Original subtitles

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cutthroat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

# Romans Rotten, rank and ruthless

# Cavemen Savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that

# And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to...

# Horrible Histories. #

Horrible Histories presents...

Welcome to my workshop where I've invented some

of the greatest rodent tech of all time.

Like the Interat, where you can use Snaprat and Ratsapp

to squeak to your friends online, or share funny cat videos,

or, as we call them in the rat world,

horror films! (THUNDER CRASHES)

(MIAOW!)

Yes, technology is all around us,

even in your home,

from your computer to the light bulbs

to the lock on your front door.

All of them were cutting-edge tech

when they were first invented,

although it took a bit of time

to perfect them. Mm.

WOMAN: Bitsy, darling, hurry up!

I'd like to make a call on my brand-new mobile phone!

Yes, I'm very successful.

Oh, the weight of this thing is killing me!

Oh, come on!

(GRUNTS) How bad can it be-eeeee?

Oh! What is that?

Gosh.

It's a bit on the weighty side, isn't it?

Oh, it's over five kilos!

It weighs about the same as a fully grown cat.

But it's so wonderful to be out and about

and able to communicate.

(KEYPAD BEEPS) Don't mind me,

I'm just making a call to somebody in Bristol!

The other side of the country,

right here in the street!

(PHONE RINGS) Oh, ow, ow, ow!

I'm OK, I'm OK. Oh!

I'm OK. OK, OK.

I'm OK!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Hello, Brenda.

Hello! Not you, Bitsy.

Oh. Yes. No, it's me, Gwendoline.

I'm just calling you from the streets of London

on my brand-new mobile phone.

Hello? Hello? (INTERFERENCE)

I think the signal's gone. Hello?

Hello? Hello, hello?

Ah, there you are. Yes.

No, it's ever so convenient, actually.

Yes, it did cost a lot of money, actually.

Almost as much as a luxury holiday!

But it's so great not to be stuck at home with a boring normal phone.

I know... (BEEPING)

Brenda? Brenda?

Hello? Brenda! (GROANS) Oh!

It's out of batteries!

Battery life only lasts 35 minutes. What?

We could go back home and charge it if you like.

Oh! But it's supposed to be mobile! What's the point?

I'll go and get the car.

No, because I had to sell the car to pay for the phone.

(SIGHS)

It's fine, we'll just...

..just walk.

Here we go. OK, ah!

Oh. Yeah.

Ah, Robert Dudley, my favourite Earl of Leicester.

To what does one owe the pleasure?

Your Majesty, I have brought you

a new year's gift.

Oh, a prezzie for little old me! (CHUCKLES)

Well, it's too small to be a castle.

(BOX RATTLES)

It doesn't sound like a new country. (CHUCKLES)

It's... Ah, what is it?

It's an arm watch,

one of the very first of its kind in England.

It's a beautiful bracelet with a teeny clock inside.

Why? Well, er...

..it means that you'll know the time no matter where you go.

Er, I already know the time.

When I wake up, it's morning,

when my tummy rumbles, it's yum-yum time...

Yum-yum time. ..and when I yawn,

it's time for bed.

No rumbles yet. Give it about an hour, Thomas.

See?

With this arm watch, you'll know when an hour has passed.

If I were to ask you to meet me for a stroll in the gardens

at, say, 10:00 in the morning,

you'd know when to meet me.

And how will you know what time to meet me

for this stroll in the gardens?

Well, I suppose, like everyone else,

I'd have to walk into the town and look at the town clock.

Oh, yeah?

Of course it would take me a little time to walk back.

And you'd better not be late for our walk, Dudley.

It's incredibly expensive,

covered in diamonds and rubies.

Everyone's going to be totes jelly!

Oh, why didn't you say so? I'll keep it!

Oh! Oh, Giles?

Yes, Your Majesty.

Er, yep, you're late. Take him to the Tower.

What, why?

Should have got yourself an arm watch, mate.

Yes, he should have WATCHED out! Oh, ho-ho! Very good!

(CLOCK TICKS)

MAN: Welcome to Bletchley Park.

I'm Thomas Flowers, principal engineer and designer of...

..Colossus, the world's first electronic computer.

During the Second World War, with the help of the Colossus,

we were able to crack German army codes

so we could read their secret messages.

And that helped us win the war.

(KEYBOARD CLACKING)

OK, I'll just go and get the printer.

(GRUNTS)

Right.

The machines even printed out the codes for us.

But tell me, what was the problem

with the Colossus Number 7's printer?

Did it...?

The answer is B.

The printer's motion was so fierce that it made the machine shuffle

across the room until it unplugged itself.

(WHIRRING)

It happened so much we had to tie it down with these ropes...

MAN: Argh! Get out of the way! (CRASHING)

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

Oh, probably should have tied that down

before I switched it on, shouldn't I?

Come back! (CRASHING)

When you think of cutting-edge technology,

you might think of 3D printers, electric bikes

or a sausage pen.

It's both a pen and a sausage.

I invented that one.

Yes, our homes are filled with technology

that people from history would think was really bougie.

Some of it was deliberately designed to solve problems,

but other things were discovered completely by accident.

Look, it's a sausage AND a pen.

It's never been done before.

MAN: Dr Percy Spencer? Yes?

This had better be a major breakthrough

in military technology, Doctor.

I have an hour and 45 minutes

until my jacket potato is ready for lunch.

Then I think you'll be glad you came, sir. Recognise this?

Ah, yes, the cavity magnetron.

Hmm, a bit of kit that uses a type of radiation called microwaves

to detect enemy aircraft and ships.

I've read the briefing, Doctor.

But last night, sir, I was working next to the magnetron

when something...curious happened.

What are you looking at?

Oh, I was just remembering something.

I was working late in my lab.

Unknown to me, the magnetron was still on.

I felt a tingling sensation

run through my entire body. (SQUELCH!)

But once the tingling stopped,

I was left with something warm, soft, brown

in my pocket.

Is this really something you want to be sharing?

Absolutely.

It had a familiar smell, but I still couldn't be sure,

so I did what any good scientist would do.

Ew! Gross!

No, sir, I was talking about chocolate.

Chocolate?

I had a bar in my back pocket and it melted.

Why, what did you think? Er, no, look!

What I'm trying to say here, sir, is the microwaves emitted

from the magnetron, heated the chocolate in my pocket

and cooked it.

And it works on stuff like corn, as well.

Here, sir, you'll want to brace yourself.

Brace myself for what?

Oh, you'll see. (WHIRRING)

Ah, we're taking fire!

No, sir. (WHIRRING STOPS)

We're making popcorn.

I believe I've invented some kind of cooking machine.

Fascinating. It seems to heat things up

much, much faster than with a traditional oven.

So, no more waiting for your lunchtime jacket potato.

Oh, I'll have to take this to the joint chiefs.

Oh, my microwave cooker?

No, popcorn. They love snacks.

What else can this thing do?

Well, I was just about to try it out with an egg.

(DEVICE WHIRRS)

(SPLAT!)

"Less time for egg."

Ahem, watch and learn, Grover.

Yes? Madam,

I'm Hubert Cecil Booth of the Vacuum Cleaner Company Ltd,

and I'm here to offer you the opportunity of a lifetime.

Ooh!

Let me introduce Puffing Billy... (FANFARE PLAYS)

..the first petrol-powered vacuum cleaner,

available to you for just a small fee.

Ooh, how exciting!

Switch on her five-horsepower engine,

and she will suck the dirt right out of your house.

(MACHINE WHIRRS) Oh!

Ooh.

Whoa! Oh!

Well, I suppose it does seem effective. Do come in.

Oh! Ooh!

Madam, today's your lucky day. (SQUAWK!)

I've sold machines like this

to the German Emperor William II,

Tsar Nicholas II of Russia

and Sultan Abdul Hamid in Constantinople.

Oh, gosh, that is impressive.

Turn her on, Grover.

Right you are, boss!

Oh, it's doing a wonderful job!

Yeah, I came up with the idea

by sucking dirt from a chair through some cloth with my mouth,

like this.

Oh, please don't do that.

Sorry. Urgh!

How about paying us to do the whole house?

We could start at the bottom and go all the way up to the top.

All the way up to the top! Full power it is, boss.

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Just a few teething troubles.

This didn't happen

when my invention cleaned Westminster Abbey

for King Edward VII's coronation.

Oh, whoa! (SQUAWK!)

Captain Peck! Turn it off!

Turn it up? It's already on full.

What's going on? Oh!

Oh, no! (Argh!

Oh, well, I think we can agree

the room is spotless.

Argh! Whoa! Oh!

Boss, I think we've got a blockage.

You don't say. Hmm.

Ah, Gladys, you're back.

I trust you had a smashing vacation.

I did, thank you, ma'am.

And I just wanted to apologise for chipping the china

on the day I left. Oh!

Think no more on it.

Are you sure you're not mad at me, ma'am?

No, no! It was just my best 350-year-old

priceless family china. Right.

It's just the other maids said you had a rather extreme reaction.

Would one call inventing a whole machine that washes dishes

just so you can't break them anymore extreme?

You invented a dish-washing machine?

Whoa!

It was either that or I do the dishes myself,

which would have been extreme.

What exactly does this dish-washing machine of yours do?

It washes dishes.

It removes dirt and the possibility

of clumsy human beings smashing my crockery.

(SHOUTS) Don't smash that, too!

I just wanted to see how it worked.

It's simply a wheel mounted inside a copper boiler

which gently turns the delicate dishes

through the soapy water,

instead of smashing them together

like an angry cavewoman. Ha-ha!

Which I can only assume is your technique.

Oh! People adore my idea.

I've already had several orders from hotels and restaurants.

It might be the first commercially successful dishwasher in history.

I expect I will be quite rich.

As long as you're not angry, I shall go about my duties.

Oh!

Excellent!

Of course those duties will no longer include dish smashing.

You mean dish washing.

I know what I mean.

(DOOR SLAMS)

Did you know computers were invented thousands of years ago?

Well, kind of.

Come on, give me 20 seconds.

I'll convince you. Ready? Go!

Charles Babbage invented the first thing you recognise as a computer,

the Analytical Engine, back in 1833.

It was used for calculations.

The first calculator was made in 1623,

and thousands of years before that, they used abacuses.

And even before the abacus came, the Ishango bone,

which was from about 20,000 years ago

and might well have been used for counting and calculating.

So, in a way, that makes it a kind of computer. Whew!

MAN: Where's Daddy's little princess?

Hey, I've got a surprise for you!

Oh, Dad, you haven't!

It isn't...?

It is, come on! Ha-ha!

Eek! I got you

your very own Ishango bone!

Yeah! Or what you kids like to call it, 'iBone', innit?

Thanks, Dad. It's just I was kind of hoping for the iBone 5.

What? There's nothing wrong with the 4!

This Ishango bone is topnotch technology, no?

Literally! They're notches. Look, 168 etchings.

It's just I was kind of holding out

for the one with the extra notches on the side.

Ah, you don't need extra notches on the side.

Look, you've got the lines there that you can count

and do your times tables.

OK.

Look, look. Two rows there that add up to 60,

and then one in the middle that adds up to 48.

You could use it to count the phases of the moon.

Is that the biggest one they had?

Listen, this is genuine baboon fibula.

(GRUNTS)

Straight from the baboon's leg! Hmm.

It's just my friend said that it's difficult to spot

the difference between the baboon's one and the knock-off.

This one has got the quartz fixed to the end.

Yeah. So you could do your engravings and that.

Aw, thanks, Dad! I love it! Hey-hey!

I know how you young people like your latest gadgets and that.

Although I'll probably just use it for games and stuff.

Pow-pow-pow! Take that!

Look at that, she loves it. Pow-pow-pow!

Notches in bones, eh? What will they think of next?

(SCREECHING) Oh, oh!

Watch out for the angry one-legged baboon!

Ow! Ooh!

ANNOUNCER: Welcome to Historical Dragons' Den,

where inventors from history come to pitch their creations

to our modern business dragons.

Our dragons are looking

to put their own money into the right project.

And the first historical inventor before them

is Nikola Tesla.

An early pioneer of electricity,

can his new bit of tech shock them into investing?

Hello, Dragons. Grr! Pfff-pfff!

Pffffffrp! Pffffffrp!

I don't know why I did that. Sorry.

So, Mr Tesla, I've heard lots of exciting things

about your work with electric motors and how to power them.

Have you got something electrifying

for us today?

(CHUCKLES) I certainly have.

You're my favourite.

Presenting the mechanical oscillator,

powered by compressed air.

Ta-da!

What does it do? Allow me to demonstrate

using one of the greatest American novelists.

It's Mr Mark Twain! Woo!

Hello, Dragons. Nikola.

Can Tesla's vibrating machine

shake our dragons into investing?

(MACHINE REVS, JUDDERS) Ooh-hoo-hoo!

I'd shake you by the hand, Mr Twain,

but you're shaking enough already.

It is a very pleasant sensation.

(PARP!) Woo!

It gives you vigour and vitality!

It certainly gives him something.

You'll see the genius of my machine any minute now.

(PARP!) Oh! Is there a toilet nearby?

As in very nearby? (PARP!)

It's just, er, over there. (PARP!)

Although from the sounds of it, I think it might be too late.

So, you've invented a machine

that makes famous novelists poo themselves?

That's right.

Now, who wants to invest?

Like the contents of Mr Twain's bottom, I'm out.

ANNOUNCER: A blow for Tesla.

With Deborah out, will Peter or Sara invest in his poo platform?

Does it do anything else?

What else does it need to do?

It is fantastic. Would any of you like to try it out?

I'll give it a try.

Sit down, Peter. Oh!

No-one wants to see a dragon poop on TV.

With the greatest of respect, I'm out, too.

(PARP!) Oh, no.

No, no, no, Mr Twain,

that's not the toilet - that's the lift.

(SQUELCH!) Too late.

MARK TWAIN: Oh! Anyone invented self-cleaning pants?

A vibrating poo platform?

I'd invest.

Sadly, that bit of tech isn't still around,

but a lot of old technology is,

like the bow and arrow. Oh! Huh.

Still used today,

this game-changing bit of kit was invented to make hunting easier

in prehistoric times. Mm.

Sire. Hm.

I think you'll be impressed.

I've invented a new weapon that will revolutionise hunting.

Oh, exciting.

I started with a small sharpened piece of bone.

But that is tiny.

You will never catch a lion with this. Look.

Did that hurt? Uh, well, a little bit.

No, it didn't. OK, but I hadn't finished.

You see, next, I glued it to the end of a piece of wood.

Ah, you are wasting your time.

Look, this is the smallest spear I have ever seen.

Hm. You will never catch a vicious beast

with this child's toy. Look.

Ah! Did that hurt?

It hurt quite a lot, actually. No, again.

What if I said I could hurl this tiny spear a vast distance

and hit a target using this? (BOING!)

Interesting. Let me have a go.

Hmm.

Ah! Ah, useless!

This will never catch a leopard.

I wouldn't be so sure. Aaaah!

Watch me, Sire.

Oh, impressive!

Mm-mm.

So I hold it like this?

Right. (TWANG!)

Ow! Ooh!

Oh! Sire!

I would have hit the target if he didn't get in the way.

Let me have another go.

I think I'll stand over here.

Ah! Ah! Oh! Oh! OK. This is the one.

Fire.

Ooh! Argh! Oh!

It's broken. Ah!

Try again but round the other way. Yeah, that way.

Oh-oh! Yes.

OK. Round this way, alright. Run away, run away, runaway.

Aaaaargh! Oh, er...

Where is it? Ah! Ah, it's here.

I mean, the bow round the other way.

Yes. Oh, oh, no, no, no, no, no!

I'm getting out of here! (GRUNTS)

Ooh! Aaaargh! (SOBS)

Look.

It's bound to take a bit of getting used to.

Hmm. A bit!

I'm pretty sure I'm getting the hang of this now.

Please, please, please, please, please

You did it!

(ALL LAUGH)

Amazing!

You have invented a tool that can fire small spears.

I call it a bow and arrow.

The bow and arrow!

Er, actually the other way,

but it doesn't matter.

Ah!

Hey, there, peasant farmer! Oh! Oi!

What are you doing creeping about like that?

Sorry. I'm a bit nervous, you see?

First day as a salesman.

Right. Ahem, hello, sir-slash-madam.

I wanted to see if you were interested

in the offer of a lifetime.

I'm busy. I have to till these fields before sundown,

and it takes ages with these tools.

I have to plant the seed or we won't have grain,

and my children will starve.

But that's exactly why I'm here. You want to adopt Kenny?

What? No, no, no, no, no, no. Worth a try.

I want to sell you something.

It's called the plough.

Can't eat that. It's made out of wood.

You don't eat this - you farm with it!

A demonstration of the tech of the future.

So, you drag it like this.

The spike digs out a channel behind you.

Then you just drop in the seeds as you go.

Now, the plough uses a highly scientific concept

known as 'pulling'.

Alright, if this "ploo" is so good,

why haven't I heard of it before?

Plough. Play.

Plough. Plah.

Say it with me, plough. Pa-lee.

We'll work on it. It's only just been invented.

You know what, let me just show you

how good this plough really is.

Fine! But I don't think it's going to work.

See how easy this is?

Hmm.

You can do this field in seconds, eh?

Oh!

No, um...I'm still not convinced, you know?

I might need a longer demonstration, so just keep going.

Better to watch an expert like you show me how it's done, innit?

I am an expert.

(SOFTLY) Idiot.

You crack on, mate. I'm just going to nip off for a second.

I'll be...I'll be right back.

Oh.

Oh, yeah, bringing more customers? I love it!

Bring the whole neighbourhood.

ANNOUNCER: With the lift hosed down and the windows open,

the Dragons are welcoming their next historical hopeful to the den -

Chinese mathematician, astronomer, inventor,

engineer, scholar and artist Zhang Heng.

Hello, Dragons.

Sometimes called the da Vinci of Ancient China,

can he artfully get our Dragons to invest?

Mr Zhang Heng, what have you brought to show us?

This is Houfeng Didong Yi.

It is one of the first devices to detect earthquakes.

Your device is obviously way ahead of its time.

How does it work?

If any vibrations in the ground are detected,

a ball is shaken from the dragon's mouth

in the direction of the earthquake's source.

(RUMBLING)

I think the design is charming.

ANNOUNCER: Very few people move the unshakeable Dragons,

so could this be a great sign?

I'm confused. How is it making this building shake?

It's not. It's detecting quite a big earthquake.

We should really run.

We're all in!

Someone save the cash!

Looks like Zhang's tech has really brought the house down.

Hello, I'm Thomas Edison, one of the greatest

and most inventive minds ever to have lived.

I suffered with quite bad hearing loss,

so when my musician friend Hans Von Bulow visited

so I could record him playing the piano on the phonograph,

how did I listen along to it?

Did I...?

The answer is B.

I bit the instruments.

The sound vibrations would travel through my teeth,

then through my skull and into the hearing nerve

inside my head.

It's genius!

OK, Hans, hit it!

(PIANO PLAYS)

(MUFFLED) Oh, yeah!

This is a real banger.

# Loo Man, Loo Man The living toilet poo man

# From the Middle Ages With a bucket so that you can

# Have a poo in a private place

# Sitting on my bucket with a cape To hide your face

# Head, bum And then you're done

# I will charge depending if you did a two or one

# Loo Man! #

ANNOUNCER: Please welcome today's historical figure

who really needs the loo -

Hedy Lamarr!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Greetings, friend.

Are you the 1940s superstar film actor Hedy Lamarr,

also known as the most beautiful girl in the world?

(LAUGHTER) Yes, I...I suppose I am.

Sorry, I was hoping to, erm, use the bathroom.

(PARP!)

(CHUCKLES) Well, you're in luck, for I am Loo Man!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

You, Hedy Lamarr, have been transported through time

from the 1940s

through a mechanism too complicated to explain.

Oh, I don't know.

I'm also an engineer and inventor, so...

AUDIENCE: Ooh! Hold on. As well as a film star?

Yes, er, I invented a cube that you could drop into water

to make a refreshing drink, like cola.

Does it work with all liquids? No.

No. No. (LAUGHTER)

Well, that's a shame.

Plop Quiz!

What is happening?

Answer questions one and two, and I'll let you do a...

LOO MAN AND AUDIENCE: Poo!

Please can we be quick?

I've got a couple of extras wanting to make their grand entrance.

(PARP!) Say no more. Question number one.

You were in films like Samson And Delilah

and Boom Town - that one sounds good.

But tell me about some of your tech.

OK, during the Second World War,

I invented a piece of technology

to help the war effort.

It was called a Frequency Hopping Guided System.

If my customers had a guided system,

I'd have to mop the floor a lot less.

(LAUGHTER)

It's horrible, actually.

It was a radio signal that couldn't be hacked,

so the Nazis couldn't interfere with our torpedoes.

(PARP!)

Sounds like you want to launch a torpedo yourself, love.

Question number two.

Do you think you'll leave a lasting legacy,

aside from that smell?

Well, apparently the work I did on the Frequency Hopping System

was later vital to the development of Bluetooth and Wi-Fi.

(PARP!) Ooh!

Well, I don't know about Wi-Fi,

but I know that that was really whiffy.

Hedy Lamarr, it's been an absolute pleasure.

You may pass. Oh!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Time to release a blockbuster! (PARP! SQUELCH!)

Well, I know I'll be tuning in. (LAUGHTER)

Join me next time when I'll be stopping

another historical celeb from taking a poo,

to ask questions just for you.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Well, I've been working hard, and I've created some brand-new tech.

Presenting Rattus 2.0!

I call it RatGPT.

(LAUGHS)

He's going to do my job for me,

while I lie on a beach somewhere.

Thomas Edison was one of history's busiest tech whizzes,

creating over 1,000 inventions.

See? He's amazing!

And they don't have to pay me.

Edison helped develop electricity,

sound recording, cinema

and even X-rays.

Hang on, this thing could put me out of a job!

Here's Edison to tell you everything.

Take it away...away...awa... (INTERFERENCE)

Oh! Phew, he's broken!

And thank goodness for that.

I think I'll leave this tech lark to the experts.

(MUSIC TO THE TUNE OF SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT BY NIRVANA PLAYS)

# Look round your house at all the things

# The light that shines, the phone that rings

# The sounds you like, the things you view

# I had a hand in all you do

# Oh, who am I?

# The light bulb guy

# You'd be surprised

# Thomas Edison, the inventor

# Of the light bulb

# Illuminator

# Movie studio

# Black Maria

# Kinetoscope

# Movie camera

# Phonograph

# Voice recorder

# And the network electric power

# All me!

# I said I'd make a new design

# Every 10 days

# They weren't all mine

# I paid for help from other minds

# To bump the numbers

# Never mind

# With Graeme Bell's phone

# I did tell him

# What you should say when the thing rings

# I disagreed with old Bell boy

# I said, "Hello"

# He said, "Ahoy"

# Ahoy, ahoy, ahoy, ahoy, ahoy

# Ahoy, ahoy

# Imagine that

# Thomas Edison, the inventor

# The Vitascope, the projector

# Mimeograph, kind of printer

# Electric pens, not a winner

# With the lights on, is this dangerous?

# Yes, my light bulb made me famous

# Yeah! #

When Americans say, "I want to go plop..."

(LAUGHTER)

I'll be stopping more historical celebrities from taking a poo...

(LAUGHTER)

There'll be music playing. (LAUGHTER)

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation