Original subtitles

Is it Hassan or Hasan? Because� Let me finish.

Because, you know, there's�

The same way that people like Devin or Devon, or Diarrhea or Diaria.

- You know? - Right.

But� I know it's Hasan.

- Yeah. - Because I know you.

- But I also follow you on Facebook. - Yeah. Sure.

What's the last time you've been super pissed off

when someone pronounced your name wrong?

Take your time. Sound it out.

At this point, I'll take�

- I'll take anything, any combination of� - I love that.

- Yeah, vowels, consonants, whatever it is. - It feels good to be recognized.

Sure.

You ever walk down the streets--

By the way, we're in beautiful Times Square.

There we are. We're in the center of the city.

It never loses its luster.

- I was just walking down by the M&M store. - Sure.

And, boy, on the same sidewalk, I saw a MILF.

- A dwarf. - Yeah.

- And I think a prostitute. - Right.

And this might be the only city in the world where you go,

they're all friends.

Yeah. Sure. Yeah.

Did you see off-brand Elmo?

- You also have-- Yeah. - Boy, I'm a bit� Can I be honest?

- Yeah. - Some people� I'm�

I'm more off-brand Elmo than I am original Sesame Street Elmo.

- Really? - Well, he's been through more.

- Sure. - Elmo's had a sweet life.

- Yeah. - You know, Zack and Cody style.

- He grew up on the streets. - Right.

- Sesame. - Yep.

- But he also hasn't seen the world. - Yeah.

Off-brand Elmo, shit, I think he's over in Iraq right now.

Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

So you've got off-brand Elmo here in Times Square, 42nd and 8th.

You also got Mexican Mickey. You'll see him. He'll take the�

- He'll take the head off. - Is that real?

And he is Hispanic, yeah.

- Mexican Mickey. - Mexican Mickey. Yeah.

When you first got to New York, 'cause you're from the Bay Area.

Yeah. Northern California, technically. Yeah. Sacramento. I don't wanna name-drop.

- I'd like to give Sacramento its due cred. - Sure.

- I once went to a KFC in downtown Sac. - Yeah?

- That's it. - Okay.

But�

- New York has its own vibe. - Yeah.

When you're walking around-- You've been here for, what, 15 years?

Almost, yeah, 11, 12 years. Yeah.

It's an accomplishment.

- 15 years is� But you're not from here. - Not from here.

I hate when people go, "You've been there for 10 years. You're from there."

- No. - No. No, no, no, no.

What was growing up in the Bay Area like? You're a big fan of Chris Mullin?

I'm a Kings fan, unfortunately. Doc, are you familiar with the Sacramento Kings?

Boy, I used to have a Peja Stojakovic poster above my bed.

- You did? - Much to the chagrin of my wife, Robin.

'Cause every time, you know, she was, you know, getting to the climax,

she'd fucking look right into the eyes of a perimeter shooter.

- Who was your favorite King growing up? - I mean�

Burger or�

I mean, my favorite King-- Well, let me just say this.

I'm a fan of BK.

I have family that works at BK.

- Do you really? - In the corporate offices.

Phil.

- If you� - I knew you were royalty.

Hey, man, if you need to connect, I don't wanna brag, but�

Brag away. This is�

Hey, my cousin is high on the corporate ladder.

I'm a big fan of roof bragging,

and I know you're not supposed to say that in 2026, but�

- Yeah. - Wait, your cousin's where?

He's at Burger King, and he's a� This is a high-level executive.

- Now� - This is a LinkedIn flex.

I dunno if your audience is here for that.

When you were a young boy up in the Bay Area�

Yeah.

- A Kings fan. - Yep.

- I know you love the NBA. - Love the NBA.

You and my Jewish friend Adam Ray played in the 2019 Celeb All-Star Game.

- And then you ran it back, I think. - Ran it back.

Was it different running it back,

or had you been there, so you were a little more familiar?

Every year that I come back,

I get worse, the competition gets better.

- Yeah. - The rappers get stronger.

The rappers get stronger, and the goddamn�

- They got NFL football players playing. - Well, that's not fair.

Did you play the same year DK Metcalf came?

- No, that was the year after. - Let me just say.

And I dunno if DK Metcalf is watching.

I dunno if he's a fan of Dr. Phil, but DK, if you're watching, is this my camera?

- Yeah, that's your DK cam. - Goddamn it.

That's your BK cam. That's your DK cam.

Burger King employees, I see you.

DK.

I was� We were teammates, and I was in the locker room stretching.

And as I was stretching my right hamstring out,

because I do have L4 and R4 tightness respectively,

you said, "What the fuck are you doing that for?"

And I was doing it for mobility.

How dare you make fun of my�

body that's slowly eroding and about to go into the earth.

Yeah, I'm disintegrating.

We all can't be built like Greek Adonises like yourself,

but how dare you make fun of me for�

trying to get some vasodilation and blood movement in my goddamn body?

We all can't be built like that.

- But we can dress like we are. - Thank you, yeah.

Ever since I've known you, you've been a fashion icon.

Did it get better when you got to New York City?

Were you a little bit�

'Cause now Sarah Jessica Parker's on this corner,

- Paul Giamatti's on that corner. - Right.

I think that's just in the movies, what you're saying.

No, New York is the movie.

Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan

banged on a bench about five blocks from here.

Got you. Okay, so your question to me is, do I get dressed up because we're in the�

Let me just say this as someone who's a clinical psychologist, who is a doctor.

Shoot.

You got men walking around here with the quarter zips and the�

Lululemon khakis swish-swishing around.

Are they getting ready for Wall Street or coaching a Peloton class?

- Maybe both. It is confusing. - Goddamn On running shoes on.

- While wearing an UNTUCKit button-up. - Well, untuck it, and just, you know�

And�

And fuck it. One thing that I love about rhyming

is that when I see something on the street that I don't mind,

I try to be kind.

Okay.

For example, I saw a gentleman in a full business suit about 10 minutes ago

on an e-bike� sorry, Citi Bike.

- Yes. - Not even electric, boogie-woogie.

Just a regular, I gotta pedal to the metal myself.

Where the fuck are you going on a Citi Bike in a full business suit?

And he was on the phone making a deal.

Now, I know this is a city that never sleeps,

and you gotta go from point A to point D in a heartbeat.

But if you're making a deal

and you see the guy on the other end on a Citi Bike,

do you pull back or do you�

Or do you�

I mean, that's the tricky thing. You don't know.

I mean�

Is he legit? Is he a scammer? We don't know.

I mean, to be closing a deal in the goddamn green bike zone.

Hey, Phil, be careful.

I could die. I'm not even afraid of cars. I'm not afraid of the cars.

- You can't be. - Stabbing, crime.

I'm afraid of getting hit by a goddamn Citi Bike.

Some of these motorized bikes will take you out.

I almost got sideswiped by a Pad Thai bicycle.

A Pad Thai bicycle�

Well, you get it. A guy delivering Pad Thai on a bicycle.

I thought you were talking about a guy who's of Thai descent on a bicycle.

- You thought I was calling him Pad Thai? - I thought you were.

Well, look, my racism is quiet and silent.

- Okay. - Usually at home or in the car by myself.

Sure.

You were born September 23rd, 1985 in Davis, California.

True indeed.

Do you rep Davis?

- Hardcore. - I love that.

- Yeah. - Davis is known for what?

Davis is the bike capital of the world.

Davis is also� has one of the best veterinary programs at UC Davis.

We're the UC Davis Aggies, which were named after agriculture.

Other birthdays on September 23rd.

Not sure if you're a guy who's into knowing who you share a day with.

Scottie Pippen, I believe.

I think Scottie Pippen is September 23rd.

- Can I be honest with you? I'm an MJ guy. - What's up?

Yeah.

Sorry, I had a mac and cheese portable in the car.

- I'm an MJ guy. - Yeah.

But to me, there's no MJ without Scottie.

I'd agree.

And I know that that's a hot take and a line in the sand.

Yeah.

Pip doesn't get the credit he deserves.

Now, look, he's got a Broadway musical.

MJ doesn't.

- Scottie Pippen has a Broadway musical? - Pippin.

Sorry, but the show Pippin is about Scottie Pippen's life on the Rockets.

Hey, I'm blowing minds here up on the rooftop.

No, we gotta go to TodayTix and unfortunately burst your bubble here.

Yeah. And�

How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying

is based on John Paxton.

Okay.

Wouldn't that be great if every Broadway show�

�was based on one of the '90s Chicago Bulls?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Let me ask you as a doctor.

- Go ahead. - Do you guys get into it?

So, look, you know, at times, comedians, we can be petty.

- Sure. - We can squabble. We can get into it.

We can air our grievances out via road mic.

Do doctors do that?

Do you have an issue with Dr. Katz, Dr. Oz?

The only doctor I don't have a true issue with,

a real gripe,

Dr. Pepper.

But that's only because I got paid to say that.

What's the last great compliment you got, famous person or not,

whether it was from a family member or a�

Man, there was this beautiful Black lady on the subway who just goes,

- "I see�" I don't know her name. - You can say her name.

But she goes--

- I'll say it. - Say it.

- Halle Berry. - That wasn't her name.

Go ahead.

But this woman goes,

"I see you, eyebrows."

- That's a great compliment. - "I see you, eyebrows."

And I'm not�

I�

- It made my day. Yeah. - You took it in.

And you held onto it for a couple hours, probably.

I've been� I've held onto it for weeks, and I'm sharing it with you right now.

The smallest compliments can have the longing�

How do you say it? The long�

- Longest? - Longest effect.

- Yeah. - I was walking down the street.

- This story gets better. - Sure.

- Just trying to high-5 strangers. - Okay.

Just put my hand up, I left it up, I said, "Someone smack it."

"If you� Smack it if you want a little mood boost."

- Everyone declined. - Oh, man.

And one guy,

I put my hand down and said, "Can I get a hug?" He goes, "Why?"

I don't fucking know. Just trying to change the world.

Yeah. You're just trying to boost people's serotonin levels,

and this, you know�

They think you're, you know, being lewd and crude.

- Have you seen Oppenheimer? - Yeah, of course.

- What's the� - Did it blow out your earlobes as well?

- Did you have issues with it? - Say it again?

I'm talking about the earlobes.

You know, when Einstein is talking to him.

And they're just in front of the pond.

- I do wear plugs for most films. - Okay, sure.

- Just 'cause of the audio residual impact. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The only actually film I didn't wear earbuds for was Toy Story 2.

What's more dangerous right now, bombing on stage or tweeting?

Kids, pay attention because this one's for you.

Stay off Twitter.

Stay off.

You've watched Ninja Turtles. We're in New York.

A thousand times. Watched it this morning. The third one that nobody likes.

The one with the cowboys?

- No, the one where they went to Japan. - Yeah, but they're medieval cowboys.

It didn't make any sense.

No, that's Back to the Future. That's the cowboy one.

Medieval Japan is the third Ninja Turtles.

I mix up Back to the Future and Ninja Turtles.

But both of them, part 3.

- Both were time traveling. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The third one had Mary Steenburgen.

- That's the only thing to do this for. - Sure. Yeah.

Go ahead.

Twitter's the gutter.

Stay out of the digital gutter.

So I deleted it a long time ago. I'm not�

- I'm not a part of that. - How do you stay connected to the world?

How do I stay connected? My parents are on WhatsApp.

I'm aware of everything that's happening.

- Wow. Wow. - For better or for worse. Yeah.

What's your mom firing off onto the WhatsApp?

- Oh, my God. I mean� - Recipes?

We're talking about�

- Bernie Sanders AI videos. - Yeah.

We're talking about�

The� You've seen the Facebook photo of the small baby skiing next to the pug?

- Yeah. She'll send me stuff like that. - Goddamn.

Yeah. I mean, it's�

At least she's filling the day with something.

Sure.

Your parents did you right? Raised you well?

They did raise me well, yeah. I think so.

- Yeah. - I think so.

- As a parent yourself now. - Yeah.

Everyone always says you wanna do what they didn't do.

And then some people go, "Well, the hell with that."

- Just fucking take day by day. - Yeah.

How do you find that balance as a dad in 2026?

Look, I'll tell you this right now.

Parents know this. Everything's being documented right now.

You got a Nest camera going. Thanks for matching me.

- Yeah. - Cool.

Everything's on Nest camera.

So back in the day, we would have to go onto your show

to litigate family problems.

- We got the footage now. - We got the footage.

So you can throw to a package, "Hey, let's go to Nest right now."

Let's see what happened in the living room. And now, Phil, you can go to town.

Do you check the Ring cam often? The Nest cam?

Now, the Ring is for the door.

The Nest is for everything happening in the house.

- That's right. - Yeah, yeah.

And I� Hey�

Hey, when that cloud bursts,

the type of shit we're gonna see is unbelievable.

I dunno if you saw that video of the NBA player.

- They had that security camera. - Chauncey Billups?

- I'm not talking about the gambling. - The roulette table.

But I'm talking about the dude who was scratching his own butt underneath boxers.

- I did see that. Gave it a sniff. - While he got on the elevator.

- Yeah, nothing is sacred. - That's the original scratch-and-sniff.

- Putting your hands 6 feet under. - Right.

Kids in my day are used to scratching a book.

- And smelling a jelly bean. - Right.

Now you've got Darryl Strawberry putting his�

best two fingers where the sun don't shine.

And look, I'm not judging.

No, he's putting two in where two goes out.

We'll be right back. We'll keep it right here.

Look, we've all smelled our own fart.

I always like to say, I've got a friend right now.

They have a baby. That baby looks 47 years old.

- It's a baby. It's not 47. - Yeah. Right.

But it looks like it drives.

My point is, they love it,

but I'm like, "Well, yeah, because it's your fart."

- Does that make sense? - Yeah.

Nobody� You love your own fart. Baby. You see someone else's, you can go, "Ugh."

Someone else's fart.

This made sense in my head on the drive over.

- But as I'm saying it out loud� - Yeah. So I'm not really tracking there.

Hasan, in 2019, you made the Time's Most Cool 100 People.

I think it's The TIME 100. Thank you. Yeah.

- Wow. - Yeah.

You've done a lot of cool shit. You've been in movies,

Daily Show, Netflix shows, specials.

- Homecoming King. - Yeah.

I know you've seen it. It's been out for a hot minute.

Yeah.

But it's one of the best things I've ever seen.

And if you're on Netflix already,

so once this is over, flip on over and watch The Homecoming King.

Right.

I love that you chose to do something different with the stage.

Yeah.

Because, you know, as a comedian, we can do whatever the hell we want to up there.

Do whatever you want.

And sometimes people go, "Well,

if you don't have a mic in your hand, what are you really doing?"

Sure.

But that's when I stopped following, you know, Tony Robbins on Twitter,

because he was tweeting a lot of wild shit.

What was the question?

- I'm finding it. - Yeah.

What made you want to do a one-man show?

- Life? Yeah. - Yeah, just life.

- You know, failure in stand-up comedy. - Yeah.

- Existential angst. Yeah. - Yeah.

- Do you-- - But also, I wanted to have�

- There's stuff I wanted to show from life. - Yeah.

- The pictures were great. - No, I had to lean in.

And everyone could relate.

- Thanks. Sure. - Because everyone's got a family.

- Everyone's come from somewhere. - Yeah.

- And everyone's had some love and loss. - Sure.

What's your favorite part about being in love?

- Just love in general? - Yeah.

- When you found it. - Oh, my God.

- Because being by yourself is fine. - Yeah.

I'm gonna get in a car and drive to Albany, New York after this.

- Sure. - By myself.

Hey, man. I've got some-- There's some sketchy parts of this state.

Albany's fucked up too.

I keep hearing Albany's got like a Circle K and a brothel and that's it.

- And the Capitol. But yeah. - Goddamn.

But Albany's the capital of NYC?

Albany's the capital of the state of New York.

People in Albany probably love each other.

Did you ever see the Animaniacs episode where they did the 50 states and capitals?

I think I did. I'm having trouble jarring my mem.

- But that was one of my favorite cartoons. - Hey, give it a watch.

It's a great history lesson.

- We'll come back to love. - Sure.

- Favorite cartoon of all time. - Favorite cartoon of all time?

You talking about cartoon crush or cartoon, cartoon?

- What's a cartoon crush? - It'd be Lola Bunny, Princess Jasmine.

- Jessica Rabbit? - Jessica Rabbit. I mean, that's a little�

As soon as you told me Jessica Rabbit, I knew you were a dirty dog.

A little scoundrel.

Kim Basinger is the first person I think I�

I think I had a�

- That I did it to. - You know my� Okay.

Jessica Rabbit, you know, in the same day.

- You know my all-time cartoon crush? - Please.

Anastasia.

Wow. Voiced by Meg Ryan.

- By who? - Meg Ryan.

- I thought you said Mike Tyson. - No, that would've been crazy.

Can you imagine?

- Mike Tyson. - Meg Ryan.

- No. - No, Meg Ryan? Yeah.

- Wow. - Yeah.

You know, my lady loves PBS Masterpiece. She loves PBS Masterpiece hour.

Can she talk to my wife? I don't think my wife's read a book.

That's not true. She did read The Berenstain Bears�

Go to Jail or something.

Sure, yeah. That's a classic.

- But PBS-- - PBS Masterpiece has got some�

You know, you want some castle shit, some whisper shit,

some whispering-in-castle shit,

PBS Masterpiece out.

She's educated. She's not, but she just loves the mystery and the whimsy, man.

Girls.

Fellas, if you're out there trying to pick up a girl at a bar,

enough with the shitty pickup lines. They want mystery and whimsy.

Mystery and whimsy.

That's why Harry Potter was

flying around just putting it in whatever he could find.

Doc, how come we don't have that?

How come men, we don't have mystery and whimsy?

I think because we're too focused on money, and�

I don't want to say fame, but�

Prestige.

Do you have dementia?

I wanna say I'm glass half full,

but usually that glass broke on the way home.

I come into the house, I go from 0 to 60 in a heartbeat.

Somebody's wronged me. Somebody got in my way.

Again, on the flight over here,

I'm tapping on the screen in front of me trying to load up The Notebook.

Right, right, right.

The guy in front of me turns around and goes, "You wanna stop tapping?"

I'm like, "Tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap."

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now look, my first instinct was

grab him by the throat,

take him into the bathroom,

see if he's gay.

But what I chose to do was go, "Sorry, I've got a big index finger."

"Also, the screen seems like it's not responding to a soft touch."

- I'm already pissed off at this point. - Right, right.

But fighting up in the sky, as my therapist says, is not ideal.

Yeah.

Now�

Can I just give you a compliment? You handled that situation amazing.

- I appreciate it. - Hey, you were calm, well-spoken.

Hey, dare I say erudite.

I don't know what that means, but I'll google it after the show.

- Please do. - Erudite.

- Erudite. - Erudite.

E-R-U-D-I-T-E.

- You had me at ER. Clooney's my hall pass. - Hey.

Now, when you auditioned for The Daily Show,

I know Jon Stewart was in the room, or�?

Jon was in the room, yeah.

Is that nerve-wracking?

- Because you came from LA. - Yeah.

Right. You're blowing up online and offline,

and now here you are in this amazing city

with a valuable opportunity to take things up a notch.

Did he say something to you after or before?

You know, the comedian Al Madrigal told me that he loved comedy.

So I was just talking to him about�

what gigs I had that weekend, what clubs I was doing, and you know.

- So you get the job. - He knows the grind, yeah.

- You get the job. - I get the job.

- First day of taping. - First day of taping.

What's it like?

I mean, are you having flashbacks

to old sets in the Bay Area, in Los Angeles,

and just being like, "Wow, I'm leveling up"?

Or are you just kind of, "You know what, I expect this of myself,"

"I hold my career abilities to a high standard."

"So, yeah, I got myself here, of course."

Well, I did the episode with�

My first time on the show, I was doing it with Jordan Klepper.

- He's a tall glass of water. - Jordan Klepper is one of my favorite�

You guys are� I would love to see a show�

- You've gotta meet Jordan Klepper. - I've messaged him on IG. I'm a big fan.

Everything�

To me, performing is timing, cadence, and vocal tonality.

Yeah, and you and him both have a voice I can listen to.

You're not beating him over the head with it.

- Right. - There's some people I could say out loud.

- Their voices make me want to climb-- - You can name names.

- I'll bleep it out, but-- - Sure.

- Okay. - But it just�

It makes me want to just climb inside of a�

of a bowling ball and be thrown into a Willy Wonka pop-up experience.

All right.

That being said, do you do impressions?

I can do� I got a couple. You want me to do them?

Please.

Ker� Ker� Kermit the Frog here.

- Love it. Spot on, buddy. - That's Kermit.

Kermit or Bill Gates, Seattle icon.

Bill Gates or Ray Romano?

Or� Ray, how would you do Ray? How's Ray? Ray's a little�

Well, here's my� I don't do many impressions,

but I do do Ray Romano

finding out that the Peloton he ordered is going to be�

held up in production.

And it's not gonna arrive in time for his Peloton party.

- All right. Yeah. - Here we go.

Yeah.

Most excited you've been in the last 24 days?

And what was it for?

Most excited I've been--

That was Taylor Cogan, 10 years old, Rochester, New York.

- Taylor. - Most excited you've been.

Taylor, I dunno� You don't know when this episode's coming out.

We're doing this pre-tape. But, Taylor�

Jalen Brunson dropped 40 points last night.

We're in New York City.

I forgot you're such� So you've adopted�

Well, because your Kings are�

The suffering and pain of the Kings,

the suffering and pain of the Knicks, these are equal. These are the same.

Also, when you get to sit courtside, you become a fan of just about anything.

It's pretty cool. Yeah, yeah.

- All right, last question. - Please.

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say

when you arrive at the pearly gates?

Tagline?

I'd love the NBA on NBC theme song.

- Wait, so you would want God� - Doors open.

- Is he sitting there playing it? - Yeah, I'm talking about that. Yeah.

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