Original subtitles

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians

# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights

# Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description

# Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes

# Punishment from ancient times

# Romans # Rotten, rank and ruthless

# Cavemen # Savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages

# Mean and measly Middle Ages

BOTH: # Gory stories, we do that

# And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to

(GREGORIAN CHANT-STYLE) # Horrible Histories. #

Horrible Histories presents the:

ANNOUNCER: Now, if you watch one song contest this year,

make sure it's the Eurovision Song Contest.

But if you watch TWO song contests,

then you need to watch the Rat-O-Vision Song Contest.

You do! (CLEARS THROAT)

So please welcome your host, Rattus Rattus!

Welcome to the first-ever Rat-O-Vision Song Contest.

It's a feast for the eyes and ears

and an absolute disaster for the nose.

(LAUGHTER)

Yes. In this competition,

historical celebrities from around the world

sing their hearts out

in a bid to win our coveted Rat-O-Vision trophy.

And to kick us off with an absolute banger

it's America's entry, sung by Thomas Edison.

Tom's written a song about the things he's invented,

but he had to cut the song down after the dress rehearsal

because it listed all of his 1,000 plus

registered inventions.

The song was over four hours long.

Just the highlights, please, Tom.

(TO THE TUNE OF SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT BY NIRVANA)

# Look round your house at all the things

# The light that shines The phone that rings

# The sounds you like

# The things you view

# I had a hand in all you do

# Oh, who am I? The light bulb guy

# You'd be surprised

# Thomas Edison

# The inventor

# Of light bulb, illuminator

# Movie studio

# Black Maria

# Kinetoscope

# Movie camera

# Phonograph

# Voice recorder

# And the network electric power

# All me

# I said I'd make a new design

# Every ten days

They weren't all mine

# I paid for help from other minds

# To bump the numbers

# Never mind

# With Graham Bell's phone

# I did tell him

# What you should say when the thing rings

# I disagreed with old Bell boy

# I said, "Hello"

# He said, "Ahoy"

# Ahoy, ahoy, ahoy, ahoy, ahoy

# Imagine that

# Thomas Edison

# The inventor

# The vitascope, the projector

# Mimeograph

# Kind of printer

# Electric pens

# Not a winner

# With the lights on

# It's less dangerous

# Yes, my light bulb

# Made me famous

# Yeah! #

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Wow! Who knew Edison could sing like that?

He sure has got some pipes -

presumably from one of his inventions.

Well, he's going to be a tough act to follow

for Germany's entry

by 12th-century genius, pioneer and nun

Hildegarde von Bingen.

This is one of the favourites for the trophy.

Trust me, you'll all be doing the dance tomorrow,

although I can't see the wimple catching on.

(TO THE TUNE OF BLINDING LIGHTS BY THE WEEKND)

# Since the age of seven

# I've been living in a nunnery

# Hildegarde von Bingen That is me

# I'm quite brainy

# Because I feel inspired

# So many ideas bursting through

# My brain hums with things to do

# Every day I look around (COUGHING)

# And the sick need meds to cure them

# I write mine down in book form

# Let's spread our knowledge round the w-w-world

# Und I say

# Ooh, I'm guided by insights

# My mind is firing

# I've got to note this down

# Und I say

# Ooh, so many books to write

# Got to share all of this knowledge that I found

# For a bit of fun

# I made up a secret language

(FARTING)

What dog?

# And music is my thing

# I write hymns and chants to sing

# The first musical morality play

# Ja, I slay

# I look around and the natural world astounds me

# Note down all that surrounds me

# Wrote nine volumes

# Think I covered everything

# Und I say Ooh, my mind is feeling bright

# Yes, I'm a woman

# But I've got knowledge too

# I'm writing letters every day # Letters every day

# To popes and emperors to say # Emperors to say

# "If you listen, I can show you a better way"

# Und I say

# Ooh, I'm guided by insights

# My mind is firing

# Hope I'm inspiring you

# Und I say

# Ooh, the future's looking bright

# If we can think it, we could make it true. #

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Thank you, Germany.

Absolutely heavenly.

Next up, it's Poland's representative, LL Zamenhof.

Now, there's some controversy here

because everyone's allowed to sing in their native tongue or in English.

But what Zamenhof has done is invent a whole new language.

It might not be in the rules,

but he did invent it to try and help achieve world peace.

So let's not fight about it.

The language and the song is called Esperanto.

(TO THE TUNE OF DESPACITO BY LUIS FONSI)

# Any sort of fighting, I abhor

# We need to find a way to prevent war

# And I think that language is the solution

# ALL: Ah-ah-ah

# A peaceful way of resolving things

# There's no need for more battling

# Here's a way to stop this confusion

# It's a language that I created in Poland

# A way that we can keep the conversation flowing

# A way of talking that will only keep on growing

# It's a simple language to unite the people

# It's a way of speaking that will make us equal

# We can sort our problems in a way that's peaceful

# It's easy to learn There's no crazy grammar

# It follows simple rules everyone can understand

# Yeah, a mixture of languages

# But here's the surprise

# There are some words you might recognise

# A bird is birdo Cat is kato

# A cake is kuko Baby is bebo

# Club is klubo River - rivero

# Music - muziko Problem - problemo

# Stop me if I'm wrong I wouldn't want to offend

# You're just taking a word and sticking an O on the end

# I see why you've said that There's really more to it

# Don't be put off Everyone here can do it!

# It's a language that I created in Poland

# A way that we can keep the conversation flowing

# A way of talking that will only keep on growing

# It's a simple language to unite the people

# It's a way of speaking that will make us equal

# We can sort our problems in a way that's peaceful...

Any questions?

(APPLAUSE) Excellent.

Oh, I'm fluent already.

Next up, we've got a pair of true artists from Italy -

the total genius Leonardo da Vinci

and the equally brilliant Michelangelo.

And it features a special guest appearance from Raphael,

who's no slouch either.

The three of them are wonderful creators who, together,

transformed the art world during the Renaissance.

And, of course, they've had Ninja Turtles named after them.

Sweet.

(TO THE TUNE OF TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART BY BONNIE TYLER)

# Renaissance

# Every now and then

I try to picture the art in the Dark Ages

# Before changes began # Renaissance

# Nobody was listening to new ideas

# Said they liked things just as they stand

# Renaissance

# But studying the Classics from Rome and Greece

# Gave us thoughts we'd not had before

# Renaissance

# An explosion of creation

# Music, sculpture in the nudie

# Paintings and more # Renaissance art guys

BOTH: # Every day is like a brand-new start

# Renaissance art guys

# Every day, we revolutionise art

# Renaissance

# Everybody knows that Florence is the place

# Arty-farty types really should be # Renaissance

# Masaccio, Donatello

# True artists created visions so lifelike that they looked real

# Renaissance

# The Medicis have the wonga

# The Pope tells us to bling the Vatican

# Renaissance

# Raphael masters oil

# Botticelli's Venus - he's careful to cover all the bums

# Renaissance art guys

# Every day is like a brand-new start

# Renaissance art guys

# Fighting with our brushes to make art

# And now you all can see

# My technique is getting better

# And if our patrons pay their fee

# Our legacy will last forever

# Study anatomy to make the right body

# 'Cause before, they looked shoddy

# Together, light and dark

# Make these people look 3D

'Cause we all have shadows on us

# Look at me!

# Look at me!

# Perspective gives us depth

# Our backgrounds come alive

# We study nature and oil paint brings it to life

# I really think this will last

# History will remember my art

# No, history will remember MY art

# Once upon a time, your paintings moved me to tears

# Hm, yours always just made me laugh

(LAUGHS)

BOTH: # What can we say?

# We totally eclipsed the old art

# Sistine Chapel

# The Mona Lisa

# Totally eclipsed the old art

# Statue of David

# Sketch of an helicopter

BOTH: # Totally eclipsed the old art. #

Held the last note a bit longer than you.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Amazing!

Those guys are responsible for

some of humankind's greatest creations.

But this is the only work of art they're interested in right now.

Ah, stunning. I can smell it from here.

But if they want to win it, they'll have to get past Greece.

Here's Ptolemy, the ancient Greek astronomer,

with his song all about the stars he named after Greek legends.

Well, he may have his head in the clouds,

but he's got some great moves for an ancient fella.

This is Greece and Ptolemy

with A Sky Full Of Myths.

(TO THE TUNE OF A SKY FULL OF STARS BY COLDPLAY)

# Up there's a sky

# Up there's a sky full of myths

# I'm Ptolemy

# I wrote them down in a list

# If you look high and screw your eyes up a bit

# You will see all the myths

# Lyra's there

# It was played by Orpheus

# Pegasus and Perseus too

# That one's a bull

# That we call Taurus

# That bull is Zeu-eu-eu-eu-s

(SPOKEN) Just think of constellations like big dot-to-dots, man.

That one's Hercules, or Heracles if you're saying it properly

There's Cancer - the crab that bit Heracles' foot.

Leo, the lion that Heracles killed.

Triangulum, the...triangle.

Well, they can't all be great stories.

(SINGS) # Over there

# That lot are Cassiopeia

# The Great Bear's up there too-oo-oo-oo

# 'Cause in the sky

# The Greeks, we put all the myths

# All our stories on view

# Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh...

(SPOKEN) I wrote down 48 constellations

in my 150 AD book, The Almagest.

So, What does it mean?

Oh, "The Greatest".

Is that referring to me or the stars? You decide.

I think you know the answer. (CLICKS TONGUE)

(SINGS) # Look up there

# Everywhere you see stars

# Well, if the clouds have blown through

# Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh

# Up there's a sky

# Up there's a sky full of myths

# Oh, yeah!

# And the moo-oo-oo-oo-oon! #

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Well, that is, hands down, the best song I've ever heard...

..about an ancient Greek bloke naming stars after Greek myths.

(LAUGHTER) But here we go -

it's the English entry, and it's a family affair,

with Henry VIII and his whole Tudor royal family.

They've written a song about one of the big issues of their day,

choosing which form of Christianity the country should follow -

Protestantism or Catholicism.

It makes some really good points,

which is funny because I doubt it's going to get any points,

especially from the Pope. (CHEERING)

This track is an absolute banger.

(TO THE TUNE OF NO SCRUBS BY TLC)

# The Pope is a guy God thinks is fine

# He's also a real good friend of mine

# "Defender of the Faith", he calls me

# 'Cause I'm such a great Catholic, see?

# Then # I got bored of Catherine

# And # I wanted to marry Anne

# Then The Pope said 'cause I'm Catholic

# I gotta be a one-woman man

# So, no, I don't want no Pope

# The Pope is a guy that can't get no love from me

# Gonna split from the Catholics

# Now the head of the English Church...

# is me...

(SPOKEN) Ah, I can die happy and pass the church onto my Protestant son.

Give 'em hell, Edward!

(COUGHS AND WHEEZES)

Ugh...

Awkward! Mary time.

# Then # Brother Eddie perished

# And # Now the country's mine

# And #'Cause I was brought up Catholic

# I'll change it back one more time

# 'Cause, oh, how I love the Pope

# The Pope is the guy who reps my God for me

# And if you don't agree, that's totally fine

# I'll just burn you for heresy

Ah, Lizzie in the house!

Yeah!

# Now Mary died, the country's mine

# How will we pray? I must decide

# Born Protestant, raised with Catholics

# I really can see both sides

# Sure # If I trash the Catholics

# Then # The whole church is mine

# And # If they don't obey me

# I'll charge them a hefty fine

# So, no, I don't want no Pope

# The English Church should all be about me

# Head of church and state

# That sounds great

# Call it Act of Supremacy

# I don't want no Pope

# No, sirree

# But what will happen after me? #

Get out!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Honestly, I can't see any other country

having something to match Queen Elizabeth I.

On to our next entry now.

It's Spain,

and Queen Elizabeth I. What?!

She's representing Spain as well?!

I don't care if it is a duet with King Philip II of Spain.

Surely that's against the rules.

Ah, well. Here's Liz and Phil

with a song all about their countries' great rivalry.

Good luck, everyone!

(WHISPERS) Let's just say

these two don't get along.

(CHEERING)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)

# I'm Philip the Second, I'm the King of Spain

# I'm Liz the First and over England I reign

# I married your sister, Mary I

# But I'm Queen now that she has gone

# I need a new wife You're the perfect fit

# Apart from the "not being a Catholic" bit

# If we get together, our countries can be friends

# And if I say no?

# The friendship ends

# Ah, you're everything I'm looking for

# It's an easy decision

# All you gotta do is change your religion

# You know what, Philip? I'll take my chances

# I'm not interested in having romances

# Europe ain't big enough for the both of us

# If that's the way you want it, I can cause a fuss

# I got the power of the Spanish Empire I can deploy, yeah

# Well, I'll do everything I can just to annoy ya...

(HOLDS A HIGH NOTE)

# Yeah! (BLOWS A RASPBERRY)

BOTH: # You and me, a rivalry

# A war of words A war at sea

# I'll send Francis Drake to steal your treasure

# I'll back your enemies for good measure

# I'll be supporting loads of Catholic plots

# To have you replaced with Mary, Queen of the Scots

# Oh, do what you like That don't scare me much

# I'll get you involved in a war with the Dutch

# Let's see how you cope with my Spanish Armada

# Ha! Is that all you've got?

# You're gonna have to try harder...

Ha-ha-ha! Yeah!

# OK, so my armada turned out not to be a threat

# And actually landed me in quite a bit of debt

# We'll turn the screw and send our own fleet

# And lose 40 ships and have to retreat

# Is this constant warring ever gonna end?

# Could've been so different if we could have been friends

# So let's both die before hostilities cease

# And leave it to our successors

# To work out peace...

# Yeah!

# You and me, a rivalry

# A war of words A war at sea

# Protestant Liz, Catholic Phil

# Both going in for the kill! #

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

I'm hearing that Phil has offered to put their rivalry behind them

and asked Liz to marry him.

AUDIENCE: Aww! Beautiful!

And Liz has said...

(GASPS) Yikes!

I'm not reading that out! AUDIENCE: Ooh...

Let's just say she said no, and move on.

It's France's entry next,

and it's another song by royal appointment.

It's Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine,

the only woman ever to have been queen of both France and England.

She was a great queen, but she was an even greater mum.

And she's got some moves, too.

If this is half as good as it was in rehearsal,

you are in for a treat.

I'm Henry, the Young King! King Richard!

King John, yeah! And this is our mum.

(TO THE TUNE OF CRAZY IN LOVE BY BEYONCE)

# Eleanor of Aquitaine

# My name's Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine

# Oh-oh-oh-oh, no, no

# Oh-oh-oh-oh

# First up, I was the Queen of France,

# Wife of King Louis Seven, was a bad romance

# Took a boat all the way across to England

# Gave the English king over there my hand

# Was my wish to be a really great mum

# Had boys - Henry, Richard, and John

# But a happy family was an odd thing

# Henry started up a war with his dad, the king

# Had to choose between my husband and my son

# That's a no-brainer for a mum

# I chose to try and help my boy, Henry, to reign

# So my hubby threw me into jail A shame

# Eleanor of Aquitaine

# My name's Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine

# Three sons, they all want to reign

# My name's Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine

# Oh-oh-oh-oh, no, no Oh-oh-oh-oh

# Young Henry died of dysentery

# My son, Richard, now King, set me free

# He didn't care about finding a young wife

# Seems he had a better plan for his own life

# Soon he went across the seas on a crusade

# Helped to rule in his place What an accolade

# He got captured far away in another land

# Then things at home got out of hand

# 'Cause my boy, Johnny, got greedy

# Soon invaded, took a castle or two or three

# Told everyone his bro, King Rich, was dead

# And England was now his land instead

# Eleanor of Aquitaine

# My name's Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine

# Three sons, they all want to reign

# My name's Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine

# Oh-oh-oh-oh, no, no Oh-oh-oh-oh

# I guess John was lying, saying Richard had died

# Travelled to Austria to be by his side

# To set him free, I paid for his release

# Bought him all the way home, said this fighting must cease

# Made my boys promise to always be friends

# Gave Richard his crown back to his peaceful end

# Then I supported my youngest, King John

# Tell you, ain't no job harder than being a mum

# Oh-oh-oh-oh, no, no. #

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Yass, Queen!

I think we may have just seen the winner,

but you never know, because we're about to go old-school

with the Ancient Egyptian entry.

Before there were kings and queens in Europe,

there were pharaohs in Ancient Egypt.

And we have three of them here tonight -

Ramesses II, Hatshepsut and Tutankhamun -

singing Ancient Egypt's entry.

It's a fun little number about what pharaohs do when they're dead.

Honestly, couldn't they have chosen a cheerier subject?

But everyone will be humming this tune at the afterparty.

Not to mention the afterlife.

(TO THE TUNE OF GANGSTER'S PARADISE BY COOLIO)

# We all know we're headed to the Valley of Death

# We want eternal life after our last breath

# 'Cause I've been a pharaoh, got a neme on my head

# But when we die we need help from the Book Of The Dead

# It's a magic scroll of hymns to the sun god Ra

# To help us through the afterlife there's many things we must say

# Like I've never uttered lies, never been an eavesdropper

# I have never raised my voice, lived my life so proper

# Every text is different, written for each soul

# But you know, in the end, we only got one goal

# These rules will remind us once we cease to be

# And help us live in peace for all eternity, uh!

ALL: # Been waiting all our lives

# To get into Pharaoh's Paradise

# These words will be our guides

# To living in our Pharaoh's Paradise

# Spells are written on tomb walls, inside our mummy wrapping

# Even in gold masks and other pharaoh trappings

# 'Cause gettin' into paradise, you know it ain't easy

# Your heart is weighed against a feather

# Hope it ain't breezy

# Then we all board, cross the Lily Lake

# To the Field of Reeds, the ferry man will take us

# Then we'll meet our friends and our beloved pets

# In the Field of Reeds we'll have eternal rest, yeah

# Yeah, death ain't nothin' but a new form of living

# So glad we got the Book Of The Dead

# And the advice it's giving

# I'm 18 now but will I ever see 20, though?

# You better hurry with my book

# Don't be slow, mm

# Been waiting all our lives

# To get into Pharaoh's Paradise

# These words will be our guides

# To living in our Pharaoh's Paradise

# Been spending most our lives

# Avoiding dangerous crocodiles

# Preparing all our lives

# For living in our Pharaoh's Paradise. #

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Well, the votes have been counted and verified,

and I'm ready to announce the winner.

Not that it matters, because music and history are the real winners here

and none of our entries really mind about the results.

(GASPS)

Er... (GULPS)

And the winner of the first - and most probably last - ever

Rat-O-Vision Song Contest is...

(DRUM ROLL) Er...

..everyone! MAN: What?!

(BOOING) Yeah, you all won,

so everyone can relax, and...

MAN 2: I won!

(BICKERING AND FIGHTING)

Oh. Well, at least they're fighting each other and not me.

I think I'll sneak out while they're not looking.

And if no-one else wants that trophy...

..I'm having it!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

It'll be the next...language

of international... languages.

(LAUGHTER)

(ALL LAUGH)

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed

(GREGORIAN CHANT-STYLE) # Horrible Histories. #

Captions by Red Bee Media