Original subtitles

(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) You guys are not gonna believe what just

happened.

I just came from the gym.

The gym?

I thought the judge said you couldn't go

back there.

That was the old gym.

Anyway, I'm standing in front of the big

window watching an abs and ass class.

When suddenly, there wheels some guy by with

a sheet over his head.

Was he dead?

No, he was in a Halloween costume.

Yeah, he was dead.

Anyway, the poor schmuck keeled over on the

treadmill.

He was in his thirties, just like me.

I mean, you spend years building a life,

wife, kids, career.

Then one day, it's over.

Well, you got nothing to worry about.

You got none of those things.

Neither do you.

Oh.

I'm driving here, all of a sudden, traffic's

jammed up because there's an ambulance that's double

parked right in front of the gym.

It's just sitting there, blocking the street.

I mean, how rude is that?

A man died there this morning.

Yeah, Bob saw them carry him out.

Just because that guy's having a crappy day

doesn't mean I have to.

Wait a minute, that's not all.

As they wheeled the stretcher by, this cold,

dead hand brushed my leg.

I mean, it was like he was saying,

See you soon, Bob.

Wait a minute.

How do you know my name?

One dead body.

You know, until he sees a med student

jump rope or some guy's small intestine he's

got nothing to bitch about.

You know, suddenly I'm hungry.

Suddenly I'm night.

Is, uh, is that a new sweater?

Oh, yeah, look at that, huh?

Something about it just caught my eye.

99 cent price tag?

How do you know it cost a damn

near four times that much?

It's got a smell.

What's that new clothes smell?

No, it's more like wet dog smell.

Good morning.

Can I help you?

Actually, yeah, I'm looking for Dr. Becker.

Yeah, you know, I'm trying to eat my

breakfast here.

Call the office, make an appointment.

I don't give away free medical advice.

As I recall, you don't give away free

anything.

Obviously, he knows you.

Sorry.

Oh, John, I slept on top of you

for two years.

You'd think you'd remember.

I know who I'd remember.

Oh, my God, Rick Cooper.

This, this guy was my roommate at Harvard.

Oh, bunk beds.

Oh, because I, yeah, yeah, thanks.

Hey, sit down over here.

Let's catch up.

Boy, you look great.

Oh, thanks, man.

So do you.

Uh, except, what happened to all, you know,

the, the big hair?

Do you really want to talk about hair?

Not really, no, no.

Let me see, now, the last time I

saw you, you were...

You were wearing that raincoat.

Yeah, well, you know, high quality, at last.

Yeah.

Last time I saw you, you were, uh,

in a bar in Boston, stark naked, doing

tequila shots.

Yeah.

What have you been doing all these years?

Pretty much the same.

Pretty much the same thing.

Actually, that's kind of why I came to

see you.

Oh, I, I don't drink that much anymore.

Oh, I don't either.

I'm in AA.

Oh, well, good for you.

How's it going?

Yeah, pretty good, pretty good.

Yeah, yeah, I've fallen off the wagon a

couple of times, but, uh, I'm doing all

right now.

You know, working the steps.

In fact, one of the things I encourage

you to do is to look up people

that you screwed over in the past and

apologize.

I don't remember you doing anything bad to

me.

We were friends.

Okay.

Hold that thought.

You remember that, uh, $200 you were saving

to go to Woodstock?

Well, I stole it.

So thanks to you, I missed a major

part of history?

Hey, so did a lot of us who

were there.

Well, I was in one concert 30 years

ago.

Okay.

Wait, there's more.

You're seeing your thesis.

I took it off your desk and put

my name on it.

I got an incomplete.

I-I damn near didn't get into med

school.

I know.

I'm sorry.

Did you do anything else to me in

college?

No.

Well, there was our 10th reunion.

I didn't go to our 10th reunion.

I know, but your wife did, and we

kind of...

You slept with my wife?

Look, I know what I did was horrible.

Listen, John, I'm just trying to work through

some of the damage I did in the

past instead of trying to drown it, okay?

Now, it would mean a lot to me

if you could find it in your heart

to-to forgive me.

Oh, I bet it would.

Go to hell.

Mr. Lerner, I can't give you drugs just

because your in-laws are in town.

Look.

You're just gonna have to drink to kill

the pain like everybody else.

Now, go away.

All right, who-who's up?

What is that smell?

I don't smell anything.

I think it's your sweater.

My sweater does not smell.

Now, just tell me, who's up?

Please.

Mrs. Root's waiting in room one, and that

guy Rick Cooper called you again.

You want me to get him?

No, I don't want you to get him.

He calls again, you tell him I'm out

of town or I died, I don't care.

Would you pick one of those?

I don't want it to look like I

have a preference.

Where are you going all dressed up?

Out to lunch.

With who?

A girlfriend.

What's her name?

Shirley Williams.

Oh, Shirley, how is she?

You don't know her.

I was just trying to be friendly.

Go get friendly with a mop and clean

up that storeroom.

Hi, Margaret.

Ready to go?

Sure am.

Hi, viewers.

Nice to see you.

You too.

Looks like Shirley needs a shave.

Look at this.

Look at the paper.

Another one my age, dead.

Would you put away the obituaries?

Just because that guy at the gym died

young doesn't mean that you're going to.

You can turn your blind eyes to this,

but it does not change the fact that

people our age are dropping like flies.

Okay, listen to this.

Frank Carbone, wine collector, popped this cork at

41.

Maria Rivera, ballerina, bent their ass up the

stage at 35.

And this guy, 41, boarded a yacht to

sail around the world.

The day he christened the boat the Bon

Voyage, how ironic, he hit the deck with

a heart attack.

Is there anything in there about a building

super being beaten to death by a blind

newsstand owner?

No.

Check tomorrow.

Where are you going?

To an early grave.

Godspeed.

Hey, can I get some coffee?

Yeah, in a minute.

You know, you may think this is none

of my business.

It isn't.

What are we talking about?

Your friend Rick sat here for an hour

after you left.

Do you have any idea what that man's

been through?

Yeah, my money, my thesis, and my wife.

You know, what are you defending him for?

No, no, I'm not defending him, but he's

obviously trying to do the right thing.

Just show some compassion.

It won't cost you anything.

It already did.

I didn't get to go to Woodstock.

So you missed your chance to bum out

300,000 people.

Let me tell you something.

You know, if I were the one thing

standing between him and his recovery, I still

wouldn't forgive him.

Is that really who you are?

You're just gonna hang on to this forever?

No, not forever.

Just until I die.

Forget it.

Forget it.

I guess I just thought you were a

better person.

Yeah, well, maybe I would have been if

I'd gotten to go to Woodstock.

Where's Marga?

She's out to lunch with a guy named

Shirley.

Now, look, Linda, you don't have to come

up with some euphemism.

If she's in the bathroom, just say so.

That guy Rick's waiting in your office.

He said you called him.

I thought you didn't want to see him.

I don't.

I'm just trying to be a better person.

Good luck.

I mean, good luck.

What was that?

You just made a smelly face.

Do you still think it's my sweater?

Well, if it isn't, you got a much

bigger problem.

Fine, here, take it.

You know, get rid of it.

I don't care.

Four bucks down the drain.

Hey, man.

Just looking at your Harvard diploma.

Very impressive.

Cost me four years of very hard work.

I had one made up in Times Square

for my folks.

Cost me ten bucks.

Paid an extra two dollars to graduate summa

cum laude.

Can't put a price on a good education.

John, you asked me to come over.

Thought you wanted me to go to hell.

Well, it was pointed out to me by

someone who's always pointing things out to me

that maybe I could have been a little

bit more...

Sympathetic?

Let me finish.

Yeah, sympathetic.

Look, I know what it took for you

to come to me like you did.

Let's just say what happened in the past

is in the past, all right?

Thank you, John.

I know what it takes for you to

hock up an apology.

You have no idea.

So, you know, goodbye, good luck.

I hope things work out for you.

Uh, John, as long as I'm confessing, uh...

There is one more little thing.

How little?

About the size of that gold pocket watch

you used to have.

Oh.

Oh, no.

That was my grandfather's antique watch.

My mother gave it to me for graduation.

I am really sorry.

Do you have any idea what that was

worth?

An ounce of pot and a new pair

of boots.

You sold that for drugs?

That was a family heirloom.

I love that watch.

John, I just have to come clean about

these things.

I don't expect you to forgive me.

No, no, no, I have to.

I don't want to be one of those

people who hang on to things forever, so...

I forgive you.

So, we're good?

Any more surprises?

Uh, no, no, no.

Oh, wait a minute, there was...

Oh, no, no, no, that wasn't you.

No, that's it.

All right, then, we're good.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Oh, what a...

John, you know how I know I'm getting

better?

The old days, I would have kept that.

I had a wonderful time.

Me, too.

We're on for tonight?

Absolutely.

What are you gonna tell your husband?

That I'm working late.

Will he believe it?

Lewis believes anything I tell him.

I'll see you later.

I'm looking forward to it.

How was lunch with Shirley?

Lunch was nice.

We went to a little French place.

I had the baked chicken.

Are you sure you didn't have the baked

cheetah?

Cheetah?

What's that?

Some kind of white fish?

No, it's a six-foot-tall black guy

named Cliff.

How long have you been having an affair

with our medical supply rep?

We are not having an affair.

Then why'd you lie about going to lunch

with him?

Cliff and I are just friends.

That's all you need to know.

What does your husband think about all this?

Or have you forgotten about Lewis?

There is an eight-foot stack of pizza

boxes in my kitchen.

I will never forget about Lewis.

Now, I suggest that you get back to

work.

Goddammit, I can't find...

Margaret!

Goddammit!

Margaret!

What is going on in here?

I need to write Mr. Freitag a prescription.

I can't find the pad.

Get another one.

They're all over the office.

It's for a narcotic.

I need the DEA triplicate pad.

It's not in my drawer.

Are you sure?

Yes.

Look again.

It didn't just get up and walk away.

I can't find it.

I did look.

No one else has been in here except

for...

Well, so much for forgiveness.

Hey, Jake, I wrote my own obituary.

You want to hear it?

I don't think I can run fast enough

not to.

Okay, how did this sound?

He was cut down in the prime of

life by blank, at age blank.

Survived by wife, blank, and children, blank, blank,

and little blank.

So when I die, will you fill it

in?

Why don't you have Mrs. Blank do it?

Look, I'm doing the hard part.

I'm dying.

You can't sit down with a pen for

five minutes.

Okay, fine.

I'll do it.

Thank you.

Wait a minute.

What if you die first?

Oh, Bob, don't tease me.

Hey, Peck, will you speak at my funeral?

Couldn't I just dance?

Hey.

Hey.

I took your advice.

I looked up my old friend Rick, and

I forgave him for everything.

Hey, that's great, John.

And then he robbed me.

What?

Yeah, he stole my prescription pad.

See, the D.A. issues special pads to

doctors so they can order heavy narcotics, you

know, morphine, Demerol, methadone.

Junkies like to steal and then run around

town writing phony prescriptions.

You really think he'd do that?

No, no, he's probably just gonna get a

crayon and use the pad to make a

cartoon flip book.

I had no way of knowing that would

happen.

He told you he was a liar and

a thief.

What more do you need to know?

He just, he seemed so sincere.

You know, you were hopeless.

My God.

What does it take to get you to

think the worst of people?

Oh, hi, Linda.

Is Margaret here?

Hi, Cliff.

Yes, but she's busy right now.

But that's okay.

It'll give us a chance to get better

acquainted.

Please have a seat.

Uh, okay.

I've been wanting to get to know you

better.

I like balmy evenings, walks on the beach,

getting thrown around in a mosh pit, and

fondue.

What do you like?

I'd like to see Margaret.

Come on, Cliff.

Margaret's nice, but she's married.

I'm single.

Totally available, if you get my meaning.

It's kind of hard to miss.

What are you doing?

Margaret, Cliff's here to see you.

Get off him!

I'm trying to save your marriage.

I walked in, and she was all over

me.

It's all right, Cliff.

In her twisted mind, she was trying to

do me a favor.

Seems like she was trying to do me

a favor.

I told you, Cliff and I are just

friends.

Oh, come on.

First you lie about having lunch, and then

I hear the two of you talking about

plants for tonight that you don't want Lewis

to know about.

What was that?

Cliff is helping me plan a surprise birthday

party for Lewis tonight.

Okay.

But wait a minute.

How do you know Lewis?

Margaret introduced us.

We've been playing golf together.

Okay.

But why didn't you just tell me about

Lewis' surprise party?

Because last year, when I tried to throw

Lewis a surprise party, you told him.

The year before that, you told him.

The year before that, you sent him an

invitation.

Okay.

Cliff, are you ready to go?

Uh, that is, unless you want to stay

here with Linda.

Uh, no, no.

She scares me.

Oh.

Doctor's office.

Oh, hi, Lewis.

No, Margaret's not here.

She's, um, with a patient.

Okay, talk to you later.

Have fun at your party.

Linda, did you call all the pharmacies yet?

Did you report the missing pad to the

DEA?

Yes.

Did you talk to your friend?

Yeah, right.

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

What'd I do?

It's an expression.

Dammit, I've never been so pissed off in

my life.

Still not about me, right?

No, talking about Rick.

Wish I knew where the hell he was.

Oh, he's staying at the Edison Hotel.

How do you know?

He told me before when he was here.

And you didn't think I'd want to know

that?

Dammit!

Me this time?

Yes, now you.

You must think I'm an idiot.

Yeah, you suck me in with some sad

story as soon as my back's turned into

woodstock all over again.

Write your own damn paper, and keep your

hands off my wife!

John, I'm only asking you this because I've

been hearing it all my life.

Have you been drinking?

You stole my prescription, Pat.

It was in my office.

You were in my office.

Now it's gone.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Yeah, you just couldn't help yourself, could you?

You just couldn't resist.

John, you're making an ass out of yourself.

I didn't steal anything.

I'm gonna tear this place apart until I

find it.

Tell you what, you want me to take

off my clothes so you can strip search

me?

Hey, you know something?

Don't push me.

I'm a doctor.

I know where to look.

What?

Dr. Becker, remember your smelly sweater?

Yeah, not now, Linda.

Well, I gave it to this homeless guy,

but he returned it because the other homeless

guys were making fun of the smell.

Anyways, when he gave it back, your prescription

pad fell out of the pocket.

That was lucky, huh?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

Well, uh, thanks for calling.

Hey, you know, I-I, uh, I never

got a chance to ask, uh, how you

doing?

Where-where you living now?

Found the pad, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, it was in my sweater.

Say, do you, uh, fold these socks or

do you roll them into a little ball?

Just-just leave them, John.

No, no, I really need to do this.

Fine balls.

Any chance this makes us even?

Could it?

Anything that gets you to stop touching my

underwear.

Thanks.

Thank you, John.

Yeah.

Well, I-I gotta finish packing and, uh,

get to the airport.

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.

Hey, listen, you know, I could give you

a lift there, and maybe, uh, pick up

some dinner together.

On me.

Wow.

You're gonna pay for dinner?

Jeez.

I'm not the only one who's changed.

Say, John, you know, whatever happened to that

old death mobile you used to drive?

You know, with the...

the seat springs that shot up your ass

and the-the smell of burning oil?

God, I used to think we were gonna

die every time we got in it.

Whatever happened to it?

It's right outside.

Oh, God.

Morning.

Fluffy?

You know, Chris, the other day when I

was...

John, please, no, I-I need to say

this.

Uh, I owe you an apology.

You had every right to be angry at

Rick, especially after what he did, and it

was presumptuous of me to suggest that you

feel any differently.

So...

I'm sorry.

And I forgive you.