Original subtitles

# Terrible Tudors Gorgeous Georgians

# Slimy Stuarts Vile Victorians

# Woeful Wars Ferocious Fights

# Dingy Castles Daring Knights

# Horrors that defy description

# Cut-throat Celts Awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings

# Cruel Crimes Punishment from ancient times

# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

# Cavemen, savage, fearsome, toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages

# Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that

# And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to...Horrible Histories. #

Horrible Histories presents hair-raising holidays.

Ah, who doesn't love going on their holibobs by the sea?

I adore a trip to the beach with my family

and King George the Third was the same.

He especially loved holidaying in the British seaside town of Weymouth,

although his family were slightly less keen on the trips.

Oh, no. This happens every time. My hair is not a nest.

Family on tour. So excited.

OK, Dad, tell us where we are.

Oh, well, we are in Dorset on a royal family holiday,

going to the best town ever.

What could be better, girls, than going to Weymouth?

Uh, not going to Weymouth. That would be better.

Weymouth is more dull and stupid than I can find words to express.

You're the King, Father. We could literally go anywhere.

I know, which is why we're doing a special surprise stop on the way.

It better not be a farm. (HORSE NEIGHS)

Oh, hello, piggies.

Isn't it great? I love farms. Can't believe you're my sister.

Oh, I stepped in something. Oh!

Did you like the farm?

Now I'm bored and I smell of cows.

Right, girls, let's do a bit of Weymouth shopping, shall we?

Shop till we drop. That'll cheer you up.

It's 5:30 in the morning, Daddy.

I know, that's why I had my favourite shop, Delamotte, opened specially.

He's the shopkeeper. Loves getting up at 5am.

This holiday is almost as bad as last year's.

In fact, it is as bad. It's the same exact holiday again.

Although, I guess last year's was a bit worse

because we had to go on a boat trip.

Boat trip!

Wave back.

I've got nothing left in me to throw up.

It's all the excitement of being on a boat. She's loving it.

I think it's safe to say that was a huge success.

Please, Father, we're so miserable.

Fine, I give up. Never again.

Really, father? Thank you. Brush your teeth first.

Now we can find somewhere else to holiday, finally.

Oh, no, I meant we'll never do the boat trip again.

We'll definitely come back to Weymouth.

Yay! Weymouth is cool.

Hello, holidaymakers!

Queen Victoria here, Queen of Great Britain and Ireland,

Empress of India, and massive fan of going on holibobs.

In addition to ruling and having lots of children,

I did like to be beside the seaside.

I was a particularly big fan of going wading in the sea.

My husband Albie even persuaded me

that the salty water was good for my health.

But tell me, what special bit of equipment

did I like to use when I went to the sea?

Was it:

The answer was B,

a big shed on wheels called a bathing machine like this one.

It would be wheeled into the sea with me inside it,

so then I could get out into the water

without prying eyes watching me, and splash around a bit.

And let me tell you, this ride was pimped.

It's got a changing room in there

and curtains that go around the front so I couldn't be seen.

And there's even a royal working toilet inside.

I might be the queen, but I do not royal wee in the sea,

unless it's an emergency.

Excuse me, monarch on the move.

Agatha? Agatha, that can't be you.

John, what brings you to Hawaii? You, Agatha!

I publish your books, and we're expecting another one.

I did not expect to find you, Agatha Christie,

detective writer on a beach in a...

It's a bathing suit, John. Whatever it is, it's not a book.

And that's what we need. People need more Poirot.

I've been trying to get a hold of you for weeks.

Well, you've caught me red handed. Why are you even here?

Because of that little lady over there, Jonathan.

I can't see anyone. Is it Miss Marple?

The sea, John. Do you know what this is?

Uh, an insole for a very big shoe.

It's a surfboard, John. I've been learning to surf.

So, what are you now, a surfer?

Can we at least fix a typewriter on this thing?

I'm still a groundbreaking crime novelist, John.

I've just discovered a totally epic new hobby while on my vacation.

Well, you know what would be totally epic, Agatha? A new book.

I do have a new idea for a book. Oh, great.

It's about a British prince... Terrific.

..who gets murdered... Intriguing.

..while surfing in Hawaii. Oh, that's ridiculous.

People simply won't take you seriously

if you keep telling tales about surfing princes.

Edward! John, have you met the Prince of Wales?

What in... Hail, your wonderful majesty.

Chill, bro. Oh, it's awesome out there, Agatha.

I just stood up on the board.

I think I'm the first British dude to do it.

Check this out.

Woo, woo!

Later, bro.

Tell me more about this royal murder story then. How does it start?

Well, the prince is in the water and there may be a shark.

It's a great first chapter.

No, no, no, the prince is in the water and there may be a shark.

Your Royal Highness, watch out!

It's true!

Famous crime writer Agatha Christie really did get hooked on surfing.

And her surfboard really was called Fred.

When I go abroad on my hols,

as well as souvenir hunting in their exotic bins and sewers,

I love a bit of sightseeing.

And people in the past did, too.

Alexander the Great once actually took a break from waging a war

so he could go and visit the tomb of his hero,

the legendary Greek warrior Achilles.

Oh, they're emptying the bins. Gotta get a snap.

Hail, fair Alexander.

Welcome to the ruins of ancient Troy.

Thanks, buddy.

We're actually on our way to attack the Persian Empire,

but, uh, we, uh, couldn't resist a little holiday in Troy on the way.

All war and no play makes Alexander the Great

a dull and yet still strangely awesome emperor.

Well, let me be your tour guide to this historic ruin.

All I ask is the honour of your company.

And also a large bag of coins.

Right, what do you wanna see?

Show me the resting place of Achilles,

the greatest of the Greek warriors and hero of the Trojan War.

Behold the tomb of Achilles. Oh, it's right there, bro.

Eee, I can't believe I'm stood right in front

of the actual tomb of Achilles.

Hephaestion, look. Yeah, I'm looking. It's great, bro.

You really like Achilles?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, a massive fan.

I even sleep with a dagger under my pillow, just like he did.

You know, I always tell Hephaestion if I have an Achilles heel

it's probably how much I love Achilles.

Yeah, he's always saying that, bro.

Always good to meet someone who respects the legends of Troy.

Just a bit.

Might have to pour a load of oil over the tomb in tribute.

Whoa, there he goes.

Probably don't need that much oil. You know what?

Gonna crown it in garlands, too. Garlands and oil.

Do we have to spend all day at the tomb of Achilles, bro?

Uh, yeah. In fact, I'm gonna run around it naked.

Race you, Hephaestion. Does he do this a lot?

Yeah, you better join in. Otherwise, he gets a bit grumpy.

Watch out for the oil. Whoa!

(THUD!)

Ha!

Who wants to go and look at famous landmarks when you can look at me?

Yes, when I, the great Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte,

was captured at Waterloo,

the impressive sights the people travelled to see was me.

And I don't blame them. I am a rather handsome chap.

Go on, treat yourself to an imperial pleasure.

It's 1815 and thousands of people have gathered

in hundreds of small boats to catch a glimpse

of the captured French Emperor Napoleon.

Welcome to Goggleboats.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Hello, Bonnie. Oh, he looks smashing.

Totally worth travelling all the way from Glasgow.

Oh, totally.

I do like a man in uniform?

Do you like a man who's been fighting Britain

for the last 23 years?

If he's in uniform, yeah.

I mean, it's good, but I wish something had actually happened.

Look, Napoleon took his hat off.

Well, that made it worth travelling 400 miles. Can we go home now?

(ALL BOO)

(ALL CHEER)

Yes. Yes.

(ALTERNATING BOOS AND CHEERS)

Oh, take a bow, son. Take a bow.

The British, they're easily amused, no?

Yep. There is no nation as foolish as we are.

So, uh, is he Napoleon? He's wearing a bicorne hat, isn't he?

With a two point?

Yeah, the three points is a tricorne.

Do you reckon if he got one point that makes him a unicorn?

(MEN SING FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM)

Oh, they're singing him his national anthem.

Well, those aren't the words to the national anthem.

No, Mum, they're singing him the French national anthem in French.

Why? 'Cause he's... Never mind.

What's he doing here anyway?

He's been captured by the Royal Navy,

and he's being kept here until he gets moved to a prison

on a tropical island in the middle of the Atlantic,

where he'll be for the rest of his life.

Oh, tropical island. Oh.

If I knew that was the punishment I would've invaded Holland years ago.

Ha ha!

Well, I'm not sure sitting watching that little French fellow

waving his hat all day really floats my holiday boat.

Oh, gusty. I've always got problems with wind one way or the other.

(SQUEAKY FART)

(LAUGHS) Maybe you've been abroad for a holiday.

Well, in the past, that was something that

only very rich and powerful people could afford to do.

In the 17th century, wealthy people went on trips called Grand Tours.

I don't think you'd be getting much rest and relaxation with this lot.

Every year, young lords from England set off across Europe

to learn about Greek and Roman classic history,

and they don't always behave themselves.

Lords on tour!

Welcome to:

I'm the bear leader.

It's my job to ensure these young... (IN FRENCH ACCENT) ..gentlemen

have a educational and enriching time.

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Give us a kiss, bear leader!

Please put that back. That is a priceless artefact.

(CRASH!)

(ALL LAUGH) Oh, it was so old.

Made a bit of a mess. Priceless! We're having a smashing time.

The tour is a cultural experience for the young lords.

James Cecil, sixth Earl of Salisbury,

King's cousin and wealthiest man in Shropshire.

And I'm here to explore

the philosophies and sights of the ancient past.

And...to party!

No, no, no! I'll be careful.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm having the time of my life.

We're going to the beach.

I've spent so much money. 3,000 pounds. Is that a lot?

The whole point of the Grand Tour is like,

it's a kind of finishing school for landed gentry.

You know what I'm saying?

We get to see all the places we studied in real life,

like Florence, Constantinople, Rome, the... (BURPS) ..Balkans.

Yeah, we started in the Alps, climbing. It's actually quite tough.

No, no, no, not for me.

I got one of the locals to carry me up in a chair.

(ALL LAUGH)

Some people get very upset with the young lords' behaviour.

No, no, no.

The folly of British boys has gained us

the title Golden Asses all over Italy.

Next week the tour moves to Athens, where the boys study Pythagoras,

and Lord Cecil is sick on the Parthenon.

Yo, yo, yo, it's your boy Ibn Battuta here,

international traveller extraordinaire.

Follow me as I go on the Haj.

That's an Islamic holy pilgrimage to Saudi Arabia.

Next stop, Mecca. Boy!

Yo! I'm in India. Whoa! I did go to Mecca.

But then I love travelling so much, I just kept on going.

Oh, and guess what?

The Sultan of India's only hired me as his ambassador.

Best holiday ever!

The Sultan of India is sending me to China. I can't wait.

Bandits are coming! Run for your life!

Hey?

VOICEOVER:

I'm in a ditch, hiding from the bandits. Worst holiday ever!

BANDIT: He's hiding in the ditch.

Probably shouldn't have shouted that out. (WHISPERS) Worst holiday ever.

It's your boy Battuta here.

The bandits are keeping me prisoner in a cave.

As caves go, it's a nice one, but, uh!

I'm OK...I think.

A villager freed me. Yay!

All I had to do was give him all my clothes.

But he let me keep my trousers.

From now on, they are officially my lucky trousers.

Yeah! Now onward to China. Yeah, boy.

So on the way to China, I stopped off at Ceylon. Say what?

Nothing but blue skies ahead for your boy, Battuta.

Best holiday ever.

(THUNDER CRACKS)

I'm sure that'll blow over.

My ship got caught in a storm.

The others made a raft,

but they said there was no room for your boy, Battuta.

So, you know, here I am on a sinking ship.

Worst holiday ever.

Rescued! A new ship and new friends.

Battuta's luck's in, boy. Best holiday ev-

SHIPMATE: Pirates are coming. Run for your lives.

Oh, come on!

The ship was robbed by pirates and my clothes were stolen, again.

But it's not all doom and gloom. I still got my lucky trousers!

And I have travelled 75,000 miles, so actually best holiday ever.

Ever, ever.

Ah, what are we gonna do this summer? Oh, probably nothing again.

Not if I have anything to do with it.

Who are you?

Hi, I'm Thomas Cook, and I'm gonna give you the trip of a lifetime.

Oh. Oh, she's gone.

VOICEOVER:

In the first holiday of its kind,

I'm packaging together an incredible trip for the whole family,

all the way from Leicester to Loughborough.

Wait, did you say Loughborough?

Oh, Loughborough!

Uh, yeah.

That's only 11 miles away. That's right.

A whole 11 miles of luxury train travel.

Oh! Whoa, whoa. Steady, mate.

Are we going first class? Well...

Second class?

One carriage of holidaymakers will be going second class,

the other nine will be going third class.

Your very own seat on a train.

Probably.

And this trip is all inclusive, with food provided at our destination.

Well, that actually sounds quite good. What are we having?

A cup of tea and a ham sandwich.

So much for luxury.

We'll be giving out free flags to wave,

and there'll be a band playing to welcome you on your arrival.

It's a dream getaway.

It's a third-class train ticket, a ham sandwich, and a cheap flag.

It doesn't really sound like a holiday.

Look, there are no other package holidays. This is the first one.

So it's literally just this or stay at home.

Sign me up. Yeah, me too.

Ah, thanks, guys. Thomas Cook Holidays.

Where will your next adventure take you?

To be honest, it's probably gonna be Loughborough again next year, but...

When I'm on holiday, I love a treat.

That might be a trip to something like a theme park

or eating something tasty.

Hello, you! Nice candy floss!

And in my book, the bigger the better.

In Victorian times, though,

they had teeny tiny servings of ice cream called penny licks.

Mmm. Ugh, I dropped my candy floss in the bin.

(GASPS) I'll go and get it.

Oh, bonus, I love toppings. Mm-hm.

Just when you thought the British summertime couldn't get any better.

Oh, look over there. It's the ice-cream cart.

Yes, it's everyone's favourite Victorian summer treat,

the penny lick.

The refreshing instant snack that you can share with friends.

One penny lick, please.

Our taste sensations include lemon, strawberry, vanilla,

and the saliva and germs of whoever had the glass last.

Flavour?

Uh, uh, vanilla without the saliva and germs.

They ain't optional. Right.

And how much is a penny lick?

Are you trying to be funny?

The penny lick costs you just one penny...

Well, yes, I suppose that is cheap.

..and a fairly high risk of infection.

You do wash these glasses, don't you?

Sometimes.

I mean, if it's been properly licked clean, there's no need.

Beautifully licked clean. You could eat your dinner off that.

I love them because the cold gives me relief

from the sores around my mouth.

Ah.

Pick a penny lick. They're quick. They're thick.

And there's a chance they won't make you sick.

One penny lick, please. And have one yourself.

You're joking, ain't ya?

I'm not eating that.

(SNIFFS)

Madam, I present the most thrilling new experience in Paris.

The first of its kind in the whole world.

But it's just a wooden cart and a tiny train track.

It is so much more than that. I'm sure that's fine.

In years to come, people will travel the world

and queue all day just to ride one of these.

We call it Les Montagnes Russes.

Bonne chance. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

After those huge ice slides that look like little mountains?

Precisely.

Of course, we don't have much ice here in Paris.

That is why we use the tracks.

So we are just in a box hurtling down a hill, very, very fast.

Oui! Isn't it exciting.

Shouldn't we wear some kind of safety strap

to keep us from flying out if it stops suddenly?

That sounds like a great idea, but it's a bit late right now.

I'm sure the tracks will keep us going in the right direction.

What happens if the wheels come off? I guess we're about to find out.

Oh, the exhilaration, the danger. It is so much fun.

Woohoo! Why would anyone find danger fun?

I don't know, Madame, but the more danger people have on this ride,

the more popular it becomes.

I would like to get off now. I am going to be sick.

I'm afraid there is no way to stop the ride until we get to the bottom.

Wow.

Yeah.

That's if we do stop at the bottom.

Just because the track stops doesn't mean we will.

Hehe. Woo! Scream if you want to go faster.

Ah!

Let's go again. I am going home.

Oh.

So you go on roller coasters and eat ice creams on your holidays.

I've got no idea what roller coasters and ice creams are.

Or holidays.

In medieval times, we don't have anything like that.

Well, not exactly anyway.

More, a bit more, a bit more. I'm trying to do it safely.

Oh! Ow!

We're just building a medieval church. It's hard work, innit, Dave?

Yeah, I'm shattered. A bit like my foot.

(WHIMPERS)

But luckily building medieval churches

does mean you get a bit of time off now and again.

But can you tell me why?

Is it because:

..and pretend it's the end of the day.

The answer is B, we get some holy days off.

In fact, that's where your word holidays comes from.

Our holy days. Yeah.

Where are you going for your holy feast tomorrow, Ted?

Church. Same as everyone else.

Well, we better finish building it, then.

Ah! You alright?

Hey! Holiday time! I can't believe I am going to my first thesmophoria.

It's going to be lovely.

The girls only festival right here in ancient Athens,

celebrating the fertility goddess Demeter.

Whoo!

You are an absolute bottom-faced poop-for-brains

for having not gone before.

That's actually quite hurtful.

Oh, no, babes, that's the pre-party bit of thesmophoria

where we all insult each other.

You hairy smellbag.

You have a butt like the Parthenon. Because it's big, old and smelly.

Yay! Great thesmophoria.

(BOTH CHEER)

Hi, guys. Olivia, you look amazing.

She knows about the pigcuts, right? What?

We sacrifice piglets, and then we mix their guts with dough.

Hit the link for more easy, breezy guts and dough recipes.

And then we throw them all into a big pit.

ALL: Yay!

One woman gets chosen to be something called the bailer,

and they have to kind of go into the pit and scooch around

in all of the pig gut mush,

and then they scoop it all up and spread it on the altar.

Congratulations.

We thought it'd be cool if you were the bailer this year.

You're so lucky, Olympia. Hashtag blessed.

Can you believe you got to be bailer at your first thesmophoria?

Honestly can't.

Thesmophoria gift time.

(SQUEALS LIKE A PIG)

Click below to buy our very own terracotta piggy collection.

Perfect for you and your friends.

You know, sometimes you just give each other the gifts

instead of bothering with all the bailer

and somebody snooping around and all the pig mush stuff.

Wait, what? So the gunk smooshing, that was all optional?

You butt-brained, boneheaded baboon-bottomed bores.

Awkward.

Actually, the insults are at the start of the festival.

That was actually quite hurtful.

Quick, don't forget to like and subscribe.

Pig guts? Now that sounds like my kind of festival.

Is it all you can eat?

(STOMACH RUMBLES) That's made me hungry now.

Still, nothing beats my favourite kind of holiday.

I do like to be beside the seaside,

and we've got Queen Victoria to thank

for helping make seaside holidays popular.

But it was people like holiday camp pioneer Billy Butlin,

who really changed things.

Thanks to him,

seaside breaks became more affordable for everyone from queens to rats.

Happy holidays.

Yeah!

Ah!

# Oh, no

# The beach was not traditionally where one would go

# And here in Bognor Yeah, this water's so cold

# But doctors said it helps to make your gout go

# Gout go

# It's cool to be by the sea now It's cool to be by the sea

# I like to be by the sea And to take all my family

# I change in a bathing machine

# I see the sea But it can't see me

# Even a royal empress needs a staycation by the sea

# I'm promenading while the kids are bucket and spading

# Oh, yeah

# In the sea We're paddling and wading

# Nah nah nah

# Break by the ocean Break by the ocean

# Donkey rides, baby. # (DONKEY BRAYS)

# Or building a sandcastle, maybe Oh, yeah

# Watch a Punch and Judy show daily

# Nah nah nah

# Break by the ocean Break by the ocean

# Seaside factory workers sure like to be B-side

# I thought for their week off

# I could provide a holiday with entertainment

# Supplied, supplied

# Holiday camp by the sea My holiday camp by the sea

# I called it Butlins 'cause I named it after me

# I'll do everything I can to make my campers all happy

# Catering for all their needs, obviously for a fee

# Candy floss, baby or a knobbly knee contests, maybe

# Oh, yeah

# Grandparents, mums, dads, and their babies

# Everyone has fun by the ocean Break by the ocean

# It's cool to be by the sea now # It's cool to be by the sea

# Yeah, yeah, when we came along, it became a cool place to be

# It's cool to be by the sea And it's all thanks to him and me

# Break by the ocean Break by the ocean. #

Shall we all go and get fish and chips?

ALL: Yeah!

# Candy floss, baby. #

Should we all go and get fish and chi-

(ALL LAUGH)

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed... Horrible Histories. #