Original subtitles

Something familiar, something peculiar

Something for everyone: a comedy tonight

Something appealing, something appalling

Something for everyone: a comedy tonight

Nothing for kings

Nothing for crowns

Bring on the lovers, liars and clowns

Old situations, new complications

Nothing portentous or polite

Tragedy tomorrow, comedy tonight

Something convulsive, something repulsive

Something for everyone: a comedy tonight

Something aesthetic, something frenetic

Something for everyone: a comedy tonight

Nothing of gods, nothing of fate

Weighty affairs will just have to wait

Our principal characters live... on this street,

in a less fashionable suburb of Rome, in these three houses.

First, the house of Erronius, a befuddled old man,

abroad now in search of his children, stolen in infancy by pirates.

Something erratic, something dramatic

Something for everyone: a comedy tonight

Second, the house of Lycus, a buyer and seller of the flesh of beautiful women.

That's for those of you who have no interest in pirates.

Something for everyone.

A comedy tonight

And, finally, the house of Senex, who lives here with his wife and son.

Also in this house dwells Pseudolus, slave to his son.

Pseudolus is my favourite character in the piece...

a role of enormous variety and nuance,

and played by an actor of such versatility, such magnificent range, such...

Let me put it this way... I play the part.

Something familiar, something peculiar

Something for everyone: a comedy tonight

Something that's gaudy, something that's bawdy

Something for everybody's taste

Pantaloons and tunics

Courtesans and eunuchs

Funerals and chases

Baritones and basses

- Panderers - Philanderers

- Cupidity - Timidity

- Mistakes - Fakes

- Rhymes - Mimes

Tumblers, grumblers, fumblers, bumblers

No royal curse, no Trojan Horse

And there's a happy ending of course

Goodness and badness

Man in his madness

This time it all turns out all right

Tragedy tomorrow

Comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy

Comedy tonight

Hup! Hie!

You, boy. Why are we stopping? Hurry up.

My dear and noble neighbours, my apologies.

Since moving in next door I've been remiss in not calling to pay my respects.

However, it is our inaugural week, and you know what that is.

I certainly do not. Move on.

All right, don't stand. Move. Move! Hup.

A common flesh pedlar in the house next to ours. Disgusting!

Disgraceful. All that revolting flesh, just next door.

- Make way for the house of Senex. - Senex, wait.

Wait.

Is this not Pseudolus, your slave? He was parading as a citizen.

Believe me, mistress, I was not parading. I was walking humbly like a slave.

He invited us to game with him. He cheated us out of nine minae.

- Nine? I took seven. - Return nine.

One. Two. Three. Four. I'm being cheated out of the money I won fairly.

- Pseudolus. - Seven. Eight.

- Where's five and six? - I'm coming to them. Nine. Five. Six.

Thank you, citizens. Do not fear, he will be punished.

- Farewell. - Farewell.

- Now... - I know, I should be whipped.

Gently. However, my intentions were of the noblest.

Hearing that you were visiting your dear mother,

I wanted to purchase a remembrance... some bath essence, a new spear.

Fifty more lashes for lying.

You were doing what you always do... seeking money to buy your freedom.

Freedom? Oh, madam, who would want to be free of you?

Who indeed?

- Hysterium? - My mistress calls.

Slave-in-chief, drag this man home and beat him without mercy.

- I shall be brutal. - Good. Up.

We go to buy a breeder slave. Attend to him, Hysterium, my slave of slaves.

I live to grovel. I shall lash him to pulp. I shall wear out eight whips.

Strong men will blanch. My arm will...

Come along. They're all from Gaul and they're all from Egypt.

You, sir... and you.

Come along now, gents. They're all fresh in today. Don't waste my time.

No? Try Fertilla the Populator. 300 pounds of fertile flesh.

Has produced 18 healthy little slaves, and is capable of producing 18 more.

You won't regret it.

Oh!

It is time we were gone. Senex?

Hysterium?

Ah, here you are. And there I am. A gift for my mother on the anniversary of her birth.

104 and not an organ in working condition.

- Will it please her? - The craftsmanship is superb.

- And the likeness? - Frightening.

We go.

Hysterium, here are my husband's final instructions. Watch over our son Hero.

Keep him cheerful, well fed and far from the opposite sex.

He must learn sometime.

When that time comes, you shall teach him... what little you know.

Above all, do not let his eyes stray to that house next door. I hold you responsible.

- Rather than let you down, I would die. - That is what I had in mind.

- Furthermore... - We are on our way.

- We are on our way. - Come, Senex. Carry my bust with pride.

Yes, dear. A lesson to remember: never fall in love during a total eclipse.

Thank you, sir.

- Where is Hero? - He's in his room, studying with his tutor.

"The sun and the moon revolve around the Earth, as do the four planets."

"Above all there is a great blue bowl, which is the sky. There are many stars..."

"..capable of much pleasure, among which the brushing of a flower..."

"Many stars have been named by the Egyptian astronomers,

but we have developed our modern system of astronomy from the Greeks."

Who, as you know, were very poor scholars.

"The Earth is a flat platform of ground that meets..."

Take this message of my love to she who has captured my heart.

That breeder woman, has she been thrown a mate yet?

Alas, she refuses just any slave. She demands to choose.

Choose? She'll breed and like it, like everyone else. Almost everyone.

We caught your runaway slave. Now he dare challenge our right to execute him.

I'm a family slave. What's the good of that if you're executed by strangers?

- He is correct. We shall torture him. - See how they look after their own?

Hold your tongue. Thank you, Officer.

Now, what can we devise? Something suitable and lingering.

- May I suggest...? - You may not.

- Hang him. - Hanging is too good for him.

- Much too good. - By the feet?

That doesn't hurt much.

Hanging by the feet while being lashed. They hate that.

They should hate that. If I suggest that we try to find some other method,

it is only because I happen to be completely impervious to physical pain,

and I can't stand the thought of spoiling your pleasure.

- I thought you were impervious to pain. - Not my own.

Ah!

- You like him? - I like him.

Have him. Congratulations, your life has been spared.

May it be long, healthy and productive.

Productive as a breeder?

Hang me.

This is your house. Come, come.

Well, visit at any time, dear neighbour.

No obligation to buy, just come in and browse.

Senex! Come away from that house of shame.

I was only just standing here and saying "Shame, shame."

For your own good, Hysterium, look after Hero.

Shh!

- What brings you up here? - I was trying to get in...

In there? You must never know what goes on in that house.

- But I do know. - You do? Isn't it amazing?

- Pseudolus, I'm in love! - Well, that's very...

In love? You? Who is she?

Sometimes you can see her in that window.

A common courtesan in the house of Lycus?

- Is that disgraceful? - It doesn't sound like an achievement.

I don't care. I will give anything for her. Anything.

- You really love that girl? - Oh!

I like the way you said that.

Master Hero, you cannot buy her... at your age you're not allowed to buy her...

but suppose someone with tremendous cunning could arrange for her to be yours.

Yes.

If that someone could arrange it, what would you give me?

I will give you everything I own.

But what do you own? 20 minae, a collection of seashells... and me.

Yes.

Forget about the minae and the seashells. Just give me me.

- Give you you? - My freedom.

Pseudolus, people do not go around freeing slaves every day.

Be the first, start a fashion.

- Get me that girl. - And if I do?

- You are free. - I am what?

- Free. - Free!

If I've told you once I've told you a hundred times,

do not fan the girls when they're wet!

But you'll never learn. You'll be a eunuch all your life.

Oh! You bitch!

I know that sound. And I love it.

Ugh! You. How did you come into money?

An unexpected legacy.

My uncle Simo, the Carthaginian elephant breeder, came to an untimely end.

He was crushed to death on the last day of the mating season.

- This morning I bought my freedom. - Congratulations... citizen.

With this much left over for one gross indulgence.

Lycus, I am in the market for a lifetime companion.

I say in all modesty, I have an assortment of beauty second to none, and... Who?

My former young master. Thought I'd further his education.

He's bored with picture books. You understand?

Who better than I? Come in, little boy, won't you?

Eunuchs, quickly. A buyer!

Was 1 a good year?

Now, for your approval and possible purchase, from out of the East,

with the face of an idol, the arms of a willow tree, the pelvis of a camel:

Tintinabula.

Was this the one?

No.

Don't you have anyone in there a bit less noisy?

I have.

Vibrata. A desert bloom of indescribable beauty. Lithe as a tigress.

Wondrous as a flamingo. For he whose interest is the wildlife.

Thank you.

- No. - Uh!

Frankly, I was hoping to live past my wedding night. She seems a bit too...

No matter. I understand.

Consider the Gemini: a matched pair.

Look at them... either one a divinely assembled woman,

together, an infinite number of mathematical possibilities.

No.

I'm a man of limited means, and I don't suppose you'd want to break up a set.

I couldn't. You do understand?

Completely. Do go on.

And on, and on, and on, and on, and on.

Enough! I know what you want. Behold Panacea.

Panacea, whose face holds a thousand promises,

and a body that stands behind each promise.

No.

Don't misunderstand... it's the proportions. I love the breadth, it's the length.

She may be the right length, but is she right for me? You see what I mean?

- Isn't she a bit too short? - Definitely not.

- Too tall? - That's where you're perfect together.

Yes, but how often will we find ourselves in this position?

No need to compromise.

My final offering: Gymnasia, the silent woman.

A giant stage upon which a thousand dramas may be played.

You can speak with her?

Whilst a child I had a nurse from the Isle of Silent Women.

- May I have my foot back? - You poor child.

- Pseudolus! - Yes, darling?

Do you want your freedom?

- More than ever. I'll take her. - That's not the one.

But yours isn't here. It's not nice to walk out without buying...

I want my...

If you must squabble, do it in a place of less character.

I know your type: shoppers.

Please don't touch the merchandise. It shows every mark.

Courtesans, back to your quarters. I'll be back for noonday prayers.

Move. Do you mind? Out! Please, quickly, out. Both of you, go.

- Quickly, out. Out. - There she is!

One moment. Did I not just spy a golden head with sky-blue eyes on yon balcony?

Oh, that one. A recent arrival from Crete. A virgin.

- A virgin. - Is that good?

- Only today she was sold. - Sold?

Then receive, O bosom, thy fatal blade.

Behave yourself. She was sold?

Yes. To the agents of a Roman captain. He claims her this very day.

- Today! - She cost 500 minae.

- Then receive, O bosom, thy... - Put your bosom away.

- You say she just arrived from Crete? - Yes.

I hope the captain is kind to her. She deserves a bit of affection before...

- Tragic, is it not? - What? What's tragic?

- The news from Crete. - What news?

Why should I darken your day? Farewell, Lycus.

- What is the news? - What news?

- The news from Crete? - You force me to tell you.

Crete is being ravaged by a plague. People are dying by the thousands.

This girl is healthy. She smiles through the day.

I thought you knew... when they smile, the end is near.

- No. - Yes.

I'm told it is lovely now in Crete... everyone lying there, smiling.

Is it... is it contagious?

- You ever see a plague that wasn't? - What about my other girls?

You'd best get her out of here.

- Yes. But where? How? - I'll take her before the captain arrives.

Capital! I'll go fetch her. Why should you risk...?

Because I've already had the plague. I would tell you all about it, but...

No. I'll go fetch her. Don't go away.

Pseudolus, I'm to be with her!

- Until the captain arrives this forenoon. - Yes.

- Wait. - Yes?

- A brilliant idea. - Yes!

That's what we need, a brilliant idea.

Go, go! Get a move on. No, don't touch that pillar. Go, go.

Mind your breathing... just inhale. Go, go.

Pseudolus, how kind you are. I shall not forget this.

Someday I shall repay you, for you, Pseudolus, are a true friend.

And you, Lycus, are a gentleman and a procurer.

Psst!

To the garden, and break the news that you're gonna run away to marry her.

- Won't I catch the plague? - There is no plague. We made that up.

- Clever of us. - Wasn't it?

I'll hie myself to the harbour to hire a boat. Hoe you to the garden.

You hie... and I'll hoe.

Good luck.

- My name is Hero. - My name is Philia.

- I've often seen you. - I've often seen you, too.

I've watched you undressing at night. Only from the waist up. It's a high window.

You have beautiful legs.

What?

Oh.

You do, too.

I imagine, I mean.

I would show them to you, but they're sold.

I cost 500 minae. Is that a lot of money?

- Yes. - More than 300?

- Nearly twice as much. - Three and five, they always mix me up.

I hope the captain doesn't expect me to do adding.

You can't add?

We're taught charm and grace, and no more. I cannot add or spell or anything.

I have but one talent.

I'm lovely

All I am is lovely

Lovely is the one thing I can do

Winsome

What I am is winsome

Radiant as in some dream come true

Oh

Isn't it a shame?

I can neither sew nor cook

Nor read nor write my name

But I'm happy

Merely being lovely

For it's one thing I can give to you

Philia, say my name.

- Just say your name? - Yes.

Very well, then.

I've forgotten it.

It's Hero.

Forgive me, Hero. I've no memory for names.

You don't need one. You don't need anything.

You're lovely

Absolutely lovely

Who'd believe the loveliness of you?

Winsome

Sweet and warm and winsome

Radiant as in some dream come true

Now Venus would seem tame

Helen and her thousand ships would have to die of shame

And I'm happy

- Happy that I'm lovely - Happy that you're lovely

For there's one thing loveliness can do

It's a gift for me to share

With you

Psst! Psst!

Master Hero, put that down.

Hysterium, this is Philia.

Never mind who she is, who is she? Where did you find her?

- In the house of Lycus. - A courtesan? No!

- I am a virgin. - Of course.

Master Hero, bid farewell to this person so that she can go about her... business.

- No, no, no. Pseudolus said... - Pseudolus? I might have known it!

A passage to Thessaly for two at the first tide.

- In one hour. - Good. Now, care to play for the boat?

How dare you! Arranging an assignation between a boy and a you-know-what!

There's something about that you-know-what you know not.

- What do I know not? - That girl is my daughter.

- Your what? - You've heard me speak of her.

- Never. That girl is not your daughter. - My sister?

- I go tell his parents. - Wait!

He insisted on meeting her, but she was sold to a captain who claims her today.

What can happen in an hour?

At his age? The mind boggles. I go tell his parents.

- I go with you. - You wait till I tell them about you.

No. You wait till I tell them about you.

Tell them what about me? I am a pillar of virtue.

It may be of interest that their pillar of virtue, their slave-in-chief,

has secreted in his cubicle Rome's most extensive collection of erotic pottery.

When did you acquire that large fruit bowl with the frieze of the...?

Pseudolus...

- Neither of us is perfect. - If it is only for an hour or so.

Where's the harm? Especially with the master and mistress safely out of the way.

I'm worried about Hero. Perhaps I should go back and keep a fatherly eye...

Senex!

- Stop! - Whoa!

- I saw that. - I was stung by a bee.

- Oh, my nose! - We shall have to have it resharpened.

Here?

I suppose I could hasten back to the stonecutter and join you tomorrow mor...

No. The trip would tire me. I should be exhausted.

You shall go back, you selfish toad. Now.

But, my love, I don't know how I shall survive the long lonely night without you.

You'll just have to force yourself.

I've just been to the harbour. We must hurry.

- Are you going somewhere? - No, but you are.

I cannot go.

Why can you not?

While the captain has a contract, I must go with him. I must honour my contract.

An honest virgin. What a terrible combination.

Excuse me. We'll give her a little knock on the head and...

No, I will not use force against her.

Venus, why did you bring us together only to part us?

Be brave, Hero.

For us, there will never be happiness.

Then we must learn to be happy without it. When will the captain take me?

In due time you will be taken, but not in the garden.

- Inside. - How shall I know it's him?

He will knock on the door three times. Go on upstairs and wait.

My mistress's bedroom, the green one. Go, go. Up, up, up. Go, go, go. Master...

Master, she will go with you, I promise.

She's gone. Good.

Then I'll get you a nice plump peahen. We must try to get your appetite back to food.

- Our passport to freedom. - What is it?

I lifted Hysterium's book of potions. We'll mix a sleeping potion in a beaker of wine.

We'll give it to the girl to drink and tell Lycus she died of the plague.

You hie her to the boat. I hie me to the hills... free!

- Brilliant! - Not brilliant, just... Well, yes, brilliant.

I just remembered something frightening.

I cannot read. Find the sleeping potions, quickly. The ingredients, quickly.

- Eye of an eel. - That we have.

- Heart of a snail. - That we have.

- A cup of mare sweat. - That we have not.

Mare sweat. Where will we find mare sweat on a day like this?

Quick! You to the north, I to the south.

- This is exciting. - Isn't it? Go!

Follow me!

- That way. - Yes, yes.

The green bedroom? Knock three times?

The captain.

Take me. Take me.

- I beg your pardon? - Take me.

Just a moment.

Now, what did you say?

Take me, my body is yours. Is this not what you want?

- It has crossed my mind. - But you must know something.

Yes?

Though you may have my body, you shall never have my heart.

You can't have everything.

A thousand thanks... whichever one of you did this.

Would you believe it? There was a mare sweating not two streets from here.

- Looks more like his father every day. - Pseudolus, he's here.

- No. - Remember where we stopped.

- Sir, you're back. - She almost broke it. Who is she?

You may well ask. "Who is she?" you ask, as well you may.

- Delightful. - I await your bidding.

- My bid... - Ever your servant.

- Ever my servant. - That's it. Your servant. Your new maid.

- New maid? She seems very loyal. - Very courteous, efficient, thoughtful.

Maids like me. I'm neat. I like maids. They're neat.

Everybody ought to have a maid

Everybody ought to have a working girl

Everybody ought to have a lurking girl

To potter around the house

Everybody ought to have a maid

Everybody ought to have a menial

Consistently congenial

And quieter than a mouse

Oh, oh, wouldn't she be delicious

Tidying up the dishes, neat as a pin?

Oh, oh, wouldn't she be delightful, sweeping out?

Sleeping in

Everybody ought to have a maid

Someone who when fetching you your slipper

Will be winsome as a whippoorwill

And graceful as a grouse

Fluttering up the stairways, shuttering up the windows

Cluttering up the bedroom, buttering up the master

Puttering all around the house

- A maid? - A maid.

- A maid? - A maid.

Everybody ought to have a maid

Everybody ought to have a serving girl

A loyal and unswerving girl

Who's quieter than a mouse

Oh, oh, think of her at the dustbin

'Specially when she's just been traipsing about

Oh, oh, wouldn't she be delightful, living in?

Giving out

Everybody ought to have a maid

Someone who you hire when you're short of help

To offer you the sort of help you never get from a spouse

- Pattering through the attic - Chattering in the cellar

- Clattering in the kitchen - Flattering in the bedroom

Pottering all around the house

The virgin, how is she?

- A maid. - A maid.

- A maid. - A maid?

Everybody ought to have a maid

Someone who's efficient and reliable

Obedient and pliable and quieter than a mouse

Oh, oh, wouldn't she be so nimble

Fiddling with a thimble, mending a gown?

Oh, oh, wouldn't she be delightful, cleaning up?

Leaning down

Everybody ought to have a maid

Someone who'll be busy as a bumblebee

And even if you grumble

Be as graceful as a grouse

- Wriggling in the anteroom - Jiggling in the living room

- Giggling in the dining room - Wiggling in the other rooms

Pottering all around the house

The virgin, how is she? Tell me, I want to know how she...

- The house - How is the virgin?!

The house

She's very low. Remember the smile? It's now nearly a grin.

I pray she lasts. I had a bad experience with an officer to whom I had sold a virgin.

- What happened? - She turned out to be a dud.

A dud virgin? How could that happen?

You see, the fellow who sold me the dud virgin also sold me a dud eunuch.

- I'll keep this one alive as long as I can. - You're a saint.

I shall instruct the new maid in housework. Starting in my room.

But, sir, your son may be in that very house.

Oh, dear.

- Sir, this house is empty. - So it is, sir.

Before your friend Erronius went abroad in search of his children stolen by pirates,

he asked you to look into his house.

Yes. Now might be as good a time as any. Send the girl in here.

But, sir. Only my deepest devotion to you allows me to speak so frankly.

You have trudged the road some way, and I fear that this great physical exertion...

Great heavens. Is that me?

I smell like an overheated horse. I must bathe.

At least. Shall I send the girl to you, say, in one hour?

At least.

Home at last. After years of searching for my long lost children,

how good it is to see this street once more.

These tired old eyes fill with tears at the sight of the little they see.

Pardon me, young woman. I'm sorry, but I...

Oh, what a lovely baby.

Just about the age of my children when they were stolen in infancy by pirates.

But at least I have the comforts of my lonely home.

Sir!

- Who are you? - Hysterium, sir. Servant to Senex.

Oh, everybody ought to have...

- What was that? - I didn't hear anything.

Oh, oh...

I didn't hear that either.

- It was an eerie sound. - Eerie sound?

Like the house was haunted.

Sir, what I'm about to tell you is eerie. Your house is haunted.

- Haunted? - Haunted as the day is long.

Perhaps you should stay with relatives, distant relatives.

Yes. No. Fetch me a soothsayer.

- A soothsayer? - He must search my house at once.

Sir, you're in need of a soothsayer.

- How did you know? - I'd be a fine soothsayer if I didn't.

- There's a spirit in my hou... - Silence!

I'm about to say the sooth.

You... I see it. I see everything.

You... you have been...

abroad for...

20 years. You have been...

searching for...

a child.

No, two childs.

A fine big boy...

and a strange little boy.

No, no.

A girl! A girl. A boy and a girl.

- Can you find them for me? - Certainly I can find them.

Each wear a ring that has engraved upon it a gaggle of geese.

There are only two more like this in the world, and my children wear them.

- How many geese in a gaggle? - At least seven.

Seven?! Before I say the sooth again,

you must run seven times around the Seven Hills of Rome.

- And the spirit? - It will be gone after you do my bidding.

- Thanks. - To the hills!

- To the hills. - Oh.

- This is the way, sir. - Thank you, young woman.

Sir, sir! You forgot your gaggle!

You see? Everything is turning out fine.

When the master thinks the virgin's a maid, the virgin thinks she's his mistress,

and the mistress doesn't know about her son?

See that the master stays in the bath the next hour, and I'll get the girl out of here.

- How soon? - When Hero brings more mare sweat.

Mare sweat?!

There's no need to remind me. I need some more bath towels at once.

Be patient, my dear. I shall not keep you panting long.

Come on, you rotten slave, move. Pick those chains up. Come on!

Ah, thank you, lad. It is thirsty work.

That's mine.

Ah!

- Yes? - Is this the house of Marcus Lycus?

- Yes. - Then aside, eunuch.

Inform Lycus we would see him at once.

Yes, possibilities. Carry on. Was that a customer, dear eunuch?

Welcome, most noble warrior. Won't you come in? Perhaps some wine. Perhaps...

No, no, no, no, no, no.

We are emissaries from he for whom a maiden was purchased from you.

A maiden.

She'll be claimed within the hour by our illustrious captain, Miles Gloriosus.

I know that name. I don't think I like it.

The mighty Miles bids you know

that he did purchase a maiden from scum such as yourself some years ago.

This so-called maiden delivered proof that she'd been nothing of the sort.

- Accidents will happen. - But never again to the great Gloriosus.

Should anything be amiss with your maiden, he'll seize your entire stock.

- That's fair. - And then he'll burn down your house.

- Reasonable. - Then he'll...

No, no. Inform the captain the maid will be ready and very willing and very healthy.

Ah!

With just a slight touch of plague.

Excuse me. Have you seen a handsome youth running after a sweating horse?

Very generous of you, sir.

Excuse me, madam. A cool youth and a hot mare, have you by any chance...?

Most kind of you, madam.

Sir, might I ask...?

Thank you humbly, sir.

Master Hero has been here.

Thank you kindly, sir.

I'm sorry, I can't stop now. I...

You've been sold? To whom?

A Syrian shepherd? He's collecting you within the hour.

I may never see her again. Listen.

In a few...

In a few... Listen carefully!

Aahh!

In one hour the captain arrives. How can I save my head?

One hour before the Syrian shepherd arrives. How can I save Gymnasia?

If I could find someone to take my place for an hour. But who?

If I could but take Lycus's place for one hour. But how?

Excuse me. Not at all.

- Pseudolus. - Lycus.

Hail, Marcus Lycus. I was looking for you.

But I was looking for you.

- Isn't that amazing? - Fantastic.

It's about the girls...

Did you say "It's about the girls?"

- Yes. Did you? - Yes.

- Amazing. - Fantastic.

You see, it occurred to me when you were in my place...

- That I didn't have time... - ..To decide...

- ..about choosing a wife. - Precisely. What a marvellous rapport.

- Amazing. - Fantastic.

And so I was thinking...

- That I'd spend more time... - Alone...

..with the girls.

Lycus, you're making me cry.

One other thing. You see, my father...

- You have a father? - Yes.

- Isn't that amazing? - Fantastic.

Furthermore, he's on his way to my house and he thinks I'm just a tradesman.

Poor fellow. But what if, when he arrives, we have moved the girls elsewhere?

Yes. But how to find a suitable elsewhere.

- Where else? - The house of the good Senex.

Why not? He's out of the way for an hour.

But who will take care of my place? The shepherd comes to buy the silent woman.

I don't suppose, Pseudolus, I could impose upon you...

To take your place? Pretend that I'm you for an hour?

Lycus, it would be a privilege.

Oh, now you're making me cry.

Oh, one more thing.

The captain who comes for the virgin, should he arrive while I'm gone...

- Mind you, I do not... - I'll just hand her over.

If she's not alive, fob him off with another girl.

I'm told he's a most kind, gentle and considerate man.

- Have no fears. - I won't, dear Pseudolus.

And may I say, you will never live to regret this.

Gone to see a nose grinder indeed. He's cavorting with those courtesans.

- But, Mother, what can I do? - Do?

Return to Rome immediately, before he can do what no doubt he's already done.

Go!

Come on, now.

Right. Hey, hey!

Hey!

Come on, come on.

Morning.

Quickly, on your feet. The change will do you good. Quick, quick. Out.

- Come quickly. - You there!

- You there! - Go, go.

- Oh, there's so much of you there. - Later, later.

Go, go.

Why do you stand here? Come on, we have no time. Come, come, come, come.

You will be gone before that shepherd arrives. Can you leave immediately?

No arguing. Go away. Come, come.

Oh, Vibrata, really! Go. Come, come.

First time around.

What was that?

Ho, there. I am seeking the house of Marcus Lycus.

Who is it that reeks the louse of Marcus Leakus?

- Hold, sir! - Who leaks the louse...?

You're not holding, sir. Who is he that seeks the house of Marcus Lycus?

A foot soldier of Captain Miles Gloriosus.

- Smartly done. - Thank you.

My captain dispatches me to inform you that he's half a league away,

and bids you honour this.

You know what this is, of course?

Of course I know what this is. This is... writing.

- This is your contract with the captain. - A pretty piece of work.

- Thank you. - What is this word here?

That is "Lycus".

- You realise who you are speaking to? - Yes, sir.

Do you realise what it says there?

I know what it says there.

Words. I intend to stand behind them or my name is not Marcus Lycus.

Pseudolus!

Or my name is not Pseudolus Marcus Lycus.

One moment. I must have a word with my eunuch.

- Oh, please. - Thank you very much.

Come here, eunuch!

Eunuch? How dare you call me that!

You and I know it isn't true, so why do we care what they think?

- Why are you calling yourself Lycus? - You see...

- Why should I spoil your day? - How can you spoil a total disaster?

- The captain comes for the girl now. - That's terrible.

- Why? - The master also wants her now.

He can't have her! Just keep him in that house.

- But, Pseudolus... - Lycus.

- But, Pseudolus... - Lycus.

- But, Pseudolus... - Lycus. I still know about that pottery.

But, Lycus... Goodbye, Lycus. Farewell, Lycus.

Good luck, Lycus. He is Lycus.

Tell your captain his bride awaits.

Smartly done.

- Hysterium! - Sire?

Remember that potion which so fills one with energy one can perform miracles?

Oh, yes, sire. We still have some left from your wedding night.

- Bring me a beaker. - Yes, master.

Good afternoon. Good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

My bride, my bride, I've come to claim my bride

Come tenderly to crush her against my side

Let haste be made, I cannot be delayed

There are lands to conquer, cities to loot, and peoples to degrade

Look at those arms, look at that chest... look at them!

Not to mention the rest... even I am impressed!

My bride, my bride, come, bring to me my bride

My lust for her no longer can be denied

Convey the news I have no time to lose

There are towns to plunder, temples to burn, and women to abuse

Look at that foot, look at that heel

Mark the magnificent muscles of steel

I am my ideal

I, Miles Gloriosus

I, slaughterer of thousands

I, oppressor of the meek

Subduer of the weak

Degrader of the Greek

Destroyer of the Turk

Must hurry back to work

I, Miles Gloriosus

I, paragon of virtues

I, in war the most admired

In wit the most inspired

In love the most desired

In dress the best displayed

I am a parade

Look at those eyes, cunning and keen

Look at the size of those thighs, like a mighty machine

Those are the mightiest thighs I ever have theen

I mean...

My bride, my bride, inform my lucky bride

The fabled arms of Miles are open wide

Make haste, make haste, I have no time to waste

There are shrines I should be sacking, ribs I should be cracking

Eyes to gouge and booty to divide

Bring me my bride

Stand aside, everyone. I take large steps.

- Hail, Miles Gloriosus! - You are?

Marcus Lycus. I am dazzled by your presence.

Everyone is. Where is my bride?

It is a sad tale I have to tell the captain. Bad news... Argh!

Did not my aide inform you that should anything be amiss,

your house would be burnt, your women seized and your life forfeit?

He didn't. Did he?

- He did. - He did! And I meant it.

There's been some mistake. Here! Here is the man you want.

Tell him who I am.

- Everybody knows who you are, Lycus. - No.

- Tell him who I am. Tell him! - Rely on me. He is Marcus Lycus.

Not so! He is Lycus.

Sire, if you look within you will find none but hooded men.

We are a holy order, an ancient brotherhood of lepers. Unclean, unclean.

"Unclean, unclean."

- Well, Lycus, what of this bad news? - There is no bad news.

I only say that so as not to make the gods jealous. She is ugly. Ugly!

Ugly! Ugly!

Really, she's beautiful.

- I did not want them envying you. - What is she like?

A face so fair, a heart so pure.

Sir, if you had been born a woman, you would have been she.

As magnificent as that?

She will be ready soon. Some food?

That is unnecessary. I will await her in your house.

- No! - No?

I meant yes. It just came out no.

- And who are you? - My chief eunuch, sir.

Just kick him if he offends you.

Surround the house. While I am within, let no one else enter.

What was that all about? Why didn't you give him the girl?

It's time we two trusted each other.

One of us isn't ready. Why didn't you give him the girl?

She refuses to go with him. But Master Hero's out getting her a potion.

So keep the master in his bath until...

Arrange food, drink, entertainment and a sit-down orgy for 14.

These sands will run out in exactly one half-hour.

If my bride is not delivered by then, this house will be an empty patch of ground.

That rotten Lycus!

That lovely Pseudolus.

Mm!

What a glorious day. Won't you join me in a beaker? Everyone, a beaker with me. I...

- Crassus! - Marcus?

I heard you were abroad in search of pulchritude.

I returned this morn. With as choice a cargo as you've seen.

- Good man. - From Crete.

Crete? Do not touch me. Do not breathe on me. The plague. The plague!

There's no plague on Crete.

No plague? No one lying around, smiling themselves to death?

- It's the healthiest isle in the world. - He lied to me, tricked me.

You, tricked?

Yes. But not for long. I go to the captain and see that that swine is killed!

- Which swine? - The lyingest, cheatingest slave in Rome.

Oh, Pseudolus.

Hmm.

Chapter six.

The Sabine campaign, in which a boy becomes a man.

Laden with the spoils of conquest, I then set forth for Egypt,

little knowing that here waited for me that black-fringed temptress

who was to play so great a part in my...

Foot!

Oh, get off, get off, get off!

As you know, at this time all Gaul was divided into eight parts.

Agh! Back, leper. Bring not your contagion into the house of Lycus.

House of...? Pseudolus, tell them who I am. I am no leper. I am Lycus!

Ah, the poor creature. Just jab him back into his den of ill health.

What?

Oh, Pseudolus, I'll have my revenge. I'll get in to see the captain yet.

This I swear by the great Necrophites, god of procurers...

panderers...

and go-betweens.

A new god, but a very hard worker.

"I rely on you, Miles" said Caesar firmly. "Hold that Tiber."

Yes, that's good. "Hold that... hold that Tiber."

If you see a lad with mare sweat, send him up to the green bedroom.

Not down there!

When I heard the revellers, I thought my captain had come.

He has, but he's not ready yet. Just wait in there. Wait. Wait, wait!

That's what virgins are supposed to do best.

- My man has come for me. - Good. Where is he?

Wait, my little one. I must wash my hands.

I shall be back in a nonce. At most, two nonces.

I shall knock on the door three times.

- Where'd she go? - In there.

Knock three times and she's yours.

One, two, three.

Four.

The hourglass!

Sir... May I suggest, sir, just one more scrub?

No, that's enough. One more scrub and you'll wash away my enthusiasm.

All right, now. I want everybody... Listen, will you?!

When I say push, push hard. Push terribly hard. Push!

No entry? I live, eat and sleep here every day of my life.

Congratulations. But today it's officers only.

Master, the passion potion. You must drink it while it's hot.

If you are the new gardeners, don't lean on those things, get to work.

Where is it? Where is my passion potion?

Where is everyone? Senex? Pseudolus? Hysterium?

Madam!

Where is my husband? On good intuition, I believe he is fouling the nest.

And he has brought in the legions to help. Who are all these people?

Madam, the hospitality of your house is being enjoyed by Miles Gloriosus.

- The Gloriosus? - The The himself.

He requested a rest in your charming residence.

As a general's daughter, I hoped you would not object.

Object? Pseudolus, you have acted well.

I must greet this captain at once.

Captain Gloriosus, I am shattered that I was not here to greet you personally.

- You are of this house? - For many, many years.

My father, you know, Captain, was General Magnus.

On the last anniversary of his death, I entertained over 200 officers.

200? By yourself?

Not entirely. Hysterium here was a great help.

Oh, Hysterium, thoughtful as ever. My mouth is dry after that dusty drive.

Mad... Oh...

After I've bathed and changed this dusty robe, I want you to ask the captain to...

Where did you say my husband was?

I, uh... Your hus... He is... he is...

Well, at the moment he is, uh...

He is, uh... he is... At least, when I last saw him he was.

I want to know if my husband is in the house.

No, but he should be here soon. Madam, might I suggest you take your bath now?

I shall send slaves with a fresh robe.

When he arrives, keep him busy downstairs.

And tell the captain I shall be awaiting him in the green room, after my bath.

- What do we do? - I'll deal with the master.

You keep that hourglass from running out, and I'll be grateful to you as long as I live.

If I live that long.

Master!

- All right, where is she? - Who?

- The new maid. - Oh, the maid? The very new maid?

Knock three times and she's yours.

- Ah! What about my passion potion? - Start without.

- House of Lycus? - Yes. What about it?

Acrobats for the orgy.

- That way. - Thanks.

Back to the peeling.

Sorry, wrong maid.

Quickly, quickly. We must find another room for you.

- My filly! - My stallion!

- My wife. - My husband.

My gods!

You're late. The others are waiting for you in there.

- Entertainers that way. - I must see the captain. Very important.

- Entertainers that way! - Captain...

Listen. Do you know what happened to the last underling

who interrupted the captain in mid-debauch?

- Entertainers this way. - Yes.

- Where is Hero? - Calm.

- How is the mistress? - Calm.

What happened to the master? Why is the virgin...?

Calm yourself! Calm! I'll tell you when it's time to panic!

- I smell mischief. - It's time.

Someone has tampered with this.

- Bring me my bride. - She'll be ready soon.

They are just anointing her with unguents to make her ankle bangle dangle.

Meanwhile, for your further entertainment...

Bring on the acrobats!

"Ankle bangle dangle"

Watch there, the Four Tumbling Tuscans.

Psst! Lycus!

That one is very good. He really makes it look as though he landed on his head.

Would you like to see that man again? That man again for the captain.

Captain, I have news. The...

Waaaah!

Captain, please. I... Captain, the virgin is... Captain, a word.

Louder music. The captain wants louder music.

I'm not happy in my work, Captain.

Have you ever seen a jester like this? The remarks he makes!

- He's the best I've ever seen. - But his exit.

- Do the flying exit. - What?!

Waaaah!

- Didn't I tell you you'd enjoy this? - I did, yes.

You are a good fellow. It's really going to pain me to kill you.

- Kill me? - Indeed, Lycus.

- If she is not at my feet in two minutes. - Could you make it five?

- Two. - Two. Two minutes.

Philia! Phil... Philia!

- You go to the captain now, like it or not. - But I've been ready.

But Pseudolus said you refused to. Come.

Bring me that girl or you'll all perish!

That's not a happy captain.

- That voice. I know that voice. - Of course you do. That's your captain.

That's not my captain. That's the brute who raped my country, Thrace.

He raped Thrace?

- Then he came and did it again and again. - He raped Thrace thrice?

I'm not going with him.

- Will you now go with Hero? - Oh, yes, yes.

Go back to Hero's room and wait there.

- He'll burn our house. - Fear not. I have a plan.

I don't want to hear it.

- We tell the captain the virgin has died. - I think I heard that.

- We'll need a body. Anybody's body. - Get one from Gusto the body snatcher.

He owes me a favour. But he died yesterday.

- What about his body? - Somebody snatched it.

- Who do we know that's dead? - I wish I was.

I'm a disgrace to my family. My father will turn in his grave.

Your father is alive.

This will kill him.

Just lie down. It'll be all over in one moment.

- You're delicious. - What if he tries to kiss me?

- He won't kiss you. - How can he help it if I'm so delicious?

Come back here. Just lie still. Lie still.

The captain will see you, shudder, and go on his way heartbroken.

It'll never work. Look at me. Just look at me.

I can't take my eyes off you.

You're lovely

Absolutely lovely

Who'd believe the loveliness of you?

- No! - Get back here and lie down.

Perfect

Sweet and warm and winsome

Radiant as in some dream come true

Now Venus will seem tame

Helen and her thousand ships will have to die of shame

You're so lovely

Frighteningly lovely

That the world will never seem the same

I'm lovely

Absolutely lovely

Who'd believe the loveliness of me?

I would.

Perfect

Sweet and warm and winsome

Radiant as in some dream come true

Now...

- Shouldn't I have some jewellery? - Jewellery? Well, I...

- Erronius's gaggle. - Ah!

I'm so lovely

Literally lovely

That the world will never seem the same

You're so lovely

That the world will never seem the same

Now I go get the pallbearers. Wait here.

- I'll never get away with it. - You will. It's easy.

Just lie still and think dead thoughts.

The time is up! Ransack the house!

Oh, woe. Oh, woe.

Oh, woe.

And "Oh, woe" again.

Ha! For the last time, where is my bride?

For the very last time, here is your bride.

Here on this appalling pall, dead.

Dead, permanently dead.

Dead, dead.

O monstrous fate! My sweet innocent bride... dead.

Yes. Give her air!

- How did she die? - She rolled over and...

No, no. How did it happen?

One glimpse of your grandeur from above, the shock was too much.

Poor child, a virgin till the end. A lot of good it did you.

- Spare me. I cannot control my tears. - Go ahead. It's nature's release.

Her bridal bower becomes a burial bier of bitter bereavement.

Very good.

Can you say "Titus the tailor told ten tall tales to Titania the titmouse"?

Do not try to cheer me. I am inconsolable.

- Why torture yourself? Just go. - Yes.

Yes. Poor girl... to have died so young without ever having experienced me.

Well...

No. I cannot leave without giving her the comfort of a proper funeral service.

Do you have time? Isn't there a war you should be starting?

- Silence! - Silence!

I insist on conducting a funeral. Summon mourners.

Mourners. Mourners? Back.

Back, back, back.

- A funeral? - A rapid requiem, a quick dirge.

- But any coins he puts on my eyes I keep. - Done.

I certainly have been.

Gather firewood. She shall be cremated.

Uh...

You're to take that immediately up to the green bedroom.

- Son! - Father!

My passion potion.

No! It...

It's not his potion.

Forgive me for ever mistrusting you, my darling.

But you have been a little distant these past 29 years.

I shall compose a funeral dirge.

Oh, do. A nice short one.

Gather round, handmaidens of sorrow

Sound the flute

Blow the horn

Pluck the lute

Forward mourn

Ah, ah

All Crete was at her feet

All Thrace was in her thrall

All Sparta loved her sweetness

- And Gaul - And Spain

- And Greece - And Egypt

- And Syria - And Mesopotamia

- What's that? - It's a funeral.

Oh. Somebody's dead, eh?

The captain's maiden.

The captain's maiden?!

- She's dead. - Yeah.

Then I shall kill myself.

It's against Roman law to take one's own life. The penalty's death.

- I'll fight a gladiator, then. - You might win.

Yeah.

I shall throw myself to the lions.

Speak the spells

Chant the chants

Toll the bells!

Fold the arms.

On behalf of the body, I'd like to thank you for a lovely funeral.

I don't know about you, but I've suffered enough.

So I suggest you depart, and I shall take the body and...

- Second dirge. - Second dirge!

Throw himself to the lions!

Then I too must die.

Today's the day of the human sacrifice at the temple of the vestal virgins.

I shall go and offer myself to the gods.

- Hey, see that? - Yes, but look at that!

What's your hurry?

Would you lower your pike to your captain's plaything?

Captain? I've had no instructions.

The captain sent for me especially.

Let me by, and... I'll redeem this in ways that will melt every bolt in your armour.

- Is it real? - Bite it and see.

And that goes for me, too.

Strew the soil

Strum the lyre

Spread the oil

Build the pyre

Pyre? What kind of pyre?

A pyre of fire.

Oh, a fire pyre.

- She must be burnt. - Burnt?

- I want her ashes. - Ashes? Oh!

Captain! Captain.

Captain, I implore you. It is not for us to destroy such loveliness.

The gods are awaiting her. They would be angry if we sent up a smoked virgin.

- I cannot afford to offend the gods. - Who can?

I will go my melancholy way.

Very good, sir. Goodbye, sir.

Wait.

A farewell kiss.

Of course.

Not you.

You mustn't. It could make you very sick. She died of an illness contracted in Crete.

- What illness? - The plague.

- The plague! - Plague!

Run for your lives!

- Silence! - Silence! Shh!

- There is no plague. - What?

I have this day returned from Crete and there is no plague.

Then what was everyone yelling about?

Find me the captain. Don't stand there.

You, find me the captain.

Sir, I bring wonderful news. The virgin does not have the plague.

Silence, woman. I know that. She died of other causes.

Died? She was a bab... How...?

Poor little moth. She fluttered too near my flame.

- Too filled with love, dear little heart. - Heart.

Yes, that's it. I shall cut out her heart and carry it with me for evermore.

- She's alive! - And will stay that way!

- Treachery! Treason! Seize her! - I'll get her.

Seize everyone! Put the whole neighbourhood to the sword!

Sir, a question. If I found your maiden, would you spare my...

A moment.

If the maiden is not found, I shall destroy not only this house,

but all surrounding houses and every single person in them!

- And now, your question. - It was just a silly girlish idea.

I'll find your maiden.

Ah! Now then, my beauty, redeem your promise.

You wildcat, you're beautiful when you're angry.

- Ruined! Ruined! - We have to find Hero and Philia.

Oh, look! Do you see what she said?

What is it? And please don't tell me.

Philia's sacrificing herself and Hero's throwing himself to the lions.

Come, Gymnasia. Hie you to the temple for Philia.

I'll save Hero and meet you there!

The same thing happened 29 years ago. I might just as well live in a temple.

I'll wager you never got my nose sharpened.

I would like to know what it is you do that makes you so tired. I noticed you're...

Here. Hey.

I wish to throw myself to the lions. Where do I go?

- Pompeii? - I beg your pardon?

No performance here today. Gladiators are just training.

- Training? - Training.

Come on, you miserable slave, move!

- Here you are, lot four. - Straight in.

All right.

Move, you slaves. Move.

Move!

Oh, dear, come along. Keep moving.

Over there. Get in line. In line.

How are you? All right? Had a good day?

Hero! Master Hero! Wait here.

Hey! We're closed to members of the public.

That young man that went in, I must see him.

You'll see him. They should be bringing him out any minute.

- Now, the secret of the action... - Hm?

The secret of the action is in the wrist. You see, it's got to flow.

You're jerking.

No, no. You see, think of it as an extension of your arm.

You tightened up, didn't you? You're worrying about it too much.

Try and just do a couple without thinking about it, eh? Go on.

Ah!

That even felt better, didn't it?

- I'm always better in trainin'. - Yes.

Now, don't worry, don't worry. Just...

No, no. Relax, relax.

You see, he sort of... went... Very strange. Right.

No. Wrist jerk again.

Oh, much better, yes. You've got a natural swing, you know.

Uh, please. Do you mind?

No. That's a nasty, messy one.

That fellow whistling put you off. Here's the last one.

Never mind. Let's see if we can put this one straight into Nero's box.

Psst!

Uh, please, please.

Do you mind?

Still jerking the wrist.

Hero, Hero.

Philia's alive. She's at the temple of virgins. Go, go now. Save her. Go. Go.

Hyargh!

Give it!

Yah, yah. Yah!

Hyargh!

Come!

Oh! Miles!

There they are!

And now a moment of silence before our daughter starts her final voyage.

Psst! Philia!

Huh?

Here, here.

Hero. My Hero.

No mortal sounds must interfere.

But I thought he was dead. I must go to him. I love him.

- Yes. Now. - So be it.

Run along, child.

Bring another victim to the altar.

Come on!

Master Hero, wait!

Master Hero, wait! My freedom! You promised!

Look, there they are.

Master Hero, wait! Your parents. I promised!

Hero, wait! The captain. I promised!

Come on!

The most refreshing climate in the world.

Look out!

Come back!

Take that! And that! And that!

Get away!

Duck!

Whoa!

Help. Help!

Jump. Jump!

Jump. Jump!

Jump!

Hold me close. It makes me feel so strong.

Personally, I'm not quite ready to make up yet. What?

You want her, you take her.

That's far enough! Look out!

Oh, Hero, help!

I'm awfully sorry. Thank you.

Oh, you breed of Eve!

Darling! Hit me again, darling.

No, no!

Wait! Stop!

Whoa!

No, no! Don't whoa!

Right! Now back to Rome for a quick wedding and some slow executions.

You, slave! You will torn apart by a team of wild horses, slowly,

to the plaudits of my troops and the amusement of the children.

But you, my dear, have nothing to fear.

For, though you fled from me, I have the greatness to forgive.

I, too, can forgive. No one can part us now.

Show me the swine who did that and I'll break every bone in his body.

Third time around.

Pardon me, madam.

The gaggle! My precious.

My beautiful.

My sweet.

Why do older men find me so attractive?

The family ring. My daughter.

- My virgin? - I am not a virgin.

Those filthy pirates!

And I am not your daughter. I'm an Etruscan dancer.

- You are my virgin. - My daughter.

- My virgin! - My...

Ye gods! The eunuch.

- My daughter, a eunuch? - Soldier, seize that man!

Captain, I can explain.

- This can't be she. - What?

The leper. Unclean! Unclean!

I am no leper, and no woman.

I, sire, am Marcus Lycus. Hold.

Here. Here is your virgin.

And worth the waiting for.

I don't understand it. The ring, the gaggle of geese.

What did you say, old man? I have worn this ring since I was a foundling child.

- My son! - Father!

You've grown.

- Are these many geese a gaggle? - How long have you had that?

Since... I don't know when I've had this since.

- My daughter! - My sister.

- My courtesan. - My maid.

- My brother-in-law. - My Gymnasia.

Oh, no. No! That girl I still own.

One moment. I take it your daughter was freeborn?

- Without a doubt. - Lycus,

we all know the penalty for selling a freeborn citizen.

Seize him.

Careful. I'm a bleeder.

However, he has not only given me a marvellous wedding present...

a wife, especially a silent one...

he's also promised me 10,000 minae as a dowry.

Ten...

No.

Such generosity should not go unrewarded.

- Very well. Spare him. - Hero!

Father and Mother, I wish to marry.

Son, if you're as happy as your mother and I have been... my heart bleeds for you.

Lovers divided get coincided

Something for everyone

A comedy tonight

Father and mother get one another

Something for everyone

A tragedy tonight

I get the twins

They get the best

I get a family.

I get a rest.

We get a few girls

I'll get some new girls

I get the thing I want to be

Free.

Free

Free, free, free, free

Nothing for kings

Nothing for crowns

Something for lovers, liars and clowns

What is the moral? Must be a moral

Here is the moral, wrong or right

Morals tomorrow

Comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy

Comedy tonight