Original subtitles

(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) Oh, I...

I do.

My God, I love you.

And how are we feeling?

I love you.

Ready to go?

I love you.

I love you, too.

I love you.

One shot at Demerol, they love everything.

That's where the lights are out.

Who's that?

Someone's robbing the diner.

Hey!

Ah!

Please, just take all the money.

Just don't hurt me.

I have a wife and five kids.

Jake, is that you?

Margaret?

Linda?

What are you doing back there?

I'm setting up the register for Chris.

And might I say, putting on a remarkable

show of bravery.

Your wife and five kids would be very

proud of you.

All right, just...

just leave me alone, all right?

And why would you sneak up on a

guy like that?

Well, we didn't know it was you.

What happened to your hair?

Where are your dreadlocks?

I sold them.

You sold your hair?

Listen, I was behind on my rent.

This wig place offered me 500 bucks for

them.

Is that hideous?

No, no, no.

Morning, everyone.

Hey, welcome back, Chris.

Chris, how do you feel?

Yeah, we heard.

What happened?

I'm okay, I'm okay.

I just had an appendectomy.

I've been recuperating a few days.

I felt fine.

Oh, too tight, too tight.

Anyway, John said I could come back to

work.

Hey, Jake.

Wow, nice haircut.

You really like it?

Yeah, yeah, it looks nice.

So, what happened?

Did you know you were that sick?

No, no, no, I was feeling queasy all

day, but when I got home, it just

got worse, so I went downstairs to John

for help and puked on his shoes.

Too bad you didn't puke on the rest

of his wardrobe.

Hey, his clothes may suck, but let me

tell you, John was amazing.

He practically carried me to the hospital, got

me the best surgeon, held my hand, told

me I'd be okay.

He even took me to the hospital You

would be impressed at how compassionate he was.

Yep, you're as old, Jangles.

I was not giving you a fuck.

I was just reaching into your hat to

get changed for the meter.

Well, you kind of had to be there.

What's that lazy bastard Bobby supposed to fix

my sink?

You're on vacation.

Since when?

I'm guessing since right after you asked him

to fix your sink.

Weasel.

Nice haircut there, pal.

Really?

Yeah, a lot better than that Medusa thing

you had going on.

Oh, John, don't tell me you started smoking

again.

I swear.

Relax, it's candy.

I got all the perks of smoking without

the smoke and it's peppermint.

It makes my breath all minty.

Hell of a stress reliever, too.

Chris, coffee!

So, Dr. Redford, Chris told us what happened

at the hospital.

What you did, the things that you said.

Oh, my God, she heard what I...

All right, look, look, let's get something straight.

When I said to Chris that I loved

her, see, what was I...

What?

You said you love me?

Well...

They said you said that...

You said it first.

You said you loved him?

Were you high?

Thanks a lot.

Yeah, as a matter of fact, she was

whacked out of her head on Demerol.

Oh, that's...

Wow, that's big.

Although all I meant was that Chris told

us how you helped her at the hospital.

Oh.

Which does bring up an interesting point.

Chris was all drugged up when she said

it to you, but why did you say

you loved her?

The woman was going into major surgery, you

know?

She could have died.

I could have died?

You said it was routine.

I lied to make you feel better, all

right?

Which is exactly what I was doing when

I said that I love you.

I mean, she's lying in bed, writhing in

pain.

She looks up at me and she says,

I love you.

What was I supposed to do?

I said it back.

You know, that way, in case you didn't

pull through, you know, you'd at least die

thinking that someone loved you, which, while not

being the truth, you know, would have at

least given you comfort in the last moment.

So you can see that it was purely

an act of compassion.

There wasn't any, you know, love or actual

feelings behind it whatsoever.

So are we good?

Good, good.

I'll...

I'll take that coffee.

To go?

Now?

You know, you do one nice thing and

it bites you in the ass.

Okay, Mr. Lewis, this antibiotic ought to clear

up that infection.

Just make sure you don't take it on

an empty stomach.

Not like that guy's ever had an empty

stomach.

Okay, let's see what we got here.

Do you know how stupid that looks?

How many of those do you have in

a day?

I don't know, 50 or 60.

Do you really think that much sugar is

good for you?

Margaret, it's all just a horse race.

It's a horse race toward death.

Emphysema was in the lead.

I'm just giving diabetes a chance to catch

up.

Do me a favor.

I want you to call the lab and

get Mr. Newman's test results back.

Oh, I'd be happy to, John, because I

love you.

Look, look, if this is about Chris again,

I think I've explained that.

She knows that I did not mean what

I said.

It doesn't matter, John.

The words I love you are very powerful

to a woman.

Yeah, but not to a man, to a

guy.

I love you means nothing.

It's just a way to get out of

trouble.

It's cheaper than flowers, and it gets women

into bed.

That's all.

I hate it when he's right.

Those charts aren't gonna file themselves.

What difference does it make?

Eventually, the patients will die, then you'll die,

then I'll die.

Don't be so sure.

It's gonna happen in that order.

I'm sorry, Margaret, but ever since I heard

that Chris could've died, all I can think

of is that it could've been me.

I mean, what's my life about?

The endless parties, the clubs, the one-night

stands.

Oh, it's all pretty empty, isn't it?

No, it's amazing.

But one day, it's gonna get old, so

I have to find some deeper meaning in

my life.

Like you.

You seem to have this inner calm about

you.

Well, thank you, Linda.

I just can't figure out where you get

it.

I mean, you got a crummy job, your

marriage stinks, you're certainly not getting any younger,

you got marbles...

My life is just fine.

And no matter what happens, whatever inner peace

I have, it comes from my faith in

God and knowing that He has a plan

for my life.

This was God's plan for your life.

No disrespect, Margaret, but you got hosed.

Excuse me, do you have any jobs available?

Sorry.

Okay.

Now I can tell an employment I have

officially looked for work.

Copy to go, please.

Hey, man, you look familiar.

What's your name?

Who, me?

Yeah.

Jake Malinak.

I knew it!

From Bayside, right?

I'm Hector Lopez.

Used to hang with my brother Jimmy.

Oh, right.

Little Hector.

Man, haven't heard that in a long time.

Come on, sit down.

How you been?

Good.

Hey, I heard you weren't blind.

Sorry.

I mean, you are blind, right?

You could be wearing shades inside to look

hip, but...

Well, with that haircut, I just...

Okay, yeah, you heard right.

Hey, I'm blind.

How about you?

Me?

I can see great.

Now, Hector, I meant, what do you do?

Oh.

I got a lot of irons in the

fire.

Unemployed?

Yeah.

But that's just temporary.

Got a lot of big ideas.

Oh, that's right.

I remember you always had a million scams

as a kid.

You'd steal all your parents' stuff and then

sell it to all the kids in the

neighborhood.

Cigarettes, liquor, condoms.

Hey, those weren't scams.

Those were business ventures.

Besides, you got a baby sister out of

it.

Uh, here's your coffee.

That'll be a buck.

You know, I'm a little short this week.

Jake, you get this one.

No, no, I insist.

I'll get you back next time you see

me.

Sorry.

You know what, Chris?

Could you pour me some coffee?

You've got to be kidding me.

Fine, just tell me where it is.

I'll get it myself.

No, no, no, I, uh...

I got a bill from the hospital.

It's almost $3,000, and that's after insurance.

Where am I gonna get that kind of

money?

Well, you could always sell your hair.

You wind up looking like an idiot?

Aw, man.

Oh, good, you're here.

Look, John, I really need to talk to

you about the hospital.

Hey, would you let it go?

Look, Curly, I didn't mean what I said

to you, all right?

So just quit harping on it and go

indulge your little schoolgirl fantasy someplace else.

Come on, John.

I think she was talking about her hospital

bill, not the fact that you love her.

Oh.

Mm-hmm, smooth.

John, look at this bill.

It's almost $3,000, and I don't even

understand half of these charges.

I mean, what is thermometric evaluation?

It's hospital speak.

It means they took your temperature.

You're kidding.

What about this?

$150 for environmental assessment and intervention.

It means they cleaned your room.

Oh, my God.

I mean, this is robbery.

Of course it is.

That's why they drug you sticking you in

a paper dress with your ass hanging out.

So you don't march down to the billing

office and question them.

I could have died and my ass was

hanging out?

You know, I'm going to do something about

this.

It just makes me so mad.

That's so cute.

What?

The way you ball up your little fist

like that.

It's like you're actually going to do something.

Yeah, I am going to do something.

No, you're not.

You don't have the kind of anger it

takes to fight a bureaucracy like that.

Oh, you'll make a few calls.

You might even think about writing an angry

letter, which you won't, and then you'll end

up sending them one of those cute little

checks of yours with the kittens on them.

Well, that's where you're wrong.

I got new checks.

Puppies?

No, ducks.

Very angry ducks.

What are you doing?

You're in early and you're reading?

I don't know, which makes less sense.

I'm studying.

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Religion?

There's a spiritual void in my life, Margaret.

I thought that's why you go shopping.

My closet's full, but my soul is empty.

Where'd you get that?

My closet's full, but my soul is empty.

That's why I'm checking out different religions.

You're a Baptist, right?

What do you guys do?

Well, we do charity work, and on Sunday,

we go to church, we pray.

Pray for what?

Oh, help, guidance, answers.

What questions?

Like, uh, what's my purpose?

Do you get answers?

Not exactly, but...

Then why do you pray?

Because it makes me feel good.

Yeah, but it could be pointless.

For all you know, God's up there going,

I wish these people would just shut up

and leave me alone.

God wouldn't do that.

Yeah, but how do you know?

Because I have faith.

But you don't really know.

What if there is no God and we're

all living in this big, empty universe?

That is not what I believe.

Yeah, but you don't know.

Yeah, but I feel...

It doesn't matter what you feel, you have

no proof, right?

Right?

That's right.

I have no proof.

That's why it's called faith.

It goes beyond rational understanding.

I believe what I believe because it gives

me inner peace.

Wow.

So you believe whatever nonsense they tell you

and that makes you happy.

That's deep.

Thanks, Margaret.

Oh, it stinks in here.

What are you doing?

Oh, I forgot.

It was candy and I lit it.

It doesn't matter if it's candy or not.

I thought you'd quit.

I did.

It's just I'd forgotten.

I was thinking about something.

Something you want to talk about?

No.

Uh-huh.

It's about that thing I said to Chris.

What exactly did you say?

I don't know.

Something like, I love you, my God, I

love you.

You said that out loud?

Well, I didn't mean it.

The thing is, I didn't exactly not mean

it.

I mean, I do sort of like her.

I just don't know what to do about

it.

Well, why don't you just put on your

big-boy pants and ask her out already?

Sometimes, you know, after two divorces, I don't

know if I have another relationship in me.

The daily crap, the compliments, all the garbage

you have to remember, her birthdays, the color

of her eyes, what she does for a

living.

You know what?

I give up.

You know what?

Just do what you want to do.

Ask her out, don't ask her out.

But if I don't, then I could end

up stuck with me the rest of my

life.

Well, go talk to her.

What am I supposed to say?

Well, tell her how you feel and then

hope that she is sad, lonely, and desperate

enough to feel the same way about you.

So frustrating.

I got a million great ideas.

I just don't have the startup money.

All I need is 5,000 bucks.

Maybe six.

Ten tops.

No more than 15.

Hector, look at me.

Are you looking at me?

I can't.

It creeps me out.

All right, then, just listen, okay?

I have no money, and if I did

have money, I wouldn't give it to you.

Damn, man, just get a job.

Work?

Not my style.

Jake, I'm going down to the hospital to

complain about my bill.

Do me a favor, lock up, and drop

this deposit off at the bank.

Okay.

You know, before you put that money into

something silly like a bank, why don't we

take this down to Atlantic City, put it

all in black, and double our money?

And just when did this become our money?

You're right.

Your money, my idea.

Sorry, Jake, you're out.

Who are you?

Do we have an appointment?

Actually, no, but, uh...

How did you get past my secretary?

Well, she said you were unavailable, so I

snuck past her when she took a pee

break.

Oh, man.

Note to self, no more staff, pee breaks.

Look, look, I-I won't take much of

your time.

I-I was a patient here, and, uh...

Oh, a patient.

Get out.

No, no.

Last week, I had my appendix out, and...

Oh, my God.

We didn't leave anything in you, did we?

Scalpel, sponge?

Because even if we did, you're still gonna

have to prove it's ours.

The operation went fine, something apparently you don't

hear that often.

This is about my bill.

Oh, your bill.

Get out.

No, no.

I will not.

Now, look, there are some charges on this

bill that are totally ridiculous.

I mean, $75 for a low-calorie electrolyte

supplement?

It's Jell-O.

Oh, you figured that one out, huh?

That was mine.

And you're bragging about it?

You're cheating people.

Of course I am.

Who in his right mind would pay 75

bucks for Jell-O?

But it's immoral, and it's just plain Jell

-O.

At least my mother cut bananas into it.

Great.

Next time, have your mother take out your

appendix.

Now, get out.

No, no, no.

I will not.

Now, look, I-I made a list of

the overinflated charges, and I demand that you

take them off my bill.

No way.

Get out.

I will not.

But, you know, I may just get a

lawyer.

Oh, fine.

Take us to court.

We'll sue your ass off and then charge

you to sew it back on.

Okay, now-now you have made me mad.

Oh, you're mad.

Well, in that case, get out.

Will you stop saying that?

Now-now, Mr. Lerner, you want to play

hardball, I can play hardball, okay?

How about this?

How about, what-what if I just don't

pay?

Wow.

Huh?

You've really got me on the run with

that one.

Well, if you didn't pay, uh, we could

put a lien on your house, your car,

your savings, your business, and all your future

earnings.

You'll end up broke, homeless, rooting through our

dumpster, praying that someone didn't eat their Jell

-O.

How could you do that to me?

You know, people have certain rights.

I-I could get a lawyer, and-and

-and-and-and I have a-a friend

who's a doctor, and-and-and they-they

could come in here together, and they...

Who do I make the check out to?

Bronx Metropolitan Hospital.

Nice puppies.

They're ducks.

I wasn't talking about the checks.

Hmm.

Oh, hey.

Hey, hi.

Didn't see you down there.

What's going on?

Well, I know how much you'll love hearing

this, so I might as well just get

it over with.

You were right.

Of course I was.

What are we talking about?

I went down to the hospital.

You got nothing, right?

Oh, no, I wouldn't say that.

I got humiliated.

It was awful.

I-I tried-I-I tried being nice.

I-I tried getting angry.

Did you make the fist?

Yes, I made the fist.

I threatened him.

I said I'd get a lawyer.

In fact, about the only thing I didn't

do was come on to him.

Maybe I should have done that.

Maybe I should have just sprawled across the

desk and looked in his eye and said,

I love you, my God, I love you.

Maybe that would have worked.

Hmm.

Wait a minute.

That's exactly what I said to you in

the hospital, word for word.

Really?

Oh, crazy coincidence.

Night-night.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

You heard exactly what I said, which means

the Demerol hadn't kicked in, which means you

meant it when you said you love me.

Okay.

I said it.

But-but I didn't mean it-mean it.

I-I was-I was in pain.

I was scared, and-and maybe for a

second, I went all girly because you were

taking care of me, and-and in a

weak moment, I said...

the thing that-that I said.

Well, that-that's horrible.

You can't just say I love you to

a guy.

Those are very powerful words.

They mean something.

I meant to lie about it.

Oh, Chris.

Of course I lied.

You freak me out with your I love

you, my God, I love you.

I mean, on a scale of I love

you's, mine was like a two, and yours

was a 50.

It was not, and I explained it, just

being a good doctor.

Oh, oh, it was a medical I love

you.

Yeah, that's right.

Oh, well, fine, fine.

You know, just to set the record straight,

I don't love you.

Well, I don't love you.

I don't even know what made me think

I could like you.

You're so cute and sweet and nice and

perky.

Oh, well, it's better than being a cranky

old fart.

I'm not cranky.

There are just certain things that irritate me.

Yeah, everything irritates you.

You wouldn't know happiness if it bit you

in the ass.

I didn't want you biting me in the

ass.

Oh, why don't you bite yourself in the

ass?

Your head's right there anyway.

Well, just go away, will you?

I'm not going.

You want to have dinner with me sometime?

I'd love to.

Oh, my

God.