Original subtitles

- From beautiful Gusman Hall in Miami,

the sun and fun capital of the world,

Jackie Gleason presents--

[MUSIC PLAYING]

--"The Honeymooners," starring Jackie Gleason and Art Carney,

Audrey Meadows and Jane Kean.

"And Away We Go!"

[MUSIC PLAYING]

- Hi, Alice.

- Oh, hi, Trix.

- How's the silver anniversary girl today, huh?

- Oh, Trixie, please.

You make me sound so ancient.

After all, I still don't have any gray hairs, you know?

- I know.

You must use the same stuff I do.

- Oh.

- I was down here earlier and you weren't home.

- Oh yeah? - Mm-hmm.

- Well, you know, since Mrs. Manicotti got that job,

I kind of told her that I'd keep an eye on her kids.

So today when I went down there, little Tommy,

well, it seems that he got a live rabbit for his birthday.

And the poor thing was so sick.

And there was nothing I could do except

take Tommy and the rabbit to the vet on Halsey Street.

- Well, how did things go?

- Oh, not too good.

We had to leave the rabbit there.

The vet said he's in terrible shape.

- Oh, Tommy must have been heartbroken.

- Oh, you know it.

But fortunately, on the way home a stray cat followed us.

So now the kid has a new pet. - Oh.

[LAUGHING]

- Oh, Trixie, please don't breathe a word of this

to Ralph.

He says that I worry more about the neighbors

than I do about him.

- Norton says the same thing about me.

But it's not true.

If he was sick, I'd take him to the vet just like that.

[LAUGHING]

What's that you're knitting?

- It's a cover for Ralph's bowling ball.

- Yeah?

- It's supposed to keep the ball from getting scratched.

I knitted him these mittens.

They're going to come in handy, too, on a cold winter

day on the bus. - Oh, I'll bet.

- See, I decided that instead of one big gift

for our anniversary, I'd just make a few small, useful gifts

like these. - Good idea.

- Oh, wow. Look at the time.

He'll be home any minute.

I've got to get this stuff out of sight.

- Me, too.

I just remembered why I came down here, Alice.

- Oh yeah?

- Do you remember yesterday you were telling me

that you thought your mother had a slight ulcer?

- Yes.

- Well, I was watching "The Mike Douglas Show"

and he had this doctor on there that was discussing ulcers.

- Mm-hmm.

- He said there are a lot of things that you shouldn't eat.

I copied down some of them on this paper.

- Oh, gee, thanks, Trix.

I'll just jot a note on here of what it's for.

Oh my.

Give it to mother when I see her.

- You should. - That's great.

- Hiya, sweetheart.

- Oh, hi, darling.

- How do I love thee?

Let me count the ways.

- Oh, Ralph, that's beautiful.

What is it, Browning? - Nah.

After work, Grogan took me into Rallies for a beer.

I saw it on a mouthwash commercial.

And how is our favorite neighbor?

- What was the name of that beer you had?

I'd like to get a case for Norton.

- Well, I gotta admit.

I feel pretty good tonight.

Alice, who do you think called me at the bus depot today?

- Who?

- The Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler of the Raccoon Lodge.

- Oh.

And what barroom was he calling from?

- Must you always make fun of the Raccoons?

It just so happened that the Grand High Exalted Mystic

Ruler said that they have some kind of an honor they

bestow on their members that have been married for 25 years.

- Oh, well what is it?

- He didn't know.

This is the first time it's happened.

But he says he's going to look it up.

And he had another sensational idea.

He wants to marry us again.

We get remarried at the lodge with everybody in full uniform.

You know, like a military wedding.

- Alice, that sounds like fun.

- Well, I guess so.

I tell you what, Trixie.

I'll do it if you'll be my maid of honor.

- Oh, I'd love it.

- All right.

It's settled.

And Norton can be my best man. - Oh, that's great.

- Terrific.

And I know just the dress I'm going to wear, too.

Come on upstairs, Alice, and I'll show it to you.

- OK.

Ralph, I'll wear my good dress.

But gee, I'll have to let it out a little, because I--

I put on a couple of pounds.

- You are getting a little belly there.

- Sweetheart, I'll just be a few minutes

and then I'll be down to start your supper.

- OK, lover. - Bye.

- Hey there, Ralphie boy.

Boy, you really are proud of that there mustache,

huh, Ralphie boy?

- Well, just because I've been married

25 years is no reason for me not to be still sexy.

You know, a mustache makes a guy distinguished.

It gives a man a sort of an air. You ought to grow one.

- No, I don't need one.

When you work in a sewer, you already got an air about you.

- I know what you mean.

I almost forgot.

The Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler

is going to remarry Alice and I down at the lodge.

And I want you to be the best man.

- I'll be there, pal of mine.

- Thank you.

I, uh, I suppose that now that my anniversary's getting near,

you are racking your brain as to what to give me.

- Ah, to tell you the truth, Ralph,

I haven't given it much thought.

No, that's not true.

I haven't given it any thought.

- Well, give it some thought!

- Ralph, to tell you the truth, at the present time,

I'm a little low on cash.

My capital funds are dwindling.

But they-- wait a minute. Wait a minute.

The 25th anniversary-- that's silver, ain't it?

Would you settle for a picture of the Lone Ranger's horse?

- No, I wouldn't!

It just so happens I was down Halpern's jewelry store.

He's got a pair of silver cufflinks down there.

You can give me those.

And don't let him talk you into the silver stickpin.

I got Garrity down for that.

- That's what I like about you, Ralph.

You're so easy to shop for.

- You got a pencil? - No.

- Well, there's gotta be one in the drawer.

Hey, get a load of this stuff Alice is knitting.

Somebody must be having a baby.

Get a load of this little sweater.

It looks like a teeny weeny mumu.

Look at that.

- What are these?

- Oh, well those are the two holes for the arms,

and this is the hole for the head.

- He may get his head and his arms through there,

but I don't think he's going to get them out again.

Hey!

Look at these cute little mittens here.

Boy, Ralph, as soon as the kid is born,

you better sign him up.

He's going to be the next heavyweight champ of the world.

- Well, Alice doesn't know too much about knitting.

Probably one of her nieces is having a kid.

- Yeah.

- No pencil in there.

Well, she usually has one in her apron pocket.

Get a load of this. - What?

- "Diet for mother.

No spicy foods, plenty of milk, no smoking."

Somebody is definitely having a baby.

I wonder who it is.

[LAUGHING]

What are you laughing at?

- Maybe it's Alice.

- What's so funny about that?

Why couldn't Alice have a baby?

- Well, for one thing, you're too old.

- I'm too old?

That's a laugh.

Charlie Chaplin's wife had a kid when he was 70 years old.

If he can do it at his age, I can do it at mine.

- Only if you walk into the bedroom like this.

- You know, it's not so funny at that, her having a baby.

She told me a little while ago she was gettin' fat.

[LAUGHING]

- Getting fat don't mean a thing.

Trixie's mother must weigh 300 pounds.

She ain't having no baby. [KNOCKING]

- Yeah?

Oh, it's Tommy Manicotti.

What do you want, pal?

- I have a message for Mrs. Kramden.

- Well, what is it?

- But I'm only supposed to tell Mrs. Kramden.

- I'm her husband.

You can tell me.

- Well, the doctor just called.

Tell Mrs. Kramden the rabbit died.

- Big deal, a rabbit died.

Ah!

Norton!

I'm going to be a father!

- You're going to adopt the rabbit's kids?

- Don't you get it?

The rabbit died!

That's a test to give pregnant women.

If the rabbit dies, they're pregnant.

I heard Marcus Wilby explain it to Vera Milesden.

- Congratulations, Ralph!

That's terrific. Come on.

Let's go upstairs and tell Alice the good news.

- Are you crazy?

I can't tell her.

She's got to tell me.

This is one of the big moments in a woman's life.

- Good thinking, Ralph.

Good thinking.

Well, now that we know that Alice is definitely pregnant,

the next question is rather obvious.

- What's that? - Who do you suspect?

- Don't ever say that, even in joking.

Alice wouldn't even look at another man.

- Oh, come on. Let's face it, Ralph.

You go bowling three nights a week.

Two nights a week, you shoot pool.

One night a week, you go to the Raccoons.

And the other night, you play poker.

I mean, that don't leave too much time for hanky panky.

- Wait a minute!

Remember last April when the pool room burned down?

- Yeah.

- It was very early, the shank of the evening.

But I went home anyway.

I figured Alice was alone.

She was lonely.

That could have been the night that started the whole thing.

- You're right, there.

I remember that night. I called up Trixie.

I said, Trixie, I'm coming home early.

She said, what happened? The pool room burn down?

- Just think, Norton.

In a little while, there will be another Ralphie running around

here.

And I'm not forgettin' you, Norton.

I want you to be the godfather.

[SINGING THE GODFATHER THEME]

- Ralph, you're making me an offer I can't refuse.

- I don't mean that kind of a godfather.

I mean, I want you to be the godfather of my son,

so in case anything happens to me, you can bring him up.

- No, no.

I don't want to bring up no kid, Ralph.

- You don't want to bring up a kid?

- Nah, too old.

- Do you realize what it is, bringing up a kid, Norton?

Why, you'll hear the first words he has to say--

"Dada."

And when he starts to crawl and gets up to walk,

he'll fall down and scrape his knee.

But you'll pat him on the back and teach him how to be brave.

And when he goes down for his first haircut,

you'll buy him an ice cream cone so he

won't cry when the barber cuts around his ears.

And when he says his first prayers,

you'll be right there with him, Norton, alongside,

kneeling by the bed.

And when the Little League season starts,

you can buy a glove and have catch with him,

teach him how to slide into second.

- Ralph, I want that kid.

- It's all settled.

You'll be the godfather of my son.

If anything happens to me, you raise the kid.

[SOBBING]

What are you crying for?

I told you, if anything happens to me, you can raise the kid.

- I know, I know.

But with my luck, nothing will happen to you!

- Huh?

Oh.

555-2626.

Yeah. I'll call you later.

- Hiya, sweetie. - Oh, hi, darling.

Ralph, thank you, angel, for the phone.

You know how long I've wanted one.

- Oh, that's OK.

You can never tell when you might

need a phone in an emergency.

- What kind of an emergency?

- Well, you know, you might need a doctor

in the middle of the night.

- Ralph, the only place you can get a doctor

in the middle of the night is on "The Johnny Carson Show."

And that's another thing I've always wanted: a TV set.

- Say no more, sweetheart.

You got it.

Do you want a black and white or a color?

- Oh, you better start me off on black and white.

I don't think I'm ready for the big time yet.

Ralph, I don't know what's come over you lately.

But thank you, darling.

And I have a little surprise for you.

But you are not going to find out

about it until the day of our anniversary.

- I am waiting with baited breath.

- You sit there and relax. I'll start your supper.

- All right, sweetheart.

- Ralph, what is the matter?

- Oh, nothing.

I was just admiring your fantastic shape.

I'm sure other men have admired your fantastic shape.

- Only the ice man.

But you know how romantic those Latins are.

- You know, you ought to sit down.

All this running around is going to make you tired.

- Oh, not now, Ralph, I have to get your supper.

You know, these frozen dinners don't get out of the box

by themselves.

And besides, why should I rest?

- That's for you to know and for me to find out.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Hello!

Will you tell him to turn that jukebox off?!

Who is this?!

The Grand-- it's the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler.

Yes, your Eminence?

What?

Oh, yes, your Excellence.

Yes.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Well, I guess you won't be making fun of the Raccoons

anymore.

- Why?

- That was the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler.

And the Raccoons, as a little gift, are going to send you

and me on a two-week vacation.

- Ralph, how marvelous!

Where to? - Guess.

- Miami Beach. - Mm-mm.

- Las Vegas. - Nah.

- Hawaii. - Mm-mm.

- Oh, come on, Ralph. Tell me.

I can't stand the suspense.

- We are going to spend two glorious weeks at the Raccoon

National Cemetery.

It's in Bismarck, North Dakota.

Of course, it's European plan.

That means no meals.

- Well, I didn't expect a cemetery to have room service.

- Well, we won't stay in the cemetery.

We're going to stay at the Raccoon's old folks' home.

It's right near a pond.

There will be fishing, boating, swimming.

- Well, doesn't sound too bad.

- Oh, we'll have a ball.

- Gee, there's just one problem, Ralph.

Do you suppose they could possibly

make that a trip for three, in case a third party should

join us?

- You mean a third party might join us?

- Yeah.

- Well, I think that could be arranged.

If the Raccoons won't pick up the bill,

I will, for the third party.

- Oh, Ralph.

You're a doll.

- By the way, any idea when this third party might be arriving?

- Oh, sure. Any minute now.

- Any minute?

- Yeah.

She's on her way over.

- Who's on her way over?

- My mother.

- You mean your mother is the third party you want

to take on my second honeymoon? - Well, of course.

Who did you think I was talking about?

- Well, I thought you were--

you know, about the, uh--

[KNOCKING] - Now, Ralph.

That's mother now.

And you be nice to her.

- How can I be nice to her?

We're natural enemies.

A rattlesnake and a mongoose.

- Now, listen here, Ralph.

Don't you start anything with my mother.

- I won't have to start anything.

She'll handle the whole thing, the dirty, old...

And look, don't you say a thing about our honeymoon.

All of a sudden, I can't afford a third party.

[KNOCKING]

She even knocks nasty.

- Oh, mother.

Come on in.

Oh, it's so good to see you.

- It's good to see you.

Oh.

I see we're not alone.

I thought you said he lost weight.

He still looks fat to me.

What's all that dirt under his nose?

- Mother, dear, why don't you sit down

and I'll get you a cup of tea.

I have the water on.

- Oh, we said you should have married Teddy Bennett.

- For your information, Teddy Bennett is dead.

- Well, at least he's in heaven.

And even if he went to the other place,

he's living a lot better than this.

- Mother, you apologize to Ralph this minute.

- No, that isn't necessary, Alice.

Why, I'm delighted to be in the presence of a celebrity--

the star of "Jaws."

- I take that from whence it comes, Moby Dick.

I am so tired from climbing up these three flights of stairs.

Your sister Helen has an elevator in her building.

But then, her husband is successful in the investment

business.

- He's an assistant bookmaker.

- Well, all I know is, she has an electric washing machine,

an electric refrigerator, an electric dishwasher,

and an electric garbage disposal.

Is there one thing around here electric you can show me?

- How would you like to see an electric chair?

- Mother, dear, here's your tea.

- Oh, thank you, Alice.

Could I have some sugar?

- Ralph, you want to get me the sugar bowl?

[GRUNTS]

- I'd like two lumps.

- Ooh, would I like to give you two lumps.

- I see Woolworth still sells the same spoons.

Oh, I've got to go.

I didn't realize it was so late.

- Well, time flies when you're having fun.

- When I'm at your sister Helen's house,

her husband always takes me home.

He drives a foreign car.

- I drive a foreign bus: none of my passengers speak English.

- Well, I guess I'll just have to take a taxi.

- Why take a taxi?

Why don't you ride home on this?

- Ralph, how dare you?

- That's all right, Alice.

Your sister's husband said the same thing to me--

except he said it with an electric vacuum cleaner.

- Mother, I'll just see you downstairs.

I'll talk to you later, Ralph.

- What do you want?

- What's the matter, Ralph?

What did I do?

- I'm sorry, Norton.

Alice's mother was just here.

We're natural enemies.

- Well, I know that.

Like the rattlesnakes and the mongeeses.

- You know, she's hated me from the day

that I met Alice and married her.

You know, for the first little while after we got married,

we stayed with her mother.

Those were eight of the lousiest years of my life.

- Well, I can understand that, Ralph.

Say-- - What's in that box?

- Is Alice going to be gone for a while?

- Yeah.

She'll be down on the stoop talking

with her mother about me for an hour.

- Tell you what we've got here.

We've got the expectant father's kit.

I got everything. I got everything here.

I got the baby powder.

I got the diapers.

I got the safety pins.

Got this here doll to practice with.

Now, see, Ralph, the most important thing

a new father has to know is how to change a diaper.

- Yeah, I guess that would be pretty important.

- Yeah.

Now, the first thing is, you must think

of this doll as your baby.

So we'll, uh-- we'll call the doll Baby Ralph.

All right?

Say hello to Baby Ralph, Ralph.

- Come on.

- Say hello to Baby Ralph, Ralph.

- Oh, Baby Ralph.

- Now, Baby Ralph, say hello to your father.

(SPEAKING IN BABY VOICE) Dada.

- Hey!

That's pretty good.

- Thanks.

The main thing is for a new father to know

is to put the diaper on.

Put the diaper on the right part of the baby.

- Well, I think I have a vague idea where that is.

- Now, it helps to, uh--

well, it helps if you think as the baby's head

as being in Florida and his lower extremities as being

in the Bahama islands.

Therefore, the area to be covered

will be known as the Bermuda Triangle.

- Will you put that on him before he's too old to wear it?

- All right.

Now, of course, we sprinkle the area liberally with powder.

Hang the expense, generously.

Here we go.

And over like that.

- Will you get on with it?!

- Don't worry about a thing, Ralphie.

Heals very rapidly.

Now put her in her place.

Group one here. Ready on the left.

Ready on the right.

Will you hold this here, Ralph?

I've got to see-- just hold it.

Hold it, hold it.

There we go.

- Ah!

[YELLING]

What's the matter with you?!

- Nothing-- I thought you wanted the baby to be brave.

- Well, watch where you're putting the pins.

- All right. All right.

All right. Calm down.

Calm down.

Now, another very important thing to know

is that your diaper is absorbent.

It's an Absorbo diaper, made by the Absorbo people

in Teaneck, New Jersey.

Give me a pitcher of water.

I seen this on a television commercial.

Get a pitcher.

Hey!

Who's getting a pitcher of wah-wah?

(SPEAKING IN BABY VOICE) Dada.

Hey, Ralph, I think me and the kid got an act going.

- That's nice.

I'll get you booked in the nuthouse.

- Yeah.

Now then, seen this on a TV commercial.

You just pour the water right in there.

Oh, come on. Come on.

I told you I've seen this on TV, on a television commercial.

Pour it in. - All right.

Now what?

- Now-- now, this--

[LAUGHING]

The joke's on me, Ralph.

I used the wrong diaper.

- Out!

Out!

- Hey, Alice, we have to be at the beauty parlor in a half

hour. - Yeah, I know.

I'm almost finished.

I'm just making a punch for the wedding reception tomorrow.

- Oh. Can I have a taste?

- Oh, yeah.

Tell me what you think.

- Oh, that's very good.

What's in it?

- Right now, it's just grape juice, sugar, and water.

- Well, that's a little tame for a wedding reception, isn't it?

- Oh, sure, but my recipe calls for putting in 4 quarts

of vodka.

But I'm not going to put that in until just

before we leave tomorrow.

- Oh.

Well, you shouldn't have to make the punch for your own wedding

reception.

- Oh, my dear, it was a royal command.

I got a call from the head of the Raccoons--

the Grand High Exalted Mystic Weirdo himself.

He wanted me to make the same punch that I made for a dance

they had last year.

- Oh, his Royal Highness must have liked it.

- He sure did.

He fell in the punchbowl three times.

Wait a minute, Trix.

I'll get this stuff put away and then we can go.

- All right, good.

- Lo!

What have we here?

- Oh, I'm making the punch for the wedding reception tomorrow.

The head of the Raccoons called and asked me to make it.

- Do you mean that the Grand High Exalted Mystic

Ruler called you up personally?

Do you know what an honor that is?

You're probably the first woman he's spoke to in a year.

- How very lucky for his wife. Excuse me, Ralph.

Trixie and I have to go to Mr. Bruce's to get our hair done.

And I don't have any money, and I didn't really

want to ask you. - Tut, tut, tut, tut, tut, tut.

Here you are, sweetheart.

- Oh, and on the way, I wanted to stop and get

a bag and gloves.

You know.

- Tut, tut, tut.

Here you are, sweetheart.

- And Ralph, I need shoes to match my dress.

- Tut, tut, tutty, tut, tut.

- And I want a mink coat.

- Are you nuts?

- I think I went one tut too far.

- Just get out of here. - Oh, Ralph.

I'll see you later.

Oh, and don't touch those hors d'oeuvres.

The Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler

was kind enough to let me make those, too.

[YELLING]

[CRASHING]

Hey, Ralph!

Open up!

- What's with the piano?

- I brought it down from upstairs to sing you a song.

- Are you crazy?

Carrying a heavy piano like this downstairs?

You could have hurt yourself.

- What, do you think I'm that dumb?

I didn't carry it down.

I let it roll down the stairs by itself.

Now, Ralph, tomorrow's a very important day.

You're going to get remarried, and then

Alice is going to tell you the good news about the baby,

so I wrote a song for the occasion.

Of course, I'm going to play it at the reception

but I thought you'd like to hear it here first.

- Well, thanks, Norton.

But I'm not in any mood for songs.

I'm a little disappointed.

- Disappointed about what?

- Well, I'm getting married tomorrow.

I would have liked to have had, you know, a bachelor party.

- I was going to wait a few days and throw you a baby shower.

- No, I mean a real bachelor party,

with a big cake and a big blonde jumping out of it.

- Maybe I get Mrs. Manicotti to jump out of a large pizza.

- Wait a minute!

- What?

- Why don't we have our own private bachelor party?

We've got booze, plenty of food.

- Hey, that's a capital idea, Ralph.

- OK. The party's on.

Help yourself to some food.

- Don't mind if I-- oh, it's like picking out wallpaper.

Look at all that. - Yeah.

- There we go. Let's see.

These are goodies. - Yeah.

[GIGGLING]

Will you come on!

- Beautiful. Have a plate.

I got this.

- Wait a minute!

Put that back there.

Must you always be a glutton?

- Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Ooh, what have we here? What is this here?

- Oh, that's the punch.

Wait a minute.

Let's have a drink.

And I want to warn you, pal.

This stuff is strong.

Alice put 4 quarts of vodka in this.

- 4 quarts?

- Well, go ahead and dip.

As that fat guy on television says,

"Mmm, boy, that's good booze!"

[COUGHING]

- It's very delicate.

- Hey, I-- - Replenish.

- Yes.

Why don't you, uh, make me a toast?

You know, something flowery. - All right.

Just a minute. Let me think.

Let me think.

[SPEAKING INCOHERENTLY]

Oh. I got it.

[SPEAKING INCOHERENTLY]

Got it. Here it is.

Ready? Down the hatch!

Replenish.

- Can't you, uh, make me some kind of a toast that rhymes?

- I know what you want. I know what you want.

Now listen. Wait a minute.

Hold on.

[SPEAKING INCOHERENTLY]

Here it is. Here's to Alice.

She'll soon be a mother. Here's to Ralph.

He'll soon be a fother.

- A fother?

- Well, you said it had to rhyme.

What do you expect from me?

I'm no Longfellow. Replenish!

- Come on. - Got one.

Got one.

Here's a beauty.

Here's to Ralph, a gentleman and a Raccoon.

Here's to Ralph, used to be built like a balloon.

[LAUGHING]

- Beautiful, pal! Beautiful.

- Hold on a minute.

[SLURRING INCOHERENTLY]

- Will you replenish?

- Way-- I'm way ahead of you.

May the gentle breeze caress you.

May the sunshine warm upon your face.

The rains fall soft upon your brow.

And may God hold you always in the palm of his hand.

- (SLURRING) Norton, that was beautiful.

Did you write that?

- (SLURRING) No, it's written on the side of this cheese jar.

Guy's name that wrote it is Cheddar.

- Cheddar.

[LAUGHTER]

- Replenish!

(SINGING WITH SLURRED SPEECH) Cheddar, cheddar!

Cheddar, cheddar, cheddar!

- Replenish!

- (SINGING) Maybe I'm right, and maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe I'm right, well maybe I'm wrong.

But nevertheless, I'm in love with you.

[SCATTING]

That was Alice and my song.

Wherever we went, I used to tip the waiter, you know,

half a buck or something.

I'd say, "Tell the band to play our song."

He used to play it.

What are you doing?

- That's another trick I learned in the Navy.

- Let me catch one.

Go ahead and throw it.

I missed it.

- No, you didn't. I didn't throw anything.

- Throw something and let me catch it.

- All right.

- Now throw your spinner and I'll watch out for this one.

- I got it.

[OBJECT HITTING PAPER]

Replenish!

- That kid, Norton...

That kid, when he grows up, is gonna--

he'll own all of this.

- What a lucky kid.

Not even born yet, already he's got his own slum.

- You know, there's no reason he couldn't grow up

to become president.

I might name him Jerry--

Jerry Kramden.

[SNORING]

You asleep, pal?

[INCOHERENT MUMBLING]

What a lucky guy I am.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

- Will the Raccoon Honor Guard and the guests

please assume their places?

[MURMURING ASSENT]

Music for the wedding ceremony will

be provided by Brother Edward Norton on the piano.

Brother Norton!

[APPLAUSE]

[HOWLING]

Now, Brother Norton, you may take your place at the piano.

- Will do, your Mystic Rulership.

- And now, we're ready to begin.

Raccoon Honor Guard, attention!

Raccoons at the ready.

Present arms!

Brother Norton, you may now play the wedding march.

- Will you play the thing?!

[JAZZY PIANO MUSIC]

[PIANO PLAYING WEDDING MARCH]

- Raccoon Honor Guard, at ease.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here

to join this man and this woman in marriage.

If there is anyone here who knows any reason why

this man and this woman should not be married,

let him speak now or forever hold his peace.

Do you, Alice, take Ralph to be your lawfully wedded husband?

- She does. - I do.

- I mean--

- Do you, Ralph, take Alice to be your lawfully wedded wife?

- I do.

[BLOWING NOSE]

- I'm sorry, Ralph.

I always cry at weddings and Chinese restaurants.

I'm allergic to rice.

Go ahead.

- Ralph, you may now put the ring on Alice's finger.

- Let me have the ring. - Beg your pardon?

- The ring! - Sing?

- Ring! - Ring.

Oh!

Wait a minute.

I got it.

[YELLING INCOHERENTLY]

I got it!

No, that's my change.

- Repeat after me.

- Repeat after me.

- With this ring, I thee wed.

- With this ring, I thee wed.

- To have and to hold.

- To have and to hold.

- To love and to cherish.

- To love and to cherish.

- Till death do us part.

- Till death do us part.

- I now pronounce you man and wife.

- I now pronounce you--

[HOOTING AND CHEERING]

- Now, if I may be excused, I must go in

and personally test Mrs. Kramden's famous punch.

- Oh.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, now that you've

attended the wedding, I know you're all

going to be happy about the surprise announcement

that Alice is going to make.

- What surprise? What surprise, Ralph?

- You can say.

You can-- I saw the baby sweater.

I saw it all.

- Baby sweater?

- Yeah.

- Ralph, that wasn't a baby sweater.

That's a cover for your bowling ball.

- What's the use of kidding?

I saw the thing, the mother's diet.

- The diet for mother?

- Yes.

- That's a diet for my mother's ulcer.

- Your mother's ulcer?

- That's right.

And guess who gave it to me?

- All right.

What about the dead rabbit?

- Oh.

You weren't supposed to know about that.

- Why shouldn't I know about it?

I think I had something to do with it.

- You had absolutely nothing to do with it.

It was all Tommy Manicotti's fault.

- Alice, what are you saying in front of all these people?

- I know you told me not to get too involved with the neighbors

but it was just one of those things.

- Alice!

- Tony Manicotti's such a nice boy.

I just couldn't refuse.

- Alice!

- Well, when I went down the other day, his mother was out,

and he asked me to come in the bedroom.

He said he wanted to show me something.

Ralph, what is the matter with you?

- Never mind him, Alice.

As future godfather, I demand an explanation.

- Well, it's very simple.

I went down the other day, and little Tommy

had gotten a live rabbit for his birthday.

And the rabbit was terribly sick,

and there wasn't anything I could do.

So I took the rabbit and Tommy over to the vet's.

And the vet tried to save him but the poor rabbit died.

- But Ralph thought you were havin' a baby.

- Me? Having a baby?

[LAUGHTER]

- Will somebody help me?

The Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler fell in the punch bowl

again!

[YELLING]

[PIANO PLAYING WEDDING MARCH]

- Gee.

- I want to tell you, that band was just great.

- Weren't they terrific?

- Max Sted is the end of the word.

And you were dancing all over the joint.

- I cut up a pretty good rug.

- Yeah.

The only--

- What?

- The only sad moment was when I had to make a fool of myself

about that kid.

- Aw, cheer up, Ralph.

You got your whole life ahead.

You're in the prime of life.

You look terrific. You got your own hair.

You got your own teeth.

And that there mustache looks terrific on you.

It makes you look like Clark Gable.

- Clark Gable?

- Yeah.

- You know, you're right.

- I got to get upstairs, Ralph. Got to get some sleep.

I got to be in the sewer six o'clock in the morning.

- Why don't you take a day off? - No way.

We're too busy.

We're the one industry that's never hit by a shortage.

Good night, Ralphie boy.

Woo!

- Clark Gable...

How about that?

- Oh, Ralph.

Would you like a glass of warm milk?

- No thank you, sweetheart.

Boy, what a time.

I'm telling you, the food was sensational.

Everybody had a wonderful time.

Band was great.

I never saw you dance like that in my life.

- I don't think I've danced that much since I

was in high school. Oh, Ralph.

Thank you for a perfect evening.

- Nah, that's all right.

[MELANCHOLY MUSIC]

I'm sorry, Alice.

I'm sorry that I made a fool of myself

in front of all those people, talking about a baby.

I couldn't do it in private, where I'd

be a dope just in front of you.

I had to do it in front of a million people.

But Alice, I really wanted a kid.

The only reason I wanted a kid, though,

was because I know it would be exactly

like you when it grew up.

- Ralph, there's no reason we have to stop trying.

- You mean, uh--

let's go!

- Will you please be quiet out here?

I'm trying to get my beauty rest.

- Oh, Ralph.

I'm so sorry.

I forgot.

When mother left the party, I told her

she could stay here tonight.

Oh, Ralph.

I am so sorry.

I forgot she was here.

Oh, Ralph.

Will you forgive me?

Please?

Oh, Ralph.

Please say something.

- Frankly, sweetheart, I don't give a damn.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

- The part of the mother-in-law was played by Templeton Fox.