Original subtitles

You're dressed like a lady on the show Summer House.

- Like one of the hot girls. - Yeah.

Is that a romper?

I don't� See, the shorts by themselves with anything else,

you'd be like, "Hey, man, cool sho�"

I don't know if you compliment guys' shorts,

but you'd at least be like, "It makes sense to me."

The top is where�

This doesn't� This is me maybe in 15 years.

- Okay. - You still dress like a cool dad.

Oh, hey, I'll take it. I'll take it. Daddy's day out.

But can I just say, that hair�

- Did you get work done on the hair? - No, this is real, baby.

It looks better than ten years ago.

- For real? - How'd that happen?

I honestly thought with all the bald caps and wigs I've been wearing

that it would slowly thin it out and destroy it,

but I think it's doing the opposite.

I think it's this house and this backyard and that pool has hit your body

and you're leveled out and zenned and chilled.

- It's healthy. - As we drink midday.

Hell yeah, I'm gonna kill this hangover.

Are you� It's a fest, you know?

Evil's in the air. It's party time. Excellent.

There is� Good shout-out, dude.

I was just talking about Wayne's World two days ago.

Yeah, I saw it in the theater.

Number two.

Also good.

Yeah, people wanna shit on�

Well, most sequels aren't great, but Wayne's World 2 holds up.

I don't want to say mainly because of Farley.

But, you know, Dana told me that the first one�

They were such a massive success.

Yeah.

They were like, "You have to do a sequel."

I'm gonna butcher the story, but�

it was kind of rushed as far as putting it together.

They wrote it real fast because they had a window to shoot it

based on everybody's schedules.

And so he�

But I think it's almost like any comic

putting something out and then being overly critical of it.

- Of course. - I think it still rips.

Yeah, no, it's still great. I put out a special.

- I've already got eight great tags. - Do you really?

- That just happens. - What do you do?

You just gotta live with it. You gotta move on, you know?

I mean, how many ex-girlfriends were you like, "I could have fucked her better?"

But it's good. It's over.

So you do it with the next one.

There's gotta be� I don't know if that's a show.

Everything's a show. Every time somebody says something, I'm like,

you know, I'm not out here making shows,

- but I'm like, "I feel like that's--" - So true.

You're saying that as a jokey show,

but I'm like, that's probably on Quibi somewhere.

Some Japanese show, I bet.

Quibi should make a comeback with all the fucked-up, like, Anal Island

and just all the, you know, fuck your ex better than your current husband.

We'll shoot it on Epstein's. We'll buy the island.

That's what I look like.

You are a DP legend.

- Double Penetration? - Yep.

What are you talking about?

- No, Dr. Phil. - Oh, yeah.

I like that's where you go with DP.

Some people go Dr. Pepper, some people go Dr. Phil.

Double Penny is either at the Olive Garden or if you're a porn star.

Director of Photography.

- Yeah. - Yeah, but Dr. Phil, I love the show.

I had some great nights, and I also had some spirals on that show.

- No way. - Oh my God.

All three of your appearances are Hall of Fame appearances.

The last one, when Sydney Sweeney was in the crowd, I fucking choked like�

you know, like a sports team in the '80s.

I don't know, but I was horrible.

Do you get nervous for shows?

Yes, only those, because those are off the cuff.

Those are all improv, so you never know where it's gonna go,

and sometimes it's magic.

I do a pretty good impression of my dad.

- You ready? - Can I be you?

- Yeah, let's do a scene, ready? - All right, you start. Okay.

Hey, Dad, woke up this morning feeling a little gay.

He left the family.

All right.

Your shows, you're always--

I'm dialed in. I got my material. It's all written.

There's no nerves about new bits or anything like that?

A little, but I can, you know, you can throw a classic right after it.

So there's always a way out. But the riffs, you're out with no net.

- But that's what's fun about it. - That's what's great about it.

How was last night?

We are filming this during the Netflix Is a Joke Fest.

- Yeah. - In sunny LA.

You come out here a decent amount.

- Yeah. A couple times a year. - Right?

Do you like these big fests where it's just mayhem and chaos

and lots of hanging and lots of boozing and lots of�

I love it, and you see your old pals,

but I'm 42 now, so, like, it catches up.

- It does. - You know, and I'm, like, hungover today,

and they're like, "You got a pod at 10." I'm like�

- You had one at 10:00 a.m.? - Yeah.

- Brutal. - How'd you get through it?

- I just pushed through. - You just do?

Yeah, you can rally. You'd be surprised.

And I, you borrow time from tomorrow.

Like, "I'll figure that out tomorrow." Then, "I'll figure that out tomorrow."

Before you know it, you're on a flight. I'm on a five-hour flight on Friday,

- and I'll just crash on the flight. - Back home.

Yeah, I'm going to a gig.

Toronto.

Goddamn.

What a life.

- It really is. - Yes.

Who'd you geek out to see this week?

- Come again? - Who'd you geek out to see this week?

Let's see. We had Burr on the pod yesterday,

so obviously I'm a fan of Bill Burr,

but saw Jim Jefferies do a set.

And tonight, might hit up Seinfeld to come by.

- Yeah, so� - To come by your show.

Yeah, we'll see.

You can just text Jerry.

I can text him.

I can text him right now.

All right.

I won't, but I could.

After I did The Rock's show and played Vince McMahon on his show

and got to be chummy enough to

have some back and forth.

We were in Arizona during COVID.

And I saw something,

and I texted him this long soliloquy,

and it opened with "T-shirt idea."

And my sweet wife Amanda looks over and goes,

"Who did you just text?" I go, "Why?"

She goes, "You looked real focused and real drunk."

And I go, "The Rock." And she goes, "Give me your phone."

She was like, "I wish it was another girl. This is worse."

- 1,000% - Oh no, The Rock.

A T-shirt idea.

I don't even� We're the same, and I don't want that text from you.

Yeah, and she was a little late on intercepting that moment,

but thankfully, he just,

you know, shot back a razz of what was happening.

He was like, "I've been where you are, never text me again, LOL."

You know, and then I� So I doubled down.

So, like, two days later, I sent back, "Vest idea."

Ah, that's how you do it. Well played.

Yeah, I was shit-housed on the road, lonely,

and I knew him a little bit, we just got to be friends,

and I had this idea during COVID.

I don't know how to drive a stick. I want to learn how to drive a stick.

What if we get one of his supercars, like some Porsche, Ferrari, whatever?

We go through Times Square. I'm texting all this. It's like this long.

And we go to Times Square. You teach me in empty Times Square, 'cause it's COVID.

- Yeah. - So it's like a Vanilla Sky.

We have the whole thing. No one's out.

"You teach me. We'll get a little film crew."

And he just wrote back, "Right."

I don't even know what that means. Like, "Right."

Like, "Yeah, whatever."

"I'm trying to be nice, but I don't care."

Not even "Sure." Or like, "Maybe."

"Right." There's no way to gauge. What is that?

I think he was just like, "Right, whatever."

"So what were you saying?"

I think he was just like, "I'll be nice, but I'll be dismissive too."

"I'll acknowledge it."

I see an equivalent of a teenager being like, "Anywayz," with a Z.

Yeah.

- Just dismissive with no� - Totally.

And look, I read it the next morning. I was like, "Oh, that was bad."

Because that's what they don't want. They don't� These are busy, powerful men.

They don't want us coming at them with wasted-time ideas.

But you've gotten to a point, and I feel like I'm in a similar boat,

where you feel like you're not.

It's not like you're an open mic or shooting your shot being like,

"Hey, Jerry, will you do the foreword for my book?"

And he's like, "How many times have you gone up?" "Twice, man."

"I got a lot to say."

That's true, but still.

- But still, yeah. - They don't want to do any extra stuff.

Do you feel like when you're out at these parties or just the hangover, all that,

you have to watch�

Do you ever get in your head about, like�

I don't want to embarrass myself in front of an exec or a comic.

- Are you locked into who you are? - No.

- You know Joanne at Netflix? - Yeah.

She used to work at Comedy Central, and she was like the in.

If you knew Joanne, you could get a Comedy Central Presents or a half hour.

And I was always like, "Oh my God." Now I saw her last night, half in the bag,

I made fun of her sweater, and I walked away.

And you're like, "Oh, this is nice. I'm also 40."

So I'm like, "I'm not scared of you. We're all adults."

I know. What a bummer when it was�

I remember being in New York with Brent Morin,

and he had just taped his Netflix special,

I'm Brett Morin, on Netflix, at the Gramercy.

And we go to this party after, and there was some Netflix Exec there

that was in charge of specials

or was on Brent's team and helping facilitate.

And I opened the show and did a little bit with him prior,

so I at least was around her earlier in the day.

And now we're all drunk at this club.

It was early in the night, maybe a drink or two in,

and she walked by this busy area,

and I did this stupid anytime bit where I just go, "ID," you know?"

- And she's walking by. - That's fun.

And she laughed, and then we chatted about some other bullshit.

And then, I'd say about two and a half hours later,

you know, the cocktails are flowing like the salmon at Capistrano,

and everyone is just feeling good, has leveled up.

And I see her again, what do you think I do?

- You think I run it back? - Yeah, of course, the ID.

And she goes, "Ugh."

I can't believe you got this pod on there.

And that woman was Melissa Joan Hart.

That's Clarissa. She explained it all.

Would you ever do the Correspondents' Dinner?

I would do it.

- If it was Trump? - I would do it either way.

- Yeah. So much exposure. - Just 'cause it's�

When are you gonna get to zing the president of the United States?

Come on. When it matters.

- Yeah. - And also,

you know, correct me if I'm wrong,

but I feel like it's appealing

to have the challenge of trying to turn a room

that almost feels like a showcase, like a room full of industry.

- Totally. - All the media, they're there�

They're not, like� They want to laugh. They're there.

I always, like, any time, you know, a host, I'm at a comedy club,

and the local host gets off and, "Oh man, rough crowd."

"Yeah, good luck." Or like, "You'll get them probably."

I'm like, "Well, maybe don't do that and maybe do that,

because they definitely did show up for the show."

"So if you didn't get them, maybe it's not them."

Yeah.

So when even the media and stuff is there,

I'm like, yeah, they probably are a little bit more

critical out of the gate, but they still�

You gotta do it. The exposure's crazy.

You get to zing them. Even if you bomb, it's entertaining.

And then if you bomb too bad, just shoot up the place.

You know?

Either way, you're killing either way.

Yeah, dude. What's the most New York thing you've seen in your 20 years?

And I guess that probably means something different for everybody.

Yeah, boy, that's good.

Because there's always� I immediately think of the old Geraldo joke.

You know, I see all these signs, "If you see something, say something."

You know, "I saw a guy masturbating on a guy peeing."

"Who am I supposed to tell?"

So that's what I always think of as the most obscene example.

- Yeah, geez. - How about something that's�

I don't know if you saw, like,

a woman get knocked out of her motorized scooter

and kids help her up,

or did you see Elmo, you know, fucking Princess Leia?

I saw a guy doing crack in a doorway,

just middle of the day, West Village, nice neighborhood, doing crack.

And he was like�

And I was walking by, and he goes, "You got a light?"

And I was like, "No."

And he was like, "Goddamn, this city's fucked."

And I was like, "What do you mean you're mad at me?"

"You're doing crack, and I'm the bad guy here?"

So that was a bad one.

You know, 9/11 was crazy.

I hosted a show for AOL. It was a Halloween show.

I've told the story a million times, but they said�

They saw me at the Cellar and were like, "You're edgy and push the envelope."

I was like, "Whatever."

And they go, "We want you to host a Halloween Costume Contest."

And I said, "No problem." It was a big check.

First day, there's a bleacher full of people.

There's a bunch of people dressed up as Crazy Care� Superman.

You know, Catwoman, homeless guy, whatever.

And there was a panel of judges.

And a witch came on.

No, wait, hold on.

Like an African queen came on.

And she was walking off, and Catwoman came on, and she was like�

And I said, "Watch that whip around the African."

They shut the whole thing down. The cameras wilted, the lights went out.

I got fired within 20 minutes.

Holy shit.

Yeah, and that was like the first minute of the show.

They had to regroup.

They brought some guy in to host real quick, some guy from the crowd.

It was bad.

And that was AOL?

That was AOL, yeah.

Well, hey, look how that turned out.

Yeah.

Suck it, chat room.

Which, by the way, was one of the first chat rooms I was in.

What do you feel like, Mark Normand� Because you're a pretty kind fella,

and I feel like you get benefit of the doubt a lot.

But when do you, like, airplanes, airports,

home, your child, like, your family,

when do you go like, "Man, I'm getting a little too spicy"?

Yeah, well, there's a lot of ways to judge people,

but the big ones are mean to waiters.

Like, mean to staff is a real bummer.

The way people eat.

You got the guy just like shoving food in his mouth.

He got food all over his face. What the hell are you doing?

Foot choice, like a guy with Crocs,

or a guy with flip-flops or something like that, I'm already out.

And then�

music taste,

you know, or movie taste.

People are like, "Oh man, did you see this movie?"

"It's fucking amazing." And you're like, "I hate this guy."

And then a big one is believing in ghosts.

These people will tell you about their ghosts.

I love ghosts. I'm all about ghosts. I'm like, I'm already out.

Wait, so, okay.

I'm glad my wife's inside.

Oh no.

Maybe not ghosts, but spirits. We definitely�

Women, I let slide on the ghost thing. Their periods are attached to the moon.

- They're all over the place. - The crystals don't help.

- Crystals? Yes. - There was�

Mercury's in retro-Gatorade. I don't know.

There is a common occurrence in new homes where,

like, there's people that were here before or buried underneath the pool or whatever.

And the first handful of weeks we were in here, I was gone,

and cabinets were opening, and lights were flickering.

Oh, shut up. Get out of here.

There was some guy who said he was here to fix a roof that was fingering my wife.

There was just a lot going on that we didn't plan on, is my point.

And a friend of mine who is real tapped into the spiritual world

and just exactly what you said, the Powerade, the Fire Moon, everything.

And she got us a guy to come over to sage the house.

I said, fuck it. If it's gonna make her feel better.

And also, I can't wait to meet the guy who's coming over to sage the house.

Is Amanda inside?

Van, do you mind asking Amanda what the name of the guy was?

Yeah, Amanda.

Wait, there she is.

I don't wanna put this guy on blast. Maybe we'll bleep him.

- Maybe we'll give him press. - Yeah.

What was the guy, the name, who came to sage the house?

What is it?

- I don't trust this guy. - Yeah, that's it.

This guy's a crook. He's like Rick Rubin. It's all bullshit.

And part of me goes, did he own the gown and then pick up saging?

- Yes. - Or did he go, "I'm a sager now"?

Let me go to gown.com.

- Right. - So�

he comes in with a blowtorch or a fucking dildo on fire

and starts waving it around.

Oh, man.

And I think it worked for at least a couple hours.

But this guy's a con artist.

I think you believe what you want to believe.

- That's it. - And I think if you're like,

"It worked," but then also�

you know, she came for the first time, so I guess that was a positive.

But if you had one day to not do stand-up, what would you do?

If you're with your wife and your child,

and you got no work, you got no pods, you got no nothing,

and you're truly forcing yourself to put the phone down.

- Yeah. - I don't know if you do that.

Oh yeah, I try.

I'm on no screens with the kid.

My kid's 15 months, 16 months,

and no screens is tough because they work.

- You know what I mean? - The kid works.

No, the screens. When you give it to them, they actually chill out.

- Oh yeah. - So kids will freak out.

An iPad is like Narcan for a baby.

They're like, "Ah!" And then you hit them and they're like, "Okay."

- "I'm good. I'm relaxed now." - Yeah.

But, yeah, it's hard. But what would I do?

One day for yourself, whether it's with the fam or not,

but you're taking a break from the hustle and bustle,

and you're putting Mark Normand first, and you're getting a hang.

And I don't know if it's just vegging out,

ordering some Panda Express and watching Summer House.

That's nice.

I think we got this park by our house. You get a couple of High Noons,

me and the wife, you go to the park, let the kid run,

and you got the sunset.

And the kid's in the grass.

And you throw stuff at him and all that, and that's fun.

You play fetch with your kid?

Yeah, he's not great at it, but�

we went to the beach one time. That was awesome.

Just� my kid is crazy.

Like, Seinfeld says the best thing to do with your kid, he calls it garbage time.

- Yeah. - That's where you just do nothing.

Everybody acts like you gotta go have a home run

and get on a Ferris wheel, like all these crazy moments.

The best times with your kid are when you're just sitting there, vegging out,

and bullshitting.

And me and my kid were sitting on my stairs,

and he was playing with a ring light.

He just found a ring light, and he's like loving it.

I'm sitting next to him, and he hands it to me.

And I look at it, and then he takes it back and he looks at it,

- I was like, this is the best time ever. - That's awesome.

So, yeah, kids are fun.

I know no one wants kids right now, but they're a good time.

What's your dream green room?

You get, I know everyone always asks, "What's your Mount Rushmore of comedy?"

Which is also a valid question,

but that's four on a Mount Rushmore.

Green room, I'm giving you how many slots, dude?

Let's go�

Mount Rushmore is four. I'll give you two more. So you got you plus five.

Are you saying the best green room in the country?

Because I would say Comedy Club on State.

- Comedy on State in Madison, Wisconsin. - Oh, shit.

I was not saying who has the best green room for a hang.

I'm saying what's your dream green room full of comedians?

So, the hang. So you get�

And don't feel any sort of obligation to say me.

You wouldn't anyway.

But what� Your five plus you.

People that you just, when you're like, "Man, this is like

a hang that could go until 4:00 a.m."

It's tough.

And someone could convince someone to let Ari drug them again.

Well, this is a� The comedy festival is full of all my favorite people.

Not all of them. Some asshole is gonna get mad at me for saying that,

who's not here.

But like last night, it was like Tim Dillon, Bert, Soder, Shane�

fucking Simon Rex was there. I got drunk with Andy Milonakis.

- He was there last night? - He was there.

He's drinking and smoking weed with everybody. He's adorable.

Now I'm so fucking mad I left, dude.

- I know. - I love that show. Oh my God.

We had a great time. James McCann is there. And�

- All the funniest people. - Joe List, Sam.

Yeah, it's just a great group.

That's why, like, tonight, I know you're taking off,

but just to hang is enough.

You don't even need to go up.

What's a bigger moment we'll never forget?

9/11, Ashlee Simpson lip-syncing, or Michael Richards' N-word?

I hate to say the Michael Richards thing. You know, we're comedians,

we're in L.A.,

I've already done 19 jokes about it on my pod last night.

And on stage. It's just so relevant to me.

Well, also it was around when TMZ really shot their first shot.

Yes, that was one of the first cell phone videos.

- Completely. - Because if that, and I love--

Shout out to our boy Frazer Smith, who was hosting that night,

and literally goes back on stage and just goes, "All right, folks."

"How about that?" Like he just had to keep the show moving.

He didn't know� It's the worst moment for a host

because you're like, do you comment? What do you say?

You just kind of need to be like, "All right, next comedian."

Yeah, I think you go up and go, "That guy did my whole act."

- Or something like that. - Yeah.

But had there been no footage�

I know. Maybe it's just a headline.

He'd be doing comedy right now.

- I think so. - I think it would have blown over.

I think because written headlines

don't carry as much weight as actual visual stimulation.

- Seeing him say the N-word. - It carries a lot more power.

- You hear what Chappelle said about it? - No.

This is like a week after it happened. He's on stage and he goes,

"I watched that. That's when I knew I was 90% comedian and 10% Black,

because my first thought was, 'That N-word's having a bad set.'"

So the set hit him first before the race.

Yeah, dude. Have you ever done a joke that you did

that didn't get the love you thought it would?

That's the story of my life.

- Are you kidding? All the time. - All the time.

But you don't retire it or throw it away if it doesn't work once, right?

No, you tweak it. You keep trying. That's why I go up so much.

It's just like a big focus group. Trial and error.

How many times in a night do you think you need to go up to get a joke?

I know you probably� six, seven times a night sometimes in New York, right?

- I think three is the sweet spot. - Me too.

'Cause you don't burn it out. But also, you're really�

Something about that fourth spot, whether you're driving or subwaying it,

that feels a little bit like�

It's almost like�

It's all travel at that point. You're all scheduling.

You're not thinking about the act.

You're thinking, "How do I get there? What train do I need? What subway?"

I think comedy's the Rule of Three.

I feel like there is something about whether you live and die by that last set.

If it's great, cool. You carry that into the next day, ride the momentum.

If it doesn't, fuck, well, then great.

Now you're probably even more motivated to go up the next night.

- Good point. - Thank you.

Is it easy to be likable?

I guess. It takes a little effort,

but being nice is free.

Don't forget that.

It's free like� these parents who are mean to their kids.

All you gotta do is just�

You don't have to spend any money to be nice.

Just hug your fucking kid, say, "You look nice."

"I like that finger painting," and move on with your life.

Yeah.

I feel like the parents that are overly honest�

Like, a friend of mine doesn�t know what to tell their kid about Santa.

And I�m like, "He�s four, so maybe just let him�"

- Let him ride it out. - "Let him figure it out."

Is that really a hot-button issue?

Yeah, my mom is so like�

She can't lie, she can't bullshit.

Jim Carrey in Liar Liar.

Yes.

"I've had better."

So she was like�

I'd ask her, "What's up with Santa?"

And she's like, "Yeah, it's just like a branding thing."

I was six. Like, "Santa's what?"

She's like, "Yeah, it's just a thing."

Wait. Bursted the Santa bubble at six?

- That's how she was. - This is why you're a comedian.

In her mind, she was like, "I'm keeping it real with him."

- I'm keeping it real with my six-year-old. - I'm being a good person, yeah.

- Oh, man. - I remember one time I saw some movie

and they said "aphrodisiac," and I was like, "Mom, what's an aphrodisiac?"

- That's How Stella Got Her Groove Back. - Yeah, probably.

And she was like, "Oh, that's when you're turned on by something, whatever."

And I was like, "Ugh, I wish you would have lied to me, lady."

"I'm five."

Also, calling your mom "lady" is funny.

Yeah.

You gonna see the Michael movie?

- Yeah, I can't wait. - Me too.

I'm impressed. It's his nephew.

- How cool is that? Pretty wild. - Pretty wild.

And I think most people that are going to it,

first of all, when I saw the trailer, I was like,

the first Michael I think of is the John Travolta movie

where he plays an angel. You ever see that?

- Oh, yeah. - Great movie.

Yeah, that was a weird one. We had Michael, Phenomenon, and Powder.

We had like a supernatural window there.

- Phenomenon. - Yeah.

He had a superpower to be able to move strawberries.

But then they� turned out it was a tumor.

Is that what it was?

I hate to spoil it.

Oh, no, I never saw it.

The movie came out 35 years ago. By the way, end of Forrest Gump, Jenny gets AIDS.

Yeah, Jurassic Park, they eat Wayne Knight.

Oh, Newman!

Air Bud 5, the dog doesn't make the soccer team.

Oh, Michael Vick.

Son of a bitch.

How did she get AIDS?

- Magic Johnson? - No!

Go, Lakers!

If you could see one show tonight, anybody, right?

Jeez.

They're playing the Netflix Fest, they go, "Will you open for us then hang out?"

I mean, it's a hack answer, but I saw The Stones.

I'd love to see The Beatles, or what's left of them.

- Me too. - I'd like to see Paul.

- Me too. - I would love to see Paul.

My friend saw him in Mexico, said it was incredible.

And these guys are all gonna croak, you know, and they're gonna be gone.

Paul's 80, 82 maybe.

82. Wow.

Pacino's 82 and just hoo-ha'd into his wife and had a kid.

- I know. - How the hell does he do that?

- What are you doing? - I mean, he doesn't care. He's gone.

He's out the door.

- He's out the door. - He's gone. He's about to die.

He's just making life. Jagger, too. Jagger just had a kid.

- You can't say that anymore. - Oh, Jagga?

But, yeah, they're all fucking.

I guess good on you.

What's up with rock stars? Biden and Trump look like hell,

and they can barely walk.

And then Jagger and Keith Richards

did heroin for 90 years, and they're cooking.

I just saw them. They're still bebopping and scatting.

- They're moving all over the place. - Some weird Benjamin Button math.

Yes.

What is the secret sauce there? Just having a good time?

I think if you do enough drugs, you die if you stop doing them.

You know what I mean? So, like, he's living off the drugs.

- Yeah. - It's working.

When you go overseas, do you feel like the�

I think they're more appreciative because you're coming over there.

But for some reason, it's just the idea that

what we're doing is translating so far away.

It's insane.

And the fact that, I don't know about you, but I bomb all the time.

I'm always kind of struggling in the city.

And then to be like, "I gotta work on this."

"Maybe that's not where I want it to be."

Then other people are getting it, though. They just didn't get you.

But then other people get you. It's such a great feeling when you're gotten.

- Yeah. You find your people. - You're understood.

You get what I was trying to do there. They didn't get it.

So that's great.

And Australia, I always say it's like America in the '90s,

where everybody's on coke, everybody's thin, and you can still say retard.

It's a fun time.

But the first� I sold out a show in Lisbon,

and that's when I was like, "Oh, this Internet is a crazy thing."

- Portugal? - Yeah.

- Wow. - No, Lisbon, Montana.

- Yeah, Portugal. - That's your porn name.

That guy doesn't wear a condom.

I'm Dick Justiceson.

Mark Normand, ladies and gentlemen.

- Hey, we did it. - I love you.

All right, do we fuck now?

Bend me over this thing, will you?

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