,409 --> 00:37:27,203 ♪ The rabbi does the Electric Slide ♪ 906 00:37:27,286 --> 00:37:29,121 ♪ Grandma's ass is six feet wide ♪ 907 00:37:29,205 --> 00:37:30,915 ♪ Party music never stops ♪ 908 00:37:30,998 --> 00:37:32,833 ♪ All my friends drinking schnapps ♪ 909 00:37:32,917 --> 00:37:34,418 ♪ Boys are short, girls are tall ♪ 910 00:37:34,502 --> 00:37:36,379 ♪ Pass me the alcohol ♪ 911 00:37:36,462 --> 00:37:38,005 ♪ Chug as much as I can ♪ 912 00:37:38,089 --> 00:37:39,632 ♪ Vomit on the klezmer band ♪ 913 00:37:39,715 --> 00:37:41,759 ♪ Mom and Dad yell at me ♪ 914 00:37:41,842 --> 00:37:43,261 ♪ This strains my family ♪ 915 00:37:43,344 --> 00:37:45,221 ♪ But I'm a man, so I don't care ♪ 916 00:37:45,304 --> 00:37:47,181 ♪ Got my first mustache hair ♪ 917 00:37:47,265 --> 00:37:50,685 ♪ I'm the Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 918 00:37:50,768 --> 00:37:51,894 [man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 919 00:37:51,978 --> 00:37:54,313 ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 920 00:37:54,397 --> 00:37:55,523 [man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 921 00:37:55,606 --> 00:37:57,692 ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 922 00:37:57,775 --> 00:37:58,985 [man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 923 00:37:59,068 --> 00:38:01,320 ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 924 00:38:01,404 --> 00:38:02,697 [man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 925 00:38:02,780 --> 00:38:06,284 ♪ And it's the best day of my life ♪ 926 00:38:06,367 --> 00:38:08,286 ♪ Until three years later ♪ 927 00:38:08,369 --> 00:38:11,038 ♪ When my parents stop Making me go to temple ♪ 928 00:38:11,622 --> 00:38:12,748 [laughter] 929 00:38:12,832 --> 00:38:15,376 Very nice, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. 930 00:38:15,459 --> 00:38:16,711 [cheers and applause] 931 00:38:20,256 --> 00:38:22,717 So I'll tell you a little story about Disney World. 932 00:38:22,800 --> 00:38:25,594 You want to hear a true Adam Sandler Story? 933 00:38:25,678 --> 00:38:27,930 -Please, I can-- Okay. -[cheers and applause] 934 00:38:28,472 --> 00:38:30,474 So you guys have been to Disney World, right? 935 00:38:30,558 --> 00:38:32,643 -[cheering] -The families have been there. 936 00:38:32,727 --> 00:38:35,438 Who doesn't have kids and still goes to Disney World? 937 00:38:35,521 --> 00:38:37,273 [cheering] 938 00:38:37,356 --> 00:38:39,483 You fucking stoners. 939 00:38:39,567 --> 00:38:41,402 -[laughter] -I'm on to you. 940 00:38:42,111 --> 00:38:43,362 [laughs] 941 00:38:43,446 --> 00:38:45,990 All right, so I go to Disney World recently 942 00:38:46,073 --> 00:38:48,826 with my wife and the two kids. 943 00:38:48,909 --> 00:38:51,037 My kids wanted to go on this roller coaster. 944 00:38:51,120 --> 00:38:53,414 They were very excited. So, we wait on the line. 945 00:38:53,497 --> 00:38:55,374 We're waiting. You know the lines are very long. 946 00:38:55,458 --> 00:38:57,376 So, it takes like an hour and 15 minutes. 947 00:38:57,460 --> 00:38:59,211 We get to the front of the line, 948 00:38:59,295 --> 00:39:03,966 and then the roller coaster, we find out, only takes three people at a time. 949 00:39:04,050 --> 00:39:05,593 So, there's four of us. 950 00:39:05,676 --> 00:39:07,511 And I see my wife and the two kids 951 00:39:07,595 --> 00:39:09,972 just immediately start walking to the thing. 952 00:39:10,056 --> 00:39:12,850 And I was like, we're not even gonna flip a coin. Not-- 953 00:39:12,933 --> 00:39:15,603 Not even a thought, right? They're like, "No, no..." 954 00:39:15,686 --> 00:39:16,896 I was like, "Yeah. All right." 955 00:39:16,979 --> 00:39:19,732 And so, I'm sitting there very angry. I'm stewing. 956 00:39:19,815 --> 00:39:22,276 Like, "I waited a fucking hour and 15 minutes 957 00:39:22,360 --> 00:39:25,488 to go on this fucking shit with you guys, and you fucking bail on me." 958 00:39:25,571 --> 00:39:29,992 Then I see it happens to some other dad from Oklahoma, and he's muttering. 959 00:39:30,076 --> 00:39:33,162 He's like, "Goddamn motherfucker... They're mean as shit. 960 00:39:33,245 --> 00:39:34,622 And I'm like, "Yeah, yeah." 961 00:39:34,705 --> 00:39:36,248 And then I say to the other dad, 962 00:39:36,332 --> 00:39:38,793 I go, "You want fucking me and you to go on it together? 963 00:39:38,876 --> 00:39:41,420 And he's like, "What?" I go, "Well, I'm not going alone. 964 00:39:41,504 --> 00:39:43,381 Let's fucking do this shit. I'll go with you." 965 00:39:43,464 --> 00:39:46,175 And he's like, "Yeah, whatever the fuck you want." 966 00:39:46,258 --> 00:39:47,676 And so... [laughs] 967 00:39:48,219 --> 00:39:51,305 So I get on the roller coaster with the guy 968 00:39:51,389 --> 00:39:52,973 and we're both not talking to each other. 969 00:39:53,057 --> 00:39:54,892 The roller coaster takes off, 970 00:39:54,975 --> 00:39:57,061 and you know how they take off so fucking fast... 971 00:39:57,144 --> 00:40:00,231 that both our necks snap back, and we look at each other. 972 00:40:00,314 --> 00:40:01,607 And he's like "Ooh, that got me." 973 00:40:01,690 --> 00:40:04,026 I was like, "Oh, yeah, that was fucked up, man." 974 00:40:04,110 --> 00:40:05,528 We start laughing a little bit. 975 00:40:05,611 --> 00:40:07,738 And we're fucking all of a sudden loosening up. 976 00:40:07,822 --> 00:40:11,742 And we're fucking doing all the-- jetting, banging into these fucking crazy turns. 977 00:40:11,826 --> 00:40:14,453 I'm fucking leaning, 100% leaning on the guy. 978 00:40:14,537 --> 00:40:18,249 He's looking at me like, "What the fuck?" I was like, "Hey, here we are." 979 00:40:18,332 --> 00:40:20,126 And we're laughing our asses off. 980 00:40:20,209 --> 00:40:24,046 And I'm like, "Holy shit, I haven't been this happy in at least 11 years. 981 00:40:24,130 --> 00:40:28,008 I know that, but whatever, I'm fucking... jetting around, 982 00:40:28,092 --> 00:40:29,260 fucking doing loop-the-loops. 983 00:40:29,343 --> 00:40:30,636 He's fucking bumping my first. 984 00:40:30,719 --> 00:40:32,847 I'm like, "Yeah, motherfucker." He's like, "Yeah, baby." 985 00:40:32,930 --> 00:40:34,473 We get to the end. The fucking-- 986 00:40:34,557 --> 00:40:36,350 You know how the break comes out of nowhere. 987 00:40:36,434 --> 00:40:39,478 It fucking screeches on, both our fucking heads snap again. 988 00:40:39,562 --> 00:40:42,940 He's like, "They got us again. I was like, "Fuck yeah, we'll never learn. 989 00:40:43,023 --> 00:40:44,733 [laughter] 990 00:40:44,817 --> 00:40:49,113 So, uh, we're creeping up to, you know, getting off the ride, 991 00:40:49,196 --> 00:40:50,739 how it's like a little slow at exit, 992 00:40:50,823 --> 00:40:52,992 and we're sitting there, and I'm fucking... 993 00:40:53,451 --> 00:40:55,453 I feel this crazy pain in my heart, 994 00:40:56,245 --> 00:40:59,582 and I'm like, "Did I fucking fall in love with this guy or some shit? 995 00:40:59,665 --> 00:41:00,791 What happened? 996 00:41:00,875 --> 00:41:03,502 And he's not looking at me. I'm like this guy feels it too, 997 00:41:03,586 --> 00:41:05,588 'cause he's in a fucking daze. We're both-- 998 00:41:05,671 --> 00:41:08,674 And my kids are like, "Come on, let's go to Peter Pan." 999 00:41:08,757 --> 00:41:10,426 I was like, "All right, in a minute." 1000 00:41:10,509 --> 00:41:12,178 I'm yelling at the kids too loud. 1001 00:41:12,261 --> 00:41:14,221 "I've got to say goodbye to the man." 1002 00:41:14,305 --> 00:41:15,431 And, uh... 1003 00:41:15,514 --> 00:41:17,766 I get off. I go, "Hey, nice to meet you." 1004 00:41:17,850 --> 00:41:19,727 He's like, "Yeah, nice to meet you." 1005 00:41:19,810 --> 00:41:21,979 He won't look at me, and we're both all fucked up. 1006 00:41:22,062 --> 00:41:24,523 He goes back to his family, I go back to mine. 1007 00:41:24,607 --> 00:41:25,816 I'm walking away. 1008 00:41:25,900 --> 00:41:28,736 In my head, I'm like, "I'm never gonna see that fucking guy again, 1009 00:41:28,819 --> 00:41:30,821 and I don't feel good about that. 1010 00:41:30,905 --> 00:41:31,739 Um... 1011 00:41:32,323 --> 00:41:33,491 And then I... 1012 00:41:33,574 --> 00:41:34,992 And then I go... 1013 00:41:35,618 --> 00:41:37,495 "They take your picture though... 1014 00:41:38,120 --> 00:41:39,246 on those rides. 1015 00:41:39,788 --> 00:41:41,665 You know, just for memory's sake. 1016 00:41:41,749 --> 00:41:45,169 Just, what the fuck, I'm gonna go see, maybe they snapped us, maybe they didn't. 1017 00:41:45,252 --> 00:41:47,838 But if they did... why not? Fuck it, you know. Let's just see." 1018 00:41:47,922 --> 00:41:49,340 And so, we... 1019 00:41:49,423 --> 00:41:50,841 We go to the, uh-- 1020 00:41:50,925 --> 00:41:53,844 I go to that place where there's the fucking monitor up. 1021 00:41:53,928 --> 00:41:56,222 Sure enough, there's a picture of me and the guy, 1022 00:41:56,305 --> 00:41:59,058 upside down, in the loop-the-loop... 1023 00:41:59,141 --> 00:42:02,686 staring so deep into each other's eyes. 1024 00:42:02,770 --> 00:42:04,063 It was fucking bananas. 1025 00:42:04,146 --> 00:42:07,316 I was like, "Okay, he felt it. He definitely felt it too." 1026 00:42:07,399 --> 00:42:12,488 So, I say to the lady behind the counter, "Hey, how much is that?" 1027 00:42:12,571 --> 00:42:14,698 And the lady goes, "Sixty-five dollars." 1028 00:42:14,782 --> 00:42:16,116 I was like, "Oh. Okay." 1029 00:42:16,200 --> 00:42:19,245 And then I take my phone out, and I fucking snap a shot of it. 1030 00:42:19,328 --> 00:42:22,915 And then I feel this energy behind me. 1031 00:42:22,998 --> 00:42:25,125 I look back, and it's the guy from Oklahoma. 1032 00:42:25,209 --> 00:42:27,461 He's holding the picture he just bought. 1033 00:42:27,545 --> 00:42:30,130 And he was like, "I wasn't worth it?" 1034 00:42:30,214 --> 00:42:31,966 [laughter] 1035 00:42:33,676 --> 00:42:35,427 So, anyways... 1036 00:42:35,970 --> 00:42:38,931 If that man is watching my Netflix special right now, 1037 00:42:39,557 --> 00:42:41,100 I think of you a lot, sir. 1038 00:42:41,183 --> 00:42:42,393 I think of you a lot. 1039 00:42:43,269 --> 00:42:46,313 All right, Milwaukee, let's fucking do this shit. Here we go. 1040 00:42:46,397 --> 00:42:47,314 [hip hop music plays] 1041 00:42:47,398 --> 00:42:49,942 ♪ Yeah. Yeah. Yeah ♪ 1042 00:42:51,902 --> 00:42:53,612 ♪ Here we go again ♪ 1043 00:42:54,363 --> 00:42:55,447 ♪ Come on ♪ 1044 00:42:56,657 --> 00:42:57,992 ♪ I'm heading out ♪ 1045 00:42:58,075 --> 00:42:59,785 ♪ And all I'm taking with me ♪ 1046 00:42:59,868 --> 00:43:01,328 ♪ Is my phone, wallet, keys ♪ 1047 00:43:01,412 --> 00:43:03,247 ♪ Yeah, phone, wallet, keys ♪ 1048 00:43:03,330 --> 00:43:06,458 ♪ Just those three things, please Need my phone, wallet, keys ♪ 1049 00:43:06,542 --> 00:43:08,419 ♪ Got my credit cards in my wallet ♪ 1050 00:43:08,502 --> 00:43:10,212 ♪ Got my phone, you can call it ♪ 1051 00:43:10,296 --> 00:43:11,755 ♪ Masterlock on my front door ♪ 1052 00:43:11,839 --> 00:43:13,549 ♪ That's what my motherfucking keys Are for ♪ 1053 00:43:13,632 --> 00:43:14,967 ♪ My phone, wallet, keys ♪ 1054 00:43:15,050 --> 00:43:16,760 ♪ Yeah, phone, wallet, keys ♪ 1055 00:43:17,177 --> 00:43:20,139 ♪ Good things come in threes Need my phone, wallet, keys ♪ 1056 00:43:20,222 --> 00:43:23,726 ♪ If I'm going to the zoo I need my phone, wallet, keys ♪ 1057 00:43:23,809 --> 00:43:26,979 ♪ If I'm getting a face tattoo I need my phone, wallet, keys ♪ 1058 00:43:27,062 --> 00:43:30,566 ♪ If I'm going out to a wedding If it's winter time and I'm sledding ♪ 1059 00:43:30,649 --> 00:43:34,194 ♪ If I'm at the Daddy-Daughter dance My phone, wallet, keys are in my pants ♪ 1060 00:43:34,278 --> 00:43:37,281 ♪ I'm going on vacation To the West Indies ♪ 1061 00:43:37,364 --> 00:43:38,991 ♪ And I don't got no luggage ♪ 1062 00:43:39,074 --> 00:43:40,701 ♪ Just got phone, wallet, keys ♪ 1063 00:43:40,784 --> 00:43:42,620 ♪ I roll on up to the airport ♪ 1064 00:43:42,703 --> 00:43:44,538 ♪ Lady asks for my passport ♪ 1065 00:43:44,622 --> 00:43:45,789 Fuck. 1066 00:43:45,873 --> 00:43:47,082 Okay. 1067 00:43:47,166 --> 00:43:49,668 ♪ Guess I need my phone Wallet, passport, keys ♪ 1068 00:43:49,752 --> 00:43:51,337 ♪ Phone, wallet, passport, keys ♪ 1069 00:43:51,420 --> 00:43:54,673 ♪ Now I need four things, bitch, please Phone, wallet, passport, keys ♪ 1070 00:43:54,757 --> 00:43:58,010 ♪ I'm finally on the plane I'm riding Delta, Delta ♪ 1071 00:43:58,093 --> 00:43:59,845 ♪ The lady farted next to me ♪ 1072 00:43:59,928 --> 00:44:01,430 ♪ I smelled her, I smelled her ♪ 1073 00:44:01,513 --> 00:44:03,390 ♪ We get to 30,000 feet ♪ 1074 00:44:03,474 --> 00:44:05,100 ♪ I recline my fucking seat ♪ 1075 00:44:05,184 --> 00:44:06,810 ♪ About to watch a movie, stop ♪ 1076 00:44:06,894 --> 00:44:08,437 ♪ I forgot my laptop ♪ 1077 00:44:08,520 --> 00:44:10,022 ♪ Mm, motherfucker ♪ 1078 00:44:10,105 --> 00:44:11,065 ♪ Damn it ♪ 1079 00:44:11,148 --> 00:44:13,692 ♪ Now I need my laptop Phone, wallet, passport, keys ♪ 1080 00:44:13,776 --> 00:44:15,361 ♪ Laptop, phone, wallet, passport, keys ♪ 1081 00:44:15,444 --> 00:44:17,029 ♪ Too much shit, five fucking things ♪ 1082 00:44:17,112 --> 00:44:20,324 ♪ Laptop, phone, wallet, passport, keys I'm swinging my shit all over the place ♪ 1083 00:44:20,407 --> 00:44:21,784 ♪ I'm hurting ya, I'm hurting ya ♪ 1084 00:44:21,867 --> 00:44:23,160 ♪ I'm carrying so much shit ♪ 1085 00:44:23,243 --> 00:44:25,621 ♪ I got a hernia, a hernia ♪ 1086 00:44:25,704 --> 00:44:28,957 ♪ No place to put it, what can I do? Probably should take my iPad too ♪ 1087 00:44:29,041 --> 00:44:30,501 ♪ What the fuck else did I forget? ♪ 1088 00:44:30,584 --> 00:44:32,503 ♪ Sandman, you need tons of shit ♪ 1089 00:44:32,586 --> 00:44:34,213 ♪ My Tic Tacs, my backpack ♪ 1090 00:44:34,296 --> 00:44:37,299 ♪ My Zippo lighter, my charge pack My sunglasses, my hairspray ♪ 1091 00:44:37,383 --> 00:44:39,385 -♪ My headphones ♪ -♪ They're Beats by Dre ♪ 1092 00:44:39,468 --> 00:44:42,805 ♪ My notebook, my GoPro My vape pen, my crossbow ♪ 1093 00:44:42,888 --> 00:44:44,306 ♪ My toothpick, my pocket knife ♪ 1094 00:44:44,390 --> 00:44:46,100 ♪ Oh, fuck, I forgot my wife ♪ 1095 00:44:46,183 --> 00:44:47,893 -[man] ♪ Phone, wallet, keys ♪ -♪ God damn ♪ 1096 00:44:47,976 --> 00:44:49,186 ♪ Phone, wallet, keys ♪ 1097 00:44:49,269 --> 00:44:51,146 ♪ It used to be so easy ♪ 1098 00:44:51,230 --> 00:44:52,898 ♪ With my phone, my wallet And my keys-ee ♪ 1099 00:44:52,981 --> 00:44:56,402 ♪ Phone, wallet, keys, yeah Phone, wallet, keys ♪ 1100 00:44:56,485 --> 00:44:57,945 ♪ It used to be a breez-ee ♪ 1101 00:44:58,028 --> 00:44:59,738 ♪ With my phone, my wallet And my keys-ee ♪ 1102 00:44:59,822 --> 00:45:03,033 ♪ My pockets got so heavy Now I'm cramping, I'm cramping ♪ 1103 00:45:03,117 --> 00:45:06,370 ♪ Each time I leave my house It's like I'm camping, I'm camping ♪ 1104 00:45:06,453 --> 00:45:09,998 ♪ I'm miserable, just standing around I'm like a walking lost and found ♪ 1105 00:45:10,082 --> 00:45:11,625 ♪ You know I'd rather stay at home ♪ 1106 00:45:11,709 --> 00:45:14,712 -♪ Where all I need's my fucking phone ♪ -[man] ♪ Phone, phone, phone ♪ 1107 00:45:14,795 --> 00:45:17,005 -♪ Yeah ♪ -♪ Phone, phone, phone ♪ 1108 00:45:17,089 --> 00:45:18,424 ♪ Much happier at home ♪ 1109 00:45:18,507 --> 00:45:20,342 ♪ Just playing with my phone ♪ 1110 00:45:20,426 --> 00:45:22,261 -♪ Phone, phone, phone ♪ -♪ Yeah ♪ 1111 00:45:22,344 --> 00:45:23,429 ♪ Phone, phone, phone ♪ 1112 00:45:23,512 --> 00:45:25,347 ♪ Yeah, I'll just stay at home ♪ 1113 00:45:25,431 --> 00:45:28,100 ♪ And fiddle with my phone on the toilet ♪ 1114 00:45:28,183 --> 00:45:29,226 [laughter] 1115 00:45:29,309 --> 00:45:30,519 [cheering] 1116 00:45:32,521 --> 00:45:34,481 I'm gonna do my first mic drop. 1117 00:45:35,357 --> 00:45:36,734 Yeah. 1118 00:45:36,817 --> 00:45:37,651 Yeah. 1119 00:45:37,735 --> 00:45:40,821 You just got Sandoozled. 1120 00:45:41,655 --> 00:45:43,198 [laughs] 1121 00:45:43,282 --> 00:45:44,742 [sings indistinctly] 1122 00:45:44,825 --> 00:45:46,452 Yeah, yeah. 1123 00:45:46,535 --> 00:45:48,078 Sweet, sweet, sweet. 1124 00:45:49,621 --> 00:45:50,831 That was a good ending. 1125 00:45:50,914 --> 00:45:52,082 -Thank you. -[cheering] 1126 00:45:52,166 --> 00:45:53,375 [electronic music plays] 1127 00:45:53,459 --> 00:45:55,753 Whoa, what the fuck is that? What is that? 1128 00:45:56,378 --> 00:45:58,672 Oh, shit, you scared me with that one. 1129 00:45:58,756 --> 00:46:00,215 Give me a second. 1130 00:46:00,924 --> 00:46:02,676 Wait, okay. Okay, here we go. 1131 00:46:04,595 --> 00:46:05,554 This one's fun. 1132 00:46:06,764 --> 00:46:08,849 ♪ He's a very strong lad ♪ 1133 00:46:10,184 --> 00:46:12,728 ♪ But he hasn't been laid in years ♪ 1134 00:46:13,479 --> 00:46:16,106 ♪ Because the strong and handsome lad ♪ 1135 00:46:16,982 --> 00:46:20,778 ♪ Has a terrible case of UFC ears ♪ 1136 00:46:20,861 --> 00:46:23,989 ♪ UFC ears, UFC ears ♪ 1137 00:46:24,072 --> 00:46:27,117 ♪ Cauliflower wrestling, UFC ears ♪ 1138 00:46:27,618 --> 00:46:30,996 ♪ UFC ears, UFC ears ♪ 1139 00:46:31,079 --> 00:46:34,041 ♪ Swollen and disfigured UFC ears ♪ 1140 00:46:34,124 --> 00:46:36,335 ♪ He can beat you in the Octagon ♪ 1141 00:46:36,418 --> 00:46:37,461 [laughter] 1142 00:46:37,544 --> 00:46:40,130 ♪ Afterwards drink 30 beers ♪ 1143 00:46:41,298 --> 00:46:44,510 ♪ But that doesn't change The horrible fact ♪ 1144 00:46:44,593 --> 00:46:47,638 ♪ He also has a case of UFC ears ♪ 1145 00:46:48,263 --> 00:46:51,517 ♪ UFC ears, UFC ears ♪ 1146 00:46:51,600 --> 00:46:55,020 ♪ Tiny little holes in his UFC ears ♪ 1147 00:46:55,103 --> 00:46:58,398 ♪ UFC ears, UFC ears ♪ 1148 00:46:58,482 --> 00:47:01,944 ♪ Can't stop looking at those UFC ears ♪ 1149 00:47:02,027 --> 00:47:05,280 ♪ Heavyweight boxers get the broken nose ♪ 1150 00:47:05,364 --> 00:47:08,534 ♪ Ballet dancers Have those fucked up toes ♪ 1151 00:47:08,617 --> 00:47:11,912 ♪ MLB pitchers all have crazy beards ♪ 1152 00:47:11,995 --> 00:47:14,957 ♪ But I can't believe these guys Can fucking hear ♪ 1153 00:47:15,040 --> 00:47:17,042 ♪ With those UFC ears ♪ 1154 00:47:17,125 --> 00:47:18,627 ♪ UFC ears ♪ 1155 00:47:19,127 --> 00:47:22,464 ♪ Puffy and disturbing UFC ears ♪ 1156 00:47:22,548 --> 00:47:25,884 ♪ UFC ears, that's right, UFC ears ♪ 1157 00:47:25,968 --> 00:47:29,096 ♪ Cries himself to sleep He's got UFC ears ♪ 1158 00:47:29,179 --> 00:47:30,764 ♪ Now, after the show tonight ♪ 1159 00:47:32,432 --> 00:47:34,977 ♪ I'll be shaking With cheeks wet with tears ♪ 1160 00:47:35,477 --> 00:47:38,730 ♪ Because he's going to find me And beat my fucking head in ♪ 1161 00:47:39,314 --> 00:47:42,568 ♪ Screaming, "Welcome to the club Of UFC ears" ♪ 1162 00:47:42,651 --> 00:47:44,319 [cheers and applause] 1163 00:47:44,903 --> 00:47:45,737 ♪ Ears ♪ 1164 00:47:46,280 --> 00:47:47,114 ♪ Ears ♪ 1165 00:47:47,614 --> 00:47:48,448 ♪ Ears ♪ 1166 00:47:48,949 --> 00:47:49,825 ♪ Ears ♪ 1167 00:47:50,659 --> 00:47:51,994 Yeah. 1168 00:47:52,077 --> 00:47:53,036 Oh my. 1169 00:47:54,079 --> 00:47:56,957 That's some smokey shit. 1170 00:47:57,708 --> 00:47:59,668 This is not from us. There is a fucking fire. 1171 00:47:59,751 --> 00:48:02,254 Let's get the fuck out of here. Quick. 1172 00:48:02,337 --> 00:48:04,256 No, I'm just joking. Don't-- don't bail on me. 1173 00:48:04,840 --> 00:48:07,426 -Is that going into your mouth? -[laughter] 1174 00:48:08,176 --> 00:48:09,803 That's-- Yeah, that's-- [laughs] 1175 00:48:09,887 --> 00:48:11,805 That's what she said. Yes. Very good. 1176 00:48:11,889 --> 00:48:13,807 -[laughter] -That was fun. 1177 00:48:13,891 --> 00:48:15,142 Really good. 1178 00:48:15,225 --> 00:48:16,643 I liked that. 1179 00:48:16,727 --> 00:48:19,563 Yes, those UFC guys, they are built pretty fucking good. 1180 00:48:19,646 --> 00:48:20,564 I can't stand... 1181 00:48:20,647 --> 00:48:22,900 That's the only reason I don't watch. I get so angry 1182 00:48:22,983 --> 00:48:25,485 at how fucking chiselled these fucking guys are. 1183 00:48:25,569 --> 00:48:29,239 I go to the gym, of course, but I just go to pick my wife up. 1184 00:48:29,323 --> 00:48:31,658 I'm always like, "Hey, how was that? How'd it go in there?" 1185 00:48:31,742 --> 00:48:34,786 She's like, "You've got to come in." I'm like, "Yeah, definitely." 1186 00:48:35,370 --> 00:48:38,206 I got old enough now that I don't take my shirt off anymore. 1187 00:48:38,290 --> 00:48:40,709 I'm 51, 51 years old. 1188 00:48:40,792 --> 00:48:41,877 [cheers and applause] 1189 00:48:41,960 --> 00:48:44,296 So, I don't take my shirt off anymore 1190 00:48:44,379 --> 00:48:47,633 when I go swimming at, like, a hotel pool with my kids. 1191 00:48:47,716 --> 00:48:49,259 I keep my fucking shirt on. 1192 00:48:49,343 --> 00:48:51,219 I'm swimming, and everyone's pointing and stuff, 1193 00:48:51,303 --> 00:48:53,180 and like this lifeguard was yelling at me. 1194 00:48:53,263 --> 00:48:55,349 "You can't do that." I'm like, "What the fuck is... 1195 00:48:55,432 --> 00:48:58,143 I'm humiliated, buddy. I just don't want to take my fucking shirt off." 1196 00:48:58,226 --> 00:49:00,896 He's like, "No, you've got to wear a bathing suit, your dick is out." 1197 00:49:00,979 --> 00:49:02,481 I'm like, "Oh, okay. 1198 00:49:02,564 --> 00:49:05,817 Oh, this is, uh... one of the fancy Howard Johnson's. 1199 00:49:05,901 --> 00:49:06,944 I got you. 1200 00:49:07,027 --> 00:49:08,737 Fuck. Sorry, man." 1201 00:49:08,820 --> 00:49:11,323 The guys over 50 know what I'm talking about. 1202 00:49:11,406 --> 00:49:15,702 The testicles do get bigger and bigger as you get older. 1203 00:49:15,786 --> 00:49:18,622 They hang lower and whatever the fuck happens... 1204 00:49:18,705 --> 00:49:20,958 You know, you've seen it at the YMCA your whole life, 1205 00:49:21,041 --> 00:49:23,794 the older men with the giant balls, 1206 00:49:23,877 --> 00:49:25,837 and you're always wondering 1207 00:49:25,921 --> 00:49:28,757 why they're so free and happy, fucking... 1208 00:49:28,840 --> 00:49:31,009 Those are like the 85-year-old guys. 1209 00:49:31,093 --> 00:49:34,805 They don't give a fuck. They just swing it... and whatever. 1210 00:49:34,888 --> 00:49:36,598 They don't even think of throwing a towel on. 1211 00:49:36,682 --> 00:49:39,810 They're just like, "This is it. I only got a few years left. 1212 00:49:39,893 --> 00:49:43,063 I want-- You should remember me how I am, 1213 00:49:43,146 --> 00:49:45,023 with these giant..." 1214 00:49:45,107 --> 00:49:46,984 My balls are not that big, 1215 00:49:47,067 --> 00:49:50,237 but they still don't make sense on my body. 1216 00:49:50,320 --> 00:49:54,157 My dick literally looks like it's sitting in a bean bag chair. 1217 00:49:54,241 --> 00:49:57,452 Yeah, it's so comfortable. My dick never... 1218 00:49:57,536 --> 00:49:59,329 it never wants to leave the balls. 1219 00:49:59,413 --> 00:50:00,789 It's always just resting. 1220 00:50:00,872 --> 00:50:04,543 So nice, like, "I love you guys. You're my best friends." 1221 00:50:04,626 --> 00:50:06,169 [laughter] 1222 00:50:06,253 --> 00:50:09,131 The new giant balls get me into trouble with my wife now, 1223 00:50:09,214 --> 00:50:10,841 because we're both not used to them. 1224 00:50:10,924 --> 00:50:14,511 I'm behind her doing my thing, what you do when you're behind your wife. 1225 00:50:14,594 --> 00:50:16,179 And I'll hear, "Hey, hey, no spanking." 1226 00:50:16,263 --> 00:50:19,266 I'm like, "That wasn't me. That was-- That was those guys, babe." 1227 00:50:19,349 --> 00:50:20,767 And she's like, "Oh... 1228 00:50:21,351 --> 00:50:23,311 Oh, you got me again." 1229 00:50:23,395 --> 00:50:24,730 [piano plays] 1230 00:50:24,813 --> 00:50:27,441 Okay, this is for the people who either live together 1231 00:50:27,524 --> 00:50:29,109 or have been married for awhile. 1232 00:50:29,192 --> 00:50:30,360 Okay? This is for you. 1233 00:50:31,278 --> 00:50:33,655 ♪ You're giving me a strange look In the mirror ♪ 1234 00:50:33,739 --> 00:50:35,490 ♪ As I brush my teeth ♪ 1235 00:50:35,574 --> 00:50:36,575 [laughter] 1236 00:50:37,701 --> 00:50:39,453 ♪ I don't know What I could have done wrong ♪ 1237 00:50:39,536 --> 00:50:41,455 ♪ 'Cause I literally just woke up ♪ 1238 00:50:41,538 --> 00:50:42,706 [laughter] 1239 00:50:44,708 --> 00:50:47,711 ♪ Maybe you had a dream That I cheated on you ♪ 1240 00:50:47,794 --> 00:50:48,712 [laughter] 1241 00:50:48,795 --> 00:50:53,091 ♪ Or you remember something mean I said Like two fucking years ago  ♪ 1242 00:50:53,175 --> 00:50:54,301 [laughter] 1243 00:50:55,177 --> 00:50:58,847 ♪ All I know is that all day long It's gonna be weird ♪ 1244 00:50:58,930 --> 00:50:59,765 [laughter] 1245 00:50:59,848 --> 00:51:01,475 ♪ Eggshells ♪ 1246 00:51:01,558 --> 00:51:04,728 ♪ Why the hell is she walking past me Without talking? ♪ 1247 00:51:05,395 --> 00:51:06,855 ♪ Eggshells ♪ 1248 00:51:06,938 --> 00:51:08,732 ♪ I told her her hair looked good ♪ 1249 00:51:08,815 --> 00:51:10,817 ♪ And that somehow made things worse ♪ 1250 00:51:11,568 --> 00:51:12,611 [man] ♪ Eggshells ♪ 1251 00:51:12,694 --> 00:51:14,946 ♪ When she picks up the phone She uses a nice voice ♪ 1252 00:51:15,030 --> 00:51:17,699 ♪ But when she hangs up It's back to fucking monotone ♪ 1253 00:51:17,783 --> 00:51:18,784 [laughter] 1254 00:51:18,867 --> 00:51:19,951 ♪ Eggshells ♪ 1255 00:51:20,035 --> 00:51:21,953 ♪ I see you're reading a book In the kitchen ♪ 1256 00:51:22,037 --> 00:51:24,873 ♪ But she hasn't turned a page In 45 fucking minutes ♪ 1257 00:51:24,956 --> 00:51:26,249 [laughter] 1258 00:51:26,333 --> 00:51:27,667 ♪ Eggshells ♪ 1259 00:51:27,751 --> 00:51:29,711 ♪ Then I realize I said yesterday ♪ 1260 00:51:29,795 --> 00:51:32,380 ♪ I'd start going on walks with her ♪ 1261 00:51:33,131 --> 00:51:37,260 ♪ But I didn't say it With enough enthusiasm ♪ 1262 00:51:37,761 --> 00:51:39,429 -[laughter and applause] -Thank you. 1263 00:51:39,513 --> 00:51:41,431 [man] Yo, Sandman, what's your favorite vegetable? 1264 00:51:41,515 --> 00:51:43,266 Ah-ha, we get it. 1265 00:51:43,350 --> 00:51:44,768 [rock music plays] 1266 00:51:46,978 --> 00:51:47,938 Oh, shit. 1267 00:51:49,272 --> 00:51:50,315 Yeah. 1268 00:51:52,025 --> 00:51:54,319 ♪ Unh, unh, unh, unh ♪ 1269 00:51:56,404 --> 00:52:01,409 Get up! Oh, everybody in the fucking arena go fucking mental! 1270 00:52:01,493 --> 00:52:02,994 [cheering] 1271 00:52:03,078 --> 00:52:04,246 ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ 1272 00:52:05,914 --> 00:52:07,249 ♪ Feels so good ♪ 1273 00:52:08,750 --> 00:52:10,210 ♪ Kiss your body ♪ 1274 00:52:11,545 --> 00:52:13,672 ♪ Come on, let's get naughty ♪ 1275 00:52:14,256 --> 00:52:16,133 ♪ Now we're in the groove ♪ 1276 00:52:16,216 --> 00:52:19,427 ♪ Rocking so hard Her belly's starting to move, yeah ♪ 1277 00:52:20,428 --> 00:52:22,264 ♪ I'm gonna show you how ♪ 1278 00:52:22,347 --> 00:52:24,683 ♪ Nothing in the world's Gonna stop us now ♪ 1279 00:52:24,766 --> 00:52:29,396 ♪ So let's both ignore That crazy pussy fart ♪ 1280 00:52:29,479 --> 00:52:30,647 [laughter] 1281 00:52:31,273 --> 00:52:32,774 [laughs] Thank you. 1282 00:52:32,858 --> 00:52:34,776 The vagina fart 1283 00:52:34,860 --> 00:52:37,279 has been around a long time, girls. 1284 00:52:37,362 --> 00:52:38,572 No problem. It's fun. 1285 00:52:39,156 --> 00:52:42,117 The vagina fart, girls, I gotta say still gets you every time. 1286 00:52:42,200 --> 00:52:45,412 Everybody. Every fellow here enjoys them so much. 1287 00:52:45,495 --> 00:52:46,955 Just keep them coming, girls. 1288 00:52:47,873 --> 00:52:50,250 It just provides entertainment in the bedroom. 1289 00:52:50,333 --> 00:52:52,002 Guys do not say nothing about it. 1290 00:52:52,085 --> 00:52:53,962 Guys will fucking ignore it every time. 1291 00:52:54,045 --> 00:52:56,715 Just because, you know, if you comment on it, it's fucking over. 1292 00:52:56,798 --> 00:52:58,967 You're getting up and leaving and that's it. 1293 00:52:59,050 --> 00:53:02,554 So you're like, "Okay, whatever the fuck that was, let's keep... 1294 00:53:02,637 --> 00:53:04,055 Let's keep going forward." 1295 00:53:04,139 --> 00:53:07,058 I have been face-to-face with the vagina fart. 1296 00:53:07,142 --> 00:53:10,896 I've been tagged pretty hard by my wife right there. 1297 00:53:10,979 --> 00:53:12,147 I don't say shit. 1298 00:53:12,230 --> 00:53:13,857 You know, I might go like, "Uh." 1299 00:53:13,940 --> 00:53:15,609 I might give her one of those. 1300 00:53:16,193 --> 00:53:17,027 Hey, now. 1301 00:53:17,694 --> 00:53:20,655 But I always get right back in there and finish off when I started. 1302 00:53:20,739 --> 00:53:25,076 You know, if my wife hits me with like four or five of them in a row, 1303 00:53:25,160 --> 00:53:28,830 I might say, "I think you've got to do some fucking jumping jacks or some shit. 1304 00:53:29,414 --> 00:53:31,625 You know, get a Q-Tip, 1305 00:53:31,708 --> 00:53:33,001 fucking pop that... 1306 00:53:33,084 --> 00:53:35,795 You got-- Something's wrong. Something's going on with you. 1307 00:53:35,879 --> 00:53:38,548 But when you come back, I'll fucking finish you good. 1308 00:53:38,632 --> 00:53:40,008 I promise you. 1309 00:53:40,091 --> 00:53:41,843 If it was reversed... 1310 00:53:41,927 --> 00:53:44,846 let me just say... the girls would not be as sweet to us. 1311 00:53:44,930 --> 00:53:47,015 If there was a dick fart, if there was such a-- 1312 00:53:47,098 --> 00:53:50,977 There's no dick fart, but if there was a dick fart... 1313 00:53:51,061 --> 00:53:53,730 And it would be nothing. It's such a little hole. 1314 00:53:53,813 --> 00:53:55,482 The sound would be nothing. 1315 00:53:55,565 --> 00:53:57,275 Your vaginas literally are like 1316 00:53:57,359 --> 00:54:01,154 acoustically fucking made to blast out a boomer. 1317 00:54:01,696 --> 00:54:05,492 And-- And we're just like, "All right, let's play it off like it didn't happen." 1318 00:54:05,575 --> 00:54:08,370 With a dick fart, you'd be like-- At the most, it would sound like... 1319 00:54:08,453 --> 00:54:09,704 [soft whistling] 1320 00:54:09,788 --> 00:54:12,332 And you'd be like, "Whoa, what the fuck is that?" 1321 00:54:12,415 --> 00:54:13,458 [laughter] 1322 00:54:14,709 --> 00:54:15,919 [soft whistling] 1323 00:54:16,795 --> 00:54:18,171 "I'm nervous. I don't know. 1324 00:54:18,964 --> 00:54:20,382 You don't think that's cute? 1325 00:54:20,882 --> 00:54:23,009 It sounds like a little Disney character. 1326 00:54:23,093 --> 00:54:24,427 [laughter] 1327 00:54:24,511 --> 00:54:25,428 Cinderelly." 1328 00:54:26,388 --> 00:54:27,305 "I'm leaving!" 1329 00:54:27,389 --> 00:54:29,557 We'd have to play it off like it didn't happen. 1330 00:54:29,641 --> 00:54:31,017 Like, "No, I think the tea's ready. 1331 00:54:31,601 --> 00:54:32,644 [soft whistling] 1332 00:54:32,727 --> 00:54:33,728 [laughter] 1333 00:54:33,812 --> 00:54:34,729 [laughs] 1334 00:54:36,606 --> 00:54:39,526 My wife, one time, hit me in the face with a combo platter. 1335 00:54:39,609 --> 00:54:42,279 She hit me with the vagina to the mouth... 1336 00:54:42,362 --> 00:54:43,363 Up high. 1337 00:54:43,947 --> 00:54:47,284 At the very same time, hit me in the neck with the other... 1338 00:54:47,367 --> 00:54:48,451 the, uh... 1339 00:54:48,535 --> 00:54:51,496 She came up high and down low at the very same time. 1340 00:54:51,579 --> 00:54:53,999 I fucking don't know what happened. One time in 20 years. 1341 00:54:54,082 --> 00:54:56,584 Just fucking bam, in the face, one in the neck. 1342 00:54:56,668 --> 00:54:59,421 Fucking hit me hard, it was like the perfect storm. 1343 00:54:59,504 --> 00:55:01,631 We don't know what she was eating that day, 1344 00:55:01,715 --> 00:55:03,174 but whatever the fuck it was, 1345 00:55:03,258 --> 00:55:04,551 she got me good. 1346 00:55:04,634 --> 00:55:06,636 I've got to say, it literally felt like 1347 00:55:06,720 --> 00:55:09,139 somebody opened the door on a fucking airplane. 1348 00:55:09,222 --> 00:55:10,640 It was like, "Whoa!" 1349 00:55:10,724 --> 00:55:12,100 [laughter] 1350 00:55:12,183 --> 00:55:14,811 There was debris in the air and fucking... 1351 00:55:15,312 --> 00:55:18,148 Other passengers were floating through my fucking room. 1352 00:55:18,231 --> 00:55:19,316 [laughter] 1353 00:55:20,400 --> 00:55:22,902 Oxygen masks dropped down. You know, I was... 1354 00:55:22,986 --> 00:55:24,321 But I fucking took it like... 1355 00:55:24,404 --> 00:55:27,115 I did wish someone else saw it. That was fucking incredible. 1356 00:55:27,198 --> 00:55:30,952 And then I hear the ghost go, "I saw that shit. Oh, my God. 1357 00:55:31,036 --> 00:55:33,621 It fucking blew the ruler out of my hand." 1358 00:55:33,705 --> 00:55:34,706 [laughter] 1359 00:55:35,957 --> 00:55:39,461 So I tell my wife recently I would love to try anal. 1360 00:55:39,544 --> 00:55:42,630 And I say to my wife, "Hey, I would love to try anal." 1361 00:55:42,714 --> 00:55:44,466 And she goes, "Oh, I wouldn't." 1362 00:55:44,549 --> 00:55:45,800 And then I say, "Oh." 1363 00:55:45,884 --> 00:55:46,718 [laughter] 1364 00:55:46,801 --> 00:55:48,011 I said, "But I would." 1365 00:55:48,094 --> 00:55:50,138 And she goes, "Yeah, I know. I heard." 1366 00:55:50,221 --> 00:55:51,097 [laughter] 1367 00:55:51,181 --> 00:55:53,224 And then I said, "Okay, so let's..." 1368 00:55:53,308 --> 00:55:54,601 I really think we should. 1369 00:55:54,684 --> 00:55:56,353 She goes, "I'm just not into that." 1370 00:55:56,436 --> 00:55:58,229 And then I said, "You know, what? 1371 00:55:59,397 --> 00:56:00,398 I love you. 1372 00:56:00,482 --> 00:56:02,567 I'm gonna be with you for the rest of my life. 1373 00:56:02,650 --> 00:56:04,152 I've been with you 20 years. 1374 00:56:04,235 --> 00:56:06,863 I've never cheated on you. I never will cheat on you. 1375 00:56:06,946 --> 00:56:09,491 -It's you and me against the world, baby. -[cheering] 1376 00:56:09,574 --> 00:56:13,036 And, uh... I really-- I got nowhere else to get this anal. 1377 00:56:13,119 --> 00:56:14,704 -So... -[laughter] 1378 00:56:14,788 --> 00:56:16,581 I was like, "You've got to fucking help me out. 1379 00:56:16,664 --> 00:56:18,291 It's a fantasy. Please?" 1380 00:56:18,375 --> 00:56:19,250 And, uh... 1381 00:56:19,334 --> 00:56:21,961 And she was nice. She said okay. 1382 00:56:22,045 --> 00:56:24,589 And so, on my birthday, she gave it up. 1383 00:56:24,672 --> 00:56:27,384 She gave it to me, and she said she liked it. 1384 00:56:27,467 --> 00:56:29,177 She said it was fun 1385 00:56:29,260 --> 00:56:32,097 and she couldn't believe she fit her whole fist inside me... 1386 00:56:32,180 --> 00:56:34,224 -And so-- I don't know. -[laughter] 1387 00:56:34,307 --> 00:56:36,893 I said, "You see? New experiences." 1388 00:56:38,478 --> 00:56:40,188 She's a good girl. That's my baby. 1389 00:56:40,688 --> 00:56:42,107 That's my baby. 1390 00:56:42,190 --> 00:56:44,109 [Sandler] Oh, Sandman. 1391 00:56:44,192 --> 00:56:45,902 That's too much. 1392 00:56:45,985 --> 00:56:47,028 [piano plays] 1393 00:56:47,112 --> 00:56:48,071 ♪ Mmm ♪ 1394 00:56:49,656 --> 00:56:53,326 ♪ It's awfully cold in outer space today ♪ 1395 00:56:54,911 --> 00:56:57,080 ♪ The earth is just a tiny speck ♪ 1396 00:56:57,705 --> 00:56:59,499 ♪ A million miles away ♪ 1397 00:56:59,582 --> 00:57:02,585 ♪ I'm floating through the darkness ♪ 1398 00:57:02,669 --> 00:57:05,088 ♪ There's nothing much to see ♪ 1399 00:57:06,339 --> 00:57:09,092 ♪ And a Cosmonaut named Yuri ♪ 1400 00:57:09,175 --> 00:57:11,553 ♪ Is the only one with me ♪ 1401 00:57:11,636 --> 00:57:12,929 [laughter] 1402 00:57:13,012 --> 00:57:14,389 ♪ Mmm ♪ 1403 00:57:15,557 --> 00:57:18,017 ♪ Now we're in zero gravity ♪ 1404 00:57:18,101 --> 00:57:20,437 ♪ Just spinning round and round ♪ 1405 00:57:21,062 --> 00:57:23,440 ♪ The next thing you know I'm right side up ♪ 1406 00:57:23,523 --> 00:57:25,608 ♪ And Yuri's upside down ♪ 1407 00:57:26,651 --> 00:57:29,028 ♪ My penis accidentally goes In his mouth ♪ 1408 00:57:29,112 --> 00:57:30,113 [laughter] 1409 00:57:31,573 --> 00:57:35,118 ♪ His penis accidentally goes in mine ♪ 1410 00:57:35,201 --> 00:57:36,161 [laughter] 1411 00:57:37,829 --> 00:57:40,874 ♪ Yes, it's just another accident ♪ 1412 00:57:40,957 --> 00:57:43,751 ♪ On Station 69 ♪ 1413 00:57:43,835 --> 00:57:45,295 [laughter] 1414 00:57:45,378 --> 00:57:48,298 Ladies and gentlemen... Yuri. 1415 00:57:48,381 --> 00:57:49,924 [cheers and applause] 1416 00:57:52,844 --> 00:57:54,846 Hello, people of Earth. 1417 00:57:54,929 --> 00:57:56,764 [cheering and whistling] 1418 00:57:58,183 --> 00:58:01,561 ♪ It's awfully cold In outer space tonight ♪ 1419 00:58:02,061 --> 00:58:03,188 [Sandler] Yes. 1420 00:58:03,271 --> 00:58:05,648 ♪ I sent a message back to Earth ♪ 1421 00:58:05,732 --> 00:58:08,443 ♪ To tell them we're all right, yes ♪ 1422 00:58:08,526 --> 00:58:10,653 ♪ I check the telescopes ♪ 1423 00:58:10,737 --> 00:58:15,116 ♪ And look for instruments to fix ♪ 1424 00:58:15,200 --> 00:58:16,534 [laughter] 1425 00:58:17,160 --> 00:58:19,496 ♪ But my favorite part of space ♪ 1426 00:58:19,579 --> 00:58:24,000 ♪ Is when we suck each other's dicks ♪ 1427 00:58:24,083 --> 00:58:25,210 [Sandler] Absolutely. 1428 00:58:26,544 --> 00:58:28,880 ♪ We're spinning around in circles ♪ 1429 00:58:28,963 --> 00:58:31,716 ♪ And it feels very nice ♪ 1430 00:58:31,799 --> 00:58:34,427 ♪ When we kiss each other's penis tips ♪ 1431 00:58:34,511 --> 00:58:36,930 ♪ It seems like paradise ♪ 1432 00:58:37,514 --> 00:58:39,724 -♪ We're travelling in light speed ♪ -Yes. 1433 00:58:39,807 --> 00:58:43,770 ♪ It's an intergalactic ride ♪ 1434 00:58:46,022 --> 00:58:48,024 ♪ Well, we used to have a monkey ♪ 1435 00:58:48,107 --> 00:58:48,942 Remember? 1436 00:58:49,025 --> 00:58:53,488 ♪ But I fucked it till it died ♪ 1437 00:58:53,571 --> 00:58:54,572 Yes, yes. 1438 00:58:55,406 --> 00:58:58,117 ♪ Yes, we're in zero gravity ♪ 1439 00:58:58,201 --> 00:59:00,495 ♪ Just spinning round and round ♪ 1440 00:59:00,995 --> 00:59:03,873 ♪ The next thing you know I'm right-side up ♪ 1441 00:59:03,957 --> 00:59:05,792 ♪ And I am upside down ♪ 1442 00:59:05,875 --> 00:59:07,335 [cheering and whistling] 1443 00:59:10,672 --> 00:59:14,050 ♪ He accidentally puts his penis In my mouth ♪ 1444 00:59:14,133 --> 00:59:17,762 ♪ And he puts his penis in mine ♪ 1445 00:59:17,845 --> 00:59:18,972 [laughter] 1446 00:59:20,473 --> 00:59:23,935 ♪ Yes, it's just another accident ♪ 1447 00:59:24,769 --> 00:59:27,188 ♪ It's just another thing That on purpose I did ♪ 1448 00:59:27,272 --> 00:59:28,648 [laughter] 1449 00:59:28,731 --> 00:59:30,567 ♪ It's-- It's just... ♪ 1450 00:59:30,650 --> 00:59:32,277 [laughs] 1451 00:59:32,360 --> 00:59:35,363 ♪ It's just another afternoon ♪ 1452 00:59:35,446 --> 00:59:41,119 [both] ♪ On Station 69 ♪ 1453 00:59:41,202 --> 00:59:42,829 [cheers and applause] 1454 00:59:42,912 --> 00:59:45,415 Go! Go back! Go back to space! 1455 00:59:45,498 --> 00:59:46,791 Get out of here! 1456 00:59:46,874 --> 00:59:48,668 Take him away! 1457 00:59:54,090 --> 00:59:55,008 [laughs] 1458 00:59:55,508 --> 00:59:57,010 What are you doing? 1459 00:59:57,093 --> 00:59:58,136 Help him. 1460 01:00:00,138 --> 01:00:01,472 [laughs] 1461 01:00:08,688 --> 01:00:10,440 All right, guys, gonna do this one. 1462 01:00:10,523 --> 01:00:12,900 This is a very special song. I hope you like it. 1463 01:00:12,984 --> 01:00:14,944 It means a lot to us. Here we go. 1464 01:00:15,028 --> 01:00:16,070 [cheering] 1465 01:00:16,154 --> 01:00:17,614 [low-tempo music plays] 1466 01:00:43,931 --> 01:00:45,850 ♪ The first time I saw him ♪ 1467 01:00:45,933 --> 01:00:48,811 ♪ He was sweeter than shit ♪ 1468 01:00:52,190 --> 01:00:54,484 ♪ Plaid jacket and belt too tight ♪ 1469 01:00:54,567 --> 01:00:56,819 ♪ He wasn't even doing a bit ♪ 1470 01:00:59,572 --> 01:01:01,616 ♪ Then he cartwheeled around the room ♪ 1471 01:01:01,699 --> 01:01:04,035 ♪ And slow-danced with the cleaning lady ♪ 1472 01:01:04,702 --> 01:01:06,996 ♪ He was a one-man party ♪ 1473 01:01:07,955 --> 01:01:10,166 ♪ You know who I'm talking about ♪ 1474 01:01:10,249 --> 01:01:13,169 ♪ I'm talking about My friend Chris Farley ♪ 1475 01:01:13,252 --> 01:01:14,754 [cheering] 1476 01:01:19,967 --> 01:01:25,181 ♪ On Saturday night My man would always deliver ♪ 1477 01:01:27,684 --> 01:01:29,769 ♪ Whether he was the Bumblebee girl ♪ 1478 01:01:29,852 --> 01:01:33,398 ♪ Or livin' in a van down by the river ♪ 1479 01:01:33,481 --> 01:01:34,816 [cheering] 1480 01:01:35,858 --> 01:01:40,196 ♪ He loved the bears and did the dance At Chippendale's with Swayze ♪ 1481 01:01:40,279 --> 01:01:42,448 ♪ When they replaced his coffee With Folgers ♪ 1482 01:01:42,532 --> 01:01:44,325 ♪ He went fucking crazy ♪ 1483 01:01:44,409 --> 01:01:46,035 ♪ The sexiest Gap girl ♪ 1484 01:01:46,119 --> 01:01:48,496 ♪ And Meatloaf in the band ♪ 1485 01:01:48,579 --> 01:01:52,250 ♪ Without him, there'd be no Lunch Lady In Lunch Lady Land ♪ 1486 01:01:52,333 --> 01:01:54,544 ♪ You know who I'm thinking about ♪ 1487 01:01:54,627 --> 01:01:57,797 ♪ I'm thinking about my boy Chris Farley ♪ 1488 01:01:57,880 --> 01:01:58,881 [cheering] 1489 01:02:34,250 --> 01:02:36,169 [man] I love you, Sandman! 1490 01:03:04,906 --> 01:03:06,407 [cheers and applause] 1491 01:03:18,795 --> 01:03:21,464 ♪ After a show He'd drink a quart of Jack Daniels ♪ 1492 01:03:21,547 --> 01:03:23,800 ♪ And stick the bottle right up his ass ♪ 1493 01:03:23,883 --> 01:03:25,051 [laughter] 1494 01:03:26,511 --> 01:03:29,013 ♪ But hungover as hell That Catholic boy ♪ 1495 01:03:29,096 --> 01:03:31,891 ♪ Always showed up to morning mass ♪ 1496 01:03:34,477 --> 01:03:38,689 ♪ We'd tell him, "Slow down You'll end up like Belushi and Candy ♪ 1497 01:03:38,773 --> 01:03:40,733 ♪ He said, "Those guys are my heroes" ♪ 1498 01:03:40,817 --> 01:03:42,777 ♪ That's all fine and dandy ♪ 1499 01:03:42,860 --> 01:03:44,612 ♪ I ain't making that shit up ♪ 1500 01:03:44,695 --> 01:03:47,949 ♪ That's the truth About my boy Chris Farley ♪ 1501 01:03:48,032 --> 01:03:49,617 [cheers and applause] 1502 01:03:51,828 --> 01:03:55,998 ♪ I saw him in the office Crying with his headphones on ♪ 1503 01:03:56,082 --> 01:03:59,710 ♪ Listening To a KC and the Sunshine Band song ♪ 1504 01:03:59,794 --> 01:04:03,506 ♪ I said buddy, "How the hell Is that making you so sad?" ♪ 1505 01:04:04,090 --> 01:04:05,466 ♪ Then he laughed and said ♪ 1506 01:04:05,967 --> 01:04:07,969 ♪ Just thinking about my dad ♪ 1507 01:04:13,015 --> 01:04:14,433 [applause] 1508 01:04:18,688 --> 01:04:21,148 ♪ The last big hang we had ♪ 1509 01:04:21,232 --> 01:04:23,818 ♪ Was at Timmy Meadows' wedding party ♪ 1510 01:04:26,571 --> 01:04:29,574 ♪ We laughed our balls off All night long ♪ 1511 01:04:29,657 --> 01:04:31,659 ♪ Off the coast of Florida ♪ 1512 01:04:34,328 --> 01:04:36,247 ♪ But a few months later ♪ 1513 01:04:36,330 --> 01:04:38,583 ♪ The party came to an end ♪ 1514 01:04:38,666 --> 01:04:40,585 ♪ We flew out to Madison ♪ 1515 01:04:40,668 --> 01:04:42,670 ♪ To bury our friend ♪ 1516 01:04:42,753 --> 01:04:46,591 ♪ Nothing was harder than saying goodbye ♪ 1517 01:04:46,674 --> 01:04:51,512 ♪ Except watching Chris' father Have his turn to cry ♪ 1518 01:04:52,722 --> 01:04:55,516 ♪ Mmm ♪ 1519 01:05:02,315 --> 01:05:04,692 ♪ Hey, buddy, life's moved on ♪ 1520 01:05:04,775 --> 01:05:07,820 ♪ But you still bring us so much joy ♪ 1521 01:05:07,904 --> 01:05:09,363 [cheers and applause] 1522 01:05:10,489 --> 01:05:13,826 ♪ Make my kids laugh With your YouTube clips ♪ 1523 01:05:13,910 --> 01:05:16,037 ♪ Or Tommy Boy ♪ 1524 01:05:16,120 --> 01:05:18,414 [cheers and applause] 1525 01:05:18,497 --> 01:05:22,460 ♪ Well, when they ask me Who's the funniest guy I ever knew ♪ 1526 01:05:22,543 --> 01:05:26,505 ♪ I tell them hands down Without a doubt, it's you ♪ 1527 01:05:26,589 --> 01:05:28,382 ♪ Yeah, I miss hanging out ♪ 1528 01:05:28,466 --> 01:05:30,718 ♪ Watching you try to get laid ♪ 1529 01:05:30,801 --> 01:05:34,430 ♪ But most of all I miss Watching you fuck with Spade ♪ 1530 01:05:34,513 --> 01:05:36,265 ♪ Well, it ended how you wanted ♪ 1531 01:05:36,349 --> 01:05:38,893 ♪ But I still wish you were here with me ♪ 1532 01:05:39,477 --> 01:05:42,063 ♪ And we were getting on a plane To go shoot ♪ 1533 01:05:42,146 --> 01:05:45,149 ♪ Grown Ups 3 ♪ 1534 01:05:45,775 --> 01:05:49,445 ♪ Yeah, life ain't the same Without you, boy ♪ 1535 01:05:50,613 --> 01:05:52,990 ♪ And that's why I'm singing about ♪ 1536 01:05:53,074 --> 01:05:57,662 ♪ I'm singing about My friend Chris Farley ♪ 1537 01:05:58,287 --> 01:06:01,082 ♪ And if we make enough noise ♪ 1538 01:06:01,165 --> 01:06:03,000 ♪ Maybe he'll hear us ♪ 1539 01:06:03,084 --> 01:06:04,251 [whistling] 1540 01:06:04,335 --> 01:06:05,378 [cheering] 1541 01:06:05,461 --> 01:06:10,549 ♪ Give it up for the great ♪ 1542 01:06:10,633 --> 01:06:15,054 ♪ Chris Farley ♪ 1543 01:06:15,137 --> 01:06:16,639 [cheers and applause] 1544 01:06:43,374 --> 01:06:46,335 By far the funniest fucking guy of all time, 1545 01:06:46,419 --> 01:06:47,920 the Farls, man. 1546 01:06:48,462 --> 01:06:50,047 Yeah, baby, so thank you. 1547 01:06:50,131 --> 01:06:54,010 I couldn't wait to sing that to you guys, and I knew it would be special here. 1548 01:06:54,093 --> 01:06:55,011 And thank you. 1549 01:06:55,094 --> 01:06:56,846 [cheers and applause] 1550 01:06:59,557 --> 01:07:01,225 He was the best. He was the best. 1551 01:07:01,308 --> 01:07:04,478 Okay, you guys, I'm gonna sing you this song right now. 1552 01:07:04,562 --> 01:07:06,397 This is the kind of a sweet song. 1553 01:07:06,480 --> 01:07:11,110 I sing it to my wife, because she lets me talk about so many things 1554 01:07:11,193 --> 01:07:13,195 in front of you people. [laughs] 1555 01:07:13,279 --> 01:07:14,822 And she doesn't even get mad at me. 1556 01:07:14,905 --> 01:07:16,407 She's pretty damn cool. So here we go. 1557 01:07:18,200 --> 01:07:20,453 ♪ I met you 20 years ago ♪ 1558 01:07:20,536 --> 01:07:22,371 ♪ And we talked all night ♪ 1559 01:07:23,205 --> 01:07:24,582 ♪ You drank me under the table ♪ 1560 01:07:24,665 --> 01:07:26,792 ♪ Yeah, it was love at first sight ♪ 1561 01:07:26,876 --> 01:07:29,170 ♪ I knew right then and there ♪ 1562 01:07:29,837 --> 01:07:32,757 ♪ I'd grow old with you ♪ 1563 01:07:32,840 --> 01:07:34,175 [cheers and applause] 1564 01:07:35,301 --> 01:07:37,428 ♪ I said I'd tell you jokes ♪ 1565 01:07:37,511 --> 01:07:39,847 ♪ Whenever you are sad ♪ 1566 01:07:39,930 --> 01:07:43,476 ♪ Make you a mom if you made me a dad ♪ 1567 01:07:43,559 --> 01:07:46,062 ♪ Oh, it's been so much fun ♪ 1568 01:07:47,021 --> 01:07:50,066 ♪ Growing old with you ♪ 1569 01:07:50,149 --> 01:07:50,983 ♪ Oh, oh ♪ 1570 01:07:51,067 --> 01:07:52,068 [cheering] 1571 01:07:52,151 --> 01:07:54,195 ♪ I love you ♪ 1572 01:07:54,278 --> 01:07:56,155 ♪ Foot rub you ♪ 1573 01:07:56,655 --> 01:08:00,242 ♪ Tell you you're the only one I'm thinking of ♪ 1574 01:08:00,326 --> 01:08:02,453 ♪ Make big decisions with you ♪ 1575 01:08:02,536 --> 01:08:04,538 ♪ Try new positions with you ♪ 1576 01:08:04,622 --> 01:08:05,498 [laughs] 1577 01:08:06,415 --> 01:08:10,252 ♪ Even sit and watch Fucking Eat Pray Love ♪ 1578 01:08:10,336 --> 01:08:11,295 [laughter] 1579 01:08:11,378 --> 01:08:12,922 ♪ Two times in a row ♪ 1580 01:08:13,005 --> 01:08:13,881 [laughter] 1581 01:08:13,964 --> 01:08:16,175 ♪ Now when I'm on a diet ♪ 1582 01:08:16,258 --> 01:08:18,636 ♪ You take away my potatoes ♪ 1583 01:08:19,386 --> 01:08:23,140 ♪ Say, "Fuck all those guys" After reading Rotten Tomatoes ♪ 1584 01:08:23,641 --> 01:08:26,060 ♪ I hope they all die miserable deaths ♪ 1585 01:08:26,560 --> 01:08:29,772 ♪ As I grow old with you ♪ 1586 01:08:29,855 --> 01:08:31,232 [cheering] 1587 01:08:31,857 --> 01:08:33,692 ♪ You scold me ♪ 1588 01:08:33,776 --> 01:08:35,736 ♪ You hold me ♪ 1589 01:08:36,237 --> 01:08:40,199 ♪ Look the other way When I dress like a pimp ♪ 1590 01:08:40,282 --> 01:08:41,909 ♪ You cry to me ♪ 1591 01:08:41,992 --> 01:08:44,203 ♪ You lie to me ♪ 1592 01:08:44,787 --> 01:08:46,288 ♪ But only when you tell me ♪ 1593 01:08:46,372 --> 01:08:47,915 ♪ That the dick looks big ♪ 1594 01:08:47,998 --> 01:08:49,542 [laughter] 1595 01:08:49,625 --> 01:08:50,501 [laughs] 1596 01:08:51,085 --> 01:08:53,337 ♪ Now, we don't need a big house ♪ 1597 01:08:53,420 --> 01:08:55,381 ♪ We don't need any money ♪ 1598 01:08:56,006 --> 01:08:57,925 ♪ All we need is you and me ♪ 1599 01:08:58,008 --> 01:09:00,010 ♪ And Sadie and Sunny ♪ 1600 01:09:00,094 --> 01:09:01,929 ♪ I got everything I want ♪ 1601 01:09:03,055 --> 01:09:05,891 ♪ Growing old with you ♪ 1602 01:09:05,975 --> 01:09:08,561 And this goes for all of you guys here tonight. 1603 01:09:08,644 --> 01:09:10,604 -[man] Yeah! -[cheering] 1604 01:09:10,688 --> 01:09:14,817 ♪ Thanks for growing old with... ♪ 1605 01:09:40,801 --> 01:09:44,221 ♪ Me ♪ 1606 01:09:44,305 --> 01:09:46,682 All right, you all, thank you so much. 1607 01:09:47,516 --> 01:09:48,601 Respect! 1608 01:09:49,768 --> 01:09:51,562 Rock and roll. I love you too. 1609 01:09:51,645 --> 01:09:53,105 Let's do it again sometime. 1610 01:09:53,772 --> 01:09:55,524 Thank you. Thank you. 1611 01:09:56,275 --> 01:09:59,570 Well, folks, I've been given the light and I must go. But thank you very much. 1612 01:09:59,653 --> 01:10:01,030 Enjoy the rest of the show. 1613 01:10:01,113 --> 01:10:02,406 [cheers and applause] 1614 01:10:02,489 --> 01:10:04,408 [mid-tempo instrumental music plays] 1615 01:10:54,792 --> 01:10:55,918 ♪ Ears ♪ 1616 01:11:24,029 --> 01:11:25,239 ♪ Ears ♪ 1617 01:12:27,176 --> 01:12:28,260 ♪ Ears ♪ 1618 01:12:42,191 --> 01:12:43,359 ♪ Ears ♪ 1619 01:12:57,289 --> 01:12:58,957 [applause] 1620 01:13:01,668 --> 01:13:04,213 -[Sandler] I got-- Go ahead. -Why did the chicken cross the road? 1621 01:13:04,296 --> 01:13:06,256 [Sandler] Why did the chicken cross the road? Why? 1622 01:13:06,340 --> 01:13:10,386 Because he wanted to get some diarrhea to eat for breakfast. 1623 01:13:10,469 --> 01:13:12,971 [Sandler laughs] Okay, your turn. 1624 01:13:13,055 --> 01:13:15,808 Hey, Dad. Hey, just so you know. Don't forget, I'm Sadie. 1625 01:13:15,891 --> 01:13:17,935 [Sandler] Ah-ha. Go ahead, Sunny. 1626 01:13:18,018 --> 01:13:21,897 Why did the M&M walk away from me? 1627 01:13:21,980 --> 01:13:22,940 [Sandler] Why? 1628 01:13:23,023 --> 01:13:26,985 Because it wanted to go pee on my dress. 1629 01:13:27,069 --> 01:13:28,529 [Sandler laughs] 1630 01:13:36,870 --> 01:13:38,580 Terrific. 123462

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