Original subtitles

(TIRES SCREECHING)

In this land of ours, there are many great pits,

but none more bottomless than the Bottomless Pit,

which as you can see here, is bottomless.

Question. Is it bottomless?

(SIGHS) Kids, could one of you try explaining this to Soos?

Grunkle Stan, why are we here, again?

To dispose of things that we don't want.

So long, Mystery Shack suggestion cards.

Goodbye, creepy love letters from Lil Gideon.

(GRUNTING) Die! Die!

(GRUNTING)

What are you doing?

Throwing stuff, dude. Everyone's doing it!

(GRUNTING)

What you got there, Mabel?

(CHUCKLES) It's just my personal box of mysterious secrets.

Nothing worth wondering about!

(LAUGHS)

(GRUNTS)

Goodbye forever!

Grunkle Stan, do I really have to be the one to point out

that a bottomless pit is, by definition, impossible?

Says you!

Well, I guess we'll never know.

(WIND WHOOSHING)

Aah! It's some sort of invisible pushing force!

Quick! Everyone back to the Shack!

I'm not done getting rid of these yet!

(GRUNTS)

Grunkle Stan! No!

Almost. Almost. Almost.

(ALL SCREAMING)

(BLEATS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING STOPS)

(wmo BLOWING)

So, anyone wanna scream some more?

Where are we?

We're somewhere where it looks like we're nowhere.

(LAUGHS)

We're gonna land on something eventually.

Could be any second now!

Well, it looks like we're down here for the long haul.

Who wants to see some card tricks?

Ta-da!

Hey! Maybe we should pass the time by tellin' stories.

I've got a story!

It's called the time Grunkle Stan got us all thrown into a bottomless pit,

where we spent the rest of our natural lives!

Go on.

Come on, Dipper, you can do better than that.

Fine. I'll tell you a story.

A story I'd like to call, "Voice Over."

(THUNDER CRACKLING)

Ready?

ALL: Spin the pig!

Whoa'!

Hey, Grunkle Stan, ever kissed a pig before?

I'm not gonna answer that question.

Guys! Guys! I think I just got bit by a snake!

I need you to get me to a hospital quick!

(LAUGHING)

What? What's so funny?

Sorry, it's just hard to focus on what you're saying

with that squeaky puberty voice you got there.

My What?

It's nothing to be ashamed of, Dipper.

Your voice is hilarious.

Are you saying my voice cracks? My voice doesn't crack.

Dude, no offense,

but it cracks so much we've already made a techno remix out of it.

(RAPPING) Nice to meet you My name's Dipper Pines

Pines, Pines, Pines Nice to meet you

Pines, Pines, Pines

Do I really sound like that?

Oh, here comes my favorite part!

(HIGH-PITCHED) Stop it, guys!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Give me that! (GRUNTING)

ALL: Spin the pig!

(SIGHING)

Ugh! Even my sighs sound weird.

-Hello there! -Ahhh!

I couldn't help but overhear yer sitchy-ation!

Old Man McGucket! (SPITS) Part-time inventor!

Why did you spit on your hand?

I don't rightly know!

Hey, I remember you! Your robot almost killed me!

Come here! Follow me into this dark, dangerous alley!

Lately I been a-tinkerizin' with a voice-altering tonic,

on account of my horrifyin' voice!

(CRYING)

You can run, but I'll still be in yer nightmares!

This will really fix my voice? Thanks!

(GULPING) Ah!

Come mornin', you'll sound like a new man!

If you survive.

(ROOSTER CROWING)

(YAWNS)

(IN DEEP VICE) Good morning, Dipper.

I did it! I did it!

Now I have a new voice!

(HEARTY LAUGHTER)

Morning, Mabel. Who's my favorite Mabel?

-Ahhh! Who are you? -(GROANING)

What have you done with my brother?

Dipper! I'll save you from this body-switching warlock!

Mabel, it's me! This is my voice now. I sound awesome.

Sound awesome.

I knew boys' voices changed, but this is weird. Weird and bad.

Mabel, this is the best thing that ever happened to me.

And just think of the prank calls.

-MAN: Hello? -Hello.

This is the President of the United States of America.

I'm calling to tell you...

(BLOWING RASPBERRY)

What? Who is this?

Ho-ho-ho!

Magnificent!

Mabel no like.

How you diddly doing, Soos?

-Kill it! Kill it with fire! Everyone flee! -(GROANING)

(CLAMORING)

What gives, man?

You guys all made fun of my old voice.

I thought you'd like the new one.

Dude, at least before you sounded like a real person.

Now you sound like some kind of weird commercial dude.

I'll find Stan. He'll like my new voice. You'll see!

I'll be right back after these messages.

Er... I mean, goodbye.

Grunkle Stan. Grunkle Stan!

Where are you, Grunkle Stan?

Huh? I'd know that voice anywhere!

You're the guy who prank-called me earlier!

(GROWLING)

No. No, I'm not. I'm just a 12-year-old boy!

You expect me to believe that, you crazy-voiced punk?

Wait! No!

(SCREAMS)

There's a prank caller on the loose! Let's get him!

Yeah! Come on! Come on, let's get him!

Oh! Oh!

Whoa!

escape!

(LAUGHING)

McGucket! Your invention was a catastrophe!

That's probably why I live in the dump!

(MIMICS DRUMROLL)

My own sister didn't recognize me.

I scared away crowds! I even sound ridiculous when I cry.

(CRYING)

Well, now, here's yer problem!

I gave you the wrong drink y-ma jig!

This one's for voice-over professional.

Ah! I'm sure I've got a better voice in here somewhere.

Good! Hurry up.

You got here just in time.

Come sundown, you'd have reverted back to your ridiculous old voice.

It was ridiculous, wasn't it?

D-D-D-Dipper Pines, that's me

MABEL: This remix is dedicated to my brother.

Dipper, your voice is one of a kind.

SOOS: Dude, I never heard anything like it. Remix over!

(MIMICS EXPLOSION)

You ready for yer new voice? This one should be permanent!

DIPPER: Ahem!

(INHALES DEEPLY)

-(NORMAL VOICE) Hey, guys. -Dipper!

-Oh, dude, you're back! -(CHUCKLING)

Yeah. I guess I realized that even though my voice might not be perfect,

it's still mine and I wouldn't change it for anything.

Not even for whatever was in this new vial.

So what did you do with the rest of that potion?

I dumped it in Stan's coffee.

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Any of you kids seen my girdle?

Where my girdle at?

(LAUGHING)

What? What's so funny? I'm Grunkle Stan!

Kids laughin'. Laughin' at their grunkle.

I spy, with my little eye, something that is black!

Ooh! Ooh!

-Everything. -Yay for Soos!

STAN: Yay for Soos!

Hey, guys! Who wants to pass the time by spinning?

Everyone, spin!

No.

-Whee! -(SCREAMING)

(CHUCKLING)

-Whee! (LAUGHING) -Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Dipper's pain is funny.

But I'm starting to get bored. Soos, tell a story.

Really? Okay.

This story is called,

-"Soos' Really Great Pinball Story." -(DIPPER SCREAMING)

Is that a good title?

Do they have to be, like, puns or whatever?

-(HORSE NEIGHING) -(GUNSHOTS)

BOTH: Go! Go! GO!

This is it, dudes.

After four long years of trying,

I might finally get the high score on Stan's creepy old pinball machine.

If I do this,

I'll go down in pinball history

with the likes of Sal, Gaff, and, of course, Poo.

Have you ever tried, maybe, just tilting the machine?

I don't know, dudes. Isn't breaking the rules, like, against the rules?

Nuts to the rules! Tilt! Tilt! Tilt!

-(GUNSHOT) -(NEIGHING)

Failure. You stink!

All right, that's it. Ready, kids?

BOTH: Tilt! Tilt! Tilt! Tilt!

Quit tiltin', pardner. Quit tiltin', pardner.

Tilt!

Bull's-eye!

(GUNSHOTS)

New high score.

-Yeah. -Yes! All right!

This is the best moment of my life.

This totally beats my old best moment.

That ain't right. You cheated.

Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

You're just a pinball game, pinball game. Taunt, taunt.

Uh, guys? There's an awful lot of green lightning coming out of that game.

No, that's the normal amount of green lightning.

(CRACKLING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(BELLS RINGING)

(GROANS) Five more minutes.

Aah! That's not a normal alarm clock.

Soos! We're inside the game!

-Crazy. -Sweet Moses!

Hushed exclamation of wonder.

(MABEL GASPS)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Awesome!

Being! Being! Being!

(LAUGHING)

Dude, if this is a dream, I never wanna wake up!

That can be arranged.

Welcome to Tumbleweed Terror, pardners!

(GUNSHOTS)

Hey, it's the skeleton cowboy guy.

Did you zap me into your game

to congratulate me on getting the high score?

I beat Poo, dude.

Hardly. If'n I do recall, I warned y'all not to cheat.

I tried to be gentleman-like.

But I'm plum sick of being tilted.

(CLANGING)

So now I reckon I'm gonna tilt you.

Oh, yeah? Well, take this! Ow!

And this! Ow! It hurts!

I wish this was working better! Oh, dude!

-BOTH: Soos! -(COWBOY SKELETON LAUGHING)

Get yourselves ready for the...

(NEIGHING)

-Multi-ball! -Multi-ball!

Multi-ball!

(COWBOY SKELETON LAUGHING EVILLY)

(ALL SCREAMING)

Over there!

(PANTING)

COWBOY SKELETON: Where are you?

I'm not done teachin' you a lesson about cheating yet!

How are we ever gonna get out of here?

-Think, guys! -I'm trying-

But it's hard with that gorgeous pinball wench distracting me.

(CHUCKLING)

Okay, don't worry, guys.

I know every inch of this machine.

There's a manual power switch inside.

I can sneak in there and turn off the game.

But we'll have to distract the cowboy guy.

Are either of you good at jumping up and down

and making annoying noises?

My time has come.

All right, let's go, Soos. Soos?

So are you, like, doing anything later or...

Right.

Come on out and show yourselves, varmints!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Listen to me and look at what I'm doing!

(MIMICKING AIRPLANE)

(BLOWING RASPBERRY)

Somethin' ain't right here.

-MABEL: Distraction! Distraction! -(DIPPER HUMMING)

-Let me see where this is goin'. -MABEL: La, la, la, la...

(GRUNTING)

Oh! (GASPS)

(LAUGHING) Yippee-ti-yi.

What? Where are ya?

(GRUNTING)

Darn it, I wish I had a neck!

Soos! Psst! What's going on? Just press the switch already!

Okay, so I was gonna do that, but I've been thinking.

According to this, turning off the power

erases the high score permanently.

That score is, like, my one big life accomplishment.

What? If you don't hurry up, we could die in here!

Fair point. But, what is life anyway,

when compared to the immortality of a high score?

Soos! Are you out of your...

COWBOY SKELETON: There y'all are.

Get ready to meet yer maker, kids!

My maker is Ballway Games in Redmond, Washington.

(YELLING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Mabel!

Soos!

MABEL: Soos, please!

Turn it off!

Uh...

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Goodbye, high score!

(GRUNTS)

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

(BOTH GASPING)

(GASPING)

Oh, you dudes okay?

Yeah, Soos. You did it! You freed us!

Hey, man, I'm sorry you had to lose your high score.

That's okay. I got a new life accomplishment now.

Saving you dudes.

-BOTH: Aw! -(SOOS CHUCKLING)

You think that pinball wench will call me?

I can't believe this nonsense!

Magic tonics? Soos winning at something?

Where do you come up with this stuff? I'll tell you a good story.

It's called "Grunkle Stan Wins the Football Bowl."

(GRUNTING)

(LAUGHS)

Mr. Pines.

I thought old folks were useless,

but you taught me and my gloating friends a lesson.

(CHEERING)

Here's your football winning trophy, Mr. Pines!

Thanks, beautiful woman,

but I couldn't have done it without my sidekick, foot-bot.

Thank you for building me, Daddy.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I love you, Stan.

-(ALL JEERING) -I'm incredulous.

-Come on! Ridiculous! -Come on, that was really dumb!

What? That story was great.

I even threw in a talking robot for the kids.

Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna tell a non-terrible story.

A story called "Trooth Ache!"

This attraction is gonna make me a fortune!

Easy with that bear, Corduroy! I need him in showroom condition!

(ROARING)

No! No!

Aw! They're hugging!

So let me get this straight.

Your plan is to teach this bear to ride a bicycle?

Nah. Come on. Everyone's seen a bicycle-riding bear.

No, no. I'm gonna teach this bear to drive!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

And the yellow light means speed up.

(SIREN WAILING)

Uh-oh!

What seems to be the problem, Officers?

(ROARING)

Now there had better be a darn good explanation for this.

Oh, there is.

You see, I'm a very old man, not long for this earth,

and the doctor's assigned me a seeing-eye bear

to drive me to the hospital in case of emergencies.

Is that right? Then where's your doctor's note?

Why, it's right here, inside my jacket!

Ah! There you go!

Well, I can't argue with Doctor Medicine.

To the hospital, honeypants!

(ROARS)

Grunkle Stan, how could you lie to those policemen?

Don't you know lying is always wrong?

Mabel, when you get to be my age,

you'll learn that sometimes you have to bend the truth

for the greater good.

Hey, has anyone seen my plate of spaghetti?

(SLURPS)

No. But I bet Soos has. You know how he likes to eat.

This is a dark day. Thanks, Grunkle Stan!

See? Greater good.

Ahh!

Waddles, what am I gonna do about Grunkle Stan?

(DEEP VOICE) He needs to stop lying.

(NORMAL VOICE) I know! But how do we stop him?

(DEEP VOICE) Maybe you should check Dipper's journal. Oink, oink.

(NORMAL VOICE) Say "Oink" one more time.

(DEEP VOICE) Oink, oink.

(NORMAL VOICE) Waddles, you genius!

"Buried 'neath a tree stump in the deep forest are Truth Teeth,

"which force upon the wearer an inability to lie."

Hmm...

(SNORING)

What's going on? What? Mabel?

Quick question. What happened to Dipper's spaghetti plate?

I ate it because I have little to no concern

for other people's possessions or emotions.

Huh. That was strangely candid.

Almost as if I'm unable to lie. Well, goodnight!

(SNORING)

(INAUDIBLE)

You what? That seems like a horrible idea!

It's great! Now he has to tell the truth.

Hmm.

Scrambled meat, here it is.

Stan, what do you do in secret every day during your lunch break?

Usually I spend the hour

aggressively scratching myself in places I shouldn't mention.

Now I'm going to avoid making eye contact

by pretending to read this newspaper.

And go to the bathroom without washing my hands.

BOTH: Ew!

Well, that was disturbing.

Don't worry, Dipper. The truth is always a good thing.

Excuse me. Do you think this T-shirt is my size?

Never mind the T-shirt! Hey, everybody!

Look at this guy's abnormal and unattractive face!

(SHOCKED REACTIONS)

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Doing my taxes.

Uh, Grunkle Stan, why did you write this?

Because I regularly commit massive tax fraud.

Might wanna tuck that one away there.

(VOCALIZING)

Oh, no!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Sometimes I think, "Is this all there is?"

"Is life just some kind of horrific joke without a punch line?

"That we're all just biding our time

"until the sweet, sweet, release of death?"

(SHUDDERS)

(TV SHOW CONTINUES)

Kids! I think I have a growth forming on my back!

Just wanted to be honest with you guys!

I can't take it anymore, Mabel!

You have to take those teeth out of his mouth.

But then he'd be a liar again!

Could it possibly be any worse that this?

(DOORBELL RINGS)

So after further investigation,

turns out there is no Doctor Medicine in Gravity Falls.

You better have a durn good explanation for this!

Oh, and I do! You see, I lied to you.

In addition, I've been parking in handicap spaces,

shoplifting fireworks

and smuggling endangered animals across multiple state lines.

Also, you're fat.

Is all this true?

No! No, it's not true! Right, Mabel?

Uh... Sirs, I have to be completely and totally honest with you.

Our Great Uncle Stan is...

(GROWLING)

Stan is secretly a crime fiction writer!

-What? -(CHUCKLING) Yeah!

He was just telling you about a character

from his upcoming page-turner, Crime Grandpa!

He's never committed a crime in his life!

Also, have you lost weight?

(CHUCKLING)

Well! Finally someone noticed.

Wow! An author! Can you teach me how to read?

What? Author?

(CHUCKLING) Writers! Masters of fiction. Goodnight, Officers!

(SIGHS)

Hey, you all right?

I can't believe I lied.

Mabel, it was for the greater good.

Yeah. The greater good.

STAN: Hello, police station?

Yeah, I forgot to tell 'em about my tax fraud. No, tax fraud.

-DIPPER: Get 'em out! -What's gotten into you kids?

We have to find a place to get rid of these.

(GRUNTING)

And I never saw that box full of magical teeth again.

Oh, wait! There it is.

(ALL GROAN)

Oh, sweet! My shoes!

I liked the part with the bear. The rest seemed pretty far-fetched.

Mabel, we already know that story. We just lived through it.

So if we're living through that story right now,

then how does it end?

Guys, do you see that?

Oh, what is that?

-Oh, no! -Where are we going?

-That doesn't look good. -(ALL SCREAMING)

(BLEATING)

(SCREAMING)

(GROANING) Where are we?

(GASPING) Look! The Shack!

Which means we came right back out the top!

And I don't think any time has passed.

It must be some kind of worm-hole.

Yeah, dude, that sounds sciency enough to be true.

(STAMMERS) But that's impossible! No one will believe us!

Maybe this is one story we should keep to ourselves.

ALL: Agreed.

-(wool> CREAKING) -(STAN SCREAMING)

He'll be fine.

(SIGHS)

This is stupid.