Original subtitles

-Are you still working? -Yeah, going over the books.

Is everything okay?

Not sure. Math ain't really my strong suit.

Aw, honey, it can't be any worse than your English.

Let me see.

Whoa! That's a really big number. Is that what you owe?

It's what we made.

-That's amazing! -I know.

-So there's definitely a mistake. -Has to be.

Well, do you want me to check it?

-Are you good at math? -Better than you.

Okay, let me see.

That's, uh...

-Whatcha think? -I think we should ask my mom.

Well, there's your mistake right there.

I knew it.

No, you forgot to carry forward last month's earnings.

You're up even more than you thought.

-So we made that? -You made that.

Holy crap!

Wait, wait. Let me see. Let me see.

Holy crap!

Let's go out and celebrate!

Or we could stay in.

Ooh, I like the sound of that.

O-Okay, I'm right here!

Sorry. We'll go.

Actually, I'm just gonna take this.

Hoo, mama!

No way. How?

Between the U-Haul account and the Chamber of Commerce sending us business

we had our best month ever.

And you're sure this is right?

It's not that I don't trust you, I just... don't.

Mrs. McAllister checked it.

-Holy crap! -My exact words.

You know what we should do? We should each take a bonus.

Or we do the smart thing and pay down our debt.

-That is the smart thing. -So we're agreed?

We're agreed that's the smart thing.

-But we're not gonna do it? -No.

Turns out we had the best month the store's ever had.

After you retired. That's a kick in the plums, huh?

No, I'm happy for him.

And also, I laid the foundation.

And also, shut up!

Don't be jealous, it's easier for Georgie, he's just so handsome and charming.

Hey, your father's charming.

Oh, don't listen to 'em, Mr. McAllister.

I couldn't have done any of this without you.

Thank you.

Jerks.

So, you got any fun plans for the money?

Figure this might be a good time to open a retirement account.

My mottos is "It's never too soon to save."

How is that your motto? You don't make any money.

Don't need money for mottos, mottos are free.

Georgie, I know you want to be responsible,

but I think you should treat yourself.

There's no rush, I'm gonna be successful my whole life.

It's okay to splurge every once in a while.

I don't really need anything.

Honey, you still have shirts from high school.

That wasn't that long ago.

Let me take you shopping this weekend. It'll be fun.

I hate shoppin'.

Yeah, I know. It's one of the things I'm trying to fix about you.

Remember when we first started making money at the store?

Oh, yeah!

Connor was a baby and I bought that rocking chair.

Felt so extravagant.

He did not like it.

Threw up every time.

I did a little splurging myself back then.

You never told me that. What'd you buy?

Ah, it doesn't matter. It was a long time ago.

Oh, come on, tell me.

Okay. Bought a Super Bowl ticket, fifty-yard line.

And you didn't buy me a ticket?

Well, I would've, but the fifty-yard line's real expensive.

You rat bastard!

Here I am feeling bad about a chair I bought for our infant son

and you went to the Super Bowl without me?

Yeah, but we can laugh about it now.

Unbelievable.

That was like twenty years ago, water under the bridge.

Fine.

I guess you're right.

I'm sure you got a couple things you never told me.

Oh, more than a couple.

Well, there you go.

-So what are they? -I'll tell you in twenty years.

Oh, come on. I might not still be alive.

Oh, think of it as a reason to hang in there.

-How's it going in there? -Okay.

Might go a little better if you come in and helped me out.

Nice try, but fluorescent lights and a lot of mirrors

is not the turn-on you think it is.

-Well? -You look great. Let's get it.

I don't know. Black jeans?

It's not like I'm going to a wedding.

Okay, how about just the shirt then?

It's really white. What if I spill something on it?

Well, then you'll get it dry cleaned.

I didn't want to come here, you think I want to go to the dry cleaners?

Come on, there's gotta be something here that you want.

-Well, that jacket's kinda cool. -Oh. This one?

-Okay, let's try it on. -Okay.

Here you go.

Oh, yeah. Hubba-hubba.

Oh, and it's on sale.

-How much? -Only a hundred and eighty dollars.

A hundred and eighty dollars?

I ain't spending that much on a jacket!

No, but it's a hubba-hubba jacket.

No, it's too much.

God, I have sunglasses that cost that much.

You have sunglasses that cost a hundred and eighty dollars?

Okay, I thought if they were expensive I wouldn't lose them. I was wrong.

I'm gonna go change.

Okay, and then maybe after we can go to the shoe store?

-I don't need shoes. -Yeah, I'm not talking about you.

-Sweet Jeep. -Thanks. Just bought it.

I didn't know you were looking for a car.

I was gonna talk to you about it over breakfast,

but then I remembered you're not my wife.

These things are built like tanks.

I know. You could drive this through a war zone.

-So you gonna take it off road? -And get it dirty? No way.

-So, what'd you do with your bonus? -Nothin'.

Aw, dude, you gotta treat yourself to something.

Knowing that my family is taken care of is my treat.

I've got my whole life to buy stuff.

But you're only young once.

I wish I could have bought this thing when I still had hair to blow in the wind.

No, what you should have done is

got a wife while you still had hair to blow in the wind.

I'm your only friend. You should watch how you talk to me.

That ain't true. Mandy's my friend. My best friend.

-Mornin'. -Morning.

-Sleep okay? -Like a baby. You?

Same.

I mean, I did find myself thinking about your little secrets.

Who said they were little?

You're screwing with me, right?

Sure.

Just tell me one, I won't be mad.

Oh, yeah you will.

-Hey. -Hey.

Whoa, you went back and got the jacket.

Yeah, Ruben convinced me I needed to lighten up a little.

Oh. Yeah, well, I did say the same thing.

I'm like the lid on a jar of mayonnaise. You loosened me up.

Well, you do look sexy.

I do, don't I?

It's weird, I'm not used to spending money on myself.

Well, you never really had any money to spend.

Plus my parents always fought about money

so I guess it made me a little, what do you call it, frugal?

You don't have to be frugal.

We both have jobs. It's okay to treat ourselves once in a while.

You're right.

You know, you buy what you want, I buy what I want, everybody's happy.

-What'd you buy now? -The point is, everybody's happy.

-Need a hand? -What?

-Need a hand? -You're kidding, right?

Why-Why would I be kidding?

For our entire marriage you have never once offered to help me with the laundry.

Well, isn't it nice that we can still surprise each other.

Speaking of which, I got you a little something.

-What's this? -Open it.

-Astros tickets. -Yep! Two of 'em.

Yeah, I know it's not the Super Bowl,

but these are great seats right behind home plate.

Thanks.

And-And they're playing the Dodgers. I know how you feel about them.

I do hate those Hollywood hippies.

-Great. -You still can't buy my secrets.

A-Are you sure? Did you see the price?

But thanks for helping with the laundry.

Here, these go in the dryer. That's that thing right there.

-Can I look? -One sec. Okay.

You bought a Jet Ski!

Who's frugal now?

Whatcha think?

I didn't know you wanted a Jet Ski.

My whole life.

It's like a motorcycle except if you fall off instead of dyin' you get wet.

You know, I'm just a little surprised we didn't talk about it first.

Well, you're the one who said I should buy whatever I wanted.

Yep. I did. I did. And you did, so...

Yay, Jet Ski.

Picture it. You, me, out on the lake.

Matchin' read swimsuits like Baywatch.

Should've known Baywatch was behind this.

I often ask myself, "What would the Hoff do?"

-The Hoff? -David Hasselhoff.

It's like "What Would Jesus Do?" but one of 'em used to be Knight Rider.

Well, can't argue with that logic.

Best part, we ever get hit with one of them tsunamis,

me, you and CeeCee can Jet Ski right out.

Or that logic.

Why is there a Jet Ski in the driveway?

Georgie bought it.

Please tell me he's not gonna keep it there.

Oh, you don't like it?

It's so white trash.

What's next? A couch on the front lawn?

Well, he does like sleeping outside.

-It can't stay there. -I agree. Go tell him.

Amanda, don't make me the bad guy.

I didn't make you the bad guy, God did.

It's open.

Jet Ski's got to go.

-Where am I supposed to put it? -Not my problem.

-Can I put it in the back yard? -No.

-What if I park it on the street? -No!

-What if I-- -No!

You're not gonna believe this. Your mother won't let me keep the Jet Ski here.

Oh, she is the worst!

Hey.

So, something going on with you and Mom?

No, why?

I heard her on the phone with Aunt Louise.

What'd she tell her?

I shouldn't say. I'm trying not to be a gossip.

Then why'd you bring it up?

I said I'm trying. I'm not good at it yet.

Okay, fine.

I told her about something dumb I did years ago and now she's torturing me.

Ooh, what did you do? No, don't tell me. I'm better than this.

It's no big deal,

she's just trying to make me think she's got a secret I don't know about.

-Does she? -Probably. I don't know.

Hey, um, you've got a weird relationship with her, you ever hear anything?

What's weird is a father asking his child if he knows secrets about his mother.

No, it ain't.

What would she think?

She doesn't need to know.

Wow. Now you want the child to keep secrets from his mother.

You are some piece of work.

-Mornin'. -Mornin'.

Why is there a Jet Ski in the garage?

Pretty sweet, huh? I bought it.

-Why? -What do you mean why? You bought a Jeep.

Yeah, that I drive to work. What are you gonna do with that thing?

What am I gonna do? Well, take it to the lake and look like a badass.

How am I supposed to work with that here?

I'll pull it out during the day and put it back at night.

Every day? For the rest of your life?

No, just 'till have a house on a lake with a dock for my Jet Ski.

Oh, dude, this is just stupid.

Hey, you were all over me to spend money and have fun, so I did.

Yeah, but this is just stupid.

You wanna be that way? Fine. I'm not taking you to the lake.

-Georgie! -What?

This is really stupid.

-Mind if I watch some TV? -Knock yourself out.

Please tell me.

Fine.

I know that every year you said you were going to a tire convention

you really went to a casino.

Wait, that's not your secret, that's my secret.

-Did you know I knew? -No.

'Cause I can keep a secret.

That don't count. Tell me one of yours.

-You first. -Well, I don't got anymore.

Well, then I guess you have nothing to bargain with.

You're just bluffing. I know everything about you.

Hey, uh, are you fakin' bedroom stuff? 'Cause I'm okay with that.

-Hey. -Hey.

You're home late. Did you have a tow?

No, I had a little accident with the Jet Ski.

-You took it to the lake? -I backed it into Ruben's Jeep.

Oh, Georgie.

No, the important thing is no one was hurt.

Although Ruben did cry a little.

Do you ever think maybe this wasn't the smartest purchase?

You and everybody else was pushing me to buy something so I bought something.

Well, I didn't mean a Jet Ski we're never gonna use.

We'll use it. We'll go next weekend.

-It's gonna rain. -Well, the weekend after.

-CeeCee has a birthday party. -She can skip it.

No, no! She skips and then all the moms stop inviting her

and then she's got no friends.

She'll make friends. Her dad has a Jet Ski!

You're not putting strange kids on that thing!

You're not putting our kid on that thing!

Well, not now, but once she learns to swim.

Georgie, it's okay to admit that you made a mistake.

I've bought plenty of dumb things in my life.

I know. I've seen your shoe closet.

Hey, my shoes are not dumb, I love every single one of them.

Except for the clogs. I'll give you the clogs.

Well, I love my Jet Ski. And someday when we have a free weekend,

and the weather's nice, and CeeCee learns to swim you're gonna love it too.

-Honey, are you listening to yourself? -I don't have to. I know what I'm saying.

I don't know. It's kind of an eyesore.

You-You let Sheldon put that big satellite dish in the front yard

when he was tryin' to spy on NASA.

We made him take that down.

The FBI made him take it down.

-Who do you think called them? -Really?

I had their card on the fridge ever since the Uranium incident.

I promise it's only temporary.

A couple weeks, just until I find a better place to store it.

Just a few weeks, right?

A month, tops.

And hey, when we take it out on the lake you should come.

That does sound kinda fun.

Finally, someone gets it.