Original subtitles

NARRATOR: His name was Waylon Jeepers.

He was an odd little man, interested in things cryptic and mystical.

He had been forced to leave Venice Beach, California, for being too strange.

That should tell you something.

For years, he'd been trying to construct a dangerous timepiece...

...known as the Medusa Watch:

A watch with the power to turn living matter into stone.

There had been many failures.

One watch succeeded in transforming beavers into gold.

But there was a limited call for such things.

Still, Jeepers was obsessed on harnessing the evil energy of the ancient Gorgons.

[THUNDER CRACKING]

[JEEPERS LAUGHING]

And late one night, he succeeded.

[LAUGHING]

[GASPS]

Now I shall test my Medusa Watch on that chubby pigeon.

Ah.

The power of the Gorgons is finally mine.

[LAUGHING]

Uh-oh.

- Give me that thing, you nut. - Mine. Mine. Give. Mine.

Will you stop it?

First, it was gold beavers, now it's stone pigeons!

Why don't you get a regular job?

[SOBBING]

Return my watch, and I'll give you a jar of nickels.

Sure. Wait, no. Forget it. I'm keeping this until you show me...

...you're responsible enough to have a strange and mystical watch.

Bye.

Freakazoid will pay. Oh, is he going to get it.

I'm very passive-aggressive.

[LAUGHING]

NARRATOR: And while Jeepers plotted his revenge...

...Freakazoid and Cosgrove enjoyed a quiet afternoon at Jelly Land.

You see how they used some kind of grape preserve to make Half Dome?

- What about the waterfall? - That's a rare kind of albino jelly.

Wow. I'm starting to get a newfound respect for jams and preserves of all kinds.

Kid, that's what Jelly Land is all about.

Look what I got: Jeepers' new watch. It turns pigeons into stone.

Take my advice, watch out for Jeepers.

- Because he's into magic and stuff? - No.

Because he's a big nut.

NARRATOR: Later that day, Jeepers went to the Sorcery Barn...

...a wholesale black-magic outlet.

And there he bought a sinister book:

How to Summon Monsters the E-Z Way.

"And finally, I would like to thank my wife, Judith...

...and our two children, Dakota and Rubin, whose patience and good cheer..."

What a boring author's acknowledgment.

Forces of darkness near and far

Bring forth the unspeakable most bizarre

[POUNDING]

WOMAN: Hey. Knock it off, you nut.

I have my rights too. I'm summoning a monster, you harpy.

WOMAN: Big deal. Like I care.

JEEPERS: Lousy book.

[GASPS]

I am Vorn the Unspeakable.

I have destroyed thousands at the bidding of those who summon me.

- And you are...? - I'm Jeepers. This is so dandy.

Must you do all my bidding?

Your enemies are now mine.

I will mash them into pulp.

Very well, Vorn.

Let's go meet my favorite enemy, Freakazoid.

[LAUGHING]

WOMAN: Who's Vorn? Another one of your deadbeat friends?

Maybe we'll stop upstairs first.

After Jelly Land, we went over to see the statue of Aldo Ray.

Sounds like a typical Freak-Cosgrove kind of day.

COSGRO VE [ON RADIO]: Hey, Freakazoid, this is Mobile Unit 6, Cosgrove.

How's it going?

We got a report of some trouble from one of Jeepers' neighbors.

I'll meet you there in a quickly way.

It was awful, awful. Just awful!

FREAKAZOID: Could you be more specific?

It was like having to watch Waterworld for a month.

[BOTH GASP]

- Anything else? - Ah!

That should be enough to go on.

[JEEPERS LAUGHING]

Ah!

I am Vorn the Unspeakable.

I am the enemy of the enemy of he who summons me.

- And you are...? - I am Freakazoid, the chatty one.

Maybe we should get out of here.

Old Squid Face doesn't scare me. I've handled worse.

Eek! Why did I spit on my own hands? Ew!

Destroy him.

Way to go, Freakazoid.

[VORN GROWLING]

Hi there, Squid Face. Back for more?

[FREAKAZOID GRUNTING]

My watch.

Wait.

Don't worry, Steff. That watch only works on pigeons.

What if it doesn't?

Isn't this a honey of a watch?

[POLICE SIREN WAILING]

Let's go, Vorn, my new chum.

Steff.

[SOBBING]

Kid, I know words don't mean much at a time like this...

...but you could sell Steff to the park district and make a lot of money.

Sorry, pal. That came out all wrong.

Change. Change back. Stop being a statue.

[LAUGHING]

- Nut bunnies. Nothing works. - Tough break.

Have you tried sprinkling her with fairy dust?

- What would that do? - I'm not sure.

- How come you never say anything helpful? - How come you have the IQ of a biscuit?

How would you like me to twist your body into funny balloon-animal shapes?

Perhaps I misspoke.

Wait. I think I know who can help. Good for me.

Cosgrove, do you see any monsters?

- Yeah. There's one. - Ah!

- Where? Where? - Just kidding.

I loathe you.

What you have told me is horrible.

I have not seen you this upset...

...since they closed the boat rides at Disneyland.

- Why? Oh, why? - Courage, my friend. Ja?

Ja.

HEINEY: This is the only known photograph of Vorn the Unspeakable.

He was arrested in Miami in 1989 for attempting to eat a police officer.

I don't care about him. I wanna nail Jeepers.

I want Steff back to normal.

I have computed that there is a high probability...

...that Vorn and Jeepers are still together.

And since we know very little about Jeepers...

...we must first locate Vorn.

- There's another one. - Ah!

Where?

Will you stop it?

Four-thousand, five-hundred and eighty-one known accomplices?

That's a lot. And they're all spooky monsters. Eck!

Well, Vorn is more comfortable around monsters.

- But you will find him in no time. - But what about Steff?

Jeepers has bewitched her with a Medusa Watch.

You must get ahold of his watch, open the back...

...switch the dial to "return," and Steff will be as good as new.

How do you know that?

I had one when I was a kid. It's a long story.

NARRATOR: So Freakazoid set off to interview monsters...

...hoping for a lead that would take him to Vorn the Unspeakable...

...who'd bring him to Jeepers, who had a watch that turned Steff into stone...

...and they all lived together in the house that Jack built. Blah, blah, blah.

- What's the next place? - I can't pronounce it.

- Well, what country is it in? - "Rumania."

Rumania.

And we are going to Transylvania.

- I'm literate. I should be sitting up there. - You can't.

It's my job to read all the names.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

MAN: Cops. I should have known. You can never leave a guy alone.

Nice castle of the undead you got here. Mind if we come in?

- What do you want? - You know this guy?

Sure. Vorn the Unspeakable. Nice guy.

A little insecure. I haven't seen him around. Is that what you want to know?

We ask the questions here.

- You seen him around? - No.

- You seen him around? - No. Stop bugging me.

I thought that went pretty smooth.

[WOLVES HOWLING]

Oh, dear. This is so dreadful. Some horrid beast will surely get me.

This is all your fault, young lady.

WOLFMAN: Uh-uh.

Thanks anyway.

Oh, could you do me a favor?

Hm?

Go up to that car and tap on the glass.

[TAPPING ON GLASS]

JONES: Ah!

I'll get you for this, Cosgrove.

[SNEEZES]

Great.

FREAKAZOID: Bye-bye. Thanks for nothing.

All this travel is making me urpy.

We've been at this forever. It will never end.

We're lost in spa... Never mind.

Steff, I'm real sorry you got turned into a statue.

I was a dumb-head.

But I'll make it up to you. One day, we'll go to Jelly Land together.

That's a promise.

Hey, kid, I'm sorry to bother you, but I got a question.

It's time for me to take charge. Be right over there to you!

Ask away. I'm ready as a large goose.

What if Jeepers and Vorn have split up?

What did you say, again?

Let's concentrate on finding Jeepers like we should've been doing all along.

- Yeah. Let's check all his hangouts. - That's just it.

We don't know anything about Jeepers, except he's from Venice Beach, California.

Ooh! Could it be that simple?

Have we overlooked the obvious? Probably.

[GRUNTING]

A couple of weirdos like Jeepers and Vorn should be pretty easy to spot around here.

I don't think so.

[BURPS]

Good point. Am I overdressed?

[JEEPERS LAUGHING]

JONES: Freakazoid, Cosgrove, wait.

Oh, Fibber McGee.

Why do I have to push Steff around?

Me with my back so delicate.

Wow, man. Cool.

Ah! A cannibal.

Chill, man. Did you sculpt this yourself? The detail is, like, awesome.

Yes. I'd hate to sell her...

...but, you see, I've suffered unexpected reverses...

...and I'm willing to entertain all reasonable offers.

Buy me an espresso. Do you have any cash on you?

[SINGING] Hey, man

Oh, man

Hey, man

Hey, man

Oh, man

Hey, man

I hate you all

Give me money

Hey, man

Oh, man

CROWD: Yay.

Hey, good-Iooking. Spare change?

VORN: Thank you.

Ah!

[LAUGHING]

NARRATOR: Oh, no, a trap. A terrible trap. What will happen next? Ah!

Is there no escape? Can they ever...? Ahem.

Sorry.

Now I will make you both into statues...

...and put you near a car wash.

[LAUGHING]

Wait a second. So Vorn gets stiffed?

VORN: How so?

Jeepers won't let you destroy us. Sounds like he doesn't trust you, pal.

Freakazoid, why don't you just butt out?

VORN: Why don't you trust me, Jeepers?

[SNARLING]

- Thanks a lot, you bigmouth. - Fair's fair, Jeepers.

Vorn, I respect your work very much.

But let's do this my way, okay?

VORN: I want to eat them.

- No. - What if I eat you?

I would resent that.

Here. What if you eat one, and I'll turn the other into a statue?

VORN: Oh, I don't know.

Okay, I guess.

- You sure? - Yeah.

Having a monster isn't what it's cracked up to be.

[SNARLING]

Ah!

[JEEPERS MUMBLING]

- Hey, you. - I am Vorn the Unspeakable.

The skulls of those who defy me bleach in the suns of a hundred worlds.

- And you are...? - Cosgrove.

- And if you move, I'll pop you in the lip. - Oh?

BOD YBUILDER: Ah!

[VORN GROWLING]

Ah!

[GRUNTING]

[VORN SCREAMING]

Fine. I'll take care of you, Mr. Police Sergeant.

Mine. Mine. Give. Mine.

Cosgrove.

[POUNDING & GRUNTING]

You kids might wanna go grab some milk or an orange right now.

FREAKAZOID: All done.

Take care of these guys. I gotta go find Jonesy and Steff.

Good luck, kid.

JONES: You won't throw in matching beach pants?

What rubbish. I'm taking my business elsewhere.

Ah!

- You startled me. - Jonesy, where's Steff?

Isn't she with you? After all, she's your girlfriend.

You have a nanosecond to tell me. Oops. Time's up.

There's no sense dithering.

I sold her.

Let go! Oh, this is most undignified.

I'm sorry. There. There. Are you happy?

FREAKAZOID: I hope this works.

Otherwise, I'm gonna throw a big, hissy tantrum all over the beach.

Steady, kid.

- I've set the Medusa Watch to "return." - Check.

You tugged on my ear.

Here goes.

[MO ANING]

- Freakazoid? - Steff!

Aw.

I'm sorry, Steff.

I'll never let anyone with a strange and mystical watch...

...turn you into a statue again.

You're so sweet. Is this Venice Beach, California?

We should buy sunglasses.

NARRATOR: And so Freakazoid and his friends shopped for neat sunglasses.

In time, Jeepers and Vorn tried to start their own mob.

VORN: And laying waste to their lands.

- And you are...? - Ah!

How are we supposed to recruit a mob when you scare everyone off?

You're the one who scares them off with your loony giggling.

At least I don't have an octopus growing out of my face.

At least I don't build stupid magic watches.

- Now you've wounded me. - I'm sorry.

NARRATOR: As for Jeepers' strange and mystical watch...

...I know where it is, but I'm not telling.

That's our show. We leave you with an image of terror.

[ENGLISH SDH]