Original subtitles

What's up, guys? Zach Parker here.

Welcome back to Off The Rails. We are coming to you live from�

Fuck, I'm gonna start over.

What's up, guys? Zach Parker here, coming to you live�

Welcome back to� Fuck, I don't know how to fucking�

Welcome back. I got it. Welcome back to Off The Rails.

My name is Zach Parker.

This is a show that your stepdad hates and your mom sends nudes to.

A little bit about me.

No, I am not circumcised.

Yes, I'm afraid of roller coasters.

No, I'm not allergic to Four Loko.

Yes, I've gone down on a stranger.

Welcome to the show.

Three living legends.

Guys you probably have seen on television, movies,

maybe even outside your house.

I don't know what they do after hours,

but we� Sal Vulcano,

Brian Murray.

Murr. Just Murr. James Murr.

- And� Brian Murray. - Brian Murray, yeah.

- Q. Yeah. - Q.

Is it� Do people� First of all, thanks for fucking joining me.

- You got it. Our pleasure. - This is a real treat.

Obviously, I am a huge fan.

I think everyone's a huge fan.

My Nana, shout out, was a huge fan.

We are in a funeral home right now.

Appreciate you guys coming to film here.

Did you� You buried her here?

No, we spread her ashes at a Wild Waves water park.

She� Because she died going down.

If you're, you know, those slides, you've seen them�

You've seen people like fly off the fucking slide.

And most times I see that, I'm like, "Thank God that wasn't fucking me."

- That's how she died? - But it was her, so�

And that was recently?

About six days ago.

- Oh my gosh, so recent. - So sorry about that.

Oh no, it's fine. She lived a good life. She was 64, so�

- What did it? - So young.

That's a full life. That's a� No, she had nothing left to give.

Was it the landing? What� Where did the�

I'll send you the video, but she basically�

- I don't want the video. - No, you do. It's one of the�

Send it to me twice.

You ever see, like, what's your� Like, animal attack videos?

Raise your hand if you love a good animal attack video.

Who doesn't?

How about pregnancy videos? Where do we stand on those?

Again, I don't like seeing stressed-out animals.

- Fair enough. Fair enough. - Pregnancy in what way?

Giving birth, or the act of getting pregnant?

So I saw� The first�

- That's a valid question. - 'Cause one I like and one I don't.

Yeah, well, look.

Do you remember your birth? Let's start there. Sal?

Barely.

I would say even maybe no.

Oh yeah, were you fucking�

I was not high when I was born, no.

Well, you don't know, 'cause you don't remember.

I don't think I was born. I feel like I've always been.

What?

I love your whole vibe, by the way.

Here we go. Let's just get right into it.

- I had a bunch of questions. - Socks aren't even� It's brave.

Oh no, I've never worn socks ever since I was�

Is it brave?

It's something.

But that big toe's a little purple even.

- You do have a-- - Yeah, I got a�

I got a circulation issue, this Band-Aid.

I know you're gonna ask me about it. Little frayed, as you said.

Got into a little, little debacle at TSA.

It was a TSA injury?

Oh yeah, dude. You ever been in a TSA fight?

I've wanted to be in one.

- Dude. - Yeah, did you hit a TSA agent?

- Yeah, well, I got hit, but� - You got hit?

Down to the ground, boom, pinky jam.

What were the circumstances involving the�

So I like to bring food on planes.

You're allowed to.

Burrito, check.

Cheez-Its. Got 'em.

Pedialyte.

Yeah, that's the problem. That's the problem.

You can't bring--

It can't be more than four ounces of Pedialyte.

Which is a huge issue, and this is what--

That makes no sense at all because Pedialyte's for hydration,

and no one's getting hydrated on four ounces.

You can bring multiple four-ounce Pedialytes.

- But they don't make-- - Which I have, but they� I don't know.

Like, I don't wanna say TSA are like Nazi-level,

but they definitely like are starting to like�

- Act like Nazis. - And I feel like I get profiled.

You what it is? They're serious about planes going down.

Yeah, but how often is that happening?

Because they're serious about it, it doesn't happen often.

Yeah, but like, look at me. I walk through,

what do you think I'm packing?

- Other than� - A fucking good time.

I think you're just smuggling a good time in that thing.

I feel like you and I are on a similar spectrum.

I feel like you could have been my dad.

Or you could have been my dad, or we could have been each other's dad.

There's definitely like a weird summer camp thing�

Maybe have a third birth.

- Yeah, I would go through� - "Third Birth." Great band name.

"Third Birth."

Everything that you're wearing and presenting

is what I feel I'm evolving towards.

I'm not a fashionista�

Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

I stand corrected. I buy most of my clothes at Target.

Not ashamed.

- No, I love-- - Targ�, if you're French.

I do TJ Maxx. I'm a Maxxinista.

I love to compare the price that's on the tag.

You have the TJ Maxx app?

No.

Nobody does, because we got you there, we got you there, we got you there.

Have you guys ever been pranked?

Yeah, you know.

You know, on the show we do. It's more of a social experiment thing,

but yeah, it's hidden camera.

So it's kind of like, that's the world we�

Your legs are really open.

Yeah, it is interesting for an interview.

We've done a lot of press junkets like this, and we are all being--

- Humblebrag. - �with our�

- We've been on TV a long time. - You get interviewed by Gayle King ever?

That's my hall pass.

Yeah, I was backstage with her at a concert once.

- I met her recently at a premiere. - I wasn't impressed.

- "Dear diary." - Cut that, please.

Oh no, we're leaving that shit in, dude.

Shots fired, Gayle King.

Fucking�

You know who's� All right, I got one for you. Marry, Fuck, Kill.

Oprah, Tonya Harding, Martha Stewart.

Okay, well, I'm gonna marry�

Well, that's a tough one now.

I think, well, you gotta marry Oprah. She's got all the money in the world.

Martha Stewart has a lot of money, but she doesn't have Oprah money.

And also, Martha Stewart is a straight-up criminal.

I'd kill her, and then I would fuck Tonya Harding,

because she even had a video that I saw once.

It was a giving birth video, wasn't it?

Well, it was a getting pregnant video.

Getting pregnant video.

- Tonya Harding's got a sex tape? - She does.

I'm not saying that she does, but I saw it.

Isn't it fucking� You guys tell me,

because you've been more in the limelight, I'm just having this come up.

They've shut down Limelight. It's not open anymore.

- What's Limelight? - It was a club in New York City.

It's not open anymore.

- See, that's what I'm talking about. - They also shut down LimeWire.

LimeWire.

Which ironically is where I saw that Tonya Harding�

They also shut down Fanta,

had a lemon-lime flavor that tried to get going for a couple years.

Didn't work, trying to compete with Sprite.

Yeah, what do you� Yeah.

You guys have been in the fucking sun for so long.

I'm just getting my come-up Off The Rails, it's finally getting recognized.

- Theo Von retweeted one of my tweets. - Nice.

You guys have the same haircut.

Sorry.

Now I'm gonna take that and absorb it.

And� And use it as fuel.

- Yeah. - Remember what Captain Planet said?

- No. - Me neither. I was hoping you did.

He said, "Use it as fuel, or lose it forever."

You've got a three-page document there.

We haven't� You've never� Not done any of it.

All right, Dad.

No, but I'm sorry. I wrote a lot of� I just get�

I try to overprepare.

Tony Robbins, I read one of his� the back of one of his books, and it said,

"If you prepare, you're never unprepared."

Dot, dot, dot, prepare.

Yeah.

So, that leads me to my first question.

What's your� What's your coolest fan story?

We had a fan who was�

This is a true story, was the only survivor of a flood

that wiped out this whole town in the Midwest.

- Yeah, from one of the big hurricanes. - This is a true story.

She wrote this letter, and she was like,

"Everybody in my town�"

And she wrote this quote that we still say to each other,

"They're dead, they're gone."

"The whole town, I'm the only survivor."

"And watching Impractical Jokers was the thing that made me

- not be as upset." - Apparently her TV survived as well.

No, she was in the hospital. FEMA got her out.

Holy shit.

- This is a true story. - So, a Helen Hunt twister came through.

- Yeah, I think a flood, more like a flood. - Like a biblical kind of thing.

- So a� - A river overflowed its banks.

- Leaving� - Wiping a town out.

Everyone's gone, but she just�

They were dead. They're gone.

And she stood on a� what? On a�

- She fricking surfed her way out. - Surfed her way out.

Her letter didn't really get into this.

I think we're being playful, but I think this is a--

No, this is a true story. He's being playful. I'm telling you a true story.

It's a true story.

Has she come to live shows since? Is she like a�

I don't think we ever met her.

No, she just wrote that letter.

And like, nothing in the letter really made us want to reach out to her.

- For sure. - No.

I will say this, though. You just reminded me.

And if I could take this opportunity for one moment.

You wanna plug a website or something?

No, like a fan. I just wanna say apologies to a fan.

We do this on the Impractical Jokers Cruise every year.

It's a crazy party.

One time we were doing this crazy karaoke dance party,

and then I stage dove with a friend.

Joey Fatone?

My friend Chris, not Joey� Joey Fatone was on the cruise.

- I follow him on Facebook. - Yeah.

- Hilarious. - He's a great guy.

- Oh, funny post, dude. - The best.

You wouldn't expect a boy band guy to be so fucking funny,

but he's always, like, zinging and zanging it, dude.

Yeah, he zings and zangs.

So we stage dove and then the crowd cleared.

The one person that couldn't get out of the way

- was a fan� - In a wheelchair.

- Well, with crutches. - Fuck!

It turned out they had brittle bones.

- Oh, no. - Yeah, the doctor�

A little case of the osteo-P.

And we fell on her and flattened her like in the cartoons

when like a steamroller goes over them.

And then we did a private meeting to smooth it over.

But we did almost break everything.

Yeah, sorry for crunching your femur. Here's a beanie.

So, just a little, like, just, you mentioned a fan interaction.

- That was one, a memorable one. - We do know� We did know her.

We've met her many times.

Those crutches flew in the air and flipped like it was out of a cartoon.

- There's 5,000 people on the boat. - We can laugh about it now.

Oh yeah, you gotta laugh about�

There's things that happen in my life sometimes

where I'm like, not funny in the moment,

hilarious in hindsight.

Give you a great example.

Uber driver� Got an Uber Pool about six weeks ago.

This story gets better.

And I hop in that car, and I'm like, "Take me to Vegas."

And you know, we're in fucking Redondo Beach, where I'm from.

So I'm like, "That's a good fucking five-hour drive."

This guy was like, "I thought we were going to Chipotle."

I was like, "Psych! Vegas, bitch!"

- So we start fucking cruising. - Once you get in, they have to accept.

That's it. They can't say no to a destination.

Let me finish.

And so I get in the car, and we're cruising.

He's boozing. I realized he was drinking about 20 minutes in.

I go, "Yo, man, either give me a drink too or fucking pull over."

He pulls over, we start fucking fighting. This is pre-Band-Aid.

And I start fucking throwing down.

I'd chugged a couple Four Lokos at the pad before we got in the car.

- You're not allergic. - Let me finish.

And so I get in the car, and I'm fucking jacked up, dude.

I'm fucking, dude, I'm Jack Palance.

I'm fucking Jack Reacher.

I'm fucking reach-around city, dude.

I get in this fucking state of mind where I'm like, "I'll fucking die now."

You ever get so fucking crazy in your head

where you're like, "I'll fucking kill this guy"?

So let me finish. So I get to this place where I'm like,

"All right, he's probably got a family. Chill out."

We fucking figured it out. He was choking me for a minute.

For a second, I was like, "I guess I'm into choking."

But you don't know what you're into until it happens to you, right?

- Sure, yeah. - Let me finish.

And so he starts fucking� And he's doing it with one hand.

So I was like, "Maybe I'm a one-handed guy."

Gotta find a girl that's into that and then ask her.

I don't know how you ask a girl to choke you to figure out if you're even into it.

- Just ask. - Yeah, but also� Yeah, you don�t just�

You don�t take her hand and probably stick it on you and go like,

"You know, who�s� Which one of us is gonna come?"

It's like that Chris Rock joke

that if you don't ask the girl to suck your balls, then you got dry balls.

Let me finish. And so I'm fucking, I'm jacked up, dude.

And this guy� This guy starts fucking weeping.

And then I get in the front seat and then I start driving.

And then he says, "Drop me off." We dropped him off at the Bunny Ranch.

- What? - Remember where Lamar Odom went to?

We dropped him off at the fucking Bunny Ranch, Murr.

- I don't know where this story's going. - And we walked in.

I'd never been to the Bunny Ranch.

So we walked in, and man, that place�

Depressing?

No.

- Where is this story going? - I mean, for them, yeah.

- I was like� - They're just gonna work.

They're just� It was, but they were so chill, I gotta be honest.

I was like, I had never seen so many people fired up at their job before.

Like, you ever go to a Toys "R" Us back in the day when it was at its peak?

And you're like, "Man, these kids want to sell bikes so fucking bad."

You know, this is wild that I'm even here with you guys.

I've met four famous people up until you guys.

We've done a lot of press junkets.

- Haylie Duff. - Yeah.

Yeah.

The guy who played Cody on Step by Step.

- Yeah. - Sure.

I'll give you guys a free Pedialyte if you can remember his name right now.

Rider Strong.

- Richard Mulligan. - No, you lost.

I write down in my journal every day what I'm thankful for.

And what I'm� Also what I'm not thankful for.

And I don't want to put down my father,

but man, he did not bless me with any sort of physical attributes.

My shoulders are okay.

My penis is not.

I mean, you're so handsome.

I'll feel, I mean, yeah, for like a beach cop from the '80s.

Whatever, but you're very handsome.

I appreciate that.

What are you doing later?

Let's figure it out together.

I started doing this side thing to make up for, like�

It's almost like passive-aggressive.

I was standing in line at a Starbucks,

and this woman was taking way too long with her order, and I go,

"Hey, hurry up. I want to get my coffee before I die."

Who's seen Brett Butler, the comedian, live?

And how was she?

We might've saw her once live.

She had a show called Grace Under Fire.

I know exactly who you're talking about.

I'm pretty sure I've seen her live.

That comes from a website,

things no one's asked the Impractical Jokers.

Yeah, we've heard it, but we've been doing press junkets a long time.

We've heard that question.

I have.

This is a weird�

I got dared by my friend Jerome to do an impression of Murr back to him.

I won five bucks.

Murr, do you do impressions?

- Do I do impressions? - Yeah.

I can do a Sean Connery of one specific line from Hunt for Red October.

"Ryan, some things in here don't react well to bullets." That's all I do.

Or how about him in that interview with Barbara Walters?

"If a woman's yelling is too loud, you can smack her in the face."

I try not to do that impression in press junkets.

- Well, he said that shit. - Yeah.

I don't want to say I've smoked weed with my nephew, he's 12,

- but I've blown it in his face. - Sure.

And only because I'm like,

"You're gonna figure this out at some point anyway,

and I don't wanna be�"

"I don't want to hear about it from one of your fucking spazoid friends."

- I want to be the guy to fucking� - Do you talk to his friends a lot?

Yeah, on Xbox Live.

- Oh, yeah. - I game a lot.

What are you playing right now?

World of Warcraft.

It's a perennial. It's a good one.

It's a little outdated. Red� Red De�

- Red Dead Redemption 2. - Red Dead Redemption 2.

One of the greatest games. Arthur Morgan.

And don't sleep on Gran Turismo.

No.

It was a free game they offered when Sega Saturn came out.

But I think they've made some significant upgrades

that have really contributed to the gaming world

and really made people like myself take a more vested interest in�

Q.

When you're playing Red Dead 2,

do you play Arthur as a good guy or as a bad guy?

I'm gonna be honest. I lied to sound cool in front of you.

Oh, man!

- I've never played that game. - Let me tell you something.

You don't have to put on any airs for us.

You don't have to make stuff up. We're just regular guys. We're just�

- You can be true to yourself. - We've done a lot of these junkets.

I know you have, and that's why I'm a little starstruck, and a little nervous,

and a little diarrhea.

You know, I know I told you I met Haylie Duff,

and you thought I was probably super composed and I can handle my shit,

but I'm really getting thrown off right now.

You guys are three of the funniest fucking people in the world.

Your show is, what, are you on season fucking 29 right now?

- It is 29. - It feels like it.

It's wild how much fucking joy you've brought me

and how many laughs you've given me.

And I used to watch your show all the time with my Nana,

and I literally remember as she was at the top of the slide, she was like--

- So you watched the show seven days ago? - Let me finish.

When she was at the top of the slide, she goes,

"When I get home, I'm gonna watch the Jokers."

And then she fucking catapulted into the sky.

I didn't even tell you, before she hit the ground,

she fucking hit a bird.

Remember when Randy Johnson hit a bird with a baseball?

She was like--

And what's his name? Fabio.

Can I finish my fucking story? I�m talking about my dead grandma.

- I'm trying to build on the story. - Welcome to every day of my life.

He got hit by� he hit with his face a pigeon or something.

He did. And it was wild. That's what happened to my grandma.

She fucking catapulted into the sky, hit the bird,

the bird fucking grabbed it. It might've been a condor or a falcon.

They got talons.

You don't see condors much these days, especially--

That's why the detectives were super thrown off with the entire investigation.

What did the coroner say? Was it the bird strike or the impact?

We didn't even find her body. I'm not sure if the ashes we spread were hers

because they�

You never found it?

- I think that's what I just said. - She could still be alive.

- What are you talking about? - Yeah, okay, Mario Lopez.

So, actually, am I to understand that your grandmother's last words on Earth

- were, "When we get home�" - "We're gonna watch the Jokers."

Well, she said it in a� "The Jokers." How did you say it?

Well, yeah, she's got a little shakes and bakes.

She's only 64.

64, yeah, lived a� At least she said that.

Her ID said 75, so�

- But she was always like� - A fake ID?

I wanted to not laugh at that, dude, but that was super fucking funny.

Murr, what's the funniest thing you've heard in the last 48 days?

The funniest thing I heard?

I can't say it.

Q?

What's the question?

Sal, what's the funniest thing you've heard in the last 48 days?

Probably that your grandmother died in a water slide accident.

I do think having something that you love in your life matters,

and my grandma loved you guys.

She also had a fucking wild sense of humor.

Every time we'd be at the mall,

- and a kid would fart, she would lose it. - Yeah.

I lose it to where I was like�

I never want to get to a point where I don't find farts funny.

Oh, she laughed. I thought you meant she was angry.

No, loved it.

And then she'd always razz the kids and be like, "Close your asshole." You know?

Because she was fucking.

She didn't care. I can't wait to get to that point in my life.

"Close your asshole."

What a weird way to razz a child.

- He can't control it. - Hey, close your asshole.

- She sounds like a beautiful person. - A couple more questions.

Should put that on a tombstone.

What was the pitch for the Impractical Jokers like?

Because you guys were the Tenderloins.

- Which was a sketch group in college. - Sketch comedy group.

- After college. - Right after.

Was there a pitch for Jokers? Didn't you lay across the desk? Was that you?

Laid across the executive's desk?

We were in the office waiting for them to come in to take the pitch.

And one of you laid flat on the desk as a joke.

And they came in, and you were on top of their desk.

I don't think I did that, but I did�

I don't think I did that, but I did get the pad

that was in that office, and I drew a figure of a man pooping in a toilet�

on like 15 of the pages.

And we pushed it back. And that was one of those jokes�

Thanks a lot. That's definitely up your alley.

And that's one of those jokes where we just don't see it pay off,

but it paid off like ten times in that room.

How many dicks have we drawn in conference rooms in a notepad on the desk?

- And you go, like, five, six� - Zero.

- I mean, dozens. - I haven't done any, but�

Did you do a joke on the execs? Like, did you, you know?

It was a prank show.

Really?

But did you, like, did you fuck with them?

Or did you just tell them, "We're gonna fuck with other people"?

No, we shot a mini version.

We had a version of it that we shot ourselves.

We went to the spy store and bought crappy cameras and pens.

We went into Victoria's Secret and did a bit where I had to buy a bra

and tell the woman it was for me. Back then, this was edgy stuff.

And, man, the executives are true. They laughed and laughed,

and they wrote a dollar sign and they slid it across, and we accepted it.

How do you even buy a bra as a guy? You're just like, this is�

Carefully.

This is definitely for� This is not for my imaginary girl.

No, you buy it, and then halfway through, you kind of let it slip of like,

"Well, it's gotta fit me."

And then the understanding woman is like, "Oh, really?"

And they're very understanding.

And then they help you try it on, and they size it, and�

you know, your friends are filming it, and then they cut it together, and then�

How about this? Favorite bit in the�

- Again, we're going on 13 seas. - Yep.

- Mazel, by the way. - Thank you.

Went to a Bar Mitzvah a couple weekends ago.

- Can't stop saying mazel. - The food is so good.

Jew food is not only another great band name,

- but one of my favorite cuisines. - It's so good.

I think I'm� I might convert.

All right, what else we got? TikTok rabbit holes.

Hottest guy you'd go gay for.

- Hottest guy I'd go gay for? - Ryan Gosling.

Perfect. Me too.

A song that you like to bangarang to.

- Sure. - I'll go first.

Hanson's "MMMBop," Beyonc�'s "Single Ladies,"

Creed's "One Last Breath."

Ooh, nice.

How about "Wandering Star" by Portishead?

That's a nice, slow� yeah.

She'll appreciate it.

She sure will.

Nice.

For me, "I Want To 'Do That Word' Like an Animal."

- That song? - Yep.

Was that Nine Inch�?

"You and me, baby, ain't nothing but mammals."

Different song.

- Nine Inch Nails. - Nine Inch Nails.

"I wanna do you like an animal."

Yeah.

We've done a lot of these press junkets, so I know not to curse.

Oh, yeah. You can pretty much say whatever you want.

- I wanna do you like an animal. - All right.

That's the filter. It's the filter, the media training, the filter.

When do you curse?

When you like drop potato salad or something?

Yeah, it's disastrous.

But on a bachelor party that I throw, I will say a curse word.

- Let's go. - So that alone.

F-bomb, C-bomb.

Ass play.

That's a curse.

That's a new Parker Brothers game that did not get pushed through.

Uh-oh, it's Ass Play.

- The Pop-O-Matic bubble� - From the makers of Hungry Hungry Hippos.

- �has been repurposed for it somehow. - Yeah.

"That's What Friends Are For," Dionne Warwick.

Yeah, that's a great one.

I can't do this anymore.

- I can't do this. - What the�?

Fucking hell!

You had� I told you you were handsome.

What the fuck is going on?

- What is this? - You know about this?

I was like, "I'm with the Jokers."

So many of my friends I told, "I'm gonna interview the Jokers."

They go, "You gotta dress up

and convince them that you're a different guy,

that you're some pop culture guy." I feel bad.

How long did it take you to get this outfit?

Nine� Nine hours.

Look at me.

- I'm sorry. - I didn't know it was you.

No, don't. I'd rather� Let's take it offline.

Let's take it offline.

- But there's no reason you had to do that. - I'm wearing a wire.

- Hey, Lone Star! - Lone Star.

Who is Zach Harper? Adam.

Adam.

You didn't know it was Adam?

You erased everything that he recorded on that wire.

I got a Netflix show now.

- Hey, Zach. How are you, buddy? - Welcome to Netflix, guys.

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