Original subtitles

and you guys are thumbing your nose at a grand a piece,

to haunt some shitty trailer park for the weekend?

The crowd could pick up tomorrow.

Today is Friday the 13th.

We are the biggest stars in the biggest horror films

in the history of horror films,

and we can't give our pictures away!

It's a shit day, R.A.!

If Friday the 13th is shit then Saturday the 14th will be

even shittier!

Wake up and smell the AARP card!

Hello?

Hello?

Don-don't shoot.

I'm unarmed.

I'm just fuckin' with ya.

Hope we didn't disturb you too bad with our shenanigans.

Slept through it.

Yeah, well...

If a...

I don't want to bring the police in if I don't have to

but if any of you know anything about the RV that went up

like a Roman Candle in Area 51 last night.

Oh is that what that was?

We thought Al Qaeda blew something up.

Al Qaeda? No. Wasn't them.

I wish. But, no.

It was propane. Candles.

They don't usually mix.

- Huh... - You know what I’m saying?

Uhh...

And I guess them two fellas

ain't gonna be answering any questions either.

We like horror movies.

Don't worry Mr. Hodder.

I'm not gonna look under your tarp here.

I'm just trying to cause...

as little trouble for Agness as I can.

She's had a rough time of it.

Just need to put in my report that I asked.

Personally... I could give a shit!

Who the fuck was that?

That dude is creepy. I still say we get out of here.

Hey...

Kane's Agness will pay us the 5 Grand.

She doesn't know it's just the four of us.

Malcom is not here, so fuck him.

You can not be serious.

Twelve fifty each.

You promise we get out of here first thing in the morning?

Yeah.

If we survive the night. Muahahahahaha!

That is not fucking funny!

God these fucking bugs!

Hey!

Good morning.

- Morning. - Don.

Give that to Trixie.

How the hell did ya'll sleep through that last night?

Well, busy night of haunting and scaring.

Mhmm, where's my sweet little Malcolm?

Malcolm.

He's on a power walk.

He's trying to lose a few pounds.

He'll be back shortly.

Still the same deal. Five of us.

Five scary icons.

- Haha. Argghhhhh! - Haha, good.

Don... You still up for fishing?

- You bet. - Put those on.

Follow me.

What?

We can't scare anybody til it gets dark, right?

Coming Dee Dee!

What a slut.

Yeah. He always was.

Motherfucker...

Shit. Damn.

Oh, man.

Fish much?

Well, I used to fish with my dad...

That's a lie. I've never fished.

Shows.

Hey, where you going?

I’m gonna go call Chunks and tell her we're coming in early

see if she can meet me.

- Chunks? - Yeah...

I like it. Hope we get to meet her.

I got one!

Cool. Cool!

Don't lose it. Come on, go.

Oh you know what? It's stuck.

Alright wait, wait, wait... I'll go out and get it.

I know it's been a shit weekend but this place isn't haunted.

We're the most dangerous things out here.

No witches, psychopaths, serial killers.

Just shit timing, that's all.

I hope you're right, K.

I wouldn't light a match in there if I were you.

Seriously?

You know, I think you're right.

I think I found it.

- Yeah? - Yeah...

Yeah, it's under a log, I think.

It’s a... Oh! Agh!

Oh man!

What?

It’s slimy.

What letter am I?

Uh... R.

You suck.

How big are these fucking cat fish?

Cuz this thing is huge.

My daddy pulled a hundred and

twenty pounder out of there once.

Do they go dormant?

Like a fainting goat or something?

Cuz this thing ain't moving.

It’s... Oh fuck! Goddamn! Oh...

Hey, uh, check it out. What the hell was that?

Hey. This is cool.

Hey Kane... I am the devil.

I'm here to do the devil's shit.

- Goddamn! - Come on moron. Let's go.

It's coming from here.

Motherfucker... Jesus! God...

What the hell was that all about?

Recognize the shirt?

Ahh... Uh...

You stop right there. Don't you say shit!

About this being a another accident.

You wake up and smell the corpse, okay?

There is no way that this many accidents happen in the

same day!

They do around here.

It is freaky, K.

No it's not freaky. This is a fucking hot mess and it's

scaring me to death.

Which would, theoretically, be an accident.

Ohhh, uh... fuck... SOGGY: Awhhh, man.

Still think I'm over reacting?

I'm just saying...

Awww!

What the fuck did that?

What are you, like their den mother or something?

It's red ants... They love peanut butter, they live

for that stuff. And what the hell happened to R.A.?

Accident.

You know what, screw this. I'm running the lake.

Ya'll know this place is cursed, right?

People die here. Hard.

I gotta go. My momma doesn't like me out here too late.

Worries... Ya'all have a good night...

Roxanne. Roxanne.

Roxanne.

I saw you dance, ballet,

Swan Lake, New Orleans,

I was six.

You were truly elegant,

royal, weightless,

only the best dancers get that part right.

You were inspiring...

You're too old to dance.

But you really were...

the best I ever saw.

It'll just be a minute...

Thank you.

I, for one, could use a grand.

Yeah no shit. So could I. What's up?

Kane has a gal who’s gon’ pay us a thousand dollars each

to haunt her haunted trailer park this weekend.

I had a total of four people at my show. Two I lost

at Undead, you, some guy in a hoodie jerking off under

his motorcycle jacket.

You were legendary my dear. Legendary...

You know how many trailer parks there are in this country?

No.

Fourteen thousand three hundred and seventy eight.

Approximately. It's a new revenue stream, it's a new

business. I've even got the domain name -

HauntYourTrailerPark.com

Wow. That's genius. How did you ever come up with that?

Right? HauntYourTrailerPark.com

Will be huge. It's new, it's fresh, people will dig it.

CGI man, cannot haunt a trailer park.

Wait a minute. Did you say dig it? Man your old...

Come on. It's a thousand bucks each for 2 days,

guaranteed. We'll be lucky to make a $100 bucks in this

shithole. What've we got to lose?

Kane Hodder, R.A. Mihailoff, William Logus Soggy..

- I'm in. - Ditto.

Count me in.

Contracts can go pound sand. I'm in.

I swear, if one more gentile asks me why I didn't

jump on the hood of that fucking car, I will, I will chase them

down and cut them half, myself!

Remember kiddos, to ask... Where we going?

All prices are...

Where no horror icon has gone before...

Where Michael Berryman, and John Schneider.

Whoa...

How come you never take those Raybans off?

You writing a fucking book? Jesus. Whose the clown?

Colonel Wilson. My idea. Like him?

No...

Ha, Ha!

Dammit, momma. Scared the shit out of me...

Did you bring the remedy?

AGNESS Yeah.

Doesn't take three hours to run the lake...

I'm just saying...

She's just making a point. It really is like she's their

den mother.

I don't want to sound mercenary or anything

but if she has flown the coop that's five

grand and three people.

Dee Dee?

It's eight O'clock. Where are you?

Hey there big boy.

Woah.

Sorry I was running late... Wanted to get all

squeaky clean for you.

Go get on that bed.

Yes ma'am.

Mean, she'll wander back.

Do what you want I'm staying here.

She's not a dog, Soggy.

Why don't you make yourself

useful and go haunt somebody?

You know there’s no one here to haunt... moron.

The trailers are all filled with mannequins.

You know your Agness is a loony tune.

Not my Agnes.

Wait... Did you hear that?

- Oh, yeah baby... - Woo...

- Come on big man... - Yeah... baby!

That guy could get laid in a convent.

Holy shit, woop. Come on Fritter.

Hoo, hoo, hoo, hooo... Thought you were staying.

Ha, hoo, ha. Nah, this haunting is gonna be fun.

You lied to me.

How so?

You said if I ever saw that third "T" you'd have

to kill me. I been staring at it for thirty minutes...

Boo. Heh, heh, heh, heh...

Fuckin' Don.

Try like ten minutes. Don't flatter yourself...

And I never lie. My momma taught me better.

Come on, Teddy.

Okay, Mason... Heh, heh, heh... Let's get 'em now!

Oh, my, God. Whoa...

♪ Very early last night ♪

♪ In the healthy golden moonlight ♪

♪ Where the furnace burns ♪

♪ and the smoking smells like sin ♪

♪ I crawled and found ♪

♪ your stony patch of ground ♪

♪ Where the pale black lilies bloomed around ♪

♪ As the song birds fled and blood sweat glistened ♪

♪ And the spaces in the night soil sent up a welcome chill ♪

♪ Now my hands were shaking ♪

♪ and my breath was scant ♪

♪ It was ghoul and gore and sublimely necromantic ♪

♪ To hear your call from underneath your stone ♪

♪ It’s dark desire... ♪

Holy shit, man. What the fuck? Did you see that?

Holy shit man.

♪ The heart that stays alive than the love that’s ♪

♪ left undead ♪

Who you calling a liar? Asshole.

♪ With a wand... ♪

She killed him, man. She smothered him with

those big tits.

Fucking thing won't come off. Did you put

glue in my mask?

No. No man, Did you glue my fuckin' gloves?

Fuck no.

Help a brother out here will ya?

Yeah... whole thing. Down the hatch.

Thanks.

Soggy. Knock it off. It's not funny.

Habenero... Ahhhh.

Come on, Soggy.

What the Fuck?

What the...

Trixie. Trixie! Come on. Trixie let's go.

Oh, shit!

Don't shoot. Don't shoot. It's me. Kane.

Prove it. Take off your mask.

Fucking thing won't come off. It's glued or something.

That's bullshit.

What did you do to Don?

He's fine. He's kinky. I'm kinky. Worked out fine.

Looked like you killed him.

Wouldn't that be a great way to go.

Here let me help you.

Hey-hey, easy. Fucking hurts.

That's super glue. You can't pull on it, it's gonna

pull your skin right off.

Alright, sit down. You got any gasoline?

I use it as solvent to wash my hands.

Cut right through anything.

Thelma's back bumper.

Okay.

I need you to close your eyes. This may sting

a little bit, okay?

Don't peek.

It was you. You crazy bitch. You killed 'em all.

Don's dead. Just like the rest of 'em.

Isn't that what all you horror guys want?

Everyone to just die?

We're actors you stupid bitch. It's fuckin' movies.

Go ahead. Pull the trigger. You're covered in

gasoline you idiot. You'll lite yourself on fire.

Again.

Wouldn't that be fun... Kane.

That's not how it happened.

You'll never do it. The hero never shoots the girl.

I've never been the hero.

You stupid hell-whore.

What did I tell you? What have I always told you?

Leave one. You gotta leave one, baby...

You fucked it up last year, you fucked it up,

when you killed your dad and that shit fiancé of yours...

You... ruined our chances of being a Haunted Park

on Facebook...

And now I gotta let him go...

I gotta let 'em go...

C'mon... We gotta get you the hell out of here...

When you tell people about this place, I want

you to remember... That Agness showed you a kindness.

I will eat you.

The gasoline likely loosened the glue a little bit...

But the water weakened the skin.

So... Be careful that you don't scratch cause your

skin'll come right off.

Thank you.

Oh, no...

Don't thank me.

Now... you... You get the hell out of here!

You never let me have any fun.

♪ Even a man who’s pure at heart ♪

♪ and says his prayers by night ♪

♪ May become a wolf-man ♪

♪ when the autumn moon is bright ♪

♪ Larry T was pure at heart ♪

♪ Fought wolf-man for a dame ♪

♪ Grew himself some hair ♪

♪ and fangs but died a virgin all the same ♪

♪ He was a beast for love ♪

♪ He was a beast for love ♪

♪ He was a beast for love ♪

♪ All the monsters start that way ♪

♪ Oh mummy man Imhotep ♪

♪ Stood about six-foot-five ♪

♪ Loved a gal he shouldn’t have ♪

♪ Got mummified alive ♪

♪ Thousands of years later ♪

♪ his lust still burnin’ hot ♪

♪ Staggered ‘round to find his bride ♪

♪ but lost was all he got ♪

♪ He was a beast for love ♪

♪ He was a beast for love ♪

♪ He was a beast for love ♪

♪ All the monsters start that way ♪

Told you nobody ever wants to see you again.

A girl's gotta play hard to get.

The late, great Kane Hodder I presume?

I know it's you movie star. Caller ID.

Can't scare me.

What are you saying.

What does that even mean?

Wait for me... gas station?

Oh... wait for you gas station.

I'm there now.

♪ He was a beast for love ♪

♪ All the monsters start that way ♪

Really?

You let him go, momma.

You always say you can only let one go.

You get me the hell off this beach, girl.

I hate this beach.

You had a long night, Momma.

I just want to make it up to you.

Remember when daddy used to massage me?

You remember that?

Couple times a week he would massage me.

I know you remember. I saw you see him do that...

I remember. I remember it all, momma.

I remember everything.

You leave my makeup on, girl. I'm a site.

Don't you worry, momma. Just like you always say...

A girl always has a choice.

Just some choices are tougher than others.

Dee Dee... ugh...

Don't worry Agness. You'll make a good choice.

You always do.

Dee Dee...

Dee Dee!

You come on back. Come here baby...

Come on back... Come on...

Dee Dee!

Ladies and Gentleman, boys and girls, welcome to...

♪ Born on a morgue in a dead end street ♪

♪ An example of urban decay ♪

♪ Momma never took me to trick or treat ♪

♪ No wonder I turned out this way ♪

♪ Mommy was a zombie ♪

♪ I wasn’t part of her plan ♪

♪ Mommy was a zombie, daddy the invisible... ♪

These kids creep me out.

Lucky fucker landed right in it. I don't know why we

bother coming back this year.

Well, I heard he died twice on the table.

Michael it's a gimmick. Gimmick. He died

on the table. Who hasn't died on a fucking table?

Which one are you?

Michael Berryman and John Schneider from last years..

Need anything for you and your ghoul-friend Mr. Movie Star?

All good, Johnny. All good.

I like how you always stay in character at these things...

the fans love it!

Everybody's gotta have a gimmick.

Awwwhhh.

Make mine out to Gunner, Mr. Striker. That's me.

Gunner.

Gunner. Oh, please... use mine, it's blue.

♪ Smothered ♪

♪ I’ve been smothered ♪

♪ Smothered by love ♪

♪ I thought would set me free ♪

♪ Smothered ♪

♪ I’ve been smothered ♪

♪ A suffocating love ♪

♪ that loves to torture me ♪

♪ Careful what you wish for ♪

♪ You might regret ♪

♪ Getting’ some love ♪

♪ that seems too easy to get ♪

♪ I smiled real handsome ♪

♪ Laid on the charm ♪

♪ And fell into the trap ♪

♪ between her lovin’ arms ♪

♪ I’m smothered ♪

♪ Yeah I’m smothered ♪

♪ Smothered by a love ♪

♪ I thought would set me free ♪

♪ Smothered ♪

♪ I’ve been smothered ♪

♪ A suffocating love ♪

♪ that loves to torture me ♪

♪ Curves like hers are always blind ♪

♪ She oughta wear a necklace with a caution sign ♪

♪ Hellbent on love I put the hammer down ♪

♪ Water ain’t the only way a man can drown ♪

♪ I’m smothered ♪

♪ Oh yeah, yeah, yeah... ♪

♪ Trapped in a mask held on with glue ♪

♪ I pretend to do things I would never do ♪

♪ I know who I am, but thanks to you ♪

♪ When the mask comes off it takes my real face too ♪

♪ I’m smothered ♪

♪ Yeah I’m smothered ♪

♪ Smothered by a love ♪

♪ I thought would set me free ♪

♪ Smothered ♪

♪ I’ve been smothered ♪

♪ A suffocating love ♪

♪ that loves to torture me ♪

Big sister Agness said I could only leave

one witness behind.

Never said anything about tossing my collection though.

That bastard Sid, my sweet Malcolm, asshole Carl,

funny Bill, poor Thelma,

darling R.A., and movie

star Kane won't be needing this shit anymore.

And hopefully I won't be needing these babies.

I’m gonna sell them on E-bay.