Original subtitles

(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) No, you don't understand.

I have called every drug store in this

city and nobody has what I need.

Now, this is a very serious condition.

I could die if I don't get this.

You'll have it here by tomorrow?

Great.

Thank God.

Chris, I had no idea you were sick.

What is it?

Your heart?

My hair.

I ran out of conditioner.

And hey, don't laugh.

This happens to be very serious.

You don't have to tell me.

You think I just wake up looking like

this?

Morning, Chris.

Let me have a great big breakfast for

you.

A couple of eggs, a couple of sausages.

I tell you, everything tastes so much better

now that I've quit smoking.

Bob, is there any chance you used Sculpt

and Shine leave-in conditioner for pearls by

Sundora?

No, but you can try my styling lathe

for men by Jamon.

I tried it.

It gave my hair a matte finish.

Oh, I hate when that happens.

Maybe you guys didn't hear me.

I quit smoking.

You know, it's really scary if I go

too long without conditioner.

I should have stocked up.

I was playing with fire.

I don't know what you were thinking, sister.

That's a dangerous game.

You know what else is a dangerous game?

Smoking.

You know, I have never gone so much

as two days without my conditioner.

Yeah, speaking of two days, it's been two

whole days since I've had a cigarette.

Hey, Jake.

How are you doing?

I'm not so sure.

Something's bothering me.

Yeah, well, if you're afraid I started smoking

again, don't worry.

I haven't.

Now, tell me if this sounds bad, all

right?

Now, last night, Amanda and I were, well,

in the middle of things.

Not bad so far.

What?

Am I even here?

Anyway, we were in bed, and I couldn't

tell if she was yelling out, oh, man,

or oh, Stan.

It's Stan.

Oh, how do you know?

Wearing a shirt that has Stan written on

it.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

It is possible that Amanda bought him a

shirt and the designer's name is Stan.

Yeah, and that's his logo, you know, like

Ralph Lauren, Tommy Hilfiger, or Stan.

What are you talking about?

It's one of those shirts that delivery guys

wear.

They bring stuff to my office all the

time.

Yeah, but why would a delivery guy be

leaving a shirt in my...

Oh, damn.

Amanda's cheating on me with some guy named

Stan.

Jake, that's terrible.

Yeah, I'm sorry, buddy.

Okay, that's cleared up.

Now, can we get back to me, please?

You know what?

That's it.

I'm gonna go home and talk to Amanda.

Then I'm gonna go take care of this

guy, Stan.

The guy stole my girlfriend, and you know

what?

Come to think of it, my high top's

a missile.

Poor guy.

Poor guy.

His girlfriend cheated on him.

It happens.

I, on the other hand, have gone without

nicotine for two whole days.

You quit smoking?

Yeah, why didn't you say something?

Margaret, I forgot to ask.

The facts come in with Mrs. Gilbert's test

results.

Oh, the results just got here, but they're

not very clear.

Well, of course not to you.

You're not a doctor.

I can't read this.

That's what I was trying to tell you.

The facts machine needs a new film role.

I'll call the repairman.

Well, why?

Because I can't do it myself.

Margaret, if I said I can't do it

myself, I never would have quit smoking, which

I have for the last two days.

Now, maybe it's time you thought about doing

things yourself instead of relying on other people

to do them for you.

Think about it.

Here, file this for me.

You better walk away before I take that

soapbox you're on and beat you with it.

Margaret, what do you think you're doing?

I'm trying to fix the damn facts machine.

You don't know how to do that.

Why don't you just call the repairman?

John won't let me.

Why not?

Who knows?

He quit smoking.

Now he's on his high horse.

Oh, well, that's good he took up riding.

Keep his mind off smoking.

Margaret told me you quit smoking.

Congratulations.

I'm so proud of you.

I'm glad somebody is.

And I want you to know that I'm

happy to be your sponsor.

Sponsor?

You know, the person who stands by your

side and makes sure you never start smoking

again.

I'm great at it.

I'm my mom's sponsor.

She's quit 13 times.

I quit smoking all by myself.

I don't need a sponsor.

Well, sure, not now.

But what happens when you wake up in

the middle of the night with a need

so bad you can hardly stand it?

All you have to do is pick up

the phone, call me, and I'll be there

for you.

Don't be.

I mean, not there in bed next to

you.

God, I got enough problems without sleeping with

my boss.

But don't worry.

I'm not attracted to you at all.

Good.

Seriously.

Good.

No way.

I get it.

Ever.

So when you wake up in the middle

of the night screaming because you want a

cigarette, just call me and I'll be there.

Usually when I feel like screaming, you already

are.

Amanda?

It's me.

Get out here.

I want to talk.

Amanda.

I'm not kidding, Amanda.

I'm serious.

Look, I know all about what's going on

with you and Stan, all right?

I may be blind, but don't think I

can't see what's going on right in front

of my face.

Amanda, look, you can pull this silent routine

as long as you want, but we are

going to talk about this.

I'm just sitting right out here on the

couch.

Just waiting for you.

Why would you do this, Amanda?

I thought we had something special.

All right, well, you can't hide in there

forever, Amanda.

I'll be out here.

Waiting.

Amanda?

Amanda?

Stan?

Chris, get out here already with my breakfast.

I'm starving.

Uh, I'm sorry.

Uh, I want to break the news to

you, but I think your hair is unscrewing.

Oh, my God.

It's starting.

All right, all right, all right.

Calm down.

We can handle this.

First things first.

Give me my breakfast.

Hey, there's a delivery truck.

That guy's supposed to bring my Sculpt and

Shine Leave-In Conditioner for girls by Sundora.

Chris?

Why is he driving away?

Well, that's a good question.

If you just give me my breakfast.

Hey, hey, hey!

Come back here with my Sculpt and Shine

Leave-In Conditioner for girls by Sundora!

Chris?

Chris, it'll only take a second.

I'm getting to the bottom of this.

I'm calling Sundora.

That'd be good.

But before you do that, could you give

me the breakfast?

Because I'm kind of getting a little busy

and...

Chris?

Yeah, hi, hi.

Hello?

Yeah, this is Chris Connor.

I placed an order yesterday.

So did I.

What do you mean it won't be here

till tomorrow?

What?

You promised it would be here overnight.

What?

My breakfast!

Two-day service is not overnight!

It's overnight!

Chris?

Yeah, sorry.

Here, Bob.

All right, so, so, so...

You promised it'll be here tomorrow.

All right, well, thank you.

Wow, you're hungry.

Oh, hey, nice hair.

Couldn't get a cab with a windshield?

Shut up.

She needs her conditioner.

Yeah, if I don't get it, I'm just,

I'm gonna go out of my mind.

Oh, yeah, yeah, just like an addict.

Totally dependent on an external substance for your

happiness.

I used to be like you.

Yeah, but ever since I quit smoking, you

know, I find my, my peace from within.

Oh, what's it been, like three days?

Almost.

That's not the point, though.

The point is that I did it myself,

and I've never felt better in my life.

You don't see me all upset, do you?

You don't see me wigging out.

I think, hey, what the hell are you

thinking, calling me at two o'clock in

the morning?

Sorry, but as your sponsor, I wanted to

make sure you weren't having a craving.

I was having a craving for sleep!

You know, Linda, I have cravings in the

middle of the night, too.

I know, quit calling me.

Hey, Jake.

Well, you're not gonna believe it.

Amanda moved out.

Oh, Jake, I'm sorry.

And she took everything with her, and by

everything, I mean furniture, appliances, my big screen

TV.

Why do you need a big screen?

I just like knowing that I have one.

I can't believe she did that.

Yeah, I can.

I never liked her.

Unless you get back together, then I never

said that.

Well, I found this envelope this morning.

I'm guessing it's a Dear John letter.

I can't believe she left her blind boyfriend

a letter.

That's like breaking up with a deaf guy

over the phone.

All right, Jake, buddy, I'll read it to

you here.

Uh, actually, I forgot my glasses.

Here, why don't you read it?

I have no idea what this says.

Her handwriting is atrocious.

Give it to me.

If I can read Dr. Becker's writing, I

can read anyone's.

Except hers.

What, did she have a stroke?

Will somebody just read the damn letter?

Give it to me.

I'll read it.

See what we got here.

Dear Jake, okay, it's all pretty standard breakup

stuff.

Nothing I haven't seen before.

Oh, here we go.

I've been sleeping with a guy named Stan

for the last six months right under your

nose.

We're running off to Vegas to get married.

All the best, Amanda.

Oh, God.

Oh, now I see why nobody wanted to

read this.

I can't believe it.

I mean, she's going to marry Stan.

It really says it.

Yeah, I mean, you want me to read

it again?

Because there's like a whole paragraph of how

good he is and bad.

Oh, Bob, Bob, enough, enough.

What am I going to do?

Well, you're just going to be a man,

buddy, and take the pain.

That's what I did when I quit smoking.

Oh, please, how can you possibly equate quitting

smoking with Jake losing his girlfriend?

Yeah, you're right.

Yeah, mine's a lot worse.

I can never have another cigarette.

He can always get another woman.

I need to be alone.

You are alone.

She left you.

Jake, don't.

No, no, no, no, no.

Let him go.

Let him go.

If he's ever going to get through this,

he's going to have to toughen up like

I did when I quit smoking.

You know, we shouldn't have let him leave.

He's got no one to talk to.

It's not healthy to keep your feelings bottled

up inside.

I don't keep anything bottled up inside.

Could you?

Excuse me, I have a package for a

Chris Conner.

Oh, my sculpted child, leave the conditioner for

girls by Sandoval.

Finally, it's here.

I don't get it.

What's the big deal?

You don't use hair gel, do you?

What the hell is this?

It's a sex toy.

I ordered something for my hair.

Yeah, well, don't use that.

Your hair looks bad enough already.

Look, you.

I ordered a case of sculpt and shine

leaving conditioner for curls by Sendora.

Now, you go back to your shipping depot.

You find and you bring it back here

before I turn into the bride of Frankenstein.

Before?

Go!

What am I supposed to do with this?

You really want me to tell you in

front of them?

Damn it!

You're still working on that fax machine?

Well, maybe I wouldn't be if someone would

give me a little help.

I'll get Dr. Becker.

Wait a minute.

You just take this role while I figure

out what to do with this end.

Okay.

I'll get it.

Doctor's office?

Yeah, this is a bakery.

That's why I said doctor's office.

Is the world full of stupid people or

is it just me?

It's just you.

You know, there'd be some mornings I'd wake

up and I'd think, you know, why even

get out of bed?

Then I'd look over at the nightstand and

I'd see my little tobacco friend just waiting

there to say, good morning.

You know, and all of a sudden everything

would be okay.

And I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm way past that

now.

You know, not a day goes by I

don't thank my lucky stars that I quit

smoking.

Well, how long has it been?

Uh, let's see, uh, a year from now

it'll be a year and three days.

Oh, for crying out.

Hey, what happened to my gum?

I had a half a stick of gum

in here this morning.

Dr. Becker, are you sure you're all right?

You're showing all the classic signs of relapsing,

but don't worry because I have just the

thing for you.

That's what you got from me?

A cat hanging from a branch?

Don't you get it?

The cat's up a tree, but he's still

hanging in there.

Here.

How's this supposed to help me?

This cat never smoked.

I can't make the roll fit.

I called the company to get the instructions.

What'd they say?

They said they would fax them to me.

I just can't do this.

Well, here, hang in there, baby.

Hey, Jake, you in there?

It's John.

Yeah, come on in.

Didn't you used to have a doorbell out

here?

Amanda took that, too.

Huh.

Oh, you know, I thought this place was

gonna look bad.

It looks fine.

Hey, have a seat.

You want a beer?

No, thank you.

You know, I just thought I'd come by.

I know it's kind of hard on you.

I wanted to see how you were doing.

Well, actually, I'm not doing too good.

Damn, forgot.

No coffee table.

Yeah, you want some pizza?

Huh?

Did you, uh, pay for this by credit

card?

Yeah, actually, I ordered it by phone.

Why?

Well, it looks like you paid $46 for

a small cheese pizza.

Damn, this is just not my day.

I don't know what to do, John.

Do I crawl back to her, or do

I go be stand up?

Because he drove her off into the sunset,

in his big, cool, brown truck.

No, absolutely not.

That'd be weak.

That'd be like me starting smoking again, which

I never do.

Because like I said, you know, that would

be...

That'd be weak.

I miss her so...

I miss her so much, John.

Man, I think I'm doing okay, and then

something will remind me of her.

See, she was the first thing I'd reach

for when I got up in the morning.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Maybe you just gotta put that in the

past.

Yeah, but I don't know if I can.

I mean, John, she was my best friend.

I mean, every time I was around her,

I'd just light up.

Oh, God.

What?

Look, we're just gonna, you know, we're gonna

get through this, buddy.

I mean, you, we're gonna get you through

this.

Thanks, that means a lot.

Yeah.

You know, if you need to, you can

cry.

No, I think I'm gonna be all right.

John?

Are you crying?

No, no, I'm fine.

I, you know, I'm just sad for you,

that's all.

Come on, Chris, get out of here already.

Yeah, we're hungry.

I can't, I'm afraid you'll judge me.

Oh, just put a hat on.

Don't be such a baby.

I already did.

Is it bad?

No, no, not at all.

No, it's a good look for you.

You!

Yeah, what happened to you?

Is that my sculpting shine?

Give it to me.

Yeah, just sign right here?

Sign it yourself.

Hey, uh, hold on for a second there.

Me?

Yeah, you're a delivery guy, right?

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, you work in the neighborhood?

Yeah, I do.

Yeah, your name's not Stan, is it?

No, it's Dave.

Oh, do you know Stan?

What are you talking about?

Hey, don't give me that.

I mean, all you delivery guys are the

same with your brown shorts and your muscular

calves.

I was with the love of my life

for two and a half years and then

one of you guys came and ruined everything.

Oh, damn.

Are you Gloria's husband?

No.

Julie's?

What is it with you guys?

Huh?

Do you just park outside someone's house, wait

for the men to leave, and then go

sleep with their wives?

Yeah, that's terrible.

Are you guys hiring?

Oh, you people are all crazy.

Geez, just let me ride in the truck

with you.

With the scary driving without doors.

I don't believe it.

I'm never gonna see Amanda again.

Oh, buck up, will you?

Well, yesterday you said I could cry.

You still not over that?

Come on, let it go.

John?

What?

I hope you're happy.

I tried to fix that fax machine for

days.

It broke me.

I will pay to have that machine fixed

myself.

Just please don't make me do this anymore.

This is Sculpt and Shine for extra body.

Does this hair look like it needs extra

body?

Is that guy still here?

Maybe what I need is still on the

truck.

Maybe, maybe I have somebody else's and they

have mine.

Oh, no.

What?

People make me sick.

My girlfriend cheated on me.

I can't change her fax.

My hair's too frizzy.

Oh, for God's sake, I haven't had a

cigarette in over five days.

You don't see me whining, do you?

That's because I've got character.

I got strength.

Shut up.

I can't listen to another minute of this.

I'm just trying to help you people.

You know, you are so damn self-righteous.

And annoying.

You know, why don't you just have a

smoke already?

What?

Great, great.

I've only just put something in his mouth

to shut him up.

Hey, hey, smoke.

Oh, oh, yeah, I get it.

I get it.

You think just because I have a pack

of cigarettes in my hands that I'm going

to fall off the wagon, is that it?

You think I'm going to blow five days

of not smoking?

Yeah?

Well, I bet you think that if I

take one drag, I'm going to get hooked

again, right?

Yeah, well, forget it.

I'm not.

Watch this.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Yes, you were.

You were about to smoke this cigarette.

No, I wasn't.

I was just going to, you know, prove

a point.

Give me that.

They said, John, you were going to smoke.

You are just as weak as the rest.

No, I'm not.

I'm not.

I was just going to take one little

puff and then throw it away to show

you how strong I was.

But I didn't even do that.

That's how strong I am.

All I know is there's a little kitty

back at the office who's going to be

very disappointed in you.

I hate that cat.