Original subtitles

Let's just get this started.

Are you kidding me?!

Who's a good cat?

Today, we're in a waiting room for a focus group,

Sitting next to another participant.

And that person's going to do us a very small favor.

And, in response, we'll say, "I owe you one."

And then, moments later,

The moderator is going to send that participant home early?

But, hey, they just did us a very small favor.

And we owe them one.

So we're going to storm into the moderator's office

And flip out on their behalf.

And if they don't choose to stay

After you're completely unsolicited defense,

You lose.

We owe them one.

Murr: Here we go.

been waiting long, or no?

Today's going to -- going to be cookies?

Oh, awesome. Awesome.

I can have one of those?

-Ah. -Ah.

Alright, alright. I can't eat all these. Are you kidding me?

I owe you one.

Look at me. I owe you.

Alright, cole, break the news.

Uh, so, just about to get started.

The client said we only need one,

So, jeremy, I think we're going to just get you paid

And you can go home.

-Okay. Cookies are great. -Pretty easy -- easy day.

-Stay put for one more minute. -Yeah, yeah, yeah. No problem.

-What? -Oh, no. Sal is upset.

I know, but that's -- you just --

You waited here and you're here to give your opinion

And they're not going to let you give your opinion?

That's crazy. -"what is this, the '90s?

Your opinion doesn't matter?

Like you're a woman or a child?"

What is this, the '90s?

Your opinion doesn't matter?

Like you're a woman or a child or something in the '90s?

Jeremy, look at me.

-"you gave me a cookie..." -you gave me a cookie...

-"...When I had nothing." -...When I had nothing.

Q: "now I give you my word."

Now I give you my word, buddy.

"I will tear this place to the ground."

I will tear this place to the ground.

-Going to do what's right. -Oh, he's going in.

I-if they don't do what's right by you --

I know this guy,

And I'll probably even get you some extra money.

-let me -- let me call you back.

I don't know what -- -excuse me. Yeah, call back,

Because I have -- I have to have a word with you

Because it's not right, what's going on here. Alright, sir, okay.

No, no. No, no, no. Sit down. Don't stand up.

You think you're the big man with your big gorilla nuts, huh?

I know for a fact that you are not going to let the kindest,

Bravest, sweetest man I have ever met

Leave here without giving his opinion today.

-his mouth was invited here,

And his mouth should have satisfaction.

Put the phone down, gorilla nuts!

This poor, little baby will not speak up for himself,

But I will speak up for this poor, little baby.

"hey, we got a psychopath down here. Send security."

-I get so mad.

Q: Whoa!

All I'm saying is, take those nuts

And do something good with them.

"put those gorilla nuts in the mouth of fairness for once."

All I'm asking is for you to take out

Those huge gorilla nuts

And put them in the mouth of goodness for once.

Let -- let them...

-Jeremy, I, uh -- -here we go.

I settled the whole thing, okay?

I told you I owed you one.

When you gave me the cookie,

You made a friend for life, okay,

And I told you I owed you one.

Good news is, you're going to stay for the full day.

You're going to give your opinion,

And then they're going to pay you.

Bad news is, I took the bullet,

I don't care, I get to go home now with full pay.

Alright?

-Alright. -oh!

Hi. I'm brian.

Hi. I'm dana.

Hi, dana.

Murr: Q has an advantage. He looks unhinged already.

Oh, you're doing cookies?

Oh, man.

You going to share your cookies with me?

Simple brian.

Mmm.

simple brian. This is my favorite brian.

That's turned my whole day around.

-Happy to help. -Oh, my god, dana.

Dana, you did more than help.

You -- you -- you saved me.

I owe you one. I owe you.

I got your back.

Alright, cole, break the news.

Seems like we're only going to need one person, brian,

Uh, to -- to go do the focus group.

So you're probably -- I could just pay you and --

And you're good for the day, but...

Sure. I got paid to eat a cookie.

That's not -- that's a nice Wednesday. There you go. Yeah.

-But her opinion, though. -Few minutes.

That's not right.

Like, that's not fair. Like, you have an opinion.

Your opinion matters.

"you mustn't accept this."

My dear lady...

You mustn't accept this.

Murr: "today, they silence you on cookies."

Today, they silence you on cookies.

"tomorrow, it's cakes."

Tomorrow, it's cakes.

"then comes the camps and the secret police."

Then comes the camps and the secret police.

"and soon, the whole world has forgotten pie."

And -- and -- and soon,

The whole world has forgotten about pie.

Think about the pie, my lady. Think about the pie.

No, I'm going to make it right.

-We're cool, brian. -I'm going to make it right.

Murr: oh, here he goes.

may I come in?

-Um... -Sure. What's going on?

So I think a-a mistake's been made.

The nice lady out there,

My best friend in the world out there,

She has great opinions.

She has great opinions.

I'm not going to stand here

And let you dismiss her like that.

Please, please, please take her opinion.

Please, man.

I'll do anything, man.

Please, please. I'll man,

If that's what you need. -Hey, everything is okay.

-You got to let her do it. -Oh, my god.

-I'm an idiot. -Everything is okay.

What do you want? You want me?

You want me?

If you want me, just take me,

If that's what it needs.

I got it. I got it, best friend.

I got to take it. Just take what you want.

Alright, it's all settled, dana.

I got -- I talked to him.

He's going to let you stay all day

And get your opinion. Alright.

No, I told you I had your back.

Nice to meet you. What's your -- tara.

Hi, tara. Nice to meet you, as well.

Sal: "are those cookies?"

Are -- are those your cookies?

That's yours. I already tried them.

I can have -- I can have one?

Yes, sir. Those are yours.

he's so funny, man.

Oh, my gosh.

You're even handing it to me?

Why not?

-Tara... -Yes?

...I appreciate you, and I see you...

Aww, thank you.

...And...I owe you.

Q: Cole, go deliver the news.

-Sorry to interrupt. -Yeah?

Cole: I think we only need james,

So I'm going to make sure with the client right now,

But sit tight. -No problem.

Q: Does not compute.

No, no, no, no. That's not right.

That's not right.

You have opinions on these cookies.

That's not right. -I do. I do, actually.

Sal: "in 1993, when ibm fired 60,000 employees..."

In 1993, when ibm fired 60,000 employees...

"...I sat back, and I did nothing."

...I sat back and did nothing.

-"today is a new day." -today is a new day.

Go in there, murr.

I'm -- I'm sorry you have to see this,

But it's not going to happen on my watch...

-Get in there. -...Because I owe you one.

Hey, dude.

I'll let them know in like two minutes

That, um...

What's up, you pretty mother

Get your damn feet off the desk.

Whoa.

Whoa, sir.

-Come here. Come here.

Q: Alright, go in there. Go in there, murr.

What's up, you pretty mother

Get your damn feet off the desk.

Cole: Whoa, sir.

Tara has a voice. She deserves to be heard.

-She deserves to be heard. -There's no need for this.

And you -- come here. Come here.

You want her to just stand there and go home?

Have a seat. I'll take care of this, tara.

You are going to have your voice heard.

I owe you one.

I am.

-Come out here. Come out here. -Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Come -- everybody, come out here.

Let's calm down. Come on, come on.

Let's calm down. -What kind of --

Okay, now here's the --

I'm going to lock the damn door.

I'm sorry I had to do that, tara.

But you, you pretty son of a bitch,

She deserves to be heard.

Like, what is your problem?

Okay? She deserves everything.

You're going to send her home?

Are you kidding?

Are you kidding? Where are you going?

Where you going, you son of a bitch?

Where are you? Where are you?

Come here. -She's dialing 911.

That's my friend. Come out like a man,

You -- you little pretty mother

Come here, you son of a bitch. Look, hear me out, okay?

All I need you do -- let her stay, okay?

-Okay. She can stay. -Is that okay?

-It's okay. She can stay. -It's all good.

-She can stay? -Alright, here we go.

-Alright, murr, go for it. -It's all settled.

-Okay. -It's all settled.

He's going to let you stay the entire day and work, okay?

I'm going to get the money. I'm going to go home.

You get to stay and get paid at the very end of the day,

Hours from now.

Cool?

Alright. Alright.

Q: Murr got it.

Narrator: Murr, q, and sal don't owe anyone anything,

So they're safe from the loser board.

Today, we're at tompkins square bagels,

And we have a huge crush on an employee here,

And we're finally going to ask her out.

And, of course, our fake crush is actually

One of our producers.

The goal is to drop

The cringiest pickup lines of all time,

And then ask a fellow customer how cringey it was.

And whoever gets rated the least cringiest loses.

Alright, sally retro.

Kate is out amongst the people.

Excuse me. Do you guys come in here a lot, by any chance?

Yeah, sometimes, yeah.

Oh, do you know that girl that works here right there?

-No. -Okay.

I have the hugest crush on her,

But I come in here all the time,

And I want to, like,

See if she might want to go out or whatever.

Yeah, yeah.

Murr: Here you go. This is your chance, buddy.

-Yes. Thank you. -Uh...

Q: Here we go. Here we go.

They're looking at you.

Ladies -- ladies and gentlemen.

Excuse me. Can I have your attention?

Something I want to say to you.

Um...

♪ you're so sweet ♪

♪ you can't be beat ♪♪

-God. -Aww.

♪ I come in here, and you smile from ear to ear ♪♪

-♪ cause you're my bagel girl ♪ -oh, my.

Sal: ♪ but you're so much more than bagels ♪♪

♪ you're my bagel girl ♪♪

Q: She's running away.

I didn't mean to embarrass you.

And so I just, um...

♪ you seriously are my bagel girl ♪♪

-Oh, my god.

♪ you got eyes so sweet they can't be beat ♪♪

♪ I want to go on a date and possibly be mates ♪♪

♪ every night when I go home ♪♪

♪ I think of those lips under your nose ♪♪

Lips under my nose?

Q: Wow, sal.

I knew it was fake, and that was hard to watch.

That didn't go well. That didn't go well.

It was cringe. That was cringe. I know it was cringe.

On a scale, like, of 1 to 10, how bad was it?

Scale of 1 to 10?

7.92.

-7.92. -Oh!

Maybe I should've rapped.

Murr: Alright, q.

Sal: Good luck trying to out-cringe my 7.92.

♪ she's my bagel girl ♪♪

♪ but she's so much more than bagels ♪♪

♪ she's my bagel girl ♪♪

♪ she's my bagel girl ♪♪

Excuse me.

Do you come here often?

Yeah, pretty often. I live down the block.

Okay. Alright. So maybe you can help me.

Does she work here all the time?

Do you know her name?

Don't know if I ever seen her.

She's, I mean, so pretty.

I want to ask her out, but I --

I just get really nervous about these things.

You know what I mean? -The worst thing she says

Is no, right? Who cares? -Okay.

Alright, let's see -- -I'll be, like, rooting for you,

Like, back here, eating a bagel.

Alright, stick with me.

Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

-Sorry. -Hi. Hey. How are you?

-Hey. Good. How's it going? -Nah, we're just checking in.

Yeah. I-I wanted to tell you something.

My sister died when she was very young.

-and you remind me of her

Because you are an angel.

So take a break from heaven...

And go out to dinner with me.

And also say hi to my dead sister while you're up there,

'cause she was really nice.

You know, me and my buddy were talking.

He was like, "just ask her, man.

Just -- just -- just ask her."

So, um...

I just -- I'm so nervous. So I was like,

"did you hurt your mom's vagina

When you came out when she gave birth?

'cause she gave birth to a giant angel.

-Oh, boy.

-Yeah. -I'm sure he does.

Yeah. Yeah, it was more like.

-I'm good. Thank you. Yeah. -Yeah. Alright.

-Ohhh!

I know. That was a little --

but, otherwise, I see where you were going.

Like, on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the cringiest...?

Uh, like...

...Soft eight.

Soft eight. Soft eight. Soft eight. Soft eight.

-By .08. -Oh.

Soft eight beats hard 7.92.

-Maybe in the videos you watch.

I know that was all fake,

And I still feel bad about myself.

You have me hitting on my own wife?

-Yeah.

This sets a barometer for you, murr.

You literally have to be so bad

That it doesn't work on your own wife.

I'm trying not to look.

I-if you notice me from across the --

The restaurant, you can look at me.

Oh, my god, that was cringe.

Murr, are we playing yet? Because my skin's crawling.

Here he goes.

Do you, uh, you come here a lot, buddy?

Really?

I'm really nervous, man.

You see the girl?

I, like, really want to ask her out. You know?

I'm, like -- I'm really nervous to do it, though.

Excuse me.

Uh...

Hi. -Hi.

I just wanted to ask you something.

Q: look at his face.

I just wanted to ask you something.

Q: "hey, bitch"?

Is this your friend?

No, bitch.

Oh, my -- dude, what did I...

I thought for sure it would work.

That was --

I wonder what point that was.

Oh, my god.

On a scale of, like, 1 to 10, how bad was that?

8.5.

-8.5. -Ohhhh!

-How do I lose?

How do I lose?

Thanks, bitch. I mean that.

Narrator: Looks like it's sal's turn to cringe.

He's tonight's big loser.

Okay, sal lost,

And we're doing your punishment a bit different tonight.

We are actually going to make

One of your dreams come true, bud.

Murr: That's right. Now we're going to give you... Wait, what?

Your very own sitcom pilot.

So we're going to give you that,

But what we're not giving you is a script, any direction,

And, by the way, the sitcom starts right now.

So right through there. -Go, go, go.

Go!

Oh, my god.

Murr: It-- it's sal's real childhood bedroom,

Circa 1987.

Wow. You guys did amazing.

oh, my god.

Those are my sheets. -Yep.

How did you get my sheets?

We should let you know that all that stuff on the wall

Is original.

Sal: This is crazy. These are literally my pictures.

Oh, yes.

-How did you -- -your mom let us come in

And raid the sal vulcano archives,

Aka your attic. - yeah.

Wow. Alyssa milano, dude.

I was, like, obsessed with alyssa milano.

Uh, it is a sitcom, so where would you be

Without your own theme song?

♪ once upon a time, there was a boy named sal ♪♪

♪ he had love in his heart for a specific gal ♪♪

♪ he had a real nice house ♪♪

♪ and a real nice smile ♪♪

♪ I'll tell you how he fell in love ♪♪

♪ in the town of staten isle ♪♪

♪ sal's ♪ ♪ house ♪♪

♪ sal's ♪ ♪ house ♪♪

♪ sal ♪

♪ this is "sal's house" ♪♪

Q: There you go.

I had the biggest cru-- oh, that's so funny.

Buddy, what's on the bed?

Oh my god.

Those are sal's actual love letters...

-No. No. -Yeah.

...To alyssa milano, his childhood crush.

You made copies for yourself

'cause that's how weird you were, even as a kid.

Sal: I wrote this when I was probably 12.

And your mom gave us the copies.

-This is --

my mom is --

Uh-oh. Who's knocking on the door there?

-Open it? -Yeah.

♪ this is "sal's house" ♪

Alyssa milano...

oh. Oh, my.

Oh, my god. -Buddy.

...In the flesh.

Shake?

hello.

-Hello. -It's so nice to meet you.

Murr: This is your dream come true, sal.

It's great.

I literally had this.

It's either, like, a shrine or, like, evidence.

I can't believe you're standing in front of me right now.

Your voice has gone up two octaves.

oh, my --

I can't tell if you're crying or laughing.

Um, a little of both.

"a little of both."

it's a little of both.

And -- and I heard you wrote me some letters.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Alright, sal, read her your letters.

Let me grab this chair.

Oh, god.

Don't make me do this.

Murr: Alright, sal, read her your letters.

I'm very excited. Please have a seat.

-Okay.

Alright, I got to get my little...

Murr: His head can't fit under the bed.

"to bop and big bopper." ah, god. Jesus.

It's embarrassing to say these are the actual --

Yeah, sure is embarrassing.

I'm sorry. I'm still not, uh --

I still have not adjusted to the fact that you're here.

It's okay. Let's -- let's breathe together.

-Alright, alright, alright.

Why are your hands so clammy?

So, bop -- so, bob and big bopper,

You know, all the magazines you were in,

Used to say that you li-- you liked boys --

You liked -- I'm a man.

I'm a 50-year-old man.

Just read the letters.

"I", uh...

"I have read in almost every one

Of the bop and big bopper magazines

That alyssa milano..."

"...Is not dating anyone

Or doesn't like to get serious,

And likes boys better as friends." oh.

"I then read that she has a boyfriend,

And he moved in with her?

What is the truth?"

Murr: You weirdo.

The last sentence is, "what is going on!!!?"

With three exclamation points and a question mark.

I feel like this is punishment for me, not you.

And then I wrote,

"a person who has been in love with lyss for three years..."

-Whoa. -"...Sal vulcano."

-Oh, my gosh. -Yeah.

Q: Alright, buddy, so we wrote you a poem to read to alyssa.

Do you mind if I sit next to you?

-Okay, so -- -I'll move a little closer.

Okay. Oh, whoa, whoa.

So I wrote you a poem, "lyss, lyss, lyss."

"lyss, lyss, lyss." that's good.

"I watch you, I watch you, I watch you."

"I breathe your air.

I keep your hair."

"I want you to keep me as a pet.

I watch you often, often.

I love you. Sal."

Q: Yes.

What's next?

Do you want to play truth or dare?

-Yeah, you do. -Yeah, yeah.

-"let's play truth first." -let's play truth first.

Behind the speaker there is a bottle of drugs you found.

This is kind of...Sensitive, but "the more you know."

-Okay. -Um...

-I found these drugs. -How did you get my...?

Are they yours?

They're not -- they're not drugs.

Those are my, um, supplements.

-This is for the week, right? -Today.

It-- it's his daily pills.

This is magnesium, basic apple cider vinegar pill,

My blood-pressure pill, iron, copper, vitamin d,

Loose tums in case, a probiotic,

And this one's a prebiotic.

-Uh-huh. -I needed methylated

Because I -- my body doesn't break down

The -- the -- the -- the nutrients.

Buddy, this is not -- you're really winning her over, buddy.

I'll take a dare, yeah, yeah.

I dare you...

"to let me autograph your forehead."

...To let me autograph your forehead.

I got to do it. I can't turn that down.

Write the word "dork" on his forehead.

And here is my... Autograph.

Why do I eel like you're not writing your autograph on me?

-Perfect.

What's up, you dork?

What does it say?

It says "dork."

It says "dork"?

Q: What a sitcom.

Sal, do you have an idea?

-I have an idea. - okay.

"uh, do you want to play a round of spin the bottle with me?"

Do you want to play a round of spin the bottle with me?

you bet I do.

Can my friends come and play, too?

oh, here we go.

Murr: Here's all your childhood posters, sal.

Hello. Hello. Hello.

-Hi. Wow. -Welcome. How you doing, donnie?

Thanks for coming to my room, guys.

george.

George is here.

♪ sal's ♪ ♪ house ♪♪

♪ sal's ♪ ♪ house ♪♪

♪ sal ♪

♪ this is "sal's house" ♪♪

Q: Hey, benjamin cat's back.

I feel like I am on acid right now.

-Do you want to spin? -Yes. Uh, no. Yes.

Q: Of course you want to spin.

This is your dream come true, sal.

-Alright. Here we go. -Please get me. Please get me.

Murr: Spin the bottle with alyssa milano.

-Oh! -Oh!

-"donnie baseball," baby. -Whoo!

Sorry, big guy, this calls for a pinch hitter.

Come here.

-Whoo! -Yes.

See you next week.

That's it? Uh, we did it?

-That's it. -Great job, dork.

♪ once upon a time, there was a boy named sal ♪♪

♪ he had love in his heart for a specific gal ♪♪

♪ he had a real nice house ♪♪

♪ and a real nice smile ♪ oh, look at you.

♪ I'll tell you how he fell in love ♪♪

♪ in the town of staten isle ♪♪

♪ sal's ♪ ♪ house ♪♪

♪ sal's ♪ ♪ house ♪♪

Just like watching teenagers hang out

In the bedroom after school. It's cool.

♪ sal's ♪ ♪ house ♪♪

♪ sal's ♪ ♪ house ♪♪

♪ sal ♪ yeah.

♪ this is "sal's house" ♪