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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:13,040 --> 00:00:14,860 My name's Matt. 2 00:00:16,520 --> 00:00:22,060 This is my first session or meeting or whatever we call these things. 3 00:00:25,340 --> 00:00:28,600 I've not really given much thought about what I'm going to say. 4 00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:33,100 I don't know why I'm here. 5 00:00:34,420 --> 00:00:35,420 To think. 6 00:00:37,020 --> 00:00:38,760 Talk through how I'm feeling, maybe. 7 00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:41,980 Share my experience. 8 00:00:46,890 --> 00:00:48,210 I'm 24 years old. 9 00:00:48,910 --> 00:00:49,910 I'm a mechanic. 10 00:00:50,710 --> 00:00:53,050 I live with my mum and dad just outside Glasgow. 11 00:00:54,970 --> 00:00:58,390 I've got a little brother and a dog. 12 00:01:05,129 --> 00:01:08,590 Life seemed pretty basic. 13 00:01:10,390 --> 00:01:11,390 No dramas. 14 00:01:14,510 --> 00:01:16,490 until a couple of weeks ago when I was 15 00:01:16,490 --> 00:01:22,010 when 16 00:01:22,010 --> 00:01:28,030 I was raped 17 00:01:28,030 --> 00:01:34,930 I've thought long 18 00:01:34,930 --> 00:01:40,450 and hard about what happened to me and why it happened 19 00:01:40,450 --> 00:01:43,630 and part of me is still in denial 20 00:01:46,330 --> 00:01:47,330 Ashamed. 21 00:01:48,950 --> 00:01:51,770 Maybe at fault. 22 00:01:55,090 --> 00:01:57,030 My friends and my family don't know. 23 00:01:58,670 --> 00:02:04,450 I tried to hide it from them, but things with my girlfriend kind of went sour. 24 00:02:07,530 --> 00:02:09,210 I just hit rock bottom. 25 00:02:12,050 --> 00:02:14,390 I felt I wasn't good enough for her anymore. 26 00:02:18,190 --> 00:02:19,290 I felt I'd let her down. 27 00:02:24,110 --> 00:02:26,850 So it was my best pal's 21st. 28 00:02:28,350 --> 00:02:30,570 We'd been out to the football and then we hit the town. 29 00:02:32,530 --> 00:02:34,090 I had a few too many. 30 00:02:36,970 --> 00:02:38,210 Too many pubs. 31 00:02:41,010 --> 00:02:42,250 I lost my pals. 32 00:02:44,210 --> 00:02:45,990 The battery in my phone had died. 33 00:02:46,690 --> 00:02:47,770 So I just... 34 00:02:48,970 --> 00:02:55,490 walked home and I tried to flag down a taxi but I 35 00:02:55,490 --> 00:03:00,570 mean they must have taken one look at the state of me and thought twice I 36 00:03:00,570 --> 00:03:07,430 cut through the park it started 37 00:03:07,430 --> 00:03:13,410 raining pretty heavily my feet were just covered in mud 38 00:03:13,410 --> 00:03:17,490 so I go back to the road 39 00:03:19,370 --> 00:03:22,870 I stand under a bus shelter to dry off a bit. 40 00:03:26,270 --> 00:03:27,930 And that's when a car pulled over. 41 00:03:30,410 --> 00:03:34,830 I remember these lights, these blinding white lights. 42 00:03:38,870 --> 00:03:42,330 So I got in the back, thinking it was a taxi. 43 00:03:43,910 --> 00:03:45,890 It smelled like a taxi. 44 00:03:51,530 --> 00:03:53,290 I don't even remember telling them my address. 45 00:03:58,630 --> 00:04:02,910 The music was... something sleepy. 46 00:04:04,950 --> 00:04:08,390 And I could tell from the back of the guy's head he was about 40. 47 00:04:09,570 --> 00:04:15,210 But that's with the beer goggles on, so I couldn't say... precisely. 48 00:04:19,589 --> 00:04:20,829 Then I threw up. 49 00:04:22,860 --> 00:04:23,920 All over my jeans. 50 00:04:24,860 --> 00:04:26,700 And all over the side of the door. 51 00:04:30,040 --> 00:04:31,160 Before I knew it. 52 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:34,980 The car was pulled over. 53 00:04:37,300 --> 00:04:38,660 My belt was unbuckled. 54 00:04:41,560 --> 00:04:42,560 Jeans in my knees. 55 00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:47,160 And I didn't even try and stop him. 56 00:04:47,460 --> 00:04:51,480 I didn't even question it. I was just paralysed with his... 57 00:04:51,770 --> 00:04:55,370 the drink but the shock 58 00:04:55,370 --> 00:05:01,610 after he went down there 59 00:05:01,610 --> 00:05:08,530 I remember my face being pushed down my 60 00:05:08,530 --> 00:05:09,950 face was right in at the carpet 61 00:05:23,660 --> 00:05:29,360 I couldn't see anything at that point but the pain was... 62 00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:35,160 I was left out the side of the road 63 00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:41,880 and after a couple of minutes I managed to get back to my feet and I 64 00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:46,800 figured out my bearings I just walked straight home, straight in, straight to 65 00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:49,260 bed just shut my eyes like... 66 00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:58,480 just like it had all been a bad dream and the morning 67 00:05:58,480 --> 00:06:03,620 came as quick as the night had went I laid in the bath 68 00:06:03,620 --> 00:06:08,540 and I could hear my little brother kicking his football off the garage door 69 00:06:08,540 --> 00:06:10,880 and just every rattle became unbearable 70 00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:16,280 so I dried it off 71 00:06:16,280 --> 00:06:19,940 and I put on the mask like 72 00:06:22,030 --> 00:06:23,130 Like nothing had happened. 73 00:06:24,490 --> 00:06:26,070 It was my little secret. 74 00:06:28,450 --> 00:06:30,590 I didn't tell her, so I didn't want to acknowledge it. 75 00:06:32,130 --> 00:06:35,850 I kept beating myself up over why I didn't try and stop him. 76 00:06:37,890 --> 00:06:39,170 I mean, did I say something? 77 00:06:40,710 --> 00:06:41,770 To provoke him? 78 00:06:43,570 --> 00:06:44,910 Was I asking for it? 79 00:06:47,670 --> 00:06:50,410 It's just a million thoughts just running right through my head. 80 00:06:51,660 --> 00:06:52,660 I'm not gay. 81 00:06:53,580 --> 00:06:54,580 Or am I? 82 00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:56,600 I mean, did I enjoy it? 83 00:06:58,400 --> 00:06:59,980 Was there a part of me that liked it? 84 00:07:02,380 --> 00:07:05,880 I couldn't reason with myself. 85 00:07:09,280 --> 00:07:15,420 So after a couple of days, my girlfriend, she sensed that something 86 00:07:15,420 --> 00:07:16,420 was off. 87 00:07:18,780 --> 00:07:20,200 I didn't want to have sex. 88 00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:24,020 I couldn't look her in the eye anymore. 89 00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:29,900 So one night, I text her. 90 00:07:31,620 --> 00:07:32,880 Told her it was over. 91 00:07:35,460 --> 00:07:37,920 And then I just... I just withdrew. 92 00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:42,040 Stopped going to work. 93 00:07:44,260 --> 00:07:45,260 Ignored my pals. 94 00:07:46,660 --> 00:07:50,740 I just locked myself away and... and shit. 95 00:07:54,760 --> 00:07:59,620 and most nights I'd replay in my head what had happened just over and over and 96 00:07:59,620 --> 00:08:02,580 over and I became obsessed 97 00:08:02,580 --> 00:08:09,380 I was questioning my sexuality a lot 98 00:08:09,380 --> 00:08:16,180 I'm here 99 00:08:16,180 --> 00:08:22,040 today because well because I don't want to just keep this in my head anymore 100 00:08:24,810 --> 00:08:29,890 I thought that by saying things out loud it would make it easier 101 00:08:29,890 --> 00:08:35,590 and I feel it you know the 102 00:08:35,590 --> 00:08:37,870 relief 103 00:08:37,870 --> 00:08:44,390 hearing some of you talk today it's 104 00:08:44,390 --> 00:08:51,330 it's given me a whole new perspective a whole new 105 00:08:51,330 --> 00:08:52,330 mindset 106 00:08:54,250 --> 00:08:57,330 What happened to me doesn't define who I am. 107 00:08:57,890 --> 00:09:01,410 Doesn't make me any less of a man or a friend or a brother or a son. 108 00:09:05,370 --> 00:09:10,730 I was... I was raped. 109 00:09:14,090 --> 00:09:21,030 I was... I was just saying I'd... I'd live my 110 00:09:21,030 --> 00:09:22,030 life by it. 111 00:09:23,850 --> 00:09:25,570 Everything happens for a reason. 112 00:09:30,690 --> 00:09:32,070 I'm not so sure anymore. 7769

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