Original subtitles

Congratulations, Hudson high class of 2004.

There she is. Fiona!

Bye.

- Hey. - Hey!

Hey, you.

- Congratulations, graduate. - Thanks, baby.

And congratulations to you, Cooper.

- Thanks, baby! - Nice try.

All right. I'll see you at Wade's party tonight?

- See you then. - All right.

So, it's just you and me for the entire summer.

Next year you graduate, join me at college. Just like we planned.

- Scott, we need to talk. - Yeah? About what?

About me dumping you.

There he is! The graduate and his beautiful girlfriend.

- Okay. - Smile, you two!

-Aoz'/on./ -dad, mom, grandma, uncle make.

I'm gonna need a minute here, okay?

What do you mean, you're dumping me?

Scott, I just can't take all the lying and cheating on each other anymore.

What do you talking about? Sweetie, I never cheated on you.

I know. That's what makes this so hard.

Looking good, you guys.

Scotty, it's not you. It's me.

There I go, lying again. No, it was you.

- You're just so predictable. - Smile.

So, that's it?

Here's your letter jacket back. Goodbye.

This isn't mine.

Now, she's a keeper, huh?

Oh, wow.

Oh, my god.

Fiona!

Let's see that again.

Fiona!

This is just so brutal.

And yet I can't look away. Bert, play it again. Come on.

Fiona!

Bert, get out of here.

Okay. See you, Coop.

- All right. Stay black, Bert. - Yeah.

"Fiona!"

Il/lail, motherfucker!

Hey, I got one from mieke.

"Happy herzl/chen. ”

You still writing that guy? I thought that was just for German class.

It was at first, but we're actually becoming pretty good friends.

He's a really cool guy.

"Dear mieke, greetings from your American pen pal."

Scotty, girl scouts have pen pals.

Listen to yourself, all right?

No. You met "a cool guy on the Internet."

Okay, this is how these sexual predators work.

Next thing you know, he'll want to "arrange a meeting,"

where he will gas you and stuff you in the back of his Van

and make a wind chime out of your genitals.

- Come on. Let's go to Wade's. - All right. Screw it.

Let's go. I'm not gonna let Fiona ruin my graduation night.

Auf I/I/iedersehen, mieke.

Hey. What's up, losers?

- What's up, Jenny? - What's up, dude?

Sorry to hear about Fiona. She's a whore.

Well, that's very sweet of you. Thanks.

All right, enough Fiona talk.

Look around. There's gotta be a hundred drunk girls here.

We should be trying to have sex with every one of them.

- Hello? Mixed company? - What?

- I'm a girl. - No, you're not.

- You're just a cool guy with long hair. - Where's your evil twin brother at?

Jenny!

There he is.

Hey, Jamie. In fine form, I see.

Why'd you get me gin and tonic? I hate gin.

- You do? - You guys are the worst twins ever.

Chug! Chug! Chug!

- When are you guys taking off? - Tomorrow morning.

Hey, Wade!

Great party, buddy.

Man, I am so excited.

A whole summer, backpacking around Europe.

You should've come with us instead of working for Dr. Dad, Scotty.

It's gonna be so awesome!

Yeah. I have planned every detail of the trip to maximize the fun.

You brought a guidebook to a party?

- Do you wanna see my itinerary? - Do you wanna see my balls?

You guys decide where you're gonna go first?

Paris. I can't wait.

I heard, two years ago, Nicky jager's sister, Debbie,

met this really wealthy French guy

and they spent a month sailing the mediterranean on his yacht.

Isn't that just the most romantic thing you've ever heard?

Stuck on a boat with a weird French guy?

- That sounds a little gay. - It's not gay. I'm a girl.

- Kind of gay. - It's a little gay.

All right, I gotta piss like a pregnant woman.

Hey, listen up, everybody.

Gotta a special thing I'd like to do tonight.

Going to play a little song for you

about the nastiest, freakiest little sex puppet I know...

Fiona.

This one's for you, baby. Happy anniversary.

Sootty doesn't know that Fiona and me

do it in my Van every Sunday

she tells him she's in church but she doesn't go

still she's on her knees and Scotty doesn't know

oh, Scotty doesn't know

so don't tell Scotty, Scotty doesn't know

Scotty doesn't know

I hope we're just as popular in college as we were in high school.

- We will be. - I know.

Who needs more chablis?

- Candy, wanna come with? - No, I'll stay here.

Well, there's your r rating right there.

Holy cow! This isn't where I parked my car.

I can't believe he's so trusting

while I'm right behind you thrusting

cause Scotty doesn't know Scotty doesn't know

Cooper Harris, you're a pig!

Wait, candy, you should clean that off before you go.

Clean what off?

You've got a little something on you.

Where?

Like there.

It's like a smudge or something.

Where?

It's like dirt or something. Just go like this.

Is it off?

No. Keep rubbing it.

I did her on his birthday

Scotty doesn't know, Scotty doesn't know

Scotty doesn't know, Scotty doesn't know

don't tell Scotty, Scotty doesn't know

no, it's just not coming off.

What is it?

Well, it may be tree sap or something. Try pinching it.

No, it's just not coming off. I'll tell you what,

lick your fingers, get some saliva going.

Like this?

Yeah.

Just... again, not enough saliva.

- Is it off yet? - Okay, fine. I'll do it. Come here.

Oh, my god. Candy!

Cooper!

Hey.

This isn't where I parked my car.

Scotty doesn't know...

Hey.

Scotty doesn't know! Scotty doesn't know!

This band rocks! Yeah!

Scotty doesn't know...

Ll/lail, motherfucker

Hey, mieke. "Dear Scott,

I was very sad to hear about your lady woman Fiona dumping you.

Since you no longer have a girlfriend, maybe I could come to america

and we could get to know each other better.

Perhaps we could...

Zussamen."

What the fuck is a zussamen?

"Arrange a meeting."

No, no. No, come on. Cooper was right.

This guy wants to have sex with me.

"Listen, mieke. I don't want to arrange any meetings with you,

you sick, German freak.

So please keep your hands off my genitals,

and never write to me again, and don't come to america.

Goodbye."

I'm never drinking again.

That's nice.

- Bert, what are you doing? - Reading your email.

Don't do that.

Why are you wearing my bathrobe?

Oh, I'm sorry, but somebody pissed all over mine last night.

Wow. I can't believe this German chick wants to come here and hook up with you.

I don't think so, buddy. Mieke's a guy.

No, it says right here, " trauriges ll/ladchen."

"I was a sad girl to hear about Fiona."

Fucking a, Scott. I'm taking intro to German and even I know that.

Come here. He sent me a picture, retardo.

See? That's a picture of mieke and that's his cute cousin, jan.

No, retardo. That's jan, a man's name.

And that's not "Mike," it's "mieke,"

a common German girl's name, similar to our Michelle.

I hope you wrote her back and told her to come and visit.

You didn't? You thought she was a guy.

I'm getting the video camera.

- What an asshole! - No.

"Address blocked"? "Email not delivered"?

No. No, come on!

Hey, mom made waffles.

- What's going on? - I'm in love with my pen pal.

I'm in love with mieke.

Okay. Okay.

You know what? I was actually expecting this.

And frankly, no, listen, I'm flattered you picked me to come out to first.

And don't worry about telling your folks, 'cause...

- I think they already know. - No, you idiot. Mieke is a girl.

No, no, I get it. Yeah. He's the girl, and you're the girl,

and sometimes you're both the girl.

Right? Right? That's hot.

But whatever works for you. I'm not gonna judge it.

Will you stop? Look, come here. Look at this picture.

Wow. Who's the hot chick?

That's mieke. I mean, "meeka."

Wait, that's mieke? That's who you've been writing to all this time?

Yeah, you know, until last night, when I took your advice

and told her to keep her hands off my genitals.

Given what we know now, that seems like the exact opposite of what you want.

- This is a total disaster. - Oh, come on. It's not that bad.

Though she is really hot.

You're not listening. I don't even care what she looks like.

Mieke and I, we had this incredible bond.

I told her things I couldn't even tell you.

- Like what? - Nothing. It's a figure of speech.

- Seriously. What? - Nothing. The point is...

- You like me better, right? - Will you stop? Listen.

This girl is not only smart and funny and stunningly beautiful,

but until I screwed up,

she actually wanted to come all the way to america just to be with me.

- So do something about it. - What can I do?

She blocked her email account. Her phone number's not listed.

The only thing I know is that she lives in Berlin.

So go to Berlin.

- I can't just go to Berlin, Coop. - Why not?

Because I just can't, okay? I'm supposed to work for my dad this summer.

That stuff looks really good on my med school application.

Oh, Jesus, Scotty.

Man, Fiona was right. You're so predictable.

- I'm going to Germany. - No. We're going to Germany.

- How are we going to get to Germany? - Don't worry. I've got it covered.

- We're going to be couriers? - It's the best way to get a cheap flight.

All we have to do is carry their packages and then drop them off when we get there.

- My cousin did it when he went to India. - Yeah?

Yeah. Of course, he ended up using a public restroom in New Delhi

and they had to cut off his leg. You know.

But he got there cheap, is what I'm saying.

Okay, I don't have anything to Germany for a week.

But I can get you both to London today for $118.

- Anything else? - Europe is the size of the Eastwood mall.

- We can walk to Berlin from there. - Cooper, england's an island.

Okay, swim. Whatever. We'll take it.

Hey. Thanks for coming with me.

I know you had that internship at the law firm this summer.

Forget about the law firm.

And don't thank me. I should be thanking you.

This trip is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for me

to broaden my sexual horizons.

- What are you talking about? - I'm talking about crazy European sex.

You know america was founded by prudes.

Prudes who left Europe because they hated

all the kinky, steamy European sex that was going on.

And now I, Cooper Harris,

will return to the land of my perverted forefathers and claim my birthright,

which is a series of erotic and sexually challenging adventures.

You've really thought a lot about this, haven't you?

It's my passion.

Come on. Come on.

The adventure begins.

Welcome to jolly old england.

Yeah, breathe that sweet, sexy, European air.

What is that?

It's the phone they gave me at the law firm.

Yeah, it's pretty neat.

- Works anywhere. - Yeah?

Yeah. Excuse me.

Cooper here.

Hello, Mr. Walters.

Yes, sir, I'm down in file storage.

Hang on one second.

No, sir, I can't find the gutterman file anywhere.

Yes, sir, I'll keep looking. I don't rest until I find it.

Didn't tell your boss you were leaving the country?

- They would've stopped paying me. - Right.

This seemed easier.

- So, where to? - I don't know.

First bus to Berlin doesn't leave till tomorrow morning.

What do you wanna do? Got the tower of London, there's Buckingham Palace.

There's no drinking age.

- There you go. - Come on.

Hey! The feisty goat.

All right.

What do you wanna...

Soccer hooligans.

Hey. This isn't where I parked my car.

Oi!

Who the bloody hell are you?

This is a private members' bar, exclusively for the supporters

of the greatest football team in the world.

Manchester united.

Now please, enlighten me.

Who the fuck are you?

That is a good question, and... Scotty?

We're the Manchester united fan club...

From Ohio.

If you're Manchester united supporters,

sing the Manchester united song.

Excuse me, I'm sorry.

- I'm not much of a singer... - Sing!

M y baby takes the morning train

he works from 9:00 to 5:00 and then

he takes another home again

to find me...

Watching the Manchester united football team,

the best freaking team in all the land!

Pretty good. Pretty dang good, lads!

Yeah!

I've unblocked your email address,

but this Scott is not responding.

He was the one.

I was going to give myself to him.

Perhaps you should give yourself to someone else...

Fra'ulein.

I'm never drinking again.

- Coop, wake up. - Man, that was a wild night.

You think?

Scotty, where the hell are we going?

Don't worry. If anything bad happens, my parents will find us.

Honey, where's Scotty?

- Cooper said they were going camping. - Oh, that's nice.

- And where's Bert? - Fuck if I know.

Hey! How are you, you scallywag?

Look, given the current geopolitical climate,

all European countries should have a seat at the table.

- Right. - Except those fucking ities.

I hate them Italian bastards.

- You know what I mean? - Excuse me.

- Hello, boyo. - What the hell happened last night?

You got steamed up, pissed as a fart.

Too much sauce, son. Don't worry.

I come and got ya so you wouldn't miss the trip.

- What trip? Where are we going? - What do you mean, where are we going?

We're going to see the mighty reds do the frogs in Paris.

- Aren't we, boys? - Yeah!

Why are you yelling at me?

So I tell the swamp donkey to suck it

before I give her a tonk in the tradesman's entrance

and have her lick me yarbles.

Wow. You guys are on like a completely different level of swearing over here.

Coop? Cooper, we're going to Paris.

- I know. Cecil told me. - Mieke's in Berlin.

We're not going to Berlin. What are we gonna do? We need a plan.

See what I'm talking about? This is predictable Scotty talking.

Relax. Paris is practically a suburb of Berlin. It's a nothing commute.

This is why France and Germany have always been allies.

Allies.

The twins. The twins are in Paris, right? We could give them a call.

They could help. Let me see your phone. I'll give them a call.

All right, but I'm really only supposed to use this for business calls. I don't...

You're on the wrong side of the road, you snail-eating puffs.

Fuck off! Go on, you Gaelic fucking garlic-breath tossers!

Piss off! Get in here and say that, you froggy itie shities!

Fucking beep? We'll beep, you bastard, all over your fucking nose!

Get out of the way. Piss off!

Hey, lads! That wanker's got a frog football shirt on.

Let's give this Nancy a fucking good kicking!

Come on, lads. It's going off!

All right. Twins said they'd meet us here.

- Hey. There they are. - Look at that.

Come on. Jenny!

- Jamie! - Hey.

- Come here! - No, no, no!

Scott...

Thank you. Thank you. What is that, a new camera?

This isn't just a camera, this is a Leica m7.

- Yeah. - Uber-sensitive exposure settings,

legendary cloth shutter system.

- Let me see that thing. - No can do.

I spent the last four years tutoring lacrosse players to pay for it,

so nobody touches my camera but me.

- So it's like your wiener. - No, it's not like my...

- Jenny. - Cooper, leave him alone.

Wow, Scotty. I still can't believe you came all the way to Europe for a girl.

Wait, not just any girl. Show her the picture, Scotty.

She makes every girl in our high school look like a walrus.

- I'm a girl from your high school. - No, I mean "girl" girls.

Guys, we're wasting the whole day here. We're in Paris.

- Let's go to the louvre. - To the louvre!

So, you guys wanna stay here,

or should we check out the huge line at the Eiffel Tower?

Here's a fun fact: Voltaire contracted syphilis just two blocks from here.

- Should we go? - Can we please just get out of here?

- This guy's really creeping me out. - Who, robot man?

He's just trying to feed his robot family.

- I really don't like him. - Why?

Because he's doing this?

All right. Okay, seriously, don't do that.

Cooper. Do not hate me.

I am familiar with over 600 dance moves and I am programmed to get...

Freaky.

You're just upset because people like me better. It's okay.

Fight! Fight!

Sweep the leg, Scott!

Don't look in his eyes, Scotty. Don't look in his eyes.

That was not cool.

Guys, let's go. Come on.

Error! Error! Error!

How cool is this? It's a shame we only get to spend one day together.

- Why don't you come to Berlin with us? - No.

Jamie, come on. In a few months, we're all going off to different colleges.

This could be the last chance that the four of us are together like this.

Plus, we're in Europe, huh?

This should be the trip of a lifetime. There's no way we should split up.

All right, this table is now Europe, okay?

- Okay. - Excuse me.

We are right here, in Paris, and I have got to get to mieke,

who is over here in Berlin.

And Jamie, if you come with us,

I'm sure there's a ton of great stuff to see along the way.

- We can go to Denmark. - I love Denmark.

- We've gotta hit Amsterdam. - Definitely.

And the cathedral at camaret.

- Yeah. - Maybe. We'll see.

- Whatever. - If there's time.

Come on. I really want you to be there when I meet mieke.

Fine.

- Excellent! - All right.

A toast.

- A toast. - Yes.

- To mieke. - To Europe.

To Europe!

- Berlin, here we come. - All right.

You better let me hold on to those.

- What the hell is that? - It's a traveler's money belt.

Frommer's says as long as you have one of these, no one can Rob you of anything.

- Except your dignity. - No, you just put that in your...

- Wait. What? - Come on, guidebook. Let's go.

Check it out. European ass.

What's up?

Jesus, Jenny. I thought you were some girl.

Come on. Platform four.

Thanks.

Damn.

I believe this is yours.

Pleased to meet you. My name is christoph.

- Jenny, let's go! - Come on. Move it!

Those are my friends. We're supposed to get on a train to Berlin.

- Jenny! - I'm coming!

So, it was really nice to meet you.

The pleasure was all mine...

Jennifer.

Scotty doesn't know that Fiona and me

do it in my Van on sundays

tells him she's...

What?

You gotta admit, it's a really catchy tune.

Tells him she's in church but she doesn't go

still she's on her knees and Scotty doesn't know

Scotty doesn't know

Scotty doesn't...

You know, there are a lot of other empty compartments.

Pardon me.

What the hell are you doing?

No! No, no, no, no.

Uh-oh.

- What? - Big tunnel.

Who's touching me? Scotty, is that you?

- Whose hand is that? Who's touching me? - Scotty?

Scotty!

Crans sur mer.

We change trains here.

Well, we got a couple of hours to kill.

What's there to see in this town?

Hello? The ll/lonument des poissonnieres.

It's a monument to all the local fishermen that were lost at sea.

Frommer's says it's supposed to be "quite moving."

What the hell is wrong with you, c-3po?

We're here to see Europe, not some crappy statue.

I'm taking a nap. Wake me up when the train gets here.

Says here this town has a famous nude beach.

All right, look, we can't all just lie around all day.

We've gotta get out there and experience the culture firsthand.

Let's go exploring.

So, what's the etiquette on boners?

Do I roll over and dig out a hole for it, or is it cool to just let my flag fly?

Wait, wait, wait...

Does "nude beach" mean we have to get naked too?

Of course.

Do you think you can go an hour without your currency colostomy bag?

Hey. As long as this thing has our money and our passports in it,

it's not coming off, and I don't think my trunks are coming off either.

Come on, Jamie. You came all the way to Europe.

Can't wimp out now.

- Okay. - All right, on the count of three.

Here we go.

Three, two, one...

Look at Jamie's penis!

- Very funny. Very funny. - All right.

Let the crazy European sex odyssey begin.

- Here we go. - Really?

Yes.

Hello, ladies!

- Ladies? - Bitches?

What a rip! There's no nude girls here, just guys like us looking for nude girls.

I don't understand.

"Crans sur mer has one of the best nude beaches on the continent.

However...

During the summer months, all the European women

are chased away by gawking male tourists,

so Europe's most nubile exhibitionists head to the deserted beach

right next to the monument des poissonniéres."

There's so many penises.

Frommer's tried to tell you, but you just didn't listen.

This is the biggest sausage fest on earth.

It's the international house of sausage.

Thanks for waiting.

Well, it's not like you're missing anything. It's all guys.

At least the sun's out.

Holy crap!

What? I thought this was a nude beach.

- No, no. No, Jenny, you gotta cover up. - What are you doing?

- Cover up, cover up. - Why?

Girl?

Girl!

Girl. Girl.

Girl. Girl.

Run!

I'm not gonna make it. Go on without me.

All right. See you.

Are you reading mieke's old emails again?

Yeah.

I have no idea what I'm going to say to that girl when I see her.

You know, she said I might be the one?

That's huge. I've never been "the one" before.

Thought I was "the one" with Fiona, but it turns out I was, what, 101?

- 200. - 200.

Look, you got nothing to worry about.

You'll show up and sweep her off her German feet.

Thanks.

Yeah.

I will, won't I?

I'm so sad and lonely.

I just wish someone would show up and sweep me off my German feet.

Mieke. I'm here.

Scotty!

Mieke, listen, about that last email, I'm so sorry...

The past is the past. You're here now.

I've been saving myself for you.

Let us make love for one whole month.

Touch me, Scotty.

Okay.

Oh, Scott...

So, guys, our train doesn't leave until tomorrow morning.

Where are we gonna sleep tonight?

What do you mean, sleep? We can sleep on the train tomorrow.

This is the best thing that could have happened to us. We're in Amsterdam.

This is the drug and sex capital of Europe. Take a look at this.

"Club vandersexxx.

The red light district's hottest sex club."

We have to check it out. Who's with me?

I'll go.

Fine. Since no one else is willing to go, I'll just go myself.

This is definitely where I parked my car.

Hello, there.

Welcome to club vandersexxx, Amsterdam's most erotic club,

where your every fantasy will be fulfilled.

Also says I get a free t-shirt with flyer.

He's American.

How sad for you to grow up in a country that was founded by prudes.

A country overrun with crime and illiteracy.

A country where a man is forced to make sex to only one woman at a time,

and one must learn the woman's name beforehand.

- It was horrible. - I know.

But you can come with me and let the vandersexxx begin.

I can't believe we're doing this.

Don't worry. Hash brownies are totally legal here.

You're gonna enjoy these, man. These are magical.

- You wanna do this? - Yeah.

I need a new battery for my camera.

And while you're at it, it could also use a thorough cleaning.

Wow. Is that a Leica m6?

Actually, it's an m7. It's got the built-in light meter.

It's so beautiful. So sleek, so powerful.

How's the new lens system?

Makes a nikon look like a disposable.

You really know your cameras.

- And you're very cute. - Me? Really?

I'm going on break.

I was going to step out back and have a cigarette. Would you like to join me?

I don't smoke.

Neither do I.

- Hold on, hold on. - What is it?

- This is great. - You're so innocent.

Let's change that, shall we?

What would you like me to do?

Well, I don't really know.

I guess I haven't really done that much.

I haven't really found the time, with all my extracurriculars,

and model UN, advanced placement classes, after-school tutoring.

Gosh, you really like cameras.

Sometimes, we find that our clients are so ovennhelmed with the pleasure,

that they sometimes scream out, "no," when really they mean "yes."

And this is why we have the safe word.

The safe word?

If at any time the ecstasy gets too great, you just use the safe word.

Until we hear the safe word, we will not stop.

Yeah, right. Stop. All right.

We're going to start slowly,

teasing you with a little light erotic foreplay.

Oh, yes, ladies.

On, on, vandersexxx!

Hans! Gruber!

So, are the girls coming back?

Administer the testicle clamps!

What? Hey!

Safe word.

What is that? That's not a word, it's a...

- Okay, mister, don't move. - Excuse me?

- Shut the hell up. - Oh, brother. Please don't hurt me.

Oh, no, you're fine. That's good. You're fine.

Give me cash. You got cash? Give me cash.

Take it all, you dirty girl.

What? Your wallet! Focus!

Give it to me.

I love you! I love you!

I love you! I love you!

What's so funny?

I'm really hungry. I think I've got the munchies.

Excuse me.

It's hot in here. You hot? 'Cause I'm really hot.

- Good. - Okay, I can't breathe. God.

I'm freaking out. I think we got a bad batch 'cause I'm freaking out.

I can't... I can't do this.

I saw a gay porno once. I didn't know until halfway in.

The girls never came. The girls never came!

I am freaking out!

- Is everything all right with you, man? - No, nothing's all right.

You sold us a bad batch of hash brownies.

You're a bad rastafarian.

These are not hash brownies.

- What was that? - We do not serve hash brownies here.

We're a simple Dutch bakery!

Now put your clothes back on, white boy.

Did you say...

Yes! Yes! For the love of god.

- Are you sure? - Yes, please.

As you wish.

Bring on the...

Wait, what?

Uh-oh.

No, no, no! I didn't say...

I said...

What did you do last night?

I don't want to talk about it. What did you guys do?

- Don't want to talk about it. - Don't want to talk about it.

What is that?

Free t-shirt.

Hey, guys.

What happened to you?

I got robbed.

It was awesome!

All our money, our passports, our tickets, everything, gone.

How the hell could this happen?

We all go to Amsterdam, and Jamie's the one who hooks up.

For shame!

That's me.

Coop here. Sorry.

Hello, Mr. Walters.

What do you mean, you never got the gutterman file?

I told Humphrey to give it to you.

That's hogwash. I handed it to him myself yesterday.

Yes, sir, I will tell Humphrey to report to your office immediately. Bye.

This job's killing me.

Let me handle this. I speak bad German.

- What did he say? - He said he's driving.

Something.

Yeah.

Berlin?

- Berlin? - Berlin.

- He's going to Berlin. - Awesome!

- All right! Berlin. - Come on, let's go!

Next stop, Berlin.

Beautiful. We made it to Berlin.

Berlin!

- Bratislava? - Yeah. Bratislava!

Dear sweet mother of god, we're in Eastern Europe.

Excuse me.

Do you speak any English?

- You are Americans? - Yeah.

I love america.

We just get Miami vice on television.

Hey, man, Miami woe is number-one new show.

Yeah. Listen, we're trying to get to Berlin, Germany.

Do you know if there's a train coming anytime soon?

Yes, very soon. They are building it now.

Stop! Hammer time!

Enjoy Bratislava. It's good you came in summer.

In winter, it can get very depressing.

We gotta figure something out. How much money do we have?

Frommer's travel tip.

I don't have anything. What? I got no... fine.

A dollar and 83 cents American.

What are we gonna get with that?

Gotta love that exchange rate.

Happy juice.

Now with less pulp.

Dinner is served. Would the masters care for anything else?

Think we're good. Thanks.

A nickel.

You see this?

I quit.

I open my own hotel.

So, we got 27 cents left.

What is there to do in this town?

Don't tell Scotty

Scotty doesn't know

hey. This song sounds familiar.

Jenny, let me check your coat.

- Hey! - Jenny!

That outfit is horrible! Just take it off, now!

No, but I will let you buy me a drink.

Excuse me?

You're the woman from the Paris train station, aren't you?

- My name is... - Christoph.

Yes.

- What are you doing here? - This is my place.

My family owns many nightclubs throughout Europe.

I'd be honored if you'd join me in my vip room for a drink.

Okay.

Bye, Cooper.

- What's that? - It's absinthe.

Frommer's says it's illegal in the states

because it makes you hallucinate and go crazy.

They call it "the green fairy."

My family has a yacht in the aegean.

Come with me, Jennifer. We will sail away together.

Oh, my god.

We will swim with dolphins, and sip champagne by moonlight.

Oh, my god.

We will spend the day sunbathing, drinking wine.

My wife makes the best sangria.

- Wait. What? - Sangria.

You take a good Spanish rioja, and you put in slices of orange and...

No, no, wait. You said you were married?

So, you just go around Europe, sleeping with every woman you meet?

No. Please, Jennifer. It is not like that.

I also sleep with men.

I gotta say, I'm not feeling anything.

- Me neither. - Sober as a judge.

- How about you? - I'm not feeling a goddamn thing.

- This absinthe is bullshit. - I hear you, my brother.

I'm outta here.

Excuse me.

- Hey. So where's christoph? - Shut up.

- Europe! - Europe!

Europe!

- So, tomorrow, Berlin. - Tomorrow, mieke.

- Check it out. - No way!

Jamie's hooking up with another girl? Goddamn it!

It's just so unfair. I've been all over the place,

looking for crazy European sex, and he's the one who ends up getting...

- Oh, my god! - Oh, my god!

That is some pretty fucked-up shit.

Can you say, "what the fuck did I do last night?"

They really are the worst twins ever.

That was a pretty wild night, eh?

Yep. Pretty wild, pretty wild.

I know I was out of control.

How about you guys? Did you...

All right, look. We were really drunk,

things got a little crazy, and Jamie kissed me.

Let's just forget about it, okay?

- Consider it forgotten. - Never happened.

- Never happened. - Fine.

Let's just forget about it. It's not like you two had sex.

Have you had sex?

- Shut up, Cooper! - Jamie, relax.

- Cooper, please? - Okay, fine. I'll give it a rest.

Jamie, can I borrow your frommer's?

Here it is. Bratislava. Capital of Slovakia.

Oh, here's a fun fact.

You made out with your sister, man!

- Shut up! Shut up! - Like two dogs in heat.

My friends, where is the beef?

You go to Berlin? I'm your ride. Hop in.

Hey. This is mieke's apartment building.

Wish me all sorts of luck, guys.

You'll do great, Scotty.

Thanks.

I came all this way. I'm not gonna miss this.

- Dude, mieke's hideous. Run! - Stop.

Hi, my name is Scott Thomas.

I'm from america, and I'm here to see mieke.

- I'm sorry, but mieke's not here. - Do you know where she is?

She's gone for the summer.

My daughter had intended to spend the summer in america,

looking at colleges and visiting some friends.

But several days ago, she suddenly changed her mind.

She would not tell me why.

I think I know why.

This is Heinrich. He's mieke's stepbrother.

As I was saying, she packed up her bag and left.

- It was all very sudden. - Do you know where mieke is right now?

As you know, she's always been very interested in the classics,

Greek and Roman literature and history,

and she has always enjoyed the ocean,

so she found a program that combines all her interests.

Do you know where she is?

She enrolled in a summer at sea program, based in Rome.

Rome.

Okay, then I guess we'll go to Rome then.

Well, unfortunately, mieke's only in Rome for orientation.

Tomorrow, her group will be boarding a boat and she'll be gone for the summer

and she'll be quite unreachable.

Unreachable.

Mieke's tour group goes to the Vatican tomorrow,

then she gets on that boat and she's gone.

So, it's over?

Hey. Thanks for sticking with me through all this, guys,

but you should probably call your parents,

have them wire you some money and go home.

What are you gonna do?

I'm going to Rome.

I'll walk, I'll hitchhike,

I'll swim if I have to, but I'm gonna get to mieke somehow.

- Maybe that'll help. - Where'd you get all that?

Wait. Where's your Leica?

- Sold it. - What?

You sold your Leica? But you loved that thing.

What about your photo tour of Europe? What about the chateaus?

Chateaus have been there for 300 years. Mieke's gone in 12 hours.

Come on. Let's go!

Frommer's says to check in three hours before any international flight.

Come here, guidebook!

We're going to Rome. We're going to Rome!

All right, summer at sea group.

Our tour begins in the Vatican museum. This way, please.

There it is.

This entrance is for private tour groups only.

But we are a private tour group. We've come all the way from america.

That guy in the orange jacket is mentally retarded.

Si, I can tell.

How very, very sad.

Yes, it is.

But if you are a tour, where is your guide?

We've got a fantastic tour guide.

- Right here. - What? No...

The Vatican has been used as a papal residence

ever since the time of emperor constantine the great in the 5th century ad.

Okay. If you'll all follow me, please.

Have a very special day

for a very special little man.

Okay.

I can't believe that guy let us in. What a retard.

Okay. Let's find mieke.

One of our English-speaking tour guides has called in sick.

Could you please take these peoples also?

- How big is Vatican City? - 0.5 square kilometers.

- Who built the colonnades? - Gian Lorenzo bernini, 1656.

- Where are the bathrooms? - Floors two, six and seven.

Next, I'll take you to where the college of cardinals elects a new pope.

When this happens, white smoke is sent up from the Vatican...

Mieke's gotta be around here somewhere.

Let's go.

Behind me is the appartamento papa/e, or papal apartment.

We're obviously not permitted in there.

Excuse me, miss. What is this?

That is the bell of San Marco.

When the pope dies, the cardinal vicar of Rome

rings this bell to notify the people of Rome.

Next, we will view the sistine chapel. Follow me, please.

Come on. I think I heard them. Which way did they go?

That way. I'd stake my reputation on it.

Good enough for me.

Hey, check it out. I wonder what this does.

It doesn't do anything, it's a rope. Come on, let's go.

They got a lot of old stuff here.

The bell of San Marco.

The pope is dead.

She's not in here.

Let's go. We're definitely not supposed to be here.

Hey, check this out.

- I'm the pope. - Cooper, take off the pope hat.

- No. It's okay. I'm catholic. - Cooper, take it off, goddamn it!

You took the lord's name in vain.

- Only I can forgive you now, my son. - Take that fudging thing off.

- Coop... - The pope breaks an open-field tackle.

It's a hail Mary. He catches it. He's at the 40,

the 30, the 20, the 10...

Touchdown, pope!

The pope makes a two-point conversion.

And, oh, my lord! It's the pope 8,

and the heathens nothing!

How's you, sucka?

Cooper, the hat. The hat.

The hat is on fire.

We don't need no water, let the mother...

I'm not kidding. Look.

Oh, holy shit!

I don't want this. Fireplace. Fireplace. Go, go!

White smoke! They've elected the new pope.

I'm coming to you live from Vatican square

where the college of cardinals, in a surprise move,

has just elected a new pope. The crowd is very, very excited.

This is so strange. Usually, they wait 15 days to elect a new pope.

We could be seeing history in the making.

We could be seeing an arrest in the making.

There she is. Mieke!

Hey! Stupid curtain!

Let me out!

Mieke!

It's the new pope!

What the hell?

Mieke!

Hold on!

This is one crazy pope.

You!

Stop! You!

You and your retarded friend,

you're in big, big trouble.

Oi!

Take your mitts off them boys!

They're with me!

I've just about had enough of you fucking ities!

But I am Swiss.

Them too!

Now, bud, you get in there, and you say what you got to say.

Mieke, I'm here. I made it.

Who are you?

What a fucking loser! I'm gonna videotape this.

I'm Scott. From Ohio?

Scott? Scott Thomas?

- Yes. - From Ohio?

- What are you doing in Rome? - I came here to be with you.

Listen, I just traveled all the way across Europe.

I got chased by naked men.

I ate brownies with absolutely no drugs in them.

I watched a brother and sister make out.

I kicked a robot in the balls, but I did it all so that...

So I could tell you one thing.

I love you, mieke.

We're perfect for each other. What do you think?

I think...

Oh, Mike... mieke!

Forgive me, father, for I have sinned. I have cheated on my husband.

Do you think god will ever forgive me?

Oh, yes!

Father?

This sucks.

I can't believe I'm the only one who didn't hook up while we were here.

Europe is officially the worst country on earth.

I know. I thought I'd at least get to have some crazy European sex.

What?

- Scott, I have to go. - Okay.

My boat is leaving.

I still can't believe you came all the way here, just for me.

What can I say? I'm very unpredictable.

- Keep writing to me, Scott, okay? - Yeah, I will.

-Bye.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Hey, guys, I'm so glad we got to take this trip together.

This was the best time of my life.

Excuse me.

You're the young man who just gave me that tour of the Vatican, aren't you?

- Listen, I'm very sorry... - I just wanted to thank you.

You were the most knowledgeable, albeit idiosyncratic,

tour guide I've ever had.

Thanks. But I'm not actually a tour guide.

I've just read frommer's enough to have it memorized.

Although, I threw in a few things frommer's didn't know about.

- How would you like to add them? - Excuse me?

That's my guidebook.

I'm Arthur frommer.

It's amazing! Frommer's is going to pay me

to see every museum and cathedral in Europe.

That sounds so exciting. For you.

Hey.

I figured, since you're going to be staying, you might need this.

- A disposable camera. - That's right.

- Thanks, Scotty. - That's from both of us.

Scotty doesn't know Scotty doesn't know, Scotty doesn't know...

Hello, Mr. Walters. I see.

Fired? Well, I...

Well, if that's what you want, I understand. I just...

Goodbye, sir.

They had to catch you eventually, right?

- No, they fired Humphrey. - Shut up!

- I got his office and a raise. - No!

Flight 347 from Rome to ole ve/and...

- That's you guys. - Yeah.

- Have a good flight, everybody. - Come here.

Be good.

Okay.

- Cooper, have a good flight. - Be good.

Thanks.

I'm on it.

This still counts as Europe, right?

”Dear mieke, Greece sounds incredible.

I just mo ved into my dorm room today,

but / can't wait to see you over Christmas break

this time / think / 'i/ fly to Berlin direct. ”

- Hello? - Hey, buddy, how's college?

I just got here. My roommate hasn't even showed up yet

do they room all you pre-med geeks together?

I'm not sure I'm going pre-med. I'm thinking about majoring in German.

German? I've got a better idea.

Why don't you major in not being such a woman?

- So, how's Jenny? - Jenny... Jenny who?

I know a lot of ladies named Jenny, they're all...

- Hey, Scotty, what's up? - Hi, Jenny.

Have you heard from Jamie? How's he doing with frommer's?

Oh, no.

Hold on.

- Come here, robot. - Cooper, not again!

Hold on. This could be my new roommate.

What's the freak look like?

Is he a dork or is he cool? Better not be cooler than me.

Is he bigger than me?

I just got your last email. What are you doing here?

Going to college.

You're going to college here?

- What dorm? - This one. Room 214.

How is this possible?

I guess they thought I was a guy.

Now who would be dumb enough to make a mistake like that?

Do I hear kissing?

Are you making out with your new roommate, Scotty?

Scotty?

Scotty? Scotty!

This happy ending is bullshit.

When does the fairy get laid? I'm outta here.

- Catchy tune. - Fucking-a it is.

Fiona says she's out shopping

but she is under me and I'm not stopping

'cause Scotty doesn't know Scotty doesn't know

Scotty doesn't know, Scotty doesn't know

hello, and welcome to Amsterdam's finest and most luxurious youth hostel.

- Sounds great. - Thanks.

There is no bathroom, nor is there one nearby.

Sorry.

- You get it? Okay. - She got it.

If you do not wish to have your valuables stolen,

I suggest destroying them or discarding them right now.

You can also try hiding your valuables in your anus.

So I'll rip away the pants and look at his dick, okay? Okay.

Ready? Quit. Shut up.

Sorry. I know I fucked it up. I fucked it up, right?

Yes! You take her hair, and one strand at a time, pull it out.

Use her like a humping post.

Jenny, this is Europe. They have orange juice ads with lesbians and dildos.

Happy juice.

You gotta show them something they haven't seen before.

No, fuck!

Scotty doesn't know, Scotty doesn't know

should a fire occur, due to our faulty wiring,

or the fireworks factory upstairs, you will be incinerated,

along with the valuables that you have hidden in your anus.

Scotty doesn't know, Scotty doesn't know

fuck off! Get out of it, you wankers!

Go on, you Gaelic fucking garlic-breath tossers!

Piss off! Get in here and say that, mate!

Come on! Fucking come and have it!

You fucking beep?

We'll beep, you bastard, all over your fucking nose!

Fuck off! Go on, you French bastards!

Get on the other side of the road, you pricks!

Go on out of it! Fuck off!

I'm knackered.

Leeds supporters.

No, no. Guys, help?

Hey! Check these out! I'm 18 years old!

Scotty doesn't know! Scotty doesn't know!

Scotty doesn't know! Scotty doesn't know! Scotty doesn't know!

Scotty doesn't know! Scotty's gotta go!

- Is it off yet? - No, keep rubbing it.