Original subtitles

(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) Who is it?

It's Chris.

Just a second.

Hey, what's going on?

I'm sorry to bother you, John.

No problem.

Everything all right?

Yeah, yeah, it's just that I was upstairs

alone in my place thinking that you were

down here alone in your place and...

And what?

And suddenly I just felt like...

Like what?

Felt like what?

Like I had to do this.

What the hell was that?

Harrison, here's a piece of advice.

If you're gonna go camping, either learn what

poison ivy looks like or bring toilet paper,

you moron.

That must have been hard to look at.

Another ass with a rash.

Part of the glamour I call my life.

John, I put insurance forms on your desk

three days ago.

Did you sign them yet?

You know, I hate it when you ask

questions you already know the answer to.

Do you really?

Yeah, see, right there, you're doing it.

You're late.

I'm sorry, Margaret, but it's not my fault.

My taxi was hit by a runaway hot

dog cart.

Of all the lame excuses.

It's the truth.

I'm lucky to be alive.

Yesterday, the president's motorcade broke down and he

ran inside to use your toilet.

Okay, that wasn't true.

Oh, the day before that...

All right, I lie all the time, but

this is clearly not a lie.

My lies have flair and imagination.

This whole hot dog story is beneath me.

Ooh, what is that smell?

Hot dog juice!

I'm covered in it!

Go ahead, taste my coat.

Oh, my God, you really were in an

accident.

Are you all right?

My head hurts and I smell like a

big wiener.

I'm so sorry.

Yeah, well, I'm all right now, but not

for long.

Yesterday, my purse was stolen and now this.

That's two down, one to go.

I'm in big trouble, Margaret.

What are you talking about?

Bad things always happen in threes.

Celebrities die in threes.

Three in a match is bad luck.

Three strikes and you're out.

That's from baseball.

Oh, well, thank you for clearing that up.

But, Linda, this whole notion of bad things

happening in threes, that's just a silly superstition.

Oh, tell that to my great-aunt Hilda.

You fell off Mount Everest after being kicked

by a yak.

That's only two bad things.

The yak kicked her twice.

Lord, give me strength.

You said it, sister.

I need all the help I can get.

What are you doing?

Wishing I'd closed that door.

Well, if you're looking for something to do,

perhaps you can finish these insurance forms like

I asked you to.

Fine.

Dr. John, leave me the hell alone.

Are you happy now?

You've been barking at people all morning.

What's wrong with you?

If I wanted to talk about it, I'd

talk about it, but I don't want to

talk about it.

Fine.

Can't you tell I want to talk about

it?

You are such a child.

Okay, what is it?

You ever have bad dreams?

Well, sometimes I dream that I'm trapped beneath

a giant blob of mashed potatoes, but then

I wake up and find Lewis on top

of me.

At least you got the picture of Mr.

Pearson's blistered ass out of my head.

Well, John, if you're having restless nights, maybe

you should just lay off to Chinese takeout

before bed.

It's not indigestion.

It's something else.

I keep having this dream about Chris.

What kind of dream?

Oh, that kind of dream.

Yes, that kind of dream, and I know

what you're going to say, that I like

her, but I don't.

When was the last time you had...

Eight months ago, not that it's any of

your business.

Well, I was going to say, when was

the last time you had a cigarette, but

that does explain all the bad mornings.

I quit smoking three weeks ago.

My guess is you're probably just craving nicotine,

and your mind is making you think that

it's something else.

You think so?

Mm-hmm.

Why don't you just go on the patch?

Maybe that'll help.

No, no, I'll just puff it out.

Oh, come on, John.

Why don't you for once in your life

do something easy?

If not for you, then for those of

us who have to be around you.

Come on, I know you got some samples

around here somewhere.

Linda, the phone!

Oh, yeah, here's one.

Roll up your sleeve.

Margaret, I don't think I...

Oh, come on, give it a try.

It's free.

Your favorite four-letter word.

No, it's not my favorite, but it's right

up there.

Linda, answer that damn phone, will you?

I can't.

It could be bad thing number three.

Shocking.

I have no idea what she's talking about.

Yes, Dr. John Becker here.

All right, thanks very much.

That's the lab.

Their fax machine broke.

Run over and bring the test results back,

will you, please?

Oh, no, no, I can't do that.

What if I get to the lab and

no one's at the front desk?

I'll have to walk into the back to

find somebody.

Next thing I know, I walk into the

wrong room, the door slams shut, and I'm

stuck in the freezer with all the hearts.

Linda, if you don't want to do it,

just say so.

Oh, I didn't know I could do that.

I don't want to do it.

I don't want to do it.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Chris, can I have some coffee, please?

Just give me a second, honey.

I'll be right with you.

What the hell was that about?

What the hell was what about?

Uh, nothing.

Just coffee, please.

Ah.

Everything I put in my mouth just kills

me.

Becca, you're a doctor.

Do me a favor.

Take a look in here, will you?

I'd rather die.

Come on, Becca.

I got something in my mouth.

I don't know if it's a canker sore

or an abscess or maybe it's a boil.

Oh, that's disgusting.

You want to feel it?

No!

All right, John, as long as you're giving

free medical advice.

Yeah, I'm not.

I'm trying to have lunch here.

No, come on.

This will just take a second.

There's something you got to look at.

I got this irritation under my pants.

Now, it's right where the waistband of my

underwear hits my skin.

Jake, I'm not looking in your underwear.

Well, I'm not wearing underwear.

It's too uncomfortable, so if you could just

take a look at it real quick.

Hey, forget it.

You know, on the off chance my appetite

comes back, can I have a turkey sandwich,

please?

Unless, of course, you got something that needs

medical attention, too.

Well, now that you mention it, my stomach's

been feeling weird.

It's not really an ache as much as

a dull pain.

For God's sake, you know, I only have

to care about people when I'm at the

office.

Oh!

I think it just burst!

Oh!

Make that sandwich to go.

Oh, come on, Becker, just eyeball this thing.

Come on, John, just reach into my pants.

You don't have to look.

Just give it a little feel.

Oh, geez.

Come on, guys, you heard him.

He's on a break.

Leave him alone.

Thank you.

I mean, you work so hard, and everyone

asks so much of you.

You're only one person.

Doesn't anybody think about your needs?

No, no, they don't.

Yeah.

You must be so stressed out.

I wish I could take you away and

show you how to really relax.

I bet that feels better.

Huh?

What did you just say?

I said, here's your sandwich.

Not a good that did.

Who is it?

It's Chris.

Just a second.

Hey, what's going on?

Sorry to bother you, John.

No problem.

Everything all right?

Yeah, yeah, it's just that I was upstairs,

alone in my place, thinking that you're probably

down here, alone in your place, and...

And what?

And I suddenly just felt like...

Like what?

Felt like what?

Like I needed to do this.

I don't know if this is such a

good idea.

Shh.

Shh.

Oh, it's awfully hot in here.

Yeah, this is crazy.

I gotta wake up.

Okay, in a minute.

My mouth hurts.

Look at my pants.

Hey, I was here first.

We came here together.

Help me.

Help me.

Help me.

Help me.

Help me.

Help me.

This cream the doctor prescribed doesn't work.

So nice to see you again, Mrs. Weigand.

Seems like you were just here yesterday.

Well, I was here yesterday, and every other

day this week.

My rash came back.

Do you know how annoying that is?

Yes, I know how annoying it is when

you think something has gone away and it

just keeps coming back bothering you.

Why don't you just go back to room

one?

The doctor will be with you in a

moment.

Well, I hope so, because I don't mind

telling you that I have better things to

do than to come here day after day.

It's a big pain in the ass.

Yes, you are.

I know I'm late, but I had to

walk here all the way from Manhattan.

Oh, please don't tell me that this is

about that silly superstition.

It's not a superstition.

It's real.

Bad luck comes in threes.

Look it up in the dictionary.

Under what?

Under all those other books over there.

So you walked here?

Well, I couldn't very well take public transportation.

Buses collide.

Trains crash.

Bridges collapse.

So instead, you thought it was safer to

walk through some of the most dangerous neighborhoods

in New York?

Well, I couldn't very well run in these

heels.

Oh, God help me.

Just take Mr. Maggio back to room two

and get his vitals.

I don't think so.

Now, how could that be dangerous?

Mr. Maggio's cute.

So am I.

He'd ask me out, but then he'd end

up breaking my heart.

Then I'd grow old and bitter and die

alone in an apartment full of cats.

And as you know, I'm allergic to cats.

Okay, okay, enough.

This whole thing has just gone far enough.

I mean, look how this is upsetting you.

You are pale, you are shaking, and you're

breaking out.

And what?

It's a pimple.

Margaret, I have a pimple.

So?

So, that's fantastic.

That's bad thing number three.

It's over.

Oh, this is gonna be huge.

I am so happy for you.

Now, will you please take Mr. Maggio back

to room two?

And let him see me like this?

I don't think so.

The bad news is Mrs. Wigand is in

room one.

Her rash is back.

It's red and irritating.

That is also the good news.

Now, I know that's not nice, but I

hate her.

Margaret, I don't treat Mrs. Wigand because I

like her.

I treat her because she has great insurance.

Dr. Becker!

Oh, brother.

You look tired.

Are you all right?

Oh, yeah, I'm just not getting enough sleep.

I'm still having those stupid dreams.

Even with the patch?

Oh, it didn't help.

It has nothing to do with nicotine anyway.

Obviously, I still have feelings for Chris.

Well, then, why don't you talk to her

about it?

Talk's not gonna do any good.

She doesn't feel the same way.

I'm just gonna have to move on.

It's as simple as that.

Dr. Becker!

I know just how you feel.

When I was in nursing school, I had

some pretty intense feelings for a nurse in

my class.

Margaret, I had no idea you were...

A male nurse.

Dr. Becker!

Walter was so great.

Oh, he was smart, handsome, funny.

We used to practice taking each other's blood

pressure, and when he would take mine, I

swear, it would just shoot right through the

roof.

But the problem was, he didn't feel the

same way.

Is anybody gonna help me?

Excuse me.

So, how long did it take you to

get over this Walter guy?

If I ever do, I'll let you know.

Well, that's a horrible story.

How's that supposed to make me feel better?

Dr. Becker!

Lord have mercy.

The point is, unrequited love is a bitch,

and so is Mrs. Wigan.

Hey, Jay.

Chris here.

Uh, no, she went to the drugstore to

get something for her stomach.

Good.

Good meaning you're happy she's not feeling well?

No, good, just I don't want to see

her right now.

Oh, is there something going on between you

two?

Well, you know, keep it to yourself, but

I keep having this dream about Chris.

What, you mean that kind of dream?

Why does everybody ask me that?

Do you think I'd be upset if I

had a dream where Chris and I are

at Macy's shopping for luggage?

Of course I want to have a dream.

Take it easy.

I'm just trying to make sure.

Well, pay attention.

Okay.

In the dream, she comes to my apartment,

and we start kissing, and there's some groping.

It's awful, man.

What do you think it means?

Well, if it's awful, it means you're gay.

I don't know.

It's awful because if I'm dreaming about her,

it means I still like her, and she

doesn't feel the same way.

Well, what are you going to do about

it?

There's nothing I can do.

It's just like Walter, you know?

I'm going to be obsessing for the next

25 years.

Who's Walter?

A nurse.

Excuse me?

That's a long story.

I hope so.

Hey, guys, what's up?

Oh, no, nothing.

Hey, wait, wait, wait.

What was that about?

The minute I walked in here, you guys

stopped talking.

Were you talking about me?

No.

Well, what were you talking about?

Weather.

Baseball.

Baseball weather.

Wait a minute.

So it is me.

What is it?

My cologne, my leather jacket, my Cabbage Patch

dolls?

Excuse me?

What?

They're a good investment, okay?

And they have names, so you can't just

throw them out.

Come on, we don't keep secrets.

We're friends.

No one's going to judge you, right?

Okay, okay.

Well, John's having dreams about Chris.

Loser.

Why don't you quit banging your head against

the wall?

The woman's made it perfectly clear that she

wants absolutely nothing to do with you.

But why don't you just take the hint

and get over her?

Why don't you mind your own business?

I can do that.

Or I can give you some advice and

help you out.

Oh, yeah?

I'm going to take advice from you?

Uh, you know, when it comes to women

not liking you, who knows better than Bob?

All right.

What do you think I should do?

Simple.

Every woman has a certain something special about

her that's disgusting.

All you have to do is find out

what that is and obsess about it.

I mean, the way she talks, walks, eats.

Does she have a club foot?

A hump?

A walleye?

A monobrow?

Maybe even a hairy birthmark.

Whatever it is, just blow it out of

proportion until that's all she is to you.

What else you got, you idiot?

Well, you can always try and find her

mother and see if she's got a big

ass.

What?

Well, you know, that way you know if

you dodged a bullet.

Yeah, but...

What if her mother's got a great ass?

But then you hit on the mother.

What do you want from me?

Go.

Just go, will you?

All right, look.

You want to get rid of every feeling

you've ever had for her?

Marry her.

Lose her.

Well, you could go Bob's way.

Take a trip to Buffalo and size up

her mom's ass.

Or...

And I know this may sound crazy.

You could just tell her how you feel.

I can't tell her the truth, Jay.

Now, Bob's right.

I've been down that road.

And it leads to very bad things.

I don't want to be humiliated again.

Yeah, but what if she has the same

feelings for you?

Well, then she's just going to have to

put herself out there.

She's going to have to tell me.

That's never going to happen.

So I guess the next best thing is

just to obsess over something that I hate

about her.

Like what?

That's a problem.

I can't think of anything.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Hi.

I'm sorry to bother you, but I was

upstairs and you're down here, and I just

started to have these feelings.

Yeah, what kind of feelings?

I just...

What?

I just feel like...

What?

I just feel like I need to...

Oh!

Oh, sure, yeah, yeah.

This time it had to be real.

No!

I'm sorry, John.

What are you talking about?

What do you have to be sorry for?

Your carpet.

Oh, I'll have it cleaned.

Yeah, and don't you worry about the bill.

Tell her you're feeling better.

Anyway, you know, it's me who should be

apologizing here.

I mean, you told me your stomach hurt

two days ago.

I didn't take it seriously.

Now, why didn't you tell me it was

this bad?

I thought it would get better.

Well, appendicitis doesn't get better on its own.

I can't believe you've been walking around in

this kind of pain.

Am I gonna be okay?

Oh, sure you are.

This is just a very routine operation.

I'm gonna be with you every minute.

I promise.

You're shivering.

I know.

I asked him to get me a blanket.

I don't know what happened.

Well, you know what?

I'll get you one.

I'm a doctor, you know.

There's a trick about getting what you want

in a hospital.

What the hell are you doing?

Oh, sorry.

I thought you were asleep, pal.

And how are we feeling?

I don't know about you, but I feel

like crap.

Well, this will help with the pain.

It's Damerol, and it takes effect almost immediately.

Oh, thanks.

You're welcome.

Okay, I'll be back soon.

We're almost ready to take you down.

Hey, I told you I'd find one.

Guy I took it from was cold.

Take a lot more than a blanket to

warm him up.

John?

Yeah?

What, are you gonna throw up again?

No.

Oh.

I love you.

What'd you just say?

I love you.

Really?

I never thought I'd hear you say that.

I mean, after all we've been through, I...

Oh, wow, you know, I...

You know, I kind of feel...

You know, I've been thinking about you all

night.

I can't get you out of my mind.

I've been dreaming about you.

Well, I guess this means I think I

love you, too.

No, I do.

My God, I love you.

Well, you know, this is kind of a

big deal.

And how are we feeling?

I love you.

Ready to go?

I love you.

I love you, too.

I love you.

Once you're out of Demerol, they love everything.

I love you.

Loser.