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(BOYS CHATTERING)

Seventh-grader.

Sounds a lot better
than sixth-grader.

(SIGHS) This is a Greg thing.
I don't see why I had to come.

Because, Rodrick,
this is a family event,

and like it or not, you're
part of the Heffley family.

Yeah. That and we already
paid for your ticket.

[MAN ON PA]: I'd like to give a warm
welcome to Westmore seventh-graders!

A new year
of school starting.

Hi!

Rowley!
Greg!

(BOTH EXCLAIM)

(BUZZING)

Alakazam!
Alaka-zoo-wee Mama!

What are you doing?

It's a magic wand.

Do you want
to see a trick?

Only if the trick is to
make the thing disappear.

(EXHALES SHARPLY) Just
put it in your pocket!

You don't want to give away
your best tricks in public.

So, how was your summer?

(GREG SIGHS)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

That sounds
pretty rough.

The only good thing
that happened

was I got rid of
the Cheese Touch.

Who'd you give it to?

The new kid.
Jeremy Pindle.

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

[GIRLS]: Cheese Touch!

Hey, guys!
Anyone for pizza?

Hey! Thanks, Fregley.

You know,

I can't believe people leave
perfectly good food just lying around.

(SNEEZES)

(RETCHING)

I'll save that

for later.

(GRUNTING)
Let's skate.

[MAN]: I'd like to give a shout
out to Taylor Pringle!

Uh-oh, dork alert!

Happy birthday, Taylor!
Five years young.

I hope your
party's a blast.

Rowley,
stop pulling me down!

(MAGIC PLAYING)

[MAN]: Ho, ho, ho
It's magic

You know

Who is that?

Her name is Holly Hills.
She just moved here.

What grade is she in?
Seventh.

She's an all-star
soccer player,

has done
professional modeling,

and was her sixth grade
class president.

She moved here from Oregon because
her father got a big promotion.

They drive a hybrid SUV,

live on the north side of town
in a cul-de-sac near the park.

What? I googled her!

She's a picture of loveliness, is she not?

She's almost as
pretty as my mom.

She's going to be
very popular.

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

(KIDS CHEERING)

[GIRL]: Sit here!
Sit here!

Please, everyone, sit
down. We have our seats.

(KIDS CLAMORING)

[MAN]: It's magic, you know

Never believe it's not so

Excuse me.

What?

I said, excuse me.
You're blocking the exit.

(STAMMERS) Oh, sorry.

That's okay.

I'm Chirag Gupta.
And I'm single.

Wow. My name is...

We know exactly
who you are.

Holly Hills of
432 Embury Lane.

[GREG]:
No, we don't know who you are.

We have no idea
who you are.

(BOTH LAUGH NERVOUSLY)

Okay! Well, I think I'm
going to go skating now.

Please congratulate your
father on his promotion from me!

"We know exactly who you are"?
You trying to scare her?

Does it really matter?

A girl like that is out of
your league anyway, Gregory.

She's new. She isn't out
of anyone's league yet.

She doesn't know
the social pecking order.

If there was ever a time
for me to make a move,

it's now.

(RODRICK SCOFFS)

Hey, Greg!

Can you break a leg or
something so we can leave?

(SIGHS)

[RODRICK]: Oh!
(LAUGHS)

That'll never happen.
Not a chance.

There's no way that girl
will ever talk to you.

Yeah, well,
I just talked to her

and we'll probably
skate later.

Really? Okay.

Well, you see
that clock?

They play a slow song at the top
of every hour for couples skate.

If you're so confident,
ask her to skate.

Maybe I will.

What you waiting
for, wimp?

You the man!

(LAUGHING)

Look, if we can
get out to Holly

and be standing right next
to her when the clock changes,

then I can ask her to skate
and she'll have to say yes.

I don't know
about that.

(INDISTINCT HIP-HOP
MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, honey, hi!

Remember when we were
young like this,

and we used to dance and go to
parties, and things like that?

Whoo!

I'm going in.
Cover me!

(ALWAYS PLAYING)

Girl you are to me
all that a woman should be

And I dedicate my life...

[MAN]: All rockers
and hardcore skaters off the rink,

unless you're looking for love.

(GIRL WHIMPERING)

It's time for
couples skate.

I'm making my move.

Stop! Enough of that total
lameness! Who's ready to rock? Yeah!

(WHOOPING)

(HEAVY METAL
ROCK SONG PLAYING)

Come on, let's get
out of here. Come on.

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMING)

(GREG WHIMPERING)

[ROWLEY]:
What are we gonna do? Stay calm.

All we have to do
is just stay here.

[ROWLEY]: Whoa! Whoa!

GREG: Rowley! Hang on!

(ROWLEY WHIMPERING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

[SUSAN ON PA]:
Greg Heffley!

This is your mother.

Everything is
going to be okay.

Stay where you are, and your
father is going to come rescue you.

I repeat, everything
is going to be okay.

Okay, here he comes. Here comes
Frank. I see him. He's on his way.

Dad!
I know, I know.

Okay. All right, everyone,
go back to skating!

You all right?

Hey, Romeo, how'd it go with the new girl?

(GRUNTING) Whoa!

(PEOPLE GASPING)

(RODRICK CHUCKLES)

You ruined
my birthday!

You jerk!

(KIDS SHOUTING)

Ow! Ow! That hurt!

(LAUGHS)

- [GREG]: Rodrick!
- (BABY CRYING)

Here, catch!

Let me start by saying that having
a brother is really overrated.

Rowley always says he
wishes he had a brother,

and, boy, do I wish
I could give him one of mine.

I've looked into it and,
unfortunately, it's not legal,

I mean, Manny has been telling on me

ever since he was
able to speak.

Bubby did it.

(CAT GROWLS)

Bubby did it.

[SUSAN]: Greg!

And Rodrick is
the king of laziness.

Except when it comes
to torturing me.

(COUGHING)
(LAUGHING)

[GREG]:
My mom has started writing...

an advice column
for the local paper.

She wrote an article last week...

about how your brothers
will always be there for you.

Well, that's exactly
what I'm afraid of.

(BOWL DROPS)

Hey, Bubby.

Got to go, Mom.
Later, Mom.

Yeah, see you, hon.
Okay, okay, wait.

Hold on.
Wait a second.

I need a moment
for a family meeting.

Now, your father and I
have been talking.

Things between you two have
really gotten out of hand.

Can I just say...

You may not
realize it now,

but having a brother is one of the most
important relationships of your life.

I mean, one day you're gonna be Uncle Greg

and Uncle Rodrick
to each other's kids.

That's important. So you need
to get to know each other.

What?
What?

You need to spend more time together. What?

So that's why I've come up
with a new program

that's going to reward you
for spending time together.

I'm calling it
(IMITATES FANFARE)

"Mom Bucks. "

You're paying us with fake money? Yeah.

Okay, now, for every hour that you
spend together without fighting,

for example, let's say you
give Greg a drum lesson,

you each earn
a Mom Buck,

which you can then trade
in for one real dollar.

Oh.

So, to start you off, I'm
giving you each five Mom Bucks.

Now, if you're smart, you'll
save up your Mom Bucks...

Can I cash out now?

Well, Rodrick,
if you save...

But can I cash out?

Yes, but...

I want to cash out.

Frank?
I know.

(EXHALES)

Uh... Okay. Yes, you can. All right.

Okay. All right, great.
We should get going,

because you don't want to be
late for school. All right?

Yeah, gotta go. Let's go. Okay, all right.

This Mom Bucks thing
is a gold mine, muchacho.

You better not
ruin it for me.

[GREG]: Most kids hate it
when summer ends,

but I have to say, right now, school
is starting to look pretty good.

Welcome back.

It's nice not to be
the new kids this year.

I agree.

I know. Look at all
the tiny sixth-graders.

I'm so glad
that's not me this year.

Just a little higher.
Just a little higher.

Whoa! Greg!
Look who's in our class.

[GREG]: This was my chance.
If I could sit next to Holly,

I'd have the whole year
to show her how great I am.

No way, Greg Heffley.

This is my seat.

No, it's not.
I was here first.

[PATTY GRUNTING]:
It's mine!

Let go!

You know I'm stronger
than you, Greg Heffley.

Don't make me
beat you up again!

Let's get
something straight.

I was sick that day and
I had something in my eye.

[MR. DRAYBICK]: Well!

I've never had students so
eager to start the school year.

What's going on?

This is my seat!
This is my seat!

(LAUGHS) Okay, let's start
again. What are your names?

Patty Farrell,
two R's, two L's.

Greg Heffley.

Would you be related
to Rodrick Heffley?

(EXHALES)

I've got my eye
on you, Heffley.

[GREG]:
There's no way to escape.

(RODRICK LAUGHS EVILLY)

It's unbelievable! Even at school,
Rodrick is ruining my life.

Shh!

(WHISPERS)
He might hear you.

Nah. Watch.

(BANGING LOUDLY)

Holy cow!

He once slept through
an entire day.

Do you have an amazing talent
that you'd like to share?

Today, Plainview City Council
announced a brand-new local contest:

Plainview's Most Talented.

Hey! Greg!
Maybe we should...

Can it,
Chunky Cheese!

Westmore is absolutely packed
to the roof with talent.

The top prize is 1,000 dollars
and of course,

the admiration of your
friends and neighbors.

This is huge. I gotta call
the band. We gotta practice.

This is gonna be
our big break!

Uh-uh-uh.
Wait a second.

Aren't you forgetting something? What?

I showered yesterday.
Smell.

Okay, okay.
Okay. Okay.

We agreed that you'd give
a drum lesson to Greg.

You were serious?

[SUSAN]: Who knows?

Maybe you guys
will really like it

and we can form a family band.
(GASPS)

(COME ON GET HAPPY PLAYING)

Hello, world, here's a
song that we're singing

Come on get happy

A whole lotta lovin'
is what we'll be bringing

We'll make you happy

(ROCK SONG PLAYING)

[GREG]: Rodrick says
he's a professional musician,

but as far as I know
the only money he's made,

is when Dad gave him five
bucks once to stop playing.

When do we get to
play the real drums?

Like I'd ever
let you touch them!

Watch and learn,
earthworm!

Hey, I was thinking we
should enter the talent show.

I could do my magic act and
you could be my assistant.

Assistant? No way.

Doing magic tricks
is bad enough.

Assisting the guy
doing the tricks?

I'd never make it
to eighth grade.

(BEEPS)

What?

Hey, a cookie.

Manny,
what have you done?

I'm only three.

What's going on?
What did you do to him?

Nothing!
He ruined my video game.

Oh! He didn't do anything
on purpose. Did you, honey?

No, I didn't. No, he
didn't. He's only three.

[MANNY]: I'm only three!

Okay, let's go, sweetie.
You want another cookie?

[GREG]: It's so unfair.

I have Rodrick making my
life a misery on one side,

and Manny attacking me
from the other.

And I'm the only one who seems
to get blamed for anything.

I wonder what it'd be like to have
a family that actually loves me.

Little boy!

We're a very rich couple with no
children and so much love to share.

Won't you come be
part of our family?

Finally! Someone I can
leave my billions to.

(SIGHS)

India? Why would
you go there?

India is fascinating. It's
the jewel of Southeast Asia.

My father has business
to take care of,

so he's taking
the whole family.

Can you bring me
back a cobra?

I want to
teach it to dance!

[MALONE]: Wake up!
What are you guys doing over there?

Get the ball! Get the ball, kick it!

(KIDS SHOUTING)

[MAN]: Kick it!

[MALONE]: Kick it!

(ALL CHEERING)

Patty Farrell,
you are the man!

(BOYS PANTING)

Nice running, Heffley. Just
have to work on the direction.

Wow. Holly Hills is better than
Bryce. And he's an all-star!

Well, I'm sure
your soccer skills

made a great
impression on her.

Go strike while
the iron is hot.

You'll see.

When you come back
from India,

she'll be
hanging out with me.

[CHIRAG]: I would love for that
to be true, Gregory.

It would provide hope
for smaller boys everywhere,

but girls like that just don't
hang out with guys like us.

So, listen, you don't have to worry
about being in my magic show anymore,

'cause I got Scotty from my
karate class to be my assistant.

Scotty?
Isn't he like eight?

He'll be eight.

(BRAKES SCREECH)

Get in.
Why?

What are you
doing here?

Mom said she'll
pay Mom Bucks

if I drive you
home from school.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

We'd rather walk.

Get in! Now!

[GREG]: What happened to the seats?

I needed the room
for my new equipment.

How'd you have
the money for that?

You know, Mom Bucks.

There's no way. He only earned like five.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(TIRES SQUEALING)

We gottao figure out what song
we're playing at the talent contest.

Easy. Devil's Diper.

A ballad? Really, dude? We got
to lift them out of their seats!

[BEN]: I got it.

L�ded Diper!
L�ded Diper!

Slow down, guys!
Slow down!

GREG: Whoa!

(GROANS)

(GREG GRUNTS)

[GREG]: This Mom Bucks thing
isn't working out.

Now Rodrick can get paid
for beating me up.

(SNIFFS) Oh...

[GREG]: Mom, why are you
writing about me again?

It's embarrassing.

What? You know how
important honesty is to me.

And, Rowley, good news.

I called your mom and
she gave her permission

for you to come with us to
Rockin' Rapids next weekend.

Two days on the biggest
water slides in the world!

It's gonna be great!

(WHOOPING)

Thank you,
Mrs. Heffley,

but I think I'd like to stay
home and practice my magic act.

(BOTH CHEERING)

(SCREAMING)

I just want to
perfect my art.

Come on,
let's go upstairs.

Mom, can I use your computer for homework?

For homework, right?

Yeah. Definitely.
Homework only.

I'm sorry, Bubby.

What's this?

It's a gift from Manny.

He made it for you because
he wanted to say he was sorry

for breaking your video
game. Isn't that cute?

It looks dangerous. What
if I sat on that thing?

Greg!
What are you doing?

(SOFTLY) Tell Manny
you love his gift.

You're so lucky you
don't have any brothers.

You're kind of
like my brother.

And shouldn't we
be looking up things

for your "hundred years ago" assignment?

She looks like she was born 100 years ago.

Ahhh!

Oh, I hope she's okay.
She sounded pretty hurt.

Are you kidding me?
She's famous,

and I heard
she's a millionaire.

[ROWLEY]: I would love to be her!

You do know
she was faking it?

Really?

Of course.

Anyone can be
an Internet sensation.

We could.
I'm listening.

You just have to work
with what you got.

(MOUTHING SONG LYRICS)
Wake up in the morning...

feeling like P. Diddy...

Grab my glasses on, I'm out the door
I'm gonna hit this city...

Before I leave, brush my teeth
with a bottle of Jack...

'Cause when I leave for the night,
I ain't coming back...

I'm talking,
playing our favorite CD's...

Pulling up to the parties...

Trying to get
a little bit tipsy...

Okay, three,
two, one, fall.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Whoa! Whoa!

(MUSIC STOPS)

It looks fake.
It has to look real.

But how do I fake it if I'm
actually falling backwards?

Maybe you need a gimmick,
so people notice you.

Oh.

Wear this on your head.

Now, do it again.

Why can't you be the one that
falls backwards in the chair?

Because I'm not the one wearing
the underwear on my head.

Tick tock, on the clock
But the party don't stop, no

Remember when
I broke my arm?

That didn't feel
good at...

(SCREAMING)

I can't believe you sat on the
tinfoil ball! We're going to be rich!

[SUSAN]: Okay, Rowley.

Hold still. Oy!

(SCREAMING)

(SQUAWKING)

My computer was supposed
to be for homework only.

You lied to me. You know
how I feel about that.

Mom, from now on,
I'll be 100% honest.

[GREG]: Well, that lasted
about a week.

Mom somehow didn't appreciate the
completely honest version of me.

[ALL]: Happy birthday,
Grandpa!

Next year,
I want a chocolate cake.

That is, if you're alive next year.

[SUSAN]: Greg!

Honesty, Mom!

Mom, it's Mrs. Gillman
from the PTA.

Tell her I'm not here!

But that would be lying...

and I don't do that anymore.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Gillman, but my
mom isn't in the house right now.

[GREG]: On weekends, I try to stay as
far away from my brothers as possible.

But on Sunday morning,
I have no choice.

Poopy!

(EXCLAIMS) Huh?

[SUSAN]: Greg! It looks like
he has a candy bar on there.

Manny!

(GREG GRUNTS ANGRILY)

[SUSAN]: Frank, you're gonna have
to do something.

[FRANK]: Yeah, I'll get a rag.

Dad, stop it!

Hold still!

All right,
let me see.

You're fine.
Can't even tell.

I'm not going in with a
poop stain on my pants.

Okay, well,
you can't skip church.

No, I'm not
going in like this.

Fine.

(ALL THINGS BRIGHT AND
BEAUTIFUL PLAYING ON ORGAN)

[ALL SINGING]:
He made them every one

Go.

All things
bright and beautiful

All creatures
great and small

All things
wise and wonderful

What are you doing?
Go!

The Lord God made them all

[MINISTER]:
Please be seated.

Let me just say
how gratifying it is

to see so many smiling faces here today.

Mothers and fathers...

Okay, we're up.

Come on! We're up!

But everyone will
see the sweater.

People are looking,
okay?

So come on. Let's go.

Come on.

Poop!

He's pooped his pants!

No, it isn't
what it looks like!

It isn't.
It's chocolate!

Chocolate. See?

(ALL EXCLAIM IN DISGUST)

What did I say about
being civil to one another?

That's all
I asked of you!

Well, you have
blown it big time!

Never been
more embarrassed!

Everyone we know
was there!

(SOBBING) I have no idea how I'm
gonna write my column this week.

I feel like
a complete fraud!

Well, you brought
this on yourselves.

You can kiss Rockin' Rapids good-bye!

You two will stay here all weekend
and work out your differences.

And if you don't,
I will.

And trust me, you don't
want any part of that.

Do you understand?

Yes. Yes.
Yes.

(SIGHING)
All right, let's go.

And don't have anybody over this weekend.

Got it?

(CHUCKLES)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(SPEAKING)

(MESSAGE TONE BEEPING)

Snacks in the bowls, ice in
the freezer, cups on the table.

Your party
better be good.

Our party, little bro.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Wait! Whoa, whoa! We need
chairs from the basement.

For what?

In case we wanna
play musical chairs.

I haven't played musical
chairs since the second grade.

Well, it comes back
when you hit high school.

(DOORBELL RINGS)
Wait! You get the chairs.

I don't want anyone to be
disappointed. All right?

Okay.
All right.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(LIGHT SWITCH CLICKING)

Rodrick, help!
The door's closed!

Yeah, and it's
staying closed.

I don't need a middle-schooler
ruining my party.

What? I thought
it was our party!

It's my party. Now keep quiet
or I'll lock you in the dryer!

Rodrick!

(MOCKINGLY) Greg!

(PANTING)

(SCREAMS)

(GASPS)

(SIGHS IN RELIEF)

(GASPING)

(DIAL TONE DRONING)

[ROWLEY]:
And that's magic!

(PHONE RINGING)

Jefferson residence.
Rowley speaking.

Rowley, I need
your help! Now!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(PEOPLE SHOUTING)

Holy pepperoni!

Get inside.
Open the door and let me out!

Yes! You did it!

(LAUGHS) It's a really nice try, Greggy.

But whatever you thought,
I already thinked it.

(HIP-HOP SONG PLAYING)

When our band is huge, we'll
have parties every night!

But they'll be
backstage parties!

Sweet! We'll get to go backstage.

(PHONE RINGING)

You, don't touch
that phone!

Music off! (SHRILL VOICE) Everybody freeze!

(NORMAL VOICE) Freeze. (ALL SILENT)

If anyone makes a sound,
the party is over

and I am a dead man.
So... Shh!

(CREAKING)
(EXCLAIMS)

Quiet, man!

Get back!

(BREATHING HEAVILY) Shh!

Hello?
Rodrick, it's Mom.

Is everything okay? It took
a long time for you to answer.

Yeah, everything's fine.
I was just washing dishes.

Okay, honey. Well, I just wanted
to check in and say I love you,

and I'm sorry I was
so harsh earlier.

No problem. Bye.

Now let me say
good night to Greg.

Greg?

Oh, uh...

He can't. He's asleep.
I don't want to wake him.

No, I'm not. I'm right here. Hi, Mom.

Hey, Rodrick.

Hi, sweetie,
is everything okay?

Why were you sleeping so early? (EXHALES)

Well, actually, I wasn't
sleeping. I'm down in the basement.

(CHUCKLES) The basement? What
the heck are you doing down there?

Wouldn't you rather be
up here hanging with me?

Yeah, I would, Rodrick. Why
don't you come down and get me?

Now.

(WHISPERING) I think
they're trying to get along.

Huh? That's good.
Good, honey.

Okay. Everything is cool here, right, Greg?

Yeah, Mom. And I have
your number if I need you.

Okay, sweeties. Well, we'll
see you tomorrow. Good night.

(MUSIC STARTS PLAYING)

Listen up.

If you do anything that
embarrasses me, anything at all,

I will...

You'll what?

Just stay out
of my way,

nerds.

I think we should
go upstairs.

Are you kidding me?

We might not get to go to another
high school party for five more years.

We have an
opportunity here,

to see things no other kid in
our grade has ever seen before.

Like what?

Teenage things.

Just follow my lead,
and we'll be fine.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(GIRL GASPS)

Hey, watch the elbows,
popcorn dude. Not cool.

(PANTING)
That was a close one.

(THUD)

I didn't know you
could get up there.

[RODRICK]:
You should hear my band.

We play so loud, we actually
make people's eardrums bleed.

Ew.
I mean, not really.

(RODRICK LAUGHS)

I think your
brother likes her!

(MUSIC STOPS)

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

I have to go
find my friend.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

Reminder! You can't call if you're dead.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

Dude, this party is dying.
Look, the girls aren't into it.

Look, they want
to dance.

You don't ask them to
dance, they're gonna leave,

then you're just
gonna be that guy

who threw the lame
party with no girls.

Go ask the girls
to dance!

You ask them.

(LAUGHS) No, man. You go
ask the girls to dance.

You almost did it.

I'm not going to do it!
I've seen you dance!

I'm not doing it...

Did somebody say "dance"?
Break it down!

Rowley, no! Don't!

That kid's dead. No, wait,
man. What are you, new?

You can't mess with a chubby
kid, the girls'll freak out!

(FAST-PACED
DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

I won't call Mom.
You can kill me.

Conga!

(JUMP IN THE LINE PLAYING)

What is he doing?

Who cares? I'm going to go squeeze in

next to Rachel Lewis
and Amy Ramirez!

Shake, shake, shake, Senora,
Shake your body line

Shake, shake, shake, Senora,
Shake it all the time

My girl's name is Senora

I tell you, friends,
I adore her

And when she dances,
oh, brother!

She's a hurricane
in all kinds of weather

Jump in the line,
Rock your body

This is great!

I know! I wish my mom was here.

Your parents are so cool
to let you have this party.

Yeah, really cool.
And they can never know.

You can talk
about Cha Cha

Tango, Waltz,
or the Rumba

Senora's dance has no title

You jump in the saddle
Hold on to the bridle!

Jump in the line,
Rock your body in time

Whoa!

Shake, shake, shake, Senora,
Shake it all the time

(PHONE RINGING)

[FRANK]: Hi. You've reached the Heffley
residence. Please leave a message.

[SUSAN]: Hey, guys. Manny's sick.
We're on our way home.

See you in an hour.

Holy...
Moly!

You are in
so much trouble.

Me? You lied to Mom,
just as much as I did.

You know how she feels about
lying! She's gonna kill both of us!

(STAMMERS)

You do the living room,
I'll start the kitchen. Go!

(NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH PLAYING)

Nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah, nah

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah, nah, nah

Nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah, nah

I'd rather
you didn't than did

I'd rather
you didn't get rid

Of me at that age
Such a young awkward stage

That is not
what you do to a kid

Nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah, nah

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah, nah, nah

Nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah, nah

Nah, nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah

If this is the case
Let us cut to the chase

I'm so sorry
I never let go

I went to the doctor
the kind that you talk to

And he said
the process is slow

(SOBBING)

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah, nah, nah

Nah, nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah

Down, down, down!
All right, let's go.

I'd rather
you hadn't than had

If you hadn't
I wouldn't be mad

At what I'd been handed
Despite it I've landed

On both feet so
don't worry, Dad

It looks good.

Too good.

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah, nah, nah

Let's get the kitchen.

Nah, nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah

(EXCLAIMS)

Maybe we can
paint over it.

I don't know
how to make paint!

I got it!

See? It's a good thing
I locked you down here.

Now let's go!

We're not gonna make it!

We're gonna make it.

(EXCLAIMS)

Trash mine
if you'd like to

I'm sure
you'd be psyched to

Remember our name
is the same

See? Told you
it would work.

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah, nah, nah

Nah, nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah

(GASPS)

Rodrick!

The bathroom door! The door
doesn't have a lock on it.

The other door had a lock on
it and this doesn't. We're dead.

And if they find out...

(SHUSHING)

- Greg?
- [FRANK]: Hey, guys!

Hi.
Hey, Mom, Dad.

Hey, how's Manny? Is he
feeling better? Poor little guy.

Yeah. He's doing okay.

[SUSAN]: Wow.
The house looks pretty good.

I was expecting
a real mess.

Oh... (SIGHS)

Who ate pretzels
on the rug?

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

So...

Who came over
this weekend?

(LAUGHING)
What? Nobody.

You said nobody, Dad.
No means no, right?

Yeah, yeah. Good boy.

So,

you guys just hung out?

Had a good time
together, huh?

Yeah, actually.

You know, I never thought I'd admit this,

but we had a pretty
good time together.

Really?

Yeah. Surprised me, too.

So you just worked it
all out by yourselves?

Yeah, I guess. I don't know. Mom,
don't make a big deal about it.

Please, just...
Okay. Okay.

But nothing...
Nothing makes me happier

than to see you two
being friends.

Right, Frank?

Hmm? Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, let's go upstairs.

(SINGSONG)
Time for a nappy.

(EXHALES)

[FRANK]: Hey! What the...

You guys got something
you want to tell me?

No.

What was General Grant
doing on the thermostat?

I have no idea.

No idea.

No idea, huh?

Don't... These... These
are off limits! No touch!

They are not toys.
They're figurines!

I can't...

(WHISPERING) We have to keep
them away from the bathroom.

For the next 10 years?

Listen to me.

No matter what they ask you,
no matter how hard they push,

deny, deny, deny.

Even if they figure it out,
never ever admit to anything.

Deny, deny, deny.
Got it?

Got it.
Deny, deny, deny.

It sounds to me like,
"Lie, lie, lie. "

I kind of wish
you hadn't told me.

Don't you understand? Rodrick
isn't beating me up anymore.

But how are they not going to
notice that the lock's gone?

Please.
They're like 40.

They can barely
remember our names.

Hi, Greg! I've returned from
halfway around the world.

And I see that you're even
further than that from Holly Hills.

I guess your unappealing older
brother was right about you.

You have no game.

[GREG]: You know what?

I liked Chirag a whole lot
better when he was in India.

Man, I sure do miss Chirag.

I wonder when
he's coming back.

It's almost like I can
feel his presence.

What are you talking about? Here I am!

Did you just
hear something?

(KIDS LAUGHING)

No. Nothing.

Well, better get to class. Chirag
would've wanted it that way.

- (KIDS LAUGHING)
- [BOY]: Good one, Greg.

You may be able to dominate
me physically, Greg Heffley,

but mentally,
I am the more muscular!

[GREG]: It is officially on.

Hey, Rowley.

Hey.

Does he know
about the D-O-R-E?

Huh?

The door!

Yeah. Don't worry. I already
told him, deny, deny, deny.

Hi, Rowley!
What's new, huh?

(STUTTERING)

Okay.

(WHISPERING)

[FRANK]: Hey, wasn't there
a lock on this door?

I must be
losing my marbles.

(ALL SIGH IN RELIEF)

Oh. I can't take this
pressure. I'm leaving.

Okay, everybody,
dinnertime!

Actually, Mom,
I have to skip dinner.

Why?

I've got the most important
meeting of my life tonight.

Did you say you have a meeting? Yeah.

Like, for like a job?
Yeah. Kind of.

I'm meeting with the best
guitarist in Plainview.

Now he's in between bands, and if
I can get him into Löded Diper,

then winning the talent show is a lock.

I mean, you'd like him, Dad. He's
a real professional, like you.

Mmm-hmm.
Be supportive.

(BANGING ON DOOR)

That's him.
I'll get that!

Oh, man,
I barely made it here.

Your address has
so many numbers!

All right, Bill, we should... Whoa!

Do I smell pot roast?

Oh! Mmm.

[GREG]: Bill got voted
"Most Likely to Be a Rock Star"...

when he was
in high school.

[BOY]: You suck!

That hasn't
really worked out.

We should be going...

Sit.

So, Bill,

Rodrick tells me that you're
a professional musician.

So that means that you earn
enough to make a living?

Oh, yeah! Yeah.

Well, enough if you live in
your parents' basement. (LAUGHS)

My parents are
really supportive.

Respect your parents,
boys!

Hey! That's what
Joshie says!

Shh!

So...

It doesn't sound like
a cakewalk, right? No.

Why don't you
tell Rodrick?

Give him a picture of just how
challenging it can really be.

No, it's really hard.

First of all, there's no
home-cooked meals like this.

What? Really?

Yeah, yeah! No, on the road, it's all

burgers and fries
and pizza.

Then you got to deal with the
fans, especially the girls.

No, it's definitely
not for everyone.

But...

If you like rocking deep into the
night and partying hard all day

then it might be the life for
you. It's definitely for me.

[ROWLEY]:
It does sound fun.

But what if you don't play
a musical instrument?

L�ded Diper
always needs roadies.

So... you're joining the band?

Yeah, brother!

I'm in. Let's rock!
Yeah!

(BILL CHEERING)

(CHEERING)

I think I might have
brought too much stuff.

Let's see how many views our video's got.

It's got to be thousands.

Maybe millions!

Four? We only got
four lousy hits?

Greg, I can't lie to your parents
about the party. I never lie.

Joshie says
a lie hurts everyone.

Guess who wanted to join
the big boy sleepover!

Bubby, Rowley!

Mom, no,
he'll ruin it!

He just wanted to come in and
say hi to Rowley. All right?

And Rowley's mother brought
over some healthy snacks

and DVDs that she thought were appropriate.

Enjoy your
granola bars, boys.

(ROWLEY SIGHS)

Andy's Magic Cushion.
Let's start with that.

Or should
we watch The Foot?

What if she comes back in
and asks about the party?

You need to relax.

How about
a healthy snack?

(SIGHS)

We shouldn't be here.

We can't just let ourselves
into a stranger's home.

The place is empty.
Nobody's going to mind.

(WOMAN GASPS)

Oh.

Look at his face.

[WOMAN]: What happened
to his foot?

It sounded like
someone was hopping.

I'm telling you,
it's nothing.

It's just
your imagination.

(EXCLAIMS)

Did you just kick me?

(THUMPING)

(SHRILL SCREAM)

(GROANS)

You know, you really need
to cut your toenails.

What was that?

(SCREAMS)

Turn it off!
Turn it off!

[GREG]: Okay.
Only 'cause you're scared.

(BOTH PANTING)

Let's just go to sleep.

[ROWLEY]: I wish we had watched
Andy's Magic Cushion.

I love this movie, Frank.
Don't you just love this movie?

He picked the housekeeper
over the supermodel?

(SNICKERING)

I know.

(ROWLEY SCREAMING)

It's got me!
The foot has got me!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Greg, is there something you want
to say to Rowley and his father?

I'm sorry for choosing an
inappropriate movie for the sleepover.

At least nobody
got hurt this time.

I'm a little birdy.
I'm a little birdy!

(CRASHING)

(GRUNTING)
My knee bone.

What?

Mommy, look.

Mommy is looking. Mommy's
looked a thousand times!

Mommy just needs to go to the
potty for one minute, okay?

No! No!

[SUSAN]: What the heck?
Where's the lock?

Wait.

[SUSAN]: Rodrick, could you
come here, please?

What happened
to the lock?

I don't know
what you're talking about.

There was a lock
on this door.

Um...
(LAUGHS)

I don't think so.

Rodrick, I've lived in
this house for 10 years.

I've locked that door
10,000 times

because sometimes it's my only
moment of privacy of the day.

I know there was
a lock on that door.

There wasn't.
Trust me.

Greg has walked in
on me a million times.

And if there was a lock,
I would use it.

In fact, maybe
you should put one on.

So that's your story.

There was never a lock and you
have no idea what I'm talking about.

Yes.

Fine. I'll just go ask
your brother the same thing.

(WHIMPERS)

Greg? Two words.

Bathroom door.

It was Rodrick! He made
me! It was his idea.

He had the party! Someone wrote on
the door, so we had to change it!

I knew it. I knew it.

No, Mom, wait! I was
exaggerating a little bit.

It wasn't a party.
It was a band rehearsal

for the talent show.
That's all it was.

We said nobody could come
over. He knew the rules.

Yeah, but, Mom,
if you punish him,

Rodrick's gonna know
I told on him.

We really had a good time this
weekend. But if you do this,

Rodrick and I will never,
ever be friends again.

The idea that one day my kids won't
get to know their Uncle Rodrick?

Or have any
family holidays?

You two really have been getting
along better this week, haven't you?

Yeah. We really have.

(SIGHS)

(EXCLAIMS)

Okay, if...

If I let this slide,

and be our little secret
for the sake of the family,

and for your relationship
with your brother,

do you swear to be on your
best behavior and get along?

I swear. I swear.

Okay.

(SIGHS IN RELIEF)

You didn't buckle.

Deny, deny,
deny, right?

You know...

You may not be half as lame
as I thought you were.

[GREG]:
I couldn't believe it!

Rodrick was actually
trying to be nice to me.

Wow! You're a Mom Bucks millionaire!

- Where'd you get these?
- Thrift shops.

There's enough in here
to last me until I'm 30.

(GROANS)

It's about time, little bro, that you learn
the secrets to an easy life.

Rule number one,

don't be good at something
you don't want to do.

Guys!
Use clean rags, not...

Just give me that!
I'll do it myself.

Rule number two, always lower
Mom and Dad's expectations.

Hey, I took
a math test today

and I'm pretty sure
I flunked it.

Oh, Greg!

But I got it back,
and look!

I got a C minus.

Well, at least
you didn't fail.

Rule number three,
never do something

when someone else
can do it for you.

(EXCLAIMS)

"100 Years Ago. " I
remember that assignment.

Why write a new one

when there's
a perfectly good paper

already written
by your brother?

Isn't that cheating?

Isn't Mr. Draybick
cheating

by handing out the same
assignment every year?

New binder.
Teachers dig binders.

[GREG]: The thing was,

Rodrick had managed
to get my dad to do...

all his homework
for the past five years.

Which one's
the space bar again?

- Just let me do it, okay?
- Okay.

I would never actually hand in
a paper Rodrick wrote.

But my dad?
That's a different story.

So that's just three of the things
Rodrick has taught me.

He has a lotta cool tips.

I'm not sure Rodrick's tips
are really that cool.

Okay, so the invisible
Chirag joke is still going,

and the whole school
is in on it.

But it looks like Chirag's
discovered our weakness.

Hello, Greg, Rowley.

Still pretending I'm invisible, I presume.

(WHISPERS)
I don't know if I can do this.

(WHISPERS)
Stay strong.

What is this?
A corn dog.

Rowley's all-time
favorite lunch delicacy.

If you say you can see me,
Rowley, it is all yours.

Mmm. Smell that
buttermilk batter.

- [GIRL 1]: You got him, Chirag.
- (ROWLEY GRUNTING)

[GIRL 1]: Resist it.

[GIRL 2]:
Don't do it, Rowley.

Hey, everyone, look!
There's a floating corn dog.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I don't want to get ahead
of myself or anything,

but I think I may have Class Clown
in the bag for dreaming this one up.

(HONKING)

In conclusion, without last
century's technological advances,

there would be no computers, cell
phones, or modern medical miracles.

And so for that, we salute
and thank our ancestors

from 100 years ago.

Thank you, Holly.
That was excellent work.

I think we have time
for one more.

I have to say that
when I read this paper

I was a bit surprised
by its content.

But more than any other, this
one deserves to be read out loud.

Greg?

Yay, Greg!

Just read it, Greg.
All of it.

[GREG]: Okay.

"Sometimes I sit and wonder
about stuff I do not know...

"Like, what the Earth was,
like 100 years ago...

"Did cavemen ride on dinosaurs?
Did flowers even grow?

"Did spiders rule the Earth?
Were deserts filled with snow?

"There were no books or humans,
so how were we to know...

"What life was like
100 years ago?"

Loser.

Now, Greg, when we talk about
how important it is to recycle,

we don't mean turning in
your brother's old papers.

I thought Dad helped
you with this paper.

Well, actually,

Dad started writing my
papers because of that paper.

I looked like an idiot!

And the girl from the roller
rink? She laughed at me.

Ouch!

Just do something that
changes her opinion of you.

Like, set a firecracker
off in the classroom. Boom!

Chicks dig bad boys.

Well, actually I was thinking
about writing her a note.

You mean like one
with words on it?

I've got it
all figured out.

I'm gonna pass her a note with a
question on it, but it'll be anonymous.

She'll be like, "I have
to know who wrote this. "

Then later,
I'll walk up to her

and ask her
the exact same question.

It'll blow her mind.

(WHISPERS) A note?

Do you want me
to spell check it?

(WHISPERS)
Just pass it to Holly.

To Holly.

(SIGHS)

(MOUTHING)
Thank you.

(WHISPERS)
It's from Greg.

What's going on?

Greg Heffley is
passing me notes!

No, I wasn't.

"How do you get your hair
to smell so beautiful?"

(ALL LAUGHING)

(SNIFFS)

[GREG]: Okay.
The note was a minor setback,

but at least things are
still going well with Rodrick.

It's amazing
but I'm actually enjoying...

watching L�ded Diper rehearse
for the talent show.

Bill's taken the band
to a whole new level.

(ECHOING)
Somebody farted.

I got one. I got one.
I got a good one. I got a good one.

(ECHOING)
Somebody farted.

My dad should be happy that
I'm hanging out with Rodrick.

But I don't think
he really likes Bill.

I think what he's worried about
is I'll turn out like Rodrick,

Manny'll turn out like me, and,
eventually, we'll all turn out like Bill.

Rock and roll!

Rock on.
Yeah.

[HOLLY]: Dear Greg, meet me
in the art room before lunch.

There's something I want to
ask you. Kiss, kiss. Holly.

Hi, Holly! I was glad to get your note.

I've been wanting
a chance to talk to you.

And, hey, you like to paint.
I'm kind of an artist myself.

Holly?

Ha!

(GASPS) Chirag?

You see me now, don't you? Game,
set and match to Chirag Gupta!

(PANTING)

Hi, Holly.
Hi, Fregley.

She thinks
I'm Fregley?

That's got to hurt.

(SIGHS)

(CHATTERING)

Want to see
my secret freckle?

[BOTH]: Ew!

(LAUGHING)

So the note to the girl
didn't work out?

All right. Let's go.
Little bro, I am taking you out.

And here are
my other men.

Greg, Rodrick, I'd like you
to meet my editors,

Mr. Salz and Mrs. Kohan.

Hey. Hello. Nice to meet you.
Hello.

Where you boys off to?

Just taking
the little brother out...

for the evening.
He could use a good time.

Okay, well, be safe.
And be home by 9:00.

Yeah. See you!

- Bye.
- Bye. Have fun!

Good night.

Now that is impressive.

My older boy wants nothing to do
with his younger brothers.

[MRS. KOHAN]: You certainly practice
what you preach.

I think every mother in town
should read your column.

Thanks.

Mom would kill us
if she saw us eating this.

(BOTH MOANING)

(SLURPING)

(GROANING)

Brain freeze!
Brain freeze!

All I can say is, get ready
to have your mind blown.

We are going to
have an epic night.

(GROANING)

Are you okay?

(RETCHING)

(LAUGHS) Fake vomit. You
can't beat the classics.

Yeah.

Here we go. Here we go. Here he comes.

(SCREAMS)

(PANTING)

Okay. Very funny!
Very funny.

[GREG]: This is sweet!

I told you.

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

(SCREAMS)

So, you know that girl
who I sent the note to?

Yeah?

She thinks I'm Fregley.

(LAUGHING) Oh, man!

I mean, hey,
don't take it hard.

Girls act like they're not
into you when they really are.

I mean, tons of girls act like
they're not into me, but they are.

I know they are. I bet
she really likes you.

(FOOTSTEPS)

(WHISPERS) Check it out. Check it out.

Whoa!

(RODRICK LAUGHING)

Who's out there?

No way.

Coach Malone?

Real funny, yeah?
Oh, yeah!

Well, you just messed
with the wrong athlete!

Move. Move!

[MALONE]: Show yourself!
Go, go!

You want to take me on? Yeah?
You want to take me on?

You better bring your A game,
'cause I am a competitor!

- Come on!
- [MALONE]: You will come out!

You know I'm gonna find you!

Help!

Come on.

Something tickles.

(SCREAMING)

[RODRICK]: Come on.
Come on. Come on.

(YELLS)

(GREG WHIMPERING)

[MALONE]: You can't outrun me!
I'm a superstar!

RODRICK:
Go, go, go, go!

[MALONE]:
Everywhere you go, it's me!

- (RODRICK SHRIEKS)
- (MALONE GRUNTING)

Stupid carbs!

There's the mall!
Come on.

I can't go much further!

(GREG PANTING)

(PANTING)

(GROWLS)

Got you!

(PEOPLE MURMURING)

[WOMAN]: Coach Malone?

"You can't outrun me!
I'm a superstar!"

"Everywhere you go,
it's me!"

Come on.

Oh, you boys are five minutes
early. Did you have a good time?

A great time.

That is so sweet.

I just can't get over how
well your boys get along.

Well, Larry, we run a pretty
tight ship around here.

It's all about
boundaries, rules.

Anyway, let me show you some of
those Civil War re-enactment photos

I was telling you about.

So, what did
you boys do?

(STUTTERS) Just hung out at the mall.

And talked about life.
Nothing special.

Oh, my God.

Rodrick?

Can you explain what
you're doing in this photo?

That's not me.

That's not you?

Nope.

Okay. How about these?

I can't believe
that you had a party!

Greg, you told me it was a
couple of kids, a band rehearsal!

Wait, Susan,
you knew about this?

[SUSAN]: Yes.

Yes, I knew.

You told Mom?

I knew they
had a party!

It slipped out,
but I took it back!

My instincts told me
you weren't being honest!

- I should've trusted my instincts.
- [FRANK]: Wait!

You knew about this,
but you didn't tell me about it?

I still protected you!

I threw Mom
off your scent!

Great job.
She has no idea!

We are supposed to be a team against them!

They were getting
along so well

I let it blind me
to the truth!

Why were you
taking pictures?

It was so crazy that morning,
I forgot we took the pictures.

So I let it slide.
And I am so sorry.

Oh, God. It feels so good to get that out.

I haven't been able to look at
that bathroom door for two weeks!

I knew that door
had a lock on it!

And everybody was trying to make
me feel like I was losing my mind!

We're just gonna
let ourselves out.

I wouldn't write
a column about this.

(DOOR CLOSES)

I'm going upstairs!

To a bathroom
that has a lock on it

and no one can tell me
that it doesn't.

I have to go talk
to your father.

I will deal with
you boys later.

Rodrick, I really
didn't tell her!

I mean maybe, sort of,
but I made a deal with her,

and we had a really
good time, and...

You're my brother,

but you'll never
be my friend.

(SUSAN BREATHES DEEPLY)

Your father and I have talked and
we've decided on your punishment.

Greg, you're grounded
for two weeks.

Also, no video games
for two weeks.

Rodrick, you may only drive to
and from school for the next month.

As the ringleader, you are
also grounded for a month.

Mom, I'm sorry,
and I won't do it again.

I know you won't.

And to make sure

we're also not allowing you
to perform in the talent show.

What? No.
You can't do that.

Ground me for a year,
I don't care,

but you have to let me
play in that show.

This could be my big break. I'm sorry.

Dad? Come on. This isn't fair.
I just got Bill in the band!

Actually, Rodrick, that
doesn't help your case.

Bill's kind of a jerk.

Our decision is final.

(WHISPERS)
You are so dead!

[GREG]: Things have never been worse.

Our parents
are super mad at us,

so we have to spend
the weekend...

at my grandpa's
boring retirement community.

Holly Hills thinks
I'm Fregley,

and my relationship with Rodrick
is at an all-time low.

So he's made it his mission
to ruin my life.

Quit it!

Why don't you tell Mom?
You're good at that.

Grandpa doesn't like TV.

Instead, he prefers to watch the
lobby on the security channel.

I should be
rehearsing right now.

Please, Grandpa. Please, can
we watch a real TV show now?

TV is just
a bunch of fakers.

This is real life.

It's real life.
You can't beat it.

(SIGHS)

How's about we all go down
to the games room?

You boys like games,
don't you?

[GREG]: The games room
sounds fun...

until you realize that all the games
in there are from, like, the 1800s.

My grandpa's favorite is a really
old board game called Gutbusters.

Now, remember, the object of the game
is to read the joke card...

and all the other players
have to try not to laugh.

(SNICKERS) Good luck!
There is some real rib-ticklers in there!

Yeah.

You go first.

"Putting economic policy
before fiscal responsibility...

"is like putting the cart
before the horse"...

(LAUGHING)

That is hilarious, Grandpa!
Read another one, Greg.

I'm going to go
change my shirt.

Hi!

Oh, hi, Holly.
What are you doing here?

I'm visiting my grandma.
She just moved here.

I'm on Grandpa duty.

Listen, Greg, I'm really sorry for
calling you Fregley the other day.

I don't know
what happened.

I think it's the Greg and Freg
part, my brain just flipped.

You called me Fregley?
I had no idea.

Really?

Not really.

I heard it.
It was pretty rough.

But don't worry, I have the rest
of middle school to get over it.

What happened
to your shirt?

Oh, my brother
spit milk on me.

Let me guess, he was pretending to laugh

at something that
wasn't actually funny.

How did you know?

It's in the Older Sibling Handbook.

Last week, my older sister
put hair remover in my shampoo.

If I hadn't smelled something,
I'd be completely bald by now!

Why would she do that?

Duh! 'Cause
she's my sister.

It's part of the deal. You
fight and then you get over it.

Not my brother.
He hates me

and he'll never
get over it.

Of course he will. He
has to. He's your brother.

I also have a little sister
who's spoiled rotten.

Tell me about it! My little
brother ruins all my stuff,

and somehow I'm the one who ends
up getting in trouble for it.

Doesn't that
drive you nuts?

(SCOFFS)

[GRANDMA HILLS]:
Holly! Time for dinner!

I got to go. It was cool
hanging out with you.

I'll look for you
tomorrow, Greg.

See you later,
Fregley.

[GREG]: I thought being at Grandpa's
was a punishment...

but, really, it was destiny
that Holly was here, too.

My luck had finally changed.

(SNORING)

[RODRICK READING]: "I never believed
in fate, or destiny,

"or whatever, until now.

"Things are finally
starting to go my way!"

Rodrick, be quiet. Talk on the phone
someplace else.

"I thought being at Grandpa's
was a punishment...

"but, really, it was destiny
that Holly was here, too.

"My luck had
finally changed. "

Aww! (LAUGHS)

Give it back,
Rodrick!

This stuff is priceless!
No way.

Come on.
Give it back!

You know what?
I will give it back.

To Holly! Wait till she reads this garbage!

(THIS IS WAR PLAYING)

I don't even want to go

"I can't believe my luck!

"I finally got Holly
all to myself

"without Chirag,
or anyone else!"

(LAUGHING)

Give it back, Rodrick!
Give it back.

No way.

Always stuck
in a daydream

Can't focus
on the other team

Hunted you
all day and night

Now I'm ready
for a fight

This is war

Yeah, yeah, yeah

This is war

Yeah, yeah, yeah

This is war

(GASPS)

'Cause I got
to knock you out

Whoop!

(WOMAN SHRIEKS)

Oh!

(RODRICK LAUGHING)

(GASPS)

They say that
you're the best

You gotta follow
all the rest

This is war

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Record, record, record.

This is war

Yeah, yeah, yeah

This is war

I can't be your friend

'Cause I gotta
knock you out

(PANTING)

(WOMAN COUGHING)

I'm in the ladies'?

(SCREAMS)

[WOMAN]: Peeping Tom!
There's a Peeping Tom in there!

Peeping Tom!
There's a Peeping Tom in there!

Let's get him!

What do you think you're doing in there?
We'll come in and get you!

Take that,
you Peeping Tom!

[WOMAN 1]: Let's get him!

[WOMAN 2]: Get out of here!

[WOMAN 3]:
Stop that pervert!

[WOMAN 4]:
The little whippersnapper!

I've got him!
I've got him!

[WOMAN 5]: Shame on you!

[WOMAN 6]: I've got him
in a headlock!

I'm not the Peeping Tom!

[WOMAN 1]: Where'd he go?

(PANTING)

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

Did he just come out
of the ladies' room?

(SIGHS IN RELIEF)

[RODRICK]: Hey, Greg!

What's new? Huh?

[GREG]: Well, my life
is officially over.

Now that Rodrick
has that tape of me...

running around
in my underwear,

he basically owns me.

(GREG GROANING)

The day of the talent show
came around...

and Mom and Dad
made us both go.

Something about supporting
the community, or whatever.

[ROWLEY]: Scotty!

Come on!

Scotty! Come on!

You don't wanna let the
magic fans down, do you?

[SCOTTY]: Go away!

Rowley, what's wrong?

My assistant, Scotty,
got stage fright...

and now he doesn't
wanna do the show.

Maybe Greg would help out.
He can be your assistant.

What? No way!

What?
Rowley is your best friend.

This is important to him.
You need to do this.

It's okay,
Mrs. Heffley.

Greg is just afraid that
Holly Hills will think less of him.

[GREG]: Rowley.

Mom, can we talk in private? Sure.

Scotty, please.

Look...
Who's this Holly Hills?

Is she your girlfriend?
No!

She's just some girl
who happens to be a friend

who I don't want to be
humiliated in front of.

I see your point.

So is this Holly
in your class?

Mom!

Okay.

Here we go.

So, are you going
to make me do it?

[ROWLEY]:
Please, Scotty.

No. No, I get it.
I get it.

Can you at least
point her out to me?

Okay, okay, I'll stop.

Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls,

welcome to Plainview's
Most Talented!

And without further ado,
Ms. Patty Farrell!

(MEMORY PLAYING)

(SINGING) Memory
All alone in the moonlight

I can smile
at the old days

I was beautiful then

Wow, she's really good.

I remember the time

I knew
what happiness was

Let the memory live again

Touch me

It's so easy to leave me

All alone with the memory

Of my days in the sun

If you touch me...

(WHISPERS)
Greg, she's cute.

She's super cute.

Mom!

Look, a new day

Has begun

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Oh, thank you!

Say hello to the boys and girls, Freggers.

Hello, boys and girls!
I love you.

And tonight, when you are all fast asleep

I'm going to crawl through your
window and give you all a big hug!

(CRYING)

Hey, you could
do that. Right?

Yeah.

(SIGHS)

(YANKEE DOODLE DANDY PLAYING)

A real live nephew
of my Uncle Sam

I was born on
the 4th of July

I've got a
Yankee Doodle sweetheart

She's my
Yankee Doodle joy

Yankee doodle came to...

You can't go on without me. I started
Löded Diper. I'm the backbone!

Well, we got a new
backbone now, dude. (LAUGHS)

This guy.

That's rock
and roll, bro.

Did you guys see the
audience? Oh, man! It's huge.

This roller-skating
kid is really good!

Don't you think...
(BLATHERING)

(SUSAN GASPS)

Greg! Where have you been? I've
been looking all over for you.

Mom, you need to let Rodrick
play in the talent show tonight.

Greg, we've been over this.
He needs to learn a lesson.

His band is playing without
him, and it's not fair.

And I'm sure that's
very hard on him,

but I can't go back
on the punishment.

Mom.
Yes?

You let Rodrick play
in the talent show,

I'll...

...do the magic thing
with Rowley.

Really?
You'd do that?

You'll be Rowley's partner,
even though you said

it's totally embarrassing
and humiliating?

You're willing to do that
just so your brother can play?

Yes.

Come here.

I mean,
how bad can it be?

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(AUDIENCE MURMURING)

[ROWLEY WHISPERS]:
Scotty was right.

There's a lot of
people out there.

Just start with your opening trick,
like you rehearsed at home.

Forget about
all the people. Go.

(EXHALES)

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

I am the Remarkable Rowley,
(TIMIDLY) master of illusion.

And joining me onstage is
my faithful assistant, Scotty.

Greg!
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

Greg.

Who looks a little cold.
Maybe he needs a scarf.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Ew! Don't put them on me!
They're still wet!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Sorry, Greg.
Here's a peace offering.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Fly. Fly away.
Be free, little friend.

(AUDIENCE GASP)

Oh. Oh.

That thing's dead.

(WHIMPERS) I think I had
him in my pocket too long.

(BOTH GASP)

No hard feelings?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Keep going.
We're a hit!

And now,
for my grand finale,

the saw-the-lady-in-half
trick!

If you will.

(WHISPERS) Push out the feet.
(WHISPERS) Okay.

No trap doors.
No chance of escape.

I will now miraculously
saw Greg in half.

Wait. Forget it!
I want out!

What are you doing?

This is the showstopper!

Good, then stop!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ladies and gentlemen,
the Remarkable Rowley!

And Greg the Great!

That should
have been me!

We killed. And I didn't have to die!

It was even better than
it was in the rehearsals.

Hi. Can I have your autograph?

Sure. Sure.

Your performance was
pathetic, Greg Heffley!

Only a moron would find humor in bird poop!

(DOVE COOING)

You stupid bird!

(GRUNTS ANGRILY)

Oh, my gosh. You guys did
great. That was really funny.

The unitard or
the performance?

Both.

Thank you, thank you!
Thank you.

Just do your best,
honey.

Oh, um...

(SIGHS)

Can I borrow
your eyeliner?

Yeah.

Looks like
you guys made up.

We're brothers.

Please welcome to the stage...

L�ded Diper! Oh, yeah!

[RODRICK]: Mom, go!
Get off the stage!

(ROCK BEAT PLAYING)

[BAND MEMBERS]:
We are L�ded Diper!

(SCREAMING)

(SINGING) You told us
we were losers

And we can't do
nothing right

You said
we'd never make it

But just look
at us tonight

All over the place!

Exploded Diper

In your face

Exploded Diper

We can't be stopped

Exploded Diper

Your head is gonna pop

Exploded Diper

You can't keep us down

We're gonna hit the fan

And rock this sleepy town

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

[BEN]: Get up,
all you haters!

Dude, they love us!

No hard feelings,
right, bro?

Hey, Bill,
you know what?

When we're done tonight,
you're out of the band.

What?

That's rock
and roll, bro.

[BOY SINGING]: L�ded...

[BOY 2 SINGING]: Diper...

L�ded...

Diper...

L�ded...

Diper

Come here. Look.

Dad? Are we gonna tell them...

that the audience went crazy
for Mom's weird dancing?

He's happy.
She's happy.

I say we keep this one
between the two of us, okay?

Exploded Diper

It's us, the Diper
And yes, we rock

Exploded Diper

So, I just
wanted to say that

you getting Mom to let me play
last night was really cool.

Yeah, well,
I kind of owed you.

Oh, and here.

The tape? You're giving it to me? Hey!

Don't make a big deal about it
or I'll post it on YouTube, okay?

(BRAKES SCREECH)

Now get out.

Doofus.

Okay.

Later.

Butt-brain!

You know, I guess having a
big brother isn't all that bad.

Maybe we don't
always get along,

but I know he's gonna
be there for me.

Hey, I just spilled grape juice on
the couch and kind of blamed it on you.

Later.

(SIGHS)

I'll get him back.

Action!

(GASPS)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTS)

(BOTH YELLING)

(WHOOPING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Exploded Diper

All over the place!

Exploded Diper

[GREG]: Okay,
it's uploaded.

In your face

Exploded Diper

[ROWLEY]: Holy cow.

This is huge! We're an Internet sensation!

[RODRICK]: Greg!
You are so dead!

Exploded Diper �

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