Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, the president...

...of the Motion Picture Association of America...

...Mr. Jack valenti.

Hello, I'm Jack Valenti, and these are my cheeks.

You know, we get a lot of letters here at the Motion Picture Association of America.

And most of them are about my cheeks.

Still, there have been a few letters asking us all about Freakazoid.

Letters like this one from Miss Ida Lupins of Santa Susana City.

And she writes, "Dear Mr. Valenti, I like your cheeks.

I'd like to know how Freakazoid got his start as a superhero.

What were the special circumstances?

My home is made of adobe. "

Well, Miss Lupins, you're in luck.

As it just so happens, we've produced a special little motion picture...

...about Freakazoid's origins that's filled with action and adventure...

...and even features a scene with a man wrestling a bear for no reason.

So sit back, relax and enjoy Freakazoid's origins.

And now...

Our feature presentation.

Ach, crud!

- Crud. - Are you sure about this?

Aye, sure as a snail hates salt.

There's no doubt whatsoever in my brain.

Gentlemen, the Pinnacle chip is flawed.

Oh, no.

Uh, how exactly is this, uh, flaw manifested?

Well, first, a computer user would have to be connected to the Internet.

Then, they'd have to press an exact sequence of keys followed by Delete.

I've calculated the odds of this happening at 450 million-to-1.

Four hundred and fifty million-to-one? What are we worried about?

That's not gonna happen. Come on.

Cut the crud!

I wouldn't have such happy slacks if I were you.

Because if someone did manage to activate the flaw, a pox on them.

The Pinnacle chip would overload...

...causing a concentrated beam of energy to zap the user.

It would fill his or her brain with all the information on the Internet.

It would give them superhuman strength, enabling them to do just about anything.

But they'd be very silly. Extremely perturbed.

They'd be a freakazoid.

A freakazoid? What's that?

It's just what it sounds like, Mr. Fancy-Man-Sitting-In-Your-Chair.

Oh, perhaps we should recall the chip.

Gentlemen, it's Christmas Eve.

Our company, Apex, has sold over 60 million chips.

Sixty million.

Tomorrow, people all over the world will be having cookies and fudges...

...and opening little presents with Pinnacle chips inside.

A recall at this late stage would adversely impact our end-of-the-year earnings...

...as well as your Christmas bonuses, which I hold here in my hand.

Oh, heck, what's one little flaw.

Tell me, my dear good friend, Roddy MacStew.

Does anyone else know about this flaw?

Nay, not yet.

Now, how did that happen?

Laugh with me.

Crud.

A new weight set. Cool.

We almost got you a rock tumbler.

But then we thought, no, Duncan just loves to lift things.

Maybe you can give your old set to your brother.

Yeah, I'm so sure.

What's that supposed to mean?

Ow!

Worms and weasels, Dexter.

What have we said about going:

...to your brother? - Ah, yes, sir.

Okay, now, Dexter's turn, Dexter's turn.

Mr. Chubbikins, stop it.

Wow, a Pinnacle chip.

Bum-bum-bum

Oh, this is great.

It's gonna make my computer twice as fast.

It'll allow for true dedicated multitasking...

...and at 300 megahertz and 16 megs of RAM, I can...

Dexter, honey, honey.

- You're boring us again, sweetie. - Oh, sorry.

Can I go put it in?

Okay, hon, but only in your computer.

Internet, here we come.

We're in.

Oh, shoot. Where's my codebook?

A user would have to be connected to the Internet.

Then they'd have to press an exact sequence of keys followed by Delete.

Got it.

What's this junk?

Followed by Delete.

We interrupt this program to increase dramatic tension.

Thank you. And now back to our program.

Wow.

Hi, I'm Freakazoid. Now, these messages.

Find him.

Lickety-split.

This just in to the WB news desk.

A major disruption of the Internet has been confirmed by sources worldwide.

Ach, crud. I knew it.

Kitty, kitty, kitty.

I sure could go for a snow cone.

Huh?

What's happening to me?

Hey, Dexter.

Yoo-hoo, down here.

Surprise!

Ew, ew, ew!

Now, unzip your head.

Huh?

Unzip your head. You know, like this.

Pretty gross, huh, kids?

Don't do that.

Don't do what?

Stop unzipping my head. No, no, no.

Dexter, open the door, you little dip. I gotta make tinky.

Well, hi, sport. You must be Duncan.

Good to meet you. Let's wrestle.

Stop, stop it.

Oh, golly.

Do you know how long it's been since I've heard the boys roughhouse?

- Say uncle. - Uncle.

Say "Grandma Moses makes munchy meat most Monday mornings. "

Grandma Moses makes munch... Munch...

I can't.

Wait. Shh.

What is that noise?

I'll be right back.

Would you please stop that infernal raking?

It's driving me crazy. Sheesh.

- Aah! - Where were we? Oh, yeah.

- Say it. - Ow!

Grandma Moses makes munchy mee...

Now might be a good time to tell you...

...all about the Motion Picture Association of America's fascinating rating system.

Now, if a family wants to see a movie, and it's rated G, then everyone can go.

Mom and Dad and Buffy and Jody and Grandma and Grandpa...

...and even Sergeant Scruffy.

If it's PG, then there might be something unsuitable...

...for young or sensitive viewers.

In which case, Buffy would just have to stay home...

...along with Grandma who didn't wanna go to the movies anyway.

Now, if the movie's rated PG-13, then...

Jack, we're ready for the next scene. You're gonna have to wait.

No, no, please, I beg you. Let me finish.

This is very, very important.

- Later. - But...

Later.

- Oh, shoot. - And now the next scene.

Stop! Ow, oh, oh! - Bingo.

Look, one hand.

No hands.

A little too rough, kids, huh?

Yoo-hoo.

- Are we done? - Aah.

There is a blue guy chasing me. Unh!

Well, Merry Christmas, stranger.

Aye, thank you, ma'am. And you.

Perchance is there a computer user living about this abode?

Oh, you mean Dexter?

Aye, that's it. Dexter.

Is he available?

And you are?

Oh, I'm his, um...

What should I say? I can't think.

She'll never buy it. Crud! Crud!

I'm his insurance agent.

Well, he's only 17.

Crud, I blew it, I blew it.

Oh, no. I meant I'm his, uh, his, uh, driving instructor.

It's time for his lesson.

On Christmas day?

He's a very bad driver.

Dexter, your driving instructor's here, hon.

They've been roughhousing.

Dexter, get down here this instant.

Maybe I should just go up and see him alone.

I have, uh, private driving matters to discuss.

Okay, then. First door on the left.

Now, if the movie's rated PG-13, it might have some material in there...

...that Mommy and Daddy might not like, uh, some of the young kids to see.

So Jody might just have to stay home. Bye-bye, Jody.

Now, if the movie's rated R, then it's gonna contain some adult material.

In which case, uh, Dad, who's got a lazy tummy...

...will probably wanna stay home.

But if the movie's rated NC-17, that means that kids can't get in.

Only adults can get in.

Mom doesn't wanna see adult movies.

But Grandpa was in the Army and he's not bothered very much.

And so he decides to stay along with Sergeant Scruffy...

...who's just a dumb dog anyway.

I hope that explains it.

Now back to the cartoon.

- Hello? Hello?

- Hello? Hello?

- Hello. Hello.

Can we move on to a new word now?

Ach! Oh!

I've seen many a strange thing in this world...

...including a man who got hit in the belly with a cannonball.

But I've never seen anything quite as bizarre as you.

That's pretty odd coming from a guy wearing a dress.

Who are you? What's happening?

The name's Roddy. Roddy MacStew.

I'm here to help you. You've been given amazing powers, lad.

- Me? - Aye.

But you're gonna need help getting them under control.

Right now, you're highly unstable.

What do you mean unstable?

All right, MacStew. Hold it right there.

Mr. Guitierrez would like to have a word with you.

Let's go. The kid too.

- Get them, lad. - Huh?

Don't come any closer, gents, or this lad will tear you limb from limb.

- Do it, lad. - Do what?

- Change into the freak and clobber them. - Me?

- MacStew, let's go. - Fellas, I'm warning you.

Take another step forward and the boy will turn you into haggis.

He's wild with rage.

Dexter, now's the time, lad.

These men aren't here to take us for a joyride. Now, do it.

- Change. - I can't.

Then we are in deep crud.

You'll never get away with it, Guitierrez.

Get away with what? I haven't said anything yet.

You're right. Sorry, I jumped the gun, my fault.

I plan on eliminating both of you.

You'll never get away with it, Guitierrez.

Of course, I could be persuaded to change my mind...

...in exchange for some, um...

...information.

My name's Dexter Douglas.

I live at 564 Funiculi Funicula Avenue.

My Social Security number is sev...

Not that information.

Well, what, then?

What sequence of keys activates the flaw?

Why?

Power, my dear good friend, Roddy MacStew.

Ultimate power.

I shall transform myself into a superhuman, capable of doing anything.

Yes, won't that be neat-o?

How is the flaw activated?

Nay, I won't tell you.

But you will, won't you?

I can't. I don't know, it was a mistake.

The cat did it by accident.

Well?

What does that mean, meow?

Bring the animal psychologist in.

Ask the kitty how he activated the flaw.

He says he's very sad.

Oh, go away.

Perhaps you two are not properly motivated.

Let's see now.

What if I put ooey-gooey worms in your ears?

They wrap around your brain and make you all crazy.

But no, I believe I have something much more persuasive.

Mom? Dad? Duncan?

Dexter? Is that you?

How bad a driver are you, hon?

You're gonna get it, Dexter.

Cooperate with me and no harm will come to them.

But refuse me and I'll show them this:

The Best of Marty Ingles.

What kind of sadistic creature are you?

Well?

I don't know. I don't know.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Marty Ingles.

Hi, folks.

All right, all right, I'll tell you. Just stop torturing them.

Thank you.

Eliminate them and the family.

Next time on Freakazoid:

Revenge is a dish best served with pinto beans and muffins.

You've got to change into the freak or we're all doomed.

I'm freaking out.

We got to find Guitierrez and stop him from activating the flaw.

Hey, Guitierrez.

Come on, come on.

Soon the world will be mine for the pickings.

On the next Freakazoid.

On paper, it was funny.