Original subtitles

Thank you.

Good afternoon, my darling sons of bitches.

Let me introduce myself.

My name is Brandon, and I'll be trying to entertain you over the next hour.

You've probably never heard of me.

That wouldn't be a surprise, because I'm nobody.

They say time flies when you're having fun, so this will seem like forever,

because my jokes suck.

But please stay until the end.

We have so much to talk about.

and I have a surprise for you.

Let me tell you a story about how I came to be here.

Once upon a time, I was married to a beautiful woman named Philippa.

She was everything you could hope for in a woman.

She was adorable.

Everybody loved her.

All our friends, however, wondered, what's she doing with a jerk like me?

And they were right.

I was a shy, boring guy.

obsessed with my work, stuck in my ways, who never had anything interesting to

say.

Are there any accountants out there?

We really are the most boring motherfuckers, you know.

Did you hear that story about the woman that went to the doctor for a checkup?

The doctor told her she only has six months left to live.

She's crying. She's desperate. She said, Doctor!

There must be something I could do.

Sure, said the doctor. You could marry an accountant.

What? Will he make me live longer?

No, said the doctor, but he'll make your last six months here seem like an

eternity.

So one day, Philippa woke up and thought to herself, they're right.

I am beautiful and adorable, and I do shine like a star on a cloudless night.

What am I doing with this jerk?

So she dropped me like a hot tamale.

And this tamale fell far.

I'd never been with another woman besides Philippa.

And when she left me, I was alone and hopeless.

And then one day, I found a flyer on the ground that said, Stand up.

And here I stand.

Don't I kill as a comedian?

Are you having a good time?

Let me tell you a story about George C. Parker.

Have you heard of him?

He was a legendary con man in New York City who could sell anything to anyone.

At the turn of the 20th century, he became infamous for selling rich

tourists the Brooklyn Bridge.

They say he even sold one Russian billionaire the Statue of Liberty.

Well, right now, I feel like George C. fucking Parker.

So listen very carefully, because I have tremendous, fabulous,

wonderful story to tell.

How was that?

Was I, like, too much gurgling, or...? Uh, no, no, no, it was fine.

Oh, hey, any chance I could get my SAG card after this?

Yeah, and I'll be getting my acceptance letter to the Director's Guild any day

now.

Hey, look on the bright side. You get to work with the world-famous Father Lance.

You'll be saved from the forces of darkness in front of millions of

viewers.

Where do you want the rest of these cables?

They're fine where they are. Just make sure you're wired up. And don't forget

to mic up our starlet here.

Do you want me to moan more?

I can, like, no problem.

You're doing fine, Hayley.

Okay.

Heather.

Hey, Freshie, get ready.

We're hitting Ramden 30.

You guys go and help me. I'll meet you there.

You're going to miss pregame.

. . . . .

. . .

Bryce, want me to take it away?

But, Dad, the cleansing hour is almost on.

First, you finish your dinner.

Vegetables, too. Come on.

God damn it, Lance.

Somebody call for an exorcist?

Well, hey, sugar. Where the hell you been, man? We're live in four.

I was... counseling?

Is that fucking lipstick?

Oh, you know, you can't resist a man in uniform.

Tell me again why I put up with your shit.

I'll give you five million reasons in climbing.

Yeah, and if one of those reasons happens to snap a pic of Father Lance

with his hand down some IHOP waitress's skirt, we're done. It's over.

Drew, that's offensive.

I'm a Denny's man.

What? Would you watch it? That's our lifeline. What is your deal today?

I think he's just trying to say you should show more respect for technology.

Who the fuck's that guy?

Braden.

Sound.

What happened to Chris?

He's under the weather.

Asked me to fill in. Okay, well, just don't get your boom in my shot.

And make sure you send an NDA for him.

Wow. Forgive me. Lord, I have sinned. It's been 90 seconds. I haven't

introduced myself.

I'm Lance.

Heather.

Oh. Um, me too.

Heather, it's a beautiful name. He's going to shove these up your nose.

I'm going to place these in your nose. They'll dissolve after five minutes.

Instant nose weave. Drew will direct you.

Thank you.

I'm going to move your hair a second bit within your hair. Okay.

Sorry. I was in the dock for a time.

No problem.

This looks legit.

Where'd it come from? Found it at a garage sale.

30 seconds. Take your mark, Padre.

All right, guys, let's make it a quick one. I got a day with destiny tonight.

Probably not a real name. Oh, Jesus.

Drew, don't take the Lord's name in vain. Okay, 10 seconds.

You ready, Heather?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, in three, two, one.

I cast you out in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ.

You are at the mercy of the Creator.

Welcome to the Cleansing Hour.

I'm Father Lance, your guide through these troubling times.

Tonight, we bring you Sabrina.

An innocent soul tortured.

By the only family she'd ever known.

Molested by her father, beaten by her mother, Sabrina sought escape from her

unimaginable pain in the form of drugs, alcohol, and ultimately, prostitution.

The enemy of God exploited her frailty

and took control of her body. But tonight...

By the grace of God, with my help and your prayers, Sabrina will be rid of

this evil.

Okay, that's great, Heather.

Put your head down. Whatever they can't see will terrify them.

In nomine Patris, et filiae Spiritus Sanctus.

Sabrina is exhibiting incredible strength and aggression. This could be a

stage four possession.

I command you, unclean spirit, by the mysteries of the incarnation, passion,

the resurrection, and the ascension of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you tell me

your name and obey me to the letter.

Speak your name, demon.

Heather, your demon name is... Love God.

Repeat, love of God.

Your name, demon.

Speak!

Damn, Heather, very nice. Tell me your name. In the name of our Lord Jesus

Christ!

Go with it. Her name was Thoth.

Heather, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but please stick to the script.

What on earth are you two watching?

You got poison?

Thoth, abhorrent slime of hell, servant of Satan.

See the cross of the Lord Jesus and submit to the authority of the Almighty.

Fight, Sabrina.

Fight. Do not give in. Fight.

That

wasn't me.

It must have slipped.

But you follow the masses.

You worship the world and the bounty it provides.

You're nothing but a pawn in the eyes of a great one.

Silence!

Silence, demon! I cast you out in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Be gone and depart from Sabrina, who is but an innocent creature of God.

For it is he who commands you.

He who flung you from the heights of heaven to the depths of hell.

The fuck?

Hearken, therefore, and tremble in fear, for you are at the mercy of the creator

of all things.

Submit and depart from us.

Holy shit.

Heather?

I don't think she's acting.

I've got to end transmission.

Don't you dare.

Look at the numbers.

Help me, Father.

Please.

We've got to fix this.

We're the fourth one.

Thirteen million people are going to watch this girl die. Who do you think

they're going to blame?

Help me, Father.

I'm in a book.

I'm the exorcist, right?

Read it out loud. Yeah.

Propel.

Propel, O Lord, the devil's power.

Break asunder his snares and traps.

Put the unholy tempter to flight.

I cast you out, demons!

Be gone! Be gone! Be gone! Depart from us in the name of Jesus Christ!

Sabrina. Are you with us?

Sabrina.

Sabrina, are you with us?

You did good, Heather.

You did good.

I did it.

I fucking did it.

So God created man in his image, and then he created woman.

And he said unto them, Go forth, be fruitful, and multiply, and populate the

earth, and subdue it.

And so we did.

We fucked like rabbits, populated the planet, and fucked it all up.

Out of the mouths of babes and the Bible.

Words hurt, huh?

Man's words hurt even more because they're filled with nothing more than

lies and bad intentions.

Why don't you just give up and let the demon enter your body?

And you, demon, why do you hesitate to enter this woman?

She's not as bad as the others.

Jesus, being an exorcist is really tough.

I mean, a real nightmare.

We used to have to convince the demon out of the body.

But now we're so fucked up, they're too scared to possess us.

Of course, it's all God's fault.

He's the workaholic.

I mean, he could have been like everyone else and worked Monday to Friday. But

no, he's an overachieving asshole who wanted to work six days a week and only

rest on Sundays.

We could have been so cool, but he was in such a rush. No, he made us human.

There are many others like him that take things too seriously, work more than

they need to, slaves to their job.

These workaholics are the ones you have to watch, especially the evil ones.

creepy.

Hello?

Dave? I don't have my fucking Bluetooth.

What are you doing?

Uh, well, I'm talking to you on the phone and driving over to your place.

You know you're late, by the way.

Yeah, well, I might have had to make a stop.

What for?

I got you something.

Last time I got a gift from you, it was a football ticket.

Yeah, and those were really good seats.

You know I don't watch football.

What? What do you mean you don't watch football? Since when? That was a fun

day. I got us on the kiss cam, we had beers, I got you those fucking nachos

you wanted.

Being romantic is not your thing.

Come on. Come on. Don't hit me. What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you doing

fucking steroids or what? Oh, my God.

That is what you get for being an idiot.

Oh, my God. You're so adorable when you're upset.

What if I had a knife in my hand?

What if you had a knife in your hand? I don't know.

What would happen?

Maybe you'd stab me and cut me right here and I'd get blood all over you.

You'd get all wet.

I got your bear.

You are so creepy.

His name's Bill.

Bill? Mm-hmm.

Um, Billy's not a cute name for a bear. I think it's a cute name for a bear.

And I got you flowers.

Does that make up for it?

It's a start. Am I romantic enough for you?

Yeah.

I like how my shirt looks on you, by the way.

Really? It's pretty hot.

Yeah.

But I'm going to need it back right now.

I need you to take it off.

Oh. Should I just take it off? Like right now, yeah. Yeah? Yeah.

Just like right now?

Yeah, like right now.

That's good. That's a good start.

A couple more buttons.

Help me! Help me!

I love you.

Thank you.

Sorry, I hadn't had breakfast.

Anyway, back to the story of Philippa. I always wanted to be a

father.

I wanted children with all my heart.

But Philippa didn't.

She was perfect.

Being pregnant would ruin her figure.

and she would probably lose followers on Instagram.

After we divorced, Philippa quickly moved on and started dating some other

asshole who was even more boring than me.

A year later, she fell pregnant.

So what the hell happened there?

Perhaps Philippa thought she would get more likes than comments.

If she was holding a puppy.

She always liked to do it doggie style.

She probably thought she was going to have puppies.

I loved her dearly.

But she was too shallow.

Too dependent on her appearance.

I mean, you can't blame her.

Who isn't these days?

A culture based on appearances and hypocrisy.

That's what this is.

Perhaps that's why I'm here.

Because I wasn't true to myself.

But no more!

Now is the time to change.

Now is the time to be free.

Es bonito que podamos elegir la ropa juntos.

Tenemos suerte, en serio.

No todo el mundo puede.

Ya sé que te va a quedar un poco grande, pero me gustaría que llevaras el traje

de mi padre.

¿Cómo lo ves?

Me da igual. Me pones lo que sea. Lo que sea, no.

Tienes que ir elegante.

Es un día muy importante para mí.

Va a venir mucha gente y tienes que estar perfecto.

Pues elíjame tú la ropa y ya está.

Yo no estoy de humor.

¿Los zapatos?

Los marrones son más bonitos, ¿no?

Esos me rozan y me hacen herida.

Prefiero los negros.

Estos. Estos son más nuevos.

Están más nuevos porque nunca me los pongo.

Me rozan. Si te rozan, te pones unas tiritas.

Entonces, ¿para qué me preguntas qué zapatos quiero si los vas a acabar

elegiendo tú?

¿Y qué corbata quieres?

A mí me gustan estas dos.

No me gusta llevar corbata.

Yo nunca llevo corbata.

Es mi estilo.

Estilo.

Estilo. ¿Cuál es tu estilo?

Si pareces un pueblerino.

Soy un pueblerino y estoy contento con mi aspecto, ¿vale?

Pues esa barba te la afectas.

Con esa barbaca no vas.

La barbaca no me la toques. Llevo barba prácticamente desde que nací, ¿vale? Tú

ya me conociste con la barbaca.

¿Esa barba va fuera?

Y punto.

Ni te atrevas.

Hablo en serio, ¿vale?

Cariño.

Es la barba.

Es la barba de Arco.

No te queda bien.

Nunca te ha quedado bien.

¿Y esta ropa que estamos eligiendo?

La vas a llevar eternamente.

No tenemos mucho tiempo, así que haz un esfuerzo y ayúdame un poquito con todo

esto.

Tú eres el protagonista.

Vendrá mucha gente todo este verán por última vez en tu velatorio.

Por eso quiero que estés guapo y radiante.

No quiero que piensen que te llevo mal vestido porque eres un simple hombre de

pueblo. Es que soy un simple hombre de pueblo.

Y así es como quiero que me recuerde la gente.

With my shirts, with my chandelier pants, and above all, with my beard.

Don't touch my beard, okay?

I have to go get the flowers, the health care, call the last guests.

There are only three days left for the funeral.

So don't be selfish.

Collaborate a little, please.

Honey, why don't you wait for me to die and then you put this together the way

you like it?

Ay, cariño, no me gusta recordártelo, pero el médico dijo que te quedan menos

de 48 horas.

Pero si se equivoca.

No se equivocará.

¡Qué elegante va!

¿La ropa es suya o os la han dado los de la funeraria?

El traje de mi padre.

Lo elegimos juntos, para la ocasión.

Pues hija, puedes estar contenta.

Está más guapo, muerto que vivo.

Aunque le han maquillado demasiado, ¿no?

Si no lo maquillaran, estaría blanco y daría grima verlo. Aunque yo lo

encuentro una pérdida de tiempo total.

En pocas horas empezará a podrir.

Sin barba está mejor.

Parece más joven. Sin barba está irreconocible. Parece maricón. Yo

siempre le decía que se afeitara.

Sin ese barbón está guapo, guapo. Parece un mariconazo.

¿Por qué lo habéis afeitado?

Era uno de sus últimos deseos.

Si no os importa, podéis ir con el resto al comedor.

Me gustaría estar con él a solas.

Cariño. ¿Pero qué coño haces vivo?

Yo qué sé.

Me acabo de despertar. Dios mío, qué susto.

¿Cómo puede haber?

Si el médico ha certificado tu muerte hace unas horas.

Pues la certificó como el culo.

Porque ya ves, estoy vivo.

Y me encuentro perfectamente.

¿Pero te vamos a enterar en una hora?

All your friends have come. We have everything ready.

Even people who don't like you have come.

Well, we cancelled it and that's it.

Right now I'm going out and I'll explain to everyone what happened.

Are you crazy?

Do you know the mess that has been set up?

There are hundreds of people.

There is an expectation that you can't even imagine.

So many people have come?

But no one has come.

The truth is that there has always been a very popular guy.

Are you serious?

For Ruperto.

You can do this shit.

Juan, let's have a little peace.

Your mother is already here. And my parents are about to arrive.

When they come, they want to see you dead and buried.

We can't defraud them.

I don't want to die yet.

I'm not ready.

Honey.

Do you love me?

Yes. Well, if you really love me...

Muérete.

Quieres que me mate.

Mi niño.

Me han llevado a mi niño.

Faustina, no me la chuche tanto, que me va a arrugar el traje.

Hay que ver qué guapo está sin barba.

Al fin no me has aceitado la barba.

Pero, coño, ¿qué haces vivo? No lo sé.

Pero me he despertado y ya ves, estoy como una rosa.

Es un milagro. Sí.

Claro, ya se lo he dicho a ella.

Es un milagro.

Pero ahora lo que quiero es salir afuera y darle la buena noticia a todo el

mundo. Pero ella no me deja.

Dice que me tengo que morir sí o sí.

Quiere suspender el funeral.

Dice que hasta que no esté muerto, no quiere que la enterremos.

Suspender el funeral.

Pero tú estás loco.

Tú sabes la de gente que ha venido.

Es el entierro del año.

Esto no se puede suspender.

Pero mamá... Ni mamá ni mamó.

Hoy acabas bajo tierra y punto.

No podemos quedar mal con toda esa gente.

Pero es que yo no me quiero morir, mamá.

Nene, no me seas egoísta.

Tienes menos de una hora para morirte.

Joder, qué putada.

¿Cómo queréis que lo haga?

Bueno, no sé.

No sé, aguántate la respiración como cuando tienes hipo.

¿Hipo?

No puedo.

No puedo, me ahogo.

Joder, cariño, de eso se trata.

No me gusta.

Piensa otra cosa. A ti no me gusta.

No me llores.

Y colabora un poquito, hijo.

Si queréis que me muera, pensad otra cosa.

¿Y por qué no te cortas las venas?

Cariño, ¿cómo va?

Mareadillo estoy, pero poco más. En 30 minutos van a venir los de la

funeraria y no lo pueden encontrar así.

Marisa, cariño, ándate a la cocina a pillar el cuchillo jamonero y me lo

clavas las veces que haga falta.

¿Que yo te lo clave?

¿Pero cómo que puede ser tan macabro?

I can't take it anymore.

You do it.

We'll see.

You're not going to die.

You don't feel anything.

Woman... My stomach hurts, but... I think it's more because of the nerves.

Fuck, Juanito, die now.

How are you, mom?

We don't have time.

People are getting impatient.

Este cabrón que no se quiere morir.

Te ayudo. He encontrado esto en la cocina.

Mamá, ¿qué vas a hacer?

Tú sigue acuchillando.

Yo voy a hacer papilla en el estómago.

Es asqueroso.

La vida da asco.

La muerte más.

¿Qué frase más bonita, mamá?

¿Pero qué haces fumando ahora?

Fumar mata.

Deben pasar horas hasta que se desangue.

Esto no funciona.

Pero he dejado la sangre a punto de nieve.

Qué bueno.

Mira cómo está todo.

Yo quería quedar bien con todo.

Me he dejado la vida

preparando este entierro.

Para nada.

I'm going to clean all this blood.

What are we going to tell them? What will they think of us?

Look. Look at our clothes.

And look.

Look at what we have with your son.

Look at what we look like.

You look like what you are.

Two fucking psychopaths.

Don't you dare insult your mother.

Who does she think she is?

A little education.

No se mueve.

¿Qué?

Que no se mueve.

Ni respira.

¿Estás segura?

Sí. Sí.

Creo que lo has matado.

¿He matado a mi hijo?

Sí, Faustina. Lo has matado. Lo has matado.

No, no puede ser. No. No.

Mi hijo no, mi hijo no, no, no.

Pero Faustina, no es lo que queríamos.

Lo peor que le puede pasar a una madre es perder a su hijo.

Pero al menos no tenemos que suspender la ceremonia.

Creo que les he asustado.

Sin la barbaca no me han reconocido.

¿Y ahora qué hacemos?

Yo que no me muero.

Y yo que no me muero.

Si tengo mi green card!

U.S. Border Protection.

How can I help you?

Pues sí.

You can help me. Devuélveme mi trabajo.

¿Qué hiciste?

¿Qué hiciste, cabrón? ¡Me destrozaste el coche, pinche gringo! Thanks for your

collaboration. And remember, don't come back again.

Pues no te pagaremos nada.

Señor Trump, mire, somos gente honrada y

solo queremos pedirle...

¿Quién me cambió el estuche?

¿A quién se lo robaste?

Cántale algo, pero en inglés, que no entiende.

Venga pa' acá, no diplomático.

Le toca a usted reclamarle.

Póngasela.

No lo hace.

Este va a pisotear nuestro pueblo y va a destruir nuestra cultura.

Vaya. Prontito para allá.

¿Y ahora quién podrá salvarnos?

¿Qué es eso?

Es un milagro.

Es que es alcohol.

¿El Ave María?

Well, believe it or not, we're already halfway through the show.

Wasn't as bad as we thought.

Well, perhaps it was. But you have to defend yourself, don't you?

A wise man once said that our decisions get us into trouble.

But our pride that keeps us there.

Sometimes we make decisions to please people or annoy them.

Like I did with my father.

I decided to study accountancy just to piss him off.

My dad was a rock singer, but not one of those that would sell a million records

or that you would see on TV.

He was the type of guy that would hop from bar to bar working for tips.

He was happy.

A free soul.

But he never gave my mother or I a dime.

He said money was the root of all evil.

I was 19 when I enrolled to study the thing he would hate the most.

Accounting.

I would count money.

Touch money.

Smell money.

And become the complete opposite of what he was.

An artist.

Deep down, I hated my choice too. But the fact that it depressed and

disappointed my father was reason enough for it to be worthwhile.

And that's how I ended up working in a career that I hate.

And now my father's dead.

I hadn't counted on that.

Never do anything for anyone else for any reason whatsoever.

Never.

You just do you.

like my granddad, not screaming like his passengers.

John says to Jack, you know, since yesterday, my uncle rests in peace.

Jack says, oh, sorry, I didn't know your uncle died.

He didn't. It was my aunt who died.

Two guys meet in heaven. One says to the other, How did you go?

I froze to death, said the other. And you?

I died of laughter.

Laughter? What do you mean?

Well, I thought my wife was having an affair, so I left for work and then

returned an hour later to catch them.

I searched the whole house for them, and when I realized my mistake, I started

laughing and gave myself a heart attack.

You idiot, says the other guy.

If you looked in the freezer, you could have saved us both.

Get it?

The lover was hiding in the freezer.

The other guy was a cook-hold.

Just like you.

Why do you say that?

Because you're a cook-hold.

I'm not a cock-hold. Yes, you're holding my cock right now.

No, I'm not.

Anyway. I don't know why I'm arguing with you. I don't know why you've got

your hand up my ass.

You know nothing. You know nothing about Philippa. She loves me.

No, you're right. Of course I don't.

But you remind me of this guy, Dan.

Dan was playing in a casino.

His friend rushes in and says, Quick, Dan, your wife is sleeping with someone

else in the car park.

Dan runs out.

Comes back ten minutes later.

You idiot.

You scared me.

It wasn't someone else. It was the same guy as always.

Cut it out.

Philippa says, honey, can you buy me a cell phone?

What about the other one?

The other one will get me a tablet.

Hey, Brandon.

You know how Philippa's nickname is Phil.

Well. When she gets her any nose from too much sex, the guys all call her Boo!

Hey,

you know what else they call your wife?

American flag!

Because she even gets planted on the moon!

Mission Control?

Do you read me?

Mission Control?

Do you read me? Mission

Control,

this is SEV Omega T-26.

Mission Control, this is S.E.V. Omega T-26.

Thank you.

This is not an equality day. This is not an equality day. This is not an equality

day.

situations are quite necessary.

But when it comes to your skin, chemicals aren't there. No, no.

So after buying food, buy your beauty products. Why am I not surprised?

Okay, people listening to us are probably dying to know more, so stop the

agony and forgive me. Well,

biological beauty is quite trendy today.

The beauty and now the health issues have started to get on the bandwagon,

saying that if people put bio into their body, why not put bio onto their body

too? It's just brilliant stuff. Yeah, it's fascinating.

And also, so now you have, I can see it right here, quite a list of natural bio

ingredients, and our listeners can go out and buy any natural food. So am I

right? Yes, yes, yes, you're right.

Nice, man.

Good job.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you.