Original subtitles

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians

# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights # Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description # Cutthroat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes # Punishment from ancient times

# Romans # Rotten, rank and ruthless

# Cavemen # Savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages # Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that

# And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to

# Horrible Histories. #

VOICEOVER: Horrible Histories presents:

Is the coast clear?

Take that! Mph!

Oh, that looked nasty!

My brothers and sisters and I are in the middle of an epic battle.

One of our classic ratty pillow fights.

Da! Incoming! Ahh!

Eugh!

It all started when my sisters invaded my brother's bedroom.

That's how real wars sometimes start too.

One nation invades another country and tries to take it over.

Of course, some of history's invasions went better than others.

(FANFARE)

Charge!

That huge amount of ships that we sent against the English,

I think we made them mad.

Try and invade us, will you, Spain?

Well, now it's payback time.

Sir Francis Drake. Your Maj.

Unleash the English Armada.

You had me at "unleash the E".

..led by Francis Drake

aboard his ship 'Revenge'.

180 ships, tens of thousands of soldiers.

We shall destroy the Spanish fleet! Attack!

Wait!

Instead of their fleet of ships,

let's attack the Spanish city of Coruna.

I wonder if they've conquered Spain yet.

Mm.

OK. Might take a bit longer than I thought.

Longer?!

The winds are blowing in the wrong direction!

The men are dying of starvation and sickness!

What are you complaining about? We've still got 5000 men.

Yes, but we started out with tens of thousands of men!

That's not ideal.

You know the English Armada

we sent against the Spanish because of the Spanish Armada

they sent against us?

Well, I think they may be planning revenge.

No. Yes!

Another Spanish Armada!

I'm beginning to think armadas might be overrated.

Yeah!

Me and my brothers are losing the battle,

so we've turned our bedrooms into a fort.

We built barriers at every entrance so our sisters can't attack us.

We are totally safe.

Ah! Ugh.

Battles are hard.

And it's not just the landscapes that are a problem.

Keep it down, you lot! Sorry, Mum!

Sometimes the people are the problem.

William the Conqueror found that out.

After he killed King Harold at the Battle of Hastings,

he came up against a particularly tricky opponent.

Harold's mum! Ooft!

Hello! I am King William of England.

I know you're in there!

We're not scared of you, William!

Guys, seriously, I am not OK about this rebellion.

I just conquered you!

I'm so peeved, I literally just poked this guy's eyes out.

There was a whole battle near Hastings. Remember?

My rival King Harold

and all his brothers were killed or captured.

I mean,

there's literally no-one else from the royal family left to lead you!

Move it, sunshine.

Go away!

Oh, for crying out loud. Look who it is.

Yeah, I would if you hadn't poked my eyes out.

Oh, sorry. Yeah, it's the old King Harold's mum,

Gytha. Oh?

Yeah! You forgot about Mummy, didn't you?

Look, it would be better for everybody

if we ended all this rivalry and you just surrendered.

So what do you say?

Why's it all gone quiet?

Hang on. Something's happening.

Oh, I think he's getting his bum out. Fire!

But why? (FARTS)

Don't worry about it, Your Majesty.

Everyone does it when they get nervous.

That wasn't me. It was them! Oh, sure it was.

That's our answer!

The sound of a mother's rage.

(FARTS)

And by the smell of it... (SNIFFS)

..cabbage. (FARTS)

Oh! Oh, God, that is strong.

(FARTS) Oh!

Maybe you should go and change your chainmail.

It wasn't me! Do you want me to poke something else out?

Yeah. Could you start with my nose? Ohh.

Hit him again!

(FARTS) Oh!

I know you have them surrounded, but maybe it's time we retreated.

Yeah, it stinks.

(CONTINUES FARTING)

That's right! Fear our power!

(FARTS)

And smell it, too! (FARTS)

Oh, I could smell that one from France!

We'll be back! Right. That's enough.

(FARTS)

Oh.

It's been 90 years since Caesar failed to conquer Britain.

Rome has a new emperor determined to finish the job.

It's gonna take one tough toga wearer

to risk everything in this hellhole.

I'm Emperor Claudius, and this is...

You're on an island filled with bloodthirsty warriors and druids.

Staying alive through the night is going to be a challenge.

You're going to need protection, and you're going to need it fast.

Look around you. What do you see? Nothing but trees and dirt.

But trees and dirt with training and basic tools can become a fortress.

A fortress can keep you alive

when everybody around you wants you dead.

But what I like to do is

stay 900 miles away in Rome

and let my general, Paulinus,

and the army do the hard work.

When you're faced with death,

being somewhere completely different

is a very effective way of staying alive.

You finally arrived in Great Britain

because the war has already been won,

but now you have to win the peace

and these locals will rebel at the drop of a helmet.

(HELMET THUDS) Ah!

You need to be prepared, and that means using what's around you.

Look around you. What do you see?

A stone can be used as a missile. Ya! (CAT SCREECHES)

And wood is good for keeping the fire going at night.

Staying well lit and armed is vitally important in a hostile situation.

But what I like to do is... bring an elephant.

(ELEPHANT TRUMPETS)

It's unlikely the locals will have seen an elephant.

"What's that?" they'll say,

and I'll say, "That's an elephant."

And they'll say, "Cool, I've never seen one of those.

"Let's not rebel."

Probably. Who cares? I've got an elephant!

(ELEPHANT TRUMPETS)

I love it when they do that! X-treme elephant!

Conquer more of the island

so you're safer from attack.

You've secured the south-east, but it's going to take years

to spread your rule across this new and dangerous island.

You've got decades of hard work and danger ahead of you.

But what I'd like to do is... go home

after 16 days.

Let the army do the rest.

Going home to Rome seriously reduces your chances of being killed abroad.

And that's...

Let's bounce.

(ELEPHANT TRUMPETS)

I forgot my elephant.

Now, gentlemen, in precisely one minute's time,

we're going to march as British soldiers

fighting for the East India Company into battle at Seringapatam.

How do you like that?

Any chance we could do it tomorrow, Colonel?

(FARTING SOUND)

No, we cannot do it tomorrow. We're doing it today.

Can we have this conversation in the shade, sir?

I think my hat has cooked my head. No, we cannot talk in the shade.

A British soldier stands where he must.

Be that under fire, in the ice or in the sun.

Is that understood?

Uhhh.

He must be very strong.

I think their leader just killed a man with his finger.

Why are the British wearing such ridiculously hot and thick uniforms?

If you're gonna march into someone else's country

killing anyone who resists,

the least you could do is dress appropriately.

We're struggling with the sun, sir. We all are.

We're not used to it.

Or the fevers, or the water, or the food.

(FARTS) Oh! Sorry, I've got dysentery, sir.

(FARTS) Hey! Ho-oh! That was a close one.

I don't care if it's a bit hot.

I don't care... (FARTS)

..if you've got a runny bottom.

(FARTS)

I don't care if anyone's got a little bit of fever.

Lemons. Badgers. Soup fairies!

That's just fever, he's seeing things!

(FARTS) Hah-hah! Ho-ho-oh-ho! Wow!

Promise I'm trying to keep them in.

(LOUD RUMBLES) Can you hear gunfire?

(DISTANT FARTING SOUNDS)

I think some of them soldiers are dropping bottom bombs.

They can't handle food with flavour. It goes straight through them.

It is a mystery why they keep stealing food from us.

(DISTANT FARTING SOUNDS)

When they finally leave,

it is going to take an age to clean up after them.

And to rebuild all the cities they burned.

You lot are a disgrace! (FARTS)

Now, you need to be ready to march. March?!

I am standing dead still and clenching my bum.

(STOMACH RUMBLES) If I march, it's gonna be carnage.

(FARTS) Perhaps you'd like to be excused

from battle today.

(CONTINUES FARTING)

You shower of toilets!

The British Empire covers one sixth of the world's land.

The British soldiers are feared around the globe.

Do you really think a bit of heat, gut-churning, is going to stop us?

(FARTS) Ohhh! (STOMACH RUMBLES)

Oh, that might slow us down, actually.

(FARTS) Oh!

Gonna need a new uniform.

I just can't believe we're losing this war to these guys.

They'll go eventually. They'll have to.

They'll run out of underwear.

We all know the first rule of pillow fights. Pillows only!

But if we're going to defeat my sisters,

I'm going to have to get a bit more creative.

So I've emptied the feathers out of this one

and put my mate Freddie the Frog inside.

Matilda's scared of frogs. Ha.

(FROG RIBBITS)

Uh... Oh.

Unfortunately, Freddie's scared of Matilda, too.

Come on, she's not that scary!

I guess new weapons for battle are bound to have teething problems.

Just ask this lot.

Sire. Mmm.

I think you'll be impressed.

I've invented a new weapon that will revolutionise hunting.

Ooh, exciting.

I started with a small, sharpened piece of bone.

But that is tiny. You will never catch a lion with this.

Look.

Did that hurt? Uh, well, a little bit.

No, it didn't. OK, but I hadn't finished.

You see, next, I glued it to the end of a piece of wood.

Ah, you're wasting your time.

Look. This is the smallest spear I've ever seen.

You'll never catch a vicious beast with this child's toy.

Look. Ugh.

Did that hurt?

It hurt quite a lot, actually. No again.

What if I said I could hurl this tiny spear

a vast distance and hit a target using this?

Interesting. Let me have a go.

Hmm.

Ah, useless! This will never catch a leopard.

I wouldn't be so sure. Ughhh. Watch me, sire.

Ooh! Impressive!

So I hold it like this. Right!

Ow! Sire!

I would have hit that target if he didn't get in the way.

Let me have another go. Ah, I think I'll stand over here.

OK. This is the one. Fire!

Ooh! Ahhh! Ohhh!

It's broken. Ah!

Try again but round the other way.

The other way. Oh-oh-oh!

Run away, run away! Alright.

(SCREAMS)

Oh. Where is it?

Ah-uh-uh. It's here.

I mean, the bow round the other way. Yes.

Oh-oh-no-no-no! I'm getting out of here!

Oh.

(SCREAMS)

Why?!

Look, it's bound to take a bit of getting used to.

A bit!

I'm pretty sure I'm getting the hang of it now.

Please, please, please, please, please, please.

You did it!

Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha!

Amazing. You have invented a tool that can fire small spears.

I call it a bow and arrow.

The bow and arrow.

Actually, the other way. But it doesn't matter.

Ahhh!

# Loo Man, Loo Man

# The living toilet poo man

# From the Middle Ages with a bucket so that you can

# Have a poo in a private place

# Sitting on my bucket with a cape to hide your face

# And bum, and when you're done

# I will charge depending if you did a two or one. #

Nein, nein, nein!

Oh. Oh!

Greetings, friend.

Who are you and what are you doing on my U-boat?

I am Loo Man, the living lavatory.

And you look like a man who needs a little U-boat's captain's room.

Yes, I do.

Well, then I would like to apply for the jobbies.

We have a toilet. I'm meeting the engineers right now.

Engineer? Yeah.

Flushing the boat toilet is very complex

and only a specially trained person can do it.

I'm intrigued.

It is ready for you, Captain. Oh! Thank goodness.

Oh! Torpedoes awayyyy!

(FARTS) Oh, there we go.

Oh! (FARTS)

Tell me, mein Freund,

do you call them the captain's logs?

(GROANS) Oh, this is the best!

Sorry, Loo Man. A pleasure to meet a fellow poo-fessional.

Oh!

Feel better? Oh, yes. Thank you.

Uh, I'd give it funf if I were you.

You may flush when ready, engineer.

Aye, aye, Captain.

Alright. Right.

Hello. Goodness.

Yeah. My set-up's a lot simpler than yours.

If you want me to take you through it?

Nein, danke. Please do not disturb me.

I must turn these levers and valves in exactly the right order.

Otherwise, the sea water will flood into the vessel.

OK, cool.

Out of interest,

how many buckets' worth of bum bratwurst does this baby store?

Well, actually, the sub does not store its poop.

Instead, we fire turdpedos into the ocean with compressed air.

Love it!

(BUZZING)

Hello! What's happened? Has he done a floater?

(BUZZING CONTINUES)

Oh, no. I've inputted the wrong sequence.

The toilet is filling up with seawater and the captain's logs!

Oh, you do call them the captain's logs, then?

Captain, the toilet switch just leaked into the ship's batteries,

and the sub is filling with poisonous gas!

We must surface and abandon ship.

(BEEPING) Oh, dear.

Abandon ship! Code Brown!

Abandon ship. Abandon ship!

(EXPLOSION)

Should have used the bucket.

Well, Dr Skinner,

we're hoping you've come up with something

that will help us to defeat the Nazis.

Gentlemen, I believe I have.

A massive advance in missile accuracy.

Piloted missiles.

Piloted? But who would be stupid enough

to pilot a missile that was gonna explode?

Gentlemen, meet your new pilot.

(COOS)

You want a pigeon to fly the bomb? Of course not.

(ALL CHUCKLE)

I want three pigeons to fly the bomb. Gentlemen...

Each pigeon harnessed inside the missile

has been trained to peck at the target when they see it.

This pecking transmits a signal via the bird's beak,

which controls the bomb's tail fins and directs it towards the target.

(HIGH-PITCHED) Oh, nein!

You've destroyed my Nazi battleship!

Who'd have suspected a pigeon?

Oh, somebody give Skinner a promotion!

Are we being pranked?

Do you want us to entrust the war to...to birds?

These are no ordinary birds, sir.

My pigeons are graduates of the Skinner School of Aviation.

You created a flying school for pigeons?

Well, they're not going to train themselves, are they?

Who is this guy? (LAUGHS)

Let me show you something.

(GUNSHOTS)

Whoa! What are you doing?!

A demonstration, sir.

Each pigeon has been trained to ignore the distractions of war.

Huh? Ah! My eyes!

My eyes!

See? It didn't even flinch.

Thank you, Dr Skinner. We have heard enough.

I'm sorry to disappoint you, but it's a terrible idea.

I'm sure implementing your pigeon plan

would have been a real coup.

And I don't want you to get in a flap,

but it's time for you and your pigeons to take off.

Hey, where did that pigeon go?

(FARTING SOUND)

I told you they were trained to hit enemy targets.

Being in a battle is exhausting.

Thankfully, Mummus has bought me a cheese sandwich to keep me going.

But I think she might be supplying the enemy too.

Girls! Sandwiches are ready!

Pick a side, Mummus!

I shouldn't be surprised, though.

Mums have been helping their children in battle throughout history.

Although I'm glad my mum isn't a Spartan one.

VOICEOVER: Spartan soldiers are some of the toughest in the world.

Heee-yaa!

The only thing tougher than them...

Come on, you maggots!

..are their mums.

Get up! Sit up!

This is:

Come on!

Tell me something.

Do you want to be in the Spartan army?

BOTH: Yes, Mummy! Yes, Mummy.

What did you say?!

ALL: Yes, Mummy!

Drop down and give me 300. (WHIMPERS)

They're good boys, but they need to grow a spine.

I mean, they're Spartans.

They need to learn to be as tough as their mothers.

And believe me,

we need to be tough to raise sons as tough as Spartans.

Can I get up now? Did I say you could speak?

Sorry, Mummy.

I'm meant to send you pathetic babies out to fight for us.

Do you want to go to battle?

Or will you come running home to your mummy?

No, Mummy! No, Mummy!

A coward!

I should have left you outside on the hill like your other brother.

What other brother? Exactly.

What Mummy wants, Mummy gets.

Or you die.

Attention! Let me look at you.

Oh, you don't want us to get naked again, do you?

That is the best way to assess your physical fitness.

But no, not this time. Oh, that's a shame.

I've been working on my abs.

Ow.

Really hurt.

Shields!

Eugh!

These are your shields. You carry them into battle.

You return with them or on them. Oh, like a sledge?

No, like a stretcher. Dead, dummy!

Shame about the sledge.

That sounded fun.

Oh! Ow!

Um. Oh. I weed, I weed. I'm sorry, Mummy.

Nope. Can't do this.

You are a disgrace!

VOICEOVER: The three gruelling weeks are over,

and this is the end...

..of the beginning of their training,

which will last for many years to come.

Ahhh! I want my mummy!

Archidamus!

I know. Drop and give you 300.

One. Ugh.

Two. Ugh.

Two and a half. Oh! It hurts, Mummy!

I'm not even counting that one.

Dearest Edward. Mummy here.

I do hope this letter finds you well,

despite this silly civil war.

(GUNSHOT)

Not much to report from here at home,

apart from missing you and Daddy, of course.

I do feel so safe

with our own soldiers here to protect us.

(GUNSHOTS) Lady Holly!

Siege! Siege! We're under attack!

To your positions, men! We will not let our home fall.

Defend her at all costs!

I do hope you are looking after Daddy.

I'm so proud of you both

for defending our Puritan values against the Royalist scum!

As some mean people like to call them.

(BELL RINGS, GUNSHOTS FIRE) The bells! The bells!

They're taking our bells! Not on my watch!

Hit them with everything we've got!

MAN: Oh! I've been hit!

Oh, cake!

I was going to send you a cake to make you think of home...

(GLASS SMASHES) ..but...

(GUNSHOTS, DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Eat musket balls, losers! (GUNSHOT)

MAN: Arggh! I preferred the cake!

I seem to have run out of cake.

Love and snuggles, Mummy.

(GUNSHOTS)

We did it! We did it! They're retreating.

Who's the mummy?!

It's me. It's me.

Right. Be a love and sneak this past the enemy, would you?

Move, move, move!

I don't know how long we can keep this battle going.

I'm exhausted!

Also, we're running out of pillows.

We've only got three left.

Agh!

We've only got two left.

Luckily, people in history have had all sorts of inventive ways

to stop war and find peace.

And one of the more surprising ways is...marriage.

Ooh!

That one was my favourite!

They say there is a wafer thin line between love and hate.

So is it any wonder

that when two warring rivals look for peace,

it is l'amour that shows the way?

VOICEOVER: Pharaoh Ramesses II is looking for love...

..or an end to war.

One of the two.

I hope I like her.

Ha! I hope my wives like her as well.

Huh. Hey, do people normally bring their wives on dates?

Serious question.

You don't mind, do you?

Yeah. She don't mind. OK!

His date is the eldest daughter of the King of the Hittites.

You must be Ramesses II. My name is...

I don't care what your name is. I'm gonna call you Maathornefrure.

It means "She who beholds the falcon

that is the visible splendour of Ra."

Yeah, Ra! I'm wicked with names, innit?

Is he allowed to do that?

I mean, I know he's a pharaoh,

and I've heard he can do whatever he likes,

but is he literally allowed to change my name?

Things are off to a bad start

because while Ramesses is Pharaoh of the Upper Nile,

he's on this occasion also King of the Utter Vile.

You need some oil, babes? No, thanks, babe.

Oh, apologies. My bad.

You need some oil, babes! Huh?

Huh? What... No! Hm!

Stop! What are you doing?!

The oil was there to banish the netherworld

and keep you safe from evil.

You're welcome.

I know that ditching this date could restart a war between our kingdoms,

but right now, that seems like a price worth paying.

Hey, hey, look, look.

We both know that our marriage is just there to keep the peace.

But look, let's just put all of that aside. Yeah?

Let's just talk about our hopes and our dreams.

I'd like that. So how much am I getting? Huh?

Think of world peace. Think of world peace.

It's called a dowry.

Her dad has to give me a load of stuff when I marry her.

It's a standard thing at regular weddings,

let alone ones being arranged to end a war.

Ain't that right? I got bear coins off of these lot.

So I get the gold, yeah?

Silver. The slaves, the horses and the cows. Is that all?

And me, of course. Ha-ha! Yeah. Of course.

(LAUGHS) How could I forget that? That's mad.

I'm gonna put you down under the horses.

And they say romance is dead.

So do you think you'll see each other again?

Sure. I mean, we'll have to, innit? (LAUGHS)

If we don't get married,

then the war between our rival kingdoms may well start up again.

Pfft. Bro, I ain't got no choice.

The words every bride longs to hear.

Don't worry, babes, we'll look after you.

There you go.

Wives, let's go.

He needs to learn some manners.

Huh?

Ignore him. We do.

Yeah. I'll catch you back at the palace. Yeah!

You know, I might have to be back next week

because five wives ain't enough. You know what I mean?

Ha! You know what I'm saying?

The dust has settled on our final battle.

We all decided to put aside the pillows of war

and lead a peaceful life.

Because Dad has said if we didn't, he'd sell the telly.

Yes. War is never the answer, unless the question is

"Three letter word beginning with W. English Civil WHAT?"

Of course, in the English Civil War,

Oliver Cromwell's motto was "peace through war".

But my dad says that's nonsense. And he might be right.

Things didn't work out so well for Cromwell. Mm-mm-mm.

# Civil war

# Huh!

# What was it good for?

# Monarchy abolished!

# Civil war

# Huh!

# What was it good for?

# Royalty demolished

# Once we won and Charles lost his head

# We became a Commonwealth instead

# My New Model Army fought for the cause

# I crushed rebellion and repealed laws

# Dissolved parliament Became Lord Protector

# Like a king but without the crown and sceptre

# Protectorate was now what we were called

# With a jolly little motto - peace through war

# Civil war # Huh!

# What was it good for?

# Monarchy disbanded

# Civil war # Huh!

# What was it good for?

# My power expanded

# Cut England and Wales into 12 little bits

# It didn't work out Had to call that quits

# Thought making me king would be the solution

# But I stayed Lord Protector with a new constitution

# Didn't last long, death was my fate

# So, son and heir stepping up to the plate.

# It was a tough act to follow

# The great dictator

# The army forced me out a year later

# Civil war

# Huh! # What was it good for?

# Monarchy diminished

# Civil War # Huh!

# What was it good for?

I thought we were finished.

# But all the while I'd been in exile

# Banished from my home nation

# Then I got the call They'd had enough of war

# And so began the restoration

# I pardoned crimes from Civil War times

# I'm back What's not to like?

# Well, they dug me up

# Cut me up

# And put my head on a spike

# Civil war

# Huh!

# Who was it good for?

# Don't get me started

# Civil war # Huh!

# Who was it good for? #

Right. Now, where's the party?

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation.