Original subtitles

# Terrible Tudors Gorgeous Georgians

# Slimy Stuarts Vile Victorians

# Woeful Wars Ferocious Fights

# Dingy Castles Daring Knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts

# Awful Egyptians Vicious Vikings

# Cruel Crime Punishments from ancient times

# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

# Cavemen, savage, fearsome, toothless

# Groovy Greeks Brainy Sages

# Mean and Measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that

# And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to... Horrible Histories. #

ANNOUNCER: Horrible histories presents monstrous mothers.

Mums love their kids.

Well, except maybe when we forget to turn the taps off.

Or we leave the guinea pig cage open,

or we fight with our brothers and sisters.

Three of Eleanor of Aquitaine's sons fought with each other,

but it didn't matter to her.

She still thought of them all as kings.

That's because they were.

King Henry the Young King,

King Richard the Lionheart, and King John.

Eleanor was Queen of England,

and when her sons fought, they really fought.

Who left the guinea pig cage open?

Oh, no!

# I'm Henry the Young King

# King Richard

# King John, yeah And this is our mum

# Eleanor of Aquitaine

# My name's Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, no, no Oh, oh, oh, oh

# First up, I was the Queen of France

# Wife of King Louis VII Was a bad romance

# Took a boat all the way across to England

# Gave the English king over there my hand

# Was my wish to be a really great mum

# Have boys, Henry, Richard and John But a happy family was an odd thing

# Henry started up a war with his dad, the king

# Had to choose between my husband and my son

# That's a no brainer for a mum

# I chose to try and help my boy Henry to reign

# So my hubby threw me into jail

# A shame

# Eleanor of Aquitaine

# My name's Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine

# Three sons, they all want to reign

# My name's Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, no, no Oh, oh, oh, oh

# Young Henry died of dysentery

# My son Richard, now King, set me free

# He didn't care about finding a young wife

# Seems he had a better plan for his own life

# Soon he went across the seas on a crusade

# Helped to rule in his place What an accolade!

# He got captured far away in another land

# Then things at home got out of hand

# 'Cause my boy Johnny got greedy

# Soon he took a castle or two or three

# Told everyone he's broke and Rich was dead

# And England was now his land instead

# Eleanor of Aquitaine

# My name's Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine

# Three sons, they all were to reign

# My name is Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, no, no Oh, oh, oh, oh

# I guess John was lying, saying Richard had died

# Travelled to Austria to be by his side, to set him free

# I paid for his release, bought him all the way home

# Said this fighting must cease

# Made my boys promise to always be friends

# Gave Richard his crown back to his peaceful end

# Then I supported my youngest, King John

# Tell ya ain't no job harder than being a mum

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, no, no. #

RATTUS RATTUS: Spartan soldiers are some of the toughest in the world.

(GRUNTS)

The only thing tougher than them...

Come on, you muckers!

..are their mums.

Get up, sit up.

This is Spartan Mums. Are you tough enough?

Come on!

Tell me something. Do you want to be in the Spartan army?

ALL: Yes, Mummy.

What did you say?

Yes, Mummy! Drop down and give me 300.

(GROANS)

They're good boys, but they need to grow a spine.

I mean, they're Spartans.

They need to learn to be as tough as their mothers.

And believe me, we need to be tough to raise sons as tough as Spartans.

Can I get up now? Did I say you could speak?

Sorry, Mummy.

I meant to send you pathetic babies out to fight for us.

Do you want to go to battle

or will you come running home to your mummy?

No, mummy! "No, mummy!" A coward!

I should have left you outside on the hill like your other brother.

What other brother? Exactly.

What Mummy wants, Mummy gets. Or you die.

Attention! Let me look at you.

Oh, you don't want us to get naked again, do you?

That is the best way to assess your physical fitness.

But no, not this time.

Oh, that's a shame. I've been working on my abs.

Ow. Yeah.

Shields. Ooh!

These are your shields. You carry them into battle,

you return with them or on them.

Oh, like a sledge?

No, like a stretcher. Dead, dummy.

Shame about the sledge. That sounded fun.

(YELLS)

Oh! I weed, I weed. I'm sorry, Mummy.

Nope. Can't do this.

You are a disgrace!

RATTUS RATTUS: The three gruelling weeks are over

and this is the end of the beginning of their training,

which will last for many years to come.

I want my Mummy!

Archidamus! I know, drop and give you 300.

One, two. Two and a half... Oh, it hurts, Mummy!

Thankfully, I'm not a Spartan. My mum is much more chill.

And here she is.

Hello, love. Hello, Mummus.

I love it when she comes to visit.

Oh, you've got a lovely place.

I tell all the other parents my son lives in an actual sewer.

I'm so proud. Thanks, Mum.

Someone else who loved it when his mum came to visit

was notorious crime boss Al Capone,

and she used to visit him when he was in prison.

Imagine living in a nasty place like a prison.

(SHUDDERS)

Prisoner 85, Alphonse 'Al' Capone,

reporting to see his approved visitor.

Please be advised that Mr. Capone

is one of the most dangerous criminal mafia bosses who ever lived.

Now, you listen here, and you listen goods.

I got something to show you.

I've written you a song, you hear? It's called 'Mother'.

Ain't that something, Ma?

# Oh, my dearest mama, I think you're so distinguished

# I hope you like this song

# Even though you can't speaka da the English. #

Che cosa?

Hey, you know the rules, Mama Capone. English only, no Italian.

She only speaks Italian, you great palooka.

Sorry, Al. You know, I'm just trying to do my job here.

Now, where was I?

# When I was a crime boss I gave my mama some Cadillacs

# And a chauffeur, too

# And daddy was jailed for evading tax

# As I sit in my cell, feeling awful lonely

# Waiting for your visit with your vat of macaroni

# Macaroni. #

Pasta!

# Thought I'd rule Chicago, be the king of the city of jazz

# But I got caught and now I'm...

ALL: # Stuck on Al-ca-traz! #

Fantastico! Bravo! Bravo!

Hey! No Italian.

Hello, I'm Hannah Ayscough, and this is my son,

Sir Isaac Newton, mathematician, astronomer, author,

MP, master of the Royal Mint,

discoverer of the laws of gravity, and failed farmer.

You know, most people wouldn't have felt the need

to add that bit on the end.

I just don't think you gave farming a good enough go, Isaac.

I have one of the greatest minds in the history of science

and mum pulled me out of school at 17

so I could learn how to be a farmer.

It's a good job!

You get free milk, loads of fresh air, plus all the manure you can eat.

You don't eat... Do you even know what manure is?

I...I don't want to be a farmer.

Oh, people will always want farmers, Isaac.

Plus, it'll give you something to fall back on

if the whole gravity thing doesn't work out.

If my headmaster hadn't written and asked mum to send me back to school,

I'd probably be a farmer.

He'd have been a great farmer.

To be fair, I would have smashed being a farmer.

Give your mum a kiss.

No. Come on.

He loves me.

RATTUS RATTUS: You've heard of the evil stepmothers

in Cinderella and Snow White.

Well, now it's time for something new.

Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who's the loveliest of them all?

An evil stepmother Queen isn't in this tale.

Oh, it's my super stepchildren. They are the loveliest of them all.

Katherine Parr, the totally wicked stepmother queen.

Also starring Henry VII's children, Elizabeth, Edward, and Mary.

The dramatic story of how a queen used her powers over a princess...

Elizabeth. Yes, stepmother.

These curtains are dusty.

I'd better open them to keep the dust away from this lovely picture.

..to help bring her back into favour with her father.

May I keep it, stepmother? No, you may not.

It's ugly... Oh.

..how your father has treated you, beheading your mother, Anne Boleyn,

and saying you're not his proper daughter.

That's why I'm gifting this painting to the king

to remind him how lovely you are.

Lovely. Yes, you're lovely.

The tale of how Henry VII's final wife put her children to work...

..on their education, which she actively encouraged.

Congratulations on another A star, you absolute boffin.

Ah! Thanks, Stepmummy.

You're just as clever as your sister.

God has given you great qualities.

Cultivate them always and labour to improve them.

But then there was Mary...

Stepmother, what are you doing?

Why? Cutting a rose for your beautiful hair.

..who she was also really lovely to.

Coming soon...

(CACKLES WILDLY)

..to a theatre near you, Katherine Parr...

Guys, soup's ready.

..the totally wicked stepmother queen.

Oh, yes, if you have a loving mum or stepmum at home,

then you're very lucky.

I learned everything I know from my mum.

(FARTS LOUDLY)

Yep, that's where I get it from.

Mums will always see their kids as their babies,

even when we're grown up.

When legendary lawyer and political figure Mahatma Gandhi

first left his home in India to study in London,

his mum Putlibai found it hard to let him go.

Well, it's hard when your kids leave home.

Oh, you've got a little bit of fur out of place. Let me stick it down.

Mum, stop! No, no! Come on.

No, Mum. Come on.

Ah! I can't quite believe it.

My little Mohandas, all grown up and heading to London.

We are so proud of you. Try not to change too much.

I won't, mama.

But just imagine I'll be at the centre of it all,

meeting brilliant men and women.

Ow!

These English women can't be trusted, Mohandas.

You're staying put with a nice Indian woman, just like your mama.

I'm going to study law, Mother, not women.

OK, if I promise to stay away from women, please, can I go?

I promise I'll study the whole time in my rooms, in the libraries,

and in the local pubs where I'll discuss important...

Ow! Can you stop doing that?

No pubs, no women, no wine, no England.

It's just like your uncle says, "You'll become too European."

You're staying? No. No, mama.

Oh, mama, you're strong. OK, OK. No women, no wine, no pubs.

Just studying. And, of course, eating.

Right. Mama, Mama, Mama.

No! Ah! Where did that come from?

Oh, sorry. What are you doing?

English food is full of heavy meat. You're a vegetarian.

My little Mohandas is staying put.

OK, if I promise to stay away from women and wine...

..and meat.

Fine, meat, fine. ..can I please go to England?

But of course you can, silly. Thank you.

I better go get my suitcase. Ow!

And possibly fetch a doctor for the man that it landed on.

You're a good boy.

Oh, and Mohandas. Yes, Mama.

Don't forget to have fun, beta.

OK, Mummy.

Hiya. It's me, Cleopatra, pharaoh of Egypt.

And this is my son by Julius Caesar, Caesarion.

Hi, guys.

Shall I tell them what I call you? Please don't.

Why not? It's embarrassing.

It's not. No.

Please don't do this to me again. Come on.

But it's so cute. Alright, fine. Go on then.

I call him Ptolemy Caesar Pilopator Philometor The Pharaoh.

A god, a son of gods, a king of kings,

the living image of the god Amun.

I mean, I bet all mums have pet names for their kids, right?

Boop!

Squeezy wheezy.

(IN FRENCH ACCENT) Most children would do anything for their mothers,

wouldn't they?

(IN SCOTTISH ACCENT) Ha! Well, not my son!

When my cousin, Queen Elizabeth locked me up for 19 years,

I wrote to my wee boy, King James VI of Scotland,

to ask him to help me get out.

And I must say I was rather disappointed.

(IN FRENCH ACCENT) Bonour, James, Maman here.

I do hope that you are enjoying looking after...

(IN SCOTTISH ACCENT) ..my Scottish throne for me!

(IN FRENCH ACCENT) This is just another message

asking if I can perhaps come and visit.

Maman does so miss her darling boy.

(IN SCOTTISH ACCENT) And also the crown that your friends stole from me

and gave to you.

(IN FRENCH ACCENT) I'm not going anywhere...

(IN SCOTTISH ACCENT) ..because I'm locked up in this castle.

Hey, Mum. Got your messages. All of them.

I miss you, too. Sort of.

I mean, I've not actually seen you since I was, like, 13 months old.

I would absolutely love you to visit.

It's just, well you know Cousin Elizabeth, Queen of England?

She might be a little bit upset

if you don't stay away from Scotland.

And we wouldn't wanna annoy her, now, would we? So...

A big bag of money just arrived from Queen Elizabeth, Your Majesty.

Oh.

That money has absolutely nothing to do with me siding with Elizabeth.

Gotta go now, Mum. Bye.

(IN FRENCH ACCENT) Sweetie pie, I am so happy

that you are getting on so well with Cousin Elizabeth.

If you could perhaps ask her to not accidentally execute me or something.

(IN SCOTTISH ACCENT) If she can do it to me, she can do it to you.

Mummy, chill, Cousin Lizzie is an honourable queen.

She would never allow harm to come to another mortal.

Trust me. More money from England, Sire.

Seriously? Not the time. We talked about this.

(THUD!) Oh.

Oh, James, Jimmy, James, how is one?

Look, this is just a quick note

to tell you that I accidentally executed mother.

I mean, it wasn't a total accident.

I did sign her death warrant, obviously,

but I had second thoughts, so...

Um, sad face.

Sad face.

Elizabeth!

Hey, no worries at all about the whole killing-my-mum thing.

We're cool. We are still cool, right?

Because I really would love to... to be King of England after you.

Anyway, it was good to hang, not hang.

Losing my head here, not lose my head.

OK, got to go. OK. Bye bye. Bye bye.

That was close. She's terrifying. Aye.

I think that's still on, Sire.

(GASPS)

Hello, loyal subjects, Queen Victoria here.

Queen of the United Kingdom, Empress of India, and grandmother of Europe.

But despite having nine children, I wasn't actually a huge fan of them.

So which of these did I actually say about babies?

Was it...

The answer is B, they have a terrible frog-like action.

I took the liberty of organising a demonstration, ma'am.

Is this really necessary? Yes.

I feel it helps clarify what you mean by baby froggy action, ma'am.

No, no, no. Stop that at once.

It's reminding me of an actual ugly baby.

And an ugly baby is a very nasty object.

Oh, please let him do it. No!

Oh, plugh!

You're just as much of a big baby as him.

Oh.

Only nine children? There were 18 in your litter, Rattus.

And I'd already had 40 babies that year.

Imagine dealing with that many nappies.

Yeah, particularly with what you did in them.

Mum!

At least Queen Victoria will have had staff to help her.

You're right.

But being a mother was a lot tougher for other women in Victorian times,

especially if they were working mums.

Oh, yes.

Welcome to the mill.

It's the perfect place for a working mum.

Try not to get your fingers trapped in the loom

'cause it's a pain getting the blood off the fabric.

Oh.

Daisy, you better not be playing hide and seek in the machine.

(CLATTER) (SCREAMS)

Found you.

Uh, I heard there are good childcare facilities here.

Oh, aye, there certainly are.

We stick them in a bucket of sawdust.

Harry? Yes, Mum.

You're going to be keeping an eye on Betty's baby.

Where did you get that metal bolt?

Um, found it. Incoming!

Oi!

Right. Well, go and have five minutes play. This is grown-up talk.

And no gymnastics in the revolving shaft.

You're not made of legs. Whoo-hoo!

Have all your children grown up here, then?

Oh, aye, Harry were born halfway through a 12-hour shift.

He just came out while I were at the loom.

William, stop using that machine as a catapult.

You'll knock the pie off the engine. Yes, Mum.

Pie. Is that a technical term? No, it's chicken and leek.

We heat up the children's lunches on the steam engine

that powers the looms.

Harry, watch your fingers in the loom. How many times...

(SCREAMS) Oh, somebody get Harry a bandage.

Don't stick your tongue in the spinning Jenny, Jenny.

Don't worry, it's not always as quiet as this.

Oh, it's great being a working mum, in't it?

Mmm.

Oh.

Isn't this exciting?

No one in the family has ever had a proper photograph before.

Well, photographing children is my speciality, ma'am.

And may I say how truly lovely you look today?

It's a shame, really.

What?

Now everybody stay there. Say cheese.

Sorry. What is going on?

Oh. Well, did you not want a rug over your head?

No. Of course not.

OK. Um, well, uh, we do also offer this option.

If you just move forward, miss, and, ma'am, stand there.

Perfect.

Now, daguerreotype photographs take a long time.

What are you doing? Why am I behind a curtain?

Did you want me to disguise you as an armchair?

Because it'll cost more.

I don't want to be photographed at all. It's just the children.

Well, how do you expect me to manage that, then?

It takes the camera several minutes to take a picture.

And if they move around at all, it'll come out blurry.

Do you think your kids are gonna stay still for that long?

What do you think? You're gonna have to hold them.

Now, you can either be under a rug,

behind a curtain, or disguised as an armchair.

Hang on a minute. I got an idea.

Why don't you sit here in the middle with the little one on your lap?

I really don't want to.

Don't you worry. No one will know you're there.

Oh, thank you.

I just didn't want to do anything to make the photo look silly.

Now, remember, it takes a few minutes to take a picture.

So everyone say cheese...for ages.

ALL: Cheese.

Imagine not being able to take a picture together.

Smile, Mum. Oh, yeah.

OK, cheese.

Oh, send me that. I'll put it on my socials.

#mummasandsons #specialityboy #rattusIloveyousomuch.

Mum, I don't think you understand hashtags.

#yesIdo Oh, but I do love you, too.

Of course, lots of people throughout history also love their mums.

In some cases, maybe a bit too much.

Attention, people of the Zulu nation,

our warrior king Shaka Zulu has some extremely sad news.

My mother, Nandi is dead.

Not only was she an excellent protector,

but she was the best chief adviser

a marauding Zulu warrior king could have asked for.

(WARRIORS CHEER)

As such, I am commanding that everyone in the Zulu Kingdom

will enter a period of mourning.

And that is the end of the announcement.

And in honour of my mother... OK, there's a little bit more.

..I decree that during this period of mourning,

all 20,000 of you gathered here will wail for hours on end.

And I want proper tears. None of these fake tears.

Like, "Oh, no, I am sad."

I want everyone to cry hard until they are dehydrated.

And how long would you like them to mourn for, Shaka?

A day or two days. One year.

One year?

Anything less would be a disgrace to my poor mother.

And that is the end of the announcement.

And, also, no one is to plant any crops during this year of mourning.

Shaka, that seems a little extreme.

What will the people eat?

Excuse me, did you not hear that my mother has died

and all you can think about is food.

Show some respect. Well, you are the king.

And thus this ends the... And also...

No, he's still going.

..I want all the milk cows across the nation slaughtered

so all the cows can feel the pain that I am feeling right now.

OK, maybe let's just, you know, dial this back a little bit.

Don't worry about where you will get your milk,

as everyone is banned from drinking it in honour of my mother.

Why is no one wailing?

The year-long period of mourning started five minutes ago.

(WAILS FEEBLY) You call that wailing?

(WAIL LOUDER)

Cry me a river. Yes, yes, that is top-notch wailing.

You are going to kill him for this and take over, right?

Yeah, like almost immediately.

What did you say? Nothing.

(WAILS) Yes, that's it. From the diaphragm.

Hello. Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus Germanicus here.

Or Emperor Nero, for short.

I was Roman Emperor number five,

but I was number one when it came to playing the bagpipes.

I loved playing the bagpipes. Didn't like my mum quite as much.

In fact, I actually tried to have her killed.

Naughty. But tell me, how did I do that?

The answer is A, and also B, and also C.

Some people send their mum lovely flowers.

Some send her chocolates. I sent her assassins.

I wasn't a great son.

But I'll tell you what I was great at, playing the bagpipes.

And so, to lighten the mood,

I'll play you out with this little number I prepared.

A one, a two, a one, two, three, and...

That's it for our look at some of history's monstrous mums

and some magnificent mums too, just like my mum.

Thanks for helping out.

Oh, you're welcome, darling.

Oh, and I put that video of you as a baby dancing in your nappy online.

It's got a million hits. You're going to be famous.

Thanks, Mum. Fame at last.

But a real big thank you to all the mums and stepmums everywhere.

Mmm.

# One, two, three My Alex is so great

# And it was his fate to conquer the whole world

# Without me by his side

# Well, that isn't quite how it would have unfurled

# His father was a threat

# And so to protect I kept him by my side

# So what a shock we had

# When we found out Al's dad and his new wife had died. #

Coincidence? # Hey, Mum. Thank you, Mum. #

I fought for my grandson too.

# Hey, Ma, thank you, Ma

# I had a load of kids

# And then the thing I did was marry them all off

# It takes a real skill and an iron will

# To find a suitable toff

# Got the best I could get for Marie Antoinette

# Bagged her the King of France

# Matchmaking was my thing

# Well, you don't think you get a throne by chance.

# Hey, Ma, thank you, Ma. #

Admittedly, it didn't play out perfectly.

# Hey, Ma, thank you, Ma

# Hey, whata, hey, whata, hey, whata, hey, whata

# Hey, what about you?

# This story goes out to all the mothers out there

# If you escape slavery

# You fight to get your children back from those devils

# Take them to court like I did

# Do whatever you can and dedicate your life

# To making sure it never happens to anyone else's kids. #

Wow. My attempts at matchmaking feel kind of weak right now.

# Hey, Ma, thank you, Ma

# We're all mothers We do what we can

# Hey, Ma, thank you, Ma. #

Nothing up here, mate. Nothing.

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed... Horrible Histories. #

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation