Original subtitles

was the birthplace for all of William Shakespeare's famous plays.

Today, the Bard's works are respected and well-read.

In his own time, however, Shakespeare's plays were performed to match the spirit

of the lusty and ribald times they portrayed.

On the wings of your imagination, then, come back through the mists of time to a

summer's evening in old London and take your place with our audience that is

about to view the greatest romantic play ever written.

Lend me your...

for soon there shall unfold before you a play of two young lovers.

Let the players come forth.

Foreman Shane as Romeo.

Shannon Carse as the Prince.

Deidre Nelson as Juliet.

Wendell Swink as the good Friar Lawrence.

Mickey Dines as Lady Catholic.

Your friendly neighborhood narrator, James Brand.

Karen Thomas as maid number one.

Jay Edwards as Balthazar.

Pat Davis as maid number two.

Vincent Wallace as the nurse.

Tom Jones as Gregory.

Tiffany Lane, maid number three.

Eleanor Rigby, maid number four.

Derek the Hunchback.

Played by Sidney Carlyle.

Adam Lawrence playing Sir Lord Montague.

Antoinette Maynard, maid number five.

Dorothea Christie, maid number six.

Marvin Sweetbody as Paris.

Kelly, as the stagehand.

And Stuart Lancaster as Lord Capulet.

Behold the streets of beautiful downtown Baroona.

Here

two

wealthy families have been feuding.

New blood has been shed and tempers are running hot.

Caught between are two lovers, Romeo of the Montague family and Juliet of the

Capulets. Here we have the greedy Lord Capulet.

And,

gentlemen, the lovely Lady Capulet.

And the faithful man servant to the Capulet house, Gregory.

And so, let the play begin.

Help! Help!

Help you, Dave, before I run you through.

I shall deal the same with my lord Montague or his son Romeo if the need

arises. Well spoken, dear Gregory. It seems your loyalty goes far beyond this

low salary. Oh, shh.

Well spoken, dear Gregory.

It seems your loyalty goes far beyond the small salary I pay you.

Tis but my devotion to you, my lord.

Ah, yes, brave Gregory. Did I reward you well enough for saving my wife's life in

that fire at the prince's great masquerade ball?

Oh, but my lord was more than generous.

I have two flagons of the best wine.

and three of the best winches and all of beautiful downtown Verona with it.

Dear Stead, I... I mean, brave Gregory, I too must repay the favors I owe you,

and soon. I thought that was against the law in public.

Pardon my law, but look.

Here comes the father of Romeo, old Montague himself, and with him,

His big-ass servant, Balthazar.

At last, my sword shall sing.

Montague!

Your son, Romeo, is a fag!

A weakling, piddling fag.

Well, Balthazar, you big-ass, are you not my protector?

Will you allow this knave to insult my son Romeo in the house of Montague?

Never, my lord.

Juliet is a slut.

A slut in the house of Gabula.

Attack him, Gregory.

Attack!

Cut off his privates!

Here come the prince.

Barbarians, who do you think you are, fighting in my city and disturbing the

peace? Right you are.

Never disturb a peace.

Capulet, Montague, this is the third time.

I will not warn you again. If you disturb the peace of beautiful downtown

Verona once more, I'll have your heads.

Dear prince, it is not my husband's fault.

This pig, Montague, insulted our innocent daughter, Juliet.

He called her a slut.

Montague, can this be true?

Tis true, my lord.

But not before that old ass Capulet called my son Romeo a degenerate stud.

Well, now, I know not about Romeo, but I do know that Juliet is the sweetest

virgin, the loveliest innocent in all beautiful downtown Verona.

Talk it to me!

Tis true, Juliet.

You are the hottest light in all beautiful downtown Verona.

My dear, dear prince.

You must promise to keep my secret.

If my dear, dear Romeo ever discovered...

I would kill myself.

Fear not, dear Juliet.

Your terrible secret will go with me to my reserve plot in beautiful downtown

Baroque.

Knock, knock.

Oh!

Just a second!

Good morning, milady. Tis a beautiful morning. Oh, yes, and...

And I feel just wonderful.

Did you sleep well, milady?

Oh. Oh, yes.

Like an exhausted rabbit.

I... see what you mean.

What? Oh.

Just jabbering to myself.

Well, m'lady, I guess I'll make your bed after you have your breakfast.

Enjoy your breakfast, m'lady.

Thank you, dear nurse.

That wench.

I'll have her hit on a platter.

Almost crushed my foot.

Did you...

Pull

the door?

I care not for these ladies who must be wooed and

prayed.

Give me, said Julieta, the wanton country maid.

Do you know what Joan of Arc said while she was being burned at the stake?

No. What did Joan of Arc say while being burned at the stake?

What did she say after that? Damn all these faggots.

What's a faggot?

If a captain of a ship had a first mate by the name of Monty and he glued his

door shut, could you say, Cap, you let Monty glue you in?

Hey, tell me why they don't let Italianos play in this version, eh?

The prophet who saith, Prince who make love on side of hill, not on level.

If Juliet sold oranges on the corner, would she be called Lauren Juliet?

I care not for these ladies who must be

wooed and prayed.

Give me, Sir Juliet, the wanton country

maid.

Nature art disdain.

But when we come where comfort is,

she never will say no.

If I caught Julieta, she'd give...

Mm-hmm.

If Juliet is the sun and the moon is sick and pale, would that affect

daylight savings time?

Yeah.

Wow.

Oh, no.

screaming in a crash.

Was it you?

No.

No, I... I've been asleep.

By the look of your breakfast tray and your bed, you must have had a nightmare.

Oh.

Merciful gods, will there be any left for poor Romeo?

Romeo.

My dear, dear Romeo.

Nurse, do you think the heavens will bless us and make Romeo and me happy?

I'm sure of it, milady, since you are saving your virgin flower for only him.

Oh, yes, yes, but I find it easy to do so.

Because of my great love for him.

And especially so because I know he is true and faithful to me

also. Oh, Romeo.

Romeo.

Wherefore art thou, Romeo?

Romeo.

Romeo.

Oh, Romeo.

Romeo, stop, or you shall drive me mad.

A pleasure to do so, my lady love.

They ought to get something straight between the two of them. But here in the

kitchen... What if we be discovered?

Well, if I know this horny little house of yours, you'll probably want to join

in on the fun.

Tis true, tis true. We are a horny bunch.

Said like a trooper.

Yes. The brightness of them would shame the stars.

Up and out.

Now,

bed, Lady Capulet.

Ha ha ha.

Oh.

Surely you are fairer than your daughter.

That you'll never know. My husband has sworn it.

Well, that may be so.

But a stud is a stud.

By the way, where is your good husband just now?

Discussing.

Oh, Romeo, business.

Of state.

Oh.

Oh.

Business of state, she says.

Aye, business, but of state?

Come,

I shall let you be the judge.

Now you must admit, my good Paris, that my daughter Juliet would make a fine

wife for a nobleman of your wealth.

Oh, my dear Capulet, I do not disparage the looks and manners of her, Juliet.

Indeed, I have heard through some sources that she is a hot one, whatever

that might mean.

Hot one? Yes.

Pray tell, does that mean that she might be warmly received in court? Oh, yes,

yes, of course.

And she'd make a fine mother for your heir.

Oh, yes. Well, she needn't worry on that matter.

Well. What say we strike the bargain, eh?

Don't be.

Ah, it will be hard living with a woman.

And so Fair Juliet becomes victim to a scheme.

Her father, for reasons of position and money...

is going to marry her to a gay nobleman.

As our play continues, let us visualize the dungeons of the Capulet house.

Now you shall see how much of a pinch-penny old Capulet really is.

Well said, dear Derek.

Well said.

Whip her! Whip her!

And now, you kitchen scum, perhaps you'll tell us what you did with Lady

Capulet's two silken scarves.

Oh, kind sir, please.

I have done nothing. I never saw them.

Upon my virginity, I speak the truth.

If you don't confess, your virginity will end up with old Derek here.

Confess, I say.

But I am innocent.

Strike again, Gregory.

Keep it up until she bleeds. Very well, my lord.

All right, wench.

What have you done with my lady's scarves?

I say confess.

You're going to confess.

bit of fakery was our fight this afternoon.

Aye. I'm sure we'll reap battle bonuses from our foolish masters.

Ah, speaking of bonuses, what hunk of delicious meat do we have hanging from

these rafters?

This is Candice.

She has promised to grant our every wish for faking that torture with

that omen. Goat Capulet.

You may join us if you wish.

Oh, kiss me quick.

Willie never wrote this.

Please, kind sirs. One at a time, please.

Then choose, fair lady, choose.

The decision should not be difficult.

Oh, but how can I choose between two such men?

And poor me to receive you both.

Very well.

You shall be first with me.

I'm sure that your gentleman will excuse me.

If you would care to watch, however, I would not object.

Go away, fetch a candle.

Methinks this maid is playing a hunch.

It certainly does.

I never have any trouble with my sex life. I always play my hunch.

Oh, Jack.

Oh, Jack. Oh,

Jack.

Give her, Ronson.

But I have a zippo.

Jack. Jack.

For being so long out of practice, our friend makes her moan

prettily, does he not?

Aye.

Too bad we could not provide a paying audience for our friend's labor of love.

A tidy sum could be had.

Oh, Derek.

Oh, Derek.

Oh,

Derek. Oh,

Derek.

Is that swab going to devour her?

I'm afraid that you and I are going to be left with a dead little lass.

Dead little ass.

Lass, man, lass.

Lass.

While

our

friends here go for broke, let us not forget Romeo.

He longs for his Juliet, but her father watches her like a hawk.

So he despairs.

But at last he thinks of a plan whereby he might steal a glance of his fair

Juliet.

So let us leave this steaming group and go to the gardens of the Capulet house,

which are overlooked by a balcony from Juliet's bedroom.

What light through yonder window breaks?

Oh, it is the east, and fair Juliet is the sun.

Arise, fair sun, and kill that envious moon, who is already

sick and pale with grief.

Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou,

Romeo? It is my lady, oh, it is my love.

Deny thy father and refuse thy name.

Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,

and I'll no longer be a Capulet.

The brightness of her cheek would shame those stars as daylight doth a lamp,

and her eyes in heaven through those airy regions.

would shine so brightly that birds would sing and think

it were not night.

What's mine to you?

It is neither horn, nor foot, nor hand, nor face, or

any other part belonging to a man.

Be some other name.

What's in a name?

That which we call a rose by any other name would

smell as sweet.

See how she leans her cheek upon that hand?

Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand. Oh, that I might...

Touch that cheek.

Now, what the hell?

Good night.

Good night.

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

It's all right.

Is this what they mean by puppy love?

Such is often the fate of people who wander into strange gardens at night.

But now, let... What of the townspeople this strange evening? What are

they doing?

Well, since the servants of both houses must pretend to hate each other during

the daytime, they have set aside tonight to give vent to their emotions.

They are going to eat and drink and make merry. And Joy and Helen and Betty and

Janet and Mary and... Or whoever.

I am prince of all beautiful downtown Verona.

Should I not be first?

Nay, my lord.

On a battleground such as this, it's every man for himself.

So be it.

Well,

how would you like to drink warm beer?

If

I cannot

outclass a mere hunchback, I should not be the prince of all beautiful downtown

Verona.

Where in the hell would you book a picture like this?

It won't be as hard as he thinks.

it to me

As you can see, our friends are enjoying themselves tremendously this evening.

But we must leave this scene of good fellowship and warm feeling and follow

the course of our hero, Romeo, who seeks the aid of his good friend, Friar

Lawrence.

Friar! Friar Lawrence!

Friar.

Have you noticed all these dirty old...

of getting bald but me?

Oh.

Oh.

Friar Lawrence!

Be gone, my lady.

And he thinks that's Romeo.

Don't stop now, Friar.

I'll have your head.

Oh.

If you don't get to hell, From here, I fear your husband will cut off more than

my head.

There's only one door.

I'm going to have to find someplace for you to... Fire!

Fire, Lawrence!

Fire, Lawrence!

Hurry, hurry!

Watch me.

Friar Lawrence!

Friar! Friar Lawrence!

Friar Lawrence! Friar!

Friar Lawrence!

Friar Lawrence!

Friar Lawrence!

Friar Lawrence!

I'm in desperate need of your help. What the devil, Romeo? You scared the hell

out of me.

You look a little peaked. What's the matter with you?

I want you to marry Juliet and me.

Oh, that explains it. No, that's not all.

I was in the Capulet Gardens the other night, having a ball.

What, were you daft, boy?

Hell no, I could hear her squealing with delight.

No, no, no, daft, boy, daft.

Daft, daft.

Yes, it's crazy.

Anyway, during all of this action, a member of the household, a youth named

Tybalt. Tybalt.

And I tried to horn in.

And I drew my sword and I killed him.

Oh, Lord, have mercy.

Oh, dear.

You know what that means, my boy.

You are going to be banished from all beautiful downtown Verona. I know, Friar

Lawrence. That's why you must get word to Juliet. Yes. You've got to marry us

immediately. So that I can flee Verona with her.

Oh, fear not, my son.

I shall take word to Juliet.

And now...

Thank you, Friar. Thank you very much.

You're welcome, my boy.

You've helped me before, and I know you'll do it this time.

I'm very glad to.

And so, Friar Lawrence hurries to get word to Juliet.

Amen.

For the life of me, I can't remember what the hell I had to tell you. Just

tell me how you're going to sock it to me.

Oh, mercy.

Oh, mercy. Oh, please. You'll suffocate me. Oh, I'm churchy.

I know it was... I know it was something important.

Maybe, you old codger.

Kiss me. Lick me.

Defile me.

Then banish me to hell.

Banish?

Romeo.

Oh.

Son of a gun.

Now that's what's called a dirty old man.

Romeo's in danger.

He's about to be banished from all beautiful downtown Verona.

Banished? Yes. You must go to Juliet quickly.

And tell her of such.

It shall be done.

Yes.

And so, dear friends, our play proceeds apace.

Romeo is to be banished.

Juliet will be forced to marry Paris.

And now, behold, our fair Juliet.

Oh, my dear, dear Romeo.

When shall we be married?

Mark, Mark.

Who is it?

Your nurse, my lady.

Enter, dear nurse.

Oh, my lady, I've come from the friars. He tells me Romeo is to be banished.

Banished? Oh, my dear God.

I shall never see him again.

Oh, poor mistress.

Do not weep. For love shall always find a way.

It is the greatest medicine devised by the gods to let us forget our troubles.

How does that feel?

Oh, you're right.

A little lower.

The pleasure is all mine.

Come, m'lady.

Dry yourself upon the bed.

I care not for these ladies who must be wooed and

prayed.

Give me, fair Julieta, the wanton country

maid.

Nature art disdain.

But when we come where comfort is,

she never will they know.

If I court Julietta, she gives me

fruits and flowers.

But if we love...

Give golden showers.

Give them gold that sells love.

and screw Liet.

Oh!

If I caught Julieta, she gives me fruits and

flowers.

But if we love these ladies,

we must give golden showers.

Give them gold that sells love.

Juliet,

are you sleeping, my child?

All confounded, girl?

Will you light a candle before I break my foot?

What the hell is going on?

I'm sorry to disturb you, my dear, but I have happy news.

Tomorrow, you will marry the good Lord Paris.

Oh, but... but tomorrow?

Ah, no arguments now, you little bitch, or I'll have you... Oh, nay!

Nay, Father.

Do not say it.

You are wise.

I will do as you say. What?

Oh, well, very good. Very good.

I'm glad to see you've come to your senses.

Well, good night, my dear.

Good night.

Sleep well.

I'll see you in the morning.

That old money-hungry, horny ass.

Oh, dear nurse, how can I marry Paris when my heart belongs to Romeo?

Perhaps the good friar will have a plan. Oh, yes.

Oh, go to him quickly.

good friends, the plot thickens.

Is it possible that the good Friar Lawrence can devise a plan devious

enough to keep Juliet for Romeo?

Well, I don't give a damn.

Before anything else happens, I'm going to do the wedge.

Attaboy.

Tickle her fancy.

Well, blow me down.

It was capulation I know.

Would you want that stud poking fun at your daughter?

And Lord Capulet has set his plan.

He's going to marry Juliet to Paris tomorrow.

Then we must get Juliet out of the house tonight.

He plans to marry her tomorrow. Surely old Capulet won't let Juliet out of the

house tonight.

All is lost.

Oh, it's true.

Alas, it's true.

No, no, no, no.

Fear not, my children.

I have a plan.

Want to hear my plan?

What is your plan?

Here's my plan.

I shall go to Juliet now.

And you two wait here.

Oh, my fair Juliet.

What fate befalls you?

My heart is so sick and heavy with grief for you.

I wonder if my fair Juliet is as sick with loneliness and grief as I am

at this moment.

Oh, yes, my lord.

She cries for you every waking moment.

To unbuckle my shoe.

The secret sex life?

Of Romeo and Juliet?

And her dreams, dear nurse.

Her dreams. Am I with her then?

Aye, to be sure.

Who wrote this mess?

Your kisses must taste like frosting on cake.

Take it from me, they do.

I'll take it from you.

Oh, Romeo.

If I were but half a man, I'd run to her and carry her off.

Heaven! A little bit of that for poor Juliet.

Who the... Who the hell cares? She's got enough anyway.

I hate to see my horny son go down.

Sock it to me.

Sock it to me.

Sock it to me.

Sock it to me.

Sock it to me.

Sock it to me, Romeo.

Oh, oh, sock it to me.

lies with his sorrow, the good friar has gone to Juliet with a plan to help her

escape from marrying Paris.

Let us follow them now to the tomb of Capulet Holmes.

It is here that you shall drink the potion, my dear.

Friar, I still do not understand.

Oh, fear not, fair Juliet.

This potion will merely make you sleep.

But your father and Paris will think that you have killed yourself with

poison.

And then can I sneak out and ball Romeo?

I mean, meet Romeo.

You were right the first time, my dear.

Now, sip the potion while I run to your father and break the bad news to him.

Godspeed, dear friar.

So be it, good friend Gregory.

Where in the devil are we?

We stand... We stand in the

stygian blackness of... We stand... The

saints preserve us. We're lost beneath the earth.

Nay, nay, good friend, Balthasar.

Do I not know my own house?

Surely, this is the tomb of that lust... that illustrious...

that old goat Capulet.

And directly below are the wine cellars.

henceforth and quench our thirst.

Onward!

In... What?

Yes, Balthazar. You pig!

You big-ass!

Oh, die.

Before you do, give me the wine flask.

What the...

What the hell have we here?

A stud is a stud, drunk or otherwise.

And death is a long, long thing.

So why not one last bling?

Gregory. Thou art a great hunk of man.

How lucky it is that you should come upon me here.

It is my pleasure, milady.

Come here, you great stud, you. Milady!

It's a dream.

It's a dream.

It's got me.

I'm ready. I'm in no condition.

I have heard thou art always ready.

Stop it with this. You're coughing.

I'm sorry.

Always ready?

I'm in heaven.

Heaven sounds like heaven.

Bless my soul.

This is Julia.

Here, Gregory.

Save a bit for a friend.

Stay! You don't stay!

You want to crush his boat?

It cannot be true.

He is my father.

Good God.

If he should find us here with her and me among you, let's flee.

But there is no other door. Juliet would not do such a thing.

I'm a little pussycat.

I'm a little titmouse.

I'm pooped.

And what if that mixture does not work at all?

Then shall I be married tomorrow?

Oh, no.

No.

Romeo.

I come, lest do I drink to thee.

A miss.

Oh, dreadful day.

My daughter has slain herself.

Oh, poor me.

To lose the wealth she would have brought as a bride.

How can I ever tell Paris?

near its end.

Fair Juliet lies in the tomb.

News of her death has spread like fire through all of beautiful downtown

Verona.

But even before Friar Lawrence could reach Romeo and tell him that it was all

a trick, the news had reached even his ears.

But soft.

Methinks I hear our hero, Romeo.

Oh, my love, my life.

Oh, how can this be?

What can be left for me now?

There was naught but you, fair Juliet.

And there can be naught but you.

I shall join you in death.

I have forgotten. Up now, few dear Capulet, so that I may pay my respects

to your daughter.

Your sorrow must be great.

I, old friend, in Paris must be furious.

But you at least still have your son.

Not so.

Alas, here lies my son.

Upon my word, so it is.

It seems he longed for your daughter even in death.

Aye. Well, the least we can do is oblige them now. Help me lift him into the

coffin.

Now, my friend, help me to cover up this tragic sight.

It seems we are both childless.

Aye.

Well, now that we've gotten rid of this hot stud and sexy siren,

what say we make up for lost time, huh?

Oh, goodbye, George, you dirty old man.

You still have it in you, huh? Let's start with a couple of drinks.

Aye, and I know two kitchen maids who'll be glad to join us.

Julia. Romeo.

Julia.