Original subtitles

Freakazoid.

All right, Steff, what poor guy you tormenting tonight?

I am...

Ah, ah, ah...

The Booger Beast.

Right. I quit, you win.

Kleenex.

My hero.

Hello? Anybody here?

Hmm...

Good day, I'm H.A. Futterman...

...professor of broadcast standards here at Kids' WB...

...and you've just witnessed Relax-O-Vision.

Relax-O-Vision is a...

Relax-O-Vision is a process...

...that inserts calming, mirthful images into scenes...

...that might be too intense for the kiddos watching at home.

For example, Freakazoid's extremely...

Freakazoid's extremely violent brawl with the demon ninjas...

...was replaced by a soothing scene of fishies...

...as they think their happy, little, pleasant thoughts.

Now, settle back...

Now, settle back and get ready to enjoy the first cartoon...

...ever broadcast in calming, safe, kid-friendly...

...Relax-O-Vision.

Thanks.

Wow! That makes over $200.

Can we please take a break? My lips are numb.

- Mm, okay. - Stay puckered, girls.

Be back in 15 minutes.

Thanks for helping the school raise all this money, Freakazoid.

It's awfully sweet of you.

Just doing my part, Steff.

Look how she fawns over Freakazoid.

She's the perfect bait to lead him to his doom.

Hey, mister, can I have a balloon animal?

Here. Diprotodon optatum.

An extinct, giant, burrowing marsupial once common to ancient Australia.

I wanted a ducky.

There. - Thanks.

Hey, you want a frozen banana?

Okay.

Two.

Greetings, Miss Stephanie.

Huh?

Hey, I know you.

You're that potato-head guy.

No, stay away.

No, no! Aah!

Steff, where are you?

What's all the screaming about?

Oh, now I get it.

"Dear, Freakazoid, if you're still alive to read this, I am holding Stephanush...

Stephanie prisoner at the Smithsonian.

Come get her if you dare. " Hmm...

Hey, Freakazoid, I've got a 2-for-1 coupon for the mud baths.

- You interested? - Am I?

Ahh...

You know that note you got from The Lobe?

It could be a clue about where he's holding Steff.

By golly, Cosgrove, you're right!

Where's my towel?

Ah, no time for that now. I'm off.

Attention, Freakazoid.

This is The Lobe...

...using your girlfriend... - Aah!

Sorry.

Using your girlfriend as bait...

...your greatest enemies and I have lured you to your doom.

Oh! Oh, listen to the bighead man say angry things.

Ol�!

Ha!

Adi�s, Freak-boy.

Anybody for loose-meat sandwiches?

So sweet of you to swing by, Freakazoid.

As a personal favor, please don't have your snake squeeze me, okay?

Swallow him.

Thought I'd never get out of there.

Uh-oh.

Now it's our turn.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!

I probably blew the animation budget for the whole season on that one fight.

You may have defeated my allies, Freakazoid...

...but you'll never save the girl.

What? No.

No!

It's nice, but my favorites are still sparklers and those little pellets...

...that turn into the crinkly, snake thingies when you burn them.

This is my most humiliating defeat.

My hero.

Wait, wait. Hey, hold it, enough.

Hey, pal, I've had just about enough of this Relax-O-Vision thing.

Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Hey.

And now something very special.

Hi, lard boy.

Having a sweet bun, lard boy?

My name's not lard boy, it's Louis.

Yeah, Louis. Ha, ha.

Louis the Lard Boy. Ha.

Leave me alone, will you?

Oh, sure, we'll leave you alone just as soon as you give us your lunch money.

Yeah.

Why should I?

Because you don't need it.

- What you need is a diet. - Ha, ha.

Hold it right there, you little dirtbags.

- Aah. Fatman. - And Boy Blubber.

Run for it.

After them, Boy Blubber.

They won't be back.

I got a stitch in my side and I've lost my freshness.

If either of you ever again ridicule an overweight person...

...I will personally sit on you.

Are you okay, Louis?

I am now, Fatman. Thanks.

You know, Louie, Blubber Boy and I know what it's like to be overweight.

In fact, we're always on a diet.

We, like you, try to exercise, eat sensible food, cut down on fat...

...but it's still tough fighting the battle of the bulge.

You know, Louie, we're on the road a lot...

...and sometimes we miss meals...

...and we end up eating fast food and snacks...

...as we speed off to defend our fellow overweight friends...

...from the torment and taunting of twisted villains...

...like those two hoodlums you just faced.

Your point is?

My point, Louie?

My point?

My point is, do you have another delicious and yummy sweet bun in there?

Hey, let go.

Come on, Louie, let me just check.

No, that's my lunch. Unh! Unh!

Louis, it's just a sweet bun.

Knock it off.

Louis, give me that sweet bun.

No.

Oof! - Boy Blubber, a little help here, please.

And now, from cyberspace, the star of our show...

...Freakazoid.

- Excuse me. - Bueghh?

Are you Mr. Freakazoid?

- Yes. - We're the Idiotic Police.

And we place you under arrest for being totally idiotic.

Who, me? Hey!

How does the defendant plead on the count of being idiotic?

Guilty as charged.

- Now will someone please call me a lawyer? - Okay, you're a lawyer.

Thank you.

I'll sentence you to either 30 days in county jail...

...or 30 minutes listening to Fan Boy.

Wow, Freakazoid. Cool.

Hey, I was just talking to Harlan on the Internet...

...and I told him I hadn't seen a good cyberspace scene...

...like this one since Tron.

Which is not the film that broke the bank at Disney in 1983, as some believe.

No. Tron came out in '82, three years after Disney's The Black Hole...

...which was movieland's equivalent to the Hindenburg.

What a disaster.

And the robots?

They made R2-D2 look like Laurence Olivier.

Lock me up and throw away the key.

Ahh...

Sweet peace.

So anyway, back to 1983 at Disney...

...their big film that bombed in '83 wasn't Tron.

It was Something Wicked This Way Comes...

...which is actually pretty fun.

But it comes across too soft, and it lost a fortune.

Anyway, that brought about the arrival of Eisner and Katzenberg.

- And slowly but surely... - Summon the Huntsman, please.

Ahh. Huh?

What's up, Lieutenant King?

The Lobe back in town? Cave Guy?

Sorry, Huntsman, false alarm.

Some dumb rookie was screwing around with the Horn of Urgency.

- I chewed him out real good. - Darn.

What can I say, Huntsman? Crime is still down.

I'm lucky to have a job.

Darn the luck. Darn.

Well, maybe I'll go to the all-night aquarium.

Mm. Aquariums are supposed to be very relaxing.

I like watching the pollyfish.

They're so comical.

Wanna go?

No, I don't watch fish. I eat them.

Page me if anything comes up.

Fat chance, but thanks, anyway.

Darn this slow period.

Darn. Darn it.

How's an active man supposed to keep busy if no one cooperates?

Darn.

My heavens.

What if they've hired another hero behind my back?

And now, a shot of the busy freeway.