All language subtitles for Modern Family S04E02 Schooled (1080p x265 10bit Joy)

- [ Chattering ]
- [ Jay ] I gotta tell you-

If I could just have everybody's
attention real quick.

Um, on this wonderful
occasion-

our daughter leaving tomorrow for college
- [All] Oh!

If I could get everyone
to raise their glass.

As I quote from one of our
nation's great fathers-Jefferson.

George Jefferson.

"I never dreamed that one of my own
would be going off to a university,

but here I stand,
a proud black man,

knowing that all those hours
I put in at the dry cleaner"-

- Phil.
- Not now, Weezy. Where was I?

Quoting that president.

Okay, If she's
the future of America,

we should start using
Chinese money now.

We already are.

My arm is tired.
To Haley.

[ All ] To Haley!

And before everyone
puts their glasses down,

uh, we're also
very proud of Lily.

Tomorrow is her first day
of kindergarten.

To Lily. [ Gloria ] Oh, Lily.

To Lily. And you'll
be impressed to know...

that she's gonna be one
of the smartest girls there.

Lily, sweetie, what's the
square root of 64? Eight.

- [ Phil ] Hey!
- Nice trick.

Hey, Lily, what's the
square root of this potato?

- Eight.
- Congratulations. You have a parrot.

[ Mouthing Words ]

We couldn't even get through the toast to
Haley before you pulled focus to Lily.

Oh, come on. It's-It's a big
day for both of them, huh?

Haley going to college
is a miracle.

Lily going to kindergarten
is the law.

Well, Haley and Lily aren't
the only ones starting school.

My mom and Jay are going
to parenting class.

We're doing it for the baby.
Not this baby. That baby.

Manny doesn't believe
that we know what we're doing.

A couple of new hairs
under his arm,

and now he thinks he knows more
than his own mother.

I know not to embarrass my son as he
stands on the threshold of manhood.

I don't know why
I have to go to this thing.

In case you've forgotten,
I raised two kids.

[ Claire ] Ow!
Ow! Ow!

Stop pulling my hair.
Stop twisting my nipple.

Shut up. Shut up.
Ow!

Why look at me?
It was their mother's fault.

I was barely around.

No! O-Ow!

Hey, hey

Hey

Haley, this is, like, the third bag
of makeup and hair care products.

Dad, if you want me to get good
grades, I have to look cute.

Don't say a word. No. No. I
agree with that premise.

Thank you. Wait.

Yeah, thank you.

Claire.
Mm-hmm?

In Haley's stuff,
there's a box of condoms.

Yeah. Um, I-I bought
those for her.

What? Why don't you just buy her some
fishnet stockings and a nurse's outfit?

Not that that's my thing.
That just popped into my head.

Honey, she's an adult,
and she's going to college.

I want to be realistic. I don't
want her to get caught unprepared.

Twenty-four times? What, are you
buying her a four-year supply?

[ Scoffs ] Please, Phil. That would've
lasted me and my college boyfriend-

Ah! La, la, la,
la, la, la!

[ Sighs ]
Okay, we gotta hit the road.

Give your sister
a hug good-bye.

Don't dork up our room.
Don't slut up your college.

Hmm.

Seriously, though,
don't study too hard, okay?

I'm totally going to have fun.

I'm Iceland
in the mock U.N.

Mom, we're gonna lose her.

I am doing my best.

Luke, come say good-bye
to your sister.

[ Muffled ] I'm right here.

Bye, Haley. Have fun.

Don't drink too much beer
and shots of tequila.

Why are you wearing that mask?

Uh, I like it.

He doesn't want you
to see him cry.

He's literally masking
his emotions. No!

That's so sweet.
Come here.

It's not sweet.
I'm an evil cyborg.

Half my face was burned off
in an industrial accident,

and the mask is hiding the
servos that control my mouth.

Oh!
Oh!

Yes, I am sad Haley is leaving,

but I'm gonna be okay, knowing
I've done everything I can...

to get her set up and prepared
and off on the right foot.

Not me.

When we're standing in her
dorm room saying good-bye,

it's gonna be one of the most
emotional moments of my life.

I'm gonna cry harder than
the first time I saw AirBud.

Oh.

Especially when
I give her this.

Phil's-osophy.
Hmm.

A hardbound collection of all
the life lessons I've learned,

such as-

"Always look people in the eye,

even if they're blind.

Just say, 'I'm looking
you in the eye.'"

Or...

"If you get pulled over
for speeding,

tell the policeman
your spouse has diarrhea."

Phil's-osophy.

[ Children Chattering ]

Look how much fun
you're gonna have here, Lily.

So many great toys
to play with.

And you're gonna make
so many new friends. Oh!

I wish I was in kindergarten again.
Oh, not me.

Did I ever tell you about David Anthony?
He used to call me "Cam the Ham."

Okay, Lily's day. You're right. You know what?
It's gonna be a great day.

I'm just saying, it's difficult to grow
up with a name that rhymes with ham.

Hello? Mitch?
Witch. Twitch.

[ Whispers ] Bitch.

Elaine Stritch.
What?

Not all bullies are straight.

Okay, parents! [ Cameron ] Oh!
Okay.

We'll see you at 12:00.

All right. Mmm!

This is when the crying starts.
Mmm!

Does it ever stop?
Come on, Cam.

Okay. You know what,
Lily, sweetie?

I know this is gonna
be difficult-Bye!

Okay. That was a knife
to the heart.

No, it's-it's a good thing.
Come on.

Oh, you know what? She
forgot her snack. Oh.

[ Mitchell ] Where'd
she-Where'd she go?

- Did she go there?
- Ow! That hurts! Ow! That hurts!

Oh, Lily, honey! Sweetheart, come here.
Come here.

If you ever put your hands
on my daughter again,

I will string you up by your
feet, run you up the flagpole...

and let the birds
peck out your eyes.

You understand?

Mr. Tucker,
put that boy down!

He pulled my daughter's hair.

Please apologize to Connor...

for using your hands
instead of your words.

Sorry, little fella.

I would like to see you in my office.
Right.

Now, please.
Me too? Oh.

[ Mouthing Words ]

Caw! Caw!

Stop it.
Leave him alone.

[ Door Closes ]

Mr. Tucker, what happened
out there was unacceptable.

I agree. Is this kindergarten
or The Hunger Games?

I'm speaking of your behavior.

We've never had
an incident like this,

and now we've had one on the
first day, before circle time.

What the fudge
were you thinking?

Now the boy's parents are
coming in, and trust me,

they're mad as Hello Kitty.

Oh, you told his parents on us?
[ Scoffs ]

That is-
That is so not cool.

Well, I'm sure once they hear what their
boy did, they will be understanding.

All right. Whoever made our son cry
has messed with the wrong moms.

[ Together ] Lesbians.

While often lumped together,
gay men and lesbians...

have less in common
than one might think.

Like in the Venn diagram
of sexual identity,

you have gay men-
And straight men.

Both the same gender.

Then you have gay men-
And straight women.

Both attracted
to the same gender.

But gay men and lesbians?

No.

Nothing.
Yeah.

I am so sorry
we have to meet like this,

but I'm sure you can
understand, as parents,

the instinct
to protect your child.

Yeah, that's what makes me want to
punch you in the neck right now.

Wow. I see where your son
gets all of his aggression.

Okay, let's all
take a time-out.

That's a good idea. This is
getting a little heated. Right?

Yeah, Pam. We don't want another
incident like at the lumberyard.

Oh, my God. You guys go
to The Lumberyard too?

I didn't know
they had a ladies' night.

Not the bar, Sally.

Okay, you know what? He's trying to be
nice, and you just called him Sally.

Yeah, you're not being very
helpful, Peppermint Patty.

- Let's just stick to our actual names.
- Enough.

I'm gonna give you a little
homework assignment.

I want you and your kids
to have a family playdate.

Maybe if the four of you
can get along,

you can set a better example
for your children.

I think that's
a wonderful idea. Pam?

Fine.
Cam?

Fine. We'll host, obviously.
"Obviously"?

Well, I assume you have an unfinished
woodworking project at your house.

You've got a lot of nerve.

Yeah, and you've got half a
canoe in our living room.

I look forward
to your frittata.

Oh. Why, are you
visiting us in 2008?

[ Woman Chattering ] Yeah.

Thank you.

You have some explaining to do.

I'm so sorry that you had
to find out like this, Jay.

[ Chuckling ]

Wow, you two
are really far along.

We're, uh-We're still
on our first trimester.

Ay, that's nice.

Yeah, we've been trying
to get pregnant for ages.

She's Latina. You just
gotta look at her funny.

[ English Accent ] Okay! Now
that everyone has their doll,

let's talk about swaddling.

Now, you want to start by turning one
corner of the blanket toward you,

like a diamond,

and folding the top down,
like this.

[ Whispers ] I think they made
a mistake at the hospital.

Tough room.

Now we are going to pull
the other corner round...

and tuck it in nice and snug...

like a burrito.

Done! I win.

- It's not a race.
- Darn right. It wasn't even close.

Oh!
[ Laughs ]

Okay, it's good,
but it's a little tight.

It's a burrito. You don't
want the meat to fall out.

Here.
And try like this.

And see?

Now your baby can breathe.

I wrapped my son with one hand
while driving a stick.

I think I know how to keep a baby safe.
[ Scoffs ]

Man, I love being back
in the dorms.

It's like I never left.

Throw up a David Copperfield
poster, this could be my room.

Honey, Haley and I have to
go fill out some paperwork.

Why don't you throw
the linens on the bed?

Oh, and move the car
before they tow us. Okay.

Oh, my God.
What is that shirt?

Pretty sweet, huh?
"Haley Dunphy Moving Company."

See? 'Cause we're moving you
here and here.

And also... here.

Man, you used to love it
when we swung you like that.

I bet we could still do it.

Yeah!
Yeah.

Oh, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.

- Don't you dare pick me up! And take that shirt off.
- What? Why?

- It's cute!
- It's not cute!

Do you see what's
happening out there?

- People are walking around and judging each other.
- No, they're not.

Oh, really? You didn't see the way Muffin
Top across the hall was looking at me?

People can be cruel.
So take it off.

[ Sighs ] Fine.

Oh, my God!
Put on a shirt!

I don't know
what you want from me!

"You only get one chance
at a first impression.

I suggest Julia Child,
because it's easy to do."

[ Imitating Julia Child ]
Save the giblets.

[ Laughs ]

[ Connor ]
Time to go to the beach!

[ Mitchell ] You're gonna go
to the beach with the dog?

That dog on the beach. I don't
know what I did to deserve this.

I want to show Connor my toys.

Oh, okay.
You do that, sweetie.

- Hey, Connor, uh, no hair pulling.
- Thank you for that.

Okay, we have an assortment
of spring rolls here.

All vegetarian, of course.

Oh, 'cause I'm a lesbian, I'm
automatically a vegetarian?

Well, I saw it on The L Word.
I assume they have consultants.

I'm just saying, it's an
offensive stereotype.

Okay, Pam,
you are a vegetarian.

- Oh!
- Knock it off.

[ Mitchell ] Worked out.
[ Chuckles ]

Yeah. So glad
that we are doing this.

Yeah. Yeah, me too.
Yeah.

I mean, we're the only
gay parents in the class.

Yeah, we should be
supporting one another.

- I mean, we have so much in common.
- Exactly.

So... tell us
about yourselves.

I'm an environmental lawyer.
Uh, and I'm a homemaker.

Hmm.

And-
And what do you do?

I'm a financial consultant.

- I'm a contractor.
- Hmm.

You thought
I was a P.E. teacher?

I figured. Hey, I have a question.
Real quick:

How do you guys get the car
seat on the motorcycle?

Uh, you know, Connor is
having a birthday next week.

- Maybe Lily would like to come.
- Oh, she would love that.

Oh, great. Are you guys
having a clown?

Oh, God, no. I hate clowns.
They're so creepy.

Maybe you just don't like 'em 'cause
they wear makeup. [ Pops Lips ]

You know what? I'm out.

Okay.
Connor, we're leaving!

You don't understand.
Cam used to be a clown.

"Used to be"? Once a
clown, always a clown.

God! Not now! Not now!
Stop it!

Connor, let's go!
Pam.

What?
Why is this door locked?

Here. Let me, please.

Lily, open this door right now.

Okay. I'm not
hearing anything.

I'm sure they're fine.
Oh, how are you sure?

Connor!
Lily!

Connor! [ High-pitched
Voice ] Lily!

Make the water
comfortably warm-

90 to 100 degrees max.

And never leave the tub
unsupervised.

[ Sputters, Snickers ]

[ Mock Coughing ]

Is there something you two want
to share with the class?

No. It's dirty.

Excuse me.
We're trying to learn here.

Don't worry so much. Babies
are tougher than you think.

When I was five years old,
my babysitter was a goat.

What? Ay, please. You
know about Lupe.

Never said she was a goat.

You know, it's great that we have a couple
of experienced parents in the class.

Perhaps you can share some of
your wisdom with the rest of us.

Absolutely.
It's not rocket science.

It's babies.
They're hungry, you feed 'em.

- They're teething, you give 'em some scotch.
- Scotch?

[ Woman ] Really? [ Murmuring ]

What?

So we left. I didn't need a
lecture from Mary Poppins.

And I was suddenly
in a mood for a burrito.

[ Chattering ]

[ Boy ] I called you,
like, five times already.

I'd like admission to your student body.
[ Gasps ]

Oh, my goodness! I am so sorry.
I thought you were my wife.

- What's going on?
- He grabbed me and said-

I thought she was my wife.
My wife works out a lot.

[ Haley ] Dad?
How'd he grab you?

He squeezed my butt.
He what?

Phil!
I thought it was you!

Believe me, sir, I'm a respected Realtor.
This is an innocent mistake.

Honey, turn around and show him your butt.
It's-It's uncanny.

Dad! I am very normal. Please
do not judge me based on them.

Are those your My Little Pony sheets?
What? No!

Oh. I ordered them online.

They must've sent the wrong ones.
I'm very sorry.

That's what was in the box.
Oh. [ Haley Gasps ]

Okay.
Uh, for the record,

I am a respected Realtor.

Those are not my condoms.
She bought 'em.

- Oh, my God.
- Apparently, that's what people do these days-

buy condoms for their kids.
Uh-huh.

When I went to college, my parents
bought me a bicycle helmet.

That was their idea of safety.
Certainly didn't need condoms.

Not if you were wearing a bike
helmet around campus, you didn't.

- Am I right?
- Ugh!

Why don't we let you guys finish,
and we'll come back later?

Okay.
Okay.

Yeah. Yep.
Yeah.

Yeah, that sounds good.
See you on parents' weekend!

They seem nice.
Guys-

I know. I know. Look, we
need to reorganize a little.

Your dad will go out
and get us some new sheets.

You and I can hang up
all the pictures on the walls.

You know what? I think it's
best if you guys get going.

But we-we wanted to help you, sweetie.
No, I got it.

Wh-What if you wanna move
the furniture around?

And we were gonna take you
to dinner before we left.

I like the furniture where it
is, and I'm not hungry, so-

Okay.
Okay.

Um, well, before we leave,

I wanted to give you a
little present. Oh.

It's actually not
a little present.

It's probably the best present
you're ever gonna get.

It's a collection of all
the things I've learned-

Thanks.
Uh-

[ Woman On P.A. ] Attention.
Dorm meeting in the common room.

Okay, so-I better go.
[ Claire ] I know.

[ Phil ] Okay. [ Mouths Words ]

Okay, come here.
That's my girl.

[ Chuckles ] Let me get in there.
Okay.

All right.
Bye!

Bye.

"The most amazing things that
can happen to a human being...

will happen to you...

if you just lower
your expectations."

Oh, they've got something
over the hole.

[ High-pitched Voice ] Lily!
Connor!

We can't see anything from outside.
The curtains are closed.

Open up, Connor! We'll
let you have a hot dog!

What if something
happened to them?

What kind of hazards
do you keep in there?

Well, let's see. That's where
we keep our gun collection,

our abandoned refrigerator and our
chocolate-covered hypodermic needles.

Why are gay men always so sarcastic?
It's my coping mechanism!

Okay, that's it!

Lily, Connor, if you can hear
me, back away from the door.

I'm gonna break it down.
I'll help you.

[ Lily ]
I don't want Connor to go!

[ Connor ] I wanna stay! Oh, thank God.
They're alive.

[ Lily ] I love him!

No, you love the idea of him.
Now open this door, sweetie.

[ Connor ]
Can we really have hot dogs?

Yes, we promise.

[ Pam ] Oh! [ Mitchell ]
Come here, sweetheart.

[ Cameron] If you ask me, sometimes we
get so hung up on our differences,

we forget the one thing
we have in common.

When it comes to the safety and
well-being of our children,

we're all a little bit nuts.

You have dainty little hands,
just like your daughter.

You have boots like my dad.

I'm not saying that the
goat put me to sleep...

or brushed my teeth.

It just stayed outside
my bedroom window...

and scared
all the strangers away.

Well, I'm not gonna lie. I'm a
little disappointed. Hey, kid!

Jay, Mom. How was class?

It was great.
It was very educating.

And-And now we know everything
about the baby, no?

Mm-hmm. Interesting,
because your teacher called,

and you forgot your
sunglasses when you left-

three hours early.

Ay, Manny, don't be mad.

I'm not mad.
Just disappointed.

I hate this.
I prefer when he screams.

Manny, it's no big deal. They weren't
telling us anything we didn't already know.

We're going to have a baby. Am I
the only one who's terrified?

But why?
Why are you so terrified?

What if it doesn't know not to pick up knives
or stick its finger in an electric socket?

You were pretty lax, Mom.

I was the one who told you to turn the pot handles
towards the stove so I couldn't reach them.

Manny, I didn't worry about those things
because you worried for the both of us.

What if this baby doesn't think
things through? It's part Jay.

No offense taken.

If the baby's different,
we'll be different.

Hey. When you were growing up, you had
to be the man of the house and the kid.

Now I'm here.
You just have to be the kid.

I'm not gonna let anything
happen to the baby,

just like I'm not ever gonna
let anything happen to you.

- Okay?
- Okay.

That is a load off.

Although, you forgot to pick me
up last week after tango class.

We didn't forget.
We were just 10 minutes late.

Ten minutes is a long time
in a sketchy neighborhood.

Please. It was between a
Gymboree and a Pottery Barn.

"Dance until your feet hurt.

Sing until your lungs hurt.

Act until
you're William Hurt."

How you doing?
Are you okay?

Yeah. No, I'm-
I'm-I'm-I'm good. You?

Fine. Yeah.

Great.

[ Chattering ]

[ Girl Laughing ]

[Phil]
"Take a lesson from parakeets.

If you�re ever feeling lonely,
just eat in front of a mirror.

Never be afraid
to reach for the stars,

because even if you fall,

you'll always be wearing
a parent-chute. T. M."

[ Cell Phone Rings ] [ Beeps ]

Haley! Hi, honey.
You okay?

Yeah.

- Where are you guys?
- Almost home, honey.

Dad, I really like that book.
You do?

Sweetheart, is everything okay?

Yeah. I just wanted to say
thank you for everhing-

you know, today and stuff.

Of course. Of course. Sure.

If-If you need anything
at all, you just call us.

I'll probably need some more condoms soon.
[Phil] Not funny.

I'm sending you
some Care Bear sheets.

Anyway, I should
probably get going.

We have orientation
at 7:00 a.m.

G-Good luck with that,
sweetie.

I love you guys.

We love you too, honey.

So, so much.

Bye.
Bye, Haley.

I'll miss you.

"Marry someone who looks
sexy while disappointed."

See?

"Older black ladies make
the best iced tea."

"Success is
one percent inspiration,

98% perspiration...

and two percent
attention to detail."

"You can tell a lot
about a person...

from his biography."

"Watch a sunrise
at least once a day."

"If you love something,
set it free-

unless it's a tiger."

"If you're ever in a jam,

a crayon scrunched up under your
nose makes a good pretend mustache."

"When life gives you lemonade,
make lemons.

Life will be all,
like, 'What?'"