All language subtitles for Futurama S14E03 1080p WEB h264-JFF

What?

The following futuristic science fiction
program contains scenes of 17th century

pirates, also vampires.

Viewer discretion is advised.

It truly is a grand piano, Madam Glab.
Yes, it is the dupe's gift to the

vampire empire, and all I ask is for
your world to join our alliance.

Perhaps. But how am I to transport it to
my planet?

That Brannigan at your service, your
highness.

My crew is ready to die to get it safely
to your homeworld.

No crew, Brannigan.

Well, who's gonna die?

This is a top-secret diplomatic mission.
So to handle the delivery, I've hired

two civilian know-nothings we'll never
see again.

Hello! Are you quite sure that the piano
is fully operational?

I thought you'd never ask!

What? Careful, ma'am.

Rachmaninoff's a hot-button issue for
Bender.

This piano is extremely fragile, and
it's strong to a tension of 2,000

megasproings. One wrong chord, and it
could explode.

Wrong chord?

You insult me, Madam President.

Wrong chord. Stupid President. Never
gets to explode anything.

To an alliance that will last a
lifetime.

Or longer.

Marella, why is Glab sucking up to the
vampire empire?

They're a bloodthirsty dictatorship.

Indeed. And this is supposedly the
democratic order of planets.

Oh, so that's what dupe stands for.

Glab's final term as president is about
to end. Is this really how she wants to

be remembered?

As the leader who secured a valuable
ally for the dupe? Yes.

Trust me, there are considerations at
the highest level. Then why haven't I

heard about it? You're one level below
that.

Two if you keep asking questions.

Devil, if that thing explodes, Kip will
be mopping you off the walls for hours.

And you never really get it all out.

Man, this piano must be worth its weight
in these gems it's made of. I can't

believe no one but me is trying to steal
it.

Incoming ship.

Ah, there we go. Sir, it's a vessel in
hot pursuit. My favorite pursuit

temperature. Perhaps it's a sexy sea
alien.

They've opened fire.

Could it be friendly fire? Perhaps
intimately friendly.

I guess not. Return friendly fire.

Do you control the missiles on this
ship?

I know that.

I just said it out loud so they can
quote it in my eventual metal citation

next.

Fry has fallen, and he can't get up. Oh,
never mind. He's up.

Fry, are you all right?

No. Zav's ship is under attack, and I
need you to come pick me up.

Zav's ship?

That's Kif's ship.

Hurry. I'll be waiting out front with my
lunchbox.

We've got to save Kif. And Fry.

And Bender, too, I guess, if there's
time.

To the ship.

They're not here either.

Well, we've searched the entire infinity
of space twice.

Well, let's go home and start pricing
coffin-less funerals.

Wait! There's something up ahead!

That's not something. It's just a creepy
old wreck.

Then what's Fry's Lunchbox doing here?

What? He's not eating it.

There might be splinters of unthinkable
size in there. So we'll enter in order

of expendability.

First Zoidberg, then everyone else.

Hooray! I'm red-shirting with friends!

This turtle soup is still warm.

Whoever was on this ship was just about
to eat dinner.

When something horrible happened.

And on an empty stomach.

I won't let us meet that fate.

The scorecard stops right in the middle
of the fifth frame.

Something horrible must have happened.
Just as they were about to pick up the

spare.

The officer.

Disco. They must have been just about to
do the hustle when something horrible

happened. Something even more horrible
than the hustle?

Adventure buddies.

I found something strange behind the DJ
station.

It might be a clue.

Zap, what are you doing here?

And where's Kiss?

And Fry.

And Bender at this time.

Hey, they took my ship. Marooned me here
like a space-age Gilligan.

Who? Who marooned you? you. Space
pirates.

Space pirates? You know, pirates, but in
space.

They've hoisted the black flag. That
means they'll treat us honorably if we

surrender. I didn't crawl under this
desk to surrender.

Hoist the flag that means no.

We only have one flag.

Hoist it.

Why are humans so scared of their own
skulls?

Long John Long Johns, duly elected
governor of the Pirate Republic, at your

service. Ye hen-hearted numbskulls,
surrender your treasure.

Brannigan never surrenders. The Battle
of Coward's Cove? Brannigan rarely

surrenders. Besides, we have no
treasure.

What's that the robot's stealing?

Uh, what? This fabulous gem-encrusted
piano?

It's worthless.

Deliver the piano, ye pants-pooping
bilge puppies.

Or face our wrath.

Ready your wrath.

Just give it to them, sir. It's not
worth losing our lives over a piano. You

clearly overestimate the value of your
life.

No piano.

It's no use. We're out of ammo. Then
we'll ram them. No point in having a ram

if we're not going to use it.

What do you think he's going to do with
that ram?

Damage report. We're going down.

Or up, maybe.

Finally, I can deduct that ram as a
business expense.

It's still alive.

They must have mastered the fine art of
jump to the side.

Raise shields.

Sir, their ship is taking on vacuum.
Space law requires us to save them.

Space laws were made to be space broken.

Raise the shields, Croker. That's a
space order.

Your ship is ours.

What the H-E double hell is going on,
Gif? Didn't you raise the shields?

I thought I did.

I've never been good with buttons.

Step away from your digital control
interface, you rat-infested pool boys.

Wow, you're really good at cursing. Tis
why I became a pirate, you sponge

-munching vacuum bag.

You will tell your children of the day
you were taken prisoner by the infamous

Don Electro.

The terror of the Spanish mains? You
honor me. I will return the compliment

if you ever achieve anything.

Ow! Bird feet!

My name's Buddy, because I'm your new
buddy.

You're really annoying.

Why don't I start repeating everything
you say?

Everything I say? Everything I say?

You're really annoying.

Well, we hereby surrender.

Brannigan knows when he's been beat,
because it happens a lot.

Thus, the pirates have scooted with the
piano and your compatriots and left me

here with nothing but a lifetime supply
of food and entertainment.

I don't understand. How did they get
past your shields?

Treason! By that slimy, double-dealing
salamander, Kip Croker.

Thank you, Mrs. Croker.

You had a little turtle soup on you. But
you're wrong about Kip. He would never

betray the dupe.

You may need to soak that.

It's hopeless.

We have no idea where the pirates took
Fry, Kif, and Bender if there's time.

Hold your hopeless horses.

The crystals on that piano are pure
gem-julium. They'll have left a faint

trail of radiation.

We can follow it if we act quickly
before... Stop this shit, Leela.

You can follow that trail to your
friends later.

But first, we're going to follow it to
my ship.

Our friends are on your ship.

I said later.

Full speed ahead.

Someone buckle me in my car seat.

We must be getting close to the pirate
homeworld. Space is thick with armhooks

and parrot guano.

Okay, everybody ready? We'll go lights
out and make them by surprise.

Surprise!

Surprise!

State your names on businesses.

Okay, um, I am Tarangalila, uh, pirate
queen of the bad

ship. Planet Express ship.

A name that strikes indifference in our
hearts.

And my merciless crew.

Uh, Merciless Amy Wong.

Arr! That's a pirate thing, right?

It be a bit old-fashioned, but aye.

Legally Blind Farnsworth. Red Shell.

The Butcher of Jamaica.

Hey. And, uh... Slap Sparrow.

Ugh. We come to join your buccaneer
band.

We don't admit just any ship that sails
into our hidden harbor. We'll decide

according to the pirate code, which
calls for a free and democratic vote.

All in favor?

Aye. All opposed?

Nay.

Petition denied.

You're to be hung from the yardarm at
dawn.

Is there no alternative?

Sure. Where do you want to be hung from?

Don't ask us to move on, Dawn, though.
The morrow's pretty busy.

Things'd be different if you'd have
brought us some loot.

Loot? Aye, old booty. We also accept
swag, plunder, and treasure.

We maintain a diversified portfolio as a
hedge against market downturns.

I've got a Starbucks gift card.

What balance be it loaded with?

$500,000.

A hearty Freebooter welcome to our
newest citizens, Captain Leela and her

somewhat motley crew.

With this bounteous gift card and our
share of the piano jewels, twill be our

finest fiscal quarter yet!

You pirates are surprisingly
bureaucratic. Aye, we're a rowdy social

democracy with no law but our written
constitution and various regulatory

mechanisms. Our halls run red with tape.

You're a fine-looking man, Farnsworth.
Of course, I have but the one good eye,

so you might be hideous.

I only wish I could see how hideous you
are, Bonnie Bonnie.

Here, turn me eye patch.

That can't possibly help.

Good Lord, I can see perfectly.

So can I.

Apparently, I ne'er really had no vision
problem.

This is a pretty good party. I guess we
can look for Fry later.

Mila? Is that someone imitating you?

Fry! He's part of our crew.

Release him.

He's not locked.

I know, but I felt like you didn't want
me to leave.

Hi, Leela. How's the boot rash?

Better. I've been using a new
antibiotic.

What's with the bird?

I'm Buddy, Fry's new best friend.

He told me all about you. All about you.
All about you. Is Kiff in there?

Oh, no.

Nothing but vermin.

Yeah, nice to see you too.

I don't understand.

Where's Kip?

Where's Kip? Where's Kip? Captain Long
John's took him away when we got here.

I knew it. Croker and the pirate are in
cahoots. What a pair of cahooters.

Kip's no traitor.

He's so honest, he withholds payroll
taxes from our kids' allowance.

We've a long night of carousing ahead of
us, so please stand while ye still can

for the national anthem.

That's our red anthem.

Oh, I thought you'd never ask.

Now raise your hands in proud salute.

The Republic of Pirates is our home.

And keep them there while we take your
loot. We're a law-abiding democracy, but

we've got no law against piracy. It's
considered protected speech, you see,

but you're welcome to try and sue.

There's rights for all, but less for
you. We count each vote in our hideaway

home. As elected leader, I can run you
through.

Each pirate's equal under law. Each
pirate's equal under law. equal of each

macaw. You severed my neck vein with
your claw.

Did you get that looked at soon?

We learnt about the drunken rain. In a
morally ambiguous island home.

Where twelve is illegal drinking age.

Our government's good, our economy's
bad, but we're hated and feared and our

souls are dead. But we each make at
least two hundred grand.

So to hell with the living wage.

Hey, what happened to the piano?

And the bench?

Come on. We'll search the fortress from
top to bottom.

It's only got one story. It's a
ranch-style fortress.

Look.

X marks the spot.

What spot?

I don't know. That spot.

Where the X is. Come on.

It's just a bathroom, but it's really
nice.

The toilets are shaped like treasure
chests, and they're filled with gold

doubloons.

Leela, you don't think Kif would
actually turn traitor, do you?

I don't know. They say every man has his
price.

Price? You mean I could get paid for my
treachery?

I held up my end of the bargain,
Captain. Time to divvy up the loot.

You'll get your cut, ye crafty devil.

One for thee, one for me.

Count by twos. It'll be faster.

Here's your half the plunder. I'll need
the pillowcase back afore bedtime.

Hold it right there!

Leela! Amy!

Fry! Bender!

Professor? Zoidberg?

Hermes? Captain?

Oh, Kif. You are a traitor.

How could you? I'm ashamed to call you
my best friend. I can explain.

I'll do the explaining.

Hang on.

Okay.

Admirella? You're behind all this? If by
all this you mean saving democracy, then

yes, I am. Is that what you mean?

I don't... I don't know what I mean. I'm
just so blown away by that chair.

There was no other way to defend the
dupe from President Glab.

She intends to engineer a third term and
make herself president for life.

Impossible. Dupe law limits her to two
terms.

The assembly would never vote to change
that.

In case you hadn't noticed, she's been
packing the assembly with stooge

dictators on the fly, admitting the
vampire empire would give her the tie

-breaking vote.

This is preposterous.

I can prove it.

Then it's not.

I give you the piano, and you join the
dupe and give me your vote. Do we have a

deal? Cross my heart and hope to live.

So I brought the pirate and Lieutenant
Croker into my confidence.

He's the little green one there. We've
met.

Together we staged a raid to steal the
piano and foil Glab's plan.

We'd keep half the gems as our fee.

T'was earmarked for the pension and
health fund.

My role was to ensure the pirates gained
access to the piano. So I opened the

airlock instead of raising the shield.

So it was sabotage. And by the way, I'm
not Zap Sparrow. I'm Zap Brannigan.

I don't care even slightly.

The plan worked perfectly.

Kip and I saved the dupe from Glab's
corrupt scheme.

Oh, Kiffy. I don't know how I could have
doubted you.

I'm sure it took a lot of hard work,
dear.

It's just surprising that the Vampire's
Vault could be bought with a sub

-liberate grade piano.

That's where you're wrong.

Oh, well, that and some other places.

You see, this piano is on the verge of
implosion. The strings are tighter than

Grandma's girdle.

There be terror on the high sea.

Magnet. Furthermore, gem-julium crystals
are highly radioactive.

So if the piano were to implode, it
would compress them to hypercritical

mass. Uh-huh. Then what?

A nuclear explosion of unthinkable
power!

Well, thinkable, but damn big.

My God.

Glab was bribing the vampires with a
weapon of mass destruction?

It's worse than I thought. And I already
thought it wasn't great.

Carnivulon, on the motion to suspend the
term limit law and elect me to a

lifetime reign, how do you vote?

That would be lovely, yes.

Then it's tied.

Vampire Empire, you have the deciding
vote.

I am not sure, Madam President. It is so
hard to make up one's mind with no

piano.

Hello.

Oh.

There, for some reason, is your piano.

Now vote yes.

Not so fast, Madam President.

Under dupe law, remember that, the
vampires are not voting members until

their anthem has been played.

Ugh, fine.

Play the dance song.

I thought you'd never ask.

Please rise for the Vampire National
Anthem.

Oh, no. Your national anthem is a whole
lot of shaking going on.

What? Even vampires like a good sock-up?

Come on over, baby. Whole lot of shit
going on.

Play gently.

That's as gently as you can play it.
Come on over, baby. Baby, you can't go

wrong. This is your doing. Make him
stop.

I ain't faking. Not till you resign the
presidency.

Nigga. Now let's get real low on time.

Shake. What do you want? Money?

Drugs? Piano lessons?

All you got to do is stand and watch the
bat.

Resign the Duke presidency.

And nominate Admirella as your
successor.

Come on over, baby. Whole lot of shit
going on. I won't. Then let's go now.

Jake, baby, Jake. I nominate Ed Morella.
Jake, baby, Jake. As temporary

president. Jake, don't you let it break.

Temporary? Yeah, Jake. Yeah, temporary.

Well, come on.

Stop. Stop. Stop.

I'm not permanent.

Since we did not finish the anthem, the
Vampire Empire's membership is rejected.

Get out.

And let's grant admission to the pirate
planet.

Now raise your hands in proud salute.
The Republic of Pirates is

our home.

And keep them there.

I don't understand.

The piano imploded, but the Jim Julian
didn't go critical.

We stole the real jewels.

I mean, we're pirates for Pete's sake.
That be cubic zirconium.

Oh. It's only slightly explosive.