Original subtitles

MAN ON TV: I'm afraid your services won't be required here, sir!

My men have examined the evidence,

and this is obviously an accident.

(QUACKING)

What?

ANNOUNCER: Duck-tective will return after these messages.

That duck is a genius.

Eh. It's easier to find clues when you're that close to the ground.

Are you saying you could outwit Duck-tective?

Mabel, I have very keen powers of observation.

For example, just by smelling your breath,

I can tell that you have been eating...

(SNIFFS) ...an entire tube of toothpaste?

It was so sparkly.

Hey, dudes. You'll never guess what I found!

-Buried treasure! -Buried...

(LAUGHS) Hey, I was gonna say that!

So I was cleaning up

when I found this secret door hidden behind the wallpaper.

It's crazy-bonkers creepy!

(HINGES SQUEAK)

Whoa! It's a secret wax museum.

They're so life-like!

-Except for that one. -Hello!

(KIDS SCREAM)

(CHUCKLES) It's just me, your Grunkle Stan!

(ALL SCREAM LOUDER)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Behold the Gravity Falls Wax Museum.

It was one of our most popular attractions,

before I forgot all about it.

I got 'em all! Genghis Khan, Sherlock Holmes,

some kinda, I don't know, goblin man.

(SHUDDERS) Is anyone else getting the creeps here?

And now, for my personal favorite, Wax Abraham Lincoln!

Right over... Oh, no, come on! Who left the blinds open?

Wax John Wilkes Booth, I'm looking in your direction!

How do you fix a wax figure?

Cheer up, Grunkle Stan! Where's that smile?

-Meh. -Bep bop hoop.

Ow.

Don't worry, Grunkle Stan,

I'll make you a new wax figure from all this old wax!

You really think you could make one of these puppies?

Grunkle Stan, I'm an arts and crafts master.

Why do you think I always have this glue gun stuck to my arm?

(GRUNTS)

I like your gumption, kid!

I don't know what that word means, but thank you!

'Dipper! '(COUGHS)

What do you think of my wax figure idea?

She's part fairy princess and part horse fairy princess.

Maybe you should carve something from real life.

Like a waffle with big arms!

Okay. Or, you know, something else. Like someone in your family.

Kids, have you seen my pants?

Oh, Muse, you work in mysterious ways!

Why's your sister talking to the ceiling?

I think it needs more glitter.

Ag reed.

I found my pants, but now I'm missing my...

(SCREAMING)

What do you think?

I think the wax museum's back in business!

I can't believe this many people showed up!

I know, right? Your uncle probably bribed 'em or something.

He bribed me!

(BOTH LAUGH)

(COUGHS)

(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)

You all know me, folks, town darlin', Mr. Mystery.

Please, ladies, control yourselves.

(FLIES BUZZING)

As you know, I always bring the people of this fair town

novelties and befuddlements,

the likes of which the world has never known.

But enough about me.

Behold, me!

(FAN FARE PLAYING)

Ye-ah! Ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ah!

(COUGHING)

And now a word from our own Mabelangelo.

It's Mabel.

Thank you for coming!

I made this sculpture with my own two hands!

It's covered in my blood, sweat, tears, and other fluids.

-Ugh! -ALL: Ewww!

Heh heh. Yeah. I will now take questions. You there!

Old Man McGucket, local kook.

Are the wax figures alive, and follow up question,

can I survive the Wax Man uprising?

Um... Yes! Next question.

Toby Determined, Gravity Falls Gossiper.

Do you really think this constitutes a wonder of the world?

Your microphone's a turkey baster, Toby.

-It certainly is. -Next question!

Shandra Jimenez, a real reporter.

Your fliers promised free pizza with admission to this event.

Is this true?

MAN 1: That's what I heard. MAN 2: Come on!

-Unbelievable! -What a rip-off.

Pizza? I want my pizza.

That was a typo. Goodnight, everyone!

(ALL YELLING ANGRILY)

(SIGHS)

In your face!

I'm not coming back here.

I think that went well.

Hot pumpkin pie! Look at all this cash!

I owe it all to one person.

This guy!

Oh! (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, you too, you little gremlin.

Now you kids wash up.

We got another long day of fleecing rubes tomorrow. Go! Go!

(SIGHS) Kids.

Well, Duck-tective, it seems you've really quacked the case.

(QUACKING)

(LAUGHS)

Stupid duck. Well, I'm gonna use the john.

You need anything?

(LAUGHS)

I love this guy! Don't you go nowhere.

(WOLF HOWLS DISTANTLY)

(wmo WHISTLES)

Dipper, you wanna do a toothbrush race?

-Okay. -STAN: No, no, no!

Wax Stan, he's been murdered!

(GRANDFATHER CLOCK CHIMES)

(CHIMES)

(CHIMES)

(SWOONS)

(POLICE RADIO CHATTER)

I get up to use the john, right?

And when I come back, blammo! He's headless!

My expert handcrafting, besmirched.

Besmirched!

Who would do something like this?

What's your opinion, Sheriff Blubs?

Look, we'd love to help you folks, but let's face the facts.

This case is unsolvable.

-What? -What?

You take that back, Sheriff Blubs!

You're kidding, right? There must be evidence, motives.

You know, I could help, if you want.

He's really good. He figured out who was eating our tin cans!

All signs pointed to the goat.

Yeah, yeah, let the boy help. He's got a little brain up in his head.

Whoo! Would you look at what we got here!

City Boy thinks he's gonna solve a mystery

with his fancy computer phone.

City Boy! City Boy!

You are adorable!

-Adorable? -(BOTH LAUGH)

He's adorable!

Look, PJs, how about you leave the investigating to the grownups,

okay?

MAN ON RADIO: Attention all units. Steve is going to fit

an entire cantaloupe in his mouth.

Repeat, an entire cantaloupe.

It's a 23-16!

Let's move.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

That's it! Mabel, you and me are going to find the jerk who did this

and get back that head!

Then we'll see who's adorable.

(SNEEZES)

Aww! You sneeze like a kitten.

Wax Stan has lost his head, and it's up to us to find it.

There were a lot of unhappy customers at the unveiling.

The murderer could have been anyone!

Gasp! Even us!

In this town, anything is possible.

Ghosts, zombies... Could be months before we find our first clue.

Hey, look! A clue!

DIPPER: Footprints in the shag carpet.

MABEL: That's weird. They've got a hole in them.

And they're leading to...

(BOTH GASP)

So what do you think?

In my opinion? This is an ax.

Wait a minute. The lumberjack!

-Of course! -Of course!

In your face!

He was furious when he didn't get that free pizza.

Furious enough for murder!

You mean Manly Dan?

Yeah, he hangs out at this crazy intense biker joint downtown.

Then that's where we're going.

Dude, this is awesome. You two are, like, the Mystery Twins.

Don't call us that.

(GRUNTS)

Hey, give me a hand with this coffin, will you?

I'm doing a memorial service for Wax Stan.

Something small but classy.

Sorry, Grunkle Stan, but we've got a big break in the case.

Break in the case!

We're heading into town right now to interrogate the murderer.

We have an ax! (MIMICS HORROR MOVIE MUSIC)

That seems like the kind of thing

a responsible parent wouldn't want you doing.

Good thing I'm an uncle. Avenge me, kids!

Avenge me!

This is the place.

(GASPS)

Got the fake IDs?

Here goes nothing.

Sorry, but we don't serve miners.

Dag-nabbit!

We're here to interrogate Manly Dan the lumberjack

for the murder of Wax Stan.

Deeche-eeche-eet.

Works for me.

MAN 1: Hey, get out of here! MAN 2: Hey, come here, you!

-(PEOPLE YELLING) -He hit me!

(GLASS BREAKING)

(FIGHTING NOISES)

MAN 3: My leg! Please!

He's resting.

All right, let's just try to blend in, okay?

You got it, Dippingsauce!

Hey there, fellow restaurant patron!

Bap!

(GROWLS)

(GRUNTING)

Manly Dan! Just the guy I wanted to see.

Where were you last night?

Punchin' the clock.

-You were at work? -No, I was punching that clock!

10 p.m., the time of the murder.

So, I guess you've never seen this before?

-Listen, little girl... -Actually, I'm...

I wouldn't pick my teeth with that ax. It's left-handed.

I only use my right hand. The manly hand!

Get him, get him! (GIGGLES)

Left-handed.

Three, four, five, six.

Oh! Your wife is gonna be beautiful!

Yes!

Mabel, big break in the case.

But will she love me?

It's a left-handed ax.

These are all our suspects. Manly Dan is right-handed.

That means all we gotta do is find our left-handed suspect,

and we've got our killer!

Oh, man! We are on fire today!

(IMITATES LASER BLASTS)

Let's find that murderer!

(WHISTLES)

(GASPS) Mabel! There's only one person left on this list.

Of course! It all adds up!

(SIREN WAILING)

You kids better be right about this,

or you'll never hear the end of it.

The evidence is irrefutable.

It's so irrefutable.

I'm gonna get to use my nightstick!

You ready? You ready, little fella'?

-Whoo! -Whoo!

On three. One, two...

Nobody move! This is a raid!

What is this? Some kind of raid?

Toby Determined, you're under arrest for the murder

of the wax body of Grunkle Stan!

You have the right to remain impressed

with our awesome detective work.

Gobbling goose feathers! I don't understand!

Then allow me to explain.

You were hoping that Grunkle Stan's new attraction

would be the story that saved your failing newspaper.

But when the show was a flop,

you decided to go out and make your own headline.

But you were sloppy!

And all the clues pointed to a shabby-shoed reporter

who was caught left-handed.

Toby Determined, you're yesterday's news.

Boy, your little knees must be sore from jumping to conclusions!

Ha-cha-cha!

I had nothing to do with that murder.

I knew it! Wait, what did you say? Nothing?

-He said nothing. -What? Could you repeat...

Then where were you the night of the break-in?

Um...

Finally, we can be alone,

cardboard cut-out of female news reporter, Shandra Jimenez!

(SMOOCHES)

-Ew! -Yuck!

Time-stamp confirms it.

Toby, you're off the hook, you freak of nature.

Hurray!

But it has to be him! Check the ax for fingerprints!

No prints at all.

No prints?

I got a headline for you.

"City kids waste everyone's time!"

(LAUGHING)

Boy, I'd be pretty embarrassed if I was you two!

Kids, Soos, lifeless wax figures, thank you all for coming.

(BLOWS NOSE)

Some people might say it's wrong

for a man to love a wax replica of himself.

They're wrong!

Easy, Soos.

Wax Stan, I hope you're picking pockets in wax heaven.

I'm sorry, I've got glitter in my eye!

(sesame) Dude!

(SIGHS) Those cops were right about me.

Dipper, we've come so far. We can't give up now!

But I considered everything, the weapon, the motive, the clues...

(SIGHS)

Wax Stan's shoe has a hole in it.

All the wax guys have that.

It's where the pole-thingy attaches to their stand-dealies.

Wait a minute! What has holes in its shoes and no fingerprints?

Mabel! The murderers are...

Standing right behind you?

Wax Sherlock Holmes! Wax Shakespeare! Wax Coolio?

Wassup, Holmes?

Oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh.

Congratulations, my two amateur sleuths.

You've unburied the truth. And now we're going to bury you!

Bravo, Dipper Pines! You've discovered our little secret.

Applaud, everyone! Applaud sarcastically.

No, that sounds too sincere. Slow clap. There we go.

Nice and condescending.

But how is this possible? You're made of wax!

Are you magic?

Are we magic? She wants to know if we're magic.

We're cursed!

Cursed! Cursed!

Cursed to come to life whenever the moon is waxing!

Your uncle bought us many years ago at a garage sale.

A haunted garage sale, son!

I must warn you, these statues come at a terrible price.

Twenty dollars?

I'll just take 'em when you're not looking.

-What? -I said I was gonna rob you.

SHERLOCK: And so the Mystery Shack wax collection was born.

By day, we would be the playthings of man.

COOLIO: But when your uncle went to sleep, we would rule the night!

-Hey, I told you to stop that. -Make me!

(LAUGHING)

Huh?

SHERLOCK: It was a charmed life for us cursed beings.

That is, until your uncle closed up shop.

We've been waiting ten years to get our revenge on Stan for locking us away.

But we got the wrong guy.

(STAN COUGHING, SPITTING)

So you were trying to murder Grunkle Stan for real?

You were right all along, Dipper. Wax people are creepy!

Enough!

Now that you know our secret, you must die!

(ALL GROWLING)

What do we do? What do we do?

I don't know...

(SCREAMS)

That's it! We can melt them with hotty, melt y things!

Anyone move, and we'll melt you into candles!

Decorative candles!

You really think you can defeat us?

-I don't know. I'm not really sure. -It's worth a shot I guess.

So be it. Attack!

Aaah!

Uhh! Aaah!

(GRUNTS)

Interview this, Larry King!

My neck! My beautiful neck!

-Aah! -Joke's on you, Groucho!

I've heard about a cutting remark, but this is ridiculous!

Why is there nothing in my hand?

(ROARING)

Ha! Genghis Khan, you fell harder than the...

I don't know, Jin Dynasty? Yeah. All right.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

What's up with that?

Dipper, watch out!

All right, let's get this taken care of.

Catch!

Uh... Uh...

Once your family is out of the way,

we'll rule the night once again!

Don't count on it!

Come back here, you brat!

You really think you can outwit me, boy?

I'm Sherlock bleeding Holmes! Have you seen my magnifying glass?

It's enormous!

(EXCLAIMING)

(SIGH OF RELIEF)

Any last words?

Um...

You got any sunscreen?

Got any... What?

(GASPS)

-No. -You know, letting me lead you outside,

probably not your sharpest decision.

Outsmarted by a child in short pants?

[[511

Fiddlesticks! Humbugs!

It's a total kerfuffle! What a hullabaloo...

Case closed!

(SNEEZES) (SHERLOCK LAUGHS)

You sneeze like a kitten.

Those policemen were right, you're adorable. Adorable!

Ew.

Though our group be cleft in twain, man of wax shall rise again!

-You know any limericks? -Uh...

There once was a dude from Kentucky...

'Mine! _ Aah'!

Dipper! You're okay!

You solved the mystery after all.

I couldn't have done it without my sidekick.

No offense, Dipper, but you're the sidekick.

What? Says who? Are people saying that? Have you heard that?

Hot Belgian waffles! What happened to my parlor?

Your wax figures turned out to be evil,

so we fought them to the death!

I decapitated Larry King.

(LAUGHS) You kids and your imaginations.

On the bright side, though, look what we found.

My head! I missed this guy!

You done good, kids!

All right, line up for some affectionate noogy-ing!

I'm not so sure about that.

Is there any other alternative?

(LAUGHS)

Noogie, noogie, noogie.

(POLICE SIREN APPROACHES)

Solved the case yet, boy?

I'm so confident you're gonna say "no,"

that I'm gonna take a long, slow sip from my cup of coffee.

(SLURPING)

Actually, the answer is yes!

(SPUTTERS)

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS)

-It burns! It burns! -My eyes! Drive! Drive!

(ALL LAUGHING)

-They got scalded! -(CAR CRASHES)

So, did you get rid of all of the wax figures?

I am 99% sure that I did!

Good enough for me!

(LAUGHING)

Huh?

So, you're a rat. Tell me about that.

Hey, get back here!

I'm hopping!

I'm hopping after a rat that stole my ear.

Hmm.

Hey, Dipper, what do you think is better?

Sequins, or llama hair?

The llama hair. Llamas are nature's greatest warriors.

Thanks, Dipper!