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(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) I got 30 handicap parking spots at the

gym.

Who the hell's using them?

You think it'd be one place an able

-bodied man could finally catch a break.

You're bitching about walking a few extra steps

to get to a treadmill.

For your information, I was trying to park

at the gym so I could go to

the Krispy Kreme next door.

And you didn't bring us any?

I ate them on the way back to

the car.

I don't know why they call this a

drag.

It is heaven.

Hey, cover your mouth.

Do you mind?

Will you put that out?

You're making my customer sick.

You're making me sick and it's disgusting.

I smoke here every day.

It's disgusting every day.

You should be used to it then.

See?

You're smoking made that woman leave.

Oh, lucky us.

She left the paper.

Let me get the crossword.

You know what?

Just put the cigarette out.

Will you please?

You're ruining it for me anyway.

Good morning, everyone.

Listen, no breakfast for me this morning.

I got to go on a diet.

These pants are so tight, I can barely

walk.

That's the least of your problems.

Since when do you wear lime green pants?

I don't have lime green pants.

I think you do.

Come on, that makes no sense.

These pants were on the chair in my

bedroom, so they have to be mine.

But they are really tight.

And short.

And green.

Well, Jake, why don't I just look in

your pants and see if they're your size?

Well, let me think about how bad I

want to know.

Yeah, all right.

Make it quick, though.

Wow, satin briefs.

I thought you were more like a...

All right, come on, Bob.

32 waist.

Well, I have no way.

I'm a 34.

Well, then they're not your pants.

Problem solved.

There's still a problem.

I'm wearing somebody else's pants.

Yeah.

Well, I know what you're thinking.

Some guy left them on the chair in

your bedroom after sleeping with your girlfriend, but

I wouldn't jump to any conclusions.

Actually, I was thinking that maybe Amanda got

these for me as a gift.

Take it from me, my friend.

Those pants are no gift.

Now, I'm gonna go home and talk to

Amanda.

Yeah, I think you better.

Oh!

Oh, my God!

You put your cigarette out in my coffee.

Yuck.

All right, you know what?

That's it.

No more smoking in the diner.

As of this moment, this is a non

-smoking restaurant.

You can't do that.

Oh, sure I can.

Smoking in any eating establishment is at the

discretion of the proprietor according to city ordinance

324259.

Where'd you get that?

Well, it's my high school locker combination, but...

I still say you can't smoke here.

You know what?

You can take these with you.

Yeah, Becca, get those out of here.

That's just stupid.

You know, where am I gonna smoke my

morning cigarette?

Smoke at home.

And stink up my apartment?

Yeah, and stink up his apartment.

Yeah, whose side are you on?

I don't really give a crap.

I just like to be involved.

Seriously, it's not fair.

You know, you gotta at least give a

guy a warning.

Can you read?

There's one right here on the pack.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A couple of rats get emphysema.

I'm supposed to change my life?

I don't think so.

Good morning, John.

Not yet, it isn't.

I haven't had my morning cigarette.

That fascist Chris instituted a new rule.

I can't smoke at the diner anymore.

You got any matches back there, Margaret?

Oh, sure.

Let me get them for you.

Yeah, thank you.

Hmm.

What the hell are you doing?

I only had two left.

You know you can't smoke in here.

What the hell were you thinking?

Oh, I don't know.

I was thinking, you know, my office, my

rules.

Since when?

Besides, you should quit that filthy habit anyway.

There's nothing to quit.

I don't smoke because I need to.

I smoke because I want to.

And right now, I really, really want to.

Well, too bad.

There's a patient waiting for you in room

one.

Who?

I don't know.

Linda checked her in before I got here.

You're kidding me.

Linda got here before you?

Well, she was wearing her watch upside down.

She thought she was late.

Okay, so you know what to do.

Absolutely.

Tell me just one more time.

What is so hard to understand?

You tell the doctor your dog's symptoms, but

make him think you're talking about yourself.

Then you find out what's wrong with him,

and we'll go from there.

Do you really think I'm going to be

able to fool him?

I mean, he's a doctor.

The great thing about intelligent people is they're

really not that bright.

Here you go, Dr. Becker.

She's all checked in.

Thank you.

Okay, Holly, what seems to be the problem?

I don't like to chase frisbees in the

park.

Well, neither do I.

How can I help you?

I have no appetite.

I'm very tired, and my nose is warm

and dry.

I'm sorry.

I don't think I understand.

How about this?

I used to love to go outside and

chase squirrels.

Now, I just lie by the back door

and whimper.

Yeah, I know you, don't I?

Well, I worked here for an afternoon, and

then I became friends with...

Linda!

Yeah.

Yes?

What's wrong with this girl?

She's really sick.

It didn't work.

It's her dog.

What?

Linda, I'm not a vet.

Wait a minute.

You do know that I'm not a vet,

don't you?

Yes, but Holly's dog, Fred, is sick, and

she can't afford to take him to a

vet.

Things are really tight right now.

Yeah, I can see that.

Come on.

What do you want from me?

Well, she has people insurance, so if you

could just find out what's wrong with the

dog, then you could treat him and put

her name on the form.

I'm not going to commit insurance fraud.

Well, then treat him for free.

You do it for people in this neighborhood

all the time.

That's because they're people.

Okay, fine, but you're going to have to

break it to Fred yourself.

So, have you been?

Don't talk to me.

Go ahead.

Explain it to him.

Yeah, I'm not talking to a dog, Linda.

Don't look at me like that.

I'm not treating it.

Well, you know, it may not mean anything

to you, but I'm a Harvard-educated physician,

so I'm not going to treat you.

No, I'm not.

No, I'm not.

No, I'm not.

All right, fine.

All right, here.

I'll call a vet, and I'll run a

few tests, but that's it.

Any chance he's going to need medical marijuana?

It's out.

Coffee to go, please, Chris.

What are you doing?

I was serious.

You can't smoke here anymore.

Oh, come on.

I would have thought by now you'd had

time to get the ashes out of your

teeth.

Are you serious, Becker?

This is now a non-smoking restaurant.

Back off, Bob.

I still have a lighter.

Between that jacket and your hair gel, you'd

go up like a Texas oil field.

Hey, get that away from me.

This shirt is made out of recycled packing

material.

John, you know, if you're really that addicted,

why don't you just smoke on the way

over here?

Because I don't like to smoke while I

walk.

It blows back in my face, and secondhand

smoke is very dangerous.

Look, I am not addicted.

You know, smoking is simply a pleasure that

I choose to allow myself in moderation.

I got one of those.

Wait, in moderation?

Ah, forget it.

No, I don't.

You know, John, you can rationalize it any

way you want, but if you're smoking, you're

addicted.

No, I'm not, and I know that because

I don't have an addictive personality.

Now, give me my damn coffee before I

lose it.

What are you doing?

Yeah, that's very cute.

You're welcome.

Watch out, man.

She is in a foul mood.

Hey, Jake, you talk to Amanda yet?

No, no, I left a message.

I told her to meet me here for

lunch.

So what are you going to tell her?

I don't know.

I've been racking my brain, trying to come

up with some explanation of how those pants

ended up in my house.

Face it, Amanda cheated on you right under

your nose, my friend.

I want to get all the facts before

I go making any accusations.

You have the facts, okay?

So when she gets here, be strong.

Let her know who wears the pants in

the family.

I don't care whose pants they are.

You know, Jake, the only problem with Bob's

advice is that it comes from Bob.

Just give Amanda the benefit of the doubt.

Yeah, you know what?

You are right.

I mean, we've had our ups and downs,

but one thing I know is I can

trust Amanda.

She'd never cheat on me.

Hi, Jake.

You lying whore.

What?

Yeah, yeah.

I wore some lime green pants that were

left on my chair by some guy that

you slept with.

You think I cheated on you?

Well, hey, I don't see any other possibilities.

Okay, Jake, you got me.

There can't be any other possibility.

Unless, of course, the dry cleaners gave me

those pants by mistake and I put them

on the chair so I'd remember to take

them back.

Okay, that's another possibility.

You know, all the time we've been together,

I've been nothing but love you and care

about you, and you call me a lying

whore?

Pet name?

No, that hurts, Jake.

That really hurts.

It's like you just want to think the

worst about me without even talking to me

first.

If you don't have trust in a relationship,

you've got nothing.

Nice work, Bob.

Dry cleaners.

God, it never occurred to me.

Where's she get off saying that I'm addicted

to smoking?

I just enjoy it, that's all.

You know how it is, right?

I mean, you like to lick yourself.

You don't do that because you're addicted.

You do it because it gives you pleasure.

And, well, because you can.

So, you know, I don't care what Margaret

says.

I'm gonna have a little cigarette here.

And you, uh, well, lick them if you

got them.

Oh, I'm sorry, pal.

I must have heard.

John?

What are you doing?

Are you smoking?

You better not be.

And get that dog out of here.

Oh, God.

Still hurt a lot less than if she

caught me.

All right, Miss Turner, put this cream on

three times a day.

And if I were you, I would stay

out of the tanning salon.

Unless, of course, the look you're going for

is broil lobster.

Oh, these girls can be so dumb.

Tanning salons are so bad for you.

Oh, come on, Margaret.

You remember what it was like when you

needed a quick tan for a big occasion

like the prom.

No, Linda, I never needed a quick tan.

Oh, my God, Margaret, I'm so sorry.

You didn't go to your prom, did you?

Oh, great.

Hey, that's my chair.

Come on, get up.

What's the matter with you there, buddy?

Come on.

What could be so bad?

He won't talk.

I already tried.

Do you have any idea what's wrong with

him?

Yeah, I don't know.

You know, I ran some blood tests, took

x-rays.

Still, he just sits there.

Oh, buddy, you like hamburger, do you?

Oh, yeah, he loves me.

Holly used to work at a steak restaurant.

She brought him home scraps all the time.

Huh.

She doesn't work there anymore?

No, she was fired.

She got tired of wearing the cow costume.

They made her wear that in the restaurant?

No, that was just a thing between her

and her boss.

Well, how long ago did Fred get these

symptoms?

A couple of weeks ago, I guess, around

the time she got fired.

Yeah, and nobody put that together?

Oh, of course.

Fred's depressed because Holly got fired.

See what I have to put up with?

Or maybe he misses the scraps she used

to bring home.

You know, I think you're right.

No wonder Fred's upset.

Can you imagine enjoying something every day, day

after day, counting on it, looking forward to

it, then having someone just take it away

from you?

No, and I can't imagine what that's like.

Sure you can.

It's like you and your cigarettes.

Al, get out.

Just get out, will you?

You know something?

If you could answer the phone, you could

have her job.

I've ruined everything.

I mean, Amanda will never forgive me.

Why don't you send her flowers?

Because I don't think FDD carries a I'm

sorry I called you a lying whore bouquet.

I never got one of those, but I

did get an I'm sorry I slept with

your sister muffin basket.

It's a damn shame.

Yeah, it's a damn shame I listened to

you.

That's what I meant.

I'm here, Jake.

What do you want?

Amanda, listen, I just want to talk with

you.

I just want to make things right.

Please, let's sit down.

Sure.

You know, I've really been wanting to talk

to you, too.

Well, OK, you go first.

Drop dead.

I'm sorry.

Come on.

What was I supposed to think?

I found myself in some other guy's pants.

It scared me.

Well, you could have asked me before you

jumped to conclusions.

I know I was wrong, baby.

How can I make it up to you?

Well, you could start by trusting me and

buying me things like dinner, like jewelry.

So that's all I am to you.

Some guy to buy you jewelry.

If that's all you were to me, I

would have been gone a long time ago.

So now I don't buy you enough things.

You don't buy me anything.

OK, so you're saying the only reason you're

with me is because the sex is great.

You can tell yourself that.

You told me that.

Hey, Amanda, Amanda, come back here.

Wow, that was harsh.

Relax and probably just go home and have

sex like they usually do.

Speaking of which, you mentioned you had a

sister who sleeps around.

Just how low is her self-esteem?

For you, not low enough.

I had to ask.

Well, Margaret, it has been a long, hard

day and I am going home.

A long, hard day.

Boy, I didn't think I was going to

make it through, but I did.

Anyway, good night.

John, it's only 2.30. Are you kidding?

This has been the longest day of my

life.

Damn it.

Hey, why don't we just close early?

Good night.

Oh, great.

We lost Linda.

Well, as long as she's gone.

Forget about it.

I'll get her back.

Besides, you have a full schedule for the

rest of the day.

Your cigarette will just have to wait.

Oh, please.

My cigarette's the last thing on my mind.

Just give me the chart.

I will go smoke the next patient.

Dinner and dessert.

Hello.

Oh, not every night.

No, no.

Me llamo no Eduardo.

Me llamo Juan.

Si.

Eduardo no vive aqui.

No aqui.

Yes, yes.

I'll talk to you manana.

Oh, no.

Oh, look at that.

We have 500 billion Chinese.

You think one of them can invent a

leak-proof container?

Oh, wow.

No.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Shoot, shoot.

I can't stop that.

Huh.

There you go.

Plum sauce.

Well, might as well start with dessert.

Yo tengo fuego.

No.

Oh, yeah.

Ah, oh.

Que es la problema?

Uh.

Ooh, oooh.

Oh, god.

Ah.

Oh, no.

On my cigarette.

Where?

I see you!

I see you!

Don't move!

Don't move!

Oh Oh

Relax I'm a doctor.

There's nothing I haven't whoa Say

any chance you folks are gonna have a

cigarette afterwards Oh

What the hell lasted this long Hey John,

hey my cup of coffee, yeah, let me

know So, uh, what's new not much you

usual Cigarettes yours.

Yeah.

Well, they were you quit maybe One

piece of gum, yeah More

in the register if you need it, thank

you