Original subtitles

[GUITAR PLAYING]

MY NAME'S DRAKE PARKER.

I'M JOSH NICHOLS.

I SHOULD PROBABLY BE DOING MY HOMEWORK.

I'M JUST DOING A LITTLE HOMEWORK HERE.

BUT IT'S MORE FUN TO DO THIS.

[JAMMING]

MAN, I'M THIRSTY.

AH!

I LIVE HERE WITH MY MOM

AND MY LITTLE SISTER MEGAN.

I GOT A GREAT FAMILY

EVEN THOUGH IT'S JUST ME AND MY DAD.

I LOVE THAT GUY.

I LOVE GIRLS.

SO, MY MOM'S BEEN DATING THIS GUY.

SO, MY DAD'S BEEN DATING THIS WOMAN.

SHE'S REALLY GREAT.

HE'S OK, BUT HE'S GOT THIS KID

THAT GOES TO MY SCHOOL...

SHE HAS A SON THAT GOES TO MY SCHOOL...

DRAKE. JOSH.

IT'S NOT THAT I HAVE ANYTHING AGAINST JOSH.

I REALLY DON'T KNOW DRAKE ALL THAT WELL.

BUT HE SEEMS KIND OF... OK.

UNUSUAL.

UGH.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

AAH!

DRAKE!

HEY, MOM... MR. NICHOLS.

WHAT HAPPENED? I HEARD SCREAMING.

IT'S ALL RIGHT, SON.

THERE'S NOTHING TO MOP HERE.

JOSH, WHAT... WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WHAT... WHAT'S HE DOING HERE?

TELL HIM.

WAIT. DRAKE, QUICK, GET YOUR SISTER.

MEGAN!

UGH. ARE THEY DONE SUCKING FACE YET?

KIDS, JOSH'S DAD AND I

HAVE BEEN GOING OUT FOR A LONG TIME NOW,

AND WE HAVE SOME NEWS.

YOU GOT ME A DIRT BIKE?

NO.

WE'RE GETTING MARRIED!

OH! OH!

YOU'RE GETTING MAR... MAR... MAR...

YEAH. WE'RE GONNA BE ONE BIG, OLD, HAPPY FAMILY!

WAIT. WAIT.

YOU MEAN, HE'S GONNA BE... BE

MY... MY STEPFATHER?

[LAUGHING]

AND YOU!

YOU'RE GONNA BE MY... HE'S GONNA BE MY...

HUG ME, BROTHER!

[SCREAMING]

♪ I NEVER THOUGHT THAT IT'D BE SO SIMPLE ♪

♪ BUT I FOUND A WAY, I FOUND A WAY ♪

♪ IF YOU OPEN UP YOUR MIND ♪

♪ AND SEE WHAT'S INSIDE ♪

♪ IT'S GONNA TAKE SOME TIME TO REALIZE ♪

♪ OOH, YEAH ♪

♪ BUT IF YOU LOOK INSIDE I'M SURE YOU'LL FIND ♪

♪ OOH, YEAH ♪

♪ OVER YOUR SHOULDER YOU KNOW THAT I TOLD YOU ♪

♪ I'll ALWAYS BE PICKING YOU UP WHEN YOU'RE DOWN ♪

♪ SO JUST TURN AROUND ♪

♪ OH, OH, OH ♪

[KNOCKING]

DRAKE, JOSH IS DOWNSTAIRS.

OH, REALLY?

'CAUSE I WAS JUST WRITING A SONG ABOUT HIM.

IT'S CALLED, "I'M NOT SHARING MY ROOM WITH JOSH."

LOOK, I KNOW THIS IS GONNA BE A BIG ADJUSTMENT,

BUT I NEED YOU TO GIVE THIS A CHANCE.

BUT, MOM, HE'S GOOFY. HE'S CLAMMY.

HIYA, DRAKE!

HE'S HERE.

I BROUGHT YOU SOME LICORICE... THE RED KIND.

I KNOW SOME PEOPLE LIKE THE BLACK KIND,

BUT I THOUGHT I'D PLAY IT SAFE...

MOM, DON'T DO THIS TO ME.

I SHOULD HAVE GOT THE BLACK KIND, RIGHT?

HAVE A GOOD TIME, BOYS.

WOW! COOL ROOM!

OH, AND CHECK OUT THE BED!

WAIT! WAIT! NO, NO, NO, NO.

WHOO!

OH.

DUDE, THESE SHEET MATCH MY JAMMIES!

SO, WHERE ARE YOU GONNA SLEEP?

THERE! I SLEEP THERE!

YOU SLEEP ON THE COUCH.

THE COUCH? YEAH, I DON'T KNOW.

I HAVE LUMBAR PROBLEMS.

AND HOW MUCH JUNK DID YOU BRING?

EW! WHO READS THE SCHOOL NEWSPAPER?

I DO. IT'S GOOD.

IT'S STUPID.

OOH, LOOK, A POEM BY JANITOR JONES,

"THE TOILET; DON'T SOIL IT."

THAT'S CLEVER.

RIGHT. OH, AND HERE'S THE WORST:

"MISS NANCY'S ADVICE COLUMN."

WHAT A LOAD.

A LOAD OF GOOD.

I THINK MISS NANCY GIVES GREAT ADVICE.

WHATEVER, MAN. I'M GONNA GO PLAY SOME HOOPS.

UH, DRAKE, WHEN WILL YOU BE BACK?

I DON'T KNOW. A FEW HOURS.

GOOD. I... I MEAN HAVE FUN

WITH THE HOOPS AND WHATNOT.

NOW IT'S MY TURN TO KISS YOU.

NOW IT'S MY TURN TO KISS YOU.

NOW IT'S MY TURN TO THROW UP.

DON'T YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO DO?

YEAH, I'M GONNA GO PLAY SOME BALL.

WELL, DID YOU ASK YOUR BROTHER IF HE WANTS TO PLAY?

YOU KNOW, MOM, I DON'T REALLY THINK JOSH

IS THE BASKETBALL TYPE.

SURE HE IS!

YEAH, I TAUGHT HIM MYSELF.

HERE, TOSS ME THE ROCK.

[CLAPPING]

THINK FAST!

LAMPS DON'T THINK THAT FAST.

JUST GO ASK JOSH TO PLAY.

HEY, JOSH, YOU DON'T WANT TO GO PLAY

ANY BASKETB... AAH!

[SCREAMING]

OH, MY GOD!

I CAN EXPLAIN!

OH, MY GOD!

I CAN EXPLAIN!

MOM! JOSH IS DRESSED LIKE A FREAK!

I CAN EXPLAIN!

WHY ARE YOU DRESSED LIKE QUEEN LATIFAH?

BECAUSE I... I... OH, I CAN'T TELL YOU.

MOM! JOSH IS DRESSED LIKE...

SHH! SHH! ALL RIGHT, I'll TELL YOU,

BUT YOU'VE GOTTA SWEAR TO KEEP IT A SECRET.

FINE. I SWEAR. NOW TALK.

ALL RIGHT. I'M A... I'M... MISS...

[MUMBLES]

WHAT?!

I'M MISS NANCY.

OK? I AM MISS NANCY.

WAIT, FROM THE ADVICE COLUMN?

FROM THE SCHOOL NEWSPAPER?

YOU'RE MISS NANCY?

YES.

[LAUGHING]

QUIT LAUGHING!

BEING MISS NANCY'S VERY IMPORTANT TO ME.

I HELP PEOPLE WITH THEIR PROBLEMS.

YOU CAN'T HELP PEOPLE WHILE WEARING PANTS?

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. I NEED THE DRESS.

I... I CAN'T WRITE GOOD ADVICE UNLESS I'M WEARING IT.

YOU WANT SOME GOOD ADVICE?

STOP DRESSING LIKE A LADY!

IF DRESSING LIKE A LADY HELPS ME HELP OTHERS,

THEN DRESS LIKE A LADY I SHALL!

"DEAR MISS NANCY..."

HEY, GIVE ME THAT!

"MY BOYFRIEND DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ME.

"HE'S NEVER ROMANTIC.

"I WISH HE WOULD JUST BRING ME FLOWERS

"OR WRITE ME POEMS

OR COOK ME ROMANTIC DINNERS."

THAT'S FOR MISS NANCY ONLY!

WAIT A SECOND!

PURPLE INK, DOTS HER I's WITH LITTLE HEARTS.

THIS LETTER IS FROM TIFFANY MARGOLIS.

[SNIFFS]

MMM.

QUIT SNIFFIN' MY MAIL!

DUDE, TIFFANY MARGOLIS

IS, LIKE, THE HOTTEST GIRL IN SCHOOL...

AND... SHE'S NOT HAPPY WITH HER BOYFRIEND.

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!

POOR TIFFANY. SO SAD, SO LONELY... SO HOT!

YEAH, I THINK I CAN HELP HER.

NO! NO, I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU USE MY LETTERS

FOR YOUR OWN SELFISH DESIRES.

FINE, THEN I'll JUST TELL THE WHOLE WORLD.

THAT MY NEW STEPBROTHER, JOSH NICHOLS,

IS THE REAL LIVE MISS NANCY.

YOU'RE NOT THAT EVIL!

PEOPLE OF THE WORLD, LISTEN UP.

JOSH NICHOLS IS MISS... AAH! AAH!

YOU CAN'T TELL PEOPLE I'M MISS NANCY.

YOU'LL RUIN EVERYTHING.

FINE, THEN DON'T STOP ME FROM HELPING TIFFANY. DEAL?

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT.

ARE THOSE REAL?

STOP THAT!

[BELL RINGING]

BEAUTY. BEAUTY.

RHYMES WITH SNOOTY.

NO... FRUITY!

NO...

BEAUTY... WHAT ARE YOU WRITING?

OH, NOTHING, JUST A... POEM.

OH. YOU WRITE POETRY?

I KNOW. IT'S DUMB.

NO. NO. I DON'T... I DON'T THINK

IT'S DUMB AT ALL.

IS THIS FOR A CLASS?

NO. IT'S FOR A PERSON.

OH.

WELL, IT WOULD BE FOR A PERSON

IF I HAD A PERSON FOR IT TO BE FOR.

OH.

YEAH, WELL, I SHOULD GO.

I GOTTA GO DOWNLOAD A RECIPE OFF THE INTERNET.

A RECIPE? YOU COOK?

WHEN I'M NOT PICKING FLOWERS. LISTEN, UH...

TIFFANY. DRAKE.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE DOING ANYTHING FRIDAY NIGHT...

I'M NOT.

REALLY? MAYBE I COULD COOK YOU SOME DINNER.

THAT WOULD BE NICE.

SO, IT'S A DATE.

SO, IT IS.

COOL.

[BELL RINGING]

SEE YOU.

THAT WAS TOO EASY.

EVIL!

Mr. Nichols: DRAKE, JOSH, YOU'RE DINNER'S ON THE TABLE.

Drake: OK.

Josh: THANKS.

NO WAY.

LOOK, WHAT'S THE WHOLE REASON YOU DO

YOUR MISS NANCY ADVICE COLUMN, HUH?

TO HELP PEOPLE WITH THEIR PROBLEMS

AND/OR ISSUES.

SO, IF I BUY TIFFANY SOME FLOWERS,

WRITE HER A COUPLE POEMS,

AND COOK HER A NICE, ROMANTIC DINNER,

THAT WILL SOLVE HER PROBLEM, WON'T IT?

WAIT, YOU KNOW HOW TO COOK?

NOPE... BUT I HEAR YOU DO.

NO. NO! NO, SIR.

I'M NOT COOKING DINNER FOR TIFFANY.

I KNOW WHO MISS NANCY IS!

I KNOW WHO MISS NANCY...

OK! ALL RIGHT! I'll COOK THE DINNER.

AH! YOU HAND LICKER!

COME ON. LET'S EAT.

[SCREAMING]

AH. AH.

[SCREAMING]

THAT'S MINE! THAT'S MINE!

[SHATTERING]

THE HOSE!

WHAT HOSE?

THE HOSE! WHAT HOSE?

THE WINDOW!

[KNOCKING]

DRAKE, THIS RAVIOLI IS AMAZING.

WHAT'S IT CALLED?

OH, WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S... IT'S...

RAVIOLI FRAMA... FRAMA LAMA.

HMM. I NEVER HEARD OF IT.

NEITHER HAVE I.

OH, WHO'S THAT?

JOSH!

HI. HI.

I KNOW YOU. YOU GO TO OUR SCHOOL, RIGHT?

YEAH. YEAH, I DO.

ACTUALLY, WE'RE STEPBROTHERS,

AND JOSH ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE HERE RIGHT NOW.

I CAN'T STAY IN THE KITCHEN FOREVER.

WHY NOT?

I HAVE TO USE THE LITTLE BOY'S ROOM.

THERE'S A SINK IN THE KITCHEN.

JOSH, DID YOU TRY SOME OF THIS RAVIOLI THAT DRAKE MADE?

IT'S INCREDIBLE.

OH, IS IT?

NOW, TELL ME, DRAKE... HOW DO YOU MAKE IT?

YOU KNOW, IT'S REALLY TIME FOR DESSERT.

TIFFANY, I'll TAKE YOUR PLATE.

YOU KNOW, YOUR STEPBROTHER IS REALLY SOMETHING.

YEAH, HE'S SOMETHING.

I MEAN, HE'S... HE'S SO SENSITIVE, YOU KNOW?

THE FLOWERS, THE POETRY, THIS AWESOME DINNER.

I MEAN, MY BOYFRIEND NEVER DOES ANY OF THIS STUFF.

I KNOW.

I... MEAN... I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

[BANGING ON DOOR]

WHO'S THAT?

I DON'T KNOW.

[BANGING]

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. I'M COMING.

BUCK!

SO, IT'S TRUE!

WHAT? THAT I HAVE A CONCUSSION?

I TURN MY BACK FOR 5 MINUTES

AND YOU'RE OUT ON A DATE WITH...

WITH THIS CLOWN?

TROUBLE... BREATHING.

LOOK, I CAN DATE WHOEVER I WANT.

YEAH? WELL, YOU CAN'T DATE A GUY

WITH NO HEAD.

[HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAL]

YOU'RE HAMBURGER MEAT.

YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

BUT I'M A VEGETARIAN.

MONDAY, 3:00. YOU AND ME.

HAVE AN AMBULANCE READY.

UGH!

THAT WAS SO ROMANTIC.

AND DESSERT IS HERE.

JOSH, I THOUGHT YOU HAD TO PEE.

DONE.

HOW COULD YOU GET ME INTO A FIGHT WITH BUCK?

OH, THIS IS MY FAULT?

OH, LET ME THINK.

YES!

YOU REALIZE HE'S GONNA DESTROY ME!

HE'S NOT GONNA DESTROY YOU.

HE'S HUGE AND STUPID.

THAT'S A BAD COMBINATION.

YOU'RE RIGHT. HE'S GONNA KILL YOU.

HEY, CAN I HAVE YOUR COMPUTER?

OH, I CAN'T FIGHT BUCK.

HE'LL HURT ME IN SO MANY WAYS.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

I GOT IT!

[GRUNTING]

HUYUH! HUYUH!

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

UH, HEY, DUDE?

YAAH!

TAKE A BREAK.

HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

I NEED YOU TO MAKE ME AN EXPERT IN KARATE...

BY TOMORROW.

[LAUGHING]

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

TO LEARN KARATE,

IT TAKES YEARS OF INTENSE TRAINING.

YEAH, BUT CAN'T YOU JUST GIVE HIM

THE ONE-DAY CRASH COURSE?

NO!

KARATE'S IN HERE, NOT IN HERE.

SOMETIMES IN HERE.

ONE TIME IN HERE,

BUT THAT WAS AFTER I SWALLOWED

A BOX OF THUMBTACKS.

WHAT? DO I HAVE SOMETHING IN MY TEETH?

NO! LOOK, I GOT 48 HOURS.

ARE YOU GONNA TEACH ME KARATE OR NOT?

I AM SORRY, BOYS.

I CAN DO NOTHING FOR YOU IN SO LITTLE TIME.

WE'LL GIVE YOU 30 BUCKS CASH.

LET THE TRAINING BEGIN!

WUUH! AAH!

[LENNY KRAVITZ'S "DIG IN" PLAYING]

[GRUNTING]

[SQUEALING]

HUIYAH!

♪ THERE IS NO WHERE TO RUN ♪

♪ THERE IS NO WHERE TO HIDE ♪

♪ DON'T LET IT BEAT YOU ♪

♪ SAY "NICE TO MEET YOU" AND "BYE" ♪

OW!

♪ AND ONCE YOU DIG IN ♪

♪ YOU'LL FIND IT COMING OUT THE OTHER SIDE ♪

♪ AND ONCE YOU DIG IN ♪

♪ YOU'LL FIND YOU'LL HAVE YOURSELF A GOOD TIME ♪

LEFT!

HA!

RIGHT!

HA!

[GROWLING]

♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪

[SQUEALING]

♪ YOU'LL FIND IT COMING OUT THE OTHER SIDE ♪

YEAH!

♪ YOU'LL FIND YOU'LL HAVE YOURSELF A GOOD TIME ♪

♪ AND ONCE YOU DIG IN... ♪

[SCREAMING]

YEAH! WHAT'S UP?

WHO'S THE LITTLE GIRL NOW?

I DID IT! THANKS, DRAKE!

AH! NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THE HUGGING.

SORRY.

SO, YOU THINK HE'S READY?

AS READY AS 30 BUCKS WILL GET HIM.

ALL RIGHT! YEAH.

SO... YOU BOYS LIKE CHICKEN TENDERS?

[BELL RINGING]

HOW YOU FEEL?

GOOD. STRONG. KIYAH!

AWESOME, BUT DON'T GET OVERCONFIDENT.

THIS GUY IS BIG, TOUGH, AND STUPID,

SO REMEMBER THE PLAN.

RIGHT. GO OVER IT AGAIN.

YOU JAB, YOU KICK,

AND YOU STAY AWAY FROM HIM.

MAKE HIM KEEP COMING AFTER YOU.

EVENTUALLY, HE'LL GET TIRED, AND THEN YOU'LL...

KIYAH!

THAT'S MY BOY. YOU READY?

YOU BET.

GOOD. HERE COMES BUCK.

HOPE YOU HAVE AN AMBULANCE STANDING BY.

YEAH, I DO... FOR YOU!

All: OOH!

TALK'S CHEAP.

40 QUARTERS ON THE NEWCOMER.

REMEMBER THE PLAN.

RIGHT. I JAB, I PUNCH,

AND STAY AWAY FROM HIM UNTIL HE GETS TIRED.

AND THEN HE'S MY LITTLE GIRL. KIYAH!

DO IT!

YOU READY?

OH, YEAH, BABY. COME ON!

LET'S DO THIS! LET'S GO!

OH!

COME ON, TIFF.

LET'S GO GET SOME SORBET.

OH, BUCK.

WHERE IS IT? WHERE'D YOU PUT IT?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE NEVER TALKING TO ME AGAIN.

I HAVE TO WRITE MY MISS NANCY COLUMN.

NOW WHERE IS MY DRESS?

I HID IT.

THAT'S IT!

YOU ARE THE WORST STEPBROTHER EVER!

HARSH. I'M GONNA GO MAKE MYSELF A SANDWICH.

YOU GIVE ME MY DRESS OR I WILL UNLEASH

$30 WORTH OF KARATE ON YOU.

NO.

MAN!

LOOK, I'M TRYING TO DO SOMETHING NICE FOR YOU.

YOU... YOU SAID YOURSELF

YOU HATED DRESSING UP LIKE A WOMAN.

SO? SO, YOU DON'T NEED THE DRESS

TO GIVE GOOD ADVICE.

I TOLD YOU I DO!

YOU DON'T.

GIVE ME MY DRESS!

NO. GIVE IT!

NOPE. DRAKE!

QUESTION: IF SOMEBODY TOLD YOU

THAT THEY HAD TO WEAR A DRESS TO GIVE GOOD ADVICE,

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY?

I DON'T KNOW! WHAT WOULD YOU SAY?

DRAKE, I... WHAT WOULD YOU SAY?

I'D SAY THAT'S RIDICULOUS!

I'D SAY GOOD ADVICE COMES FROM THE HEART

AND FROM WHAT'S INSIDE YOU,

NOT THE CLOTHES YOU WEAR.

THAT'S STUPID.

IT'S NOT STUPID.

YEAH, IT IS. THAT'S STUPID ADVICE.

IT'S GOOD ADVICE!

I'M SORRY. WHAT DID YOU SAY?

I SAID IT'S GOOD ADVICE!

WELL, GUESS WHAT, JOSH.

LOOKS LIKE YOU JUST GAVE SOME GOOD ADVICE,

AND I DON'T SEE YOU WEARING ANY DRESS.

HOLY... YOU'RE RIGHT.

I KNOW.

I GAVE GOOD ADVICE WHILE WEARING PANTS!

PRAISE BE THE PANTS!

I NEVER HAVE TO DRESS

LIKE A FREAKISH MAN-LADY AGAIN!

AH, DRAKE!

UM... SORRY.

I FORGOT YOU'RE NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THE HUGGING.

THANKS.

LOOK, MAN, HEY...

I'M SORRY I GOT YOU INTO THIS WHOLE THING

WITH BUCK AND THE BLACK EYE.

IT'S OK.

I KNOW YOU DIDN'T MEAN TO.

AND LISTEN, I'M SORRY THAT I SAID

YOU WERE A BAD STEPBROTHER.

I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.

ARE WE STILL FRIENDS?

FRIENDS? NO WAY, MAN.

WE'RE BROTHERS.

MAY I?

HUG ME, BROTHER! 3 F1 3 F1