Original subtitles

(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) You're late.

Not my fault.

One of the damn peace marches was blocking

Fordham Road.

Here we go.

You're a good piece of chance, my ass.

You nudge them with your car a few

times, those people are anything but peaceful.

You drove into the crowd.

That's not the point.

You know, one of them snapped off my

antenna.

The coat hanger?

Anyway, who's up?

You've got Brad Richmond with a sore throat

in room one and Mr. Wheeler with hemorrhoids

in room two.

Didn't we agree to schedule the ass stuff

on Friday?

I'm gonna make a couple of calls, then

I'll take care of Brad.

So that's it, Jennifer?

You're really not going out with me tonight?

Well, thanks for nothing.

Boy, people call themselves your friends, but when

you need them, suddenly they're in labor.

Well, what do you want her to do?

Well, I met this cute guy, Perry, and

he's starring in a one-man show.

He asked me to come to it, so

I need a friend to go with me.

Why don't you just go by yourself?

Oh, Margaret, you're very sweet, but I get

so tired of having to explain things.

I really like Perry, but if the place

sucks, I'll lose all respect for him and

I'll need an excuse to leave early.

Why do you need an excuse?

Here we go again.

Without an excuse, he'll think I'm leaving because

he sucks and that would hurt his feelings.

But what if the play is great?

Well, that's easy.

Then I stay with Perry and my friend

takes a hike.

Why do I care?

You know, Margaret, you and I don't do

enough things together.

Oh, yes, we do.

Hey, Brad.

Take a look at your sore throat here.

Oh, actually, um, my throat's okay.

I told my mom it hurt so she'd

make the appointment.

I was just too embarrassed to tell her

the real reason.

Which is?

It kind of hurts when I pee.

Okay.

You know, it's no big deal.

Same thing happened to a friend of mine.

It was just a little infection, so he

went to his doctor, he gave him some

pills, and it cleared right up.

So I figured if you just give me

some pills, I can get out of here.

Oh, that sounds good.

What kind of pills?

I don't know.

Well, maybe you should talk to a doctor

or something.

It probably is just a urinary infection, but

I'm gonna have to run a few tests

and ask you some questions.

Are you sexually active?

Maybe.

Why?

Relax.

Nothing leaves this room.

Yeah, I've kind of been sexually active.

Kind of?

Okay, I've been having sex all over the

place.

You're only 15.

Yeah, pretty cool, huh?

Fine, I guess, as long as you're using

condoms.

Nobody uses condoms.

What are you, living in a cave?

They're dangerous things out there.

Not to mention the fact you got a

girl pregnant, you idiot.

It doesn't feel as good.

Well, you wouldn't know that if you were

wearing a condom all the time, would you?

You know something?

You just made a lot of work for

both of us.

I'm gonna have to run a full panel

for STDs, sexually transmitted diseases.

What do you mean, like AIDS?

Yeah, amongst others.

And you gotta do all this just because

I don't use condoms?

Yes, that's right.

Well, do you use condoms with your wife?

I'm not married.

Well, what about with your girlfriend?

Actually, I'm not seeing anybody right now, but

when I do find someone with whom I

wish to have a serious relationship, and if

she feels the same way, then and only

then will we proceed to the next level

responsibly, which means that, yes, I always do

wear a condom.

You haven't had sex in a long time,

have you?

This may hurt a little bit more than

usual.

Where the hell is Chris?

I'm starving.

Who do I have to sleep with to

get some breakfast around here?

Somehow I think that would hurt your chances.

Yeah, well, I'm hungry, and I want breakfast.

I mean, she doesn't care about her job

enough to show up on time.

Bob, why haven't you fixed my window?

Everything's gotta be done yesterday with her.

Yeah, you said you'd do it two weeks

ago.

I'll get to it.

Why don't you get off your ass and

fix her window?

Whose side are you on?

The side that's cooking the eggs.

I'm hungry, too.

Look, Bob, it's driving me crazy.

I can't get my window open.

My apartment gets so hot, I gotta take

two cold showers just to get through the

night.

Do you know what that's like?

Look who I'm talking to.

Tell me more about the showers.

Bob!

Morning.

Hey, John, you want some breakfast?

No, I got some.

Matter of fact, I'm heating it up right

now.

Hey, Becca, you know what I don't get?

Why, life dealt you such a crappy hand.

No, I've made my peace with that.

What I meant is, you're a doctor.

You should know that breakfast is the most

important meal of the day.

Yet, here you are, sucking on a cigarette.

Me?

I start my day with a meal big

enough to give me the energy I need.

To do what?

Sit on your ass all day?

You should be able to get by on

a Cheerio.

Hey, Becca, you forgot something.

Too late.

What is it?

A package you was carrying.

Let's take a look.

Hey, come on, I don't know if you

should really...

Whoa!

Condom!

Condom!

What?

He's got the whole Trojan Army in here.

Yeah, there it is.

John, you forget something?

Yeah, as a matter of fact.

What's in the bag?

This?

Oh, I stopped by the store and I

got a couple of boxes and none of

your damn business.

Oh.

So Becca's having sex.

Nah, there's got to be some other explanation.

Like, like, maybe he uses them to keep

his cigars fresh.

I wonder who the lucky girl is.

And by lucky, I mean lonely and desperate.

All right, here you go, Jake.

Orange juice, coffee, eggs, toast, and hash browns.

All right.

And Bob.

There's no food.

I thought you were going to fix my

breakfast.

I thought you were going to fix my

window.

Becca's got the condoms, yet I'm the one

getting screwed.

Okay, Mrs. Sherwood, you're next.

Hi, how have you been?

Oh, not too good since the kids moved

out and, you know, my husband passed and

then my dog ran away and then the

TV broke.

My bunions are acting up.

I was just being polite.

Wait a minute.

Your life's empty.

How'd you like to see a play tonight?

Oh, I love the theater.

Is it a comedy, a drama?

Well, it's kind of an experimental, expressionistic one

-man performance piece and it's not exactly in

the theater.

It's in the back of a laundromat in

Queens.

I just remembered I'm busy.

Well, so is the doctor.

Go sit down.

But you said I was...

Sit down.

Margaret, hi.

How'd you like to see a play tonight?

You already asked me.

I said no.

Damn, I'm already back to you again?

I wonder if my friend Sarah's out of

rehab yet.

Oh, John, Brad Richmond is in your office.

The lab just faxed over his test results.

Oh, well, this looks good.

That's a relief.

Hey, Dr. Becker, you want to go to

the theater tonight?

Linda, my life's already a cabaret.

Brad, thanks for coming by.

Got a little present for you here.

Some condoms.

Oh, come on.

We already talked about this.

Besides, I know all that AIDS stuff they're

trying to scare you with.

I'm not gay.

I don't go to prostitutes.

And even if I did get it, they

got that cocktail thing that pretty much clears

it up, right?

Congratulations.

You just reached a level of stupidity usually

only seen in Republicans and other lower primates.

Look, could you just give me the results

so I can get out of here?

I got a date tonight.

Oh, really?

Ah, well, there's a problem here, Brad.

They're not ready.

What do you mean?

Well, sometimes the lab gets backed up or

sometimes they have to recheck things.

Recheck what?

Something wrong?

Oh, no, no, no.

Don't read anything into this.

You just...

You know, you make yourself crazy doing that.

Tell you what, why don't I just call

the lab later tonight and find out what's

going on.

In the meantime, take this home and read

it.

Facts about HIV and AIDS?

Yeah.

You're really taking all the fun out of

sex.

You're not the first person to tell me

that.

I can't figure out who John could be

sleeping with.

Hey, hey, maybe it's that lady cop.

Nah, he hates her.

Hey, well, if we try and narrow it

down to people that Becker doesn't hate, we'll

be here all day.

I mean, besides, think about it.

I mean, he walks out to his car,

she's giving him another ticket, he curses her

out, she yells at him, next thing you

know, they're in the backseat of his car

getting...

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

I-I-I gotta stop you.

You haven't seen the lady cop.

You need the jaws of life to get

her into a car.

Hey, guys.

Hi, Chris.

Linda, what's wrong?

You don't look so good.

Hey, you don't look so good yourself.

Nice sweater.

I meant you look sad.

Oh, sorry.

I am.

I want to go see this play tonight,

and I can't find anyone to go with

me.

Really?

What's the play?

Actually, it's something you might really like.

It's kind of an off-Broadway thing.

Everyone's talking about it.

In fact, Margaret mentioned it twice today.

Sounds great.

I'd love to go.

Fantastic.

I'll pick you up at 6.

Okay.

Bob, what are you still doing here?

You promised to fix my window.

Look, if it's not working by tonight, I'm

gonna call building management and report you.

Are you done?

Yes.

Good.

Because I just came from your place, and

your window's fixed.

Oh.

You may apologize when ready.

All right, I'm sorry.

It's all right.

Oh, by the way, uh, that vase on

your mantle, I'm sorry about it.

I accidentally broke it.

My grandmother's ashes are in there.

Oh, well, uh...

Don't clean out your dust buster.

Oh!

Oh, damn, Bob.

What the hell are you doing?

I locked myself out of my apartment.

Can I go through yours to get back

upstairs?

Yeah, whatever.

Sorry I scared you like that.

You didn't scare me.

Really?

Then who was that screaming like a little

girl?

You're not even funny.

There's the door.

Go on.

I'll tell you, this is the perfect capper

to a lousy night, starting with that god

-awful play Linda took me to.

It is the worst thing I have ever

seen in my life, and that includes my

sister's C-section.

This guy walks out on stage, took off

all his clothes, sat on a metal chair,

and just bitched about his mother.

Then I get home, and since Bob told

me he fixed my window, I step out

on the fire escape, and like an idiot...

I wasn't really sleepy before, but damned if

I'm not now.

All right, all right.

Look, Mr. Hornhour, next time you call in

the middle of the night about a gas

leak, make sure it's not Mrs. Hornhour.

All right, well, good night, John.

Sleep well.

It won't be easy now that you got

my heart racing.

I'm just glad you were there when I

needed you.

Happy to be of service.

Jake, I know who Beck was sleeping with.

Who?

Is Chris around?

No.

It's Chris.

I saw her coming out of his apartment

last night.

Very late, very naked.

No!

Okay, not naked, but it was very late.

She had that I-just-had-sex look

on her face.

When did you ever see that look?

You know what?

You're no fun.

Okay, okay.

Well, if that's what happened, you know what?

I'm happy for them.

Yeah, they've been dancing around each other for

months.

I think they'll be good for each other.

You know, maybe she'll calm him down, and,

well, I don't know what she gets out

of it, but I still think it's a

good idea.

Yeah, I'm glad they're together.

See, now I can ask her out.

Why would you do that?

Because she's totally unavailable.

So you'd ask her out even though you

know it's impossible?

I'd ask her out because it's impossible.

Why ask her out at all?

What else have I got to do?

Morning, Margaret.

And before you asked, the play was fantastic.

Thank God the suspense is over.

It is sort of odd to see your

date naked before you even go out, although

it does answer a lot of questions right

up front.

So, uh, will you be seeing him again?

Like I said, it answers a lot of

questions right up front.

Morning.

Morning, John.

Oh, uh, John, there's something I don't understand.

Why bald guys wear ponytails?

That, and why you have Brad Richmond scheduled

to come in today at 3 o'clock.

He was just here yesterday.

His test results were fine.

Why would he have to come?

how we handled things with Kevin Ferber?

Remember the high school kid?

Oh, oh, oh, geez.

I thought Brad was smarter than that.

You mean he's not using any protection at

all?

Nothing.

Just another one of those cocky teenagers thinks

he's invincible.

So when he comes in, you know what

to do.

Absolutely.

Although, you know, I-I do feel a

little badly when we torment the kids like

this.

I don't.

Little Bassie's getting more sex than I am.

Diner.

Oh, hey, Marcy.

Yeah, sorry I missed your call last night.

I went to see some jerk do a

one-man play that stunk like you wouldn't

believe.

Oh, no, he has to be the most

egocentric, self-centered man I have ever met

in my life.

John.

As soon as he took his pants off,

I knew it was gonna be a lousy

night.

I mean, the whole thing didn't last very

long, but it was so bad, it just

seemed like it went on and on and

on.

Hey, Jim.

Shh, shh, shh.

Oh, yeah, yeah, it was that bad.

If it wasn't for some junior mints and

a People magazine, I wouldn't have gotten any

enjoyment out of it whatsoever.

What's she talking about?

Sex with John.

Who called it?

He certainly wasn't concerned if anybody else was

having a good time.

I mean, he might as well have been

doing it in a room by himself.

You know, I'll tell you, Marcy, I have

never been so glad to see a man

put his pants back on in my entire

life.

Oh, and then, when he was finished, he

stood there like he was expecting a standing

ovation.

Well, I'll tell you never again.

Uh, what, dinner on Thursday?

Uh, yeah, sure, let me check my calendar.

All right, I'll call you back.

Yeah, talk to you later.

Hey, guys, I'll be with you in a

minute.

So, Becker stinks in bed.

Boy, he's just not good anywhere, is he?

You know what the sad thing is?

I mean, Chris would have really been good

for him, but now she's gonna dump him.

Actually, I feel sorry for Becker.

I mean, you know, I think we should

tell him.

Nobody just comes right out and tells a

guy that he stinks in bed.

They don't?

I mean, yeah, you're right, that never happens.

Hi, I'm Brad Richman, here to get my

test results.

Oh, right, Brad.

Hey.

The doctor will be right with you.

Uh, how are you feeling?

Why?

Something wrong?

Do you know what my results are?

You know, that really is something you should

discuss with the doctor.

Oh, Brad.

Hey, Dr. Becker, what, did you get the

test back?

You know, actually, this isn't something we should

talk about in here.

Why?

Oh, come on back to my room.

I'll be right here.

But I read this pamphlet, and, you know,

I'm really starting to get freaked out about

this.

Calm down, calm down.

Just go on in there.

Go on.

I'll be right there.

As soon as I waste a little time

out here.

Coffee?

No, I'm good, thank you.

Oh, look at that.

Peace March made the front page here.

Ha!

That's my bumper, right there.

You must be very proud.

So, uh, how long are you gonna let

Brad squirm in there?

I don't know, half hour?

John!

What, too cruel?

We left Kevin Ferber in there for 20

minutes and had to scrape him off the

walls.

Yeah, yeah, I suppose you're right.

Dr. Becker, what did the lab say?

I don't have AIDS, do I?

No, Brad.

Let me be straight with you.

Maybe I ought to shut the door first.

Doctor, please, will you just tell me?

Did you get the test back?

Yeah, no, they're right here.

Okay.

What did they say?

Well, that concerns me.

What?

What?

Well, I used to be able to read

it right here.

Now I gotta hold it way out here.

Oh, God.

Come on, will you just tell me?

All right, all right, let's see what we

got.

Um...

Um...

Brad, I thought these might come in handy.

Here you go.

Why would I need those?

Margaret, I haven't told him yet.

Oh!

Told me what?

Sorry.

Oh!

Oh!

All right, let me, uh...

Let me walk you through this, Brad.

What they're saying...

Oh, hell, I hate when that happens.

The results are that...

You're fine.

What?

I said that...

You're perfectly fine.

What?

I didn't hear you.

Come on, will you just tell me?

I can't stand this.

I said you're fine.

You're perfectly healthy.

Oh, thank God.

Yeah, you are a very lucky young man.

I'm so relieved.

Thank you, thank you.

Not so fast.

You still have a urinary tract infection.

I want you to take these antibiotics for

a week.

And don't forget those.

Oh, no, no.

I'm never having sex again.

Ever.

Now, take the condoms.

Yeah, you're right.

Idiot!

It's open.

Sorry.

Fuck myself out again.

No sweat.

Oh, stupid.

Why do I keep doing this?

Well, I guess bad sex is better than

no sex.

Who am I kidding?

I know it is.