Original subtitles

(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) Hey, Jake, how you doing?

Awful.

Yeah, I thought selling my hair to pay

my rent was as low as I could

go, but I was wrong.

I thought I could get some extra cash

by going to the sperm bank, but I

was so depressed that...

well, let's just say I couldn't open up

the vault.

Jake, I'm a little uncomfortable here.

I'm not really sure exactly what you're asking

me to do.

What?

Oh, God, no.

I just gotta find a way to make

some extra money.

Money?

That's my specialty.

How much you need, Jake?

A thousand bucks.

Whoa, are you screwed?

Well, tell me about it.

I mean, not only do I have my

regular bills, my ex-girlfriend ran up a

ton of charges on my credit cards.

Yeah, clothes, jewelry, a brand-new boob job.

So you get to pay, but don't get

to play.

That's sad.

Look, if you're really in trouble, I know

a great way to make easy money.

Drugs.

Drug dealing?

Are you crazy?

You think I'd be running a newsstand if

I could deal drugs?

I'm talking about drug testing.

Companies need to test new products before they

can get them approved.

Don't they usually do that on rats?

Rats, monkeys, and blind newsstand owners.

Drug testing.

Well, what kind of drugs are we talking

about?

Muscle relaxers, mood enhancers.

You know, happy drugs.

You just take the pills, write down any

side effects, and then they cut you a

check.

It's a cakewalk.

I can't believe what Amanda's driven me to.

Oh, Amanda again?

Oh, come on, Stevie Wonder, write a new

song.

When are you gonna face it?

Doesn't matter if you're married, living together, dating,

or dead.

Once you get involved with a woman, you

never stop paying.

Nice to see you, too.

Oh, hey, hi, good morning.

Oh, great, probably another collection agency.

Just tell them you haven't seen the bills.

Coffee to go, please.

So, what are you doing?

I'm going to work.

I meant after that.

Going home.

Then what?

Probably, uh, you know, make supper, watch TV,

sleep, wake up, eat, work, sleep, and eventually

die.

Why?

Well, last week you said something about us

going out, but you haven't said anything.

Are you waiting for me to ask you

out?

No, no, no, I hate that.

So then you are planning on asking me

out?

Absolutely.

Yeah, when?

You know, the reason I wanted to go

out with you is because, you know, I

felt comfortable, but you pressuring me like this

makes it feel uncomfortable.

Uh, so let me understand this.

If I don't pressure you, then you'll ask

me out?

Of course.

But I can't ask when, because then that

would be pressure, and then you won't ask

me out.

Right, right.

So what do we do now?

We do what we're doing.

You know, things are good.

Let's not screw them up.

Screw up what?

We haven't gone out yet.

Yes, but we will.

Yeah, when?

See, you just did it again.

Look, I just don't want to rush things

and risk ruining what we have.

Which is what?

Something very important to me.

Isn't it important to you?

Well, yeah, of course it is.

Good, good, good.

See, then we're on the same page.

Listen, I'm telling you, I've been a victim

of credit card fraud.

Well, yes, I gave her the card.

Yes, I said she could use it.

Where's the fraud?

She told me she loved me.

How much does this drug testing pay?

Five hundred bucks.

Wow, I think you got me through the

month.

Come on, I'll take you down there and

sign you up.

Okay, well, um, let me, let me, let

me ask you something.

Is it dangerous?

Nah, done it a bunch of times.

Yeah?

Once I even did a very experimental hormone

test.

Got me in touch with my famine inside.

Found out she's kind of a bitch.

By the way, those pants make your ass

look fat.

Good morning, Linda.

Isn't it a glorious day?

You're late.

Whenever I'm late, I have to come up

with a lame excuse, so let me hear

one, and it better be good.

Oh, all right.

Uh, I drove in today, and I got

pulled over by a cop.

A speeding ticket?

That's your excuse?

Have you learned nothing from me?

Oh, I didn't say I got a ticket.

When the cop came to my window, I

smiled, I tossed back my hair, and then

I threw in a, Why, officer, was I

speeding?

Next thing I knew, he let me go

with a warning.

You get to a certain age, and you

wonder if you still got the magic.

Well, honey, I still got it.

You flirted your way out of a ticket?

Oh, yeah.

But that's immoral.

I believe it was Rabbi Akiva who said,

It is easier for Heaven and Earth to

pass away than for one dot of the

law to become void.

Okay, you are freaking me out.

What are you talking about?

As you know, I've been looking for more

meaning in my life, so I've been checking

out different religions.

The Baptists are very friendly, but they don't

seem to believe in air conditioning.

The Catholics seem a little too preoccupied right

now to give me the attention I need.

So I've been kind of leaning towards Judaism.

You're gonna become Jewish?

It could happen.

Judaism adds an order to your life.

The hours are very user-friendly, and don't

get me started on the food.

But the most appealing part about it is

their emphasis on ethics and morality, something it

might not hurt you to look into.

I was feeling really good when I came

in here, and now you got me feeling

guilty.

Maybe you're already Jewish.

Okay, so do I take these pills on

a full stomach or an empty stomach?

It doesn't matter.

They're suppository.

So how do I take them?

You remember what I told you to do

with those magazine subscriptions you tried to sell

me?

That ain't right.

You're not gonna believe what's going on with

Linda.

Arrested, pregnant, I hate this game.

She's thinking of becoming Jewish.

Oh, those poor people.

5,000 years of persecution?

And now Linda?

Okay, smartass.

I've been thinking about what you said, and

you didn't say anything.

So we're gonna try this talk again, and

I mean now.

Calm down, will you?

Indoor voice?

I'll be in my office.

What the hell was that about?

Oh, come on.

All that double talk, let's not rush things.

I don't want to ruin what we have.

Look, John, if you don't want to go

out with me, just say so.

Well, I did want to go out with

you, but clearly you have anger issues.

You know what?

Forget it.

I don't want to play this game anymore.

No, no, wait, wait, wait.

I'm sorry.

I am.

Sit down.

Please.

Look, I think we might have something here.

I mean a shot at a real relationship,

but the last two times I felt that

way, it ended in divorce, so...

I'm nervous.

Look, John, I understand that, but we will

never know if we have anything unless we

try.

You're right, you're right.

We'll go out.

When?

So now you want a specific time?

Yes.

I want a night.

I want a time.

That's what a date is.

Gotcha, pushy.

All right, how about tonight?

Good.

So where are we going?

Oh, so now it's a day, a time,

and a place.

I don't care, surprise me, but it better

be a real restaurant, not a share in

a sausage at a street cart.

Oh, yeah, fine.

Time my hands, why don't you?

Yeah, Hector, you could have at least told

me that I'd have to take a physical.

I mean, they made me pee in a

cup, and, well, that's just not easy for

me.

Quit complaining, you nailed it eventually.

Okay, let's see what we got here.

Said it was some kind of allergy pill.

Supposed to take one every two hours.

Well, what are the possible side effects?

Usual stuff, headaches, back spasms, blurred vision, doesn't

apply.

Rain in the ears, cramping, sweating, chills, anal

leakage.

Oh, God.

Linda, all I did was flirt my way

out of a speeding ticket.

Leave me alone.

I'm just saying that what you did wasn't

ethical, or as the people of my possible

future chosen faith might say, kosher.

Blueberry muffin.

Me too.

Interesting, you pay for your muffin, but not

for your speeding ticket.

Guess morality's kind of a movable line with

you, huh?

Don't you lecture me.

I have been going to church since before

you were born.

And as the Bible says, let he who

is without sin cast the first stone.

I believe the quote is, people who live

in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

Hives, dry mouth, flaky skin, heart palpitations, liver

failure, sexual dysfunction.

Whoa, whoa, that's it.

I can't do this.

Come on, man, don't give up.

You need this money.

Besides, the side effects only happen in 1

% of all cases.

Does it say that?

Sure.

Hey.

Sandwich ready?

Here you go.

I bought a new dress.

Huh.

Right, right, dinner.

I knew it.

Did you make a reservation, John?

It's Friday night.

Relax.

I got us a nice table at an

Italian restaurant.

You know, the red checkered tablecloths, the Chianti

bottles with dripping candles, the whole thing.

You're gonna love it.

Sorry.

I can't wait.

Looking forward to it.

Good.

Pick you up at 6.

All right.

You guys know any of those cheesy Italian

restaurant places?

Checkered tablecloths, candles, that kind of crap?

No.

Oh, you're a lot of help.

What's with the pills?

I'm taking part in a drug test.

Hector said it's a good way for me

to score some quick cash.

Oh, come on, Jake.

This is your body.

You can't put just anything in it.

There could be serious side effects.

There's got to be a safer way to

solve your money problems.

You want to give me the 500 bucks?

You know, you'll be fine.

Okay.

You took your second pill.

Any side effects yet?

Nope.

I feel great, you know what?

Thank you, Hector.

Hey, this 500 bucks is gonna save my

life.

It's all right.

Maybe someday you'll do something for me.

Sure.

Really?

Anything.

Naughty women.

Hey, nice suit.

Oh, thanks.

I'm trying to class things up a little

bit.

Yo, Chris, let's shake it.

The bus is running on a schedule.

Wow, you look great.

Yeah, I do look good, don't I?

Yeah, I think it's, uh...

I think it's the way the suit hangs.

Oh, I...

I should probably tell you, you look great,

too.

You look great, too.

Thanks.

You know what?

My tongue feels fat.

Does it look fat?

No, and don't do that again.

Yeah.

Oh, Margaret, you're kidding me.

All right.

Tell him I'll meet him at the hospital.

What's wrong?

Oh, I have this hypochondriac patient.

Mr. Walters just checked himself into the emergency

room.

The idiot, every time he sneezes, he thinks

he's having a heart attack.

Oh, then why do you have to go?

Well, just in case he is dying, I

don't want to miss it.

And I am his doctor.

Let's take a second.

We'll be on our way.

You kids have fun.

See you.

Sir.

Did I just say see you?

Why don't you go ahead and have a

seat?

I'm going to check on my patient.

If you get hungry, there's a vending machine

around the corner.

You got money?

Yeah.

Good.

I don't have time.

I don't have money.

And the baby...

Hi, how are

you?

That's a dumb question.

Probably not well since you're here in the

hospital.

Grandpa's sick.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

See, my grandpa died when I was a

little girl.

But you know, not that your grandpa's going

to die.

This is a really good hospital.

Yeah, a friend of mine is a doctor.

And he sees patients here all the time.

Actually, he's more than a friend.

Tonight is our first date.

Well, it was going to be our first

date.

But, uh...

Listen to me, going on and on, when

you obviously have more serious things to think

about.

Grandpa's sick.

I know, I know.

And, uh, it must be hard.

I realize you can't understand a word I'm

saying, but I'm sure you can tell from

my tone and the way I'm furrowing my

eyebrows that you're very concerned.

So, I guess I'll just say that I'm

thinking good thoughts.

Say, Hector, are you hot?

I've been told I have a certain boyish

charm.

No, no, I mean, are you hot?

I'm burning up.

It's like I'm sweating on the inside, and

I'm cramping, and my legs feel nubby.

How do you spell nubby?

What difference does it make?

These side effects are killing me.

I quit.

You can't quit now.

We're in the home stretch.

Just one more pill.

No, no, I can't do it.

I mean, look, I'm shaky.

I'm lightheaded.

I'm queasy.

You're probably just hungry.

Have some bread.

It'll help fill your stomach.

Yeah, okay, okay.

You pilled me like a dog, didn't you?

It's for your own good.

Alcohol, ma'am.

Chris, I'm sorry this is taking so long.

No, no, no, it's all right.

How's your patient?

Oh, guys, such a pain in the ass.

There are five nurses fighting to see who

gets to insert his catheter.

There are another ten waiting to see who

gets to yank it out.

I tell you, he's driving the staff so

crazy.

A patient could be dying in the room

next to him.

They'd never know.

John, shh, shh, shh.

You're gonna make the Kims nervous.

It's such a happy family.

Now, the way that I've been able to

piece together their story, it seems that their

grandpa's sick.

Oh, that's too bad.

Uh, look, another half hour we'll go to

dinner, I promise.

We're waiting for Mr. Walt's cardiologist.

It's okay, I'm fine.

Yeah, you know, it's just so touching watching

this family come together during such a difficult

time.

The culture is so beautiful.

They don't throw away their old people the

way we do, they embrace them.

It breaks my heart to see how much

they love their grandfather.

We could learn so much from them.

Oh, Linda, leave me alone.

It's 9 o'clock at night.

It was just a stupid ticket.

Who?

Are you kidding?

No, I don't want to talk to...

Don't you dare.

Linda, I swear I won't...

Hello, Rabbi.

You gotta admit, since you threw up, you

feel better.

I hate you.

Ahh!

I'm so happy for you.

Now we're here.

You're not gonna believe this.

After all the whining, you know, about having

a heart attack, you know what was wrong

with my patient?

Gas.

He's lying out there on a gurney.

He cuts one so bad, he shot down

the hallway and ended up in the cafeteria.

John, isn't it good?

Your patient's all right?

I guess you can look at it that

way.

I'm so sorry about this, Chris.

If you're still hungry, go to a coffee

shop and pick something up.

No, you know what?

If you're as tired as you look, why

don't we just call it a night?

I feel bad, though.

You got all dressed up and you're stuck

here all night.

You know, I admit, it was a strange

first day, but I have to tell you,

being with this family and watching them go

through something so emotional and then to have

it turn out so well, it just, um,

really touched me.

Wait a minute.

Did you lose your gold watch?

Did you lose your gold watch?

Yeah, I lost it.

I'll get it back for you.

I hope you're happy.

Well, most of the time I am.

I have my down days like anyone else.

I'm not talking about you.

I felt so guilty about that damn ticket

that I went down to the police station

and I wrote them a check for 100

bucks.

Why would you do that?

What?

Because you wouldn't stop hocking me about it.

Oh, that.

I changed my mind.

I realized that Judaism required me to give

up something that meant too much to me.

What?

Your background?

Your heritage?

No, bacon cheeseburgers.

What kind of a god would deny you

that?

Here you go, Linda.

They're even better for breakfast.

I wonder if she knows she just ordered

her last meal.

Oh, my God, Jake, do you feel as

bad as you look?

I'm just guessing here, but I think so.

Hey, look who's conscious.

Leave me alone.

Okay, but I just dropped off the journal

and picked up your money.

500 bucks for one night's work.

Why don't I feel happy?

Well, that's easy.

Between the chills, the fat tongue, the nubby

legs, and the fact that all this money's

going to pay for stuff you didn't even

buy, you have no reason to feel happy.

It was a rhetorical question.

Oh.

Come on.

Let's get you home and hose you off.

Trust me, you need it.

Whoa, boy, you look like death on toast.

Hey, tell you what.

Why don't you stop by the office later?

I'll get you some pills.

Hey.

Morning.

Morning.

Coffee to go, please.

I'm sorry about last night.

It wasn't much of a first date.

Oh, I don't know.

If you look at a date in terms

of two people getting to know each other,

it was kind of nice.

I learned something about you.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

With all the bitching you do about your

patients, you made sure that guy was taken

care of and you wouldn't leave until you

knew he was all right.

I was totally impressed.

Thank you.

I learned something about you, too.

Yeah?

Yeah, the way you got involved with that

family.

I mean, me, I would have sat there

with my face buried in some magazine hoping

no one would come up and talk to

me, but you, I mean, you see people

going through something emotional.

It's like an opportunity for a relationship.

I mean, you reached out and involved yourself

in the lives of a total stranger.

I hate that.