Original subtitles

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians

# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights, dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description, cutthroat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes, punishment from ancient times

# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

# Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages, mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that

# And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to...

# Horrible Histories. #

NARRATOR: Empires.

Nations that conquer other nations and take them over,

enslaving or crushing the people as they go.

Like the Roman Empire.

Oi! Clear off! This is my home!

I am so sorry. I had no idea.

Oh, right. Fair enough, then.

Just kidding!

It's part of my empire now.

And, once you're the subject of an empire,

you can kiss goodbye to your rights...

Oh, come on.

..your money... What?!

..your natural resources... Aagh!

..and, in some cases, your lives. Aaaaaagh!

The Roman Empire crushed all in its path

from Northern England to Egypt.

Yes, empires become huge territories,

each under one supreme ruler,

like the Persian Empire

that smashed its way from Greece...

..to India,

and Luxembourg's Luxembourgish Empire...

Hang on.

Aah!

No empire for you, little Luxembourg.

You're not mighty enough. Hmph!

Unlike Spain's empire

that was so powerful

it destroyed other empires,

like the Aztecs and the Incas in the Americas.

And what about Belgium's colonial empire in Central Africa?

They brutally forced Africans

to work for them

and killed anyone

who stood in their way.

Hang on. What's happening here? Huh?!

No, you're too small, Luxembourg!

And, at the head of empires, emperors and empresses.

Like Emperor Napoleon of France,

Alexander the Great of the Macedonian Empire...

..and finally,

empress of the largest empire

the world has ever known,

Queen Victoria

and her British Empire.

Whoo! Yeah! Go, me!

Me and all the other powerful emperors and empresses

throughout history. (WHISTLES CASUALLY)

Not you, Luxembourg. Oh.

Yeah, it's good to rule an empire,

loved universally by all your conquered people.

(JEERING) MAN: Rubbish!

Strange. Is it possible that not everyone likes being conquered?

Why not? Weird.

Welcome to the rise and fall

of Enormous Empires.

So, empires are basically powerful nations

that keep taking over less powerful ones.

Alexander the Great's massive Macedonian empire

stretched across three continents,

and his brilliant battle tactics saw him conquer more and more land.

Nothing seemed to slow him down.

Well, almost nothing.

Hm.

NARRATOR: It's 329 BC,

and Alexander the Great is seeking to expand his empire

further into Asia.

For Alexander...the Great!

For the Macedonian Empire!

(STOMACH RUMBLES) Oh...

(STOMACH GURGLES) (FARTS)

Um, you guys, uh...carry on.

(FARTS) Oh, no!

(FARTS SLOPPILY) Ohh...

What are you doing, sir?

Uh, nothing! Carry on! (FARTS)

Ugh. It's stopped.

As I was saying, for the Macedonian Empire!

Sorry, sir - what was that? What was what?

You running off mid-battle. Is this one of your brilliant strategies?

Uh... Yeah. Sure. Yeah.

Like that time we were fighting

on a day that the calendar said was unlucky,

so you changed the calendar!

BOTH: Huzzah! Yeah.

What's your brilliant strategy this time?

Um...

Are you meeting with secret allies behind the bush?

Are there hidden troops back there? Oh, no, no. Don't look.

Just, uh, part of my secret, hidden strategy.

(STOMACH GURGLES) (FARTS)

I feel another strategy...coming on!

(FARTS NOISILY) Aaaagh!

Just carry on fighting! Yeah... Eugh.

(FARTS SLOPPILY)

It's OK. I'm fine.

We all heard the poo noise.

Even we heard the poo noise, and we're on the other side!

Alright! Fine! Euuggh!

I didn't want to tell you guys, alright,

but I may have drunk some dodgy water

because I've got, like, a teeny bit of diarrhoea.

(FARTS WETLY) Oh, no! Ew!

Don't overreact.

I knew I smelled something when we were crossing the river!

You said it was just funny-smelling mud.

(FARTS SLOPPILY) Ohhh.

it's like a waterfall coming out of my bum.

Oh, come on!

(GRUNTS)

Men! The Scythians are retreating.

The day is ours!

Huzzah!

Come, let us embrace. (FARTS)

Uh...actually, I, uh...

..think I lost my sword somewhere, so I'll probably go look for that.

Well, it'll be here among the dead.

(FARTS) Come, let us search together. (FARTS LOUDLY)

Actually, I've got...

..I've got a huge battle tomorrow, so I, uh...

(FAKES YAWN) ..I might have... I might have an early night.

Fine. I was, um... (FARTS) I was washing my hair anyway.

Oh.

NARRATOR: Head teacher Ruth Thomas

has had to find a replacement geography teacher

after Mr Napoleon declared himself emperor of France and invaded Italy.

Welcome to:

I mean, he's a huge historical figure,

but maybe a Mongol warlord shouldn't be put in charge of 11-year-olds.

I'm gonna keep an eye on this one.

Class 7F's new geography teacher is Genghis Khan.

CLASS: Good morning, Mr Genghis Khan.

You know, I had a tough life growing up.

My family lost their home

when my dad was killed by another tribe.

I dedicated myself to protecting my family

and bringing the Mongol clans together

so there would never be fighting between us again.

I'll leave you to it.

One of the ways I brought the clans together

was by killing the other leaders!

Did I mention I also killed my own brother over a hunting rifle?

Maybe write that down too.

Mr Genghis Khan is a bit more violent than our usual teachers.

Apart from Mr Johnson.

He threw a pencil at Josie Hillage.

Now, who knows what this country is? China.

No. That's part of my Mongol Empire.

And what about this one? Iran.

Nope. That's mine too.

And that's mine. And that's mine. That's mine. That's mine.

In just 25 years, I conquered more lands than the Romans did

in their whole history!

What's wrong, young man? Cheer up.

I'll let you drink some horse blood at break time.

CLASS: Eww!

What? It'll make you strong.

Will it make me as strong as Kit Land from 7D?

He picks on me.

Where is this land of the 7D you speak of?

MRS THOMAS: I think I may have misjudged Mr Genghis Khan.

Sorry to bother you. Uh, class 7F have just invaded 7D.

Um, excu... Uh...

Sorry.

Mr Genghis Khan, we do not allow violence in this school.

Please make sure it doesn't happen again.

No more violence. Got it.

Come on, children. Shuffle, shuffle.

One way to avoid violence

is to utterly destroy your enemy cities!

Who wants to burn down the canteen?! CLASS: Yeah!

NARRATOR: Mr Genghis Khan has not been asked back.

And Mrs Thomas is once again looking for a new geography teacher.

Ooh, tomato juice.

And a new canteen.

But that's tomorrow's problem,

here on Historical Educating. Ack! Ack!

You might think being an emperor is easy,

and that once you've got all the conquering out of the way,

you can just sit back and chill.

Well, bad luck, because keeping hold of power is hard work.

Take Emperor Justinian II, ruler of the Byzantine Empire.

He got overthrown, had his nose cut off,

and was banished from his home.

Then ten years later, he was back on the throne.

Picture the scene.

You're Justinian II,

ruler of the Byzantine Empire.

It's kind of a continuation of the Roman Empire,

but based here in Constantinople instead of here in Rome.

Things are going great when suddenly...

Ahh! ..this happens.

My rival's stolen my throne.

And cut off my nose

so that no one would ever let me be emperor again.

Uh-oh. Having no nose is a big no-no for a Byzantine emperor.

They're expected to look physically perfect, like gods.

Whoa! What happened, man?

You pick your nose with an axe?

Some emperor YOU'D be!

I guess there's nothing I can do.

Not so fast.

Here at Byzantium Bling, we've got the solution for you.

A golden nose!

Wow, it's so shiny!

And heavy. Whoa.

I've got a nose again.

And it's not just per...perfect, it's solid gold.

Now no-one can say

you don't look good enough to rule again.

Hey, great 24-carat conk!

You can rule over my empire at any time.

Thanks, Byzantium Bling.

Order your golden schnoz today,

and Byzantium Bling will throw in a free set of imperial robes.

Wow!

Get your golden nose at Byzantium Bling today.

My emperor's got no nose!

How does he smell?

Fabulous.

Ohh! (THUMP!)

No refunds.

(LAUGHS)

Make way for Qin Shi Huang,

the first and probably only emperor of China,

for he will live forever thanks to the magic potion he's been drinking.

He's in the prime of life!

Sir, the Emperor's been very quiet in there.

Do you think you should check on him?

OK. He's probably just thinking about how healthy he is.

Yep. Still dead.

He's fine. Off we go. Really?

Yeah. He's just got a sore throat, so he can't talk.

May I see?

Yes, Your Majesty? He says no.

I thought you said he couldn't talk.

He said it with his eyes. Off we go!

If the Emperor is ill,

then shouldn't we call for his oldest son, Fusu?

No, we are not calling for Fusu.

I know you don't get on with him

and, yes, he will sack you if he takes charge, but...

The Emperor is perfectly healthy.

Well, the Emperor did write this letter

that says Fusu should take over if he were to die.

We don't need that. The Emperor is full of beans.

In fact...

Uh-huh. Yeah. Mm-hm. Uh-huh. Yeah.

The Emperor says destroy the silly letter and carry on with the parade,

which he will enjoy quietly from inside his litter.

Oh, what's that smell? That will be the fish.

The Emperor never goes anywhere without his lucky cart of fish.

That smells awful.

So? It's not like it's the kind of... (GAGS) ..smell

you'd use to cover up the stink of a dead body or anything.

Are you sure he's OK in there? Oh, fine.

I'll go and get him.

Come on, sire. Out you pop.

(MIMICS EMPEROR) I want you to write a new letter telling Fusu I hate him

and that he should stab himself to death.

Well, if you insist, sire.

OK, let's get this tour back on the road before everything falls apart.

(QUIETLY) Including the Emperor.

Make way for Qin Shi Huang of China, who's feeling great!

Running a truly massive empire isn't easy,

and every empire that rises must one day fall.

Even the most famous empires of all.

Take the Roman Empire.

It existed for hundreds of years,

invading and taking over large parts of Europe, Africa and Asia.

But they got a taste of their own medicine

when Attila the Hun and his nomadic Hunnic Empire decided to invade.

Ooh!

Hi, guys. You know, life in Attila's Hunnic Empire can be so hectic.

But guess what? All that rush is no reason not to look plush.

That's why today we're here

with our friend from the Roman Empire, Octavius.

Octavius, come on in. I can't. You've tied me to a tree.

You know, we Huns are always making friends

by attacking the Roman Empire

and taking their Roman people away against their will.

Can you untie me, please?

They get to join our big multiracial Hun clan!

Or die.

Octavius of Rome, we're gonna put the hip in your hippodrome

and make you a Hun.

(GROOVY DANCE MUSIC)

You guys in the Roman Empire

may call our leader, Attila, the Scourge of God,

but you guys are definitely the scourge of fashion.

Bleah! Honey, where did it all go wrong?

It went wrong when you guys invaded

and burned down my town.

(CHUCKLES) Makeover time!

Let's start with, like, a simple, basic Hunnic head stretch.

Sorry, did you say stretch? That's right.

We're gonna wrap your head so tightly in bandages

that it stretches and goes all pointy like ours.

And all that facial hair is going to come right off.

Aw, we wouldn't really use that.

No way!

We're gonna burn it off.

Yay!

Please don't burn me.

Aw. You OK, hun?

So, I've been thinking mainly leathers and animal skins.

They're warm, they're hard-wearing, and they look fantastic.

On someone with muscles.

Oh! talk about a Roman SADiator, am I right?

And what better way to get fit than by fighting a bear?

Fighting a what?

OMG, you got a bear. That is so you.

It is. Help!

(BEAR GROWLING)

Oh, talk about being a barBEARian. (SCREAMS)

Aww. I think that bear really likes him.

Ahh! Not the face!

When we met Octavius, he was living happily

with his family inside the Roman Empire.

Whatever.

But now this Roman's gone from emperor zero to Hunnic hero.

Octavius! Hun, you look fierce! Rraow!

Yeah. I'm furious!

Look what you've done to my head!

Work it, twerk it, strike a pose!

And now the big question is,

are you going to come pillaging with us as we burn our way across Europe?

Or are we going to have to, like, kill you or something?

Let's go raid the Roman Empire, hun. Yay!

Let's all dance and then eat raw meat.

See you next time. Whoo!

The British Empire was the biggest of them all.

But it started life small -

hundreds of years before "Britain" had even existed -

when Queen Elizabeth I

granted a royal charter to the East India Company,

meaning they could travel the world

searching for treasures they could sell back home.

They brought lots of fancy new items back to England,

like tea, cotton and silk and delicious spices,

which made them all very rich.

It was trips like these that led Britain to become richer

at the expense of the countries they'd visited,

but that didn't mean those early trips were ALL successful.

Coming soon,

a band of plucky adventurers take to the high seas.

With the backing of Queen Elizabeth,

our small fleet of mighty ships will make history.

The Red Dragon, the Hector, the Ascension

and the Susan.

Still wish we got a cooler-sounding fourth boat.

Yeah. Me too.

Loose the topsails! Nothing can stop us now.

Actually, it's a bit windy.

Right, back to port.

When they eventually set out two months later,

it went really, really well.

(VOMITS)

It'll take more than a little sickness to get this crew down.

They laugh in the face of... I can't take it anymore!

(CRIES OUT) (SPLASH!)

Did someone just jump off the boat?

I think it's fair to say morale is a little low.

(VOMITS)

Starring the commander of the fleet, James Lancaster,

who will lead his men to foreign treasures in the east.

Behold our Indonesian treasure.

Now we can go home.

Dirtiest-looking diamond I've ever seen.

These aren't diamonds. This is pepper.

Worth its weight in gold at home, and now we've got a whole boatful!

(SNEEZES)

(SNEEZES) (ALL SNEEZE)

But the journey home isn't easy.

The Red Dragon... (SNEEZES) ..is so badly damaged

that we'll have to... (SNEEZES) ..tow her home with the Hector.

(SNEEZES) Oh...

Sneezed a bit of wee out.

Finally, our adventurers return home to a new king.

Your Majesty, we bring you the treasure of the Orient.

Ooh. Excellent news.

It'd be good to get something other than pepper.

We've got tons of the stuff. Can't shift it.

Ohh...no!

Great. More pepper. Just what we need.

Well, I'm not paying for it.

And I don't want you selling it because I want to sell mine first.

So how are you gonna pay us if you can't sell the pepper?

(INHALES SHARPLY) (SNEEZES)

I'll pay you with... (SNEEZES) ..the treasure.

(SNEEZES) (ALL SNEEZE)

Coming s-s... Ah...

Oh, no. It's got up my nose too.

(SNEEZES) (ALL CONTINUE SNEEZING)

The East India Company sailed around the world,

grew in wealth and size,

and 200 years later was more powerful than some countries.

This laid the groundwork for the British Empire,

which ended up taking over countries entirely

and forcing its ideas and rules on the local people.

And that didn't make the Empire very popular.

Mm-mm-mm.

Now, gentlemen, in precisely one minute's time, we're going to march

as British soldiers... (STOMACHS GROWL, FARTING)

..fighting for the East India Company into battle at Seringapatam.

How do you like that?

Any chance we could do it tomorrow, Colonel?

(FARTING) No, we cannot do it tomorrow.

We're doing it today.

(WEAKLY) Can we have this conversation in the shade, sir?

I think my hat has cooked my head. No, we cannot talk in the shade.

A British soldier stands where he must,

be that under fire, in the ice or in the sun.

Is that understood? (GROANS)

He must be very strong.

I think their leader just killed a man with his finger.

Why are the British wearing such ridiculously hot and thick uniforms?

If you're gonna march into someone else's country,

killing anyone who resists,

least you could do is dress appropriately.

We're struggling with the sun, sir. I mean, we all are.

We're not used to it. Or the fevers, or the water,

or the food. (FARTS)

Oh, sorry. I've got dysentery, sir.

(CONTINUES FARTING) Oh, Hey! whoa, whoa.

That was a close one.

I don't care if it's a bit hot.

I don't care if you've got a runny bottom.

I don't care if anyone's got a little bit of fever.

Lemons. Badgers. Soup fairies!

That's just fever. He's seeing things.

(FARTING CONSTANTLY) Ah, ah. Ah! Ah! Oh! Oh! Wow.

Promise I'm trying to keep them in.

(FARTING IN DISTANCE) Can you hear gunfire?

(CHUCKLES) I think some of them soldiers are dropping bottom bombs.

They can't handle food with flavour. It goes straight through them.

It is a mystery why they keep stealing food from us.

(FARTING) When they finally leave,

it is going to take an age to clean up after them.

And to rebuild all the cities they burned.

(FARTING CONTINUES) You lot are a disgrace.

Now, you need to be ready to march...

March? I am standing dead still and clenching my bum.

If I march, there's gonna be carnage.

Well, perhaps you'd like to be excused from battle today.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. (FARTING CONSTANTLY)

You shah of toilets!

The British Empire covers one sixth of the world's land!

The British soldiers are feared around the globe!

Do you really think a bit of heat, gut-churning is going to stop us?

(FARTS) Ooh.

Yeah, might slow us down, actually.

(FARTS WETLY) Oh!

Gonna need a new uniform.

I just can't believe we're losing this war to these guys.

They'll go eventually. They'll have to.

They'll run out of underwear. (FARTING IN DISTANCE)

(BOTH LAUGH)

Hello! What do you want?

Well, I know you chaps don't like change very much.

If by change you mean being invaded by you, you're right. We don't.

Well, I actually have some very good news.

Yeah? When are you leaving? (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS) (LAUGHS)

No, we're not going anywhere.

But I am bringing in a new money system.

It's a special West African version

of the British colonial currency system used across the Empire.

And we have it in Britain too. Fun fact.

Now, Johnson, if you would.

Behold - a penny.

OK. It sounds simple.

Two halfpennies a penny.

And a tuppence is two pennies.

Thanks for explaining the coins.

Just getting started.

12 pennies make a shilling

and 20 shillings make a pound.

So, a pound is 240 pence.

If you do keep interrupting, we will be here all day.

Wouldn't it be easier if we could divide it all by 10?

And use the French decimal system? How dare you!

Anyway... There's more.

One florin is one tenth of a pound.

Also two shillings.

There are five shillings in a crown,

so obviously there are four crowns in a pound.

It used to be 21 shillings to a guinea,

but we don't really use those anymore.

21? Yes.

A penny is also one d. A shilling is known as a bob.

Thruppence is three pennies

or a threepenny bit.

Half a shilling is a sixpence or a tanner.

Not to be confused with the £10 note,

which is known as a tenner.

And a fourpence used to be known as a groat. All clear?

Permission to lie down, sir? Permission denied!

Can we not just keep using the cowrie shells and the gold dust?

(SCOFFS) It's much simpler.

Shells. Who uses shells to trade?

At times most of Africa, Asia, North America and Australia

and the Middle East.

And I bet it's not as heavy

as carrying around all those coins.

Ah, yeah, well, that's why we also have paper money.

Flexible and lightweight. And easy to damage.

You can't use your paper money around here.

The termites will have it for lunch.

Hey, give me that back!

It's got the king's head on it!

Not anymore it doesn't.

It's treason, isn't it?

Right. I want these termites shot!

I can organise a really small firing squad, sir.

Yeah. Get a tiny firing squad here.

Look, look, look. We'll take the coins.

Excellent. And we'll melt them down

to make something more useful.

Jewellery, decorations,

maybe even a bum scratcher.

What?! You can't use the king's head as a bum scratcher!

Why would you need a bum scratcher? For the termites.

You're standing on their nest. (SCREAMS)

May I have a bum scratcher? I only take shells.

(LAUGHS)

I wasn't just Queen of Great Britain, you know.

I was also head of the British Empire.

Look how big it was. Surely such a huge empire would last forever.

Some chance. It turned out quite a lot of people

were unhappy being ruled by us,

and many of them started fighting us for their independence.

In India, Mahatma Gandhi came up with a new tactic - not to fight at all.

He launched a series of peaceful protests which were rather effective,

although of course he didn't do it alone.

Namaste, Gandhi.

Sarojini Naidu here, politician, protester, poet.

How's that vow of silence going?

I hear you're not going to talk on Mondays

until India is free from Britain.

It's a powerful idea. I shall do the same, starting right now.

How long was that? (BUZZ!)

A few seconds? Uh...

Well, what can I say, my ugly angel?

I like talking.

May I remind you that I am a major figure

in the Indian independence movement?

So maybe lose the silly nicknames.

If the British thought their prince's visit

was going to make them more popular in India,

they have had a rude awakening.

Our strikes and closures have shut the country down!

But we do need to organise one of our peaceful protests

for Prince Edward's visit to the Uttar Pradesh University.

OK, Gandhi. No more nicknames, my little Mickey Mouse.

Don't worry about the prince's visit to the university.

All the students are walking out in protest.

It'll be so embarrassing for the Prince and Britain when he turns up

and there's nobody there.

Hang on. Prince Edward has just posted a story.

Good afternoon.

Except it is NOT a good afternoon.

I have just visited your university,

and I must say I am not happy.

As if your little walk-out protest was bad enough,

the university governors are trying to make it seem like the students

are still there by filling the halls with Europeans

and children - like this one!

Me, a child?!

I'm 59 and three-quarters.

I'll be writing to the King to tell him

that this trip cost millions of rupees,

and you have turned it into a farce!

It worked! Yes! The royal visit is a disaster.

We must keep the pressure up.

More burning of British imported cloth, and more strikes.

More no talking on...

Oh. Oh, it's...it's Monday?

Oh, no, I...I shouldn't be...

That's it, Gandhi. We'll show them.

No more talking until India is independent.

Go!

Is India independent yet? MAN: No.

WOMAN: Shh! Oh.

Oops.

Despite Gandhi and his comrades' hard work,

India didn't gain its independence until 1947.

Other countries also fought to rule themselves.

And so the sun began to set on the British Empire,

just as it had on all the other empires before.

Here to explain more is Augustus of Rome,

Napoleon of France,

and Britain's Queen Victoria.

# Augustus at your service, heir to Julius Caesar

# I was the first Roman emperor One of history's greatest leaders

# Beat all my enemies I sure gave them what for

# Grew the Roman Empire and ended our civil war

# When I departed, we just started adding countries to the list

# No chance to reason with well-armed legions

# How could they resist? But

ALL: # Empires rise and empires fall

BACKING SINGERS: # Subjugation

# The same fate awaits them all

# Exploitation

# Invading tribes were a sign of the Roman Empire in decline

# The writing's on the wall

# Rise and fall

# Napoleon Bonaparte

# First Emperor of France

# During the French Revolution

# My prospects were enhanced

# Grew the first French Empire from Mali to Martinique

# Until Europe got together and we were forced to retreat

# When I was boss, 3 million lives lost

# I brought back slavery too

# So those aggrieved were pretty pleased when I met my Waterloo

# 'Cause # Empires rise and empires fall

# Domination

# The same fate awaits them all

# Occupation

# I bit off more than I could chew

# Britannia, over to you

# The writing's on the wall

# Rise and fall

# By the time I came along

# My empire ruled the seas

# All around the globe we founded British colonies

# But things started changing and once one was off the scene

# People wanted freedom Independence was their dream

# Empires rise and empires fall

# Liberation

# The same fate awaits them all

# Our own nation

# Taking other lands to increase our size

# Never mind the cost

# Keep your eyes on the prize

# But throughout history we've found

# Once you've reached the top

# The only way is down

# The writing's on the wall

# Rise and fall. #