Original subtitles

We've produced a special little motion picture about Freakazoid's origins...

...that's filled with action and adventure, and even features a scene...

...with a man wrestling a bear for no reason.

Gentlemen, the Pinnacle chip is flawed.

Wow.

A Pinnacle chip.

Uh, how exactly is this, uh, flaw manifested?

A user would have to be connected to the Internet.

Then, they'd have to press an exact sequence of keys...

...followed by "delete. "

Because if someone did manage to activate the flaw...

...the Pinnacle chip would overload...

...causing a concentrated beam of energy...

...to zap the user.

It would fill his or her brain with all the information on the Internet.

It would give them superhuman strength, enabling them to do just about anything.

But they'd be very silly, extremely perturbed.

They'd be a freakazoid.

Would you please stop that infernal raking?!

It's driving me crazy! Sheesh!

Perchance is there a computer user living about this abode?

Oh, do you mean Dexter?

Aye, that's it. Dexter.

Whoa!

I'm here to help you. You've been given amazing powers, lad.

But you're gonna need some help getting them under control.

Mr. Guitierrez would like to have a word with you.

How is the flaw activated?

Why?

I shall transform myself into a superhuman capable of doing anything.

Mom, Dad, Duncan?

Cooperate with me and no harm will come to them.

Refuse me, and I'll show them...

...the Best of Marty Ingles.

What kind of sadistic creature are you?

And now the next scene.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Marty Ingles.

Hi, folks.

What sequence of keys activates the flaw?

All right, all right, I'll tell you.

Thank you.

Eliminate them and the family.

- But you said... - I lied.

If news of the flaw got out, my company would be ruined.

At least let the lad go.

- No, I cannot. - Why?

Because he tasks me. He tasks me.

Round the moons of Snibya, I chuckle at thee.

Beyond the Corpian clouds, I chuckle more at thee.

Revenge is a dish best served with pinto beans and muffins.

Kirk, old friend, I...

Oh, sorry.

Goodbye.

Dexter, not to put any undue pressure on you, lad...

...but you've got to change into the freak or we're all doomed.

But I don't know how. I can't.

Sorry, fellas.

This can't be happening. It's gotta be a nightmare.

I'm freaking out.

I think he said the secret word.

Let's wrestle.

You boys look like you could use a chiropractor.

Here we go.

Hey, you wanna go out for a snow cone?

No, lad. There's no time.

We've got to find Guitierrez and stop him from activating the flaw.

I'll check down the west wing.

You check down there.

What was I supposed to do again?

- Find Guitierrez. - Oh, right.

Mr. Guitierrez, where are you? Olly olly oxen free.

Come out, come out, wherever you are. I'll read you a poem.

Oh, I'm such a bad typist.

Mr. Guitierrez.

Yoo-hoo.

Hey, Guitierrez!

Come on, come on.

So long, boys. Ha-ha-ha!

There.

Soon the world will be mine for the pickings.

Uh-uh-uh.

Stay right there.

Hey, I... I'm sorry I yelled at you before. I was, you know, under a lot of stress.

It is okay, my son. Forget about it.

Aah!

- How you feeling? - You task me, Freakazoid.

Hey, lad. Good work.

I'm sorry I can't be there in person to congratulate you...

...but, uh, I'm busy surfing the Net and I don't know how to get back just yet.

Just so you know, to change back into Dexter...

...all you have to do is say, "Freak in. "

To change back to Freakazoid say, "Freak out. "

You're a good lad. Do me proud.

I'll see you again one day, that I promise.

Till then, good luck and goodbye. R. MacStew.

That made water come out my eyes.

Then they showed us a Marty Ingles tape.

Worms and weasels. What kind of driving school is this?

- You've done a good job here, kid. - Thanks.

Say, you wanna go out for a snow cone?

Do I ever.

And then I got sucked into the Internet and, well, here I am.

You know what you should do with your powers?

What?

I'd become a superhero, but that's me.

Nah.

You could fight crime.

Nah.

Uphold the truth?

Nah.

Impress the ladies.

Okay! I'll do it.

And so Freakazoid decided to become a superhero.

And that's how the whole thing got started.

Now, let's say this on the record here:

The only reason why I'm doing this, because I'm a lousy actor...

...is I'm doing it for Steven Spielberg.

You got that, Steven?

Well, so long. We're done.

Not quite.

Now we're done.

And now a musical interlude.

This concludes our musical interlude.

We now return to our program.

Feast your peepers topside, Mohammed-Abdul.

It's Freakazoid, scouring the city for trouble...

...bless his shiny red suit.

Then later, in the great time of leanness...

...my race was driven forth onto the plain of vastness...

...whereby Lothgar the Ill-postured was made king...

...of the People-with-no-Name-but-Decent-Footwear.

Listen, I'm trying to work. If you quit talking, I'll give you a Pez dispenser.

Okay.

Freakazoid.

Don't do that.

We just heard a report about Air Force One.

Its landing gear is as stuck as a canned ham.

How bad is the situation, General Odin?

Well, it's hard to know, sir. The pilot just bailed.

Oo-wee.

Sure sounds scary.

Say, who exactly is flying the plane?

Well, uh, everyone is, sir.

- Let go. - I've got a plan.

- Can I fly too? - Why don't you just go sing instead?

People, people who fly airplanes

Are the happiest people

- All right, don't. Why don't we...? - Would you just...?

- Huh? - Aah!

Oh, man, could it possibly get any worse?

Ah. Ooh.

Aha. Believe me, Mr. President, you do not want to go out there. Whoo!

- Freakazoid. - At your service, sir.

You've nothing to fear but fear itself, and this aircraft crashing in flames.

But that won't happen with me on the job.

Then again, I am the only one here wearing a little jet pack.

Excuse me, sir, but the fuel is dangerously low.

This bird is going down.

Ah, don't pop your stars.

Everyone knows you don't have to worry till that little fuel light starts blinking.

Let the worrying begin.

To the rescue.

By the way, anybody got a bag of those yummy honey-glazed nuts?

Uh, sorry, we're... We're all out. Sorry.

Yeah, a big monster ate them.

Fine. Maybe I forgot how to heroically repair an aircraft...

...in mid-flight during a terrible storm.

You know, the guys in prime time could have had this show...

...but no, they had better ideas.

Yeah. Ha, ha.

Yeah.

Better than a ThighMaster.

Once again, Freakazoid makes history.

There's something kind of new: A vortex that likes honey-roasted nuts.

Whoa!

I know this looks bad, but I think I'm gonna escape.

I'm wrong.

Welcome back to the show. I'm still falling.

Ta-da! Just like rehearsal.

Note to myself:

Cut Dexter out of the main title. Bye-bye.

Hey, what is this place?

Palm trees, hula girls.

Pineapples, hula girls.

Surfboards, hula girls.

Hula girls, hula girls.

Of course, it all adds up. I've somehow landed in Norway.

Zoids, Pearl Harbor.

Hey, those ships look like they came from World War II.

Oh, my gosh, can it be?

Yes, yes, it's Kate Smith, here to entertain the troops.

Hi.

Somehow, I've gone back in time.

I'm in Hawaii. It's the 1940s.

All men wear hats. What gives?

One day, while saving Air Force One...

...teen superhero Freakazoid was unexpectedly swept...

...into both a time-warp vortex and a Tv show parody.

From that point on, and until this segment ends...

...Freakazoid is lost in time.

He is Quantum Freak.

Oh, okay, now I get it. All right, okay, I see what you're doing.

This is a play on the show where people would go back in time.

The Quantum... I can't say it, or I'd be sued...

...but this is very humorous.

I'm reading on, and there's good stuff coming, good stuff.

I'm laughing on the inside.

Good stuff.

Oh, fudge! Torpedo planes heading this way.

I know what you're thinking.

Where did he get those snazzy binoculars?

Ha, ha. Well, guess what.

They can be yours in the next 60 minutes for the one-time-only price of 49.95.

That's not all, right, Joan?

Oh, oh, oh! Can we freak? Look what else you get.

This adorable 14-karat gold binocular strap, which I designed myself between jokes.

Sorry, Joan, I gotta cut you off right there.

Because in about 10 seconds, Pearl Harbor's gonna get trashed...

...thus beginning World War II...

...and only I can stop them.

But if I do, I will alter the course of future history.

Do I really want that responsibility on my shoulders?

Hey, who's gonna know?

To destiny.

Hello, destiny. I was seeing your friend, duty.

He says very bad things about you.

Have I got time for another gawking-at-the-girls-through-binoculars gag?

I like those.

Hula girls.

You're all a little early for The Don Ho Show.

Now, listen up, I want one line right here.

We're checking for fruits, vegetables and torpedoes.

Did you hear? They're checking for fruit.

And I brought him up some grapes.

Fool.

How do I do it?

Ha!

How do I save a president and avert World War II all in one day?

Well, it's not easy, but a high-fat diet of starch, sugar...

...and a big bag of salt really helps.

Do I dare go back?

Do I dare see what Freak hath wrought?

Okay.

Doesn't look like I changed doodly-fudge.

Things look pretty much like the old...

Wait a second.

Sharon Stone in Macbeth?

Here's the smell of the blood still.

All the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little hand.

Oh.

She's good, she's really good. Sharon Stone can act.

Alms for the poor. Suffer the little children.

Remember, you can never give enough.

Good heavens, it's Rush Limbaugh.

He's become a real bleeding-heart liberal.

And look, Euro Disney is packed.

Cold fusion works.

No Chevy Chase movies.

Check it out, the world is a better place.

And all it took was one tiny trip through time.

I wonder what else I've changed.

Situation is critical, Mr. President. Fuel's low and the pilot just bailed.

How distressing.

Might I inquire as to whom is piloting the aircraft?

Zort!

That was a keeper.