Original subtitles

[GONG]

Oh Mighty One!

The first caravan of the day has arrived

from Samarkand

for your inspection.

'Tis poor quality, Oh Mighty One.

I'm merely passing through on my way to Venice.

Oh, just passing through, are you?

Well, I'm afraid that attracts both import and export duties.

Oh, yes. 100 in and 100 out.

200%!

Mmm-hmm.

It's not for nothing that The Mighty One is called Abdul the Benevolent.

I know, I know! I'm a fool to meself!

Oh Mighty One! Please have mercy on a penniless merchant!

I'll be ruined!

Next!

[GONG]

What's this lot then? Garden ornaments and pottery?

No, no. This is medicinal herbs from China.

This one is rhubarb.

Uh-huh. And what are the other ones?

Oh! This one is ginger.

Oh! Is he?

Perhaps you better give him a stick of rhubarb, then.

Pharmaceuticals, 200%.

Oh Mighty One!

This will ruin me!

Yes, yes.

The soup kitchen's that way!

Ohh! I'm ruined!

Ruined!

[CRASH]

Whoops!

What's that powder?

[SNIFFING]

[SNIFFING] It's p-p-p...

P-pepper!

And what is the street value of this pepper?

Come on! Own up!

Value nothing. In China, we have no streets.

Pepper peddler!

Fine him double!

That's 1,000%.

I said double!

That's 2,000.

One thousand, two thousand?

That's 3,000!

Oh! I am ruined!

Ruined!

Ha! Good!

Next!

[GONG]

[COUGHING AND WHEEZING]

Ew!

Here's one ruined before he's started.

THE WAZIR: That's far enough.

[WHEEZING]

[GAGGING]

What's he bringing in?

It's not perfume, that's for sure.

No, this one is a messenger.

Oh, good.

What do we charge our messengers?

Ah! No, no, no!

Oh Mighty One,

the message is for you.

For me? Yeah.

I come hotfoot from Lisbon.

He brings news of what the Lisbonians are getting up to.

Well, I don't care what they get up to

as long as they don't do it in the street

and frighten the camels.

No, no, the city of Lisbon.

Oh! Oh, the one in Portugal.

Quite correct, Oh Mighty One.

And if I'm not mistaken,

he brings your message from Achmed the shoemaker.

Our secret agent in Lisbon.

Right, right.

And where is this message?

[SNORTS LOUDLY]

It's, uh...

It's... It's in my boot.

May I take it off?

Well, very well, if you must.

It's a bit hard, Your Highness.

I haven't had it off in a year.

Yeah, and I can't say I'm surprised.

[FLY BUZZING]

"Oh Mighty Sultan,

"A certain Christopher Columbus,

"who has the map-making shop next to me,

"claims he can reach The Indies by sea."

By sea! By sea?

But if he succeeds, no trade will pass through Turkey!

And we should be ruined!

Ruined!

Summon Fatima the Circassian.

[GONG]

[BELLY DANCING MUSIC]

You rang, Oh Mighty One?

Wow. Fatima.

You're off to Lisbon on our swiftest galley!

There, you must meet with Achmed the shoemaker.

I want you to keep an eye on his doings.

As you command,

Oh Mighty One.

I cannot emphasize the seriousness of your mission.

For should this mariner Columbus find a way by sea to

The Indies, we shall all be ruined!

And I shall be forced to make

drastic cuts.

Where's The Wazir?

Well, he was here, but I think you put the wind up him.

Then it all depends on you.

Fatima.

Should this Columbus have a route...

Be assured.

I shall get my hand on it.

Mmm...

Good girl.

MAN: Christopher Columbus?

At your service.

I'm told you're Italian.

Oh, indeed I am, sir. Muah!

From Genoa.

Hmm, well, I'm planning an expedition.

Fancy that. So am I.

Oh, where to?

I seek a route across the great sea of gloom to China

and The Indies. Do you indeed?

Well, I'm off to Italy, and I seek a good, reliable man.

Oh, well in that case, please be seated.

And I shall ask my brother what we have in stock.

Ah, thank you.

Customer wants a map of Italy.

No, we've sold out. Tell him to come back next week.

No, he wants it now.

Chris, you can't sell a map of Italy if we don't have one.

Who can't?

Here we are, sir.

One map of Italy,

500 maravedis.

Well, let me see it first.

There we are.

Ho, ho. La bella Italia.

I can't take that home!

Why, what's wrong with it?

Well, look at it!

Yeah, well they've had a bit of soil erosion,

made it go in a bit there.

And the volcanic activity down there, it made it go out a bit.

We can have it touched up for you.

I'm referring to the naked mermaids.

We could have them touched up, as well.

Achmed the shoemaker,

barber and surgeon?

Christian convert?

Thank you. And cobblers to the Pope.

Take a seat, sir. No waiting.

Fatima waits for no man.

[SCREAMS]

Fatima! What are you doing here?

ACHMED: What's happening?

I have come from the Sultan.

You cut my ear off!

[LOUDLY] Don't worry, sir. I'll soon stick it back on.

Another complaint about your maps.

Who from? The Cardinal.

What, too many mermaids?

No. Not enough cherubs. Ohh!

You know, I tell you, the sooner we find a route to The Indies

and get out of this business, the better!

Well, I'm off to Italy next week.

Michelangelo wants to do me up on the ceiling.

Well, you mind you hang onto something while you're up there.

Now, listen.

The Sultan has sent me here to be in charge of operations.

Well, you weren't much help with the ear.

What news of Columbus?

Not a lot.

But do you keep him under observation?

Yeah. Of course.

By what means?

What a giant step in espionage.

Yeah, well I was 20 years in naval intelligence.

[BURLESQUE STYLE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

Do you mind if I look?

There's nothing to look at.

Then why are you so keen?

That's how I get to the bottom of his enterprises.

Do you think the Sultan pays you to look at naked women?

What naked women?

Well, that's it for today.

Ow!

FATIMA: Serves you right.

[DOG BARKING]

Good day, sir. I believe you are Christopher Columbus.

That is correct, sir.

I am Mordecai Mendoza,

formerly of the Jewish faith but now a convert to Christianity.

Are you collecting for something?

Collecting? No, no, no. I've come here to help you.

I understand that you are seeking a safe passage across the great sea of gloom?

Yes.

This, sir, is an ancient Hebrew manuscript

the book of Moishe the navigator.

Moishe the navigator?

The first man to sail around the world, in the year 207 BC.

That's incredible!

Where can we talk in private?

WOMAN: Ooh!

I knew there was a route to The Indies, now I've found it!

It's in Hebrew!

It might as well be in Chinese!

I speak that as well!

Also, I'm a master mariner. I have everything necessary for the voyage.

Good. Have you got a ship?

Well, no, haven't you?

No. Oy vey, what a joke.

I can't believe... No, no!

Hang on! Hang on a bit!

'Cause I can get one!

I can raise the money!

I have an audience with Queen Isabella of Spain.

We'll show her the document, travel tomorrow.

Spain? I can't carry this to Spain!

Why not? The Spanish Inquisition.

I'll be arrested!

No! You are a convert!

Well, they're making it especially hard for converts.

Any convert found with a book or a document in Hebrew is burned alive!

Look, perhaps it's best if I took the document.

Will you carry this to Spain?

Don't worry! I won't steal it!

I know you won't!

I'm coming with you.

Inform the Sultan we leave for Spain.

[RELIGIOUS CHANTING]

MONKS: [CHANTING] We are assembled here before you.

To ask your blessing.

Answer me in turn.

PRIEST: What is the purpose of our order?

[CHANTING] To strike terror

into the hearts of Jews and Muslims.

And how is this to be done?

By interrogation.

And torture.

And how are they to be

detected?

By offering them forbidden food.

Such as pork and ham.

[BELL CHIMES]

Here! Where's he going?

ALL: [CHANTING] To cut the ham sandwiches.

MAN: And stay out! [DOOR SLAMS]

Hey, what's that?

Will you stop worrying?

Tomorrow we show the Queen the scroll.

After that, you'll be under her protection.

That's tomorrow, how about tonight?

Just keep walking, leave everything to me.

Good evening, brothers.

[BOTH LAUGHING NERVOUSLY]

MAN: A moment.

Would you care for a ham sandwich?

Oh, we'd love one.

I can't eat this.

And why not?

There's no mustard on it.

No mustard on it!

Well, there wasn't!

Mine was covered in fluff!

But I ate it.

Help the poor, sir? Help the starving and the needy.

Oh! Thanks, thank you.

Sleep well.

[MAN CHUCKLES]

[WHISPERS] Shh! I'll search the room.

You watch out for the others.

[SNORES]

They're coming!

Oh! What are you doing in there?

I came for a further contribution.

And did he give you one?

Good night, gentlemen.

But, Columbus, we are an impoverished country.

Exactly, sire!

And the only answer to Spain's problem is to speculate.

One must speculate to accumulate.

Unfortunately, one has to accumulate before one can afford to speculate.

Precisely, sire! And, how better to accumulate than to acquire,

in one fell swoop, all the treasures of The Indies.

How right you are, Columbus. How wise!

What makes you think he's up to it?

I have seen his testimonials.

Hmm, yeah, I'm sure you have.

But we can't afford it.

Perhaps if we economized on certain articles around the court.

Oh... Yes...

Esmeralda!

My dear!

How are you?

Oh, very well.

My husband, the count

has got the Canaries.

Oh, dear! Poor man! Is he in much pain?

His cousin, the King, has made him governor

of the Canary Islands.

Oh! How nice.

Mmm-hmm-hmm...

When will you sail?

Next week. It's such a nuisance.

Because later in the year we have to come back.

Why? My daughter, Maria

is to wed

the Duke of Costa Brava.

What, him?

Now... [STAMMERING]

I beg your pardon, madam.

But he's... He's...

He's in the prime of life.

And one of the richest men in Spain, do you know him?

[GIGGLING NERVOUSLY] Of course.

Chiquita!

GUARD: Later, darling.

Milady.

You are here to chaperone Maria.

Yes, milady.

Remember, men who

seduce young women lurk everywhere.

Yes, milady. That is why I was keeping my eye on the soldiers.

Do you await an audience, sir?

No, I'm with my brother. He's in there with the Queen.

You're not Spanish, are you?

I'm Italian, actually. Um, a painter.

Oh, I adore art!

Do you know per chance, um, Leonardo da Vinci?

Oh, Lenny? Yes, very well. And of course, uh, Mick.

Mick? Michelangelo.

And, of course, there's Old Mona.

Oh. So you know my mother.

I was telling her how you met.

Met who? Who?

My daughter! Your betrothed.

Betrothed? Oh, yes!

They met horse riding.

It was love at first sight.

But... Is he...

Able to? I mean... Can he...

But of course he can!

He has two men who lift him on and off.

Lift him on and off?

What? Of his horse, of course!

Very well.

Columbus, I've been persuaded to finance your expedition.

Thank you, sire!

Have you a list of your requirements?

I have them here. I'll make it brief.

Firstly, a ship and supplies.

Secondly, that I be appointed Lord High Admiral and raised to the nobility.

Thirdly, that I am made Viceroy and Governor of all The Indies,

including Japan, China and anywhere else I find.

Plus!

Plus what?

10% of all the treasure.

Guards!

Remove him!

No, sire, look... You're making a big mistake.

Stop it! Will you let me go! There's no need for that.

You're throwing away a fortune!

Ha!

How did it go?

What's happening? They're thinking about it.

Would you mind moving that back?

I can't see anything.

You never can.

Columbus offers you all the wealth of The Indies and you have him thrown out.

He wanted 10%.

[CHUCKLES] 10%!

Leaving you 90!

90% of all the wealth of The Indies!

Do you have any idea how much gold there is in China?

[SIGHING] No... Do you?

There has to be more than you've got.

One candle between the two of us.

Never mind what I've got.

What's this Columbus got that you're after?

Me after?

What about that brazen hussy at the court?

I see she's wearing a new gold necklace.

And where did she get that from? Nobody knows, do they?

No wonder there's no gold left in the treasury.

If you're going to smother all your fancy women in gold,

then let us bring it in from China!

Wholesale!

Yes!

Oh! Oh! Oh! My cahoneys!

Now, Columbus. Father Torquemada has read your document.

But it's in Hebrew.

Yes, well, he had a Jewish grandmother.

FERDINAND: Didn't he?

At the seminary I attended, it was compulsory.

What, you mean they all had Jewish grandmothers?

Ferdinand!

Remember to whom you are talking!

The Grand Inquisitor!

ISABELLA: He has the power of life and death over everybody in Spain.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

To continue...

Father Torquemada

confirms

this document is the record of an early voyage.

And because of this,

we are reconsidering

your terms.

Come closer, Christopher.

Ah!

It's Christopher now.

Christopher!

We shall finance your expedition.

And may God go with you.

Ha, ha! This is it!

The Santa Maria!

Fantastic!

Where's the crew?

Well, Mor is to be navigator and sailing master, you'll be the master's mate.

What, me?

And that's it, is it?

Well, so far, but we'll have no bother rounding up the rest.

Pheasant.

[BOTH GROANING]

Now roll up. Roll up.

It's Ceylon for a voyage of a lifetime.

See the wonders of The Indies.

See mermaids and their frolics.

See lovely ladies from China.

Two-headed men from Japan.

One-legged cannibals,

victims of their own gluttony.

Thank you.

And it's all on the inside.

All on the inside of the Santa Maria.

I think you're flogging a dead horse, ducky.

It's the Inquisition, darling.

All the sailors are busy taking the Jews and Arabs to Morocco.

They don't mind what they pay.

Yes, but what about the ones who can't afford to pay?

Oh!

You mean like that lot over there?

Wonderful things... [INAUDIBLE CHATTER]

Lovely gents' outfits.

Nearly new. Carpet ornaments.

Hardly been walked on.

Candle stubs, hardly been lit.

Turkish delight. Lovely Turkish delight.

Hardly been chewed.

Do any of you lively lads wish to go to Morocco?

We can't afford the fare.

Then sign on as crew. Oh, we're not sailors.

But you can be.

See, I am in charge of a government-funded nautical academy.

The training ship, Santa Maria.

We sail on Wednesday.

[ALL WHISPERING]

Can we think about it?

Of course you can.

The Inquisition won't be here till Thursday.

Spare a copper for the snake charmer, sir.

Bring you very good luck.

I can't see any snake. No snake?

No. Oh, my God. He has escaped.

Oh, sir. He has gone up your tunic.

Oh! Madam, that is no snake.

Sorry. You very big boy.

Oh, I found him.

That's no snake either.

Hey, hey, you. Leave my sister alone.

ACHMED: She's an honest woman.

Achmed.

Don't worry. I have it.

Let me see.

This isn't in Hebrew, it's in Spanish.

What does it say?

To bold, adventure loving seamen,

Columbus needs you.

MAN: Throw those sheets, lad.

You.

I, sir, am the master's mate.

I don't care who you are friendly with, I wish to see Columbus.

Columbus. Yes.

I'm Don Juan Felipe, I've been appointed by the King

to look after the ship's books.

Oh, the librarian.

Well, we haven't got much.

How To Avoid Sea Serpents.

Madame Fifi's Guide to the Pleasures of the... No, Captain.

By books, I mean accounts.

I'm to keep strict control of your expenditure.

Now, how many crew do you have?

Well, not as many as I'd like.

Well, the King has sent you this royal warrant.

That will help you man the ship.

I use the word "man"

in its fullest sense, you understand.

Now, kindly have someone to show me to my cabin.

I'm sailing with you.

Oh, really, I don't think you'd enjoy that experience.

Why not? I insist.

Single cabin, port-side.

Well, we are rather crowded. Perhaps something...

Nice. A mid-ship's...

[MAKING PENSIVE SOUND]

MAN: Tickets for the hanging.

[BELL RINGING]

MAN: Tuesday and Thursday. Reduced prices for children.

Oh, hello.

Are you the doorkeeper?

No, I'm the Governor.

It's the doorkeeper's day off.

Well, I have an order from the King,

which offers a free pardon to any inmate

who volunteers to sail with us.

Walk this way.

MAN: Tickets for the hanging! Half price for children!

Oh. [DISTANT SCREAMING]

[RATS SCREECHING]

INMATE: No. That's not...

All right, if I can have your attention now, please.

Quiet, everybody. Quiet, please, quiet.

That's better. Now...

Admiral Columbus is going on a lovely sea trip.

And he's here to tell us all about it.

Gentlemen. I'm here to offer you the chance off a lifetime.

To break free from these shackles. To sail the mighty ocean.

To feel the sun and breeze on your faces.

Blue skies overhead.

Fine foods, gay companions.

And at the end of the voyage, a chance to share

in the untold gold of The Indies.

[INAUDIBLE MUTTERING]

Doesn't that sound lovely?

I do wish I was coming with you.

This is Pepi, the Portuguese Poisoner.

How do you do, Mr. Columbus?

Does he only poison Portuguese?

[CHUCKLING] No, he'll poison anyone.

He's a wonderful cook.

Unless he gets in one of his moods.

They're hanging him Thursday.

This is our Andalusian arsonist.

Tonto the Torch. All right.

He's really quite safe.

They're hanging him Thursday.

And this is Marco the Cereal Killer.

A cereal killer?

Beats his victims to death with a sack of rice crispies.

INMATE: Oh. [CREAKING AND SQUEAKING]

I've done me back in again.

Please.

I do wish you'd take him. COLUMBUS: All right, then.

So glad you said that.

BOTH: Because they were hanging him Thursday.

MORDECAI: Come on, lads. Put your backs into it.

Oh, hello.

Hello.

Strike their chains off and, uh,

sign them on.

Come along, boys. We'll soon make you comfy.

MORDECAI: Bring that barrel over here! Quickly now!

You mean you want to come with us?

Oh, I'd love to. You made it all sound so lovely.

Well, let's see what we can offer.

Oh, I know, welfare officer.

And what does he do?

Well, if anyone has to be flogged. He flogs them.

If anybody has to be hanged, he hangs them.

I can do that standing on my head.

[CHUCKLES] Sign here.

[CREW STRUGGLING]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR] Come in.

Ahem. Ah.

Have you ever been to sea before?

Oh, yes, sir. I'm an able seaman.

Good. 800 maravedis.

Sign here.

Oh, uh...

I can't read or write.

Oh, just make your mark. Mark.

Can you count? So can I.

How many fingers?

One.

Uh, two.

Uh, three.

Very good. Keep going.

[MUMBLING] Eight!

Eight, exactly.

And here's your 800 maravedis.

One, two,

three, eight.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you very much.

Well, hello, sailor.

I'm not a sailor,

I'm the representative of the King of Spain. I'm Don Juan.

I'm Juan, too.

Juan Diego. I'm the welfare officer.

I take it we're sharing.

I was told I was in a cabin of my own.

Yes, well, I was told that as well.

It's obviously a double cabin.

It's so much more roomy than the Captain's.

I tell you what. You have this end.

I'll have the other. And if you get lonely,

you can always come up my end.

[CREW MEMBER SHOUTING]

Loose it, would you?

Yes, with pleasure.

Thanks for the hand, sir! Look what they sent down.

A barrel of wine for the two of us.

Come on, lads.

We've got to get everything stowed by sunset.

We're sailing tomorrow.

SAILOR: All right, hold steady.

Stow away. Let it go.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR] Come in.

Hello, Captain. Remember me?

Your old neighbor. Why, yes.

I've heard about your voyages and I'd really like to join.

Right. Well, let see what vacancies we have.

I've also got my nephew with me. Oh, he's a bright lad.

He wants to come also.

Well, we need a steward. Plus, a surgeon,

a shipwright, and a sailmaker.

I'll take them. Which one?

All of them.

I'm not paying you three men's wages.

How about two? All right, two.

But I'm not paying your nephew.

That's all right. The Sultan pays him.

What? I said, um...

He'd be insulted if you paid him.

Well, where is he?

Oh, he's outside. I'll bring him in.

Tima!

Tima?

Uh, yeah. It's short for Tima-Thee.

Well, Tima-Thee.

Sign here. Thank you, Captain.

Bottoms up.

Ah.

What's in that one?

Ah.

Pickled onions.

I must say, they're spoiling us.

All these provisions,

just for the two of us.

MORDECAI: Now loose it, would you? Aye, aye, sir.

DIEGO: Take her up! CREWMAN: Heave!

[DIEGO EXCLAIMING]

Lower the ropes.

[COUGHING]

That wine is strong.

I went quite dizzy for a moment.

[SNORING]

[WHISPERING] Now we're on board, what do we do?

Now we have to sabotage the voyage.

Did you bring the poison?

Of course.

Well...

We sail on the morning tide.

Have you got the first leg of the journey mapped?

Well, God willing. It's not easy navigating in Hebrew.

If I'm not careful, we'll be sailing backwards.

Hey, you aloft, get a move on!

[CREW SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

Shove that in the Captain.

In the Captain?

No.

The capstan!

Away anchor!

Aye, aye, sir.

Away anchor.

Put your backs into it! [STRUGGLING]

In God's name,

make it go.

[CREW STRUGGLING]

On starboard!

On starboard!

[CREW CHEERING]

Well, brother, we made it.

We made it. We are away. Ha, ha!

Steady as she goes!

Steady as she goes.

Hello, Tonto.

Is it true you're known as the Andalusian arsonist?

I have been called that. Yes.

Then perhaps you should do something before this Columbus

sails us to our doom.

What?

You mean set fire?

To the ship? [LAUGHING]

Not completely, no.

Just enough to make him turn the ship back to Spain.

Go below and check we're watertight.

Right.

[SNORING]

[METAL CLINKING]

[WOOD SQUEAKING]

Juan! Juan, wake up, Juan!

Stay there, I'll get a bung.

[CORK POPPING]

Make way. Aye, sir.

Here, we just had a leak in the hold.

Oh, did you? Well, next time do it over the side.

Good morning, Captain.

I've been counting the ship's crew, there seems to be several men missing.

Missing? Yes.

Where is the officer shipwright?

He's aloft. And what's he doing?

He's shortening the spritsail yard.

The sailmaker? Oh, he's aloft as well.

Doing what?

He's sewing up the slash in the spritsail that the shipwright made

with his sword while he was shortening the spritsail yard.

And the surgeon?

Oh, he's up there as well.

And what's he doing?

He's sewing up the shipwright's shin.

You see the sailmaker shot the shipwright in the shin

when he saw what he'd done with his sword to the spritsail.

[COUGHING]

Do you know what I think, Columbus? Tell me.

I think you are full of shifty chicanery and subterfuge.

Thank you very much.

[YELPING]

[LAUGHING]

Poor thing.

Well, you are all wet.

Give me the poison.

I'll add some spice to the Captain's dinner.

Yes, but what if it goes wrong?

Leave it to me.

Hello, Pepi. Did you know this ship was alive with rats?

Great big, long, black, furry things with teeth?

Yes. Yeah, well, I'm saving those for goulash.

Well, the Captain wants to get rid of them.

He's given me this very powerful rat poison.

You, being the expert would know best how to use it.

Yeah, yeah. You're right me old shipmate.

[LAUGHING] Leave it with me, eh.

Boys, all out! We've grub! Grub up!

Grub up! ALL: Grub up!

Ah, good evening, lad.

What's for dinner?

The cook made it specially for you, sir.

It's hot pot.

[SHIP CREAKING] [WOOD SIZZLING]

What the hell is that?

I think it is a little too hot. Sir.

[YELPING]

SAILOR: Two bells! [BELL RINGING]

So what I'm accused of then?

Trying to poison the Captain.

Bad boy.

No, no.

No, I was trying to poison the rats.

Must of just forgotten to wash me hands.

Where are we according to Moishe?

Now look, uh...

"Sailing west, by southwest, the 11th of September.

"It was my son's 13th birthday. He had reached manhood.

"Suddenly a great fog descended upon us."

What is it today?

It's the 11th of September.

"The fog was so thick that no man had ever seen its like before.

"Men holding lanterns walked into each other."

[CRASHING] MAN: Watch where you are going.

"The compass began to swing backwards and forwards.

"Then suddenly went mad as if possessed by demons."

Post starboard.

No, port.

No, starboard.

[COMPASS SQUEAKING]

Chris, Chris!

The compass. It's going mad.

As if it was somehow... Possessed by demons.

How did you know?

"This part of the sea has a curse on it.

"The area is in the shape of a triangle.

"Once a ship gets into it,

"it will sail forever in a triangular course

"forever and ever,

"and disappear from the sight of man.

"Because it was my son's 13th birthday,

"I called it,

"'The Bar Mitzvah Triangle.'"

Bar Mitzvah Triangle.

"It seemed we were doomed to sail for eternity.

"Up one leg, down the other and along the...

"Hypotenuse.

"A Greek fellow on board said this proved something

"but before we could find out what,

"he was eaten by a sea serpent."

If there's one thing that scares the shit out of me, it's sea serpents.

"Suddenly, they were all around us,

"slimy, hideous creatures. Their fangs dripping with blood.

"As they caught him and crunched him up,

"the boatman let out one final blood-curdling scream."

[BLOOD-CURDLING SCREAMING]

He dropped that right on my foot.

"There was only one way out of our dreadful peril.

"A drastic course of action, but we had no alternative."

Come on, go on. Don't rush me. It's the end of one scroll...

Go on! All right. Don't you start.

For goodness sake, I'm doing my best. Go on, go on.

Does he leave any clues as to how he got out?

"As we continued through the fog,

"we saw ships abandoned by their crews.

"Ghost ships manned only by phantoms,

"demons, and hobgoblins."

Not hobgoblins! Not them and sea serpents!

Hang on. Pull yourself together.

Let's go look at the compass.

You out there, stand still.

Welfare officer. Yes, Captain.

Take that man's ball off.

Which one?

Captain, Captain!

I see a ship on port bow. A big, big ship.

How far away?

About that far!

[LOUD CRASHING]

Lower fenders, lower fenders.

All starboard! Lower the fenders!

Lower the fenders!

Get away, men! Ahoy there!

We are the Santa Maria.

Who are you?

VOICE: [ECHOING] Who are you?

I told you, we are the Santa Maria.

[ECHOING] Santa Maria. There's no one aboard her.

[ECHOING] No one aboard her. She's a ghost ship.

[ECHOING] Ghost ship.

I'm going aboard her. Who's coming with me.

Two volunteers. You and you. One pace forward.

Come on, lads. Where's your spirit of adventure?

Would you have me go on my own?

ALL: Yes!

I...

Pepi the Poisoner will very much like to come, sir.

Unchain him. Here, guv, I'll come too.

Not a living soul aboard.

With a table set for a meal.

My God, it's hot.

And it's delicious.

Etiquette, men! Etiquette, men!

Form a queue.

Captain, where are you?

It's me. The lovely Diego.

Don't hide from me, Captain.

Everything's gone!

Quick! March!

I hope we haven't forgotten anything.

Oh, I don't think so, mama.

[WHISPERING] Esmeralda.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Why are you pushing her into this marriage?

Because I'm thinking of her future.

What future?

What future does she have with a man old enough to be my father?

[KNOCK ON THE DOOR]

Come.

Would you care to join us on board for dinner, ma'am?

We're having chicken in white wine.

More chicken, Captain? Just a touch.

I must save room for the pudding, ha!

It's peaches in brandy.

More wine, anyone?

[BURPS]

Bless you.

Pirates.Where?

No.

That's what happened, Tonto.

The ship was attacked by pirates.

And the crew was all massacred.

And the bodies flung overboard.

And then they left her

adrift and unmanned

in the middle of the ocean.

She's a dangerous ship, Captain.

She should be sunk.

Set fire to.

Yes, yes, all right.

Pass the pudding.

[LAUGHS]

Coo-wee!

Not too late, am I?

Just look at this big spread.

Could do with something hot inside me.

How about this.

Mmm!

Full as an egg.

[DRUNKEN SHOUTING]

This fog is abominable.

I can't even see the ship!

Straight ahead, just coming to the gangway.

Hmm.

My word, I did enjoy that!

Oh, Captain, before we go maybe we should

look around the ship, sir, see if there's anything worth saving.

Yeah, yeah, we should, shouldn't we?

[GASPS]

COLUMBUS: Gold! Silver!

Looks fantastic, Captain!

It would be a shame to leave these, wouldn't it?

Oh, now that's lovely.

Feel the quality of that.

I do like these.

[SPANISH INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

Ole!

[CHEERING]

Ole!

[VOCALIZING]

Ole!

Watch your step, ma'am.

All right? All right, mate.

[YELLING] Pirates!

[IN DISTANCE] Pirates!

Pirates.

Good God. Governor, take care of the ladies.

Pirates!

You men, follow me.

ALL: Yes, sir!

Ole!

Plundering swine! You'll hang for this.

Now wait a minute, there's been some mistake.

I think not.

Before you go to your fate, you miserable pigs,

may I possibly have the pleasure?

Fire! Fire!

Fire?

Tonto's at it again!

MAN 1: Fire! MAN 2: Fire!

Well, Columbus.

This is the end of your voyage.

You have managed to destroy one of His Majesty's frigates...

And my Lord and I must return to Spain for the wedding!

Yes. And so, sir,

as Governor of the Canaries, I command you to abandon this trip to The Indies.

And take them there.

I'm sorry, sir, but I refuse.

Oh, you refuse, do you?

Well, as you were caught with stolen property on you,

perhaps you prefer to hang?

For piracy?

[ESMERALDA CHUCKLING]

Take it into the Captain's cabin.

Ho, ho! So you're going to sleep in there, are you?

Yes.

So you can take his stuff out.

SAILOR: Drive her into the wind!

We're ship's officers, you know!

Yeah, we shouldn't have to sleep in the hold.

Well, if it's a case of you or me,

it's you.

Captain Columbus,

you are instructed to take me to Spain, are you not?

I am indeed, ma'am.

And Spain lies to the northeast of the Canary islands, does it not?

Indeed it does, ma'am.

Then why, Captain, are we sailing southwest?

Are we?

Are we? Are we? You know damned well we are, I'm not an idiot.

I can tell by the sun, we're not heading for Spain at all.

At the moment, ma'am, we are tacking from side to side.

A maritime maneuver of which is obvious you know nothing.

I am in command of this ship

so I suggest you leave the navigation to me.

Hmm.

[MOCKING] Hmm.

He's not taking her back to Spain at all, he's set course for The Indies!

Then we must get hold of that scroll, and destroy it.

[BELLY DANCING MUSIC]

Who are you?

You are asleep,

and I am an erotic dream.

Sleep.

Sleep.

Don't try to wake up.

No, who are you?

Oh, sir, I'm only a poor girl.

Please, Captain, you wouldn't take advantage of a poor girl, would you?

[GIGGLES]

[SNORES]

MARIA: [WHISPERING] Bart.

Bart.

Bart.

[WHISPERING] Maria?

What are you doing?

The same as you!

You naughty girl, don't you dare!

You go back to bed this minute.

Are you in love with him?

I think so.

Well, do be careful.

[BOTH GIGGLE]

SAILOR: Three bells!

[BELL RINGS]

Hello, Marco.

Oh.

What are you looking at?

Sharks.

Man-eating sharks. The sea's full of them.

Hey. You mind you don't fall in.

My goodness.

You don't think they'd eat me whole?

No. I'm told they spit that out.

Oh, isn't the moon lovely?

Not as lovely as you.

Oh, no, you mustn't kiss me.

I am betrothed.

Oh.

Yes, of course you are.

My fiance, the Duke

might find out.

Of course.

He might.

Of course, he might not.

Well?

Did you get it?

Oh, I most certainly did.

Where is it?

What? The scroll!

Oh, that.

I'll get it tomorrow.

Fatima! We are failing in our mission!

You must think of the Sultan!

I did.

And there was no comparison.

Oh, good morning, steward.

Morning, Captain.

You're not going to be long, are you?

No, sir.

You seem to have had a restless night.

Oh, yes, well,

it's this hot weather, the strain of command.

I don't know how much longer I can keep it up.

Oh, you must try, sir,

you really must.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Lunch, milady.

I do hope you're feeling hungry.

[GROANS] Well, I was.

Oh, yes, the chef sends you his best wishes.

What for? A speedy recovery?

What is this cack?

Don't blame me, Tonto, the ship's stores have run out,

just hold your nose when you eat it like everybody else. Next!

You have a sickness of the motions.

What motions?

The motions of the ship.

The mal de mer, the sickness of the sea.

No, Doctor, it's the appalling food!

I'd feel sick eating that even if I was stationary! [SNIFFS]

I'll be much better when I get back to Spain.

Yes, but we're not going back to Spain.

What? Hmm.

It is as I thought.

Do the crew know this?

Yes, and they're furious.

A month at sea and not a sight of land!

Doctor, we must return to Spain. We must.

Listen to me.

If you can persuade the men

to make Columbus go back to Spain,

my husband will pay every man Jack of you a year's salary.

You realize, of course, that this is mutiny?

I didn't hear that.

Kindly pass on my offer.

This ship's biscuit is full of little crawling weevils!

Is it lawful to eat living weevils?

What an interesting idea!

You know, it's never come up before.

[YELLING] Well, it's coming up now!

[RETCHING]

This food isn't fit for pigs!

Yes, it is.

Gather all the men together. I've got a very interesting proposition.

Are you all right, lad?

Oh, Captain.

I love you.

Yes.

Well I'm very pleased to hear of your loyalty, but...

But I love you, I love you!

I love you, I love you, I love you!

Don't overdo it, lad!

I want no more than your loyalty!

This beard

and mustache,

is false!

Yes, I always thought it was.

Still, if you can't grow one and you want to look older, what's the harm in that?

Look at me, look at me!

Yes, well, without that beard,

you're quite good-looking. Thank you.

Now put it back on again and go and fetch me pudding!

I am the one who came in the night.

My erotic dream!

Yes.

I only pretend to be a man

I really am a woman.

Oh, I am very glad to hear that.

Most relieved.

Then, perhaps,

you could fetch me pudding.

How would you feel about

a Turkish spy?

Is that the one they make with figs inside?

No, no, Captain.

I'm an agent of the Sultan sent to spy on you.

Can you ever forgive me, oh Captain?

My darling, can you?

Oh, oh, well then I'm sure I could, yes!

[LAUGHS] Given time.

But, Captain, time is running out.

The crew are about to mutiny.

Oh, nonsense, nonsense. I'll soon talk them out of it.

Now, men, lads, friends,

for we are all friends, are we not?

Comrades bound together by the dangers and hardships we have endured.

I have great tidings for you.

Today, tomorrow at the latest,

we shall reach land!

You said that yesterday, Captain.

And the day before.

He's been saying it for a fortnight.

Let us turn back!

I will not turn back!

It's your last chance, Captain,

will you turn back?

No!

Right!

You've got two minutes to make your peace with God.

Very well.

I ask God to forgive my sins, which are many.

ALL: Amen.

I have lived a wicked and awfully good life.

ALL: Amen.

As a youth,

I was a pirate.

Hey...

A pirate?

Oh, yes.

Yes, I plundered and rooted.

But most of all,

I hoarded.

I ask God's mercy

for the hundreds of millions of maravedis I have

hoarded and hidden away

instead of sharing them among my fellow men.

Now, as I depart this life,

to show that I bear no man any malice,

I do hereby give and bequeath this fortune

to be shared equally among my fellow shipmates.

TONTO: Oh, that's great.

So. Haul away!

Hang on!

Where is it?

You're holding it.

Not the rope, the fortune!

Oh, the fortune! Yes, that is buried

under an olive tree in Andalucia.

Haul away!

I'll tell you when to haul!

So, Captain,

which olive tree?

Oh, you'll find it, just keep digging, digging.

I'm sorry, I can't talk more.

Goodbye, my dear shipmates.

Oh, Captain, do as they say! Turn back!

I really think you ought to, Captain, for your own sake.

Couldn't we give you one last chance?

ALL: Yeah!

I am determined to go onwards, or upwards. Haul away, men!

Land! Land on the starboard bow!

[ALL CHEERING]

[GAGGING]

Cut him down!

Oh, darling, are you all right?

Yes. Un-noose me, lad.

And not so much emotion.

Not in front of the crew.

Captain.

Can you ever forgive me?

Yes, of course I can.

[YELLS]

Think of the ship, Captain!

Well, yes, of course.

Lower the anchor! Lower the anchor!

Lower the boat! Lower the boat!

[PANTING]

Can you give me one good reason why I don't have you hanged?

Yes.

I used to be a pirate,

I've got all this gold buried,

and I want to share it with you.

[LAUGHS]

I'll deal with you later.

Muster the landing party!

Muster the landing party!

Stem the sails!

[DRUMS BEATING RHYTHMICALLY]

[IN AMERICAN ACCENT] So, Pontiac,

what do you think of that?

What the hell is that?

I've never seen nothing like that before, have you?

Nothing.

You know what it looks like?

It looks like a giant canoe,

with washing hanging all over the sides of it.

Yeah. And, no paddles.

Hey, you think it's some kind of floating laundry service or something?

Could be. Hey, maybe they're Chinese!

Look, they're lowering a little canoe from the big canoe.

You know what that means? That means that they're coming to shore.

Whoa. This could be good!

Your wife's got any washing she needs doing?

That's a very good idea.

Here's what we do. We go back, we ask the wives.

Huh? Beautiful. Okay.

PONTIAC: I hope they don't use starch.

Forward!

I declare this land, wherever it is,

under the protection of their Majesties!

King Ferdinand,

and Queen Isabella

of Aragon,

and Castile!

[SAILORS CHEERING]

Mr. Mendoza,

would you care to convey our best wishes and tell them what we've come for?

What, you mean speak to them?

Well you told me you spoke Chinese.

[CLEARS THROAT] Yes.

How.

[SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE]

What did they say?

He said he's not Chinese.

So we're not in China?

I'd say we were in India.

Do you speak Indian?

Well, not fluently.

So it's sign language, eh.

In that I'm fluent.

Don't forget what we came for, the treasure of the Indies. Gold.

[LAUGHING] Gold!

So he's found The Indies.

DON FELIPE: Well, he's certainly found somewhere.

Yes.

All said, the King and Queen will be all over him when we get back to Spain.

Yes, but he is ashore with unreliable and potentially treacherous savages

who it is rumored

do some very strange things with chicken feathers if you follow me.

Yes, I do.

And should any misfortune befall Columbus,

you, as the King's officer,

will of course be in charge.

Do you follow me?

Absolutely.

Hi, Chief.

Hey, Hubba, what do you say? All right.

We think they're some kind of traveling laundry.

CHIEF: Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

We

bring

gifts.

Oh, no, not another mime troupe.

He can't even spell.

But it's a nice suit.

Him

gift.

Him. Gift.

Him, gift?

Him garbage. [LAUGHTER]

What do you make of it?

Some kind of vegetable.

Looks like old dried cabbage.

[MOANS IN DISGUST]

What's it taste like?

Horse shit.

Is it cooked?

If it is, they should shoot the cook.

Well, I'll be damned, look at that!

They cook it while you're eating it!

So try it cooked.

[MUTTERS OF APPROVAL]

What's it taste like now?

Still tastes like horse shit.

[MAKING BIRD NOISES]

Pow-wow.

Pow-wow?

So... Who are these guys?

I don't know who they are, but you better tell 'em

that we don't want no goddamn immigrants.

Please! We've got to be hospitable.

Excuse me, may I? May I? Thank you.

I say we make them welcome...

Yeah? I say that we kill 'em now.

While we still got 'em outnumbered... We can't do that.

We're civilized. Oh, sure, sure, we're civilized.

But these sons a bitches could be cannibals!

Pardon me... Excuse me... Uh, do you have the big hat with the nice jewels?

No, you don't, see? You have no feathers. I see plenty a feathers here.

Do you know why? That's because I am the...

Chief. You're the chief. Bingo!

That's why I say we make friends with them, I say we show them our ways of peace...

Course, that's just what I say... All right, all right...

Okay? You're the chief. Whatever you say, have it your way.

But you'll be sorry.

[RINGING] Bell.

[RINGING] Hmm. Bell.

[RINGING] Two bells.

[LOUDER RINGING] Two bells! ALL: Ooh. Ahh.

[RINGING] Three bells.

Three bells! [EVEN LOUDER RINGING]

Gold. Gold.

Gold. Gold.

We trade. We trade.

Me take gold. You take gold.

You take bells. Balls.

No, not bald. Bells, bells, bells.

Balls. Balls. Balls!

Oh, look at this! Rather nice.

Would look nice in my cabin. Set my porthole of a treat.

Oh, watch out. Hello!

How. Hello.

Me Ha Ha. Him Poca Hontas. Well, I never.

What's a Hontas?

Him, Tomato. Tomato! Ha-ha!

Eat. Eat! Oh, eating tomato! Mmm.

What's it like? Mmm. Lovely! Taste it.

Mmm. Mmm! Tomato.

Him good.

Tomato. Him go... [PANTING]

[SNORTING]

Oh, you don't think it means it gets you going, do you? Certainly not.

Probably means... Very easy to grow.

So! How's it goin'?

Eh... They're so... Primitive!

We want. We take. You, give!

[STAMMERING] What do these guys want? Food? Women? Sheep?

Sheep! Ho, ho, ho! All right, then.

Steady... Steady... Sorry.

They want gold. Gold?

When they can have sheep? Ha! Must be crazy.

[LAUGHING] You weren't married to my sister.

Gold! They want gold! It's all they talk about. Wait, now, hold on a minute...

All right, now, look. We don't have very much gold.

And, if we don't get rid a these guys, were not gonna have any.

Tell me something I don't know. What can you say?

They're simple, primitive people. Stupid, too.

[LAUGHING] Oh, stupid as hell. I can't tell you.

[MIMICKING ACCENT] "Hello." [LAUGHING] Not bright.

Now, Diego, these are a very peaceful people.

Make sure the crew keep their hands off the women.

[LAUGHING AND GIGGLING]

You were saying, Captain?

Now, Diego, these are a very peaceful people.

I still say we get rid a these guys.

Oh, and you're gonna love this, they wanna see the gold mine.

Wait a minute, the gold mine, the one that our ancestors mined for the gold?

The one it's death to enter? That's the one.

Good. Then, we'll take 'em there.

Right, lads. This is what we came for. Gold.

[ALL AGREEING] The gold mines of The Indies.

[SHAMAN CHANTING]

Who is this? Shaman. Medicine man. He make...

Big spells. Ho, ho. Oh, nonsense.

Also, first-class rainmaker. [ALL LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING] Pull the other one. [THUNDER CRASHES]

All right, all right! You've made your point.

[WHISTLING]

We're ready to go, Chief.

Shaman say, "safe to go." All the best.

[SHAMAN CHANTING]

Right men. Onward!

[SHAMAN GRUNTING]

All right. This is it, fellas. Medicine man says this is where we're eatin'.

Okay, lunch.

Shouldn't we have brought some food with us?

Oh, no, no, no. The Indians have brought plenty, and it's a lot fresher than ours.

Good. I just wondered.

What are those objects they're eating?

Ah, that's corn on the cob. It's delicious. COLUMBUS: Fine.

Well, what about us? Yeah. You show us what you eat.

Well, we didn't bring any food with us.

Oh. Is this a day of fasting and prayer for you? No.

Then why didn't you bring anything to eat?

Well, we thought we'd share with you.

Oh, I get it. You wanna trade.

Very good. Uh, what do you trade for the food?

Three days now, and still no news from the shore.

What on Earth can they be doing?

I don't know, but it's worrying. Hmm.

I think perhaps we'd better go ashore and investigate.

I will take you ladies under my protection.

Oh, thank you. Chiquita?

Yes, milady?

Could you ask you're, uh, friend, to row us ashore?

He will if he can find some oars.

What he does when he gets there is his own concern.

[SNORING]

No, Daddy, not again!

Who are you? Me Chief.

You want trade?

Trade?

How much gold you want for her?

You heathen! Is that good?

That is my daughter. Gold will not buy her virtue.

But, that of course does not apply to all of us. Chiquita!

Well, I just thought I'd mark his card.

[SHAMAN CHANTING]

Hey, Colombo, over here.

Medicine man say, this is where we're gonna eat. Come on!

Now, look, we have nothing left to trade. Well, what about that?

Tell you what. You give me that, we'll give you enough food to get back to camp.

From then on, you're on your own. No, no, wait, wait... Why?

For us to go into the mines is strictly forbidden.

We go into the mine, it means a horrible death! You know why?

Unga Poka kills us. Well, we're not frightened of him, are we, lads?

You speak for yourself! That's very good that you're not frightened of him.

Then, you go into the mine, okay? And medicine man, he'll go with you.

So, he's not frightened of Unga Poka?

No, no, no. He has magic, all right? Very powerful magic.

He can never die. He's immortal. Now, are we gonna trade, or what?

We may need these to defend ourselves.

You still don't get it, do you? That is no good against Unga Poka.

The medicine man is your only defense.

All right, lads. Do as he asks.

Go get the stuff. It'll be my pleasure.

DIEGO: Here, what about the steward?

Well, the steward hasn't got a weapon, have you? Nope.

No, but he could give them his suit.

Uh, yes, well, he's my nephew, and, uh, I'm very worried about him catching cold.

What's the matter, is he sick? ACHMED: Yes.

[SPEAKING IN LOCAL LANGUAGE]

[SHAMAN CHANTING]

He's put a spell upon me. Hasn't his voice gone high?

[BURLESQUE MUSIC PLAYING]

COLUMBUS: What's he done to you?

I don't know. I feel quite peculiar.

Oh, my God. What has he done to him?

[HUBBA EXCLAIMS]

He turned a man into a woman. This must be a new spell.

He's never done this before! Well, I hope he doesn't make a habit of it.

This is the curse of Unga Poka! [NATIVES YELLING]

Get out of here!

Dead? Oh, sure. From Mines of Doom.

Nobody returns. Well, then, uh, Don Felipe,

as the wife of the King's cousin, I order you to take command.

Oh, thank you. CHIEF: What...

That mean? That mean we're leaving as soon as possible.

Oh, you no want gold?

[STAMMERING] Well, we wouldn't mind a bit.

Oh, go ahead. Use the hut.

But, if you want gold...

[TAPPING]

[INARTICULATE GRUNTING NOISES]

We trade.

Ha!

[SHAMAN GRUNTING]

Right, lads. Now, stick together and follow me.

[SCREECHING]

[SCREECHING CONTINUES]

Would that be Unga Poka?

Or one of his victims! I don't know, but I don't like the sound of it.

[SCREECHING]

He doesn't sound too keen on it, either.

Ohh! Ohh!

Uh!

Ahhh!

Stand back.

Did you hear that? He must've dropped for a mile!

COLUMBUS: Listen. What?

[YELLING GETTING CLOSER]

He's coming back up!

[SHAMAN GRUNTING]

I suggest we turn back. No, lads, no, we've come too far for that.

Press on!

[CHUCKLING]

[VOCALIZING HAPPILY]

[ROARING]

[GASPING]

I don't think my heart can stand much more of this.

[FARTING] Oh... Oh!

I'm being interfered with.

What's the matter? Come here, come here. Stand still. It's only a spider!

[ALL YELLING]

Press on!

[WHOOSHING]

I am not going any further. Huh. Neither am I.

[ROCKS FALLING]

Well, that's it! We've got to go forward. There's no turning back.

[COUGHING AND CHOKING]

[DISTANT RUMBLING]

[MEN YELLING]

[GRUNTING]

[RUMBLING]

Wait. What now?

The Earth.

It's moving beneath us

[ALL YELLING]

The ship is provisioned and ready to sail.

Oh, one more day, please... Just in case they're alive.

They are dead.

D-E-A-D.

Dead.

[MOANING]

Heidy-ho.

What happened?

Mr. Columbus says that he's ready to go home.

Wait, Chief, wait!

First, pow-wow. Pow-wow. ALL: Oh!

No, no, thank you. I'm not hungry.

So, you no want to leave us?

Not without some gold.

All right. You got it. You wanna trade? What do you got to trade?

Oh, and no more little bells this time, what do you think? I never been around the block?

Oh, and we want wine, like your annoying lady friend gave us, all right?

We want guns, we want gunpowder.

No, no, no, but, you don't want guns! You are a peaceful people!

Right. And then, we met you.

Became civilized.

So, you want gold? Yes.

Big chunks a gold?

Yes. We want wine, and guns, and gunpowder.

All right, it's a deal. [SPITS]

[SPITS]

Have a nice day!

Oh, Hubba? Chief?

Bring the gold for trading.

You know, the, uh, the special gold, the one we use for trading with special people.

Sure, Chief.

No, no, I'm still not hungry.

Goodbye, Achmed. I'm no longer a spy for the Sultan.

What about me? What am I gonna do?

You could always go back to Turkey. Continue working for him.

No, he'll be angry at our failure. I'm gonna lose me pay, me bonuses.

He might cut off me emoluments.

[CHUCKLING] Well, if he does, you could always get a job as a eunuch.

Goodbye.

[HAWAIIAN MUSIC PLAYING]

Get your backs into it!

MORDECAI: Easy on that rope!

CREWMAN: All away! Anchor away!

[YELLING] Make sail!

[MOCKING] So, you're the governor?

I have had the experience.

Yeah, well, you know you're knuckle-headed friends made a lot of changes around here.

Yeah. For the worse. No, improvements.

[GUN FIRING] [BIRD CAWING]

Yeah, there's an improvement, more shootings, huh?

But, remember, everyone has a right to carry a gun. If he can afford one.

[GUN FIRING]

Yes, well, we better get back to the governor's hut before dark.

It's not really safe around here anymore, is it?

[GUN FIRING]

[LAUGHING] Yeah, there is a God.

Look at it!

And 10% of it's mine! BOTH: Ours.

Ours, ours, of course, yes, we'll discuss that later.

Wait a minute. There's something wrong. What?

Doesn't feel heavy enough. Give me a knife.

Hmm.

[COLUMBUS SCREAMING]

What's that? Sounds like the Captain!

Please, God, he's having a seizure!

Come on, take something. It'll make you feel better.

Better? How can I feel better? When we get back to Spain, they'll hang us.

Well, they fooled us, maybe it'll fool them!

You think so?

May it please Your Majesties to accept the first consignment of gold

from The Indies.

Behold. The gold.

Christopher Columbus! What can I say?

Is that all there is? This is a mere sample, sire.

I'll bring you more on our next voyage.

[DOOR OPENING] Silence, in the name of Torquemada.

Was this gold taken from the natives of The Indies?

Yes, Father.

And were these Indians baptized? Oh, no, no.

No. No, they are heathens. Then, under Your Majesty's laws...

This gold, property of heathen heretics, is confiscated by the Inquisition.

Remove it from the court, for it is accursed,

and accursed will be all those who touch it.

Now, look what's happened. And it's all your fault.

My fault? It's his fault! My fault?

Yes. Why didn't you have those Indians baptized?

Because, sire, you didn't send me a priest.

All you sent was a bookkeeper.

[GASPING] Did you get rid of it?

It sank like a sack of stones. There's one thing worries me,

supposing somebody asks the Inquisition what happened to it?

Bart, nobody questions the Inquisition, they're the ones who ask the questions.

Bart...

As the ship's captain, I now pronounce you man and wife.

I do love a nice wedding.

[ALL CLAPPING]

Hmm! Hmm!

[GRUNTS PLAYFULLY]

Carry on, Columbus...

[HORSE NEIGHING]

[GRUNTING] [GIGGLING]