Original subtitles

You've got to be kidding me, Alex.

No.

No, man.

Okay, I only have one thing to say.

Priscilla the Pole Dancer.

It's the one and only movie she's ever directed.

This is like a cruel joke, right?

You're fucking crazy.

I heard you.

I'm not letting some chick direct my movies.

Yes.

I don't know. Go on the internet.

Go to a website. Find it. It's there. It sucks.

No.

No, this is bullshit.

What?

She is not coming out tomorrow.

She's walking onto my set tomorrow anticipating, what, a director's gig?

What do I do, sit in the background and jerk off?

No, I'm not going to sit in the background and jerk off.

There's no way.

Alex,

listen to me.

This is bullshit.

What?

What? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No. This is not happening.

This is not going to happen.

Did you hear me earlier?

Priscilla, the pole dancer.

Trust me, it's a fucking work of art.

Yeah, it's brilliant.

The nastiest girls you've ever seen doing the lamest dances you've ever seen

on a fucking pole. The camera moves like twice in the whole film.

90 minutes. Yeah, a film.

Full length, 90 minutes, two camera positions, lame chicks, nothing. It

sucks.

Look, do you have any idea... Do you have any idea how

many DVDs my movie sold last year?

You can't fuck with me like this, man.

Yes, Priscilla the Pole Dancer.

Watch it.

I don't know.

Fucking rent it or something.

What am I, your video store?

Dude, you gotta be... No.

No, no, no, no, no.

Dude, this conversation is coming to a very rapid end.

Look, you had no right to send her out here without telling me first.

Yeah, yeah, you could have told me ahead of time.

So I could have been prepared. So I could have been drunk or something.

No, no, she can watch me.

Yeah, yeah, I'll direct and she can watch me.

From a distance, like a fucking mile.

Yeah.

Dude, you're really creeping me out with this chick stuff.

No, no, no.

not buying it man not buying it ain't gonna work goodbye alex

So what do you think? You like this setting?

I think it's awesome. It's nice.

It's pretty.

Yeah, well, I don't mean you any offense at all, but I'm really against this.

You know, I think you need to stick to the sex.

You're a sex artist. Just do sex.

I'm here to direct.

They gave me a chance to direct. After seven years of being in front of the

camera, they gave me a chance to go behind.

Well, look, we've got plenty of gas. We can drive you back. It's not too far.

You can go sit in your hotel room and watch movies or something.

You smell like booze.

Can I get an aspirin here, please? Where the fuck is my crew?

I don't know. They're out somewhere doing something.

Listen, I'm serious. I think you're great. I really think you're awesome.

But I just don't think this is you. I just don't think, I mean, this wasn't

meant... to be a director. This was meant to be, you know, celluloid stuff.

You know, I'm sorry. I know where you're coming from, because I know, Priscilla

the pole dancer, I know exactly what you're thinking.

I can't help that. Don't even bring that up.

I can't help it. That is, I bring you to this incredible location, and those

images pop into my mind, and it's like, it's like a melange, like a...

soup of potpourri of like dog shit. I mean, my dog could make a better movie

than that.

Well, your dog is just going to have to get used to the fact that this has

become a Tabitha Stevens Presents movie.

And what's that all about?

Tabitha Stevens Presents. I'm talking to Alex on the phone last night and I hear

Tabitha Stevens Presents.

They're giving me a chance. Let me just have a chance, please.

No, look, here's the deal.

um you can sit back and watch like over there like really over there just watch

the master at work i'll do my thing and you know later on i'll take you back

well i'll have somebody buy you dinner and we'll take you back okay it'll be

good that'll be good yeah all right can i please have a cameraman

okay okay

so let's start with

Some beautiful foreplay.

Touchy-feely, really adore her body.

Fuck that.

I ain't touching that.

What? I'm not touching that.

Oh my god, first of all, you're fucking disgusting. I wouldn't touch you with a

ten-foot pole. He took a crap behind that bush, and I'm sure he didn't even

wipe properly.

I'm sorry there's not a toilet in the goddamn desert, sister.

And that's my fault?

No, no, this isn't working.

You know what? See that bush over there? I will do striptease in front of that,

but I will not work with this.

No, you have to touch. It's a love scene. You can't just do a striptease by

a bush. No. You know, I'm grossed out by her.

Okay, okay, okay.

Listen.

We're doing a love scene here. You gotta touch.

No way.

What?

Now, she's grossed out on me. That grosses me out. Wait.

She's grossed out on you, so that grosses you out.

She's gross.

Guys, we're doing an erotic...

Love scene here.

No, we're not. We are not doing an erotic love scene. I will not do

anything with you.

There's no fucking way. There's no way.

No way. As a matter of fact, can I get some dark sunglasses?

Sunglasses? Yeah, because if I have to fuck that, I don't want to see that.

Oh, honey, this is all that. That smells like crap.

You know, you get these B-list stars. I mean, come on now. B-list?

Yeah, B-list.

Nice try.

Excellent. That was so clever.

You are so clever. Was it the crap? Was it the crap? Is the crap what the

problem is? He crapped behind the bush.

It's really not that bad. Dude. It's not bad. You know what? It's his ass.

I'm sorry. Nature had to take its course. Okay, so what did you wipe with?

What did you wipe with?

What did you wipe with?

Something that came out of your luggage or something.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

I wouldn't think at all. Can I get some aspirin, please?

She fucked with my mojo, man.

Dude, my groove is screwed.

No, no.

I'm karmically tweaked.

I don't even want to fucking wash my hair.

I need more to drink. You gotta send more money.

Yeah, I need a bigger alcohol budget.

Look,

one day.

One day and I can't fucking see straight.

No, I didn't get the scene. What are you fucking talking about?

Yeah, she like shows up and all of a sudden I've got like fucking ravens and

coyotes and shit. It's like bad omens.

Dude,

you're in a fucking office. How can you, you can't sit there and say, okay, like

do this and do that.

No, they didn't, they wouldn't even do the scene.

No, they walked off and I don't know.

You know, it's like... It's like voodoo shit, man.

Yeah, like, what's that fucking Santa Maria crap?

Like a voodoo doll on my set poking fucking needles up my ass.

No, no. You can't... I can't go through with this.

You gotta send her back.

And put her on a fucking bus.

A train.

A spaceship.

Dude, you don't just send Tabitha to my set and expect like fucking

brilliance, okay? It was just, it was a disaster.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You know, I'm going to go online.

Yeah, right now I'm going online.

I'm going to find a fucking website and I'm going to, you know what? I'm going

to hire a monkey. No, I'm going to hire a fucking Chinese monkey to come and

direct tomorrow. How's that?

Yeah, it'll be great. It'll be brilliant. They call me fucking genius.

Yeah, that'd be better than today.

I had a lot better.

The world is spinning like a crazy orange seamless ball.

Oh no, you gotta be kidding me.

Priscilla the fucking pole dancer.

It's on fucking pay-per-view.

I'm cursed.

Fucking cursed.

Turn to channel 59.

Priscilla the Pole dancer.

Don't even do that shit.

Nasty. You know what?

I'm going to fire her ass.

Yeah, it's me, Tweaker.

Tomorrow, I'm canning her ass and I'm putting her on a fucking bus back to

wherever she came from.

Bakersfield.

Send her back to Hickland.

Yeah, Redneckville. Fuck you. Bye.

All

right,

guys. This is what I want you to do.

All right, see how your leg's out like that?

I'd like you to cross it.

You know what I mean? So it's kind of like you're in that, you know, a little

like...

the sky, the desert, and everything is so beautiful.

And then I want you to look at her and be like, you know what?

She is beautiful. Because you know you want some of that.

So go to reach over, grab her hair, kind of touch her a little bit.

And you shy away a little bit. Get a little bit like, you know, just feel the

breeze. Just sit back. You know, take it in a few times. Just let it sit. You

know, twist your hair back a little bit.

Look around, let it feel it.

And then all of a sudden, this big gust comes to you, this big gust of wind.

You're taken back by it.

Close your eyes, you open them, and you stare right at them.

You're going for the kiss.

What I'd like you to do is end up back in the lotus position, and you're just

looking around again, feeling the wind and the breeze, and you're just chilling

out. Okay. Okay.

Hey.

Hey, so I have a question for you.

Why did you shoot that scene?

For Tabitha.

And not for me.

Well, to be honest, it just didn't feel right.

Yeah, it was kind of strange.

What?

Well, it was like you were looking at us, but you were really looking at us

like we were trees or rocks or something.

Yeah, exactly. The vibe was all wrong.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Well, you know, honestly, you're just kind of washed up for all, though. Hey,

dude, you know what? Why don't you just go shoot some nature videos of, like,

marsupials having sex or something?

Nature videos?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Nature videos.

I am in fucking nature.

I am in nature!

Tabitha Stevens Presents.

Tabitha Stevens Presents.

Tabitha Stevens Presents. Tabitha Stevens Presents. Tabitha Stevens

Presents.

Ah,

there we go. One of my shows.

Now let's watch some art.

so so

Thank you.

This is certainly not Priscilla the Pole Dancer.

Mr. Geraldo, please allow the director of Priscilla the Pole Dancer to direct

your movie.

Oh, what were they thinking?

What were they thinking?

I need some oil for this fucking chair.

I need another drink.

While I watch my beautiful work.

No, I did not fire the woman.

Todd and Stephens present.

Oh.

Oh, I need a fucking aspirin.

Yeah, I've got a headache.

Because I had to be with that woman again.

No, not with that woman.

In the general vicinity of the woman.

Have you been watching TV lately? One of my brilliant shows is on. I am a

fabulous director, a genius, a man of unequivocal brilliance.

Yes.

Yes, one of my beautiful natural landscapes with bodies flowing in motion

down sand dunes is on right now, and I'm enamored by the beauty of it all.

And there's no Tabitha Stevens Presents involved.

Huh.

What?

I'm merely happy to be alive in this shitty little motel in Baker,

California, watching my beautiful show with my smelly feet and my Lion King

hair.

Yes.

And my show is so fabulous, I'm going to jump in the shower and jerk off.

Yes.

No.

Bite. You don't talk into this side. You talk into this side.

Bite my fucking ass.

No.

Doesn't matter.

I'm sliding down my chair now and it is wonderful.

It's like an aerobic exercise where you're stretched into such a way.

Yes.

Therefore, you fuck yourself, I fire her, I start my own line.

No. Oh, this is not a veiled threat.

This is official.

And by the way, you do smell like shit.

Yes.

Fabulous.

My show, my wonderful show on television is coming to an end. Therefore, I'm

expired. Goodbye.

Oh, Tabitha.

Oh, Tabitha. I have something to... Oh,

nice.

Yeah,

I'm right here.

I have something to tell you.

Something very important.

You know what? It's just going to have to wait.

I have a movie to shoot, okay?

Okay, action.

What?

What are you doing?

Feeling a little sober all of a sudden.

you

Yeah, deeper.

Lookin' deeper.

That's a wrap.

Well.

I have to tell you something.

I don't get pissed, all right?

It's just, I had to prove a point to you.

The actors, they weren't really, like, mad at you or anything like that.

I set it up.

You told the actors to refuse to shoot that

scene with me.

All right. See, the thing is, you know how I am.

I appreciate everything you've done for me.

You've taught me so much.

And when I hear you talk about Priscilla the pole dancer, okay?

It just upsets me.

You know why it upsets me?

Because I didn't do it. That wasn't me, okay?

Somebody had stolen the name Tabitha Stevens, okay? And used it. And used it

in their production. That absolutely has nothing to do with me. But you got all

irate, drunk, crazy.

Okay. Think about it. Did you even notice?

How there are like only two angles on that whole shot.

Like I watched it last night. It was on TV last night. I know.

Come on.

I mean, I just kind of hurt. So I told the actors that, you know what?

Take my lead.

Follow me.

Stop.

Yes.

You sold me.

You told them not to perform that scene to exert.

Control over your set.

Correct.

Tabitha?

Yes?

You're going to make a wonderful director.

Oh, thank you.

How about a drink?

O.J. for you.

Okay. Or a soda.

Or a soda.

Thank you.