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1
00:00:15,344 --> 00:00:16,878
Guys,
I'm pretty sure I just saw a cougar
2
00:00:16,911 --> 00:00:18,713
about ten feet
from my front door.
3
00:00:18,746 --> 00:00:20,581
Just me and you.
4
00:00:20,614 --> 00:00:22,216
And you're a camera.
5
00:00:22,249 --> 00:00:23,217
Right?
6
00:00:23,250 --> 00:00:24,585
I'm all alone right now.
7
00:00:24,618 --> 00:00:26,153
I want to build
a whole new shelter.
8
00:00:26,186 --> 00:00:27,153
It's imperative.
9
00:00:27,186 --> 00:00:28,455
Then I can be warm
and cook my food
10
00:00:28,488 --> 00:00:29,689
and have the rain off me.
11
00:00:29,722 --> 00:00:30,724
That's huge.
12
00:00:30,757 --> 00:00:32,325
Just kind of in a rut now,
13
00:00:32,358 --> 00:00:33,627
so it's like,
"What's left to prove?"
14
00:00:33,660 --> 00:00:35,061
You know?
15
00:00:35,094 --> 00:00:36,963
I'd rather be home reading
a book to my kids right now.
16
00:00:36,996 --> 00:00:38,364
Just started losing it.
17
00:00:38,397 --> 00:00:39,832
At this point,
I just want to go home.
18
00:00:39,865 --> 00:00:41,567
So sick of this place.
19
00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:44,470
Sick.
Sick of it. Sick of it.
20
00:00:44,503 --> 00:00:45,804
So sick of it.
21
00:00:45,837 --> 00:00:47,806
This is gonna be a bitch.
22
00:00:47,839 --> 00:00:49,841
We have to film it,
and we're totally alone.
23
00:00:49,874 --> 00:00:51,309
Nobody knows what it's like here
24
00:00:51,342 --> 00:00:52,977
except for the ten guys out here
doing it.
25
00:00:53,010 --> 00:00:54,045
Time to get shelter.
26
00:00:54,078 --> 00:00:55,413
There's nobody here but me.
27
00:00:55,446 --> 00:00:57,282
It's just so
hard doing this alone.
28
00:00:57,315 --> 00:00:59,349
I'm scared to death right now.
29
00:00:59,382 --> 00:01:00,651
I feel like I'm starving.
30
00:01:03,119 --> 00:01:04,187
Pretty sure I just saw a cougar.
31
00:01:04,220 --> 00:01:05,856
Oh,.
32
00:01:05,889 --> 00:01:08,892
The last man
standing wins $500,000.
33
00:01:08,925 --> 00:01:10,927
I don't want to go home.
I want to win.
34
00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:12,695
This is the
chance in a lifetime,
35
00:01:12,728 --> 00:01:15,365
but it's not worth dying over.
36
00:01:20,935 --> 00:01:28,877
♪ ♪
37
00:01:39,987 --> 00:01:41,121
Hello.
38
00:01:41,154 --> 00:01:43,923
I haven't filmed anything
for a few days,
39
00:01:43,956 --> 00:01:47,927
because life has just
been that bad here.
40
00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:49,329
The weather's terrible.
41
00:01:49,362 --> 00:01:52,631
My body is just kind of shot.
42
00:01:52,664 --> 00:01:54,766
All I've done is laid still,
43
00:01:54,799 --> 00:01:57,302
and...
44
00:01:57,335 --> 00:01:59,271
when I stand up,
I feel dizzy.
45
00:01:59,304 --> 00:02:01,073
I don't know what
I'm trying to adjust to--
46
00:02:01,106 --> 00:02:05,376
if it's food or what.
47
00:02:05,409 --> 00:02:07,645
But between the inactivity
and just being laid up,
48
00:02:07,678 --> 00:02:09,747
there's been nothing
to talk about.
49
00:02:09,779 --> 00:02:11,182
♪ ♪
50
00:02:11,215 --> 00:02:13,684
Food is what's
on my mind right now.
51
00:02:13,717 --> 00:02:16,152
Morale and psychology,
m'yeh.
52
00:02:16,185 --> 00:02:17,787
They're there.
53
00:02:17,820 --> 00:02:19,856
They fluctuate.
54
00:02:19,889 --> 00:02:23,159
But the food thing...
55
00:02:23,192 --> 00:02:25,594
been a bit lean
the past few days.
56
00:02:25,627 --> 00:02:27,162
When I stand up, it's like--
57
00:02:33,235 --> 00:02:35,570
I'm gonna have to go get
some hemlock bark at some point,
58
00:02:35,603 --> 00:02:38,172
'cause I'm gonna need some kind
of starch or carbohydrate,
59
00:02:38,205 --> 00:02:39,173
'cause it's just like--
60
00:02:39,206 --> 00:02:40,608
my energy level has dropped
61
00:02:40,641 --> 00:02:42,944
and I have to will myself
to pick my foot up to walk.
62
00:02:42,977 --> 00:02:45,580
It's like,
"Move! Come on, move!
63
00:02:45,613 --> 00:02:47,180
I know you can do it."
64
00:02:47,213 --> 00:02:49,116
And you're sitting there,
and, like, "Oh!
65
00:02:49,149 --> 00:02:50,384
There's a step."
66
00:02:50,417 --> 00:02:51,718
So when you get that tired,
67
00:02:51,751 --> 00:02:53,587
something's missing.
68
00:02:53,620 --> 00:02:56,456
You cannot maintain
this kingdom of manhood,
69
00:02:56,489 --> 00:02:58,724
this temple of testosterone,
70
00:02:58,757 --> 00:03:00,026
on seaweed alone.
71
00:03:00,059 --> 00:03:01,394
Can't be done.
72
00:03:01,427 --> 00:03:04,697
I've been looking around
for slugs, anything, you know--
73
00:03:04,730 --> 00:03:06,032
better food,
74
00:03:06,065 --> 00:03:07,966
'cause I was starting
to feel the loop-dee-doos.
75
00:03:07,999 --> 00:03:10,435
♪ ♪
76
00:03:10,468 --> 00:03:12,337
Because of the tides,
77
00:03:12,370 --> 00:03:15,640
I've not been able
to do anything about food.
78
00:03:15,673 --> 00:03:17,308
I've not been able
to check my fish trap
79
00:03:17,341 --> 00:03:19,777
because I know I need
to do some work on it.
80
00:03:19,810 --> 00:03:23,414
I've not been able
to look at the gillnet.
81
00:03:23,447 --> 00:03:26,483
I've not been able to do many
things that I need to do,
82
00:03:26,516 --> 00:03:29,819
because the tides have all
been happening at nighttime.
83
00:03:29,852 --> 00:03:33,990
It's been very, very hard on me.
84
00:03:34,023 --> 00:03:36,059
Past four days
have really taken a toll.
85
00:03:36,092 --> 00:03:37,260
Really have.
86
00:03:37,293 --> 00:03:40,562
Not much ingestion
other than just run down,
87
00:03:40,595 --> 00:03:43,331
get a handful of seaweed,
which, I mean, you know,
88
00:03:43,364 --> 00:03:44,866
that's just something
in your stomach
89
00:03:44,899 --> 00:03:47,069
to say, "Okay, don't die."
90
00:03:47,102 --> 00:03:49,971
So, that's that.
91
00:03:50,004 --> 00:03:51,439
And hopefully
I'll find something--
92
00:03:51,472 --> 00:03:53,107
insects.
93
00:03:53,140 --> 00:03:55,042
Slow-moving hikers.
94
00:03:55,075 --> 00:03:56,811
Anything.
95
00:03:56,844 --> 00:03:58,312
Stray dog.
96
00:03:58,345 --> 00:04:00,681
Cat. Rat.
97
00:04:00,714 --> 00:04:02,982
Wishing for a German
chocolate cake.
98
00:04:03,015 --> 00:04:04,184
I'm gonna find some--hey--
99
00:04:04,217 --> 00:04:05,585
when I get out of here,
I'm gonna find a German
100
00:04:05,618 --> 00:04:06,786
and say, "Excuse me.
101
00:04:06,819 --> 00:04:08,421
Could you
make me a cake, please?"
102
00:04:08,454 --> 00:04:10,523
I couldn't help
but notice you were German.
103
00:04:10,556 --> 00:04:13,425
I love what you've
done with the cake.
104
00:04:13,458 --> 00:04:16,095
But, yeah, it's just--
it's that kind of deal,
105
00:04:16,128 --> 00:04:18,163
and I'm wondering,
"How long do I want to do this?"
106
00:04:18,196 --> 00:04:19,932
You know?
You start thinking about home.
107
00:04:19,965 --> 00:04:22,800
You start thinking about--
just stuff.
108
00:04:22,833 --> 00:04:26,104
I mean, I've done everything
I came out here to do
109
00:04:26,137 --> 00:04:27,939
and feel like I've done it well,
110
00:04:27,972 --> 00:04:30,408
but it's like, "How long
you want to keep going, bud?"
111
00:04:30,441 --> 00:04:32,410
Like, "I don't know."
112
00:04:32,443 --> 00:04:33,677
Just whenever.
113
00:04:33,710 --> 00:04:35,011
I guess I'll know
when the time's right.
114
00:04:35,044 --> 00:04:36,446
Whenever I say,
"Enough's enough,"
115
00:04:36,479 --> 00:04:39,583
I'll sally forth.
116
00:04:39,616 --> 00:04:41,251
Sashay. Saunter.
117
00:04:41,284 --> 00:04:42,252
Gallop.
118
00:04:42,285 --> 00:04:45,421
Frolic my way out of here.
119
00:04:45,454 --> 00:04:48,224
So, that's where we are.
120
00:04:50,359 --> 00:04:58,300
♪ ♪
121
00:05:04,972 --> 00:05:07,474
♪ ♪
122
00:05:07,507 --> 00:05:15,449
♪ Oh ♪
123
00:05:22,321 --> 00:05:30,262
♪ Ah ♪
124
00:05:32,163 --> 00:05:35,600
Been out
here for about a month now.
125
00:05:35,633 --> 00:05:39,036
I haven't gone too crazy,
or I already am.
126
00:05:39,069 --> 00:05:41,071
♪ ♪
127
00:05:41,104 --> 00:05:43,807
It doesn't sound like a long
time when I think about it,
128
00:05:43,840 --> 00:05:46,210
'cause it's just one month,
129
00:05:46,243 --> 00:05:47,978
but the reality is
is that it feels
130
00:05:48,011 --> 00:05:49,979
like many different experiences.
131
00:05:50,012 --> 00:05:51,981
♪ ♪
132
00:05:52,014 --> 00:05:55,018
So many.
133
00:05:55,051 --> 00:05:57,687
I've made, like,
two or three different shelters.
134
00:05:57,720 --> 00:05:59,521
That thing that looks like
it's on fire in the background
135
00:05:59,554 --> 00:06:02,224
is really just my smoky teepee.
136
00:06:02,257 --> 00:06:04,826
Just a nice lean-to
with a flat top
137
00:06:04,859 --> 00:06:06,295
that provides me a workspace,
138
00:06:06,328 --> 00:06:07,296
a fire...
139
00:06:09,164 --> 00:06:11,999
I built here.
140
00:06:12,032 --> 00:06:14,302
Got my boat operational.
141
00:06:14,335 --> 00:06:15,870
Found clams.
142
00:06:15,903 --> 00:06:17,972
Just trying to catch fish.
143
00:06:18,005 --> 00:06:20,208
Built an instrument.
144
00:06:20,241 --> 00:06:21,942
This has just been a wild ride.
145
00:06:21,975 --> 00:06:25,845
You know, the isolation,
146
00:06:25,878 --> 00:06:28,148
the not-steady diet,
147
00:06:28,181 --> 00:06:30,550
the lack of full calories.
148
00:06:30,583 --> 00:06:33,219
Not eating,
filming myself doing this all,
149
00:06:33,252 --> 00:06:34,620
dragging around camera equipment
150
00:06:34,653 --> 00:06:36,522
and building, making, doing.
151
00:06:36,555 --> 00:06:37,656
Trying to stay warm.
152
00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:38,657
Trying to stay healthy.
153
00:06:38,690 --> 00:06:40,326
Trying not to get sick.
154
00:06:40,359 --> 00:06:43,228
Trying to find medicine.
155
00:06:43,261 --> 00:06:44,929
And then--
156
00:06:44,962 --> 00:06:47,131
and then the working
with your past
157
00:06:47,164 --> 00:06:48,333
and working with your present
158
00:06:48,366 --> 00:06:49,567
and working with your future.
159
00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:51,936
You know, my past is coming up.
160
00:06:51,969 --> 00:06:53,070
It's already come up.
161
00:06:53,103 --> 00:06:54,605
Still comes up.
162
00:06:54,638 --> 00:06:57,007
My relationships
with people I used to have
163
00:06:57,040 --> 00:06:59,376
and still have, and...
164
00:06:59,409 --> 00:07:01,245
making peace with all of that.
165
00:07:01,278 --> 00:07:03,512
You know, and...
166
00:07:03,545 --> 00:07:05,881
making peace with being alone.
167
00:07:05,914 --> 00:07:08,818
This has just been...
168
00:07:08,851 --> 00:07:11,053
it's unlike anything
I've ever experienced.
169
00:07:11,086 --> 00:07:12,321
I can't run away.
170
00:07:12,354 --> 00:07:14,689
I can't stress that enough.
171
00:07:14,722 --> 00:07:16,324
I have to look at my life.
172
00:07:16,357 --> 00:07:18,526
I have to look
at how I feel about things.
173
00:07:18,559 --> 00:07:20,428
I can't stuff the emotion away
174
00:07:20,461 --> 00:07:22,797
with something else.
175
00:07:22,830 --> 00:07:24,566
I can't stuff it away with food,
176
00:07:24,599 --> 00:07:31,238
or with
another relationship, or...
177
00:07:31,271 --> 00:07:33,907
with a phone
or with an internet
178
00:07:33,940 --> 00:07:35,808
or with an activity.
179
00:07:35,841 --> 00:07:38,411
I have to look at it.
180
00:07:38,444 --> 00:07:40,813
And yesterday, I broke down.
181
00:07:40,846 --> 00:07:42,548
I broke down and I wailed.
182
00:07:42,581 --> 00:07:44,284
I wailed in the forest again.
183
00:07:44,317 --> 00:07:46,685
Just--
184
00:07:46,718 --> 00:07:47,686
And it's amazing,
185
00:07:47,719 --> 00:07:50,222
'cause you can cry in the forest
186
00:07:50,255 --> 00:07:51,523
and nobody can hear you,
187
00:07:51,556 --> 00:07:53,959
and you can just,
"Rahhh!"
188
00:07:53,992 --> 00:07:55,160
Let it out, man.
189
00:07:55,193 --> 00:07:57,194
You can just yell.
190
00:07:57,227 --> 00:07:59,030
You can just yell.
191
00:07:59,063 --> 00:08:02,233
And I did for a little bit.
192
00:08:02,266 --> 00:08:05,169
And most of the time,
I'm concerned about...
193
00:08:05,202 --> 00:08:07,238
my prestige
or position in the world,
194
00:08:07,271 --> 00:08:09,673
or getting ahead,
or being somebody.
195
00:08:09,706 --> 00:08:12,342
Maybe it's 'cause I wasn't
really great at sports,
196
00:08:12,375 --> 00:08:13,977
or I wasn't really
a great artist,
197
00:08:14,010 --> 00:08:15,445
I wasn't really
a great musician,
198
00:08:15,478 --> 00:08:17,881
and I really wasn't
great at anything.
199
00:08:17,914 --> 00:08:20,182
♪ ♪
200
00:08:20,215 --> 00:08:21,283
You know,
a lot of this, I think,
201
00:08:21,316 --> 00:08:23,319
is just accepting who I am
202
00:08:23,352 --> 00:08:24,853
at 32.
203
00:08:24,886 --> 00:08:28,290
It's like a pre-midlife
crisis or something.
204
00:08:28,323 --> 00:08:30,458
I don't know.
205
00:08:30,491 --> 00:08:33,428
Damn it, I wish I was stronger.
206
00:08:33,461 --> 00:08:36,130
I just don't know
if I got it in me.
207
00:08:37,264 --> 00:08:41,501
♪ ♪
208
00:08:43,503 --> 00:08:46,073
Oh.
209
00:08:50,976 --> 00:08:58,918
♪ ♪
210
00:09:06,524 --> 00:09:09,527
None of the traps
were triggered last night.
211
00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:12,262
I am so hungry,
212
00:09:12,295 --> 00:09:15,866
and it's just wearing on me.
213
00:09:15,899 --> 00:09:21,338
So today, I said I am going
to try to hunt something.
214
00:09:21,371 --> 00:09:23,272
I'm gonna go ahead
and take the bow
215
00:09:23,305 --> 00:09:25,541
into the enchanted
forest back here.
216
00:09:25,574 --> 00:09:29,045
See if we can't
find ourself some squirrel.
217
00:09:29,078 --> 00:09:30,913
When you bowhunt in Nebraska,
218
00:09:30,946 --> 00:09:32,081
you get your bow,
219
00:09:32,114 --> 00:09:33,515
and you set up on a deer trail,
220
00:09:33,548 --> 00:09:35,550
and you wait
for the deer to come.
221
00:09:35,583 --> 00:09:37,886
And when it gets
to 15 or 20 yards,
222
00:09:37,919 --> 00:09:39,755
you shoot it.
223
00:09:39,788 --> 00:09:41,089
On Vancouver Island,
224
00:09:41,122 --> 00:09:42,190
I see nothing.
225
00:09:42,223 --> 00:09:43,425
No little animals.
226
00:09:43,458 --> 00:09:45,292
No medium-sized game,
227
00:09:45,325 --> 00:09:46,894
like raccoons.
228
00:09:46,927 --> 00:09:49,029
I haven't seen
a single porcupine.
229
00:09:49,062 --> 00:09:50,498
There's nothing to get.
230
00:09:50,531 --> 00:09:52,300
There's not even
any rabbits out here.
231
00:09:54,334 --> 00:09:57,937
This is totally just a last
ditch effort to get some food.
232
00:09:57,970 --> 00:09:59,372
I don't care if it's mouse
233
00:09:59,405 --> 00:10:01,474
or if it's a worm.
234
00:10:01,507 --> 00:10:03,443
I just want something edible.
235
00:10:03,476 --> 00:10:05,078
If I don't eat,
236
00:10:05,111 --> 00:10:06,845
I'm gonna die.
237
00:10:06,878 --> 00:10:14,820
♪ ♪
238
00:10:23,394 --> 00:10:25,029
What is that?
239
00:10:33,303 --> 00:10:41,244
♪ ♪
240
00:10:49,851 --> 00:10:52,620
I'm gonna go out and hunt.
241
00:10:52,653 --> 00:10:55,423
♪ ♪
242
00:10:55,456 --> 00:10:57,592
Find ourself some squirrel.
243
00:10:57,625 --> 00:11:05,566
♪ ♪
244
00:11:10,135 --> 00:11:11,304
What is that?
245
00:11:16,709 --> 00:11:19,712
Just missed him.
246
00:11:19,745 --> 00:11:20,913
Man.
247
00:11:23,882 --> 00:11:24,950
This sucks.
248
00:11:26,885 --> 00:11:29,955
♪ ♪
249
00:11:29,988 --> 00:11:31,922
So...
250
00:11:31,955 --> 00:11:33,057
I do have a mouse
251
00:11:33,090 --> 00:11:35,392
that I caught
in the traps this morning.
252
00:11:35,425 --> 00:11:37,795
So I'll eat that.
253
00:11:37,828 --> 00:11:39,730
Other than that, though,
254
00:11:39,763 --> 00:11:41,499
pretty hungry.
255
00:11:41,532 --> 00:11:44,534
♪ ♪
256
00:11:44,567 --> 00:11:47,504
Things are just going south
257
00:11:47,537 --> 00:11:50,473
really, really fast.
258
00:11:52,141 --> 00:11:58,413
♪ ♪
259
00:11:58,446 --> 00:12:00,816
Dear Lord,
thank you for this day.
260
00:12:00,849 --> 00:12:05,319
Thank you for the mice
you've blessed me with.
261
00:12:05,352 --> 00:12:10,958
Help me to not feel down when
I do have failures out here,
262
00:12:10,991 --> 00:12:12,894
and thank you
for every small success
263
00:12:12,927 --> 00:12:14,361
that I've had out here, Lord.
264
00:12:14,394 --> 00:12:16,463
♪ ♪
265
00:12:16,496 --> 00:12:17,431
Amen.
266
00:12:37,348 --> 00:12:40,051
It's at first light.
267
00:12:40,084 --> 00:12:42,320
The wind is blowing
268
00:12:42,353 --> 00:12:43,855
in such a way--
269
00:12:43,888 --> 00:12:46,590
I would estimate 60,
270
00:12:46,623 --> 00:12:48,325
maybe 65 miles an hour.
271
00:12:48,358 --> 00:12:50,894
It's that intense.
272
00:12:50,927 --> 00:12:52,229
You can hear the wind.
273
00:12:52,262 --> 00:12:54,598
I'm gonna put on socks and boots
274
00:12:54,631 --> 00:12:57,600
and walk down and just kind of
see where the tide's at here.
275
00:12:57,633 --> 00:12:59,402
This is kind of
near first light.
276
00:12:59,435 --> 00:13:01,571
So I just want to look
and see kind of where it is.
277
00:13:01,604 --> 00:13:04,073
I might grab some seaweed.
I'm pretty hungry.
278
00:13:04,106 --> 00:13:06,375
And if it's low enough
and something's in the gillnet,
279
00:13:06,408 --> 00:13:08,410
I'll cut it up
and throw it in the pot
280
00:13:08,443 --> 00:13:10,946
or--just anything
I can find, really,
281
00:13:10,979 --> 00:13:13,181
'cause it looks like I'm
gonna be laid in again today,
282
00:13:13,214 --> 00:13:16,184
because this weather
is pretty foul.
283
00:13:16,217 --> 00:13:18,386
Not gonna take
my pot or my knife,
284
00:13:18,418 --> 00:13:20,254
'cause I got
rainwater in the pot
285
00:13:20,287 --> 00:13:21,455
that has collected overnight.
286
00:13:21,488 --> 00:13:23,491
I've got to funnel it
into my gallon.
287
00:13:28,695 --> 00:13:30,330
My feet feel numb.
288
00:13:34,133 --> 00:13:36,469
The pins and needles.
Achy, but kind of numb.
289
00:13:38,471 --> 00:13:42,774
Yeah, the gillnet's not gonna be
where I can get to it anyway.
290
00:13:42,807 --> 00:13:44,876
There's a lot
of chop on the water.
291
00:13:44,909 --> 00:13:46,678
Wasn't even worth
getting out here, really,
292
00:13:46,711 --> 00:13:48,847
but I felt like
I needed to come look.
293
00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:50,215
So, at first light,
294
00:13:50,248 --> 00:13:53,384
the gillnet is,
like, half exposed.
295
00:13:53,417 --> 00:13:57,888
So, in the next
two to three days,
296
00:13:57,921 --> 00:14:00,024
it'll be optimal
to come out at first light
297
00:14:00,057 --> 00:14:01,825
and check the gillnet,
298
00:14:01,858 --> 00:14:04,060
and I can start feeding again,
299
00:14:04,093 --> 00:14:07,030
'cause I'm not very well
nourished right now,
300
00:14:07,063 --> 00:14:08,031
just to be honest with you.
301
00:14:08,064 --> 00:14:09,032
I've not--
302
00:14:09,065 --> 00:14:10,600
I've not eaten,
303
00:14:10,633 --> 00:14:13,702
past couple of days,
like I need to.
304
00:14:13,735 --> 00:14:15,571
It's been very minimal.
305
00:14:15,604 --> 00:14:18,107
Just enough to stay alive.
306
00:14:18,140 --> 00:14:20,376
Just some seaweed, you know?
307
00:14:20,409 --> 00:14:21,877
Couple limpets here and there.
308
00:14:21,910 --> 00:14:23,811
So I'm gonna come down here
and get some seaweed,
309
00:14:23,844 --> 00:14:25,680
'cause I've got to keep going.
310
00:14:25,713 --> 00:14:29,751
I can't just totally
neglect my nutrition.
311
00:14:29,784 --> 00:14:31,252
I feel like I'm starving.
312
00:14:34,688 --> 00:14:36,923
Hey, here's some...
313
00:14:36,956 --> 00:14:39,359
here's some bull kelp.
314
00:14:39,392 --> 00:14:40,861
Yeah.
315
00:14:40,894 --> 00:14:43,530
Better look at this up close.
316
00:14:43,563 --> 00:14:47,867
It's got some
fungus growing on it.
317
00:14:47,900 --> 00:14:51,237
But I'm gonna wash it off
and go for it anyway.
318
00:14:51,270 --> 00:14:53,005
It's not too bad.
319
00:14:53,038 --> 00:15:00,111
♪ ♪
320
00:15:00,144 --> 00:15:01,880
Yeah. It's not bad.
321
00:15:01,913 --> 00:15:07,051
♪ ♪
322
00:15:07,084 --> 00:15:08,719
It's nutrition, anyway.
323
00:15:08,752 --> 00:15:15,125
♪ ♪
324
00:15:15,158 --> 00:15:17,427
Now I'm gonna go
for some bladder wrack.
325
00:15:17,460 --> 00:15:21,497
♪ ♪
326
00:15:21,530 --> 00:15:23,266
Then I'm gonna go lay back in.
327
00:15:25,801 --> 00:15:28,136
'Cause this weather
is not the kind of weather
328
00:15:28,169 --> 00:15:29,604
you want to be out in.
329
00:15:29,637 --> 00:15:35,977
♪ ♪
330
00:15:36,010 --> 00:15:37,379
All right.
Back to bed.
331
00:15:38,579 --> 00:15:39,981
Back in the house I go.
332
00:15:41,181 --> 00:15:49,122
♪ ♪
333
00:15:57,363 --> 00:16:05,304
♪ ♪
334
00:16:21,718 --> 00:16:23,420
At first,
I really wanted to win,
335
00:16:23,453 --> 00:16:25,188
because I didn't want
to look like a failure,
336
00:16:25,221 --> 00:16:27,591
and that was like
my own personal battle
337
00:16:27,624 --> 00:16:29,426
with insecurity.
338
00:16:29,459 --> 00:16:31,560
Just being insecure
and being worried
339
00:16:31,593 --> 00:16:33,362
about what people think of me.
340
00:16:33,395 --> 00:16:34,663
Now I'm over it.
341
00:16:34,696 --> 00:16:36,499
I've done some
cool stuff out here
342
00:16:36,532 --> 00:16:37,633
that I'm proud of--
343
00:16:37,666 --> 00:16:38,868
that I'm proud of--
344
00:16:38,901 --> 00:16:41,003
and hopefully my family
and friends are proud of.
345
00:16:41,036 --> 00:16:46,040
♪ ♪
346
00:16:46,073 --> 00:16:47,342
When you start worrying about
347
00:16:47,375 --> 00:16:49,744
how good you are
compared to other people,
348
00:16:49,777 --> 00:16:50,745
you'll never win.
349
00:16:50,778 --> 00:16:52,313
You'll never win at anything.
350
00:16:52,346 --> 00:16:55,849
♪ ♪
351
00:16:55,882 --> 00:16:58,152
Being here gave me
the opportunity
352
00:16:58,185 --> 00:16:59,620
to reflect upon my life
353
00:16:59,653 --> 00:17:02,689
in a way that I've never had
a chance to reflect upon it.
354
00:17:02,722 --> 00:17:05,658
I realize that for me, there's
something bigger going on here.
355
00:17:05,691 --> 00:17:08,394
Something bigger going on
that wasn't about the money.
356
00:17:08,427 --> 00:17:09,395
Wasn't about the pride.
357
00:17:09,428 --> 00:17:11,230
Wasn't about being number one.
358
00:17:11,263 --> 00:17:14,200
♪ ♪
359
00:17:28,979 --> 00:17:31,282
Okay.
360
00:17:31,315 --> 00:17:33,050
There's a point
where you just got to go.
361
00:17:36,219 --> 00:17:39,189
Okay.
362
00:17:39,222 --> 00:17:47,163
♪ ♪
363
00:18:02,276 --> 00:18:03,744
All right.
Let's do this.
364
00:18:03,777 --> 00:18:06,414
♪ ♪
365
00:18:06,447 --> 00:18:09,316
All right.
366
00:18:09,349 --> 00:18:10,417
I'm making the call.
367
00:18:10,450 --> 00:18:12,719
It's time.
368
00:18:12,752 --> 00:18:13,720
I'm done.
369
00:18:13,753 --> 00:18:20,793
♪ ♪
370
00:18:20,826 --> 00:18:22,862
You know, I was trying to win,
371
00:18:22,895 --> 00:18:24,797
and I let that go.
372
00:18:24,830 --> 00:18:30,435
♪ ♪
373
00:18:30,468 --> 00:18:33,638
I came in here
with two intentions:
374
00:18:33,671 --> 00:18:35,373
to see if I could win,
375
00:18:35,406 --> 00:18:37,976
and I also came
in here to experience
376
00:18:38,009 --> 00:18:40,277
being alone in the wilderness
377
00:18:40,310 --> 00:18:41,678
and to see what I could do
378
00:18:41,711 --> 00:18:43,147
and see what it'd be like.
379
00:18:44,347 --> 00:18:46,917
And what I found was incredible.
380
00:18:46,950 --> 00:18:49,253
It wasn't just
the physical stuff--
381
00:18:49,286 --> 00:18:50,254
make a shelter,
382
00:18:50,287 --> 00:18:52,421
and put up fish lines,
383
00:18:52,454 --> 00:18:54,490
and find water and boil it.
384
00:18:54,523 --> 00:18:56,359
There was a lot of stuff inside
385
00:18:56,392 --> 00:18:58,895
that came out.
386
00:18:58,928 --> 00:19:00,997
I started to find pieces of me
387
00:19:01,030 --> 00:19:03,899
that I'd never
yet shook hands with.
388
00:19:05,300 --> 00:19:07,402
Little pieces of me
that I didn't want to look at
389
00:19:07,435 --> 00:19:08,770
because they were painful.
390
00:19:09,971 --> 00:19:11,907
And it was hard.
391
00:19:11,940 --> 00:19:15,910
I came in here to see
how far I could go,
392
00:19:15,943 --> 00:19:19,179
and I don't want
to push myself past a point
393
00:19:19,212 --> 00:19:21,482
that I can't come back out of.
394
00:19:24,617 --> 00:19:25,952
I'm tapping out,
395
00:19:25,985 --> 00:19:28,855
because there was a story in me
that needed to be written.
396
00:19:28,888 --> 00:19:30,156
This chapter's done,
397
00:19:30,189 --> 00:19:31,824
and there's another
chapter coming up.
398
00:19:31,857 --> 00:19:33,792
♪ ♪
399
00:19:33,825 --> 00:19:36,528
Those feelings, and that
rawness I touched out here--
400
00:19:36,561 --> 00:19:37,529
that vulnerability--
401
00:19:37,562 --> 00:19:38,797
like, that compassion--
402
00:19:38,830 --> 00:19:40,366
I'm gonna see
if I can take it with me.
403
00:19:42,067 --> 00:19:44,936
I'm going back
with a different sense of me.
404
00:19:44,969 --> 00:19:46,971
A different sense of who I am.
405
00:19:48,772 --> 00:19:50,475
I can't wait.
406
00:19:54,311 --> 00:20:02,252
♪ ♪
407
00:20:14,029 --> 00:20:15,765
Check out what I just found.
408
00:20:17,131 --> 00:20:18,733
I just found a dead sea otter.
409
00:20:19,900 --> 00:20:21,202
Move all the seaweed.
410
00:20:21,235 --> 00:20:24,772
♪ ♪
411
00:20:24,805 --> 00:20:26,374
You know,
the natives in this area
412
00:20:26,407 --> 00:20:28,942
used to highly
prize their pelts.
413
00:20:28,975 --> 00:20:31,078
Wow, man.
414
00:20:31,111 --> 00:20:33,146
His hide might be salvageable.
415
00:20:33,179 --> 00:20:34,548
That'd be pretty cool.
416
00:20:34,581 --> 00:20:36,550
Nice project to work on.
417
00:20:38,083 --> 00:20:40,987
I'd love to have
a sea otter hide back home.
418
00:20:43,922 --> 00:20:50,495
♪ ♪
419
00:20:50,528 --> 00:20:54,366
My biggest fear is not
connecting with the land.
420
00:20:54,399 --> 00:20:57,168
Not having a relationship
with the land.
421
00:20:57,201 --> 00:20:58,636
Not communicating with it.
422
00:20:58,669 --> 00:21:02,239
The land not
communicating with me.
423
00:21:02,272 --> 00:21:04,441
Because when you go to a place,
424
00:21:04,474 --> 00:21:05,676
they have feelings.
425
00:21:05,709 --> 00:21:08,345
You know?
426
00:21:08,378 --> 00:21:09,446
Some places feel sacred.
427
00:21:09,479 --> 00:21:12,548
Some places feel sterile.
428
00:21:12,581 --> 00:21:16,085
♪ ♪
429
00:21:16,118 --> 00:21:19,055
Sometimes the land
just rejects you.
430
00:21:19,088 --> 00:21:20,623
The person perishes.
431
00:21:20,656 --> 00:21:22,124
Their boat sinks.
432
00:21:22,157 --> 00:21:24,559
Their dogsled team dies.
433
00:21:24,592 --> 00:21:25,560
Everything happens,
434
00:21:25,593 --> 00:21:27,496
and, like, they die.
435
00:21:27,529 --> 00:21:29,865
If, like,
you keep wandering places
436
00:21:29,898 --> 00:21:31,233
and not finding what you need,
437
00:21:31,266 --> 00:21:34,168
it's like the land
doesn't want you there.
438
00:21:34,201 --> 00:21:36,270
Okay.
439
00:21:37,304 --> 00:21:38,939
That was a brutal job.
440
00:21:38,972 --> 00:21:42,143
♪ ♪
441
00:21:42,176 --> 00:21:45,178
It's completely dark right now,
442
00:21:45,211 --> 00:21:48,815
and I had to kind of
hack and pack it.
443
00:21:48,848 --> 00:21:50,450
There's my sea otter hide.
444
00:21:50,483 --> 00:21:53,652
♪ ♪
445
00:21:53,685 --> 00:21:54,620
Oh, that's amazing.
446
00:21:56,888 --> 00:21:57,823
What a gift.
447
00:21:59,391 --> 00:22:07,332
♪ ♪
448
00:22:10,701 --> 00:22:12,103
I'm definitely losing it.
449
00:22:14,038 --> 00:22:15,406
Not good mentally.
450
00:22:17,006 --> 00:22:19,109
I am not good
in the head right now.
451
00:22:19,142 --> 00:22:21,211
♪ ♪
452
00:22:21,244 --> 00:22:22,879
Man.
453
00:22:22,912 --> 00:22:26,148
I just--I'm not used
to feeling this way.
454
00:22:26,181 --> 00:22:27,884
I'm not used to feeling this...
455
00:22:31,120 --> 00:22:32,154
This helpless.
456
00:22:32,187 --> 00:22:34,356
♪ ♪
457
00:22:34,389 --> 00:22:37,325
I've never had
this feeling before.
458
00:22:37,358 --> 00:22:39,160
It's like every time
I'm in the woods,
459
00:22:39,193 --> 00:22:40,995
I'm really happy, but...
460
00:22:41,028 --> 00:22:43,131
♪ ♪
461
00:22:43,164 --> 00:22:46,401
Now, just, how crazy
this whole thing has been
462
00:22:46,434 --> 00:22:47,935
and how difficult it is,
463
00:22:47,968 --> 00:22:51,038
and the fact that I'm
just so isolated out here
464
00:22:51,071 --> 00:22:52,473
and that I...
465
00:22:52,506 --> 00:22:54,775
I just want
to speak to my wife,
466
00:22:54,808 --> 00:22:56,977
and I just want to...
467
00:22:59,445 --> 00:23:01,914
I just want a little
taste of comfort.
468
00:23:01,947 --> 00:23:04,083
You know, not a--
I'm not asking for much.
469
00:23:04,116 --> 00:23:06,819
Just, like, a little--
470
00:23:06,852 --> 00:23:08,487
just something, you know?
471
00:23:10,054 --> 00:23:10,989
Like...
472
00:23:12,423 --> 00:23:13,692
Man.
473
00:23:13,725 --> 00:23:15,561
I'm just getting the crap
beat out of me out here.
474
00:23:17,562 --> 00:23:19,396
It's not something
I can sustain.
475
00:23:19,429 --> 00:23:25,002
♪ ♪
476
00:23:25,035 --> 00:23:26,003
Man.
477
00:23:26,036 --> 00:23:28,639
♪ ♪
478
00:23:28,672 --> 00:23:31,274
There's no way to experience
how tough this is
479
00:23:31,307 --> 00:23:34,744
unless you've actually been
in a situation like this.
480
00:23:36,012 --> 00:23:36,980
Or done this before.
481
00:23:37,013 --> 00:23:39,282
There's no way to explain it.
482
00:23:39,315 --> 00:23:42,151
♪ ♪
483
00:23:42,184 --> 00:23:45,687
It's like your heart's
just getting pounded on.
484
00:23:45,720 --> 00:23:47,689
And you're just
hungry all the time.
485
00:23:47,722 --> 00:23:49,725
All day, you're just hungry.
486
00:23:49,758 --> 00:23:52,126
You just want
a little something to eat.
487
00:23:52,159 --> 00:23:54,128
Even, like, a...
488
00:23:54,161 --> 00:23:56,898
like a handful
of just plain flour
489
00:23:56,931 --> 00:23:58,733
I'd take right now.
490
00:23:58,766 --> 00:24:00,969
Just, like, a little something.
491
00:24:02,235 --> 00:24:05,272
Something like an orange
just sounds luxurious.
492
00:24:05,305 --> 00:24:08,542
You just want something.
493
00:24:08,575 --> 00:24:11,011
Something to eat
to get you calories
494
00:24:11,044 --> 00:24:13,779
so that you can
just feel better, but...
495
00:24:15,614 --> 00:24:17,449
There's nothing there for you.
496
00:24:17,482 --> 00:24:21,220
♪ ♪
497
00:24:21,253 --> 00:24:23,388
I just want something.
498
00:24:33,197 --> 00:24:41,138
♪ ♪
499
00:24:49,011 --> 00:24:50,379
All right.
500
00:24:50,412 --> 00:24:51,847
I got suited up.
I got my pot.
501
00:24:51,880 --> 00:24:53,382
I got the fire started,
502
00:24:53,415 --> 00:24:55,984
and I put enough on there
to hopefully keep it going
503
00:24:56,017 --> 00:24:57,786
while I'm gone.
504
00:24:57,819 --> 00:24:59,020
But I went down,
505
00:24:59,053 --> 00:25:01,823
and I was looking kind of
around the gillnet area,
506
00:25:01,856 --> 00:25:03,892
and I saw the gillnet
pop a couple times,
507
00:25:03,925 --> 00:25:05,126
the top line,
508
00:25:05,159 --> 00:25:07,494
which tells me
something's probably in it.
509
00:25:07,527 --> 00:25:08,862
So whatever that takes,
510
00:25:08,895 --> 00:25:10,598
I got to get one meal in.
511
00:25:12,099 --> 00:25:13,634
One meal better than no meal.
512
00:25:13,667 --> 00:25:17,136
♪ ♪
513
00:25:17,169 --> 00:25:18,538
There is one dogfish.
514
00:25:18,571 --> 00:25:20,540
My net was moving for a reason.
515
00:25:27,812 --> 00:25:30,115
Not too shabby.
516
00:25:30,148 --> 00:25:33,018
Not too shabby
of a meal right there.
517
00:25:33,051 --> 00:25:35,153
Two nice fish.
518
00:25:35,186 --> 00:25:36,488
Lot of good vegetables.
519
00:25:36,521 --> 00:25:38,056
Limpets. Mussels.
520
00:25:40,224 --> 00:25:42,827
We're just gonna cap it off
521
00:25:42,860 --> 00:25:44,695
and take that puppy to camp.
522
00:25:44,728 --> 00:25:45,963
And it did start raining,
523
00:25:45,996 --> 00:25:47,365
but now it's backed off again,
524
00:25:47,398 --> 00:25:48,832
so I'm glad I did it.
525
00:25:48,865 --> 00:25:50,467
I hope my fire's still lit.
526
00:25:50,500 --> 00:25:52,535
All I got to do
is bring this to a boil,
527
00:25:52,568 --> 00:25:54,438
and then I'm eating.
528
00:25:57,106 --> 00:25:59,675
Be interested to see
what's happening with the fire.
529
00:26:03,578 --> 00:26:04,813
Yeah. Gone.
530
00:26:04,846 --> 00:26:07,182
Daggum, that fire is gone.
531
00:26:07,215 --> 00:26:09,251
Full, raging fire...
532
00:26:11,419 --> 00:26:13,288
And that's all
that's left--coals.
533
00:26:13,321 --> 00:26:17,158
Walk down to the beach,
come back, it's gone.
534
00:26:17,191 --> 00:26:19,294
That's how fast
this stuff burns.
535
00:26:19,327 --> 00:26:23,130
♪ ♪
536
00:26:23,163 --> 00:26:24,231
I'm running out of time,
537
00:26:24,264 --> 00:26:25,932
but just real quick,
I'll show you.
538
00:26:25,965 --> 00:26:29,536
See, I put those
curly pieces on there.
539
00:26:29,569 --> 00:26:31,104
And when you stoke 'em...
540
00:26:33,238 --> 00:26:35,241
They just come
right back to life.
541
00:26:35,274 --> 00:26:37,276
That's how you
recover your fire.
542
00:26:37,309 --> 00:26:43,281
♪ ♪
543
00:26:43,314 --> 00:26:45,050
See what we got.
544
00:26:45,083 --> 00:26:46,151
Got that going.
545
00:26:46,184 --> 00:26:49,087
♪ ♪
546
00:26:49,120 --> 00:26:51,456
Now I'm just getting
pieces like that,
547
00:26:51,489 --> 00:26:53,657
and I'm setting them in there.
548
00:26:53,690 --> 00:26:55,059
Trying to keep it alive.
549
00:26:55,092 --> 00:26:56,193
Keep it going.
550
00:26:59,262 --> 00:27:02,533
Everything
is a constant struggle.
551
00:27:02,566 --> 00:27:04,300
And with the weather,
I've just had to lay in.
552
00:27:04,333 --> 00:27:05,501
It's been really challenging.
553
00:27:05,534 --> 00:27:07,303
It's like, "Wait. Wait.
554
00:27:07,336 --> 00:27:08,971
Now! Run! Go, get it!"
555
00:27:09,004 --> 00:27:10,573
And you got a hour
to do all these things--
556
00:27:10,606 --> 00:27:12,008
fire, food, clean up, get water,
557
00:27:12,041 --> 00:27:13,476
come back, get it boiling.
558
00:27:17,379 --> 00:27:19,548
Mmm.
559
00:27:19,581 --> 00:27:21,083
Jackpot.
560
00:27:22,584 --> 00:27:24,686
Yeah, these aren't the best
tasting fish in the world,
561
00:27:24,719 --> 00:27:25,686
but...
562
00:27:25,719 --> 00:27:27,121
I'm blessed to have 'em.
563
00:27:29,156 --> 00:27:31,092
'Cause somewhere
in the world right now,
564
00:27:31,125 --> 00:27:33,227
there's somebody
that would give anything
565
00:27:33,260 --> 00:27:35,463
if they could have this meal.
566
00:27:35,496 --> 00:27:36,663
And here comes the rain.
567
00:27:38,331 --> 00:27:40,600
Well, I'll tell you, this place
here will keep you hopping.
568
00:27:44,937 --> 00:27:46,673
Please let that rain hold off.
569
00:27:47,739 --> 00:27:49,241
Give me ten minutes.
570
00:27:49,274 --> 00:27:53,112
♪ ♪
571
00:27:53,145 --> 00:27:54,513
Not gonna happen.
572
00:27:54,546 --> 00:27:58,750
♪ ♪
573
00:27:58,783 --> 00:28:00,718
Oh, well.
574
00:28:00,751 --> 00:28:01,886
I've been wet before.
575
00:28:01,919 --> 00:28:04,088
♪ ♪
576
00:28:04,121 --> 00:28:05,857
Now it's starting
to feel like a storm.
577
00:28:05,890 --> 00:28:12,596
♪ ♪
578
00:28:12,629 --> 00:28:14,965
I got to eat what's left
of this chow with a quickness.
579
00:28:14,998 --> 00:28:20,970
♪ ♪
580
00:28:21,003 --> 00:28:22,271
This is, without a doubt,
581
00:28:22,304 --> 00:28:24,240
some of the worst weather
I've ever lived through.
582
00:28:25,641 --> 00:28:28,944
This place just--ugh.
583
00:28:28,977 --> 00:28:30,945
It changes...
584
00:28:30,978 --> 00:28:32,314
so rapidly.
585
00:28:34,048 --> 00:28:35,784
And sometimes,
it'll toy with you, you know?
586
00:28:35,817 --> 00:28:37,485
It'll look like
it's about to rain,
587
00:28:37,518 --> 00:28:38,553
and it won't.
588
00:28:38,586 --> 00:28:39,954
And then you're looking,
thinking,
589
00:28:39,987 --> 00:28:41,121
"Okay, well, I need to do this,
590
00:28:41,154 --> 00:28:42,289
so I'm gonna get up,"
591
00:28:42,322 --> 00:28:43,957
and by the time
you stick a toe out the door,
592
00:28:43,990 --> 00:28:45,559
"Phew!" Rain.
And then a blizzard.
593
00:28:45,592 --> 00:28:47,461
It's just--wow.
594
00:28:47,494 --> 00:28:48,796
Who can keep up?
595
00:28:56,802 --> 00:29:04,743
♪ ♪
596
00:29:07,545 --> 00:29:09,614
So, I got up at 10:00 today.
597
00:29:09,647 --> 00:29:10,949
Beautiful.
598
00:29:10,982 --> 00:29:13,050
Perfect day.
599
00:29:13,083 --> 00:29:14,752
Ready to take on the world, man.
600
00:29:14,785 --> 00:29:15,953
You know, this is good.
601
00:29:15,986 --> 00:29:17,354
You know, I'm, like,
putting my microphone on
602
00:29:17,387 --> 00:29:18,589
and doing everything
I have to do to film,
603
00:29:18,622 --> 00:29:20,691
and I was gonna
do my intro for the day,
604
00:29:20,724 --> 00:29:22,059
and then I was like...
605
00:29:24,994 --> 00:29:26,496
"No.
606
00:29:26,529 --> 00:29:28,432
I don't want to do
my intro right now."
607
00:29:31,601 --> 00:29:34,102
Just not feeling good
all of a sudden.
608
00:29:34,135 --> 00:29:37,606
♪ ♪
609
00:29:37,639 --> 00:29:39,008
It's amazing...
610
00:29:41,676 --> 00:29:45,680
How quick your
emotions can turn.
611
00:29:45,713 --> 00:29:48,316
♪ ♪
612
00:29:48,349 --> 00:29:50,318
Before I left,
613
00:29:50,351 --> 00:29:51,853
my mom became really sick.
614
00:29:51,886 --> 00:29:54,755
♪ ♪
615
00:29:54,788 --> 00:29:56,723
She was diagnosed with cancer.
616
00:29:56,756 --> 00:29:59,226
♪ ♪
617
00:29:59,259 --> 00:30:00,494
Brain cancer.
618
00:30:00,527 --> 00:30:07,600
♪ ♪
619
00:30:09,635 --> 00:30:12,205
She knew she might not
be there when I get back.
620
00:30:13,505 --> 00:30:14,773
She told me to keep going
621
00:30:14,806 --> 00:30:16,975
if I was here when it happened.
622
00:30:17,008 --> 00:30:19,043
♪ ♪
623
00:30:19,076 --> 00:30:20,612
She made me promise I'd stay.
624
00:30:22,380 --> 00:30:23,715
I don't know if I can do that.
625
00:30:26,317 --> 00:30:34,057
♪ ♪
626
00:30:34,090 --> 00:30:36,760
I think tomorrow is,
like, Thanksgiving.
627
00:30:36,793 --> 00:30:37,928
You know?
628
00:30:37,961 --> 00:30:40,129
But I don't know
if she's gonna be there
629
00:30:40,162 --> 00:30:42,298
when I get back.
630
00:30:42,331 --> 00:30:43,799
'Cause the doctor said
631
00:30:43,832 --> 00:30:45,601
the cancer was very bad.
632
00:30:45,634 --> 00:30:47,470
Prognosis was very short.
633
00:30:47,503 --> 00:30:49,304
♪ ♪
634
00:30:49,337 --> 00:30:53,408
I could lose what time
I have left with her.
635
00:30:53,441 --> 00:30:56,912
I just think maybe
I'm making a mistake.
636
00:30:56,945 --> 00:30:59,713
And I just keep thinking
about how fast it happened.
637
00:30:59,746 --> 00:31:05,352
♪ ♪
638
00:31:05,385 --> 00:31:07,087
I'm not ready to lose my mom.
639
00:31:07,120 --> 00:31:08,989
♪ ♪
640
00:31:09,022 --> 00:31:10,790
I'm just not ready
to lose my mom.
641
00:31:10,823 --> 00:31:18,565
♪ ♪
642
00:31:18,598 --> 00:31:21,034
And the longer I stay here,
643
00:31:21,066 --> 00:31:22,534
it's like more time
away from her,
644
00:31:22,567 --> 00:31:24,136
and I don't get it.
645
00:31:38,182 --> 00:31:46,123
♪ ♪
646
00:31:56,198 --> 00:31:57,466
I am so over it.
647
00:31:57,499 --> 00:32:00,402
The weather--
mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.
648
00:32:00,435 --> 00:32:02,338
There's snow on the ground,
and now it's raining.
649
00:32:02,371 --> 00:32:07,075
So, now we have the combination
of frigid cold and raining.
650
00:32:07,108 --> 00:32:08,877
It's just--wow.
651
00:32:10,845 --> 00:32:13,314
So, I'll be laying here today,
in the bed.
652
00:32:13,347 --> 00:32:16,516
I can't think of any good reason
to get up and get out there.
653
00:32:16,549 --> 00:32:20,387
Just in the time that it takes
me to get out of bed
654
00:32:20,420 --> 00:32:23,490
and go to the door
of my shelter to urinate,
655
00:32:23,523 --> 00:32:25,292
-my hands just--choo!
-- tighten up.
656
00:32:25,325 --> 00:32:27,660
The skin on 'em,
you know, it just--
657
00:32:27,693 --> 00:32:29,061
it's penetrating.
658
00:32:29,094 --> 00:32:31,697
Cold and moisture combined.
659
00:32:31,730 --> 00:32:36,267
So I won't be doing anything
until the weather changes.
660
00:32:36,300 --> 00:32:38,136
I have water laid in,
661
00:32:38,169 --> 00:32:39,938
and that's all
I really need today,
662
00:32:39,971 --> 00:32:42,374
is to lay here
and hydrate, so--
663
00:32:42,407 --> 00:32:44,542
the psychology part
is really kicking in.
664
00:32:44,575 --> 00:32:47,077
I'm really thinking to myself,
665
00:32:47,110 --> 00:32:48,545
"Okay, well,
what are you doing here?
666
00:32:48,578 --> 00:32:50,014
What more is there to do?"
You know?
667
00:32:50,047 --> 00:32:51,649
"You can live here.
668
00:32:51,682 --> 00:32:53,117
"You've came.
669
00:32:53,150 --> 00:32:54,118
"You've done.
670
00:32:54,151 --> 00:32:56,754
"Now--what?
Now what?
671
00:32:56,787 --> 00:32:58,454
Who are you doing
any good out here?"
672
00:32:58,487 --> 00:33:00,390
You know?
I'm not helping anybody.
673
00:33:00,423 --> 00:33:01,591
Not doing anything.
674
00:33:01,624 --> 00:33:03,793
I'm just...
675
00:33:03,826 --> 00:33:05,962
just doing survival stuff,
676
00:33:05,995 --> 00:33:07,463
which I already know I can do,
677
00:33:07,496 --> 00:33:09,231
so it's like,
678
00:33:09,264 --> 00:33:11,400
"Hmm."
679
00:33:11,433 --> 00:33:15,003
Yeah, you start
to think about that.
680
00:33:15,036 --> 00:33:22,977
♪ ♪
681
00:33:32,652 --> 00:33:35,588
I have a lot of anxiety
682
00:33:35,621 --> 00:33:39,092
not knowing if my mom is okay.
683
00:33:39,125 --> 00:33:41,593
And it just hit me really hard
when I was splitting wood.
684
00:33:41,626 --> 00:33:43,195
It just...
685
00:33:43,228 --> 00:33:45,764
just stopped me
dead in my tracks.
686
00:33:45,797 --> 00:33:46,932
It just, like, took my breath.
687
00:33:46,965 --> 00:33:49,201
I couldn't...
688
00:33:49,234 --> 00:33:51,936
I couldn't pick up my ax
for another swing.
689
00:33:55,539 --> 00:33:57,241
I just couldn't do it.
690
00:33:57,274 --> 00:33:59,544
I still haven't done it.
My ax is still laying there.
691
00:34:06,382 --> 00:34:08,018
♪ ♪
692
00:34:08,050 --> 00:34:11,353
How is she doing?
I have no idea.
693
00:34:11,387 --> 00:34:13,256
Is she back in the hospital?
694
00:34:14,790 --> 00:34:15,858
I have no idea.
695
00:34:17,159 --> 00:34:18,928
Like, how did
those treatments go?
696
00:34:18,960 --> 00:34:20,128
I have no idea.
697
00:34:22,029 --> 00:34:25,065
Made me promise I'd stay.
698
00:34:25,099 --> 00:34:26,368
And not go back home.
699
00:34:27,635 --> 00:34:29,070
I don't know if I can do that.
700
00:34:29,103 --> 00:34:33,007
♪ ♪
701
00:34:33,039 --> 00:34:34,540
I mean, the cancer's
in her brain.
702
00:34:34,574 --> 00:34:37,478
♪ ♪
703
00:34:37,511 --> 00:34:40,414
They said it can't be beaten.
704
00:34:40,447 --> 00:34:42,015
She had,
705
00:34:42,047 --> 00:34:43,716
like, up to a year prognosis.
706
00:34:43,750 --> 00:34:44,951
Maybe even a couple more months,
707
00:34:44,984 --> 00:34:47,086
the doctor said.
708
00:34:47,119 --> 00:34:48,688
She's probably doing fine.
709
00:34:48,720 --> 00:34:50,722
♪ ♪
710
00:34:50,756 --> 00:34:52,959
But, you know.
711
00:34:52,992 --> 00:34:54,560
Sudden things can happen.
712
00:34:54,593 --> 00:34:56,828
You know,
her getting sick was sudden.
713
00:34:56,861 --> 00:34:57,963
It was instant.
714
00:34:57,996 --> 00:34:58,964
It was like, "Mom's fine."
715
00:34:58,997 --> 00:35:00,198
Like, nobody knew nothing.
716
00:35:00,231 --> 00:35:01,199
"Mom's 100%,"
717
00:35:01,232 --> 00:35:02,634
and all of a sudden,
it was like,
718
00:35:02,667 --> 00:35:06,037
Mom gets rushed to the hospital.
719
00:35:06,070 --> 00:35:07,538
Something's very wrong.
720
00:35:07,571 --> 00:35:15,513
♪ ♪
721
00:35:17,513 --> 00:35:19,316
And I remember talking to her...
722
00:35:23,920 --> 00:35:26,923
When they were wheeling her
out of the ambulance
723
00:35:26,956 --> 00:35:28,657
towards
the emergency room doors.
724
00:35:28,690 --> 00:35:35,664
♪ ♪
725
00:35:35,697 --> 00:35:37,032
That was tough.
726
00:35:37,065 --> 00:35:45,006
♪ ♪
727
00:35:50,076 --> 00:35:52,379
Even if she's 100% right now...
728
00:35:54,180 --> 00:35:55,649
Everything's not fine.
729
00:35:55,682 --> 00:35:58,485
♪ ♪
730
00:35:58,518 --> 00:35:59,753
I don't know.
731
00:35:59,785 --> 00:36:01,320
I really don't know
why I'm here.
732
00:36:09,094 --> 00:36:12,063
I don't know.
733
00:36:12,096 --> 00:36:20,038
♪ ♪
734
00:36:28,912 --> 00:36:32,114
I have a lot of anxiety
735
00:36:32,147 --> 00:36:34,384
not knowing if my mom is okay.
736
00:36:37,386 --> 00:36:40,756
How is she doing?
I have no idea.
737
00:36:40,789 --> 00:36:42,158
I don't know.
738
00:36:42,191 --> 00:36:44,492
I really don't
know why I'm here.
739
00:36:44,525 --> 00:36:46,928
I'm just trading
740
00:36:46,961 --> 00:36:48,864
more time
741
00:36:48,897 --> 00:36:51,700
at home
742
00:36:51,733 --> 00:36:53,801
for time here.
743
00:36:53,834 --> 00:36:55,769
And it's just--
744
00:36:55,802 --> 00:36:58,572
it just seems wrong.
745
00:36:58,605 --> 00:37:01,375
I can sit here
and keep living off the land.
746
00:37:01,408 --> 00:37:03,143
It's like,
I can just keep doing that.
747
00:37:03,176 --> 00:37:05,378
And--for what?
748
00:37:06,612 --> 00:37:08,314
For more enjoyment?
749
00:37:08,347 --> 00:37:09,916
For more money?
750
00:37:09,949 --> 00:37:15,888
♪ ♪
751
00:37:15,921 --> 00:37:17,256
No.
752
00:37:19,090 --> 00:37:20,592
No.
753
00:37:20,625 --> 00:37:28,099
♪ ♪
754
00:37:28,132 --> 00:37:29,233
I'm her son.
755
00:37:29,266 --> 00:37:30,434
It's my mother.
756
00:37:30,467 --> 00:37:34,372
♪ ♪
757
00:37:34,405 --> 00:37:36,107
And I know in my heart...
758
00:37:38,708 --> 00:37:39,643
I need to go see her.
759
00:38:06,334 --> 00:38:07,369
I'm done.
760
00:38:08,535 --> 00:38:09,803
I want to go home.
761
00:38:10,904 --> 00:38:18,846
♪ ♪
762
00:38:21,647 --> 00:38:23,115
I need to see my mom, man.
763
00:38:23,148 --> 00:38:24,250
You know?
764
00:38:24,283 --> 00:38:25,685
And I know it.
765
00:38:25,718 --> 00:38:28,254
So, when you know these things,
766
00:38:28,287 --> 00:38:30,055
you know these things.
767
00:38:30,088 --> 00:38:31,089
Period.
768
00:38:31,122 --> 00:38:33,224
♪ ♪
769
00:38:33,257 --> 00:38:35,660
When you think
for as long as I have,
770
00:38:35,693 --> 00:38:37,729
out here in the woods,
alone,
771
00:38:37,762 --> 00:38:39,898
for this many days,
772
00:38:39,931 --> 00:38:42,066
it changes you.
773
00:38:42,099 --> 00:38:44,068
I mean, it changes you.
774
00:38:44,101 --> 00:38:46,470
I am not the same person.
775
00:38:46,503 --> 00:38:49,506
I just can't wait
to get back home
776
00:38:49,539 --> 00:38:52,575
to make people's lives better.
777
00:38:52,608 --> 00:38:54,243
To make people happy.
778
00:38:54,276 --> 00:38:57,380
To take the weight
off of people's shoulders.
779
00:38:57,413 --> 00:39:00,116
To lighten their step.
780
00:39:00,149 --> 00:39:01,384
I can't wait to do that.
781
00:39:04,753 --> 00:39:12,695
♪ ♪
782
00:39:29,776 --> 00:39:33,813
The frustration
is kind of kicking in a little bit.
783
00:39:33,846 --> 00:39:36,682
I'm getting a little more--
just cranky, I guess.
784
00:39:36,715 --> 00:39:44,023
♪ ♪
785
00:39:44,056 --> 00:39:46,057
You just get to
the point where you're--
786
00:39:47,425 --> 00:39:48,994
You just...
787
00:39:50,761 --> 00:39:52,730
Don't want to be
out here anymore.
788
00:39:52,763 --> 00:39:55,033
I set my mind to
come in here and survive,
789
00:39:55,066 --> 00:39:56,066
and do this thing,
790
00:39:56,099 --> 00:39:58,468
and that's what I'm doing.
791
00:39:58,501 --> 00:40:00,904
And part of me's like, "Man,
792
00:40:00,937 --> 00:40:02,005
how long do you want to do it?"
793
00:40:02,038 --> 00:40:04,074
You know?
794
00:40:04,107 --> 00:40:08,210
You're sick of it.
You're sick of it raining.
795
00:40:08,243 --> 00:40:11,147
You're sick of the wind
just pounding on your shelter.
796
00:40:11,180 --> 00:40:12,748
I'm just sick of it all.
797
00:40:12,781 --> 00:40:14,650
♪ ♪
798
00:40:14,683 --> 00:40:17,752
Ugh. This place, you know.
799
00:40:17,785 --> 00:40:19,554
Uh, starting to hate it.
800
00:40:21,422 --> 00:40:23,759
I could make a phone call
right now...
801
00:40:27,028 --> 00:40:29,396
And say, "Hey,
802
00:40:29,429 --> 00:40:32,499
I'm tapping out.
I'm done with this."
803
00:40:32,532 --> 00:40:35,803
This is just not fun anymore.
804
00:40:35,836 --> 00:40:38,105
I'm ready to go home.
805
00:40:38,138 --> 00:40:40,239
I guess what I'm waiting on
806
00:40:40,272 --> 00:40:43,509
is to hit a wall.
807
00:40:43,542 --> 00:40:45,244
To just kind of
come to a point--
808
00:40:45,277 --> 00:40:46,546
either, I don't know,
809
00:40:46,579 --> 00:40:47,847
physically, mentally,
or whatever--
810
00:40:47,880 --> 00:40:49,948
to where I just--
811
00:40:49,981 --> 00:40:51,283
"I'm done."
812
00:40:51,316 --> 00:40:54,419
I really, really want
to just get out of here and...
813
00:40:54,452 --> 00:40:56,021
♪ ♪
814
00:40:56,054 --> 00:40:59,691
Get warm and get dry.
815
00:40:59,724 --> 00:41:01,992
And get food.
816
00:41:02,025 --> 00:41:04,028
And talk to my family.
817
00:41:04,061 --> 00:41:06,564
So I guess I'm gonna
just keep driving on
818
00:41:06,597 --> 00:41:09,467
until I can't drive on.
819
00:41:09,500 --> 00:41:11,267
You know?
820
00:41:11,300 --> 00:41:14,070
I'm not real big
into quitting, anyway.
821
00:41:14,103 --> 00:41:15,839
Most things that I do,
I don't quit at,
822
00:41:15,872 --> 00:41:17,540
I just...
823
00:41:17,573 --> 00:41:19,776
get it done.
824
00:41:19,809 --> 00:41:21,777
This is not good right now.
825
00:41:21,810 --> 00:41:23,946
♪ ♪
826
00:41:23,979 --> 00:41:26,315
But you know what?
827
00:41:26,348 --> 00:41:28,584
That doesn't matter,
because sometimes...
828
00:41:33,454 --> 00:41:34,589
Like, sometimes in your life,
829
00:41:34,622 --> 00:41:36,224
you're just gonna want to quit.
830
00:41:36,257 --> 00:41:37,959
Things aren't gonna
just be happy.
831
00:41:37,992 --> 00:41:40,161
It's not always just
gonna be sunshine and roses
832
00:41:40,194 --> 00:41:41,762
every single day.
833
00:41:41,795 --> 00:41:43,196
Bad things are gonna happen.
834
00:41:43,229 --> 00:41:45,432
So even though I might want
835
00:41:45,465 --> 00:41:49,769
to just go be
comfortable right now,
836
00:41:49,802 --> 00:41:53,440
absolutely no part of me
is tapping out.
837
00:41:53,473 --> 00:41:54,974
That's a fact.
838
00:41:55,007 --> 00:41:56,442
They'll either
come and get me one day
839
00:41:56,475 --> 00:41:59,845
and say, "Okay, you're done.
You can stop now."
840
00:41:59,878 --> 00:42:01,580
Or they'll medevac me
out of here.
841
00:42:01,613 --> 00:42:03,015
I just don't
believe in quitting.
842
00:42:03,048 --> 00:42:05,083
I don't--
I just don't quit.
843
00:42:05,116 --> 00:42:07,285
Absolutely no quit in me.
844
00:42:11,255 --> 00:42:13,224
I'm a tough Nebraska dude.
845
00:42:13,257 --> 00:42:15,893
♪ ♪
846
00:42:15,926 --> 00:42:17,294
I'm not quitting.
847
00:42:17,327 --> 00:42:19,596
I'm not giving up.
848
00:42:19,629 --> 00:42:21,298
I'm staying here
no matter what.
849
00:42:23,700 --> 00:42:25,202
When you don't have any food,
850
00:42:25,235 --> 00:42:26,369
you just kind of--
851
00:42:26,402 --> 00:42:28,304
it's like you're walking
in a mental fog.
852
00:42:28,337 --> 00:42:29,305
Wow.
853
00:42:29,338 --> 00:42:30,840
Shoot, I look really bad.
854
00:42:32,741 --> 00:42:34,477
It just keeps
getting worse and worse.
855
00:42:35,544 --> 00:42:36,545
This is bad.
856
00:42:36,578 --> 00:42:38,113
Weather has just been terrible.
857
00:42:38,146 --> 00:42:40,182
It's been high winds,
hurricane force.
858
00:42:40,215 --> 00:42:42,017
I haven't taped anything
in three days
859
00:42:42,050 --> 00:42:44,719
'cause there's nothing to tape
other than me just sitting here.
860
00:42:44,752 --> 00:42:47,188
This is the toughest
thing I've ever had to do in my life.
861
00:42:47,221 --> 00:42:49,490
This place has just
beaten the crap out of me.
862
00:42:49,523 --> 00:42:53,027
I still honestly
don't know how long I have.
863
00:42:53,060 --> 00:42:54,529
I can just go home.
57273
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