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(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) Mmm, so good.

Oh, you know, so I can't take this.

You can't eat pizza with a knife and

fork.

Yes, I can.

No, you can't.

You know, there are places in this city

that kill you for eating pizza like that.

Well, I'm not in one of those places.

I'll be so sure.

What is your problem?

This is the way I eat pizza.

I like to be civilized.

A piece of cheese hanging from your face

there.

Mmm.

That's nice.

That's very nice.

Mmm-hmm.

Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, wait a minute.

I need to talk to you.

Well, clearly, you and I have different needs.

Look, look, I don't want to just jump

into sex.

I want the first time to be romantic.

I mean, we haven't even had a proper

first date yet.

We've known each other for over a year.

I mean, come on.

Don't I get credit for time served?

Time served?

What is this, a conjugal visit?

Apparently not, or we'd be conjugulating by now.

I want a real date, John.

This is a real date.

No, no, no.

This is you ordering a medium pizza, getting

a large by accident, and then climbing up

the fire escape and asking me if I

wanted a slice.

Oh, so now I'm being punished for kindness?

You just don't get it.

You are so unromantic.

No, wait a second.

I know what you mean.

I know what you mean.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I think I got a candle around here

someplace.

I got some Lionel Richie.

How about that, huh?

Romantic enough for you?

John, asking me to explain romance to you

is, for the record, not romantic.

So, thanks for dinner, but you'll have to

find something else to do for dessert.

Oh, no, hey, hey, come on.

Where are you going?

Oh, yes, I'm going.

Who cares?

Go home, you know?

Who needs you?

I'll finish this off myself.

I'm talking about the pizza.

Hey, Chris, do me a favor.

Can you keep an eye on the counter?

I gotta go visit my nana at the

home.

I didn't know your grandmother was in the

home.

Oh, yeah, it was getting too tough for

her to live alone.

I mean, climbing up all those stairs, and

she kept losing stuff, and, well, you know

I was no help there.

I don't think she's ever been so happy.

I'll see you.

Yeah.

Anybody want to know why his nana's so

happy?

And it's not because he brings her candy

every week.

She's having sex.

Ew.

How do you know that?

My brother knows a guy who works there.

One night, he hears this noise coming from

a room, so he checks it out, and

he sees Nana and some geese are going

at it like a couple of rabbits.

A couple of wrinkly old rabbits.

Ew!

Oh, stop.

I think it's sweet.

When I was a kid, I was at

a friend's house, and by mistake, I saw

his grandmother step out of the shower naked.

It was not sweet.

Wouldn't he think you get to a certain

age and your sex drive would shrivel up

like, you know, everything else?

Well, let's find out.

No, no, no.

Excuse me, sir.

Are you interested in sex?

What do you mean with me?

Come on, I'd crack you like a crab.

Thanks.

There's an old man out there whacking Hector

with a cane like he's a piñata.

I swear, I saw candy come flying out

of him.

Turkey sandwich to-go, please.

You, uh, you didn't come in for breakfast

this morning.

I thought maybe you were mad because of

last night.

What happened last night?

Nothing, I wasn't mad.

Doesn't sound like nothing.

It's none of your business.

No, it just felt like, uh...

Felt like what?

Nothing.

Hey, what are you, a three-year-old?

Come on.

Go away.

You're not the boss of me.

Yes, I am.

Oh, right.

Anyway, I thought about what you said about

us having a proper date.

Well...

You, me, dinner, Friday.

Oh, John, you sweep me off my feet.

What'd I do wrong now?

Look, would it kill you to call me

and ask me out nicely?

I'm standing right here.

Why should I call you?

You know something?

I give up.

I have no idea what you're on about.

It's like I...

Hello, diner.

Oh, John, what a surprise.

Uh, yeah, I'd love to have dinner Friday.

Oh, let me just check my calendar.

Come on.

I don't have enough anytime minutes.

Do you want to go?

Okay, fine.

I'd love to.

Thank you.

Oh, what a bummer.

What was that?

I said I'll see you Friday.

Now, what is it with you women?

You know, you meet a guy, you like

him.

But the minute you find out he likes

you, you start trying to change him from

what he is into what you want him

to be, which as near as I can

tell is another woman.

You know, and I think down deep, you're

all lesbians.

I assume this is about Chris.

Everything has to be romantic with her.

I walk in there this morning and I...

Amazing.

All these years.

Who knew that would work?

John, I cannot listen to any more about

you and Chris.

I am not your mother.

I am not your shrink.

But most of all, I'm not interested.

You have to be.

I pay you.

Not enough for that.

Well, just out of curiosity, how much more

would I have to...

Oh.

Uh, Linda, get in here, will you?

Okay, I knew this was coming.

That two-hour phone call to Brazil, it

really was a wrong number.

But Gilberto and I just happened to hit

it off.

Yeah, it's not about that.

We'll be later.

But right now, I just want your opinion

on something.

It's about...

It's about me and Chris.

Isn't this the kind of thing you usually

talk to Margaret about?

Well, she wanted to, but, you know, uh...

It's a dating thing, and between you and

me, she's a little out of touch.

I know.

It's so sad.

Anyway, anyway, what is...

You know, why is it...

The second a woman meets a guy she

likes, right away she tries to change him?

The truth is...

men and women are different.

I hope I've been of some help.

It's not that sad.

Come on, I'm serious.

Okay, I didn't want to say this because

Chris is a friend, but if she's trying

to change you, she's out of her mind.

I mean, you're a handsome, successful, intelligent, caring

physician.

Any woman would be lucky to have you.

Yeah, you're up for salary review, aren't you?

Next week.

Yeah, get out.

It was the handsome, wasn't it?

I knew that was...

Get out.

Get out.

Hector, what's wrong?

This whole old people still doing a thing

makes me a little bummed out.

Why would that bother you?

Well, this may surprise you, but...

I don't do as well with women as

you might think.

No, no, it's true.

But I figured by the time I got

older, it wouldn't matter because, well, I just

wouldn't care.

Now I find out I got another 50,

60 years of rejection to look forward to.

Look, Hector, don't worry.

I mean, one day you'll...

One day I'll what?

Give me a second.

Oh, John, glad you're here.

Look, I heard about this great seafood place

in the neighborhood.

I thought maybe we'd go there Friday night.

What do you think?

Whatever.

Um, where's Jake?

He's running an errand.

What's the matter?

Uh, it's his grandmother.

I'm her doctor, so they call me from

the home.

Apparently she's passed away.

Oh, my God.

It happened.

Said she had a heart attack.

But he said she was feeling great.

Maybe a little too great.

Uh, she had a heart attack while...

in the act.

The act?

Yeah, that one.

Talking about sex, right?

Yeah.

Right.

Is Jake new?

Good afternoon, huh?

Could it be a more beautiful day?

I'm going with no.

I can't believe it.

I just saw her yesterday.

She was fine.

I'm sorry, buddy.

I mean, I knew this day would come,

but I guess you're never really ready for

it, right?

Mm.

I hate to think of her dying all

alone.

She wasn't exactly alone.

What?

She was with someone?

Yeah, yeah.

She was, uh, she was with a guy.

Really?

A doctor?

No, no, no.

He was, uh, he was more of a

friend.

Yeah.

A naked friend.

What were you talking about?

What is the matter with you?

The man has a right to know.

Know what?

What are you talking about?

Apparently this friend and your nana knew each

other very, very well.

Uh, you might say intimately.

What are you trying to say?

Uh, well, they knew each other in the

biblical sense.

What are you trying to say?

Jake, they were having sex and she died.

What are you trying to say?

John, we should have left five minutes ago.

I don't want to be late.

For a funeral, what difference does it make?

Now, Nana's dead, Jake's blind.

No one's gonna notice if we're late.

Now, come here, come here, come here.

I want some help.

Look at this.

See, I got this, uh, menu from a

seafood place where Chris wants to go on

our date.

Don't want to talk about that.

I'm not talking about Chris.

I'm talking about lobster.

Look, every time you see lobster, it says

MP, that's market price.

That means they can charge anything they want.

It's like a license to steal.

So don't order the lobster.

Please, who do you think you're talking to?

I'm worried about Chris.

If she orders a $50 lobster, I'm gonna

be forced to order, like, a $4 salad

and I'm gonna be eating it and resenting

her the whole time.

Anger's gonna build.

She's gonna ask me what's wrong and you

know me, I won't say anything.

I'll try to hold it back until I

can't stand it anymore and at the end

of dinner, I'll reach across the table and

strangle her with her butter-soaked lobster bit.

How's that gonna work?

Linda, let's go.

I don't want to be late.

You know, maybe one of us should stay

here just in case a patient shows up.

No, they won't.

I rescheduled everyone till after 4.

Now, come on.

But what if there's an emergency?

Then they'll go to the emergency room.

Now, let's go.

I'm not going.

I can't.

I hate funerals.

They freak me out.

Excuse me.

How long would it take you to download

an article on unsafe bacterial level in lobster?

Linda, stop this.

You have to go.

It's for Jay.

I know, but I hate dead people.

It's nothing personal, but the waxy skin, the

hideous makeup.

I'm not going and you can't make me.

Linda, you are acting like a child.

Now, you are going.

I hate you!

Linda, stop this.

You are going and that is final.

Okay, I'll go.

But the last time I went to a

funeral, I threw up in the coffin.

Maybe she could stay.

Oh, hey, you know, those appetizers look great.

Want me to get us a couple of

plates here?

Nah, I don't want to ruin my appetite

for dinner.

You know, that restaurant flies the lobsters in

fresh from Maine.

Yeah, you say that like that's a good

thing, but I don't know, you know.

They put them in crates, they throw them

on planes.

You know, lobsters aren't stupid.

They know they're gonna die, and I'm thinking

they probably tense up when the meat gets

all tough.

What the hell are you talking about?

It just occurred to me that if you're

after, you know, a nice tender piece of

meat, you can't go wrong with a piece

of chicken.

Hold this, Jay.

Oh.

You have beautiful eyes.

They're up here.

I got a room down the hall.

I've got a husband at home.

So what's your point?

Hey, Jake, how you holding up?

I guess I'm okay.

I just can't stop thinking about the guy

she was with.

Yeah, well, try not to make yourself crazy

thinking about it.

Yeah, what's important is that she had someone.

Hey, I'm well aware that she had someone.

Ain't no need to make a brother dwell

on it.

Come on.

What she meant was, you know, you should

try to get the picture of the two

of them out of your head.

Oh, you're right.

I'm sorry.

I guess I should focus on what's important

and not that picture.

Excuse me, young man.

I'm Charles Evans.

I was with your grandmother when she passed.

And the picture's back in.

Ruth was very special to me.

What we had was beautiful in life affirming.

Well, now, did you hear that, Jake?

Beautiful.

It's important to me you understand it wasn't

just physical.

Oh, come on.

Oh, we took walks.

We saw movies.

Then once in a while, we'd light a

candle, play a little Coltrane.

Hmm.

I'm really gonna miss her.

Sounds like he cared about her very much.

What do you say, Jake?

Mm-hmm.

Yes, I am glad that she had someone.

Excuse me, young man.

I just want you to know that Ruth

was very special to me.

What we had was beautiful there.

Poor guy.

His mind must be going.

He doesn't remember just talking to me.

Uh, different guy, Jake.

What?

She was sleeping with two men?

Excuse me.

Your grandmother was the most special woman.

She awakened things in me that I thought

died long ago.

Different guy?

I'm afraid so.

Oh, man, my nana was old.

You know, if we've learned anything today, it's

that life is fleeting.

We could go just like that.

So you've got to make the moments count.

You know, with only one arm, that wheelchair

would just go round and round and round.

Yeah, yeah, she made you happy, beat it.

Jake, Jake, it doesn't matter that your nana

had sex with a lot of men.

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

-la-la.

What's important is that she had romance in

her life right up until the end.

Some women wait their whole lives for that

and they never get it.

She was lucky.

We're going out to dinner.

What more do you want?

I guess you're right.

I just loved her, and I wanted her

to be happy, and I guess she was.

I think I'm just upset because she's gone.

You're Ruth's grandson, aren't you?

Yes, yes.

I just want to say that your nana

was the most special woman she taught me.

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.

Hey, Chris, it's John.

Uh, midnight.

So what are you doing?

Sleeping?

Ah, I'm not any more than that.

Hey, come on down, will you?

No, no, this is important.

Meet me on the fire escape.

Oh, my

God.

Yeah, really.

Oh, I...

Flowers and wine.

It's so romantic.

John, I'm touched.

I'm sorry about our date.

You know, I got back to the office.

It was wall-to-wall patience.

I was just about to leave.

Some guy walked in with food poison.

Lobster, by the way.

Anyway, you know, I just wanted to, you

know, do something special and say I'm sorry.

Oh, hey, you said you liked it.

It's so beautiful.

What?

Oh, no, no, no.

I'm hideous.

Hey, you know, not my choice of words.

I mean, I see where you're coming from,

but...

I mean, you finally did everything right, but...

But?

But what?

Well, I mean, I'm in this bathrobe and

these dopey slippers and...

And I've got bed head.

I mean, you're not supposed to have bed

head before you sleep with somebody.

I mean, I just...

I wanted our first time to be perfect.

No, hey, you know, life's not perfect.

Hey, you know, you got to take moments

when they...

Hold on a second.

You got a little crusty goober.

John, I...

I really want to, but I just...

Hey, I tell you what, I tell you

what.

Go to bed.

Really, get some sleep.

You sure?

Yeah, yeah.

We are gonna do this.

I know.

Good night.

Good night.

Don't worry about me.

I'll just finish this off myself.

I'm talking about the wine.

I know.