Original subtitles

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians

# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights

# Stingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description

# Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes

# Punishment from ancient times

# Romans rotten, rank and ruthless

# Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages

# Mean and measly Middle Ages

BOTH: # Gory stories, we do that

# And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to

(GREGORIAN CHANT-STYLE) # Horrible Histories. #

Horrible histories presents Terrible Transport.

Camels, Camels, Camels!

Are you in second-century Egypt?

Do you need a camel? Of course you do.

Everyone needs camels.

Camels are the perfect mode of desert transport.

They're strong, reliable,

and need less water than your average donkey.

Ooh, no offence. (BRAYS)

Whoa!

Camels, Camels, Camels has camels for just 600 drachma.

But don't take my word for it.

Here it is, right from the camel's mouth.

I'll take a camel. Congratulations.

You've just bought yourself a luxury camel

from Camels, Camels, Camels! (CHEERS)

Ugh. Warning! Camels may spit.

Stay away from their mouths.

Uh, probably should have mentioned that sooner.

Yes, here at Camels, Camels, Camels,

we've got camels for all your camel needs.

I need a camel!

But they're not cheap.

I'd have to pay for permits and fees to take them down certain roads,

and I'd have to pay extra high taxes compared with other animals.

Well, stop worrying,

because here at Camels, Camels, Camels,

you can buy part of a camel.

And I don't just mean the legs.

You'll be sharing it with someone else and you'll save money.

Great! I'll take half a camel. Done!

You can share it with Steve. Hello.

He's just paid. Oh!

Ugh!

I love my new camel. Ugh!

Oh, remember to stay away from their mouths.

I really should open with that.

You need camels. We got camels!

But, uh... Oh. Who's this?

I work for the governor of Egypt.

I've come to take your camels.

I won't be paying you.

Well, help yourself

and don't forget to stand right in front of their mouths.

It helps them bond with you.

Oh, thanks. Good tip.

(CAMELS GRUNT)

Ooh...

Ugh! Oh...

Camels, Camels, Camels

for buying camels, renting camels,

and if you work for the governor, just taking them without paying.

I've got camel flob in my eyes!

So come on down to Camels, Camels, Camels today.

Agh!

Don't get the hump. Get a camel!

I'm in 43 AD, ancient Rome,

where Emperor Claudius has banned the use of carts in towns,

along with all the other transportation

save walking on foot.

Welcome to Fast In The Past.

"What's that?" I hear you say?

"No carts?

"What's a handsome speed demon like you

"doing in a place like this?"

Well, the clever folks of ancient Rome

might have come up with a workaround.

I'm here to review the Roman litter.

Don't be fooled by the name.

This beast is anything but rubbish.

It's a four-person powered,

two-pole, one-seater celebration of Roman know-how.

It goes to top speeds as fast as these guys can run.

,And yes, don't worry, it's ecologically friendly

because the engine is powered on whatever you feed them.

Let's take her for a spin.

Well, the makers of the litter

claim it can go from zero to walking speed

as long as it takes to say "forward."

Forward.

Not bad. Now let's see what this baby's second gear, running, can do.

Lads, put your foot down. Fast.

Fast. Boom! Cappuccino.

Now, the effort of carrying a litter under the hot sun

must be exhausting.

Not for me. I'm on this luxurious upholstery,

and I've even got a roof which protects me not only from the sun,

but from any wee or poo thrown from windows.

I hate my job.

And check this out - I can control the vehicle

using the simple voice-activated command system.

Stop! Stop.

Back. Back.

Yep. She's a classy little runaround.

And by classy, I mean that it's used only by the upper classes,

from important people all the way to the imperial family at the very top.

Stop! No, I didn't say stop,

I said top.

Forward. Forward!

Put your backs into it.

Back! No, I didn't say back.

Forward! Forward!

You're letting yourselves down. Down!

Stop! Stop!

As you can see, the control system can be a little temperamental.

So, to sum up, in a town where carts are banned,

it'll get you from A to B pretty fast.

Fast! No, no! Guys, stop!

We're going in the river. Going in the river!

No!

(SPLASH!)

Imagine that! Only being able to travel around by walking,

being carried or riding a camel.

Before modern vehicles were invented,

travelling anywhere would take AGES.

Unless you were lucky enough to have a sailboat or a horse.

It's no wonder that people really looked after their animals.

Mind you, one particular man took that to a whole new level.

Hey, guys. Henry VIII here.

HVIII in the house!

Or a field. Whatever.

Now, you all know that I'm into armour, hunting and food.

Nom, nom, nom, nom.

But today I want to talk about horses.

I'm a horse nerd!

I love horses!

They're the only way to travel.

I especially love coming to my Barbary horse stable

and hanging out with my horse handler...

Hello. I love that name.

But not as much as I love horses!

I'm actually the first monarch to breed horses especially for racing.

Tell them what I did when I was campaigning in France.

I believe you raced horses.

And why did I do that?

(SIGHS)

Because you really love horses.

Because I really love horses!

One, time I bought 300 horses in Holland.

People often say, "Hey, Henry, how many horses do you have?"

And I say, "Not enough! Bring me more horses."

Super horse nerd!

Here's where I come to watch the working horses

enjoy a happy retirement.

Oh, there's Kunithada and Governator.

Aren't they lovely?

Yes.

We thank you for your services, horses!

Zinzano. Oh.

Thank you for your service, horses. A bit better.

Some people say to me,

"Oh, Henry, you must love all horses, then."

And to them I say, "No, I do not love all horses!"

Tiny horses enrage me.

That's why I had a law passed

saying any horse over the age of two and shorter than 15 hands is banned.

Hands are a unit to measure a horse's height.

Which, if you love horses as much as me,

you'd already know!

Any horse I thought was too short, I had destroyed,

and I had them... Henry, have you seen my...

Oh, are you talking about horses again?

You knew this about me when you married me, Anne.

Well, if you love horses so much, why don't you marry one?

Well, maybe I will!

That's actually an awesome idea.

Zinzano!

Find me a horse bride.

Neigh!

Horse nerd out.

Ooh, coming through!

Oh, OK! Yes, please.

Oh, sorry. Don't mind me.

Just driving the vehicle of the future. Oh, this?

It's called the Laufmaschine,

or better known as my velocipede.

That's a blooming dandy horse, that's what that is.

Oi! Watch your mouth.

I'll have you know that this is the future

of pedestrian acceleration.

It's all the rage in Frankfurt.

Ooh, Frankfurt!

"Ooh!" Is the right response.

I bet you're looking for a demonstration, aren't you?

Not really. OK. What you want to do

is get both legs on either side like that,

and then get ready to run like the wind, baby!

Ooh-hoo! Come on, velo...

Ooh! Excuse me!

I know, I know. It's made entirely of wood.

Very perceptive.

It's got a perch with a cushion on it,

you know, for maximum booty comfort.

No. I was wondering if you could move it.

Your wheel's on my husband's foot!

Of course. It's easy. You just lift it.

Agh! There we are.

Sorry, mate. So, can it go up hills?

No.

Can it go down hills?

Most certainly. If anything, it's too good at that.

It doesn't have any brakes, so, uh, have been one or two crashes.

Shame there isn't another way of making the wheels turn.

Like what?

Like, um, some way of giving you some thrust

without having to walk it along?

Now, THAT would be a good invention.

(LAUGHS) I think you'll find

that THIS is a good invention, thank you very much.

It doesn't need thrusts and brakes.

Oi! get off that thing. Who, me? On my velocipede?

His dandy horse. I care what it's called.

It's a blooming nuisance.

Riding these on the pavement's banned.

So I'm going to take you in. Oh!

Dandy horse away! But it's not called that!

You're on my husband's foot again!

That's nasty, that.

I wouldn't walk on that if I was you.

Do you know what you need?

Dandy horse, mate.

Good morning! Annie Cohen Kopchovsky here.

You find me on day one

of my attempt to cycle around the globe,

Sponsored by the kind people

at Londonderry Lithia Spring Water Company.

I've even changed my name to Annie Londonderry.

Plus, I've sold advertising on my clothing.

And wait till you see my bloomers.

Ooh!

So why am I doing this?

Well, two idiot men had a bet

that no woman could cycle around the world,

so I'm here to prove them wrong.

Plus, I will win $10,000 in a wager if I make it.

When I make it.

To be honest, I've never really cycled before.

But I'm sure I'll be fiiiine...

Agh! (CRASH!)

I finally made it from Boston to New York,

and now all the way here to Chicago.

So where are you off to next, Annie?

Oh, well, France, would you believe?

In fact, I don't suppose you know

how to get there from here in Chicago.

All you gotta do is cycle all the way back to New York

and jump on a ship.

Back?

All the way back to New York. Back?

OK. Thank you, sir. Back to New York.

See you later.

Hello from Marseilles!

This is Pierre.

Say bonjour, Pierre. Bonjour, Pierre.

Ah! Him and a couple of his friends tried to rob me,

but they soon set me free

when they realised I didn't have anything.

Isn't that right, Pierre?

Oui. Kind of regretting that now, but...

Keep in touch, yeah?

Annie?

I've always wanted to visit Japan and China.

And here in Dalian,

I kind of get to do both

because they're fighting a war over it.

(GUNSHOT) Agh...ow!

Well, you can't cycle across oceans, can you?

You find me here in Stockton, California,

back in the US of A.

(COUGHS)

I had a little scrape with a runaway horse and cart.

Can I leave yet, doc?

MAN: No! What does he know?

Hoo! Oh, no.

I made it.

The first woman to cycle around the world.

Heh. Laters, haters.

Ho... Ah.

Can somebody get me a cushion?

I don't know if I'll ever sit down again.

Bicycles?

Ugh!

They weren't regal enough for a queen like me to travel on.

I preferred something a little more grand,

which is why I was actually the first ever British monarch

to travel by train.

Choo-choo!

Albert, I'm having second thoughts.

It's so dangerous. Don't worry, Victoria.

You're just nervous because

you haven't been on a train journey before.

But the speed! It only goes at...

..44 miles an hour.

It's just a short journey from Slough to London and...

Oh, we're moving! OK.

Is there a chance that you're a teensy, weensy bit nervous,

darling, Albert?

No. I've taken the train many times.

You know how interested I am in new technology.

Agh! My life flashed before my eyes.

It was all green.

I think that was just a tree, babe.

Might be worth saying "Not quite so fast next time, conductor."

Mm? I'm actually rather charmed by it.

Oh! let's. Ask the driver if we can go via the seaside.

Driver?

I'm afraid it doesn't work like that, dear.

The train is on tracks,

the driver can't simply choose where to go.

What an extraordinary way to travel.

Oh, look! Lots of people have come out to say hello.

How do you do? How do you do? How do you do? How do you...

It's not a very good way to meet the public, is it?

We should ask the driver to go back so we can speak to them properly.

Driver!

At these startling speeds, my dear,

those people are already a mile away.

Oh, well, we are going to have to go back anyway.

I've left the cake at home.

Windsor Castle, please, driver!

Remember, the train is on tracks.

If we wish to go back, we have to go to the end of the line

and turn the train around.

Oh, and please stop talking about food.

Oh! Look at the countryside whizzing by!

Yeah, I'd really rather not.

OK, fine. I suppose we're nearly there.

Better have our picnic.

Oh, cow's tongue!

Oh...

(RETCHES)

We need to turn around.

Oh, darling, I'm afraid that isn't how it works.

It's on tracks, you see.

You'll catch on.

Good day. I'm here in 1863,

where the London Underground has just opened.

(COUGHS)

Yes. Yes. We've now got special underground tunnels

that can transport people halfway across the city.

Sadly, we're using the same steam-blowing engines

that we use up in the open air down here in the tunnels.

The smell and smoke down here is awful.

So, what did the train guards petition the company

to be allowed to do to protect themselves from the fumes?

Was it:

The answer is A -

the guards asked to be allowed to grow beards.

(COUGHS) Oh, it really is a triumph of engineering.

Just a shame I can't see it through all the smoke.

(COUGHS)

Probably the most popular form of transport is the car.

There are over a billion around the world,

and most of them aren't very good for the environment.

They use fossil fuels and release harmful emissions.

(FARTS) Oh!

We all do it!

I try to protect the planet whenever I can

by walking or riding a bike instead of driving a car.

Also, people tend to stare when they see a rat driving.

(LAUGHS)

Of course, when the first car came out in 1885,

it didn't look much like cars do now.

To be honest, I can't believe this thing ever caught on.

Say guten tag to the Benz First Class,

the very first practical, available-to-buy car.

That's right, I said car,

not carrrr-t.

The Benz Patent-Motorwagen

is a three-wheel, steering rod-controlled,

petrol-driven,

savage monster of a horseless carriage.

There's nothing green about this beauty

unless that's the colour you're buying it in.

It's a vehicle so new and impressive

that inventor Karl Benz's own local newspaper

said it was useless, ridiculous and indecent.

Except they said it in German,

which just looks like a cat walked across a typewriter.

Needless to say, the government busybodies

have insisted that when using the UK model,

you have a chap like this walking in front of you, waving a red flag.

Guten morgen.

Hier ist meine rote Flagge.

Gobbledegook.

The Benz Patent-Motorwagen

can do speeds of over nine miles an hour,

and can go from 0 to 2 miles an hour faster than you can say,

"What's that roaring sound?"

For my money, this First Class Benz

is the greatest human achievement

since Sir William Wheel created the...wheel, probably.

But don't take my word for it.

Let's hear it from an expert.

This is Bertha Benz.

Wie geht's?

Literally means nothing.

It means "how's it going?"

but you're clearly too ignorant to know that.

Thank you very much.

My name is Bertha Benz,

the inventor Karl Benz's wife and colleague.

I drove this car on its first long-distance journey

when I travelled over 80km to visit my mother.

Well, there you go - a complex machine

so simple even a rank amateur like her can have a go.

It's incredibly complicated.

We had to stop at a chemist along the road to get petrol,

because that was the only place that sold it.

And, when the car broke down,

I managed to fix it with my hairpin and my underwear.

What, because you can't use real tools?

So the...

So there we have it, the 1885 Benz Patent-Motorwagen.

It may be the first car,

but it definitely won't be the last one like it

we see on the market.

I'm betting they're going to get sleeker and faster,

but, luckily for now, I can outrun this one.

Schnell! Agh!

Anyone know the German for 'slow down'?

Coming soon...

I used to go through life walking slow.

Oh, that isn't me.

But that is.

I'm Walter Arnold, and I'm a speed demon.

I don't know who that other guy is, just to be clear.

He must be going at eight miles an hour!

And I can go one more faster than that.

Now I've got an automobile,

my life's one endless, high-octane road trip.

Oi! You can't go at that speed in town!

The limit's two miles an hour!

Slow down or I'll charge you with speeding.

You'll have to catch me first!

Fine.

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

I'm a speed demon.

Hear the roar of my engine!

Eat my dust, copper!

I'm right behind you.

Dream on, cyclist.

Oh, I thought I was going faster than that.

I was the fastest man of 1896.

But I wasn't fast enough.

Impressive cycling. What's the charge?

Driving at over two miles per hour.

Hah! I'll be back on the street in no time.

I'm also charging you with

not having three persons in control of the vehicle,

not having your name and address in the vehicle,

and using a locomotive without a horse.

What? Are those real charges?

Yeah, I think so.

You're actually the first person

who's ever been charged with speeding.

Unbelievable.

I'm the first...

..and I'm furious.

The First And The Furious.

Having conquered travel on land and sea

it's time for some blue-sky thinking.

That's right. I'm talking about flying.

And, way before planes,

people took to the sky in hot air balloons.

The first balloon flight was in France in 1783.

And the passengers weren't people,

but a sheep, a duck and a cockerel.

Where was my invite? (SCOFFS)

Balloon mania took off,

and soon people were going on big, ambitious adventures.

Ooh!

There it is, Monsieur Jeffries -

the coast of France.

You can feel very proud.

Your American money

has paid for the first cross-Channel hot air balloon flight in history.

Thanks to your French expertise, Mr Blanchard! (LAUGHS)

Our names will go down in history.

The first people to fly from England to France.

We are the perfect team. Yes, we are.

Ah! The skies! Yes.

The birds! Yes.

And the sea, so close you can nearly touch it.

Yes.

Wait. What do you mean, close?

Ah! We're too heavy.

We must get rid of everything that we do not need.

You, jump out.

How dare you, sir!

Whoa!

Can we lose the wings?

But if we lose the wings, it won't look anything like a bird.

You're right. They're completely useless.

What about the oars?

No, we're still too low. Look!

We're going to smash into that cliff!

OK. Take off your clothes.

What? For the weight!

Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. OK.

It's not enough.

My nerves are making me need the little balloonist's room.

That's it!

Wee in these bottles and then throw them over the side!

(WATER TRICKLES) Oh...

Ah...

(WATER CONTINUES TRICKLING)

(WATER CONTINUES TRICKLING) Ooh...

Still going. Mm-hm.

Ah! Wow.

2.5 litres of pee-pee!

I didn't know I'd been holding it in for so long.

Oh, watch out for the fisherman. Ah, whatever.

(THUD!) MAN: Sacre bleu!

We... We did it! We're rising!

(LAUGHS)

We really are the perfect team.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Eugh.

Watch out for those trees. Agh!

Well, Blanchard, we're alive,

and we've successfully made the crossing.

You must be so happy.

I'd be happier if I hadn't just landed in a fir tree

with no trousers on!

My underwear is all full of needles.

Jeffries, someone's coming.

Well, it seems like an angry French fishermen

with 2.5 litres of pee-pee.

You dropped this.

I thought I'd give it back to you.

Wow.

That's a lot of pee-pee.

# Loo Man, Loo Man

# The living toilet who ran

# From the Middle Ages

# With a bucket so that you can

# Have a poo in a private place

# Sitting on my bucket with a cape to hide your face

# And bum

# And when you're done

# I will charge depending if you did a two or one

# Loo Man! #

ANNOUNCER: Please welcome today's historical figure

who really needs the loo -

Amy Johnson.

(APPLAUSE)

Greetings, friend.

Are you Amy Johnson, famous British pilot from the 1930s

and first woman to fly solo from London to Australia?

Yes, I am.

I fly a little Gipsy Moth biplane I call Jason.

(FARTING) Oh, I'm so sorry.

I REALLY need to unload some cargo.

Don't touch that! I don't know what it does.

Not to worry. You're in the right place.

Because I am...

..Loo Man! (APPLAUSE)

During World War Two,

you flew planes all over Britain

to make sure they were in the right place for the war effort.

An important job.

But where do you do your jobs? (FARTING)

Well, when I flew from England to Australia,

I stopped off in Baghdad,

and I was so desperate, I just peed on the runway.

Well, that doesn't need to happen here.

As long as you answer two questions about your life!

It's time for Plop Quiz!

(APPLAUSE) Now...

Answer questions one and two and I'll let you do a...

Poo!

Fine. But can we please hurry it along a little?

My tyres are almost touching the runway. (FARTING)

Question number one.

On your long-distance flights,

did you have any proper disasters?

Well, when I was flying across the Atlantic,

we ran out of fuel and landed in a bog.

Bog? As in the toilet?

Oh, no. No. Sorry.

I understand where the confusion came. I mean a swamp.

OK, well, question number two.

(LAUGHTER) Gets me every time.

If you're in a plane for a long time,

how do you fit in your toilet time?

Uh, well, I have something called a pee tube.

And if I need to go, I just wee into that. (FARTING)

Ooh...

Is this nearly over?

I've got a very heavy bomber in there,

and it's really pushing on the hangar doors.

You have done more than enough.

You may pass... Oh!

..solids. (GROANS, FARTING)

Join me next time,

when I'll be stopping more historical celebrities from having a poo

to ask them questions just for you.

Bombs away!

Oh!

Amy Johnson was one of the many brave women and men

whose courage, imagination and spirit of adventure

helped us take to the skies.

Thanks to her, and the many who came before and after,

it wasn't long before the idea of flying was really taking off.

# Let's all get this right

# We're talking about flight

# Started in Asia with a kite

# Mm, mm

# Things were looking bright.

# Mm, mm

# Da Vinci was keen

# Drew a flying machine

# But it was never seen

# Mm, mm

# Flight remained his dream

# Mm, mm

# And very soon the

# First hot air balloon in

# France took to the skies

# With animals on board

# People weren't prepared to risk their lives

# Then balloons are all the rage, rage, rage, rage, rage.

# Blanchard took centre stage, stage, stage, stage, stage

# Wrote himself a history page, page, page, page, page

# By taking off

# Taking off

# Then the glider's on the scene, scene, scene, scene, scene

# Then an airship powered by steam, steam, steam, steam, steam

# Flight was no longer a dream, dream, dream, dream, dream

# Taking off

# It's taking off

# Then into the limelight

# Stepped the brothers Wright

# They really hit the heights

# Mm, mm

# First motor-powered flight

# Mm, mm

# Bleriot took the chance.

# Flew to England from France

# Harriet Quimby followed soon

# Mm, mm

# The first woman, to boot

# Mm, mm

# Those planes kept cruising

# Distances improving

# Soon pilots were flying

# 'Cross new skies

# The first transatlantic flights

# The first plane to touch down, down, down, down, down

# John Alcock and Arthur Brown, Brown, Brown, Brown, Brown

# Then Lindbergh claimed the solo crown, crown, crown, crown, crown

# Taking off

# We're taking off

# Amelia Earhart did the same, same, same, same, same

# And Amy Johnson flew her plane, plane, plane, plane, plane

# Long-distance records were her aim, aim, aim, aim, aim

# She flew to Oz

# Flew to Oz?

# Then we had to fly to space, space, space, space, space

# To get there was a race, race, race, race, race

# Walking on the moon to place, place, place, place, place

# Blasting off

# We're blasting off

# Now the future's coming soon, soon, soon, soon, soon

# A space tourism boom, boom, boom, boom, boom

# Maybe living on the moon, moon, moon, moon, moon

# Taking off

# We're taking off! #

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation