Original subtitles

Guys, I'm pretty sure I just saw a cougar

about ten feet from my front door.

Just me and you.

And you're a camera.

Right?

I'm all alone right now.

I want to build a whole new shelter.

It's imperative.

Then I can be warm and cook my food

and have the rain off me.

That's huge.

Just kind of in a rut now,

so it's like, "What's left to prove?"

You know?

I'd rather be home reading a book to my kids right now.

Just started losing it.

At this point, I just want to go home.

So sick of this place.

Sick. Sick of it. Sick of it.

So sick of it.

This is gonna be a bitch.

We have to film it, and we're totally alone.

Nobody knows what it's like here

except for the ten guys out here doing it.

Time to get shelter.

There's nobody here but me.

It's just so hard doing this alone.

I'm scared to death right now.

I feel like I'm starving.

Pretty sure I just saw a cougar.

Oh,.

The last man standing wins $500,000.

I don't want to go home. I want to win.

This is the chance in a lifetime,

but it's not worth dying over.

♪ ♪

Hello.

I haven't filmed anything for a few days,

because life has just been that bad here.

The weather's terrible.

My body is just kind of shot.

All I've done is laid still,

and...

when I stand up, I feel dizzy.

I don't know what I'm trying to adjust to--

if it's food or what.

But between the inactivity and just being laid up,

there's been nothing to talk about.

♪ ♪

Food is what's on my mind right now.

Morale and psychology, m'yeh.

They're there.

They fluctuate.

But the food thing...

been a bit lean the past few days.

When I stand up, it's like--

I'm gonna have to go get some hemlock bark at some point,

'cause I'm gonna need some kind of starch or carbohydrate,

'cause it's just like--

my energy level has dropped

and I have to will myself to pick my foot up to walk.

It's like, "Move! Come on, move!

I know you can do it."

And you're sitting there, and, like, "Oh!

There's a step."

So when you get that tired,

something's missing.

You cannot maintain this kingdom of manhood,

this temple of testosterone,

on seaweed alone.

Can't be done.

I've been looking around for slugs, anything, you know--

better food,

'cause I was starting to feel the loop-dee-doos.

♪ ♪

Because of the tides,

I've not been able to do anything about food.

I've not been able to check my fish trap

because I know I need to do some work on it.

I've not been able to look at the gillnet.

I've not been able to do many things that I need to do,

because the tides have all been happening at nighttime.

It's been very, very hard on me.

Past four days have really taken a toll.

Really have.

Not much ingestion other than just run down,

get a handful of seaweed, which, I mean, you know,

that's just something in your stomach

to say, "Okay, don't die."

So, that's that.

And hopefully I'll find something--

insects.

Slow-moving hikers.

Anything.

Stray dog.

Cat. Rat.

Wishing for a German chocolate cake.

I'm gonna find some--hey--

when I get out of here, I'm gonna find a German

and say, "Excuse me.

Could you make me a cake, please?"

I couldn't help but notice you were German.

I love what you've done with the cake.

But, yeah, it's just-- it's that kind of deal,

and I'm wondering, "How long do I want to do this?"

You know? You start thinking about home.

You start thinking about-- just stuff.

I mean, I've done everything I came out here to do

and feel like I've done it well,

but it's like, "How long you want to keep going, bud?"

Like, "I don't know."

Just whenever.

I guess I'll know when the time's right.

Whenever I say, "Enough's enough,"

I'll sally forth.

Sashay. Saunter.

Gallop.

Frolic my way out of here.

So, that's where we are.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Ah ♪

Been out here for about a month now.

I haven't gone too crazy, or I already am.

♪ ♪

It doesn't sound like a long time when I think about it,

'cause it's just one month,

but the reality is is that it feels

like many different experiences.

♪ ♪

So many.

I've made, like, two or three different shelters.

That thing that looks like it's on fire in the background

is really just my smoky teepee.

Just a nice lean-to with a flat top

that provides me a workspace,

a fire...

I built here.

Got my boat operational.

Found clams.

Just trying to catch fish.

Built an instrument.

This has just been a wild ride.

You know, the isolation,

the not-steady diet,

the lack of full calories.

Not eating, filming myself doing this all,

dragging around camera equipment

and building, making, doing.

Trying to stay warm.

Trying to stay healthy.

Trying not to get sick.

Trying to find medicine.

And then--

and then the working with your past

and working with your present

and working with your future.

You know, my past is coming up.

It's already come up.

Still comes up.

My relationships with people I used to have

and still have, and...

making peace with all of that.

You know, and...

making peace with being alone.

This has just been...

it's unlike anything I've ever experienced.

I can't run away.

I can't stress that enough.

I have to look at my life.

I have to look at how I feel about things.

I can't stuff the emotion away

with something else.

I can't stuff it away with food,

or with another relationship, or...

with a phone or with an internet

or with an activity.

I have to look at it.

And yesterday, I broke down.

I broke down and I wailed.

I wailed in the forest again.

Just--

And it's amazing,

'cause you can cry in the forest

and nobody can hear you,

and you can just, "Rahhh!"

Let it out, man.

You can just yell.

You can just yell.

And I did for a little bit.

And most of the time, I'm concerned about...

my prestige or position in the world,

or getting ahead, or being somebody.

Maybe it's 'cause I wasn't really great at sports,

or I wasn't really a great artist,

I wasn't really a great musician,

and I really wasn't great at anything.

♪ ♪

You know, a lot of this, I think,

is just accepting who I am

at 32.

It's like a pre-midlife crisis or something.

I don't know.

Damn it, I wish I was stronger.

I just don't know if I got it in me.

♪ ♪

Oh.

♪ ♪

None of the traps were triggered last night.

I am so hungry,

and it's just wearing on me.

So today, I said I am going to try to hunt something.

I'm gonna go ahead and take the bow

into the enchanted forest back here.

See if we can't find ourself some squirrel.

When you bowhunt in Nebraska,

you get your bow,

and you set up on a deer trail,

and you wait for the deer to come.

And when it gets to 15 or 20 yards,

you shoot it.

On Vancouver Island,

I see nothing.

No little animals.

No medium-sized game,

like raccoons.

I haven't seen a single porcupine.

There's nothing to get.

There's not even any rabbits out here.

This is totally just a last ditch effort to get some food.

I don't care if it's mouse

or if it's a worm.

I just want something edible.

If I don't eat,

I'm gonna die.

♪ ♪

What is that?

♪ ♪

I'm gonna go out and hunt.

♪ ♪

Find ourself some squirrel.

♪ ♪

What is that?

Just missed him.

Man.

This sucks.

♪ ♪

So...

I do have a mouse

that I caught in the traps this morning.

So I'll eat that.

Other than that, though,

pretty hungry.

♪ ♪

Things are just going south

really, really fast.

♪ ♪

Dear Lord, thank you for this day.

Thank you for the mice you've blessed me with.

Help me to not feel down when I do have failures out here,

and thank you for every small success

that I've had out here, Lord.

♪ ♪

Amen.

It's at first light.

The wind is blowing

in such a way--

I would estimate 60,

maybe 65 miles an hour.

It's that intense.

You can hear the wind.

I'm gonna put on socks and boots

and walk down and just kind of see where the tide's at here.

This is kind of near first light.

So I just want to look and see kind of where it is.

I might grab some seaweed. I'm pretty hungry.

And if it's low enough and something's in the gillnet,

I'll cut it up and throw it in the pot

or--just anything I can find, really,

'cause it looks like I'm gonna be laid in again today,

because this weather is pretty foul.

Not gonna take my pot or my knife,

'cause I got rainwater in the pot

that has collected overnight.

I've got to funnel it into my gallon.

My feet feel numb.

The pins and needles. Achy, but kind of numb.

Yeah, the gillnet's not gonna be where I can get to it anyway.

There's a lot of chop on the water.

Wasn't even worth getting out here, really,

but I felt like I needed to come look.

So, at first light,

the gillnet is, like, half exposed.

So, in the next two to three days,

it'll be optimal to come out at first light

and check the gillnet,

and I can start feeding again,

'cause I'm not very well nourished right now,

just to be honest with you.

I've not--

I've not eaten,

past couple of days, like I need to.

It's been very minimal.

Just enough to stay alive.

Just some seaweed, you know?

Couple limpets here and there.

So I'm gonna come down here and get some seaweed,

'cause I've got to keep going.

I can't just totally neglect my nutrition.

I feel like I'm starving.

Hey, here's some...

here's some bull kelp.

Yeah.

Better look at this up close.

It's got some fungus growing on it.

But I'm gonna wash it off and go for it anyway.

It's not too bad.

♪ ♪

Yeah. It's not bad.

♪ ♪

It's nutrition, anyway.

♪ ♪

Now I'm gonna go for some bladder wrack.

♪ ♪

Then I'm gonna go lay back in.

'Cause this weather is not the kind of weather

you want to be out in.

♪ ♪

All right. Back to bed.

Back in the house I go.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

At first, I really wanted to win,

because I didn't want to look like a failure,

and that was like my own personal battle

with insecurity.

Just being insecure and being worried

about what people think of me.

Now I'm over it.

I've done some cool stuff out here

that I'm proud of--

that I'm proud of--

and hopefully my family and friends are proud of.

♪ ♪

When you start worrying about

how good you are compared to other people,

you'll never win.

You'll never win at anything.

♪ ♪

Being here gave me the opportunity

to reflect upon my life

in a way that I've never had a chance to reflect upon it.

I realize that for me, there's something bigger going on here.

Something bigger going on that wasn't about the money.

Wasn't about the pride.

Wasn't about being number one.

♪ ♪

Okay.

There's a point where you just got to go.

Okay.

♪ ♪

All right. Let's do this.

♪ ♪

All right.

I'm making the call.

It's time.

I'm done.

♪ ♪

You know, I was trying to win,

and I let that go.

♪ ♪

I came in here with two intentions:

to see if I could win,

and I also came in here to experience

being alone in the wilderness

and to see what I could do

and see what it'd be like.

And what I found was incredible.

It wasn't just the physical stuff--

make a shelter,

and put up fish lines,

and find water and boil it.

There was a lot of stuff inside

that came out.

I started to find pieces of me

that I'd never yet shook hands with.

Little pieces of me that I didn't want to look at

because they were painful.

And it was hard.

I came in here to see how far I could go,

and I don't want to push myself past a point

that I can't come back out of.

I'm tapping out,

because there was a story in me that needed to be written.

This chapter's done,

and there's another chapter coming up.

♪ ♪

Those feelings, and that rawness I touched out here--

that vulnerability--

like, that compassion--

I'm gonna see if I can take it with me.

I'm going back with a different sense of me.

A different sense of who I am.

I can't wait.

♪ ♪

Check out what I just found.

I just found a dead sea otter.

Move all the seaweed.

♪ ♪

You know, the natives in this area

used to highly prize their pelts.

Wow, man.

His hide might be salvageable.

That'd be pretty cool.

Nice project to work on.

I'd love to have a sea otter hide back home.

♪ ♪

My biggest fear is not connecting with the land.

Not having a relationship with the land.

Not communicating with it.

The land not communicating with me.

Because when you go to a place,

they have feelings.

You know?

Some places feel sacred.

Some places feel sterile.

♪ ♪

Sometimes the land just rejects you.

The person perishes.

Their boat sinks.

Their dogsled team dies.

Everything happens,

and, like, they die.

If, like, you keep wandering places

and not finding what you need,

it's like the land doesn't want you there.

Okay.

That was a brutal job.

♪ ♪

It's completely dark right now,

and I had to kind of hack and pack it.

There's my sea otter hide.

♪ ♪

Oh, that's amazing.

What a gift.

♪ ♪

I'm definitely losing it.

Not good mentally.

I am not good in the head right now.

♪ ♪

Man.

I just--I'm not used to feeling this way.

I'm not used to feeling this...

This helpless.

♪ ♪

I've never had this feeling before.

It's like every time I'm in the woods,

I'm really happy, but...

♪ ♪

Now, just, how crazy this whole thing has been

and how difficult it is,

and the fact that I'm just so isolated out here

and that I...

I just want to speak to my wife,

and I just want to...

I just want a little taste of comfort.

You know, not a-- I'm not asking for much.

Just, like, a little--

just something, you know?

Like...

Man.

I'm just getting the crap beat out of me out here.

It's not something I can sustain.

♪ ♪

Man.

♪ ♪

There's no way to experience how tough this is

unless you've actually been in a situation like this.

Or done this before.

There's no way to explain it.

♪ ♪

It's like your heart's just getting pounded on.

And you're just hungry all the time.

All day, you're just hungry.

You just want a little something to eat.

Even, like, a...

like a handful of just plain flour

I'd take right now.

Just, like, a little something.

Something like an orange just sounds luxurious.

You just want something.

Something to eat to get you calories

so that you can just feel better, but...

There's nothing there for you.

♪ ♪

I just want something.

♪ ♪

All right.

I got suited up. I got my pot.

I got the fire started,

and I put enough on there to hopefully keep it going

while I'm gone.

But I went down,

and I was looking kind of around the gillnet area,

and I saw the gillnet pop a couple times,

the top line,

which tells me something's probably in it.

So whatever that takes,

I got to get one meal in.

One meal better than no meal.

♪ ♪

There is one dogfish.

My net was moving for a reason.

Not too shabby.

Not too shabby of a meal right there.

Two nice fish.

Lot of good vegetables.

Limpets. Mussels.

We're just gonna cap it off

and take that puppy to camp.

And it did start raining,

but now it's backed off again,

so I'm glad I did it.

I hope my fire's still lit.

All I got to do is bring this to a boil,

and then I'm eating.

Be interested to see what's happening with the fire.

Yeah. Gone.

Daggum, that fire is gone.

Full, raging fire...

And that's all that's left--coals.

Walk down to the beach, come back, it's gone.

That's how fast this stuff burns.

♪ ♪

I'm running out of time,

but just real quick, I'll show you.

See, I put those curly pieces on there.

And when you stoke 'em...

They just come right back to life.

That's how you recover your fire.

♪ ♪

See what we got.

Got that going.

♪ ♪

Now I'm just getting pieces like that,

and I'm setting them in there.

Trying to keep it alive.

Keep it going.

Everything is a constant struggle.

And with the weather, I've just had to lay in.

It's been really challenging.

It's like, "Wait. Wait.

Now! Run! Go, get it!"

And you got a hour to do all these things--

fire, food, clean up, get water,

come back, get it boiling.

Mmm.

Jackpot.

Yeah, these aren't the best tasting fish in the world,

but...

I'm blessed to have 'em.

'Cause somewhere in the world right now,

there's somebody that would give anything

if they could have this meal.

And here comes the rain.

Well, I'll tell you, this place here will keep you hopping.

Please let that rain hold off.

Give me ten minutes.

♪ ♪

Not gonna happen.

♪ ♪

Oh, well.

I've been wet before.

♪ ♪

Now it's starting to feel like a storm.

♪ ♪

I got to eat what's left of this chow with a quickness.

♪ ♪

This is, without a doubt,

some of the worst weather I've ever lived through.

This place just--ugh.

It changes...

so rapidly.

And sometimes, it'll toy with you, you know?

It'll look like it's about to rain,

and it won't.

And then you're looking, thinking,

"Okay, well, I need to do this,

so I'm gonna get up,"

and by the time you stick a toe out the door,

"Phew!" Rain. And then a blizzard.

It's just--wow.

Who can keep up?

♪ ♪

So, I got up at 10:00 today.

Beautiful.

Perfect day.

Ready to take on the world, man.

You know, this is good.

You know, I'm, like, putting my microphone on

and doing everything I have to do to film,

and I was gonna do my intro for the day,

and then I was like...

"No.

I don't want to do my intro right now."

Just not feeling good all of a sudden.

♪ ♪

It's amazing...

How quick your emotions can turn.

♪ ♪

Before I left,

my mom became really sick.

♪ ♪

She was diagnosed with cancer.

♪ ♪

Brain cancer.

♪ ♪

She knew she might not be there when I get back.

She told me to keep going

if I was here when it happened.

♪ ♪

She made me promise I'd stay.

I don't know if I can do that.

♪ ♪

I think tomorrow is, like, Thanksgiving.

You know?

But I don't know if she's gonna be there

when I get back.

'Cause the doctor said

the cancer was very bad.

Prognosis was very short.

♪ ♪

I could lose what time I have left with her.

I just think maybe I'm making a mistake.

And I just keep thinking about how fast it happened.

♪ ♪

I'm not ready to lose my mom.

♪ ♪

I'm just not ready to lose my mom.

♪ ♪

And the longer I stay here,

it's like more time away from her,

and I don't get it.

♪ ♪

I am so over it.

The weather-- mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.

There's snow on the ground, and now it's raining.

So, now we have the combination of frigid cold and raining.

It's just--wow.

So, I'll be laying here today, in the bed.

I can't think of any good reason to get up and get out there.

Just in the time that it takes me to get out of bed

and go to the door of my shelter to urinate,

-my hands just--choo! -- tighten up.

The skin on 'em, you know, it just--

it's penetrating.

Cold and moisture combined.

So I won't be doing anything until the weather changes.

I have water laid in,

and that's all I really need today,

is to lay here and hydrate, so--

the psychology part is really kicking in.

I'm really thinking to myself,

"Okay, well, what are you doing here?

What more is there to do?" You know?

"You can live here.

"You've came.

"You've done.

"Now--what? Now what?

Who are you doing any good out here?"

You know? I'm not helping anybody.

Not doing anything.

I'm just...

just doing survival stuff,

which I already know I can do,

so it's like,

"Hmm."

Yeah, you start to think about that.

♪ ♪

I have a lot of anxiety

not knowing if my mom is okay.

And it just hit me really hard when I was splitting wood.

It just...

just stopped me dead in my tracks.

It just, like, took my breath.

I couldn't...

I couldn't pick up my ax for another swing.

I just couldn't do it.

I still haven't done it. My ax is still laying there.

♪ ♪

How is she doing? I have no idea.

Is she back in the hospital?

I have no idea.

Like, how did those treatments go?

I have no idea.

Made me promise I'd stay.

And not go back home.

I don't know if I can do that.

♪ ♪

I mean, the cancer's in her brain.

♪ ♪

They said it can't be beaten.

She had,

like, up to a year prognosis.

Maybe even a couple more months,

the doctor said.

She's probably doing fine.

♪ ♪

But, you know.

Sudden things can happen.

You know, her getting sick was sudden.

It was instant.

It was like, "Mom's fine."

Like, nobody knew nothing.

"Mom's 100%,"

and all of a sudden, it was like,

Mom gets rushed to the hospital.

Something's very wrong.

♪ ♪

And I remember talking to her...

When they were wheeling her out of the ambulance

towards the emergency room doors.

♪ ♪

That was tough.

♪ ♪

Even if she's 100% right now...

Everything's not fine.

♪ ♪

I don't know.

I really don't know why I'm here.

I don't know.

♪ ♪

I have a lot of anxiety

not knowing if my mom is okay.

How is she doing? I have no idea.

I don't know.

I really don't know why I'm here.

I'm just trading

more time

at home

for time here.

And it's just--

it just seems wrong.

I can sit here and keep living off the land.

It's like, I can just keep doing that.

And--for what?

For more enjoyment?

For more money?

♪ ♪

No.

No.

♪ ♪

I'm her son.

It's my mother.

♪ ♪

And I know in my heart...

I need to go see her.

I'm done.

I want to go home.

♪ ♪

I need to see my mom, man.

You know?

And I know it.

So, when you know these things,

you know these things.

Period.

♪ ♪

When you think for as long as I have,

out here in the woods, alone,

for this many days,

it changes you.

I mean, it changes you.

I am not the same person.

I just can't wait to get back home

to make people's lives better.

To make people happy.

To take the weight off of people's shoulders.

To lighten their step.

I can't wait to do that.

♪ ♪

The frustration is kind of kicking in a little bit.

I'm getting a little more-- just cranky, I guess.

♪ ♪

You just get to the point where you're--

You just...

Don't want to be out here anymore.

I set my mind to come in here and survive,

and do this thing,

and that's what I'm doing.

And part of me's like, "Man,

how long do you want to do it?"

You know?

You're sick of it. You're sick of it raining.

You're sick of the wind just pounding on your shelter.

I'm just sick of it all.

♪ ♪

Ugh. This place, you know.

Uh, starting to hate it.

I could make a phone call right now...

And say, "Hey,

I'm tapping out. I'm done with this."

This is just not fun anymore.

I'm ready to go home.

I guess what I'm waiting on

is to hit a wall.

To just kind of come to a point--

either, I don't know,

physically, mentally, or whatever--

to where I just--

"I'm done."

I really, really want to just get out of here and...

♪ ♪

Get warm and get dry.

And get food.

And talk to my family.

So I guess I'm gonna just keep driving on

until I can't drive on.

You know?

I'm not real big into quitting, anyway.

Most things that I do, I don't quit at,

I just...

get it done.

This is not good right now.

♪ ♪

But you know what?

That doesn't matter, because sometimes...

Like, sometimes in your life,

you're just gonna want to quit.

Things aren't gonna just be happy.

It's not always just gonna be sunshine and roses

every single day.

Bad things are gonna happen.

So even though I might want

to just go be comfortable right now,

absolutely no part of me is tapping out.

That's a fact.

They'll either come and get me one day

and say, "Okay, you're done. You can stop now."

Or they'll medevac me out of here.

I just don't believe in quitting.

I don't-- I just don't quit.

Absolutely no quit in me.

I'm a tough Nebraska dude.

♪ ♪

I'm not quitting.

I'm not giving up.

I'm staying here no matter what.

When you don't have any food,

you just kind of--

it's like you're walking in a mental fog.

Wow.

Shoot, I look really bad.

It just keeps getting worse and worse.

This is bad.

Weather has just been terrible.

It's been high winds, hurricane force.

I haven't taped anything in three days

'cause there's nothing to tape other than me just sitting here.

This is the toughest thing I've ever had to do in my life.

This place has just beaten the crap out of me.

I still honestly don't know how long I have.

I can just go home.