Original subtitles

(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) How the hell is a person supposed to

quit smoking when every time you turn on

the damn TV there is a commercial with

beautiful people happily sucking on a cigarette?

They don't have cigarette commercials anymore.

Yeah, I know, I know.

They were great though, weren't they?

I feel for you, Becker.

I mean, you drift through life alone until

you find something that makes you happy, and

then one day it's just taken away from

you for no good reason.

Nudie bar on the corner still padlocked?

Those girls were just right out of the

living.

Oh, here comes Jake.

How's he doing since Amanda left him?

He seems better.

Hey, guys.

What happened to your voice?

Oh, I was up all night crying and

screaming, why me?

I still can't believe Amanda's out of my

life forever.

Come on, you don't know that.

She might have a change of heart.

She had an affair and ran off to

marry the guy in Vegas.

Diner.

Roger!

Oh, you're kidding.

Oh, no, that's only a block from here.

Of course I want to see you.

Get over here.

My ex-husband's coming over.

Uh, how do I look?

Well, look who suddenly cares how she looks.

Look who should start.

No, seriously.

Now, why would you care to impress some

guy you're not with anymore?

Well, I still care what he thinks.

I like him.

Like, the only reason we split up is

because he wanted to keep traveling around and

I wanted to settle down.

It's not like he had an affair and

ran off with someone else.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry, Jake.

So, Beckham, you curious to check this guy

out?

No, why would I be?

Well, I'm just saying, if I asked someone

out and got rejected over and over and

over...

What's your point?

...and over, I would want to know who

made the cut.

I mean, they had an amazing life together.

They traveled all over the world.

Did you know they had sex in 29

different countries?

This one time, they were in a gondola

in Venice.

She told you that?

Hey, you don't just leave your journal in

your purse if you don't want anybody to

read it.

Oh, my God, Becca, check out Roger.

He's gorgeous.

Um, excuse me.

Could I get by?

Thanks.

Uh, is Chris Conner here?

Roger?

Oh, hi.

Hey.

That's Roger.

He's like eight years old.

You look great.

Well, so do you.

So do you.

Well, so what are you doing here?

Oh, well, I'm flying to Australia.

Had a one-day stopover and figured I'd

check up on you.

Well, here I am.

Yes, and look at you.

Look at you with your fancy restaurant and

your cash register and your right to refuse

service to anyone.

Hey, Becca, I got something in my nose.

Which reminds me, Roger, this is Bob, John,

and Jake.

How's it going?

So sit down.

Have a cup of coffee.

Oh, actually, I can't.

I've got to do some errands in the

city, but I thought you could come with

me.

Maybe we could catch up.

Oh, I don't know.

There's usually a breakfast rush and...

Oh, am I kidding?

They're already here.

Jake, watch the place for me, will you?

I'll do my best.

Oh, man, that's great.

Why?

Because her ex-husband is less Indiana Jones

and more Harry Potter?

No, no.

It's not a competition.

You know, I'm sure he's got interesting qualities.

Yeah, that's it.

Harry Potter.

Oh, Margaret, you're not going to believe this.

I just drove up and there it was

just sitting in the street waiting for me

to take it.

You mean that tie?

Because frankly, I don't see who'd fight you

for it.

No, no, no, no.

The parking spot out front.

Oh, so you finally got it.

What's it been, 10 years?

More like 11.

Fat bastard Grappelli keeps parking his bakery truck

there every morning at 4 a.m. Leaves

it there all day for spite.

Not today.

Today it's mine.

No offense, but you're getting way too excited

over a parking spot.

Get a girlfriend.

Trust me, he's never wanted a woman as

much as he wanted that spot.

You know, all in all, it's been a

pretty good morning.

What else happened?

You find a quarter at a payphone?

No, I said good, not great.

Actually, I met Chris's ex doofus.

I mean, husband.

Well, I tell you, where do you see

him?

I just don't get it.

Anyway, pay attention here.

It's up to the two of you to

keep that meter fed all day long, all

right?

Oh, gosh, I can't wait for Grappelli to

come out and see my car in his

spot.

It's going to kill him.

Seriously, get a girlfriend.

No, it's okay, Vanessa.

You don't have to take me out to

dinner, huh?

Yeah, I don't much feel like going out.

Or eating.

Or living.

I don't get it.

That's like the fifth time that woman's called.

She's totally hitting on you.

Yeah, I guess.

I don't care.

How can a woman find that attractive?

I mean, you're like an abandoned puppy.

You just sit there and whimper.

Wait a minute.

Bob's formulating a theory.

I've been going about this all along.

My whole life, I've been covering up my

fault, trying to be cool.

It didn't work.

Did I say that it worked?

That's my point.

Women say they want cool, but what they

really want is some pathetic slob to cradle

in their bosom.

And that's you?

Are you kidding me?

I reek pathetic.

I sweat failure.

I just had a great idea.

First one's always exciting, isn't it?

Chris around?

No, she and Roger haven't come back yet.

Since this morning?

Oh, that's right.

He's going away on a trip.

She probably had to sell name tags in

his underwear.

Sounds like it bothers you.

Doesn't bother me.

Hey, Jake, sorry I'm late.

Stopped for coffee, and once we started talking,

I completely lost track of time.

Go figure.

She finds me fascinating.

So what are you going to be doing

in Australia, Roger?

A friend of mine and I, we built

this boat.

We're just going to sail around a little.

Oh, you built it yourself?

Is it a rowboat, a raft, Tom Sawyer

kind of thing?

No, it's more like a 50-foot catamaran

kind of thing.

Wow, that sounds impressive.

Roger doesn't like to brag, but he raced

in the 95 America's Cup.

Oh.

Well, you know, once in college, we took

a road trip to Vermont.

Oh, oh, that was the end of that

story.

I don't know.

We drove all night.

We saw the sun come up.

Well, there's something you don't see every day.

Oh, wait.

Yes, yes, you do.

Listen, I've got a lot of things to

do before I leave.

Oh, wait, Roger, here's my key.

It's apartment 4B.

Right.

I'll see you later.

Road trip.

Cool.

So Roger's staying with you, is he?

Yeah, it's just one night.

Why waste money on a hotel?

Yeah, exactly.

You probably have a lot to catch up

on.

It's a good idea.

Glad you think so.

Well, I do.

I do.

Liar.

Shut up.

Uh, hey, why is John sitting on his

car giving the finger to that guy in

the bakery?

Be glad you weren't here ten minutes ago.

He moaned him.

It wasn't pretty.

Why don't I use your lunch?

So, John said your ex-husband is in

town.

Yeah, just till tomorrow.

Ugh, sex with an ex is amazing.

Well, he is spending the night, but sleeping

together, probably not the best idea.

Oh, so that's why you split up, because

the sex is bad.

Oh, no.

Linda, people break up for all kinds of

reasons.

Like, they, uh, they fight constantly.

Because the sex is bad.

No, sometimes they just grow apart.

Because the sex is bad.

Actually, that wasn't the case with us.

In fact, with Roger, it was quite the

opposite.

Oh, really?

We just had this chemistry.

He was sensitive, spontaneous.

It was mind-blowing.

I know that feeling.

Really?

Fine, I remember that feeling.

There was, there was just something incredible about

Roger.

You know, I remember this one time.

Yeah, April Foley, you're gonna die waiting for

that parking spot.

And then I'm gonna take a cab to

your funeral, so I still don't have to

move my car.

God, this is fun.

That's a little harsh, don't you think?

Oh, I was just kidding.

No way I'd go to his funeral.

So, where's the ex?

Just hanging out at my place.

Huh?

Without a babysitter?

I, it's because he's younger than you.

But then again, who isn't?

See you later.

Have a good night.

Stop it.

What was that all about?

It's about sex with Chris and her ex

-husband.

It was amazing.

Actually, he was amazing.

You know, I don't want to hear about

this.

You know, just because he's staying there doesn't

mean something's gonna happen.

I don't know.

She said he's incredible.

I think she said mind-blowing.

You know, exactly when did sex go from

an expression of intimacy between two people to

an Olympic sport?

I mean, suddenly it's not good enough you

love someone?

Now you have to have skills?

You know, what's, what's next?

A spiraling body twist with a quadruple dismount?

Make sure you stretch before you try that.

Oh, yes.

Hey!

John.

Oh, right.

Road trip.

Uh, what are you doing here?

I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

Well, you actually, uh...

Good, good, good, good.

You know, I was gonna have this, uh,

movie night.

You know, I got a, I got some

videos, some beers, some Mexican food, but then

my, my VCR went out, and then I

thought about you guys up here all by

yourself alone, and I thought, well, hell, don't

be selfish.

Come on up here and let's have a

party.

Anyway, I got, uh, I got some nachos.

I got some guacamole.

I got bean and cheese burritos.

I mean, sure makes your breath stink, but

then who's kissing who around here, right?

Well, this sure is cozy.

Oh, don't you just love this movie?

I remember, I remember once in college we

had this dirty dozen marathon.

We actually watched it a dozen times in

a row.

Wow, you guys were renegades, huh?

Yeah, we were pretty out there.

Okay, what do we got next here?

All right, we got Platoon.

Wait, wait, wait.

Dear honey.

In that whole stack of videos, you don't

have one romance movie?

Yeah, you know, it just didn't seem like

that kind of night.

No, I, I am not sitting through another

war.

I'm going to bed.

All right.

Good night.

Good night.

Oh, boy, she's no fun, is she?

You want a beer?

Let me ask you a question.

Yeah.

Are, uh, are you and Chris going out?

What?

Well, you coming over here, the food, the

movies, the sitting between us on the couch.

I got the feeling you were trying to

keep us apart.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I just like to have fun.

I'm a, I'm a, uh, a people person.

Yeah, yeah, that's, uh, that's how you struck

me.

So, so if you're not seeing her, is

she dating anybody else?

No, I really don't know.

I try to stay out of other people's

business.

Well, if you're not dating her and neither

is anybody else, maybe I've got a chance.

What?

No, what are you talking about?

No, you had your chance.

You're divorced.

Those are the rules.

Look, all I know is I'm getting a

feeling from her that there's still something going

on between us.

I mean, she seemed really happy to see

me.

Well, that's probably the medication.

The medication?

Well, yeah, the therapy alone's not doing it.

Wait, she's, she's in therapy?

Well, not that, you know, three, four times

a week.

Look, you know, I don't know what went

on between the two of you, but apparently

some damage was done, my friend.

Well, you know what I think, my friend?

I think you're full of it.

I think you did come up here to

keep us apart because you like her and

suddenly I'm a threat.

See, I don't, where are you getting that?

Come on, have a beer, chill.

You know what?

I got, I got a long flight ahead

of me.

Why don't we call it a night?

No, see, that's all the more reason to

stay up.

You can sleep on the plane.

Come on.

Look, I got an eclipse now, platoon, deer

hunter.

Is that your cell phone?

Oh, it's nothing, you know, probably just business.

Aren't you a doctor?

Fine, fine, I'll get it.

What?

Well, how do you know you have an

ulcer?

Are you a doctor?

Oh, well, see, you were wrong.

That'd be a bleeding ulcer.

All right, I'll meet you in the emergency

room, you big baby.

Got to run, huh?

That's too bad.

Well, you know what if I come back

afterwards?

Oh, that's okay.

I'm sure I'll be in bed by then.

What?

Hey, Jake.

Hey, buddy.

You have a good night.

Is that your way of saying you did

it and you want to brag about it?

Sure is.

Remember that girl Vanessa that kept calling?

Well, she stopped by the house with a

bottle of wine, said she wanted to get

my mind off Amanda and I'll be damned

if she didn't do just that.

So I was right.

Women are attracted to lonely, pathetic guys.

In fact, cute blonde just walked in.

I'm going to test this theory out.

Just hope I can pull it off.

Well, pathetic and lonely, you could do that

in your sleep.

Excuse me.

Mind if I join you?

Please do.

I'm Bob.

Susan.

So what do you do, Bob?

At the moment, sort of recovering.

From alcohol?

Broken heart.

Oh.

And alcohol.

That is so sad.

I know how you feel.

You're lonely and desperate, right?

You picked up on that?

I knew you were desperate the second you

sat down.

Boy, you don't really get me.

Listen, Bob.

I wish I could stay and talk and

really get to know you, but I have

to be somewhere.

If I gave you my number, would you

call me?

At least 17 times a day.

Good.

Bye.

See you.

Did you hear that, Jake?

It worked like a charm.

She's totally into me.

Yeah, it sounded that way.

She gave you her number, right?

Yep.

Right here on her business card.

Oh, cool.

But where does she work?

At the suicide hotline.

I'm sorry, Bob.

Sorry?

Don't be sorry.

She's cute.

She gave me a number, and those people

aren't allowed to hang up on you.

She can be the one.

Hey, Beth.

I just got a woman's number.

Call her quick before she changes it.

Hey, Chris.

Chris.

Can I have some coffee out here, please?

Oh, fun's over.

Hey, road trip.

How's it going?

Uh, listen, Chris.

You know, I would love to stay, but

I have got to get back to the

airport.

Oh, gee, I'd like to drive you, but

I got this really great parking spot.

I always think there's going to be more

to your stories.

Roger, I had a great time in Australia.

Oh, so good to see you.

I'm going to miss you.

Well, you wouldn't have to if you came

with me.

What?

Come on.

Come on.

This place, this isn't for you.

You can't be happy.

Happy?

Of course she's happy.

She loves it here.

Just the other day, she said, John, I

love it here.

John.

Fine, fine.

I'll go.

Yeah, just so you know, Australia has the

deadliest spiders in the world.

Information, you know, file it away.

Listen, Chris.

I've given this a lot of thought.

Yeah.

I mean it.

Come with me.

You know, even if I wanted to, I

can't just leave.

I'm settled here.

So take a vacation.

Come for two weeks.

Roger, please.

I can't.

No, I really, I can't.

Okay.

You need time to think.

Take a ride with me to the airport.

We'll talk about it on the way.

No, no, no.

I can't.

I.

Okay.

Okay.

Just to the airport.

That's as far as I go.

That's cute.

You said the same thing on our first

date.

Margaret, Dr. Becker's car is gone.

They must've towed it.

Why didn't you put money in the meter?

It was already gone when I got here.

Besides, it was your turn to feed the

meter.

I know.

I was all ready.

I left my clothes out.

I put the coffee pot on a timer.

I even set three alarm clocks.

So what happened?

I didn't sleep at home.

You have to tell him you forgot.

Why would I do that?

Because he's gonna kill me when he finds

out.

Please, Margaret, please, please, please.

Oh, all right.

I'll tell him I forgot.

He's not gonna fire me.

I know too much.

Oh, thank you, Margaret.

I'll never forget this.

You saved my life.

It was her fault.

She got your car towed.

She forgot to put money in the meter.

Linda.

You're a saint, Margaret.

She's the irresponsible one, not me.

Doesn't matter.

That's it?

That's all she gets?

You're not gonna yell at her?

So they towed it.

You know, who cares?

Maybe it doesn't even belong in the Bronx.

Maybe it'd be better off in Australia.

Probably be happier.

You know, I don't care.

That's strange.

You know what?

I'll take the blame for this one.

You get the next one, okay?

What the hell is the matter with you?

This morning at the diner, you wouldn't leave

us alone.

And then last night, that whole routine with

the food and the videos, what was that

all about?

Are you not gonna tell me?

I'll tell you.

You were up there because you're jealous.

Of what?

Roger, just admit it.

You were afraid if you left us alone,

we'd knock one off for old time's sake.

So did you?

None of your business.

Fine, you know what?

I don't care.

The only reason why I went up there

was to save you from yourself.

Oh, oh, oh, this ought to be good.

No, go, go, go.

Oh, please.

From the moment the guy walked in, you

were all over him.

Oh, my ex-husband's here.

How do I look?

Stay in my apartment?

Oh, God, it's painfully obvious.

You don't understand the rules of divorce.

There are rules?

Please enlighten me.

It's a classic rookie mistake to look at

your ex and only remember the good.

You can't skip over resentment and hate.

Those are the cornerstones of a successful divorce.

So if you were with one of your

ex-wives, you wouldn't mind if I barged

in on you?

They would never come here.

They know the rules.

They hate me, as they should.

Well, Roger and I happen to care about

each other very much.

Oh, yeah, right.

You know you care about each other so

much.

How come you're not on your way to

Australia?

I have my reasons.

Name one.

Fine, fine.

I didn't go for the same reason we

got divorced, because I am ready to settle

down and he's not.

Oh, right, yeah, and it has absolutely nothing

to do with me, right?

Yeah, you're not going to Australia because you

still have feelings for me.

You're just afraid to admit it.

Come on, you big chicken.

Admit it.

Admit it.

Do you really think I'd make a life

-changing decision based on you?

I can't even believe there's enough room in

here for the three of us.

Me, you, and your ego.

Good night.

Good night.

Stay here for him.

Oh, my God, what was I thinking?

you