Original subtitles

(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) Chris, get me some coffee, a couple of

eggs, some hash browns, some white toast, some

bacon.

What's going on?

Where's Chris?

She's in the back with the fire marshal.

He dropped in for a surprise inspection.

Oh, well, this place is a fire trap.

If he shuts it down, I'm going to

have to find some other place to eat.

Oh, this is not good for me at

all.

Now, why is it whenever something in the

world happens, suddenly it's all about you?

Suddenly?

It's always been that way.

You know, this affects us too, Becca.

What's your point?

In my defense, I had no idea that

was a sprinkler system.

I just used it to hang pots.

Well, I'm going to have to write you

up.

You got to get those sprinklers in working

order.

Oh, come on.

I'm very careful around here.

I have to be.

I don't have any insurance.

Besides, it's going to be expensive enough to

fix this.

If I have to pay a fine, too,

it's just going to break me.

Listen, lady, there's nothing I can do about

that.

You know what?

I'm sorry I lost my temper.

You were just doing your job.

I mean, what if there really were a

fire?

Bet you could throw some food on the

flames and cook us breakfast.

I, for one, just want to say thank

you.

You may have saved our lives.

Oh, you work it, girl.

Yeah, well, we inspectors always get overlooked.

And it's not fair.

Those damn hook and ladder guys get all

the glory.

Well, if you ask me, it's you guys

with the clipboards who are the real heroes.

If I'd actually had anything to eat, I'd

throw up.

So, I'll take care of everything.

And again, thanks for looking out for me.

Yeah, well, I was just doing my job.

Look, I tell you what, you've been very

nice.

You fix the sprinklers, we'll forget about the

ticket.

Oh, how sweet is that?

Oh, thank you, thank you.

I'll take care of everything.

Oh, brother, it's you guys with the clipboards.

You're the real heroes.

And thank you for looking out for me.

You should see me without a top on.

I never said that.

I think it was implied.

It's unbelievable.

You just flirted your way out of the

ticket.

I was not flirting.

I was just being friendly.

Oh, come on.

Even I can see you were all over

that guy.

Women like you are the reason why I

get all those traffic tickets.

Oh, all right.

I can't wait to hear this.

You flirt your way out of them, and

the cops have to make their quota by

giving tickets to men.

You know, Sunday, I bet I could get

out of a ticket, too, if I had

breasts.

Just give it a few years.

How would you like it if I went

to your office and used your front steps

as a toilet?

Stupid dog.

Good morning.

Mr. Whitford is waiting for you in one.

What's he want?

To bask in the warmth of your sunny

disposition.

That was good.

And completely inappropriate.

Oh, listen, Margaret, there's a nosy fire marshal

going around the neighborhood handing out fines.

If he comes here, all you got to

do is bat your eyelashes at him and,

you know, throw him a flirty compliment.

Linda, just, uh, yeah, stand there and wear

that.

Wait a minute.

Is that all I'm good for, to stand

around looking pretty?

That was on your resume.

It also said I could type.

Mr. Whitford, what can I do for you?

I need Viagra, and I need it now.

You want to at least buy me a

drink first?

It's just that my wife and I have

spent months trying to get pregnant with no

luck, so she went out and bought all

the books, you know, with the charts and

the graphs.

So now I'm getting calls in the middle

of the day to run home because she's

ready.

But lately, when she's ready, I'm kind of

not.

Have you had this kind of sexual problem

before?

This isn't sex.

This is work.

I'm just punching in and punching out.

Well, until lately, you know.

Uh, look, can I just get those pills?

Because I've got to be home and ready

to go in 37 minutes.

Yeah, it's not that simple.

I'm going to have to run some tests.

Not everybody is a candidate for Viagra.

Oh, no.

Amy doesn't like it when she sends me

out for stuff and I come back without

it.

This is so crazy to have to go

through all this.

But she really wants a kid, so...

You don't want to have any?

Well, I never really thought much about it.

She just assumed that I did, so I

assume that I do.

Well, you know, having kids is a pretty

big responsibility.

You have kids?

No, they annoy me.

You know, if you don't want any, you

shouldn't have any.

You do have a vote, you know.

No, actually, we voted on that, and I

don't.

Come on, you know, be a man.

Stand up for yourself.

You've got to be firm.

Don't be such a softy.

Uh, that's kind of what brought me here

in the first place.

I'm sorry.

Hey, Chris, give me a grilled cheese sandwich,

some french fries, maybe...

Well, where is she this time?

Well, she's in the back trying to fix

the sprinkler system herself.

Why, you know, why are you doing that?

Why don't you just pay a plumber to

fix it?

Because a plumber would charge me hundreds of

dollars.

Then why don't you just flirt with a

plumber and get him to do it for

free?

Are you talking about this morning?

Because I was not flirting with that fire

marshal.

I was just being friendly.

Besides, I don't need to call anybody.

I can do this myself.

I have an uncle who happened to be

a plumber, and he taught me a lot.

Oh, a girl plumber?

That's like a girl doctor.

It's like a joke.

Oh, really?

Really?

Well, since I'm just a girl trying to

do a man's job, maybe you can help

me.

Is the three-quarter inch gasket on the

cross-flow switch are interchangeable with the one

on the intake valve?

Yes?

No.

No.

Boy, you can't walk two feet in this

town without some bum hitting you up for

money.

Jake, I'm taking the candy bar.

I'll pay you later.

Excuse me, sir.

You know you just cross the street in

the middle of the block?

Yeah, so what's the problem?

You were jaywalking.

I'm going to have to write you a

ticket.

For jaywalking?

In New York?

You've got to be kidding me.

I'm going to need some ID.

What?

You want to see my walker's license?

You're going to impound my shoes?

Are we going to have a problem here?

Oh, hey, hey, you're not doing yourself any

favor here.

Jacob, Bob, be nice.

Nice, huh?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, well, it worked for you, right?

Mm-hmm.

All right, uh, look, you know, sometimes I

shoot my mouth off, but, uh, I'm really

sorry, officer.

Uh, bacon.

It's bikini.

Right, right, right, right.

I mean, if you were a cop named

Bacon, that would be ridiculous.

You know what?

This was all my fault.

Really, you were just doing your job.

As a matter of fact, you may have

very well saved my life.

Well, thanks for saying that.

Well, you guys, I mean, you're the real

heroes.

I mean, I have tremendous respect for cops,

ever since I saw Dirty Harry.

You like Dirty Harry, huh?

Oh, I love it.

I watch it every chance I get.

You know the show ended tonight at a

revival theater down in the village.

Really?

Maybe I'll go see it.

Actually, I was going to catch you, too.

You want to meet there?

Sure, why not?

Um, Bob...

Shut up, I'm working here.

Eight o'clock, Greenwich Theater on West Broadway.

Sounds great.

Uh, Bob...

Shut up!

So I'll see you tonight, right?

Great.

Amazing.

You were right, did you see that?

I just talked myself out of a ticket.

And I got a date with the cop,

don't I?

Excuse me, but could I see the doctor?

Do you have an appointment?

No, I'm just a little bit upset with

him.

Oh, that happens a lot around here.

What did he do to you?

My husband, Barry Whitford, came in here this

morning, and the doctor convinced him not to

have children.

Oh, I am so sorry.

Sometimes that man just doesn't know when to

shut up.

I want a baby more than anything else

in the world, and until this morning, I

thought that Barry did, too.

Oh, you poor thing.

The doctor hates children because he hates himself.

Just an observation.

We already picked out names.

Ashley for a girl, Jack for a boy.

We registered at Baby Gap.

They have the cutest little khakis.

Mariana, I need you to talk to me.

What is wrong with you?

This woman wants to get pregnant.

I don't even know her.

This is Barry Whitford's wife, the man you

told not to have children.

What?

No, I never said that.

At 11.17 this morning, I was ovulating

like a salmon.

If you had just given my husband those

stupid pills, I'd be two hours pregnant by

now.

Nice one, John.

Yeah, nice one.

Look, I never said not to have kids.

I told him to think before he had

kids.

Telling my husband what to think is my

job.

Look, look.

Your husband expressed some doubts about having kids.

I just said that it's a decision that

the two of you should make together.

Doubts?

So he really doesn't want to have children?

No, I never said that.

He hates children?

No, no, I said that you should agree

on it.

Oh, you're absolutely right.

If my husband doesn't want to have children,

I've got to find somebody who does.

Well, no, I never said that.

Did any of you hear me say that?

No, but it certainly sounds like you.

Okay, Mr. Fernauer, you can go ahead and

get dressed.

I'll meet you in the office.

Oh, just a little advice.

At a certain age, a speedo becomes a

speedon't.

Oh, for...

You told my wife to leave me?

I never said that.

Well, you said something, because she's got her

bags packed and she's ready to walk out

the door.

Yeah, look, can we just talk about this?

Look, when I was in here this morning,

that was just a case of cold feet.

I love my wife.

I want to have children with her.

Well, good, have children.

Just leave me out of it.

Fine, but I'm gonna need that Viagra.

Oh, all right.

Look, I'm sorry, but your blood pressure is

a little high and your EKG came back

slightly irregular.

It's nothing serious, but, you know, I'm just

not comfortable giving you Viagra.

Oh, great.

Now what am I supposed to do?

I mean, how am I supposed to get

excited if I don't feel excited?

I don't...

I don't know.

You know, maybe you just need to find

ways to spice up your sex life.

What does that mean?

How does a person just spice up his

sex life?

Oh, you put on outfits, fantasy role play,

have sex in different places, like at a

restaurant or a phone booth.

There are handcuffs, sex toys, videos, lotions, oils,

tantric massage, lingerie.

Linda!

Oh, but just so you know, I have

edible underwear very high in carbs.

I am so sorry.

Linda, please, I'm with a patient.

Leave her alone.

Oh, sorry.

Well?

What she said.

Okay, I want some eggs and bacon, some

toast and...

Oh, for...

Where is she now?

Damn stupid!

I take it breakfast is not happening.

Well, we have no sprinklers, no water, no

coffee.

And if I were you, I'd pee down

at the gas station.

Yeah, who called it, huh?

Hey, guys.

Oh, Bobby, so how was your date?

Were you the good cop or the very,

very bad cop?

Shut up.

He didn't show.

I got stood up.

Why are you so upset?

You were in here whining for two hours

that you didn't want to date with a

cop, that you just wanted to get out

of a ticket.

All I'm saying is that if he wasn't

going to show, he could have at least

picked up the phone and called.

You gave him your phone number?

No, but he could have called the theater

and asked if there was a good-looking

guy waiting out front.

Maybe he did.

All I know is that now I've been

stood up by both sexes.

It doesn't feel good.

I'm sick of people.

Get a dog.

Dogs don't like me.

Oh.

You're not going to believe this.

I had the sprinkler head in position, and

then I broke the pintle screw.

Oh, not the pintle screw.

You know, I hate it when that happens.

You know, I thought I could do this,

but I can't.

Every time I get the frame in place,

I can't screw it in.

Well, you want me to go take a

look at it?

You working on your sprinkler system?

No, I'm playing golf.

Well, if you're using that 16-inch pipe

wrench, it's got more torque than you need.

That's why you broke the pintle screw.

Wow, you, uh, really seem to know what

you're talking about.

Are you a plumber?

No, I'm a caddy.

Swing and a miss.

Strike one.

I never realized how difficult plumbing was until

I tried to do it myself.

Whatever.

Foul ball.

Strike two.

You, uh, you must be really smart.

I mean, you know, with all the wrenches

and bolts and stuff.

Any chance I could get you to take

a look at it?

Yeah.

For 90 bucks an hour.

Strike three, and that's the ball game.

Hey, let me get this straight.

Now, is flirting bad, or are you just

bad-ass?

I was not flirting, I was...

Oh, leave me alone.

Uh-oh, Bobby, officer boyfriend's here.

Look, I wanted to come in and apologize

for last night.

Oh, that's right, the movie.

We were supposed to meet there.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, I got a call at the

end of my shift.

There was an armed robbery at a liquor

store.

Mm-hmm.

Turned into a high-speed chase, it was

on the news.

That was you?

I mean, I might have saw something about

that.

It got a little hairy, shots were fired.

From real guns?

Wow, did you catch the guy?

I mean, how fast were you driving?

Were you scared?

When you're a cop, you learn to live

with fear.

But we got him, and luckily no one

was hurt.

Well, sit down, tell me all about it.

Actually, I gotta run, but if you want,

we can talk more about this tonight.

Let's say dinner at Dominick's, 8 o'clock.

Great!

See you then.

Did you hear that?

He was in a high-speed chase, and

I just made another date with a cop,

didn't I?

Hey, look, wait.

I gotta tell you, I'm not gay.

Neither am I.

I'm just a lonely guy reaching out for

a little human companionship.

Oh, okay, well, well, see you later, Officer

Bikini.

Call me Francis.

Look, if Mr. and Mrs. Whitford call, please

tell them I'm not here.

I don't blame you for wanting to avoid

them after the mess you made of their

lives.

Look, do we have to go over again

what I did and did not say?

It sure would help me.

Oh, no, no, I can't listen to that

again.

I'm going for a walk, so just please

tell them I'm not here.

Well, if you're going for a walk, then

you won't be here.

Exactly.

So why'd you even bring it up?

If they called here and you weren't here,

we'd say you weren't here.

He wants us to say he's not here

because he knows he screwed up.

I did not.

Look, those people are driving me crazy, so

even though I'm going now, when I come

back or whenever they call, I still want

you to tell them I'm not here.

Couldn't I just tell them you're at a

medical conference?

You know, Margaret, if I ever snap that

one, first to go.

Oh, look at this.

Why did you tell my husband that we

should have a three-way with my sister?

You said that?

No, I never said that.

Excuse me.

Dr. Becker's at a medical conference.

Linda.

Oh, sorry.

He's out for a walk.

Look, all your husband said was that things

between the two of you had gotten a

little routine.

Oh, so now he thinks that I'm boring

in bed?

No, he never said that.

Well, obviously he said that to her, and

he must have gotten it from somewhere.

Look, I don't know what he said to

her.

I just know what he said to me,

and what I said to him was, you

know, maybe you should use a little imagination

in the bedroom.

Oh, that's all you said?

I heard something about handcuffs, outfits, videos, lotions.

You said that?

No, you said that.

Oh, so now you're blaming Linda.

Well, I...

Fine, fine.

You want me to make it more exciting

for my husband?

I'll invite over the super, my next-door

neighbor, and the mailman, and then in nine

months, Barry can try to figure out who

the father is.

All right, but when you talk to your

husband, remember, you said that, I didn't.

Bet you wish you were at that medical

conference now.

All right.

Oh, shoot!

What?

I'm sorry to bother you.

Why is it so dark in here?

Hey, you know, I hit those off for

a reason.

You know, I'm trying to relax.

I've had a very bad day.

Are you raising pigeons?

Oh, no, it's a relaxation machine.

It makes those nature noises.

It's supposed to help reduce stress.

You'd be amazed how many people give them

to me for Christmas.

I'm amazed anyone gives you gifts at all.

Hey, you know, be nice to me, will

you?

I've had a really crappy day.

I've been stalked by this crazy couple who

want to have a baby, you know?

I just want to get away from people

and all their insecurities and neuroses.

Okay, then I'll make this quick.

Do you think I'm pretty?

What?

Come on, how would you rate me?

Give me a number.

You know, seven, eight, ten.

Ten.

Why are you doing this?

Because I flirted my ass off with that

plumber.

I gave him the hair twirl, the cleavage,

the pouty lips, I got nothing.

Ah, yeah, so you were flirting.

Well, of course I was flirting.

I am a woman, that's what we do.

I mean, what do you think these are

for?

Your pleasure?

They're to get stuff done.

What the hell's wrong with you telling my

wife she's boring in bed?

How did you find out where I live?

That sex toy girl at your office told

me.

Oh, definitely the first to go.

Hi.

Look, look, I never told your wife she

was boring in bed.

Ray, how did you know his wife was

boring in bed?

I never said that.

Well, you must have said something.

What are those, birds?

I knew I couldn't trust you.

What are you doing here?

I turn my back for one second and

you come running over here to complain to

him about our sex life.

Who's this?

Hi.

Is she with you?

Oh, God, no.

And what's that supposed to mean?

Oh, I see what's going on here.

You're having an affair with her and that's

why you have nothing left for me.

Her?

Oh, come on.

Hey, hey, what's wrong with me?

Look, look, look, nobody is sleeping with anybody

around here.

Yeah, it's because you wouldn't give me the

damn Viagra.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, I meant it.

What's wrong with me?

You can take all the pills you want

to, Barry.

I am never sleeping with you again after

this.

Are there birds in here?

No, it's the damn relaxation machine.

A lot of good it's doing me.

You know, I made a conscious choice not

to have any kids.

Now, all of a sudden, I got two

of them.

You know, you're loud, you're whiny, you're irrational,

you don't do anything I say.

Put that down, you're gonna break it.

Look, for God's sake, you know, you are

the last people on Earth who should ever

reproduce.

Are you gonna let him speak to us

that way?

Well, are you?

Are you?

Will you shut up?

What?

Just stop telling me what to do.

You're the reason I can't have sex because

you keep deciding when we're having it and

where we're having it and how we're having

it.

Well, that is over.

Barry.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

From now on, I make all the sex

decisions.

You can throw out the charts and the

graphs because from now on, we're doing it

for fun and only when I say I'm

ready.

I think I might be ready.

No.

No.

Oh, Barry, I've never seen you this way

before.

I like it.

Let's go home.

Yeah, just go, you know, anywhere.

Can you believe that?

Those people are crazy.

Well, he was, but I kind of liked

her.

What?

Well, you heard her.

She thought I was a threat.

I don't know what I was worried about.

I've still got it.

Oh, yeah, you know what?

Fine.

What's that supposed to mean?

What, do you think I'm kidding myself?

You don't think I'm attractive?

I never said that.

Well, to hell with you.

I don't need your opinion to validate how

I feel about myself.

Oh, I'm sorry.

They really were ready.