Original subtitles

The Chinese believe that certain pieces of jade are endowed with mystical

qualities, qualities which can pass on to its owner untold power, wealth, and

happiness. A legend, I thought at first, but now I'm beginning to wonder.

In fact, I've been wondering ever since a certain piece of this type of jade

came into my possession by accident.

By accident, or was it destiny?

All I know is that from that time on in the life of... Johnny Wadd, private

investigator. It has never been quite the same. And I have a strange feeling

that it's all because of that mysterious carved figurine called the China Cat.

The devil's residence.

Good morning, sir.

Yes, sir. They're here waiting for you, sir.

Yes, Charlie. We're here.

Good morning, Barbie. And good morning to you too, devils. Or perhaps I should

say three devils.

Good morning, Charlie.

Bad joke, Charlie.

So what's up, Charlie?

Do you really want to know what's up?

Go on. Tell us.

Well, at this moment... I'm up, as a result of some excellent mouth-to-cock

resuscitation. Hey, Charlie, I thought you sprained your back playing tennis.

I did, Sandy.

But I'm well on the road to recovery, thanks to some excellent nursing.

Yeah, it sounds like it.

Tell me, Charlie, when are you going to let us drop in and help you along in

your recovery?

Oh, don't worry about me, Cynthia.

I'm coming along just fine.

Just...

It sounds like he's coming.

I can hear you. I heard that, Sherry.

Very perceptive.

Well, now, let's get down to business.

Our client is a wealthy importer, exporter, and philanthropist. He wants

us to recover at any cost a rare artifact which is no longer in his

possession.

It was stolen from him?

In a manner of speaking, yes.

Legally, no.

It seems that during the war, the art object was taken from him by the

Japanese.

And he wants us to get it back from the Japanese?

Not from the Japanese. It was stolen from them.

So where is it now?

Supposedly in the possession of a private detective named Johnny Watt.

Barbie, did a large envelope arrive this morning?

Oh yeah, it sure did.

Good. Open the envelope.

Inside, you'll find a picture of Johnny Watt.

He's a licensed private investigator, girls, and there's also a full report on

him. Hmm.

Looks interesting.

I think the girls will agree with you.

The other photograph is of the art object we're after, the jade pussycat.

You'll find a detailed report on this as well.

Yes, here it is.

All right, girls, here's the plan.

Sandy, we've run into a bit of luck.

Mr. Watt seems to have a problem with his secretaries. They don't stay long

because he doesn't pay much.

Don't I know that. I used to work for the man.

Good. You're going to get your job back.

Figures. Sherry? Yes, sir? You're to make an appointment with Mr. Watt about

some private business this afternoon.

Private business?

You're going to try and buy the jade pussycat from him.

Cynthia, we're going to arrange a little accidental meeting with you and Mr. Watt

tonight. So bone up on the report and be ready to go home with him. And check out

his apartment.

Right. Any questions?

Well, is there anything you want me to do?

Just maintain contact with everyone. If all else fails, I'll send you in.

But we don't expect all else to fail.

Am I right, Devils?

Right, Charlie.

Goodbye, Devils. Bye, Charlie.

Charlie's right.

This is interesting.

What's so interesting about him?

I don't believe it.

Thirteen and a half inches?

And his name is Johnny One.

It was the beginning of one of those strange days.

The kind that are always full of surprises.

And the very first surprise was waiting for me right there in my office.

Sandy! Nice to see you again. All right.

How you doing, sweetie?

I'm good.

Come over here to Sam where I can get a better look at you.

So you want your old job back, huh?

Oh, the position's still open.

It's open. Believe me, it's open.

Yeah, I'll take it. You got it.

Same old shit, you know, filing, billing, answering the phone.

When can you start?

Right now.

Okay, good. Well, I've been going nuts. My secretary left me a week ago, and

I've just been trying to straighten up the mess she left.

Well, what do you want me to do?

Well, I got all the filing and billing done, and I don't have a letter to

dictate.

And the phone's not ringing?

The phone's not ringing.

Well, I always like to start by taking inventory.

Taking inventory?

Uh-huh.

How about if I start by taking inventory?

Oh, well, I guess.

Well, I see you're still pretty well stocked. Yeah, you think so, do you? I

definitely know so.

Yes.

Like a baby.

This time I'll pay you, I swear.

I'm sorry, miss. The line is busy.

Okay, try again later, all right?

How are you coming along with that report, Cynthia?

Coming? Creaming in my pants is more like it. Yeah, well, you better save

yourself your big night tonight.

It'll be big, all right.

It was beginning

to occur to me that it was strange indeed for Sandy to just pop up like

that. Right out of the blue, looking for a job.

Especially when I'd heard that she'd just landed one with one of those high

-class detective agencies.

Well, maybe she got fired.

I decided not to dwell on it, so I let my tongue dwell on her instead.

Oh, yes.

Fortunately, the line continues busy.

I'm sorry to point out this is going to throw you behind schedule.

Settle down.

Sandy's taking care of the situation.

You know it.

Cynthia's right.

We might as well just relax.

We all know how thorough Sandy is when she works.

Indeed they are, Miss, and if I may say so, quite eager for your report.

It's Miss Sandy.

Well, Sandy, how's the typing and filing?

Yes, Sandy, how your first day on the job went is a question we're all very

interested in.

Listen, don't worry, Cindy, you'll like the answer. There's a lot left for you,

and that man is unbelievable.

Big is beautiful.

Ma'am?

Yeah, a shot of tequila straight up.

Yes, ma'am. Call me right up.

Well, I've been waiting around this place for 20 minutes just to get a seat.

You alone?

Yeah. Just visiting San Francisco.

The people told me the food in here was really good.

Good? No, it's not good.

It's probably the best place in San Francisco to eat.

Excellent.

I certainly hope so.

I could die of starvation before I got something to eat. Doesn't happen over

twice a year.

Just saying. Excuse me, Mr. Wilde.

Table's ready. Okay, Carl, there's too much vermouth in that drink.

Sorry. No, no, no, it's all right.

Lucky you.

Not who you know.

You really do look like you're starving at that. You want to join me for dinner?

I'd love to.

All right.

Bring that tequila.

What are you going to have?

Um, I think I'll start out with a nice black Russian caviar.

And steamed cherry stone clams.

And for a main course, I'll have abalone almondine.

Would you like some champagne?

I love champagne.

Okay. We'll have a nice dry fruit.

Well, are you ready to order?

Uh, yes.

Could you tell me what... Yes,

ma'am. That's sliced veal kidneys that are cooked with mushrooms.

Oh, well, um... What is this?

Oh,

that's fried salted cod.

Cooked a travestary style, you know, with the onions, the pine nuts, garlic,

lemon, and anchovy. Very good.

That does sound better, but I think I'll have the steak tartare.

One steak tartare. How would you like that done?

Very raw.

Good choice. Another drink?

Another side of zucchini.

Tonight I feel like going all the way.

Sounds fine.

I'll have my usual, believe me, with champagne.

Very good, Mr. Watt. Tonight the champagne will be Bollier.

The Bollier, fine.

And Felipe, bring an ashtray, please. Yes, ma'am.

So you like to eat your meat raw?

I adore eating raw meat.

And tonight I feel like eating a lot of it.

Good evening.

Hi.

Hi. Well, Cynthia scored.

Yeah? How do you know that?

I followed them to the apartment and they both went in.

Well, good luck, Cynthia.

Well, I'm going to turn in. I've had a hard day.

Oh, just how hard? Pretty hard, Sherry. Pretty hard. You won't believe it.

Good night, all. Good night. I took the liberty of fixing you a glass of warm

milk, miss. It will help you sleep.

Oh, thanks, Jasper. That'll be nice.

God, all these innuendos are making me horny, Artel.

Yeah, you're not the only one.

There's so many people around here. I'm in confusion.

Yeah, you know, it seems like we've hardly ever had a chance just to, you

know, be alone.

Will there be anything else, miss?

No, Jess. We're going to get them sleep. We're going to have a really big day

tomorrow. Excellent, miss.

Good night.

Good night, miss.

Good night.

Well, this place is finally alone.

Yeah. It's so nice.

sweet. You're going to keep it so good.

Don't go too far.

Oh, that feels so good.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, baby.

Oh, Sherry.

Why did we wait so long?

So wonderful.

All we ever do is play

cops and robbers.

Oh, yes.

Oh.

Oh.

Sweet lady.

Can you put your finger in?

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Very good.

But I better not have too many more of those. They're no telling what I'm

liable to do.

No telling, huh?

I'm not telling.

Well, I guess I'll just have to wait and find out for myself, won't I?

I have a feeling you will.

Well, it's a good feeling.

Yes, it's a good feeling. Okay, why don't you put one right there?

John,

I thought you were going to show me your collection of antique Chinese snuff

bottles. Oh, yes, my collection.

Good timing.

Okay, come on, I'll show you my collection of antique Chinese snuff

bottles. Okay, here, let's not forget this. Give me.

Right this way.

Huh? All right.

All right.

Ooh.

Right in here. All right. Okay.

My little boudoir.

Yeah, be comfortable.

Let me have it.

Where I keep my little treasures.

Ming Dynasty, isn't it? No, as a matter of fact, that one's even rarer than

Ming. That is a rare Chen Dynasty piece. But I do have a Ming right here.

Oh, yes.

For a little old school teacher from Des Moines, here was a girl who seemed to

know her snuff bottles.

As the conversation wore on, it became apparent that she knew even more than

just snuff bottles.

You do know your Chinese art, don't you?

Studied it in college, and the Han Dynasty was my favorite.

I'm impressed.

This is really beautiful.

Have you been collecting these long? No, as a matter of fact, I've only been

collecting a relatively short time.

Well, your collection shows excellent taste.

Do you have any other antique pieces? Yes, I've got one more very special one,

but I'll tell you what.

Why don't we drink these, and I will go mix us some fresh.

Oh, really, it's brown.

Keep warm. I'll be right back.

Okay.

Okay, here we are.

I told you I was liable to do anything.

All right, just go right ahead and do it.

Right, lady.

You like this, huh?

Uh-huh. What's not to dislike?

John. Yes.

You're so beautiful.

Well, you said you were hungry.

I was expecting dessert, not another feast.

Oh, all right. He's got to wait, too.

No, no, no.

Only because it's the first time.

Hello, Sandy.

Hello, Bob.

All right. Still here.

Sandy, bring me some Kleenex. I

spilled coffee.

Come on, hurry up.

It's all over the desk.

There's a Sherry Fuller on the phone. She says she has an important job for

you. She wants you to meet her at her house. It's urgent.

It's urgent. Urgent.

Anytime before 3 o'clock, okay? Okay.

Throw that away.

Okay.

All

right.

2.30 then.

Bye.

It'll give Cynthia and I enough time to go over to the apartment with a fine

tooth comb.

Well, I'll keep him busy as long as I can.

I bet you will.

Here's Miss Fuller's address.

She wants you to meet her at 230 Sharp.

Ah, the Bay Towers.

chick must be really loaded.

Okay, thank you.

Hello?

My name's Johnny One.

I've got a 2.30 appointment with Miss Ford.

Miss Fuller is expecting you. She stepped out to do some shopping. She

should be back directly.

Please, make yourself at home. Thank you.

Hmm.

Oriental butler, penthouse, nice place.

Hell, this chick must be really loaded.

So my fee just went up for whatever this Miss Fuller wants me to do.

Sorry I'm late, Mr. Waugh. The traffic was terrible.

Please, have a seat.

Thank you.

Any messages, Jasper? Nothing for you, Miss. It's been rather quiet.

I took the liberty of pouring some excellent wine. I hope that's

satisfactory.

Splendid. There isn't much more for you to do. Why don't you take the afternoon

off? Oh, thank you very much, Miss. That's very kind of you.

I'll just attend to a few details here and then slip off to the cinema.

Soon, Jeff. I understand, Miss.

Now, where were we? A little late for a traffic tie-up, was it? Well, there was

an accident on Market Street and I got caught in the tie-up. My name is Sherry

Fuller, Mr. Watt.

Johnny, Sherry, and I'm pleased to meet you.

I'm pleased to meet you.

I've heard an awful lot about you.

I'll come straight to the point, Mr. Watt. Johnny. Call me Johnny. Johnny.

Give something that I want I cannot possibly imagine what I could have that

you'd be interested in

uh sherry are you uh sure this is all you want all i want this is more than

enough

There's nothing here.

It's a locker key.

There's something stamped on the back of it.

SFAC.

This could be really important.

Why don't you go check it out, and I'll just stay here and continue searching.

Right.

Hey, I just thought of something.

These might come in handy in case he comes back before you're finished.

What is it?

Knockout drops.

Just a couple of them will do the job.

But don't forget, it takes about five minutes for them to start working.

Okay. Just a couple drops?

Right.

It's really powerful stuff. Use it sparingly. It's a clear liquid.

Mixes with just about anything.

Great. Thanks a lot. Make them in handy. Hey, be careful.

Johnny? What?

There's something unusual I'd like you to do for me.

Unusual?

Fuck me in the ass.

What?

I want you to fuck me in the ass.

Okay, why not? Come on.

Turn around.

Smile now. You may not be smiling later.

Come on, back up.

thank you

Thank you.

Well, hello.

Mr. Watt, I presume?

You presume correctly, but I don't think I've had the pleasure.

My name is Bedford.

Barbara Bedford.

I suppose you're wondering why I'm here.

Well, it had occurred, yes.

Well,

it's a long story, so you may as well sit down.

Thank you.

My bed.

Now then, have you ever heard of a man named Carl Gustav Mueller?

I've never met the man personally, but I've had a run-in with a few of his

associates.

Beware. They're very dangerous.

Mueller is a despicable character.

A war profiteer.

He collaborated with the Japanese during the Second World War.

That's interesting.

What?

My father ran the Sumgai rubber plantation in Greece and Milan.

Of course, we were taken prisoner during the war.

How old are you?

I was born in Women's Camp 7.

By the time the war was over, I was four.

I suppose you know that most of the men were sent off to labor camps.

I'd heard.

My father died in one.

But before he died, he wrote a letter.

He wrote it in his own blood.

And he spoke of the jade pussycat and how it had been stolen from him by

Mueller.

He made me determined to get it back.

And just how does that involve me?

I think you know, Mr. Wad.

Call me Johnny, honey.

Johnny. You're a very attractive man, Johnny.

I think only attractive because I've got the jade pussycat and you're determined

to get it.

No, attractive because you're attractive.

I know the jade pussycat is here.

I can feel it.

I can smell it.

So now I can relax because I know I'll get it.

I have a feeling you will.

And I have a feeling about you.

And what's that?

It's my back.

Let's go to sleep.

Open your eyes.

My goodness.

You

look

really terrific.

Thank you.

My mouth is kind of dry.

Could I have a drink?

Sure you can.

What would you like?

Gin. Gin, huh? How would you like it gin?

Make it neat.

Make it neat?

Mm-hmm. Okay.

Is it warm?

I'll try.

All right.

Something very fishy was going on.

I don't usually come home to find blondes in my bed.

Especially blondes who are after my jade pussycat.

Well, at least she gave good head.

I was wondering what her next move would be when it occurred to me that I was

going to be the one who made the next move.

How you doing?

Fine. Fine.

You with me?

No. Almost.

Mm-hmm.

Wait a minute. Bye.

It's only about half of it.

It's only the other half.

I just feel really...

The NBA, as far as cheerleaders are concerned.

Back to action on the court. It's now 35-32 in favor of the Warriors in White,

Kansas City.

The Kings try to come back. That's Burleson.

Burleson came by way of that trade out of Seattle over to Denver. I don't know

where Barbie is. She should have been here hours ago.

That's Burleson's first two points.

All right.

Hey, she's here and she's carrying something.

Well, got it.

One Jade Pussycat.

Jade Pussycat.

What the

fuck is this? What kind of fucking joke?

That ain't the fucking Jade Pussycat. I don't know what this is. I never saw

this before in my life. How am I supposed to know?

Oh, God, it's the Maltese Falcon.

What? The Maltese Falcon. Oh, great.

Send it to Bogey.

Yeah, you're a meal.

Well, devils, I'm surprised.

This isn't like you at all.

We're sorry, Charlie.

But Mr.

Johnny Wad hasn't seen the last of us yet.

And I've still got the job at his office.

And he doesn't suspect me.

That's the spirit, girls.

Now, I'm convinced that Johnny has the statue hidden somewhere in his

apartment. I'm sending over someone to take care of him right away. And with

Mr. Wad out of the way, I'm sure we'll find him.

Right, Gilda?

God damn it, son of a bitch!

What the fuck do you think you're doing?

Damn.

It's a miniature hit later.

Lay still.

Lay still.

Move and lose it.

Fuck. What the fuck do you think you're doing? Lay still, I said.

Don't move, bitch.

See who stabs who.

Oh, no.

I don't even need this. Damn it.

Just lay still.

Lay still.

Midnight surprise.

What the fuck do you think you're doing to me? Lay still.

I'll punch the shit out of you. You'll find out what the fuck I'm going to be

doing. Lay still.

What? You've never raped a hit lady before.

No. You can't rape me.

Ciao.

at Lombard and Divisadero Streets in San Francisco. This week is featuring large

-sized tomatoes for 39 cents a pound.

Around the base, San Jose, 60 degrees. Oakland, 56.

At 54, Marin County, 12 degrees Celsius.

Downtown San Francisco, 54 degrees.

KCBS Newstime News Radio 74 from San Francisco, 906.

Well, what next?

Another little oriental hit lady?

Another blonde with knockout drops in her snatch?

Well, I guess I'm just going to have to wait and see what's going to try and

come between me and that dangerous, that gorgeous hunk of jade, the china cat.