Original subtitles

- Steady her up there. - Steady her up, sir.

- Look at this, sir. - What is it?

I don't know, sir. But it's big, real big.

Captain, it's the lookout, sir.

What is it, lookout?

On the port bow. I've never seen anything like it.

Oh, my golly.

Hey, you guys in there. You wanna watch my show?

Do we have a choice?

Huh?

Aah!

Oh. It's you. Mr. Sulu from Star Trek.

George Takei. Wow, I'm Fan Boy.

Everyone calls me that, even my folks.

Oh, you're my favorite character.

Right after Kirk, Spock, Bones, Chekov and Uhura.

Hey, have you noticed when you shake hands for a long time...

...your hands get super sweaty?

Oh, you know what?

Oh, darn, I just remembered something.

Hey!

I want you to know right now that I'm not one of those weirdoes.

I always respect the boundaries set...

...between a creative person and their audience.

Sulu! I'm walking with Sulu!

Hey! Oh.

Wait! Come back!

Oh. All I wanted was to make friends.

But every time I meet one of my heroes...

...they run away like I'm some kind of a nut case.

We interrupt this program for the following special report.

I'm Christina Shiniqua Sanchez Toyota O'Mally...

...reporting live from downtown, where in another incident gone freaky...

...Freakazoid has helped police apprehend the notorious criminal, Milkman.

This was the scene not 10 minutes ago...

...as Freakazoid and his newest sidekick, Expendable Lad...

...slugged it out with the lethally lactic Milkman.

Though Freakazoid eventually won the battle...

...tragedy struck when Expendable Lad was severely milked.

And now the big question is...

...who will be Freakazoid's next sidekick in his ongoing fight against crime?

Yeah, then everybody would respect me.

Keep them coming, Mike.

Expendable Lad, we hardly knew ye.

Hey, Mike, enough with the bells.

Sorry, I'm giving angels their wings.

- Well, cut it out and give me another one. - Hey, slow down, Mr. F.

It's not like Expendable Lad's dead or anything.

He's just in the hospital with a bruised clavicle.

I said, give me another one, curse your tiny paper hat.

If I wanna blitz myself into some papaya-induced hallucination...

...that's my business.

Hello.

Wait, wait.

- Ooh, yummy. - I'm Fan Boy.

I'm gonna be your new sidekick.

Sorry, pal. No more sidekicks.

I can't stand the guilt. Ugh.

Or the hot dogs.

But I've studied everything about you.

For instance, you always drown your sorrows in papaya juice...

...after you lose a sidekick.

That's because I'm allergic to cranapple. Now, if you'll excuse me.

It's been a kick. Gotta fly.

Pretty nifty gizmo, huh, kids?

Well, here's the announcer to tell you how you can have your very own.

That's right, kids. New this season, it's the Freak Mobile.

Now with this nifty boot-kicking attachment.

It moves back and forth...

...and even comes with this small, chubby little Fan Boy, suitable for kicking.

Wow, what fun.

It's the toy we think you should buy.

Freakazoid Freak Mobile comes with boot-kicking attachment...

...and chubby little Fan Boy.

Fingers not included. Batteries sold separately.

"Song of the volga Boatmen" not available. We thought this would be funny.

This has been a fake commercial. Continue enjoying our fine programming.

Please, let me be your sidekick. I've memorized all your adventures.

Huh? Wha...?

Like the time you defeated Gargoyle Gal...

...by showing her a mouthful of chewed-up coleslaw.

Enh. I'm sorry, it was tuna salad.

Then there was the time you tricked the Pummeler...

...into dropping his guard by swallowing his dog. Unh.

- You really have no life, do you? - No, sir.

All right, kid.

You wanna be my new sidekick, you gotta pass the initiation test.

Challenge me.

Mr. Camera Guy, zip pan to the next scene.

No! The other scene!

Am I working alone here?

Thank you.

Wow. Where are we? My Freakalair.

- I didn't know you had one of these. - Well, in this episode anyway.

You know, we're trying a lot of stuff out, seeing what sticks.

Ah, my mute butler, Ingmar.

Prepare the initiation test and holler when ready.

What's taking my mute butler so long?

Ah, good. Thank you, Ingmar.

Go have a treat.

He's mute, you know.

Let the initiation test begin.

First, we put you in the special virtual-reality helmet...

...then stick you in a simulated action scenario.

Now, count to 900 and don't get sick.

I'm free! I'm free!

Hmm. You know, I think this might be the perfect time...

...to have a conversation with my inner child.

Billy? Billy?

Hello, I've grown quite large.

I've brought you shorts. Good.

I can't come out because of my girth.

I brought you a diet book as well.

Okay. I think we've gone as far as we can go.

Scratch one sycophant.

Ah, I hate to tell you, but you already used that trick...

...to escape the Venusian Moon Goons in the "Heck-Bent for Sparky" episode.

Look, little guy.

Get this through your Clearasil-soaked head: I don't need another sidekick.

But every hero needs a sidekick to assist in the battle against crime...

...to uphold the truth...

...and most important, to handle the overflow babes.

Ruff. Yowza. Hee.

Hey you, Freak!

Thanks.

Help me!

I can't let that happen.

Now, kid, look. You're weird, you're kooky, you're everything.

But I don't need another sidekick. Now, beat it.

No! Wait, I'm going with you.

Wow. That was terrific.

I can't wait to go on adventures with you all the time.

Please, please, leave me alone. I'll give you anything.

Anything you want, if you'll just go away.

How about the just-written script to Batman 4?

Plucked it off the Internet last night.

An autographed photo of Stan Lee?

- Who's that? - No idea.

- How about your very own Harlan Ellison? - You can't buy me off.

No matter what happens, I'll always be your Fan Boy.

Huh? Yes.

Look, it's Mark Hamill.

Oh, no. I'm not falling for that trick again.

Honest.

Aah. Oh, Mark Hamill.

Why settle for being a mere sidekick when Jedi knighthood awaits?

Yes, the Force is strong in this one.

- Luke, join me. - Come again?

Join me and together we can end this destructive conflict...

...and rule the galaxy as Fan Boy and son.

No, I'll never join you.

It is your destiny.

No!

No, wait. Come back.

Come back, I won't hurt you.

Kids, if we've learned anything today, it's that your parents are right.

Comic books really will rot your mind.

And now we present the Lawn Gnomes.

I, Baffeardin, chronicle the tales of my people...

...as we help mankind fight wrongdoing.

But this was not always so.

For we are an elder race, old as rock, born in a time before time.

We are wise and cunning.

We stole man's fire and tried to hide it in our pockets.

That was painful and dumb. So we became even more cunning.

We became a shadow people, following man throughout history.

We became really annoying.

And virtually unemployable.

I'm hungry. Can we eat that crow?

No. Be quiet.

Maybe later.

We are despised by mankind.

Unjustly thought to be no better than beasts.

Can we eat those vikings?

They may have had a point.

We are Lawn Gnomes.

Not now, we're on the job.

Vikings, I'm home.

Hi, Eric.

Cease! Help!

Gnomes!

You miserable gnomes are the scourge of all Daneland.

- Big deal. - You'll pay for insulting Eric the Large.

Maybe you should change your name to Eric-the-Large-Guy-Without-Any-Pants.

My older brother is a powerful wizard.

He'll put a whopping great curse on you for this.

- You'll see. - Yeah.

- Sure. - I'm shaking.

Write if you get trousers.

Jovial little buggers, ain't they?

And so, we spent our last evening before the great change.

Great-uncle Huska?

No, they're all mine. Get away.

That wasn't it.

I wanna know why humans don't like us.

Humans are prejudiced.

They think we all carry knives or something.

That's why they don't like us.

Boy, is that a bunch of bull hooky.

The Great Mystic Gnome.

You bet your tall hat I am.

Humans dislike you because you steal their trousers...

...pour slop on them from atop buildings, then run away and giggle.

- Thanks. - Appreciate it.

- Just doing our best. - That wasn't a compliment.

Even by gnome standards, you are shifty, low, and disgusting.

You are rats with hats.

But what shall we do?

You must change your ways...

...and begin to fight wrongdoing instead of causing it.

How come? - It's a good thing.

So do it or I'll have you roughed up.

Change your ways this very night.

Now, farewell. Try not to foul up.

Hey, what gives?

We have been given a sign.

We must change our ways.

Yes, change is fat with risk, but risk is the stuff of life.

Henceforth, let us go forward and help people.

Who is with me?

Hurrah.

I'm taking notes on this show.

Thus, with new resolve, we began our last morning...

...having decided to alter our old ways, in about a week or so.

Fatty on the ground.

Gnomes, I should've guessed.

Is there any chance you could just untie me and let me go?

Oh, no. It would set a bad precedent.

Fine.

Did I mention that I am Rathgar the Wizard?

Not to boast.

Ah. My brother used to have a helmet like that.

Perhaps you know him? Eric the Large?

A Viking? A large man?

A large Viking man? Ah, yes, yes, I know him.

Don't count us out yet, Rathgar.

Now you'll learn what cornered gnomes are capable of.

- Ready? Ready!

Prepare to grovel for mercy.

Ew.

You're disgusting. I feel unclean.

- Then you'll let us go? - No.

Please, please.

Silence.

I said, silence, you horrid gnomes.

Prepare to receive a horrible, twisting curse...

...that will last 4000 years.

I've got a full day ahead, so let's go.

- I'm going to apologize. - What for?

We've tried everything else.

Hold your curse, Rathgar.

Mugging you and your brother was wrong:

For my deeds, I wish to say I'm...

Sorry:

My goodness. A gnome actually apologized.

And the rest of you?

Your willingness to change has so impressed me...

...that I will effect a different curse.

Can you make slow, overweight birds appear out of thin air?

Yes, but I won't.

Since you used the day for mischief...

...henceforth the sunlight will transform you into statues.

Only during the night will you know life.

You will live like this until you mend your ways...

...and serve mankind without profit or gain.

The sooner you change, the sooner the curse is over.

So there, you're cursed. Goodbye.

That's not so bad.

We'll have this curse beat in a couple of weeks.

Piece of cake.

Still, time does have a way of slipping by...

...as we continue to skillfully aid mankind in battling evil.

We are Lawn Gnomes.

Well, that's all from the Lawn Gnomes.

Let's learn how to speak French...

...because it's time for "Frenching with Freakazoid. "

Who cut the cheese? Who cut the cheese?

This has been "Frenching with Freakazoid. "