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My name's Matt.
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This is my first session or meeting or
whatever we call these things.
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I've not really given much thought about
what I'm going to say.
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I don't know why I'm here.
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To think.
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Talk through how I'm feeling, maybe.
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Share my experience.
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I'm 24 years old.
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I'm a mechanic.
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I live with my mum and dad just outside
Glasgow.
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I've got a little brother and a dog.
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Life seemed pretty basic.
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No dramas.
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until a couple of weeks ago when I was
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when
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I was raped
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I've thought long
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and hard about what happened to me and
why it happened
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and part of me is still in denial
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Ashamed.
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Maybe at fault.
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My friends and my family don't know.
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I tried to hide it from them, but things
with my girlfriend kind of went sour.
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I just hit rock bottom.
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I felt I wasn't good enough for her
anymore.
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I felt I'd let her down.
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So it was my best pal's 21st.
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We'd been out to the football and then
we hit the town.
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I had a few too many.
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Too many pubs.
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I lost my pals.
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The battery in my phone had died.
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So I just...
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walked home and I tried to flag down a
taxi but I
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mean they must have taken one look at
the state of me and thought twice I
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cut through the park it started
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raining pretty heavily my feet were just
covered in mud
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so I go back to the road
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I stand under a bus shelter to dry off a
bit.
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And that's when a car pulled over.
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I remember these lights, these blinding
white lights.
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So I got in the back, thinking it was a
taxi.
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It smelled like a taxi.
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I don't even remember telling them my
address.
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The music was... something sleepy.
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And I could tell from the back of the
guy's head he was about 40.
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But that's with the beer goggles on, so
I couldn't say... precisely.
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Then I threw up.
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All over my jeans.
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And all over the side of the door.
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Before I knew it.
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The car was pulled over.
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My belt was unbuckled.
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Jeans in my knees.
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And I didn't even try and stop him.
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I didn't even question it. I was just
paralysed with his...
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the drink but the shock
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after he went down there
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I remember my face being pushed down my
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face was right in at the carpet
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I couldn't see anything at that point
but the pain was...
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I was left out the side of the road
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and after a couple of minutes I managed
to get back to my feet and I
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figured out my bearings I just walked
straight home, straight in, straight to
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bed just shut my eyes like...
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just like it had all been a bad dream
and the morning
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came as quick as the night had went I
laid in the bath
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and I could hear my little brother
kicking his football off the garage door
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and just every rattle became unbearable
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so I dried it off
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and I put on the mask like
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Like nothing had happened.
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It was my little secret.
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I didn't tell her, so I didn't want to
acknowledge it.
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I kept beating myself up over why I
didn't try and stop him.
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I mean, did I say something?
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To provoke him?
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Was I asking for it?
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It's just a million thoughts just
running right through my head.
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I'm not gay.
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Or am I?
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I mean, did I enjoy it?
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Was there a part of me that liked it?
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I couldn't reason with myself.
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So after a couple of days, my
girlfriend, she sensed that something
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was off.
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I didn't want to have sex.
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I couldn't look her in the eye anymore.
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So one night, I text her.
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Told her it was over.
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And then I just... I just withdrew.
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Stopped going to work.
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Ignored my pals.
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I just locked myself away and... and
shit.
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and most nights I'd replay in my head
what had happened just over and over and
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over and I became obsessed
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I was questioning my sexuality a lot
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I'm here
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today because well because I don't want
to just keep this in my head anymore
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I thought that by saying things out loud
it would make it easier
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and I feel it you know the
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relief
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hearing some of you talk today it's
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it's given me a whole new perspective a
whole new
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mindset
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What happened to me doesn't define who I
am.
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Doesn't make me any less of a man or a
friend or a brother or a son.
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I was... I was raped.
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I was... I was just saying I'd... I'd
live my
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life by it.
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Everything happens for a reason.
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I'm not so sure anymore.
7769
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