Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Leonard Maltin.

You know, many consider the "Island of Dr. Mystico"...

...one of the most pointless Freakazoid! Adventures ever made.

Interestingly, critics first loved the episode...

...but that all changed when they found out it wasn't European.

However, today's episode does contain some interesting performances.

See if you can't spot Emit Nervend...

...in a walk-on role as a salty dance hall chanteuse.

Also...

[ORANGU-MAN GROWLING]

No. For the love of humanity. Ah!

[NARRATOR READS ON-SCREEN TEXT]

Recapping our top story. At this very moment, the city's top villains...

...are being transported by Freakazoid to the remote country of France, Europe...

...where it's hoped they will never bother anyone again.

At the risk of editorializing...

...I think I speak for all my fellow citizens when I say:

Good riddance, you thieving jackals bred from the bowels of heck.

FREAKAZOID: Whee!

I'm flying a plane, I'm flying a plane!

Boy, being a pilot's really neat-o.

You're doing real good, ki... Plane.

- Thanks. - That was quite a jolt, Freak.

- Everything okay? - Yeah, sorry, Steff. The prisoners all right?

Let me and Professor Jones worry about the prisoners.

You fly-boys keep your mind on those fancy gadgets.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Blimp.

That was quite a jolt.

So how much longer until we get to France and unload these creeps, kid?

Well, if my instruments are correct...

...and calculating a tail wind of 65.9 knots...

...a smooch longer.

JONES: Ah!

Sounds like Professor Jones needs me.

Happy flying.

Brando.

No, no, no. Orange juice. I want orange juice.

Oh, I'm so sorry, l...

Hey, jerk face. This ain't no chicken. I wants chicken.

Chicken, yes, chicken. I'Il...

- These peanuts are stale. - Ah!

[VILLAINS SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

Hey, leave Professor Jones alone.

He's doing the best he can.

Come on, Jonesy.

[JONES SOBBING]

JONES: Oh, dear.

[ALL LAUGHING]

- Ah! What was that? - Just a little turbulence, Lobe. Relax.

How can I relax when we're 30,000 feet in the air with that...

That buffoon at the controls?

FREAKAZOID [ON PA]: Good afternoon to you, ladies and gentlemen.

This is your captain, Freakazoid, speaking.

I'd like to take this opportunity to welcome you aboard Prison Air.

We realize you've got a lot of choices out there...

...so a big thank-a-roony for choosing us.

I'd like to point out some of the scenic...

- Plane. JONES: Ah!

FREAKAZOID: I'd also like to point out some of the scenic landmarks along our route.

To our right is the right wing.

ALL: Ooh.

And out the left is something very special.

- Where? I don't see anything. - Booga, booga, booga!

Ah!

Hey, Cosgrove. Take over while I go to the little captain's room, okay?

ALL [SINGING]: Oh, I went down South For to see my Sal

Singing Polly wolly doodle all the day

[ALL MUMBLING]

Singing Polly wolly doodle all the day

Fair thee well, fair thee well

Ah!

[ALL SCREAMING]

Ah!

What's wrong?

I just remembered. I don't know how to fly.

[GRUNTING]

[BOTH SIGH]

That was quite a jolt, Freak.

MYSTICO: Well, well...

...it seems someone's stumbled into our Ionely neck of the woods.

Let's see if I can't convince them to stay a while, eh, Sparkle?

[MEOWS]

- What the...? - Freakazoid, what's wrong?

Can't see anything. Sun in eyes. Must talk like this.

[JONES SCREAMING]

I can't see the controls. The light's blinding me.

CAVE GUY: This is the last time I fly this airline.

[DING]

[DING]

[ALL SCREAMING]

Sweet muffins, help me.

I can't fit this infernal thing over my immense head.

Freakazoid, I'm scared.

Yeah, me too. I'm scared too.

Wait a minute. What's that big blue thing?

What? I don't see anything.

There. That big blue thing.

ALL: Ocean!

STEFF: That was quite a jolt, Freak.

[ALL GRUNTING]

FREAKAZOID: A little more.

[ALL PANTING]

Listen up, villains.

As long as we're stranded here...

...I'm going to unlock your leg manacles.

Anyone who tries to make a break for it's gonna be in big trouble. Got it?

VILLAINS: Mm-hm.

Whoo-hoo! Yee-ha! I'm free.

So long, losers.

[GROWLING]

What in tarnation...? Get your hands off... Ah!

JONES: Don't leave me.

Longhorn's nose ring.

NARRATOR: But where's Longhorn?

Phew. All right, everyone, listen up.

Come on, guys, listen up.

No, you're ruining it.

Freakazoid said listen up.

Here's the plan.

Steff, you and Cobra Queen work on that plane.

Cosgrove and I will take Lobe and Cave Guy into the jungle.

To figure out who or what took Longhorn.

Wait a minute. Why does Freakazoid get to make the plan?

Because it's his show.

I've got a huge brain. I could make up a marvelous plan.

You want a time-out?

No.

All right. Let's move them out.

CANDLE JACK: Excuse me, Freakazoid. Is there anything I should do?

Hm. Why don't you stay here and scare the professor.

CANDLE JACK: Marvelous.

JONES: Ah!

MYSTICO: Look, Sparkle. What fascinating specimens they are.

They should make invaluable additions to my experiments.

[MEOWS]

By following Longhorn's footprints...

...we might be able to find out what happened.

Duh. Like, that's not so obvious.

But Freakazoid's our leader, so I guess he must be a really brilliant supergenius.

- I guess he's just the smartest per... - All right, that's it.

One more word out of you and you're grounded.

Says who?

Says me, you big brain head.

My, aren't we the clever one?

CAVE GUY: Ah! No. No.

Unhand me, you hairy apes.

Cave Guy.

Just like Longhorn.

See, kids? That's what happens when you don't use the buddy system.

COSGRO VE: The buddy system has gone on to safeguard the lives...

...of millions throughout the world.

Just grab the hand of the person next to you.

It's the smart and enjoyable way to watch out for others...

...while they watch out for you. So...

ALL: Buddy up for safety.

JONES: Leave me alone.

Help! Help! Ah!

[JONES SCREAMING]

So you and Freakazoid gonna get married?

We're kind of just dating right now.

If you don't mind my asking, why are you with him?

He's so stupid.

He only acts that way for TV.

When the camera's off, he's really kind of normal.

I didn't have many dates when I was your age.

Oh, I don't believe that. You're beautiful.

It's true. I had skin problems.

Pimples, huh?

No, shedding.

Wonder how the boys are doing?

You were supposed to hold Cosgrove's hand.

That's the whole point of the buddy system.

I know, but it was all sweaty and damp and such.

We're not going anywhere until we find Cosgrove.

I'm gonna backtrack a little. You wait here.

I hate this episode.

FREAKAZOID: Help! Help!

Oh, sweet music. Could it be?

[GRUNTING]

Pull me out of the quicksand. Hurry.

LOBE: With Freakazoid out of the way, they might make me the star of the show.

But do I really want that pressure?

MAN: Welcome to Morality and You.

And now, here to discuss The Lobe's moral quandary is Dr. Henry Kissinger.

Dr. Kissinger, what are we to make of the ethical dilemma facing The Lobe?

[MUMBLING]

[ORANGU-MAN GROWLING]

KISSINGER: Help me. Help me.

Lobe, please.

[GURGLING]

[COUGHING]

Come, Fatima. Bring him here.

[FREAKAZOID GRUNTING]

Who are you? What have you done to the others?

There'll be time for questions later.

No, there won't. The show's over in 10 minutes.

Well, if you hadn't wasted all that time in the plane, I'd...

You will all be my guests for dinner.

I trust you're hungry. I've made a casserole.

Akbar. Ringo. Fatima.

To the house, schnell.

I'm sorry if my method of introduction seemed a trifle ungracious.

I have to be careful of those trying to spy on my work.

[GASPS]

There's nothing to be afraid of, Mr. Lobe.

I assure you the Orangu-Men are perfectly harmless.

Unless I bid them otherwise.

Orangu-Men?

Yes.

By combining the orangutans indigenous to this island with humans...

...I've been able to create a new species of primate.

More powerful than any on Earth.

They called me mad...

...insane...

...Wendel.

They barred me from the universities until I had no choice...

...but to flee here and conduct my research.

Well, who's crazy now?

Who's mad now?

Try the casserole, Freakazoid, before it gets cold.

I saw that.

- What? - That.

You think I've got a clock in my head, don't you?

ALL: Whoo.

What have you done with Longhorn and Cave Guy?

Have patience. You'll be joining them soon enough.

[LAUGHING]

Sorry, I just thought of something funny.

Gentlemen, a toast to my charming company.

Drink.

Delicious, isn't it?

You can barely taste the drug at all.

You can pass out now, Inspector Cosgrove.

Prepare the operating room.

It's time...

...to play.

COSGRO VE: Freakazoid.

Freakazoid. How you feeling, kid?

Hi. I'm Leonard Maltin.

[KISSINGER MUMBLING]

[GRO ANING]

Them little small drinks kick like a mule, don't they, son?

Where are we?

Dr. Mystico's lab.

Near as we can reckon...

...he's planning on combining us with them varmints across the way...

...and fashioning himself a bunch more of them...

...Orangu-Men.

MYSTICO: Brilliantly deduced.

Using the likes of Freakazoid, Cave Guy, The Lobe...

...Leonard Maltin...

...there'll be no stopping me.

[THUNDER CRACKING]

I'll build a private army of super-apes and take over Cleveland.

Don't you mean the world?

I meant the world, yes.

What did I say?

Cleveland?

I always do that.

Whoo.

Now...

...who wants to go first?

ALL: He does.

[MEOWS]

Why didn't you do that before we got down here?

[MEOWS]

I'll deal with you all shortly.

Sparkle has to tinky.

This reminds me of a movie.

[GRUNTING]

CAVE GUY: It's no use, old boy.

We've tried. It's molecular bamboo.

Well, we can't just sit here. We've gotta do something.

When they make me an Orangu-Man...

...I hope they don't put me in a tutu. I'd hate that.

Gotta think. Gotta think.

Cave Guy, still got your cell phone?

- Of course. - Give it to me.

COSGRO VE: Who you calling, kid?

Greg, our new production assistant on the show. He's good.

Greg, it's Freakazoid.

I'll call her back. Look, we're trapped on some island.

There's a key that opens the cell.

Don't know what it looks like, where it is.

Find it and bring it to us. Got it?

- Now what? - We wait.

Hi, Freakazoid. Sorry it took so long.

Here's the key. I thought you guys might like some coffee too.

Here's everyone's messages.

Cave Guy, your accountant called. I told him go ahead and roll over your CD.

Good man.

Can I go to lunch now?

Yeah, thanks.

ALL [SINGING]: Carefully on tiptoe stealing

Breathing gently as we may

Every step with caution feeling

We will softly sneak away

[CAT MEOWS]

Goodness me

Why what was that?

Silent be

It's that darn cat

It was, it was that cat

MYSTICO [SINGING]: That's right

It was my cat

Get them.

[GROWLING]

ALL: Ah!

[KISSINGER MUMBLING]

ALL: Ah!

[GROWLING]

Stop!

What are we doing?

I'm a superhero.

Cave Guy, Longhorn, you've got the strength of 20 men.

Lobe, you're as evil as they get.

Leonard, you know every movie ever made.

Are we gonna let a few apes scare us?

- I say we fight. - Hoorah!

[GROWLING]

ALL: Ah!

JONES: No, go away. Leave me alone. CANDLE JACK: Come here. Come back.

I'll get you.

FREAKAZOID'S GROUP: Ah!

Everyone in. Let's go, go, go.

Where'd that runway come from?

- Do you know some guy named Greg? - All right, Greg.

[PANTING]

Ah!

[GROWLING]

That was quite a jolt, Freak.

- That was quite a jolt, Freak. FREAKAZOID: All right, we got it.

[GROWLING]

[LONGHORN SNORING]

Hey, kid. Who's flying the plane?

Don't worry.

MAN [ON RADIO]: This is French Air control.

Come in, Prison Air, over.

[MUMBLING]

MAN: I can't understand you.

[KISSINGER MUMBLING]

What?

[KISSINGER MUMBLING]

MAN: What are you saying?

[KISSINGER MUMBLING]

That was quite a jolt, Freak.

[ENGLISH SDH]