Original subtitles

SONG: # Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians

# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights

# Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description

# Cutthroat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes

# Punishment from ancient times

# Romans - rotten, rank and ruthless

# Cavemen - savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages

# Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that

# And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to

# Horrible Histories. #

VOICEOVER: Horrible Histories presents:

History is filled with brilliant brains who've changed our lives

with their amazing ideas, theories and inventions.

And my Victorian age was stuffed with them.

Charles Dickens transformed writing. I love his stuff.

Florence Nightingale basically created modern nursing.

You're welcome.

And Charles Darwin revolutionised scientific theory.

Two of them also had great facial hair.

Not all of our Victorian brainboxes' ideas were winners, though.

Polish eye doctor L.L. Zamenhof, for example,

thought he'd invented a way of bringing about world peace.

Spoiler alert - he hadn't.

(CLEARS THROAT) Friends.

You represent the great countries of the world.

And I believe that I have the answer for creating world peace.

Really, Dr Zamenhof? (LAUGHS)

How is an unknown Polish eye doctor

going to come up with a plan for world peace?

We all speak different languages.

Half of the group can't understand what you're saying.

See?

There's the answer.

I believe that the world's problems are down to poor communication.

So I've come up with a new language.

It's simple and easy to learn and will become the language

of international communication.

Let me tell you a little bit about it.

# Any sort of fighting, I abhor

# We need to find a way to prevent war

# And I think that language is the solution

# Ah-ah-ah

# A peaceful way of resolving things

# There's no need for more battling

# Here's a way to stop this confusion

# Esperanto

# It's a language that I created in Poland

# A way that we can keep the conversation flowing

# A way of talking that will only keep on growing

# Esperanto

# It's a simple language to unite the people

# It's a way of speaking that'll make us equal

# We can sort out problems in a way that's peaceful

# It's easy to learn There's no crazy grammar

# It follows simple rules everyone can understand, yeah?

# A mixture of languages

# But here's the surprise

# There are some words

# You might recognise

# A bird is 'birdo'

# Cat is 'kato'

# A cake is 'kuko'

# Baby is 'bebo'

# Club is 'klubo'

# River, 'rivero'

# Music, 'muziko'

# Problem, 'problemo'

# Stop me if I'm wrong I wouldn't want to offend

# You're just taking a word and sticking an O on the end

# I see why you've said that

# There's really more to it

# Don't be put off Everyone here can do it

# Esperanto

# It's a language that I created in Poland

# A way that we can keep the conversation flowing

# A way of talking that will only keep on growing

# Esperanto

# It's a simple language to unite the people

# It's a way of speaking that'll make us equal

# We can sort out problems in a way that's peaceful

# Esperanto. #

Any questions?

I wonder if rat is 'rato' in Esperanto.

I guess we'll never know...o.

(LAUGHS)

Welcome to our look at some brilliant historical brains.

And here to help us out is someone who seems to know everything.

It's actual Chaser The Beast, Mark Labbett.

Hello, Mark. Hello, Rattus.

Let's test your brainiac credentials, then.

When was the Battle of Hastings? 1066.

Ooh! You ARE good.

What's the biggest organ in the human body?

The skin. Speedy!

Who is the next sketch about?

What?!

How am I supposed to know that? (BUZZER)

Oh! Bad luck, Mark. No.

Hang on. How was I supposed to know that?

You never told me! Alright, mate!

Don't go on about it. No-one likes a sore loser.

The answer is John Wilkins.

In the 17th century, he was a member of the Royal Society,

a place where the brainboxes of the time went to swap ideas.

And it was there that Wilkins presented an amazing idea

that we still use today,

just not quite in the same way he thought we would.

What's the capital of Ecuador? I'm not playing anymore.

(SIGHS) But it's Quito.

(GASPS) Nice!

And so, I am delighted to present to you,

fellow members of the Royal Society,

my design for a submarine ark.

MAN: Ooh!

JOHN: A boat that travels under the water.

Ooh! (LAUGHS)

Now, this ark, or "submarine boat", could change everything.

Imagine a vessel that could travel to any coast in the world

completely undetected.

Ooh!

It won't be affected by the tides OR threatened by the ice

when crossing under the poles.

Cool.

There's just one problem,

which may mean this boat can never be built.

I refer, of course, to how you deal with...

..when you need to go.

Go where?

I know. On a voyage.

Oh! JOHN: No, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm talking about the toilet.

The little dolphins' room.

What do you do with the doo-doo?

Oh. The poo.

I'm not sure we need the diagram.

JOHN: I disagree.

Imagine you're in a submarine and you're having a poo.

Are you imagining it?

Yes, I think I've...got it.

Good. Now, what do you do with the poo?

Throw it out the window? (LAUGHS) No, well, you'll be under the sea.

Water would flood in and sink the boat.

True, but...

..I have the answer.

What is it?

It's a poo-collecting bag.

It would be attached to a hole in the submarine.

You simply pop your poop inside, close it up at one end,

release the other

and hey presto - away goes the poo.

Poo aside, Wilkins, I believe

you've actually invented some kind of airlock.

This could be revolutionary. I know, right?

Super-pooper. (SIGHS) WOMAN: No, no, no.

But you could use the same system to stock up with food and fuel

without ever having to come to the surface.

Yes - a boat could lower them in from above

and you could take them in through the hole!

This isn't just for poos. This could be used for everything.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, right?

It's just a poo bag,

for getting rid of poo.

Do you want a demonstration?

It's really simple. Look, you hold the bag out, right?

Oh, absolutely not! Oh!

Look, Wilkins, this submarine is a triumph,

but your poo bags stink.

Alright, fine.

But in the future, if you're ever in a submarine boat

and you feel a poo coming on, don't come crying to me!

(FLATULENCE) Ooh! Ooh.

I, um, had a big lunch.

Oh, it's...just reached me. Oh!

VOICEOVER: Head teacher Ruth Thomas is looking for a new physics teacher

after Miss Evan's shoelaces got caught in Class 9F's rocket

and she suddenly relocated to Norfolk.

Welcome to Historical Educating.

I'm quite excited about our new supply teacher.

He was such an important scientific figure

that he has more things named after him than almost anyone else.

Humboldt Mountains. Humboldt Park.

Humboldt City.

Then there's even a part of the moon called Mare Humboldtianum.

Yeah.

VOICEOVER: Class 7F's new teacher is Alexander von Humboldt.

Morgen.

KIDS: Good morning, Mr Alexander von Humboldt.

Now, hands up who wants to help me with a scientific experiment.

Me! Me! Yeah. Toby.

(CRACKLING) Ow!

Very interesting. Who else would like to help?

No. OK.

TOBY: Mr von Humboldt

experiments with animals and electricity,

which doesn't seem right,

because that's what Stephen Wilkins in 7P got excluded for.

Here we have

a beautiful dead bird - ja?

Well, who here wants to see if we can

bring this birdie back to life with some electricity?

Yeah!

Let's do this! (CRACKLING AND POPPING)

Well, that didn't work.

RUTH: He's such a science legend.

In fact, there's over 100 animals named after him,

like the Humboldt squid. (LAUGHS)

Sir, that doesn't look very safe.

(LAUGHS) Don't worry. I've done this test before.

Sticking wire up your bottom

is a perfectly valid scientific test.

Nothing can happen to me

unless someone switches on the light.

Mr von Humboldt, what do you think you're doing?!

ALL: No!

(CRACKLING) (SCREAMS)

Wow! How would you say that went?

Pretty good.

Look, I don't know what the fuss is about.

Thanks to my experiment, we now know

that electrocuting yourself through the bottom

leads to nausea, cramps,

and it makes you do a little bit of wee.

You're fired, Mr von Humboldt.

You know the way out.

I actually DON'T know the way out.

(BREAKS WIND) Oh!

Excuse me. I seem to have retained a little charge in my buttocks.

Fascinating. (BREAKS WIND) Ow! (CRACKLING)

Ever been tempted to see what happens

if you attach electrodes to YOUR bum, Mark?

What?! No! Of course not.

(CRACKLING) Ugh!

Oh! (COUGHS)

No. Me neither.

I can smell burning fur.

At least you can't FEEL it.

Anyways, it's no surprise that some of history's biggest brains

have tried to tackle history's biggest challenges,

like how to help win wars and how to save lives.

Marie Curie tried to do both.

What do you know about her, Mark?

She was a brilliant Polish-French physicist

who did pioneering work with radioactivity.

Correct.

And during the First World War,

she used her knowledge about X-rays

to try and help soldiers on the front line.

(CRACKLING) Yee! Whoa! Whoa.

(PANTS) Do you need to sit down?

I don't think I'll be sitting down for some time, Mark.

(SIGHS)

What's up?

Marie Curie here - scientist, brainbox

and winner of two Nobel prizes.

Count them!

The science institute where I teach has shut

because all the men have been called up into the French army

to fight against Germany in this Great War.

I really want to help them,

so I am sending...

..X-ray machines to the battlefields,

where doctors can use them to check for broken bones...

(CRACKING) (SCREAMING)

..bits of metal in the wounded soldiers.

(GROANING) Let's go save some lives!

(STRAINS)

Oh, that is very heavy. (LAUGHS) Hashtag...

(STRAINS)

(BREAKS WIND) Oh.

OK. Pas de probleme.

That's French for...'sorted'!

I have simply adapted both the X-ray machines and the ambulance

to serve our purpose!

Whoo-hoo!

(ENGINE STARTS) Let's go!

(HORN HONKS)

(COLLISION)

(PANTS) Hashtag...

Whoops.

OK. Problem solved.

My 17-year-old daughter, Irene,

can do the driving while I am learning.

Pedal to the metal, Irene!

(ENGINE STARTS)

Come on! (HORN HONKS)

(COLLISION)

(PANTS)

Hashtag...

OK. We have made it to the front line and we are ready to go to work!

Uh, Lieutenant, if you can just...

(CRACKLING) Erm...

No. OK.

Uh, if it's just, uh... OK.

So...I have only really taught about X-rays,

I haven't really used the machines before, as such.

(SCREAMING)

(LAUGHS) Hashtag...

Hashtag...

Well, everything has settled down a bit.

And I have organised 200 battlefield X-ray units

and 20 of these mobile X-ray ambulances.

They've even called them Little Curies, after me.

So cute!

So I think I can say I have done my bit.

Au revoir! Come on.

(ENGINE STARTS) Little Curie away!

(HORN HONKS)

(COLLISION)

Hashtag...

Well, Dr Skinner, we're hoping you've come up with something

that will help us to defeat the Nazis.

Gentlemen, I believe I have.

A massive advance in missile accuracy.

Piloted missiles. Piloted?

But who would be stupid enough

to pilot a missile that was gonna explode?

(COOING)

Gentlemen, meet your new pilot.

(PIGEON COOS)

You want a pigeon to fly the bomb?

Of course not!

(LAUGHS) (LAUGHS)

I want THREE pigeons to fly the bomb.

Gentlemen, each pigeon,

harnessed inside the missile, has been trained

to peck at the target when they see it.

This pecking transmits a signal, via the bird's beak,

which controls the bomb's tail fins

and directs it towards the target!

"Oh, nein!

"You've destroyed my Nazi battleship!

"Who would have suspected a pigeon?!

"Oh, somebody give Skinner a promotion."

Are we being pranked? Do you want us to entrust the war to...to birds?

These are no ordinary birds, sir. (PIGEON COOS)

My pigeons are graduates of the Skinner school of aviation.

You created a flying school for pigeons?

Well, they're...they're not gonna train themselves, are they? (LAUGHS)

Who is this guy? (LAUGHS)

Let me show you something. (LAUGHS)

(FIRES GUN REPEATEDLY) Whoa!

What are you doing?!

A demonstration, sir!

Each pigeon has been trained to ignore the distractions of war.

Huh?

(SHUTTER CLICKS) Ow! My eyes!

Ah! My eyes!

(PIGEON COOS) See? It didn't even flinch.

Thank you, Dr Skinner.

We have heard enough.

I'm sorry to disappoint you, but it's a terrible idea.

I'm sure implementing your pigeon plan

would have been a real...COUP.

And I don't want you to get in a FLAP...

(PIGEON COOS AND FLAPS)

..but it's time for you and your pigeons to TAKE OFF.

Hey. Where did that pigeon go?

(FLATULENCE)

(PIGEON COOS)

I told you they were trained to hit enemy targets.

OK. So not all wartime ideas were winners.

You know, Mark, some people say pigeons are like rats with wings.

Talk about a compliment!

I'd make a great pigeon.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(COOS)

Let's move on to a brilliant wartime brain

who really did change all our lives.

Alan Turing. Oh, good call!

He helped crack an unbreakable Nazi code in World War II

and turned the tide of the war.

However, not everything this genius did was quite as clever.

(COOS)

You know... (LAUGHS)

..I didn't expect Alan Turing,

one of the geniuses who cracked the secret Nazi code,

a top computing wizard,

to be quite so...eccentric.

What do you mean, eccentric?

Well, at work, you keep your mug

chained to a radiator.

That's not eccentric. That's clever.

It means I know exactly where my mug is at all times.

And you hold your trousers up with string.

Yeah, well, of course I do!

They fall down without it.

One time, I saw you cycle to work wearing a gasmask.

Well, that's to stop me getting hay fever.

And it works.

Then there's the fact you've got us

pushing an empty baby buggy around the woods.

I've got to put the treasure in something when I find it, haven't I?

Treasure? Yes.

You see, back in 1940, I discovered

that silver would be worth more after the war.

OK.

Now, so I took my life savings and converted them

into two heavy silver ingots.

Now, that IS clever.

I then came into the woods, buried the silver, and now...

..we are going to dig it up again. (SIGHS)

And you remember, where you buried it?

That's the cleverest part.

I don't need to.

I designed a code to tell me where the treasure is.

And it's so devilishly difficult

that only I can crack it.

All I need to do is solve the code

and we'll know where the silver's buried.

Well? What does the code say?

Erm...

..just a minute.

You can't crack the code, can you?

Of course I can!

I've cracked some of the most fiendish codes ever created!

What, you really think I can't crack my own code?!

Alright, fine!

I haven't a clue!

Curse past me for being cleverer than future me!

Let's hire a metal detector. No.

I remember...it was by a big tree.

(BIRD CALLS)

Would you like me to get that metal detector?

Yes, please. Yep.

And a belt. Yeah.

Ni hao. Confucius here.

Teacher, philosopher,

writer of nifty sayings, such as,

"When the wind blows, the grass bends."

(BREAKS WIND)

But what you may not know is I also turned my mind to

the serious subject of food.

I had some very strong views, such as

you should always eat meat

with its proper sauce.

And, of course,

I hate peaches!

No! Seriously! (GAGS)

Say no to peaches!

Down with peaches! (THUNDER CRASHES)

Oh, no, wait. It's a plum.

Panic over.

SONG: # Yeah! #

Hi. I'm Buzz Aldrin, and I walked on the moon.

That wouldn't have been possible without brainboxes studying the stars

and working out how to get me there.

As far back as the ancient Greek times,

people were staring up at the heavens

and trying to understand how space might work,

although the people around them at the time

weren't always ready to understand their genius.

(BREAKS WIND) Eugh!

I wish they'd also thought of a way of letting THOSE out of a spacesuit.

(OWL HOOTS)

Attention, people of Thessaly.

I, Aglaonice, have been studying the moon

as I help develop a science called astronomy.

Astrono what now? The science of the stars.

And today, I'm able to give you the perfect example

of the uses of this science.

Yay! Can you juggle?

There was a juggler last week. Oh, he was great.

Top-class entertainer. Yeah.

N...no. No. (LAUGHS)

But this is much more exciting than juggling.

Using astronomy, I can predict when there will be a full moon,

and I can predict a lunar eclipse.

What? Like when the moon disappears or changes colour? (LAUGHS)

Sure you can. (LAUGHTER)

I predict that there will be a lunar eclipse right...

..now.

(GASPING AND MOANING)

Oh!

Uh-hee!

See? Astronomy IS pretty cool, right?

She's changed the moon!

AGLAONICE: What?

No! I just told you WHEN it would change.

It's gonna be back to normal in a second.

(WOMAN GASPS) AGLAONICE: See?

(SCREAMING)

She's a moon witch!

What?! Oh, please!

Don't use your moon witch powers

against us!

I'm not a witch. I just love astronomy.

And I'm, like, really clever.

You wouldn't act like this if I was a man.

That's exactly what a moon witch WOULD say!

(MOANING)

Please do not hurt us, oh, moon witch!

Look. Let me explain.

(SCREAMS) Her face has gone! (MOANING)

She's gone and vanished it with her moon witchy powers.

What?! No! Her face is back!

It was gone! Now it's back! She can make her face go and come at will.

MAN 2: Right. Come on, guys. This is silly.

Stop worrying about moon powers.

Thank you!

If we worship her,

she may use her powers for good.

I'm not a moon witch! CROWD: Whoa!

I'm just an astronomer who's devoted years to understanding the stars!

We have angered her! MAN 2: Beware her wrath!

Please, tell us about your astronomy,

if it will so please you,

oh, moon witch.

Tell us your boring information.

OK. It's quite simple, really.

The moon, it goes through several of what we call phases,

starting with the new moon and then the first quarter.

(YAWNS) And then, um...

Shall we see if that juggler's on somewhere else?

All of which I control with my moony witchy powers.

(SCREAMING) I knew it!

She's gonna turn us all into moon frogs!

At least they're listening, I guess. (MOANING)

(VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS PLAY)

(US ACCENT) Hi.

I'm Katherine Johnson,

and my marvellous mind helped me graduate from college

with degrees in math and French

at just 18 years old.

Mm-hm, mm-hm!

I believe that mathematics is out of this world,

which is why I joined the American space agency NASA.

I worked on the mathematics of space flight

and helped NASA to launch a rocket to orbit the Earth

and then land on the moon.

I was so good at math,

the astronaut John Glenn said my mind was smarter than a computer.

Before his 1962 mission to orbit the Earth,

he refused to fly until I had personally double-checked

the computer's calculations.

Although... (SIGHS)

..if I am really smarter than a computer...

(VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS PLAY)

..how come I can never win this game?

(VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS PLAY)

Oh!

Just five more minutes, then I will definitely get back to work.

(VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS PLAY)

Probably.

VOICE: Game over. Oh! Damn!

SONG: # Yeah! #

SONG: # Loo Man, Loo Man

# The living toilet who ran

# From the Middle Ages with a bucket so that you can

# Have a poo in a private place

# Sitting on my bucket

# With a cape to hide your face

# And bum

# And when you're done, I will charge

# Depending if you did a two or one

# Loo Man! #

VOICEOVER: Please welcome today's historical figure

who really needs the loo,

Ada Lovelace!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (BREAKS WIND)

Greetings, friend. (LAUGHTER)

Oh! What is this?

Are you Ada Lovelace,

the super-brainy 19th-century writer and mathematician?

Well, yes, but, um...

Then I...

..am Loo Man.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

I'm sorry, I was under the impression that this was

the little mathematicians' room. (BREAKS WIND)

I really, really need to... (BREAKS WIND)

Ada Lovelace, you have,

via means we do not need to go into right now,

travelled through time from the 19th century

to use my first-rate toilet facilities.

(LAUGHTER) Oh, marvellous. Where are they?

Well, that's them. (INSECTS BUZZ)

People are usually quite impressed by them.

Really? (LAUGHTER)

Answer questions one and two and I'll let you do a...

AUDIENCE: Poo!

It's Plop Quiz time. (FLATULENCE)

What?! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Mathematician Ada Lovelace.

You must answer two questions about your life

before you may work out your pressing logarithm.

(LAUGHTER) Fine. Just get on with it!

(BREAKS WIND) Question number one.

What is your weirdest secret?

Well...

..when I was a teenager, I developed an irrational fear of...

(BREAKS WIND) ..beds, and so I slept on the floor.

(BREAKS WIND) That is pretty weird.

Question number two. (LAUGHTER)

Tell us a little-known fact about you, Ada Lovelace.

Well, I...I worked with my friend the inventor...

(BREAKS WIND) ..Charles Babbage.

Uh, I described how he could program his computational machine

to solve complex calculations. (BREAKS WIND)

Charles Babbage is remembered as the inventor of something

called a...computer.

(LAUGHTER)

And you're remembered as one of the first computer programmers.

Yes, that's right! I've...I've done your questions. Now, gangway!

You may pass. Oh!

Join us next time, when I'll be stopping more historical celebs...

(BREAKS WIND) Ahh!

..from doing a poo to ask questions...

(BREAKS WIND) ..just for you.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (BREAKS WIND)

Your ones and twos are really adding up there, Ada.

(LAUGHTER)

Strange guy, Loo Man.

We've got something in common, you know.

Is it the smell?

No! We both look good in a cape.

What do you mean, the smell?

Charming! Well, you do live in the sewer.

Mmm. That's fair.

Well, we've come to the end, and I suppose the best advice

if you want to be a brilliant brain like that lot

is to try your best.

Be creative. Think OUTSIDE the box.

And be as unusual as you like.

This lady certainly did that.

12th-century German nun Hildegarde von Bingen

was a brainy pioneer who did a bit of everything.

She's like NUN other, Mark.

(DRUM AND CYMBAL STING PLAYS) You know, 'cause she...she's a nun.

That's a terrible joke.

Don't make a HABIT of it.

(DRUM AND CYMBAL STING PLAYS) (LAUGHS)

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

# Since the age of seven

# I've been living in the nunnery

# Hildegarde von Bingen, that is me

# I'm quite brainy-y-y

# 'Cause I feel inspired

# So many ideas bursting through

# My brain hums with things to do

# Every day... #

(COUGHS)

# I look around and the sick need meds to cure them

# I write mine down in book form

# Let's spread our knowledge round the vuh-huh-horld

# And I say

# Ooh

# I'm guided by insights

# My mind is firing

# I've got to note this down

# Und I say Ooh

# So many books to write

# Got to share all of this

# Knowledge that I've found

# For a bit of fun

# I made up a secret language... #

(FLATULENCE)

What dog?

# And music is my thing

# I write hymns and chants to sing

# The first musical morality play

# Ja, I say

# I look around and the natural world astounds me

# Note down all that surrounds me... #

Wrote nine volumes!

# Think I covered everything

# Und I say Ooh

# My mind is feeling bright

# Yes, I'm a woman, but I've got knowledge too

# I'm writing letters every day # Letters every day

# To popes and emperors to say # Emperors to say

# "If you listen, I can show you a better vay"

# Und I say

# Ooh

# I'm guided by insights

# My mind is firing

# Hope I'm inspiring you

# Und I say

# Ooh

# The future's looking bright

# If we can think it

# We could make it true. #

I, Aglao...

I've forgotten my name. (LAUGHTER)

What you do with...

OK. That's more difficult than it looks.

And helped NASA to launch a rocket to the orbid...

(LAUGHTER)

SONG: # The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed

# Horrible Histories. #

Captions by Red Bee Media