Original subtitles

My name's Matt.

This is my first session or meeting or whatever we call these things.

I've not really given much thought about what I'm going to say.

I don't know why I'm here.

To think.

Talk through how I'm feeling, maybe.

Share my experience.

I'm 24 years old.

I'm a mechanic.

I live with my mum and dad just outside Glasgow.

I've got a little brother and a dog.

Life seemed pretty basic.

No dramas.

until a couple of weeks ago when I was

when

I was raped

I've thought long

and hard about what happened to me and why it happened

and part of me is still in denial

Ashamed.

Maybe at fault.

My friends and my family don't know.

I tried to hide it from them, but things with my girlfriend kind of went sour.

I just hit rock bottom.

I felt I wasn't good enough for her anymore.

I felt I'd let her down.

So it was my best pal's 21st.

We'd been out to the football and then we hit the town.

I had a few too many.

Too many pubs.

I lost my pals.

The battery in my phone had died.

So I just...

walked home and I tried to flag down a taxi but I

mean they must have taken one look at the state of me and thought twice I

cut through the park it started

raining pretty heavily my feet were just covered in mud

so I go back to the road

I stand under a bus shelter to dry off a bit.

And that's when a car pulled over.

I remember these lights, these blinding white lights.

So I got in the back, thinking it was a taxi.

It smelled like a taxi.

I don't even remember telling them my address.

The music was... something sleepy.

And I could tell from the back of the guy's head he was about 40.

But that's with the beer goggles on, so I couldn't say... precisely.

Then I threw up.

All over my jeans.

And all over the side of the door.

Before I knew it.

The car was pulled over.

My belt was unbuckled.

Jeans in my knees.

And I didn't even try and stop him.

I didn't even question it. I was just paralysed with his...

the drink but the shock

after he went down there

I remember my face being pushed down my

face was right in at the carpet

I couldn't see anything at that point but the pain was...

I was left out the side of the road

and after a couple of minutes I managed to get back to my feet and I

figured out my bearings I just walked straight home, straight in, straight to

bed just shut my eyes like...

just like it had all been a bad dream and the morning

came as quick as the night had went I laid in the bath

and I could hear my little brother kicking his football off the garage door

and just every rattle became unbearable

so I dried it off

and I put on the mask like

Like nothing had happened.

It was my little secret.

I didn't tell her, so I didn't want to acknowledge it.

I kept beating myself up over why I didn't try and stop him.

I mean, did I say something?

To provoke him?

Was I asking for it?

It's just a million thoughts just running right through my head.

I'm not gay.

Or am I?

I mean, did I enjoy it?

Was there a part of me that liked it?

I couldn't reason with myself.

So after a couple of days, my girlfriend, she sensed that something

was off.

I didn't want to have sex.

I couldn't look her in the eye anymore.

So one night, I text her.

Told her it was over.

And then I just... I just withdrew.

Stopped going to work.

Ignored my pals.

I just locked myself away and... and shit.

and most nights I'd replay in my head what had happened just over and over and

over and I became obsessed

I was questioning my sexuality a lot

I'm here

today because well because I don't want to just keep this in my head anymore

I thought that by saying things out loud it would make it easier

and I feel it you know the

relief

hearing some of you talk today it's

it's given me a whole new perspective a whole new

mindset

What happened to me doesn't define who I am.

Doesn't make me any less of a man or a friend or a brother or a son.

I was... I was raped.

I was... I was just saying I'd... I'd live my

life by it.

Everything happens for a reason.

I'm not so sure anymore.