Original subtitles

ANNOUNCER: The following episode of Freakazoid!

...is dedicated to anyone who's ever fallen in love.

This episode is also dedicated to the men and women of Columbia University...

...whose tireless efforts to create a race of super beings continues undaunted.

This episode is also dedicated...

...to Mrs. Ashley Huggbees of Fullers Earth, Arizona...

...because we like saying the word Huggbees.

Go ahead, try it. Huggbees.

ALL: Huggbees.

Huggbees.

Huggbees.

Moose.

ANNOUNCER: And now, our show.

[PANTING]

[FREAKAZOID YELLING]

- Huggbees. ALL: Huggbees.

Uh-uh-uh.

[SIRENS WAILING]

Get him out of here.

Good job, kid. See you around.

[ENGINES START]

"See you around"?

So, like, what, that's it? We're not gonna go do something?

Can't today, kid.

But that's like the fifth time this week.

I know, I'm sorry.

It's just that I gotta take care of some...

...big guy stuff.

See you.

[BLOWS THEN SNIFFS]

Huh?

[TIRES SQUEAL, CRASH]

Two tickets to the guy who hits stuff with a mallet.

Me and you. What do you say?

Kid, I told you, I can't.

But you love Gulliver.

Look.

How many ways I gotta slice this for you?

I can't.

Now l... I really gotta go.

FREAKAZOID: Go ahead, Mike. Say it. - I don't want to, Mr. F.

Come on, Mike.

Please.

Huggbees.

ALL: Huggbees.

[LAUGHS]

I love that.

[LAUGHS THEN SOBS]

Oh, Mike, Mike, Mike.

What do you do when your best friend shows you the highway?

Look, Mr. F...

...I'm sure Cosgrove's still your buddy.

He's just busy, that's all.

Too busy for the guy who hits stuff with a mallet, Mike?

For Gulliver?

I think not.

I saw this once on an after-school special.

Mary and Sally. Best friends.

They did absolutely everything together.

Then one day...

...Mary fell in with the wrong crowd.

And Mary didn't have time for Sally anymore.

Sally would say, "Wanna go play a game or pretend we're kitties?"

And Mary would say:

"Uh-uh. I'm in with the wrong crowd."

Sally was so sad she ran home...

...climbed up a tree and started eating cookies.

A ton of cookies.

She got huge.

Huge.

Huge.

Huge.

Got any cookies, Mike?

Trust me, Mr. F, this Cosgrove thing will work itself out.

You'll see.

In the meantime, what you gotta do is get yourself some new friends.

Take someone else to Gulliver.

Okay, Mike. Wanna go see Gulliver with me tonight?

I meant someone else.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[GULLIVER SPEAKING IN GIBBERISH]

[GRUNTS]

[SCREAMS]

Freakazoid.

Please take me home at once, do you hear?

I'm frightened.

Come on, Jonesy, just enjoy it.

[SCREAMS]

I gotta use the potty.

No.

Don't leave me here alone, I pray you.

I'll surely perish from fright.

Would you relax?

I'll be right back.

[GULLIVER SPEAKING IN GIBBERISH]

[GULLIVER GRUNTS]

Not the vest.

Freakazoid.

You Neanderthal ninny.

[SQUEAKING]

I've had a lot of juice.

WOMAN: Oh-ho-ho. Oh, Cosgrove. - Huh?

Cosgrove?

[GIGGLING]

MAN: Agarn. Agarn. Agarn.

Agarn. Agarn. Agarn.

Welcome to the Storch Club.

And now, ladies and gentlemen...

...let's mambo.

[SINGING] Move your footsies, shake your fanny

Swing your hips, don't be a granny

Come on, everybody, and mambo

Hey, let the music move your butt Stick it out and do a strut

- That's the only way to mambo TRIO: Mambo

ALL: Huggbees.

So that's why Cosgrove can't pal around with me.

He's got a girlfriend.

And it's Mary Beth, the cosmetics lady.

I wonder why he didn't wanna tell me.

[GIGGLING]

[SINGING] Cosgrove's got a girlfriend

Cosgrove's got a girlfriend

Hey.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I adore you in that hat.

- Stay right here, I'll be right back, okay? - Mm.

Ah!

Oh, madam, I'm so...

[GROWLS]

[IN DEMONIC VOICE] You insolent fool.

I have sent thousands to their doom for much less.

Tell me...

...shall I snap you like a twig?

- Whoa. - Ooh.

[NORMAL VOICE] Let that be a lesson.

[GIBBERING]

FREAKAZOID: I'm telling you, Professor Heiny, this woman's all spooky-like.

HEINY [IN GERMAN ACCENT]: Yes, mein friend.

From everything you've told me...

...her tremendous strength, the glowing big eyes...

...the spooky deep voice...

...we could have a monster on our hands.

Oh, no.

She could be anything.

A werewolf, vampire, zombie lady...

...something.

Oh, a "something." What's that?

No, no. Something.

- Oh. - Tell me...

...did she happen to shoot fire out her nose?

- No, why? - That's usually a good indication.

A normal person walking around can't just make fire shoot out their noses.

But a monster...

Boy, you know your stuff.

It is my business to know monsters, my friend.

They attack here almost every day.

MAN: Professor Heiny.

A monster is attacking.

HEINY: Zoom in.

Hoo-hoo! Hoo-hoo.

It's a big, ugly one.

[GROWLING]

Ready, aim...

...fire.

BOTH: Huggbees.

ALL: Huggbees.

I thought you research them.

No, they're monsters.

What's to research?

We zap them.

Now, my friend, listen to me.

This is very important.

You must get Cosgrove to stay away from this woman.

Then you must confront her...

...and find out if she's a monster. Hmm.

Try tricking her into lighting a candle with her nose.

If she is a monster, I bring her here, right?

Wrong, I got enough monsters.

I don't need more. You're a superhero, you deal with it.

- Got you. ASSISTANT: Professor Heiny.

A monster is attacking.

I have to get back to work.

Let yourself out, and good luck.

HEINY: Fire. Hoo-hoo.

Look at him smoke.

FREAKAZOID: Okay, bye.

Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. You followed us?

I thought you hated me or something.

How come you just didn't tell me you had a girlfriend?

I wanted to tell you, kid, but...

Shoot.

I thought you'd make fun of me. You know:

[SINGING] Cosgrove's got a girlfriend

Cosgrove's got a girlfriend

Ah... Are you kidding?

I wouldn't do that. Shh.

Freakazoid...

...this woman makes me wanna soar like an eagle.

Majestically flying over the Pacific Northwest.

Riding aloft on air pockets of love.

NARRATOR: We interrupt this tender moment...

...to bring you the following exciting, action-packed sequence.

And now, back to the mushy stuff.

COSGRO VE: The wind, flowing around my hat.

FREAKAZOID: Cosgrove!

You've gotta listen to me, there's something seriously wrong with Mary Beth.

- She's a monster. - She likes you.

No, no, no. I mean, she's really a monster.

You gotta stay away from her. She's bad people.

- Get out of here. - I'm not kidding.

No, I mean, get out of here.

Nobody talks that way about Mary Beth.

Not even you, Freakazoid.

Now beat it.

And you know what?

I don't think I want to be your friend no more. Hmp.

Cosgrove, you've gotta believe me.

She's a monster.

MARY BETH: Who is a monster?

Mm. Mm.

Oh, nothing.

Freakazoid and I were just talking about a movie.

So you're Freakazoid.

Cosgrove's told me so many wonderful things about you.

I've wanted to meet you for some time.

But whenever I suggested we all three get together, well...

...you know how embarrassed Chunky Lumpkins here gets...

...with public displays of affection. - Aw.

Cut it out.

I just had a smashing idea.

Why don't the three of us have dinner tonight?

At my factory.

In the executive dining room, 8:00?

[SHUDDERS]

Come, darling.

See you tonight, Freakazoid.

I hope you feel this big.

[COSGRO VE AND MARY BETH LAUGHING]

And the thing of it is...

...this Gilligan character's always ruining any chance the castaways have of rescue.

Ha-ha-ha. It's great fun.

Freakazoid, you barely touched your food.

- Is anything the matter? - No, thank you.

Remember that show with that real live monkey chimpanzee?

Oh, yes, I know the one.

He was, um, uh, uh...

[IN UNISON] A spy.

[COSGRO VE AND MARY BETH LAUGH]

HEINY [IN VOICEO VER]: Try tricking her into lighting a candle with her nose.

Oh, dear, the candle.

Go ahead, light it. Use your nose. Come on.

- Light the little candle with your nose. - All right, Freakazoid, that's enough.

[SIGHS]

What is going on?

This goofball here thinks you're a monster.

Monster?

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHING, SNORTING BETWEEN LAUGHS]

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

You know what's even more funny about that?

I am.

[GROWLS]

[BOTH GASP]

Baah!

[IN DEMONIC VOICE] I hope you enjoyed your meal...

...Freakazoid.

It was your last.

[SINGING] Ten chubby angels with big fat wings

Too heavy to fly, they crash into things

Hey.

Ah. Ha, ha, ha.

All right, Mary Beth.

We've all had a pretty good laugh.

But this is getting kind of creepy.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Oh, dear, sweet...

...slow-to-catch-on Chunky Lumpkins.

Freakazoid was right.

I am a monster.

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, right. Ha!

- Shoot. - I have survived since the dawn of time.

The secret to my immortality can be seen dripping into that vial:

The distilled essence of a superhero.

My fanny hurts, my fanny hurts

My fanny hurts, my fanny hurts

Their enzymes possess remarkable properties which halt the aging process.

Tonight, Freakazoid's essence will sustain me for the next hundred years.

Wait a minute.

You're gonna drink his juices?

How crude. But true.

Sadly, it will leave him a lifeless hulk...

...but here's the best part, my sweet.

I'm going to share some of his essence with you.

You'll be immortal.

We'll live forever together...

[IN DEMONIC VOICE] ...boyfriend and girlfriend.

CHORUS [SINGING]: What will Cosgrove do?

What will Cosgrove do?

- What will Cos...? - Cut it out.

Sorry, Mary Beth.

No dice.

Yeah, I like you. I'm not ashamed to say it.

But that's my buddy in there.

And what you're asking me to do walks on the wrong side of the law. Uh-uh.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Mm!

How very sad.

[GRUNTING]

[SINGING] Birds and bees and buttercups

[GASPS]

It's all right.

Very soon now.

[BOTH GRO ANING]

Kid, you gotta break free.

Come on, you can do it.

Bunnies, bunnies, hopping all around

Come on, kid.

Snap out of it.

I see a light.

[GRUNTING]

Hey, kids.

How are you doing?

Now listen up.

Freakazoid, well, he's in pretty bad shape.

Might not make it.

You're gonna have to help him.

I saw this thing in a movie once and it worked.

Who knows, it might work now.

Now, here's what I want you to do.

Clap.

Clap as loud as you can.

Let him know you're out there.

Let him know you care.

Come on, clap.

[SILENCE]

Come on.

You can do better than that.

[FEW PEOPLE CLEAR THRO ATS, COUGH]

Clap.

COSGRO VE: Clap with all your might.

[APPLAUSE BUILDING]

Come on.

Clap.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Hmm?

That's it.

Keep it up.

Throw in some Huggbees too.

Huggbees. Huggbees.

CROWD [CHANTING]: Huggbees.

Huggbees, Huggbees, Huggbees.

Huggbees, Huggbees, Huggbees.

[GRUNTING]

[YELLS]

No.

[GRUNTS]

[FREAKAZOID SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

[GASPS]

How are you feeling, kiddo?

Yeah?

Well...

...take care of yourself.

Come on, buddy, let's get out of here.

CHORUS [SINGING]: Ooh ooh ooh ooh

Ooh ooh

Monster love

MAN: If the woman who you're dating Lights a candle with her nose

And she tries to drain your liquids From your head down to your toes

Gosh, I hate to tell you, buddy

Gosh, I hate to tell you, pal

But the woman who you're dating Is a monster lady gal

Love can make you blind And love can cloud your head

If you ever date a monster

Love can also make you dead

So heed these words, my friend

And listen to my song

Don't ever date a monster

If you want to live real long

CHORUS: If you want to live real long

Ba ba ba bum

JONES: Freakazoid?

Where are you?

Oh, the pain.

The pain.

[ENGLISH SDH]