Original subtitles

What?

The following futuristic science fiction program contains scenes of 17th century

pirates, also vampires.

Viewer discretion is advised.

It truly is a grand piano, Madam Glab. Yes, it is the dupe's gift to the

vampire empire, and all I ask is for your world to join our alliance.

Perhaps. But how am I to transport it to my planet?

That Brannigan at your service, your highness.

My crew is ready to die to get it safely to your homeworld.

No crew, Brannigan.

Well, who's gonna die?

This is a top-secret diplomatic mission. So to handle the delivery, I've hired

two civilian know-nothings we'll never see again.

Hello! Are you quite sure that the piano is fully operational?

I thought you'd never ask!

What? Careful, ma'am.

Rachmaninoff's a hot-button issue for Bender.

This piano is extremely fragile, and it's strong to a tension of 2,000

megasproings. One wrong chord, and it could explode.

Wrong chord?

You insult me, Madam President.

Wrong chord. Stupid President. Never gets to explode anything.

To an alliance that will last a lifetime.

Or longer.

Marella, why is Glab sucking up to the vampire empire?

They're a bloodthirsty dictatorship.

Indeed. And this is supposedly the democratic order of planets.

Oh, so that's what dupe stands for.

Glab's final term as president is about to end. Is this really how she wants to

be remembered?

As the leader who secured a valuable ally for the dupe? Yes.

Trust me, there are considerations at the highest level. Then why haven't I

heard about it? You're one level below that.

Two if you keep asking questions.

Devil, if that thing explodes, Kip will be mopping you off the walls for hours.

And you never really get it all out.

Man, this piano must be worth its weight in these gems it's made of. I can't

believe no one but me is trying to steal it.

Incoming ship.

Ah, there we go. Sir, it's a vessel in hot pursuit. My favorite pursuit

temperature. Perhaps it's a sexy sea alien.

They've opened fire.

Could it be friendly fire? Perhaps intimately friendly.

I guess not. Return friendly fire.

Do you control the missiles on this ship?

I know that.

I just said it out loud so they can quote it in my eventual metal citation

next.

Fry has fallen, and he can't get up. Oh, never mind. He's up.

Fry, are you all right?

No. Zav's ship is under attack, and I need you to come pick me up.

Zav's ship?

That's Kif's ship.

Hurry. I'll be waiting out front with my lunchbox.

We've got to save Kif. And Fry.

And Bender, too, I guess, if there's time.

To the ship.

They're not here either.

Well, we've searched the entire infinity of space twice.

Well, let's go home and start pricing coffin-less funerals.

Wait! There's something up ahead!

That's not something. It's just a creepy old wreck.

Then what's Fry's Lunchbox doing here?

What? He's not eating it.

There might be splinters of unthinkable size in there. So we'll enter in order

of expendability.

First Zoidberg, then everyone else.

Hooray! I'm red-shirting with friends!

This turtle soup is still warm.

Whoever was on this ship was just about to eat dinner.

When something horrible happened.

And on an empty stomach.

I won't let us meet that fate.

The scorecard stops right in the middle of the fifth frame.

Something horrible must have happened. Just as they were about to pick up the

spare.

The officer.

Disco. They must have been just about to do the hustle when something horrible

happened. Something even more horrible than the hustle?

Adventure buddies.

I found something strange behind the DJ station.

It might be a clue.

Zap, what are you doing here?

And where's Kiss?

And Fry.

And Bender at this time.

Hey, they took my ship. Marooned me here like a space-age Gilligan.

Who? Who marooned you? you. Space pirates.

Space pirates? You know, pirates, but in space.

They've hoisted the black flag. That means they'll treat us honorably if we

surrender. I didn't crawl under this desk to surrender.

Hoist the flag that means no.

We only have one flag.

Hoist it.

Why are humans so scared of their own skulls?

Long John Long Johns, duly elected governor of the Pirate Republic, at your

service. Ye hen-hearted numbskulls, surrender your treasure.

Brannigan never surrenders. The Battle of Coward's Cove? Brannigan rarely

surrenders. Besides, we have no treasure.

What's that the robot's stealing?

Uh, what? This fabulous gem-encrusted piano?

It's worthless.

Deliver the piano, ye pants-pooping bilge puppies.

Or face our wrath.

Ready your wrath.

Just give it to them, sir. It's not worth losing our lives over a piano. You

clearly overestimate the value of your life.

No piano.

It's no use. We're out of ammo. Then we'll ram them. No point in having a ram

if we're not going to use it.

What do you think he's going to do with that ram?

Damage report. We're going down.

Or up, maybe.

Finally, I can deduct that ram as a business expense.

It's still alive.

They must have mastered the fine art of jump to the side.

Raise shields.

Sir, their ship is taking on vacuum. Space law requires us to save them.

Space laws were made to be space broken.

Raise the shields, Croker. That's a space order.

Your ship is ours.

What the H-E double hell is going on, Gif? Didn't you raise the shields?

I thought I did.

I've never been good with buttons.

Step away from your digital control interface, you rat-infested pool boys.

Wow, you're really good at cursing. Tis why I became a pirate, you sponge

-munching vacuum bag.

You will tell your children of the day you were taken prisoner by the infamous

Don Electro.

The terror of the Spanish mains? You honor me. I will return the compliment

if you ever achieve anything.

Ow! Bird feet!

My name's Buddy, because I'm your new buddy.

You're really annoying.

Why don't I start repeating everything you say?

Everything I say? Everything I say?

You're really annoying.

Well, we hereby surrender.

Brannigan knows when he's been beat, because it happens a lot.

Thus, the pirates have scooted with the piano and your compatriots and left me

here with nothing but a lifetime supply of food and entertainment.

I don't understand. How did they get past your shields?

Treason! By that slimy, double-dealing salamander, Kip Croker.

Thank you, Mrs. Croker.

You had a little turtle soup on you. But you're wrong about Kip. He would never

betray the dupe.

You may need to soak that.

It's hopeless.

We have no idea where the pirates took Fry, Kif, and Bender if there's time.

Hold your hopeless horses.

The crystals on that piano are pure gem-julium. They'll have left a faint

trail of radiation.

We can follow it if we act quickly before... Stop this shit, Leela.

You can follow that trail to your friends later.

But first, we're going to follow it to my ship.

Our friends are on your ship.

I said later.

Full speed ahead.

Someone buckle me in my car seat.

We must be getting close to the pirate homeworld. Space is thick with armhooks

and parrot guano.

Okay, everybody ready? We'll go lights out and make them by surprise.

Surprise!

Surprise!

State your names on businesses.

Okay, um, I am Tarangalila, uh, pirate queen of the bad

ship. Planet Express ship.

A name that strikes indifference in our hearts.

And my merciless crew.

Uh, Merciless Amy Wong.

Arr! That's a pirate thing, right?

It be a bit old-fashioned, but aye.

Legally Blind Farnsworth. Red Shell.

The Butcher of Jamaica.

Hey. And, uh... Slap Sparrow.

Ugh. We come to join your buccaneer band.

We don't admit just any ship that sails into our hidden harbor. We'll decide

according to the pirate code, which calls for a free and democratic vote.

All in favor?

Aye. All opposed?

Nay.

Petition denied.

You're to be hung from the yardarm at dawn.

Is there no alternative?

Sure. Where do you want to be hung from?

Don't ask us to move on, Dawn, though. The morrow's pretty busy.

Things'd be different if you'd have brought us some loot.

Loot? Aye, old booty. We also accept swag, plunder, and treasure.

We maintain a diversified portfolio as a hedge against market downturns.

I've got a Starbucks gift card.

What balance be it loaded with?

$500,000.

A hearty Freebooter welcome to our newest citizens, Captain Leela and her

somewhat motley crew.

With this bounteous gift card and our share of the piano jewels, twill be our

finest fiscal quarter yet!

You pirates are surprisingly bureaucratic. Aye, we're a rowdy social

democracy with no law but our written constitution and various regulatory

mechanisms. Our halls run red with tape.

You're a fine-looking man, Farnsworth. Of course, I have but the one good eye,

so you might be hideous.

I only wish I could see how hideous you are, Bonnie Bonnie.

Here, turn me eye patch.

That can't possibly help.

Good Lord, I can see perfectly.

So can I.

Apparently, I ne'er really had no vision problem.

This is a pretty good party. I guess we can look for Fry later.

Mila? Is that someone imitating you?

Fry! He's part of our crew.

Release him.

He's not locked.

I know, but I felt like you didn't want me to leave.

Hi, Leela. How's the boot rash?

Better. I've been using a new antibiotic.

What's with the bird?

I'm Buddy, Fry's new best friend.

He told me all about you. All about you. All about you. Is Kiff in there?

Oh, no.

Nothing but vermin.

Yeah, nice to see you too.

I don't understand.

Where's Kip?

Where's Kip? Where's Kip? Captain Long John's took him away when we got here.

I knew it. Croker and the pirate are in cahoots. What a pair of cahooters.

Kip's no traitor.

He's so honest, he withholds payroll taxes from our kids' allowance.

We've a long night of carousing ahead of us, so please stand while ye still can

for the national anthem.

That's our red anthem.

Oh, I thought you'd never ask.

Now raise your hands in proud salute.

The Republic of Pirates is our home.

And keep them there while we take your loot. We're a law-abiding democracy, but

we've got no law against piracy. It's considered protected speech, you see,

but you're welcome to try and sue.

There's rights for all, but less for you. We count each vote in our hideaway

home. As elected leader, I can run you through.

Each pirate's equal under law. Each pirate's equal under law. equal of each

macaw. You severed my neck vein with your claw.

Did you get that looked at soon?

We learnt about the drunken rain. In a morally ambiguous island home.

Where twelve is illegal drinking age.

Our government's good, our economy's bad, but we're hated and feared and our

souls are dead. But we each make at least two hundred grand.

So to hell with the living wage.

Hey, what happened to the piano?

And the bench?

Come on. We'll search the fortress from top to bottom.

It's only got one story. It's a ranch-style fortress.

Look.

X marks the spot.

What spot?

I don't know. That spot.

Where the X is. Come on.

It's just a bathroom, but it's really nice.

The toilets are shaped like treasure chests, and they're filled with gold

doubloons.

Leela, you don't think Kif would actually turn traitor, do you?

I don't know. They say every man has his price.

Price? You mean I could get paid for my treachery?

I held up my end of the bargain, Captain. Time to divvy up the loot.

You'll get your cut, ye crafty devil.

One for thee, one for me.

Count by twos. It'll be faster.

Here's your half the plunder. I'll need the pillowcase back afore bedtime.

Hold it right there!

Leela! Amy!

Fry! Bender!

Professor? Zoidberg?

Hermes? Captain?

Oh, Kif. You are a traitor.

How could you? I'm ashamed to call you my best friend. I can explain.

I'll do the explaining.

Hang on.

Okay.

Admirella? You're behind all this? If by all this you mean saving democracy, then

yes, I am. Is that what you mean?

I don't... I don't know what I mean. I'm just so blown away by that chair.

There was no other way to defend the dupe from President Glab.

She intends to engineer a third term and make herself president for life.

Impossible. Dupe law limits her to two terms.

The assembly would never vote to change that.

In case you hadn't noticed, she's been packing the assembly with stooge

dictators on the fly, admitting the vampire empire would give her the tie

-breaking vote.

This is preposterous.

I can prove it.

Then it's not.

I give you the piano, and you join the dupe and give me your vote. Do we have a

deal? Cross my heart and hope to live.

So I brought the pirate and Lieutenant Croker into my confidence.

He's the little green one there. We've met.

Together we staged a raid to steal the piano and foil Glab's plan.

We'd keep half the gems as our fee.

T'was earmarked for the pension and health fund.

My role was to ensure the pirates gained access to the piano. So I opened the

airlock instead of raising the shield.

So it was sabotage. And by the way, I'm not Zap Sparrow. I'm Zap Brannigan.

I don't care even slightly.

The plan worked perfectly.

Kip and I saved the dupe from Glab's corrupt scheme.

Oh, Kiffy. I don't know how I could have doubted you.

I'm sure it took a lot of hard work, dear.

It's just surprising that the Vampire's Vault could be bought with a sub

-liberate grade piano.

That's where you're wrong.

Oh, well, that and some other places.

You see, this piano is on the verge of implosion. The strings are tighter than

Grandma's girdle.

There be terror on the high sea.

Magnet. Furthermore, gem-julium crystals are highly radioactive.

So if the piano were to implode, it would compress them to hypercritical

mass. Uh-huh. Then what?

A nuclear explosion of unthinkable power!

Well, thinkable, but damn big.

My God.

Glab was bribing the vampires with a weapon of mass destruction?

It's worse than I thought. And I already thought it wasn't great.

Carnivulon, on the motion to suspend the term limit law and elect me to a

lifetime reign, how do you vote?

That would be lovely, yes.

Then it's tied.

Vampire Empire, you have the deciding vote.

I am not sure, Madam President. It is so hard to make up one's mind with no

piano.

Hello.

Oh.

There, for some reason, is your piano.

Now vote yes.

Not so fast, Madam President.

Under dupe law, remember that, the vampires are not voting members until

their anthem has been played.

Ugh, fine.

Play the dance song.

I thought you'd never ask.

Please rise for the Vampire National Anthem.

Oh, no. Your national anthem is a whole lot of shaking going on.

What? Even vampires like a good sock-up?

Come on over, baby. Whole lot of shit going on.

Play gently.

That's as gently as you can play it. Come on over, baby. Baby, you can't go

wrong. This is your doing. Make him stop.

I ain't faking. Not till you resign the presidency.

Nigga. Now let's get real low on time.

Shake. What do you want? Money?

Drugs? Piano lessons?

All you got to do is stand and watch the bat.

Resign the Duke presidency.

And nominate Admirella as your successor.

Come on over, baby. Whole lot of shit going on. I won't. Then let's go now.

Jake, baby, Jake. I nominate Ed Morella. Jake, baby, Jake. As temporary

president. Jake, don't you let it break.

Temporary? Yeah, Jake. Yeah, temporary.

Well, come on.

Stop. Stop. Stop.

I'm not permanent.

Since we did not finish the anthem, the Vampire Empire's membership is rejected.

Get out.

And let's grant admission to the pirate planet.

Now raise your hands in proud salute. The Republic of Pirates is

our home.

And keep them there.

I don't understand.

The piano imploded, but the Jim Julian didn't go critical.

We stole the real jewels.

I mean, we're pirates for Pete's sake. That be cubic zirconium.

Oh. It's only slightly explosive.